A Day in the Life

December 8th

Several things are going on right now. Firstly, I feel I must report on the Christmas situation proper, as opposed to the work's party. I sent that draft e-mail I wrote to Itachi about a week ago and I have only received a reply this morning. It was typically functional with no mention whatsoever of the boss (I think Itachi's in denial - trying to pretend he won't be there):

----

From: "Uchiha Itachi"
Subject: Christmas plans

Otogakure is perfectly acceptable, Sasuke. I shall attend. Kisame has also expressed a desire to attend this year, as apparently Zabuza and Haku will be working over the festive period, shooting Christmas and New Year specials of Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Kimimaro is still travelling in Suna.

I shall have to shop for gifts when I arrive in Otogakure, as there is rather a lot to do at the company right now. Unfortunately, therefore, I shall not be able to attend the Otogakure Christmas party this year. I believe that Sasori and Deidara will be, however.

Our flight will arrive in Otogakure at 3:15pm on the 15th. We shall be flying with Mizu Airways and the flight number is MZ1515.

I will see you then, Sasuke.

Itachi.

----

This has increased the number of guests at the boss's Christmas gathering to fourteen. The Official List stuck onto the magnet board in the boss's office stands as follows (and may be subject to change):

Myself
Sasuke-kun
Jiraiya
Tsunade
Sarutobi-sensei
Mrs Sarutobi
Kabuto-kun
Naruto-kun
Kiku-kun
Dan
Sakura-kun
Konohamaru-kun
Itachi
Kisame

I think the boss is beginning to regret having let Naruto into his abode. The plywood and the tyre arrived this morning, and the boss poked his head out round the bedroom door at 7 am in time to see Naruto whistling gaily and balancing a 4" x 8" board of plywood on top of his head. The boss stopped him and demanded to know what was going on. Naruto, because he is an innocent, happy sort of person, could not perceive the threat and chirped, "I can't tell you. It's a seeeeecret." When the boss attempted to press him further, Naruto began to skip away. The boss gave chase and thus it was I discovered how that particular event came to pass, as I witnessed them thundering through the dining room and out the other side as I sat sipping at my morning cup of coffee.

They must have resolved their conflict, as the boss came down for breakfast about ten minutes later, shaking his head and muttering to himself.

I asked, turning a page of the Otogakure Enquirer, "What was that all about then?"

Reaching for his fruit plate, the boss replied archly, "I have given Naruto-kun his Christmas present early. He has managed to find an undecorated room on the second floor in the east wing. He will be decorating it to his liking."

"You're not serious?" I asked, setting down the paper.

"Perfectly serious," he said, popping a blueberry into his mouth.

"But..." I stuttered, willing him to see the foolishness of his gesture, "... didn't you see the tyre?"

"I did."

"And the rope?"

"Yes."

"And you're still going to let him do this?"

"Of course."

Utterly bamboozled, I blinked and said, "Why?"

The boss observed me momentarily, before the corners of his mouth turned up in a wry smile. "I didn't know what to get him for Christmas," he confessed.

Stunned into silence, it took a few seconds for me to wrap my brain around this concept. When the words did come out, it was a slow and ponderous affair. "You didn't know what to get him for Christmas," I repeated, adding, "so you're going to let him destroy one of the rooms in your house."

"I have lots of rooms, Sasuke-kun," he said airily. "I wasn't even aware of the existence of that particular room until today, and if it will ease the burden of Christmas shopping, then it does not matter if Naruto destroys it. After all, I can as easily have it redecorated when he leaves."

The boss's decadent flippancy boggled my mind a shade and, for the sake of my sanity, I decided against continuing the conversation. It was for the best, I am sure. When I passed by the mysterious room earlier on this afternoon, I heard the sound of hammering and the radio tuned into Oto Alternative FM blasting out at full volume. I dread to think what he's doing in there.

As well as Christmas proper, the issue regarding the catering for the office Christmas party has been resolved. Huzzah! The boss threw a hissy fit at the end of the last committee meeting and demanded to know which of his members of staff knew anything about cooking. Needless to say, Gen'yumaru was dragged up from Purchasing and he is now in charge of organising the catering. I'm wondering whether there will be any garlic mushrooms on the menu? I am in no doubt whatsoever regarding the presence of champagne.

