A/N: Here's the next update! And yes, I had to do it even if it had been done before. Just because this is so terribly, tragically common. It wipes all intelligence from the minds of the characters, belittles them and twists them so that they don't even resemble their original selves anymore. When you hear the words 'Amuto fanfiction' this pops into your head. Here it is, the (not so) long-awaited chapter...

~*~

Beware the Playboy

Ikuto Tsukiyomi had a very simple thought process: If it's even remotely of the female persuasion I must flirt with it. He was charming, of course. He oozed charisma thoughtlessly, which was fortunate since he couldn't seem to concentrate on too many things at once. And every single female he'd met succumbed to his charm since every single female in his school wanted to date this lying, cheating playboy scumbag. They knew he was a scumbag who was only after one thing, but he was almost magnetic. There was some allure about him that no girl, sane or otherwise, could resist.

Ikuto's foggy mind seemed to focus on somebody that he vaguely felt was a feminine being that he hadn't tried to flirt with before. The charisma flowing off him in waves was almost palpable as he approached the petite blonde. He leaned one hand against the locker and said with a lazy half-smile, "You know, I've been wondering from the moment I set eyes on you what your name is."

The person turned around with an irritated look on their face. "Ikuto, it's me. Tadase Hotori," he snapped. "What on earth's gotten into you? It's like you're drugged... hey, come back here!"

The moment that Ikuto had found out his target was of the masculine persuasion rather than feminine, he lost interest. Now he strolled through the corridors lazily, on the perpetual lookout for fresh meat. He found another blonde that looked familiar but he was sure he hadn't slept with yet. "I'm supposed to use a pick-up line here, aren't I? But you're so beautiful, I'm near speechless," he said charmingly, flashing a smile at her.

"Ikuto!" she answered, appalled. "I'm your sister, Utau, remember?" Sure, she'd gone through a phase where she'd wanted to marry Ikuto, but didn't all girls dream of marrying their father when they were little? Granted, her 'phase' lasted until a year ago, but it was over and she had a boyfriend that Ikuto had somewhat approved of. But he had seemed kind of off since a few days ago...

"So?" he countered, puzzled. His fogged brain kept insisting that if she was a girl, he would get her. But even a brain as hazy as his was at that moment could backtrack when the girl started to hit his head. Ikuto slipped away quietly just as Tadase turned the corner and caught sight of Utau.

"Hey, do you know what's wrong with Ikuto?" he asked, out of breath. For somebody that didn't seem to move above a saunter, Ikuto sure was fast. Tadase had been running and still hadn't caught him up.

Utau shook her head. "He'd been acting freaky for days now," she said worriedly, twisting her hands and adding, "He doesn't even recognise me anymore."

"When exactly did he start acting like this?" he questioned hurriedly, a nasty suspicion budding in the back of his mind.

"I don't remember..."

"Try!" he ordered. Utau did.

"I think it started... yeah, it started when these people came to our house and Ikuto opened the door. When they left, Ikuto became like... well, stupid," she said, hugging herself. "He was in a fever for a while but just left the house and came to school and started flirting with absolutely everybody."

Tadase worried his bottom lip with his teeth. "Is there anything else you can remember?"

Utau's eyebrows furrowed in thought. "Well..." she started slowly, "there was this discarded syringe near our doorway, but I thought it was just some homeless junkie or something."

Tadase groaned, slapping his forehead. "Of course! I should have figured this out earlier!" he shouted to himself. Utau stared at him as he continued to babble "It's them again! It has to be! I can't believe this!" before running off, leaving her standing there with her mouth open.

Her shock quickly turned to anger.

"It's who again? What are you talking about? Why does nobody ever bother to tell me anything?!" she demanded of the world before chasing after Tadase. Her flying pigtails knocked quite a few people unconscious as she rushed by, causing a total of two concussions.

Two corridors away, Ikuto stopped his hunt for girls. He felt inexplicably drawn to something – no, SomeOne. This One had pink hair and for some reason reminded him of strawberry diamonds, but that couldn't be right, could it? Still being in a kind of stupor, he only vaguely paid attention when a few more girls located conveniently next to him gossiped about the object of his interest.

"She's the new girl..." said one.

"'Cool and spicy' people say," said another.

"Kinda stuck up, too," said yet another average-looking, forgettable, undescribed, unnamed and forever unnoticed girl. It was no wonder that so many of these were petty and jealous and just couldn't appreciate the beauty of the main characters when they only existed for a fraction of a second before never being mentioned again. But this story is not about the abuse and mistreatment of ordinary characters, so let's stop here.

