A Day in the Life

AN: Let it be known that the phrase "sex slavitude" was coined by none other than Zinjah. It is a very good phrase, too.

December 12th

There are only three days before Itachi comes to Otogakure. There are also only thirteen shopping days left until Christmas. This fills me with a sense of profound dread and rising panic. It begs the question: what have I been doing with my time? Worrying too much about garlic mushrooms and not drawing up Christmas gift lists, that's what.

On the plus side, I know what I'm getting for Naruto. Jiraiya and I had a secret conference over breakfast this morning, which involved lowered voices and coffee behind a copy of the Otogakure Enquirer. Naruto was right there at the table, but wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention, as he had his iPod up at full volume and was performing a wildly enthusiastic drum solo with the aid of three upturned, empty cereal bowls. I believe he was using the cream jug as a cow bell at one point, because I heard Blue Oyster Cult come on. Perhaps it was Naruto's way of hinting that he wants a drum kit for Christmas? I hope not. I don't think I could take that level of noise. Killings would ensue, I assure you. Either that or the drumming was simply Naruto's bog-standard retardedness shining through.

Yes. I think I'll go with that. It makes most sense. Naruto doesn't have a subtle bone in his body, after all. If he wanted a drum kit, doubtless he would've come into the kitchen and announced it along with the musical accompaniment of clanging pot lids.

Dreaded drum-kits aside, Jiraiya is planning on buying Naruto a Wii. He was thinking about a car, but Naruto has always maintained that he wants to save up and buy his own vehicle, so a games console it was. This is good, because it means I can simply take a little jaunt into the nearest Electronics Boutique and purchase one of their fine games. Easy as that. I just hope he doesn't tell everyone. Then I'll have to consult as to who's buying Naruto what game, and that could turn into quite the operation. I might e-mail Itachi to tell him, though, since he doesn't know Naruto that well and might be struggling with gift ideas.

In other news, Kabuto still hasn't appeared yet. The boss is getting worried, but he is showing it by being irritable and edgy. He snapped at me for bringing him his tea and when I snapped back at him and inquired as to what crawled up his backside and died, he confessed that he was worried about Kabuto as he considered his disappearing act to be "decidedly out of character". I said that he should try calling him. The boss nodded vaguely and picked up the phone. Upon asking after Kabuto's health, the boss was rewarded for his efforts with a terse "I'm fine" and a request, "don't call me again," at which point he was duly hung up on. The boss was even more irritable after that, and after volunteering to call Kabuto later myself (because he rather likes me now and we often bitch about the boss together) I have successfully avoided him by sitting in the Senior Staff Members' Lounge with my laptop.

Sasori is still M.I.A. but I don't think he's trapped in the attic any longer. No one heard any scuffling and bumping noises last night.

Right. Karin has just turned up to help me with girl presents in exchange for buying her something nice for Christmas. Hopefully, my Official Gift List will be at least halfway complete by the end of the day!

LATER:

Karin is a lifesaver and a veritable fountain of girly knowledge. To thank her for her immense help, I have offered to take her down to the jewellery store in the Otogakure Mall and let her pick out whichever piece of glittering fantasticness takes her fancy. She seemed quite happy about the arrangement, and we are going tomorrow after work to take advantage of late Thursday night shopping.

There is only one person on my list who is currently bereft of a gift, however, and that one person is the most important of all. To illustrate? I shall copy and paste my official gift list here:

Sasuke's Official Gift List

Naruto – Resident Evil: The Umbrella Chronicles, a ska compilation CD and an I.O.U x1 Fun Day voucher.