I am in charge of dealing with the RSVPers and of the decoration of the function suite (this is how I found out that Sasori and Deidara will definitely be attending - god help us). I have been co-ordinating my efforts with Gen'yumaru in order to ensure that nothing clashes. Our theme is Red and Black, and it's going to ooze so much class that I will wager the handsome sum of two-hundred and twenty-six yen that even the boss will be impressed. The waiting staff will be clothed in black tuxedos, penguin style; the dress code will be red, black and strictly formal; the meal will be a four course affair and the entertainment courtesy of the fabulous, jazzy Soil and Pimp Sessions. The decor... oh yes... the decor will consist of sultry canopies, candlelight, cushions and lots of black and red rose petals. There will also be an open bar.

I think I may secretly be a genius.

The 10th is going to be such an amazing night. I can feel it in my bones...

11th December

My bones lie. They are lying liars. They told me that the party would be amazing. Now, for me, an amazing party is one where near fatal "accidents" do not happen, where no one gets drunk to the point of playing "Pot Wars", and - most especially - where no one FLIRTS INAPPROPRIATELY, thus causing something of a stir.

All my hard work was undone in an instant when the boss threw a wobbly at the last committee meeting (complete, of course, with obligatory pacing, slamming of fists upon desks and scaring the bejeezus out of his employees). The boss went on at great length, but I feel I may be able to paraphrase with the aid of some choice excerpts. The gist of his tirade:

"THAT IS IT! I HAVE HAD IT! I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD ABOUT GARLIC MUSHROOMS! IT IS OFF! OVER! I AM CANCELLING CHRISTMAS! AND DON'T YOU DARE ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME, SUIGETSU, OR I SHALL SERIOUSLY CONSIDER GIFTWRAPPING AND PRESENTING TO YOU YOUR P45!"

The result of the aforementioned wobbly was that we (the higher-ups) did not get to go to the wonderful Red and Black themed party. Instead, we were told to dress up nicely and turn up at the boss's house at eight sharp for dinner and drinks. Everyone else was really excited about this, but Kabuto and I were looking forward to a proper party because we're always at the boss's house.

I had to relay this information to Deidara and Sasori via text. I received this unnerving reply from Deidara.

"That's fine. We like that better anyway. See you soon."

Now, I must take the opportunity to stress that, out of all of Itachi's colleagues at the Akatsuki Group, Sasori and Deidara are definitely the ones who unnerve me most. Why? Please, permit me to elucidate.

When you were at school, back in the days when you were but a nipper: keen, curious and innocent, think back on what sorts of children you shared your teachers with. There were the smart kids; the dumb kids; the smelly kid; the poor kids; the nerdy kids; the rich kids; the kids that always burst into tears every time someone used even the tamest playground insult against them; the bullies; the side-kicks; the cool kids; the hanger-on kids. When I think of Sasori and Deidara, I think of the bad kids: different from the common bully in that they are truly, naturally vindictive - not having entered the trade of terrorising in order to boost a flagging sense of self-esteem or to steal anyone else's lunch money. They were just... well... bad... and they scared the hell out of the other kids. Even the playground bully usually stayed away.

You never really knew anything about the bad kids, apart from the fact that they didn't show up at school a whole lot and that they smoked round the back of the bins and did drugs. There were rumours, though. Always rumours. "Those kids set fire to someone once, I swear! My cousin's friend's friend told her and she told me!" "I heard they slashed a guy's face just for looking at them from across the street!" "They kicked an old lady to death because they felt like it! It's true! I heard my brother telling his friends the other night!"

Things like that.

They were only ever rumours, though, because, even though your tingling spider-senses told you that you shouldn't mess with the bad kids, they were never actually caught doing anything and no one had ever witnessed any of the supposed atrocities they had committed. So you walked past them with your head down on the way in to school, careful and cautious, lest you caught their eye. And there were always two of them - or two types at least. One was manic, laughing and shouting and starting fires. That's Deidara. He's loud, he's jittery and does not know how to spend an idle moment. If you ply him with alcohol, he'll be your friend for life. The other type was quiet, surly, and when they looked at you, you felt like they were deliberating over the quickest way to dispose of the evidence after they'd finished with hacking your torso into quarters. That, is Sasori. He doesn't speak much at all, preferring menacing monosyllabic retorts and smoking to any sort of polite conversation. I think he may even take more hard drugs than Deidara, which is saying something. Then again, that's only my suspicion. I've never actually seen them do it. They both wear copious amounts of eyeliner, though, and I'm guessing that's to cover up the red-eye and the dark circles.