Of course, Ikuto's newfound haziness always liked a challenge. Or, at least, it suddenly decided to like challenges when it heard that the girl would probably be a challenge. He went for it.

"Excuse me," he said politely, "I've been at this school for years but I've never seen someone so beautiful as to make me forget my classroom number. I'll walk you to yours in the meantime, if you want."

"Oh no," panted Tadase when he caught sight of them, "of all plots it has to be this one. New student at school meets school playboy who's never been turned down before. Playboy gets interested in her, she shoots him down. He gets even more interested in her and the relationship blossoms. It's always either that one or she's a nerd."

"Explain to me what's going on right now," demanded Utau, her pigtails still leaving mayhem and destruction in its path. Tadase glanced at the number of groaning students behind her and decided that it would be safe to just slow down a little bit.

Keeping an eye on the couple, he said slowly, "Well, here's what I think happened..."

--+--

The doorbell rang loudly, rousing Ikuto from his sleep. He was always sleeping in this author's stories. It was like she thought he was the living personification of naptime. He grumbled and rolled onto his side, trying to reach that wonderful dreamland once more. The doorbell rang again. Disgruntled, he sat up groggily and ran a hand through his hair before going to open the door.

"Yeah, what do you want?" he asked, giving big yawn. There was an overly skinny girl with multicoloured hair and pink eyes that creeped him out in their slightly mad intensity. Next to him was a man in a suit that reminded him of those emotionally retarded hired muscles from back in the days of Easter. Needless to say, he was immediately on guard. "Who are you?"

She giggled an obnoxious, nauseating giggle. "I'm Sarah, but you can call me Kiko-chan!" she replied, the intensity of her stare really bugging him.

"What do you want, Sarah?" he asked, not sure exactly which person he should keep an eye on. The big guy brought back bad memories but the girl looked like she was waiting to attack him and bite him on the nose, run away or start singing.

"Well, it's perfectly simple, Ikuto," she said with a glassy smile, "I just need you to be something for me."

He sighed and moved to close the door. "Look, whatever you're selling, I don't want any."

Sarah, or 'Kiko-chan', clicked her fingers. "Get him," she said brightly. The man beside her brought out a syringe filled with a clear liquid and in one fluid movement, injected it into Ikuto's neck without giving him a chance to react. His eyes glazed over and he staggered back into his house, shutting the door behind him.

The girl looked triumphant. "Mission complete," she announced.

--+--

"... And then Ikuto became like this," he finished.

"Alright," Utau said slowly, a puzzled expression on her face, "but I still don't get it."

"Oh, the girl would have been a Fanfic Author," he explained, "and she would have had to drug him because he isn't naturally a playboy."

"Of course he isn't naturally a playboy," she snorted derisively, "he's my brother. He's never been interested in other girls before."

There was a loud gasp from the surrounding students and the two blonds turned in time to see Amu brush past Ikuto coldly. He stared after her, his muggy mind urging him to follow her. She was all he could think about now. In fact, his thought process had changed to: Must find new girl and make her like me. If he hadn't been drugged, he'd have realised how pathetic that was but since he was, he didn't. So he made to set off after her in some bad attempts to woo the girl who turned him down when something hit him on the back of the head hard enough for him to black out.

"What are you doing?!" screeched a frantic Utau.

"It was the only way," said Tadase apologetically, lead pipe in his hands. "If I hadn't, he wouldn't have stopped being this new... thing."

"But did you have to use a lead pipe?" she asked, checking her brother's skull for the bump.

He sighed. "You don't get it, Utau. If I hadn't done it, then I would have turned into some pathetic competition for Ikuto and you would have become a conniving, overbearing, overprotective psycho."

"Oh, I see," she said faintly. She wasn't sure if she did actually see, but Tadase seemed to know what he was doing and he wasn't the type to go around knocking people out cold for no reason whatsoever. "But... he could have a concussion."

"Trust me, he's better off this way," Tadase replied grimly.

-------

Sarah gaped at her computer screen, devastated. What had happened to her wonderful story? There had been great potential for her story. It was unique and wonderful. Her story was a beautiful snowflake. She'd made sure that it would go smoothly! Her plan had been perfect. Flawless. Why, then, had it failed?

"Too bad, Sarah," said the man in a suit and sunglasses sympathetically. "There's always next time."

"It's Kiko-chan!" she snarled. "And there will be a next time. I swear there will be a next time." She would not rest. There would be a fantabulous story from her, and no fictional character could stop her. Nobody could stop her.

~*~

A/N: Sarah is my little badfic-writer self-insert. Enjoy.