Kabuto – Halo 3 and a year's online subscription to the New Scientist

Sakura – bottle of Ultraviolet perfume, chocolates and a nice necklace

Kiku – an Urban Decay make-up set, a pair of ultra-low-rise, indigo skinny jeans from Levis, a big tub of fizzy laces and some sparkly plastic bracelets

Tsunade – VIP membership to the Oto Super Casino and a West Wing box set

Jiraiya – Naked Babes 2008 calendar and an online subscription to 'Gone Fistin'

Sarutobi – Naked Babes 2008 calendar and an online subscription to 'Gone Fistin'

Mrs Sarutobi – rope, compass and a Helly Hansen baselayer set for hillwalking

Konohamaru – ¥12,000 voucher for Hot Topic

Dan – pair of beige dress chinos from L. L. Bean, 32" waist

Itachi – Lush Legends gift box (he will love me forever and will forgive me all my past transgressions for this) and a cute beanie cat

Kisame – Jaws 30th Anniversary Collectors' Edition box set and a cute beanie shark

The boss - ???

Yes. It is official. I have only been going out with the boss for almost four months now and I have absolutely no idea what to get the man for Christmas! Seriously. He is so immensely wealthy that he probably already has everything I could possibly get him from the Oto Mall and a good whack of anything rare of taste and value. Yes, I have thought of tying a bow round my naked midriff and presenting him with an I.O.U. x1 night of sex slavitude voucher, which I know he would really like in a big way, but it wouldn't be that special because, and let's face it, we're always having sex.

I think I'm going to have to engage in some detective work. This is seriously taxing on the old brain cells. We'll see what pestering Jiraiya brings up. I mean, he's the boss's best friend, for god's sake, and he's known him since they were but young nippers. Surely he must know something I could get him for Christmas?

LATER:

Jiraiya is useless. Do you know what he suggested as a present for the boss? He said: "Tie a bow around yourself and give him a blow job voucher, or something."

When I informed him that his suggestion was less than helpful, he just shrugged and said, "Well, kid, as far as I know that's all Oro likes. You could get him some alcohol, but I already have dibs on that, so tough luck."

He then went on to suggest that I do some homework and find out if there's anything he really wants. I sort of cracked up and yelled at Jiraiya at that point, informing him, in a slightly high-pitched tone, that I already knew and understood everything he was telling me and that if he could just point me even vaguely in the right direction, that would be grand.

I'm guessing Jiraiya took pity on me then, because he looked thoughtful for a moment and said, "well, I guess you could try rooting around in the attic. When I was up there the other day, there was a whole load of boxes filled with photographs. Maybe you could make up a photo album or something like that."

I lied. Jiraiya is not useless. He is a godsend. We are going to make the ascent into the attic and rake through the boss's stuff later on tonight. Should be fun.

LATER:

Oh my god.

It is now 12:34 am and I have just come down from the attic, having spent the best part of the last four and a half hours with Jiraiya laughing myself sick at photos of the boss. Some of them are absolute howlers and others are just plain cute. I picked out some of the best ones I want to use in the album I'm going to make up and I have them all laid out here on the kitchen table. They'll have to be squirreled away later, of course, because I don't want the boss catching on. I want it to be a proper surprise, rather than having to watch the boss feigning shock on Christmas morning when he peels back the gift wrap.

I have to describe some of them to you. They're amazing, seriously. I'm going to go to bed tonight giggling and the boss is going to want to know why. There's no way I'm telling him, though. I'll just tell him it's Christmas-related and he'll have to be content with that.

The first one that I have to hand appears to be an old Akatsuki group staff photo, and the boss appears to have helpfully supplied names on the back in his slanting, messy hand. From left to right: "Kakuzu, myself, Sasori, Itachi, Kisame, Konan, Pain and Zetsu." This one seems to have been taken in the reception of HQ for official purposes. I know this because Kakuzu is not acting up, they are all smiling nicely and they all have their formal on, hats and bells included. The second staff photo I found is a bit older, from when the boss was still working at Konoha Corp. before the merger. It is labelled "My Leaving Party" and has captured the boss (looking very young) sitting at a table with the Konoha higher-ups, including Jiraiya, Tsunade, Sarutobi, Mrs Sarutobi, the Daimyo, the Daimyo's wife, Danzo, Homura, Koharu and some grinning, blonde bloke called Minato. I only wish I could've had an "after" picture of that night, because there are quite a lot of empty bottles of red wine littering the table. Jiraiya said it was a brilliant night, but that he "ended up getting all teary-eyed because Oro was leaving." While we were looking at the photos, Jiraiya actually started tearing up again thinking about it and I had to give him a tissue.