They are, to put it plainly, mentalists. And that's why Deidara's text unnerved me. It was suspiciously normal. A case in point: when I texted him once to ask about the arrangements for Goldie's funeral (time and venue and such), this was the reply I received:

"errr black... BLACK PArlance sassy!! 2 2 or 2 an half? i need to ask fishsssyy hehehehe. HE TOld me. willllll wil wilw il? yeh. WILL LET YOU KNOW I CANT SEE PROPERLY SORREEE FOR Sorrt if myy if u if u cant cant read. BYE xx"

Obviously, I couldn't understand a word. The boss ended up translating for me. The funeral was at half past two at Black's funeral parlour, which was what Deidara had been apparently trying to say under the influence.

My keen and penetrating powers of deduction told me that they must have been saving themselves for the party later.

My keen and penetrating powers of deduction did not lead me astray. They turned up at half past eight - just in time to skip dinner - and headed straight for the bathroom, not speaking to anyone. I followed them inside for several reasons. Firstly: I was disgusted by the boss and needed to make that disgust apparent. Secondly: Naruto was in there and I didn't want the junkie twins giving him anything that would make him louder and more hyperactive than he already is. Thirdly: I needed a pee.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I haven't told you why I ended up falling out with the boss yet. Well I'll tell you in one word:

Kabuto.

At the beginning of the night, I met up with the boss in his lofty reception hall at quarter to eight so that we could go along to the good dining room together. He eyed my suit approvingly. It's fairly new and he hadn't seen it - black but with the barest hint of sheen on the material. I was also wearing a bow tie. It took me forty five minutes standing in front of the mirror to get it to look like a bow tie should, and I had to consult wikipedia for instructions on how to tie the bloody thing. Most importantly, though, I looked good. Damn good.

The boss, I must say, was looking good too, and strangely regal. His kimono was rather lovely - black with lots of twisting serpents embroidered in a slightly lighter shade of black, the sleeves almost trailing to the floor. So far, so good.

"Sasuke-kun," he said, snaking his arm though mine as we made our way into the dining room, "I must hand it to you. You dress divinely."

"Wouldn't have it any other way," I replied, trying my best to repress a smug smile.

Feeling quite proud of myself at that point in the proceedings, the general aura of happiness surrounding me rose exponentially when I saw how well Naruto, Kiku and Jiraiya were turned out. I was rather worried, you see, considering Naruto's tendency to wander around the boss's house in nothing but his superman underpants a lot of the time. At the last Christmas party in Konoha HQ, he came wearing a Specials t-shirt, Vans and a pair of scruffy denim cut-offs. Everyone else was wearing suits (not that that made Naruto feel out of place in any way, of course). Naruto was - against all expectations - in a suit! Naruto later whispered in my ear that Jiraiya had paid for it because there was no way in hell he would have been able to afford it. I said that I expected as much, because the boss has paid for most of my formal attire as well. We giggled conspiratorially. I blame that on the wine.

Along with Jiraiya, Kiku and Naruto, the rest of the Oto higher-ups were there (minus Juugo, of course): Karin, was looking fabulous in a little black dress and Amachi, Suigetsu, and Gen'yumaru were all in tuxedos. The biggest surprise, however, was Kabuto.

I swear my jaw dropped when I saw him enter gracefully through the open double-doors of the dining room. In fact, I must confess that I didn't recognise him at first. At all. Kabuto appeared to have had altogether forsaken his day-to-day indigo lab-rat jumpsuit in favour of a silvery kimono with a black collar that was so pretty and well made that it seemed to shimmer in the candlelight, and he had left his hair long and ditched the specs.

When Kabuto finally arrived at the table, he sort of stood there for a while looking sheepish because Suigetsu and Amachi were gaping openly at him.

"What?" he said, smiling slightly, "You've never seen me in formal before?"

Everyone laughed - but it was not a nice laugh, not a reassuring laugh, oh no. It was one of those silvery, tittering laughs one makes when confronted by someone who is unspeakably beautiful. I am often on the receiving end of such laughs, but when they are not directed at you, they can be quite infuriating. Especially when your significant other - WHO IS SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU - is also doing it.

"Kabuto," my disbelieving ears heard the boss say, "you dress divinely."

My jaw dropped.

THAT WAS MY FUCKING COMPLIMENT!! Hadn't the boss just said that to me not two minutes ago? I mean, seriously, does he ply every hot piece of ass he meets with the same lines?

Suddenly, my threat alert sensors were on overdrive. I swear, I only had time to blink and Kabuto had somehow managed to fill the vacant seat on the boss's left, and they were chatting away quite genially, glasses of wine in hand, ignoring me completely. I began to feel quite isolated because everyone was talking to everyone else, and when my polite coughs were not registering with any member of our party, my patience wore thin. After about five minutes of utter humiliation, Naruto got up to go to the bathroom, and so it was with a strategically pronounced huff and a flounce (mainly for the boss's benefit), I followed after him.