He cheered up quickly, though, when we opened the box that had "Family Photos" written on it in marker pen. We were in hysterics, seriously. Jiraiya was crying, but it was rolling around on the floor, laughing his ass off crying. I kept some of the best ones and I have them here on the table. It's weird knowing what the boss's parents look like. Weirder still because they both look really similar and also really like the boss. I'm certain there's some sort of dark, incestuous secret in the Orochimaru family closet somewhere. I am thinking that more detective work is needed, oh yes.

The boss, though… oh my god, I'm trying to type here but I cannot stop laughing!

The boss must have been an adorable little toddler. In one photo, he's got this little, round face covered in cookie crumbs and he's all chubby and staring up into the camera with big, shining eyes. There's another one with his mum and dad and the boss appears to be cuddling a toy called "Snakey" (the stuffed snake must have meant something to him, as he felt it pertinent to write its name on the back of the photo) and the next one in the pile is of the boss, Jiraiya and Tsunade all covered in mud and looking sheepishly up into the camera. Jiraiya remembers that they all got in terrible trouble that day from his mum (they went digging to find out where the worms lived) and ended up being hosed clean in the back garden.

The funniest ones by a long shot, though, were the university ones. There were so many stories, I don't know where to begin, and it was really hard just picking out a few good ones. I'm glad I had Jiraiya to help, though, because it meant I could chose ones with proper, feel good memories.

The boss's University of Konoha graduation photo, with him and Jiraiya standing on either side of Tsunade in their gowns and caps is definitely going in, as is the one with the boss and Jiraiya in grey UoK hoodies (going in for the sheer novelty factor, because I have never before seen the boss not wearing a kimono). The hilarious photo of the boss lying drunk in the fountain at the Public Park in full formal dress will also feature, as will the rather intriguing image of Tsunade and the boss roaring lustily while holding aloft a wheel trim and a massive pair of Y-fronts. I quizzed Jiraiya about this, but he maintains to possess only the vaguest recollection of that particular night, which is unfortunate for him, because Tsunade remembered every little detail and told us all about it the day we first met Kiku. Including the part where Jiraiya got his pants caught on the park railings and was dangling there, bare arsed and giggling like a loon, until Tsunade managed to cut him free with a big pair of fabric scissors.

There are also a few utterly charming ones which I simply could not resist: the first of Tsunade, Jiraiya and the boss having won the International University Debating Competition (with several accompanying newspaper clippings), the second of the boss having won Young Scientist of the Year, the third of him having won Young Alumnus of the Year, and the fourth is just a dorm room photo of him hunched over a typewriter drinking Dr Pepper and looking studious with Jiraiya in the background lying in bed reading a book on Marxist literary criticism.

There are a few other random ones I want to put in, including the ones of the big day out at Hokage mountain and some from Lee's birthday. I'm going to have to drag the boss into a photo booth, too, at some point. Not quite sure when that's going to happen because it will involve having to use all my powers of subtle manipulation to somehow convince the boss to leave the compound and come to the Oto Mall with me. He hates mingling with the unwashed masses.

Hmmmm… will have to ponder on how to get round that one.

December 13th

I didn't have to call Kabuto. He turned up on his own at around eight just as we were having breakfast, still wearing the silvery kimono he had on at the party and smelling strongly of vodka and strange aftershave. It was lucky the boss wasn't there (he left early this morning for some reason, something is going on). An awkward silence fell when he staggered into the kitchen, and suddenly, everyone was incredibly interested in the floral patterned embroidery of the tablecloth. Without saying a word, Kabuto tottered over to the espresso maker and started making himself a coffee, but the silence lingered. During said silence, Jiraiya shot me a significant look over the toast rack and wiggled his eyebrows in Kabuto's direction. I made the mistake of turning round and catching his eye at the wrong time…

"Oh for god's sake," Kabuto snapped, throwing his hands in the air. "Do you have to keep staring at me?"

"Well… I- I didn't mean to," I stuttered, a little intimidated by Kabuto's decidedly stroppy and aggressive behaviour. "It's just that we… well… we were wondering—"

Kabuto rolled his eyes and sighed. "Fine then," he said resignedly. "Yes, Sasuke, I did run away to a motel with Deidara. I did, in fact, get horrendously drunk, and I did have sex with Deidara. Repeatedly. And do you know what?"

"What?" I asked weakly, fearing his answer.

"It was fantastic."

Another silence followed, but Kabuto did not seem the least bit perturbed by it this time, probably because it was less loaded. Naruto, Jiraiya and Kiku were bursting a gut trying not to laugh. I suppose Kabuto felt better having got all that off his chest, because when the coffee machine dinged to let him know his hot beverage was ready, he picked it up in a rather jaunty manner and tottered over to the door.

"I'm off to bed," he announced just before he left the room, "so listen up. I'm going to magnet a bit of paper onto the fridge later, so write down what you want for Christmas - and if you're lucky, I just might think about picking it up."

Then he left, slamming the door behind him.

I swear I've never been so glad to get to work. I'm rather looking forward to going shopping with Karin now. She's the most sane and normal person I know. It'll be nice to spend a stress-free hour or two picking up gifts with a sane and normal person.

LATER:

I am in the office and have just received the following texts from Deidara:

10:34am - "u seen Sasori?"

10:36am – "n/m lol, hes here"

It seems that it is once again safe to venture into the attic. I should inform the boss. He was seriously thinking about setting traps.

December 14th

God almighty. Last night's Thursday late night shopping experience was hellish, to put it mildly. Part of it was my fault, as I had to open my big mouth in the office and mention the trip to the mall Karin and I had planned. Naturally, as soon as Suigetsu found out, he e-mailed Gen'yumaru and Amachi and they invited themselves along. I was a shade pissed off, but Gen'yumaru reassured me that they fully intended to do their own thing while at the mall, so I assumed events would go ahead as planned. I called Karin at her desk phone to let her know that I'd meet her at the car park after work.

"That's great, Sasuke. I'm really looking forward to it. See you then!" she said cheerfully before we hung up.

The rest of my day at the office was splendidly uneventful, as the boss wasn't there to make things complicated. Actually, it was so uneventful that I ended up giving him a call on his mobile just to chat. When he answered, he sounded a bit tense, so I asked him what was wrong. I could also hear chattering voices in the background. I asked him to whom the chattering voices belonged.

He replied, "Sasuke-kun, I cannot talk right now. I am driving and there is a police car just ahead. I will see you soon – and make sure that ethics report on the M3-21 series gets to Karin, because I want the information in it to become common knowledge by the end of January."

I came off the phone utterly bewildered. The boss driving? He never drives unless he can't get a hold of anyone else to do it for him. And who the hell were the people, presumably, in the back seat?

I found out at precisely 4:16pm when I went over to the boss's to change into something fresher and more suitable before meeting Karin and the rest of the mob for shopping. Upon stepping foot through the kitchen door, I was greeted by a sea of faces which really shouldn't have been there – or at least, they had every right to be there, but I wasn't ready for them. Sitting around the table nursing mugs of coffee, tea and, in one case, a can of Mountain Dew, were: Sarutobi, Mrs Sarutobi, Tsunade, Tsunade's on-again-off-again boyfriend Dan, Konohamaru and Sakura.

"Hi, Sasuke!" I heard Dan chirp, as he rose from his seat and made to shake my hand. "Really nice seeing you again. It should be super fun spending Christmas together, eh?"

My eye twitched, and I weakly returned the handshake and made a sad, little sound of agreement, before saying a little too brightly, through gritted teeth, "You never told me anyone was coming today!"

The boss replied, from somewhere in the depths of the refrigerator, "Yes I did, Sasuke-kun. I told you last night."