When I threw the door in a suitably dramatic fashion, a sorry sight rose to greet me. Visions of every house party I'd ever been to came back to haunt me. I found Deidara and Sasori sitting on the floor, legs stretched out in front of them, smoking, and Naruto happily tinkling away into the can, rocking back and forth on his heels, whistling a jaunty tune.

Sasori grunted in acknowledgement of my presence in the bathroom, nodding his head curtly in my direction. Deidara grinned maniacally and patted the ground next to him invitingly.

"Baby Uchiha!" he exclaimed with mock surprise. "Come, come. Sit by me and have a drag!"

With a sinking heart, I realised where my place was going to be that night. I wasn't going to be in the lounge with the cool kids, or up in the bedroom with the sexually active kids, or in the kitchen with the kids who drink too much, or even hacking into someone's dad's Mac to look at porn with the geeky kids. No. I was going to be stuck in the bathroom, doing drugs with the bad kids.

Feeling miserably sorry for myself all of a sudden, I snatched at Deidara's proffered cigarette and inhaled deeply. I must say right now that it is not the norm for me to smoke - but that night, I was a smoker. A hardcore smoker. Forty a day would have been nothing to me. A few minutes later, a bottle of vodka mysteriously materialised from the folds of Sasori's clothing, and it was passed around, each of us taking a swig at a time. A soap dish served as our ashtray. There were magazines in the cupboard under the sink. We had all that we could possibly need, and, gradually, as I took more and more swigs, I came accept my newfound station and comrades. Naruto joined us but briefly on the cold tiles, as his desire for pasta was overwhelming and his stomach kept rumbling and breaking our carefully crafted silence of malcontent - but, Deidara promised solemnly, he was one of us, and he could come back at any time as long as he had vodka.

Naruto giggled and said he'd come back and bring vodka. He also asked me if I was coming through to the dining room for the meal. Visions of the boss flirting with Kabuto lodged themselves in the forefront of my mind and I felt my fists clenching just thinking about them. There was no way I was going back in there to witness it so I fobbed Naruto off by saying, "Nah, it's alright. I'm not really that hungry. I'll just stay here a little bit longer. Want to catch up and all that."

This seemed to satisfy Naruto, and he cheerfully left with a wave and a grin as he closed the door behind him, sealing my fate. Why on earth I didn't go with him, I do not know. Why I wilfully sought the company of two of the most quietly insane people I have the misfortune to know, I have no clue. Suffice it to say, within half an hour, I was absolutely wrecked. Seriously. I was probably more drunk than I have ever been drunk before in my entire life. I took no drugs, but the amount of clear spirits I imbibed conspired to impair both my vision and my ability to stand on two legs. It also reduced, somewhat, my faculties of discretion.

In other words, by about quarter to nine, I was crawling around blindly on the bathroom floor, tearfully snivelling whilst telling Sasori and Deidara about my relationship troubles.

"He's in there right now with him..." I sobbed, hugging the vodka bottle as though it were my closest friend. "Probably feeding him fucking... fettuccini with... with a fork and a spoon! And talking about nice things! Nice things like hugs and... and DVDs and... and shit like that... and how much they miss... how much they miss doing one another!"

"That's it, Sasuke," Deidara said, leaning over and wrapping an arm around my shoulders. "Just let it all out. Here, blow your nose—"

"Want me to punch him for you?" Sasori inquired, while lighting up yet another cigarette.

"Nonono, you can't just go out there and punch him, Sasori-danna," Deidara exclaimed, waving his hands wildly in the air. "What were you thinking? Besides, I've totally got a better idea!"

"What?" I piped up blearily. "Are you going to murder Kabuto? 'Cause, right now, I'm all for that."

"Alas, no, Sasuke," he said, with a mad gleam in his eye. "It involves no murder, but," he added, lowering his voice conspiratorially, "it most definitely involves me getting LAID, uhn!"

He then performed the universally understood "getting laid" gesture in order to ensure his intentions were rendered unambiguous. Sasori rolled his eyes. I directed a somewhat sceptical look at Deidara, inviting him, through the power of the raised eyebrow, to explain himself.

"And how will your getting laid help me in any way, shape or form?" I inquired.

Deidara snorted, and laughed a condescending laugh, as though his addled logic was the most lucid in the world.

"Simple, Sasuke," he said, grinning. "I simply drag Kabuto off into a bedroom somewhere and shag the living daylights out of him. All I have to do is make sure old Whoro knows about it. Job done! I get laid, you get laid, and Sasori-danna gets laid! Everyone's happy. And laid."