"Err… no you didn't," I said, the manic cheerfulness of my voice waning a touch. "You never said anything. I was going to ask you about it tonight."

"No, Sasuke-kun. I distinctly remember—" the boss countered, an edge creeping into his voice, "—oh for goodness' sake where the hell is that jar of gherkins?"

"It's finished," I said coldly, folding my arms and watching the boss's backside wriggling around as he searched in vain for pickled cucumbers. "I had the last of them in a sandwich. They were delicious. And no," I added, not forgetting the subject at hand, "you didn't tell me anyone was coming today. I think I would have remembered something like that."

The boss backed up out of the fridge and fixed me with a flinty gaze that, in my experience, has immediately preceded all prior shouting matches between myself and the boss. He opened his mouth to retort, but, fortunately, Kabuto chose that exact moment to enter the room with a yawn and a stretch in an oversized white t-shirt and a pair of boxers.

"It was me you told, Orochimaru-sama," he said sleepily, as he magneted an A4 sheet of paper with the heading "Wish List – Kabuto's Buying" in blue biro. You said you were going to tell Sasuke when you saw him at the party. Oh, hi guys," he added, giving a cursory smile and a wave to everyone assembled. "Nice to see you."

The boss, having missed him this morning, turned on him instantly. "And where have you been for the past two days?" he snapped.

"With Deidara," he said frankly, leaning under the boss's arm in order to grab a can of Pepsi from the fridge. "I had fun. Best extended Christmas party I've ever been to."

"Is that so…" the boss began, and I could see it from the dangerous flash in his eyes that he was gearing up for a proper argument with Kabuto, so I took my opportunity to steal over to the fruit bowl and grab my car keys. The boss spotted me, though, and just as I was about to sneak away, he called out, "—and just where do you think you're going dressed like that?"

I informed him that I was going to the mall with Amachi, Gen, Suigetsu and Karin to pick up some Christmas gifts.

This was a mistake.

I swear not a nanosecond went by before Tsunade said grimly, "we're coming with you. Get the car keys, Dan."

Then, before I even had time to protest, came the inevitable chorus: "Yeah, I was just thinking about doing that myself", "grand idea, Sasuke-kun, I think I'll tag along", "dude, if you're going to the mall, can I get a ride?", "nice one, Sasuke, I still have some presents I need to buy".

When I finally turned up at the car park, Karin was rather shocked to see me turn up with an entourage of thirteen people. The only ones who didn't end up coming were the boss and Kabuto, because everyone else in the house was really only coming so they could escape from them. I could still hear them yelling when I left, and I sincerely hoped that they would get it out of their systems by the time we got back.

Thus it was that a convoy of cars issued forth from the Otogakure Enterprises employees' private car park. Jiraiya and Kiku followed behind me in his BMW, with Dan and Tsunade in the back. Gen took Mr and Mrs Sarutobi in his Lincoln town car. Behind them was Amachi in his weird but cool experimental hybrid-fuel car he built himself, and because Suigetsu likes to live dangerously (and because no one else wanted to go in the kit car) he jumped in with him. Suigetsu does has a car of his own, a snappy-looking Mazda convertible, but he's a lazy sod and won't drive if he can help it. Suigetsu and the boss have something in common, it seems.

As well as Karin, who I originally planned to take, I was lumbered with Naruto, Konohamaru and Sakura, who managed to squeeze into the back seat. We were hardly out of the car park when they started bitching about how there was no room. I stated that my car was designed to be aesthetically pleasurable, that it was a piece of art, and that comfort did not enter the equation. Sakura said it was just like me to buy something flashy and impractical. I countered with the salient observation that it was not, in fact, me who bought it. That shut her up.

Sasuke, 1 – Sakura, 0.

Then Naruto kept prodding me in the back of the head, whinging at me to put on a CD he had brought with him. It turned out to be a random mix of thumping drum and bass Kiku's cousin had burned for him. By the time we got to the mall, my car could have morphed into the Mirth Mobile from Wayne's World the way Naruto, Sakura and Konohamaru were head-banging in the back. The speakers were pounding as I parked the car, and I felt like a thug when I finally turned off the engine and stepped out. As I feared, people were staring at us. One woman even shielded her infant child from my gaze, as though he would have been condemned to end up like me had he caught my eye. Lady, you wish.