"Errrrrr..." I began uncertainly, " that's really good and all, but how does Sasori get laid exactly?"

"NO TIME FOR QUESTIONS!!" Deidara yelled suddenly, grabbing me by the arm and hauling me up off the floor. "I'M GONNA MOLEST THAT BOY IN THE NAME OF UCHIHA!!"

His eyes were well and truly glazed with drug-fuelled madness now, and I could feel him jittering as he dragged me towards the bathroom door. A sober something at the back of my mind knew this would not end well, and it tried to tell me that, it really did. Unfortunately, my mind had been pickled by cheap vodka, so the message didn't register.

Thus I was hauled into the dining room where Deidara and I discovered that the party was just about to move into the stylish little room with all the comfy leather chairs, the fireplace and the big glass coffee table. I could see the boss and Kabuto leaving their seats, and the boss was looking around, seeming vaguely irritated about something.

The utter cheek, I thought. What right did he have to be irritated? I said this much to Deidara and he agreed with me, stating that we should hasten forward with his not-so-noble plan.

We were caught trying to sneak in behind the party by Suigetsu and Karin, both of whom had wondered where the hell I'd got to. I said that I'd been "catching up" with Deidara and Sasori and hadn't realised the time. They both looked at one another and then Karin whispered, "Orochimaru-sama's really angry with you, Sasuke. He missed half the meal wandering all over the house looking for you. No one knew where you were. You didn't say you were leaving."

My stomach briefly did a little flip-flop at the mention of the boss traipsing all round the house to look for me, but it was soon replaced by righteous indignation. It was his own damn fault for flirting with Kabuto right in front of me. He damn well deserved the trek. It was his own fault for having such a ridiculously large house built anyway. Served him right. Hmph.

It was only when Deidara began to agree vehemently with me that I realised I'd said all that out loud. Suigetsu was trying very hard not to laugh and Karin looked uncomfortable.

"I mean, who needs a massive house like this anyway?" Deidara observed loudly, swinging wide round the doorframe and knocking an expensive vase off its pedestal. "And what're you gonna do with it, anyway - apart from fill it with vases, haha!!" He observed the shattered vase for a moment and then giggled at it.

"Vases suck!" I heard myself shouting drunkenly, as I punched the air in agreement. "Down with vases in stupidly big houses!"

"YES!!" Deidara cried, turning to me and grinning his manic grin. "What is the point in them, anyway?"

"YOU FOOL! YOU FILL THEM WITH DEAD THINGS!!" I howled, cracking up, as Deidara collapsed on the floor laughing.

"I happen to think they have a certain aesthetic quality," the boss's voice came drifting over my shoulder.

Silence fell, broken only by Deidara's gentle giggling ("D- Dead things... dead things! Hehehe...) I turned to face the boss, trying my best to iron my face straight. Karin was right. He did look angry. And for some reason, this was terribly funny to me. I have no idea why. It was kind of like that time back at the Academy when Chouji accidentally farted in class during an exam. The Fart was so loud and fearsome that it rattled the back of the toxic blue, moulded plastic chairs we all had to sit on. For one who spent most of his waking hours trying to squeeze out lesser farts in order to amuse Shikamaru, he looked surprisingly shocked when it came. It must've been a combination of the "did I do that?" expression on Chouji's face and the sheer ferocity of the Fart. I tried to hold the laughter in, I swear, but it found its way out as an incredibly undignified snort. Well, the floodgates opened after that and I started laughing like a hyena on crack - which inevitably set everyone else off in turn. Iruka-sensei, after shouting himself hoarse, ended up cancelling the test, and Chouji and I were made to stay behind, which we both thought was terribly unfair. I mean, how can you punish someone for farting? And I wasn't the only one who laughed at the Fart. The whole class should have been made to stay behind!

But yes. That particular scenario from last night somewhat resembled the Fart debacle, in that a deadly serious situation collided with one of sublime absurdity - resulting in me being unable to keep my damn face straight.

"Where were you, Sasuke-kun?" the boss asked, folding his arms.

In between fits of the drunken sniggers, I managed to choke out, "In the bathroom."

The boss fixed me with a severe look. "In the bathroom? For all that time?"

"It was a loooong pee," Deidara added solemnly, making a strange wiggly gesture with his fingers that set both of us off again.

Disgusted, the boss turned on his heel and stalked off towards the fireplace. We watched him throw himself down into the chair next to Kabuto's. The Silver-Haired Usurper was feigning concern, and I saw him steal a quick look at us before directing his attentions back to the boss.

"He's a tart," I slurred. "I can't watch this..."

"Look, don't worry, Sasuke," I heard a familiar, kindly, feminine voice say. "It'll be okay."

I turned around in search of the voice. Karin was still there - in her little black dress. She was smiling in a sympathetic way and she was touching my arm. I realised then that Karin had always been nice to me, always sticking up for me at work, always looking sexy, always there whenever I felt like calling her for a bitch-fest, always there when I needed a shoulder to cry on, really.

It was then that I decided that I wanted comfort as well as vengeance.

"Hey, Karin..." I began, turning on the family charm and ignoring Deidara, who was eyeing up Kabuto and tugging at my collar, "want to come sit with me for a bit?"

Karin blushed and said, "Sure, Sasuke."

Unfortunately, we didn't manage to get that far. There was both a good point and a bad point to this. The good: being a shade inebriated, I would most definitely have kissed Karin had we managed to get cozy on the sofa, and it would have been right in front of the boss. Yes, I do feel guilty about this unwelcome truth, even though I didn't actually do any kissing. The bad: I embarrassed myself horribly by whiteying (think foul, vodka-smelling projectile white vomit) all over the carpet in front of everyone when we got about halfway across the room.

I can't really remember what happened immediately after that, but I woke up some time later in the boss's bedroom with my head bent over a bucket. Classy. A blurry sea of faces came into focus as I blinked in attempt to clear my vision. The boss was there, sitting on a chair looking angry and concerned. Karin was there, looking nervous. I could hear Kiku popping chewing gum. Deidara had tagged along, and he was taking the opportunity to rake through the boss's belongings, evidently looking for something and not giving a flying toss about my well-being. Kabuto was there, too, but I could only hear his voice. He was talking to someone about head trauma.

I tried to speak, but a hacking, wheezing cough was the only sort of utterance I was able to make at that point. My head was throbbing. Matters did not improve any when I proceeded to scream like a girl and thrash and fight when I discovered that I was in the same bed as Jiraiya. Naturally, as I was somewhat inebriated, I assumed the worst. I called him a lot of nasty names and accused him of taking advantage - this accompanied by a considerable amount of sobbing - before the boss managed to calm me down enough so he could explain the situation.

It turned out that I was not the only one who had embarrassed myself. Apparently, Jiraiya had decided to come along to the informal bathroom gathering when Naruto informed him of his intention to deliver us several bottles of vodka as he'd promised. Before they even go that far, however, being the juvenile imbeciles that they are, they decided to have a quick round of "Pot Wars". Now, "Pot Wars", I am told, is a game which involves the participants rushing at one another headlong whilst sporting saucepans by way of cranial protection. I'm not sure, but I think the point of the game (insofar as there is any discernible "point") is to make the most terrible, ungodly racket possible as the pots clang together. Needless to say, it did not end well. Naruto ended up in bed with a concussion and Jiraiya needed three stitches.

Jiraiya and Naruto were not the only ones who had ended up injured. Kiku sprained her ankle tripping over the ludicrously long sleeves of the boss's kimono and Suigetsu... well... Let's just say he had a bit of a run-in with Sasori. I'm not quite sure what happened, because my memory is fuzzy and Suigetsu's lip was swollen and I couldn't understand everything he said, but apparently, he went to take an innocent whizz and interrupted Sasori, who was still in the bathroom where Deidara and I had left him, doing god-knows-what. Sasori, I think, was hallucinating, confused Suigetsu with a relative, accused him of stealing his rare signed 12" vinyl copy of Spanish Stroll by Mink de Ville, and punched him in the face. Suigetsu, bloody-nosed and confused, last saw him wandering off in the direction of the spiral stairs. We think he might be in the attic.

Deidara, I am afraid to say, could not stay to join in the search party, as he caused a bit of a fuss and ended up falling out with the boss. It was round about the time that I accused the boss of flirting with Kabuto, citing the "dress divinely" comment as the source of my unease and his filthy guilt. I told the boss that it was his fault that I was so drunk, that it was his fault that I was sick down the front of his kimono, and that it was his fault that the stylish little sitting room on the ground floor wouldn't be able to be used for Christmas because it now reeks of cheap vodka. The boss denied that he was flirting with Kabuto and assured me that the "dress divinely" comment was more of an arrogant observation on his ability to pick out beautiful pieces of clothing, since he had bought the kimono for Kabuto while they were seeing one another (I knew it!!) I said that I didn't believe him. The boss repeated his story and reinforced its truthfulness via a kiss applied directly to my forehead and recourse to Kabuto, who of course backed up the boss's assertions.