Everyone congregated inside the front doors next to Bloomingdale's and Mrs Sarutobi took charge immediately, organising us in regimental fashion with her big, booming, authoritative voice. We were told to meet back here at precisely quarter to eight – no later, "else Sasuke-kun and the rest of us will be leaving without you! Won't we, Sasuke-kun?" I was forced to smile and agree with her. For an old lady, she is quite intimidating – and quite strong, too, as Suigetsu found out to his cost as she yanked him back and reprimanded him with a wagging finger for wandering off and not listening to her instructions. Then again, she is a serial hill walker and is the Vice President of the Konoha Hill Walkers' Club. It makes sense that she'd have a bit of wiry strength about her. In light of this, I may have to reassess my opinion of Sarutobi and his wife as low-maintenance geriatrics.

As soon as Mrs Sarutobi said, "Righto, chaps, off you pop!" it was like she'd fired a starting pistol or something, because everyone raced off in different directions, disappearing into the pre-Christmas melee, leaving Karin and I alone together. Finally, I thought. A slice of normality. Just what the doctor ordered.

Or so I thought.

"Sasukeeee," a familiar voice whispered from over my shoulder. "I need to ask you something."

The palm of my hand connected forcibly with my forehead. "What is it, Naruto?" I hissed.

"What are you getting Sakura-chan for Christmas? Cos, I'm really like… I dunno," he said sheepishly, "I wanna get her something nice, but not too nice if you know what I mean, cos then she'll think I'm coming on to her – which I kinda am, but, like, I don't want her to know that, heh heh."

Oh, Naruto. It seems that he's still intent on going after Sakura, never mind the fact that Hinata from Accounts has had a crush on him for years untold, and never mind that she's a perfectly good looking and respectable girl with a nice pair of tits and ass. Nope. Naruto will stubbornly cling to his addle-brained fantasy that one day – one day – the willowy, fiery strip of a girl, Haruno Sakura, will concede to go out on a date with him.

"She will be mine, Sasuke," he once said to me while we were up drinking in my apartment late at night. "Oh yes… she will be mine. I will go out on a date with Sakura-chan, believe it!"

I am yet to be convinced, although it does seem that now I have left Konoha-Suna Corp. and taken up with the boss, Sakura has warmed up to Naruto slightly. That is not good. There is ¥5,000 of my hard-earned cash riding on Naruto never, ever, ever getting lucky with Sakura, and I don't relish the thought of having to hand it over to him.

I informed him of my plan to purchase her a nice necklace at the jewellery section in Bloomingdales, and he looked thoughtful. Karin, bless her, then invited Naruto along and shared with him another of her sterling gift ideas. She's very thoughtful and considerate. I sure as hell would've have done it.

"We're just going there right now, Naruto," she said, smiling. "You could get her earrings and a bracelet to match Sasuke's necklace. Then she can have a whole set. I'm sure she'd love it."

Naruto sort of stood there for a while, gaping, while his brain processed this information. Then, he took a took a deep breath and cried a piercing cry of joy which startled a passing child as he threw his arms around Karin's neck.

"Karin, that is like the most awesome Christmas idea ever!" he yelled, grinning from ear to ear and jigging enthusiastically. "You're the best!"

And so it was that Sakura ended up with a rather lovely white gold bracelet, necklace and earrings. Karin did rather well out of the whole proceedings, too, as Naruto offered to buy her something as thanks, so she not only managed to obtain a Hot Diamond necklace, bracelet and earrings, but a ring too. I am slightly suspicious of this. Usually I am the one who turns on the charm and has things bought for me by relative strangers.

Anyway, after that, I expressed my desire to head for the Hamleys toy outlet in order to purchase the beanie cat and the shark for Itachi and Kisame. Naruto and Karin helped me elbow my way through the Christmas crowds to get to the shop. It took us half an hour to get there. Seriously. I was bumped, elbowed, shoved, cursed at and my toes were stood upon on multiple occasions. If I'd known what strife was laying in wait for me, I would've turned back and not bothered my arse.

When we finally got to Hamleys, Naruto and Karin busied themselves by cooing over the soft, fleecy stuffed lambs. This left me free to collect one beanie cat and one beanie shark. I wandered over to the till with my Visa in hand, ready to charge the two items to my card when I saw something in the glass display cabinet behind counter which made my jaw drop.

It was Snakey.

Brown, plush and scaled with a pair of amber glass eyes and a grey belly, it was lying there on a shelf, staring out at me. The last time I had seen it, it was being cuddled by the boss in one of his family photos I had hidden away in a shoebox in the bedroom. I knew in an instant that I had to have it. At any cost.

"Errr… how much is that snake in the cabinet there?" I inquired of the severe-looking, middle-aged man who was serving me.

The man looked me up and down and laughed a sanctimonious little laugh as he rang my order through the till. "I am afraid the snake is not for sale, sir."

"What do you mean it's not for sale?"

The shopkeeper rolled his eyes and replied, "That snake is a very rare Steiff collector's piece."

I tried out a bargaining tactic.

"But it's a bit mouldy-looking," I said, observing the snake critically. "Looks as though someone's had it before."

"Sir, it is the only piece left in circulation," the decidedly snooty shopkeeper retorted. "Regardless of its condition, it is extremely valuable. A museum has bid for the toy."

No luck there, then. I decided to try bribery, instead.

"How much do you want for it?" I heard myself saying as I whipped out my chequebook. "Anything. I'll give you anything you want."

"The snake is not for sale, sir. If you wish to express an interest, you will have to go through the proper channels."

Access denied once again. Name-dropping was the next route I attempted.

"That snake there," I said, pointing to it with a ballpoint and looking the shopkeeper directly in the eye, "that snake there used to belong to Orochimaru-sama, my boss. I can bring you the photo as proof if you want. It was his favourite toy in the world when he was little. It's called Snakey. Would you deprive Orochimaru-sama of his Snakey?"

"I do not doubt you can supply proof of prior ownership, Uchiha-san," he replied smoothly, "but the fact remains that the snake no longer belongs to Orochimaru-sama, as Hamleys can supply proof of purchase. If Orochimaru-sama is interested in bidding for the snake, he may contact us directly."

It was then that I started to get angry.

"Look," I seethed, wanting nothing more at that point than to punch the smug git shopkeeper's smug git smile off his face. "All I want to know is how much the snake is worth. Now if you don't tell me, I may be forced to jump over the counter and ram my fist down your throat, you got that?"

The next thing I knew, the jobsworth cretin had pressed a panic button and I was being escorted out of the mall by four beefy security guards. I had to wait outside in the car park, seething with rage, for another two hours so I could show everyone the way back to the compound. Everyone else was cheerful, laughing and getting along, hefting heavy bags full of Christmas gifts into the backs of their vehicles. I, on the other hand, couldn't stop thinking about Snakey. The whole way back, Naruto, Sakura, Karin and Konohamaru were helping me come up with ways to acquire the plush menace. I quite liked Konohamaru's suggestion that I simply walk into Hamleys, pull out a gun, kneecap the shopkeeper so as to maximise the potential agony he must endure for refusing me repeatedly, and then walk out - whistling a cheerful ditty - with Snakey in hand.

Alas, if only I hadn't been summoned to court to face a charge of assault but a few months ago, I would totally be down with that. The judiciary are always more lenient with first-time offenders.

I'm thinking I might have to break out the big guns on this one. Not literally, in that have a secret stash of AK-47s or anything like that. No. Itachi and Kisame arrive tomorrow at 3:15 in the afternoon. Perhaps I can convince them to come on a little shopping trip with me? Who would refuse Kisame? He's six foot four and he can be really bitchy – especially in highly-charged retail situations.