"I guess you must have missed me rolling my eyes at his little comment, Sasuke," Kabuto said cheerfully, while tending to the dressing on Jiraiya's head. "I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of replying."

I still wasn't sure about their version of events, though, and I said so. While all this was going on, Deidara was still raking through the boss's drawers, having a nosy at various pairs of socks, underpants and night-shirts. Unfortunately, he chose that moment to unearth a tube of cherry-flavoured lubricant.

"Well, if you're really not interested in Oro," he chipped in, waving the lube in a way he may have considered to be sexually enticing, "then how about we go somewhere private and test this shit out, uhn!"

"What... me?" Kabuto said, pointing to himself and looking bewildered.

"Yeah, you, you silly," Deidara chirped, tossing the lube in the air and catching it. "You're just sex. Total sex."

Jiraiya started chuckling his dirty chuckle that never fails to make me blush and said, "Hey, I think you've pulled, Kabuto. Get in there!"

The boss, however, looked murderous. "That is enough, Deidara," he said, with an unmistakable note of warning in his voice.

"Enough? Enough what?" Deidara countered with a reckless, toothy grin. "You're not going out with him anymore... or are you?"

The boss gazed at him levelly before replying, "I am not."

"Well then!" Deidara laughed. "You've never had a problem with sharing before! Case in point," he added, brandishing the lube at the boss, "the time we had that threesome with Kimimaro. I totally couldn't remember where you kept the lube. You must've moved your stash from where it was last time I was up here."

Following Deidara's dirty, little revelation fell one of the most uncomfortable silences I have ever been part of. The boss was glaring at Deidara with a look that could've killed a dead cow at twenty paces. Kabuto was glaring at the boss in a similar fashion.

"We were still going out then," Kabuto said quietly.

The boss said nothing.

"You told me that you hadn't slept with Kimimaro before you broke up with me!" Kabuto said, his voice rising.

"Kabuto, I—"

"Shut up!" he hissed, his eyes flashing as he stood up abruptly. "Don't even try to lie to me. I know exactly when that was! It was a week after Kimimaro had come here. A week!"

"Kabuto-kun, listen to me—"

"No!" Kabuto yelled, striding angrily towards the door. "I don't want to hear it! I don't want to hear whatever feeble excuse you have! I case you haven't realised - I don't care anymore! Go screw yourself, Orochimaru-sama! Go screw yourself in hell!"

With that, Kabuto slammed the bedroom door shut so hard it rattled on its hinges. The awkward silence hadn't left, though. On the contrary, it was still going strong. No one knew where to look. Deidara, however, seemed to see it as a golden opportunity to take a leap into the land of no return.

"Shame," he said, addressing the lube in a pensive sort of manner. A short pause followed, then he looked up and grinned wolfishly at me, saying, "I suppose I could always try for a bit of Uchiha, instead, no?"

Things happened rather quickly after that, and because I was confined to bed, being in no fit state to charge down the corridor to follow the fight, I don't know everything that transpired. I did, however, hear the boss snarl and I did see him lunge at Deidara, punch him across the face and drag him outside the room by the hair. Kiku informed me at breakfast this morning when I asked that the boss ended up throwing Deidara down the stairs, screaming at him to get out and never darken his doorstep again, which, I can say with some confidence, seems fairly reliable information. I don't think Kiku would be able to come up with a sentence like "darken my doorstep" on her own.

The boss came back, presumably after beating up Deidara, and we had a chat. I told him that I believed what he said and that I was sorry for throwing up on him and on the sitting room floor and for acting like such a prat. He forgave me and apologised for not choosing his words more carefully and for inviting Deidara and Sasori along in the first place. While all this was going on, Jiraiya was snoring away on the other side of the bed - Kiku doing likewise from the chair in the corner of the room. It was quite comforting, in an odd sort of way, and I managed to find Montague and fell asleep cuddling him with my head in the boss's lap.

As of yet, Kabuto has not made an appearance. It is 1.30 in the afternoon. I fear that he has run off with Deidara. I hope he hasn't. I need someone to play Halo with.

Sasori is still M.I.A., though Kiku said she woke up last night and heard the sound of someone wandering around in the floor above. Jiraiya's went to have a look, armed with a baseball bat, but it'll be a while before he gets back. The attic is immense.

Naruto hasn't woken up yet, either, and I'm bored and ill. Karin texted me to ask if I was okay. I haven't replied yet. I guess I still feel guilty about wanting to kiss her.

God... what a fucking night. I'm never going to another Christmas party again, I swear it.

Y hello thar. Long time no see.