In other non-Snakey related news, the boss and Kabuto seemed to have laid their differences aside. They're playing Call of Duty with Konohamaru and Naruto, and I can hear the loud, rattling sound of machine-gun fire. They invited me to play, but I'm not really very good at that game and I hate losing. I think I might crash the game of poker that Tsunade's got going with Sarutobi and Jiraiya, instead. There's real money at stake, too. I always work best under pressure.

Who knows? I might even be able to win enough to put in a proper bid for Snakey.

AN: Yeah, I know. I'm an irregular updater. You can go for months without hearing from me, then I get some ideas and go on a writing bender. Ten points to the first person to spot the Wayne's World reference (not the Mirth Mobile one).

On with the thanks!

SasukexXxSakura (I know! I love Deidara, too. He just has so much comedy potential. Case in point: when he strangled Tobi with his legs. Oh how I lol'ed! Pity Kishimoto had to kill him off), Dragon77 (hey, lucky you, the update came pretty quickly this time. Thanks for the review. They're always appreciated! ), danni quinn (Oh my god... that is a brilliant idea! Hmmm... I am pondering upon this most excellent of suggestions regarding STD tests, and I am thinking that it most definitely will be used, but later on near the end of the story. You are a genius (and you'll be credited at the top of the chapter, of course!), fiore777 (glad you liked Blackmoon's sketch. Yours is pretty awesome, too. You appear to have a thang goin down with the cute factor in your art (except for that Kimi piece where he's coughed blood into his hand - I shivered with delight at that one. Such pathos). Sorry I never really dealt with Oro and Kabuto resolving their feud (one of the disadvantages of first person). I should maybe write little one-off one-shots from other characters' points of view to get round that), Niver (lol, you have totally hit the nail on the head there with the psycho cousins thing! XD I never thought of it like that, but it's totally true. Akatsuki are like one big dysfunctional family and because he's Itachi's little brother, I guess they consider him to be part of that. And yeah, I can see a canon Sasuke sitting smoking moodily with Sasori and Deidara. Such a drama queen.), yakushi-sushi (lol, breaking pencils with his head! XD If only I'd thought of that line, it's priceless (and true, too, because there were a few kids who did that at my school). Have fun in London - and if you're going to crash that party, don't drink too much vodka. It's a killer. Unless tequila is your only other option. That's even worse. Seriously.), hieilover135 (Eeeeh... mosquitoes. Nasty things. Glad we don't get them where I live. Too cold for the little fuckers. I guess I didn't like the last chapter because it took so damn long for me to get it out. Really, it was like pulling teeth. It just wouldn't come and I got really impatient and fed up because that one chapter was holding everything back. I guess it's okay, looking at it from an outside perspective. The only thing is, I'm not so sure that this chapter is any good either now. XD), SlythCommand (Hiya! Yeah, I'm glad it stopped being evil too. Was just so glad to get the damn thing out of the way. I'm not so sure about this chapter now, though. XD ), Zinjah (I swear I'm not earning any commission from Microsoft. Honest. (looks around shiftily and pockets a large wad of cash)), Nozomi-Sama (Hey! Cheers very much for the review. They're always appreciated. Glad you liked the image of Sasuke sitting in the bathroom smoking with Deidara and Sasori. It is an image I am, sad to say, familiar with. Every time I go to a house party, I always end up sitting with the smokers, even though I don't smoke myself. They usually have good chat, though, and that's always where the gossip is), Anilmathiel Greanleaf (Glad the last chapter cheered you up, and I hope you haven't had any more depressing days since then. And yes, Deidara is such a spaz. He has no fear, and I guess that's why he got the crap beaten out of him by an enraged Oro. XD), and finally, ArilianaFireQueen (Woo! Hello there! Lol, yes, Sasuke's situation could, indeed, have been a lot worse. He could've went into the bathroom instead of Suigetsu, for one. XD Glad you liked the chapter, and you mustn't let Naruto poke you back. You have to show him who's boss.)

Thanks for all the reviews, guys. They cheer me up, really they do.

Until next time!