The reason for the long time? This chapter was the chapter from hell. Seriously. It took two attempts (I scrapped the first) and I'm still not entirely happy with it. To be honest, though, I just want to get it out there and off my computer so that I can get on with Christmas, which I'm really looking forward to. Also, I want to kill the person who created the smilie advert that goes "HELLOOO" every time you run your cursor over it. Die, advert, die. Die a slow, slow, painful death.

On a lighter note... I have artwork to pimp!! Two lovely and talented people have drawn scenes from this fic and from Oro Chan. The first is by fiore777 of Oro-chan sucking on a slug and the second is of Oro in his jail cell in Konoha by the awesome Blackmoon (remove the spaces):

http // fiore777 . deviantart . com / art / alerjedjwe-slugs-57697615
http // i203 . photobucket . com / albums / aa103 / MysticBlackmoon / oro . jpg

And now, I think I have some thanking to do:

Luna-Lunak (Bunk-beds! Oh noes! Ah well, at least he was asleep, and you could giggle quietly, and if he woke up, you could have pretended you were mad. Hooray! Thanks for the cookies. I loves interwab cookies.) Anilmathiel Greenleaf (Thanks very much. Good use of swearage too. I commend you. People who say that swearing is a sign of a poor vocabulary - bollocks, is what I say to that. They're often the ones with poor vocabularies.) danni quinn (Hello there! Eeeeh, baby cousins crying. I cannot handle the sound of babies crying. It's the most perfectly hideous sound. Thanks for the review. Hope you liked this chapter.) SlythCommand (Hey there! Glad you like the text speak. I love poking fun at it. I even wrote a very serious essay as an undergraduate on language change using an example of basic l33t. It was the most fun I've ever had writing an essay, so I simply had to use it in here.) fiore777 (Yeah, I should probably cut down on the length of replies. I kind of get carried away. XD Hope you managed to fix your tablet (or get a new one). Kabuto got a bit of action in this chapter, so I hope you liked that.) yakushi-sushi (I just love your screen name. XD But gasp! You were a VGDC? The horror! I suggest you remedy this by investing in a PS3 and Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. I have whiled away many hours, days and weeks absorbed in this game and have only just resurfaced. Then again, maybe you shouldn't. You might not be seen for quite some time and friends and relatives tend to get worried about things like that. I agree with you about the mushrooms too. They are the most vile foodstuff known to man (along with eggs). Urgh.) SasukexXxSakura (Yay! Thank you very much. Thanks for the review, too. Always appreciated! ) Dragon77 (Ooh... sorry the update wasn't quite as soon as you probably hoped for. Hopefully, this chapter will be a bit better than I think it is. Hopefully... XD) ArilianaFireQueen (Wow... a kitty-Sasuke plushie. That's amazing! XD I wish I could sew and make things like that. I have a few friends who can work wonders with a needle and thread and one in particular who makes the most fabulous, chic and stylish clothes (very talented tailor). I am shamed by them. Hope you had fun poking Naruto. I kind of want to join in. He's so adorable.) Zinjah (you are rather adept at cutting summaries, but give me a bit of credit. Try a subtle indictment of the characters of Sasuke and Orochimaru. I would rather hang out with someone like Naruto any day over Oro and Sasuke. ) Nozomi-sama (Hog-tying equals guaranteed comedy. Even the name is funny. I want an iPhone, too, but alas, I have just invested in a PS3, so that's rather drained my funds. It was so worth it, though. Can't wait until Resi 5 and Tekken 6 come out. Oh yeah!) Raspedra Twilight (I shall gracefully accept your prawns. I love that they have become a sort of currency of merit. XD) viciouscallisto (Hello there! Always nice to hear from new reviewers. Man, you've pointed out a few of my favourite moments too. I loved writing that bit where Oro met Gai and Lee. I've been there a couple of times myself. XD) hieilover (Lol, I can imagine your shock at inspiring a whole chapter. I love it when random stuff like that happens and it just totally works out. But you went to Guyana? Can I say fuck yeah? I think I can. That's amazing, I'd love to go to a place like that.) Niver (Yup. Poverty does freak him out. He really is a loathsome person, although he doesn't realise it (hence the comedy, oh lawks!) He and Oro are like two peas in a pod, really.) For Whom (You have a cool screen name. Just thought I'd throw that out there. Cheers for the compliment - and the review. ) Rambonata (How can I resist cookies and ice-cream with a cherry on top? I'm so easily swayed. I should work on my resistance, oh yes...) missyserena214 (Definitely. Do not underestimate the power of fainting as a plot-device. :-P)