A Day in the Life
December 15th
I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that, as of 2:00pm, I will have finished work for the duration of the Christmas holiday. The bad news is that I am finishing work at 2:00pm precisely because I have to be at Otogakure airport at 3:15pm to pick up my older sibling and his great, hulking behemoth of a workmate. I have no idea how Kisame will fit into the back of the Aston Martin. He's the tallest person I know - and I know both Jiraiya and Morino Ibiki. Not only that, but Itachi tends to bring along with him an exorbitant amount of luggage for someone of his comparatively diminutive stature, all of it meticulously labeled and packaged in plastic bags.
I'm guessing it's going to be a clown-car job. It's been done before.
Ha ha... It has just occurred to me that there is a charming witticism waiting to be plucked from the depths of absurdity of the above concept: How many Akatsuki Group higher-ups can you fit into the back of an Aston Martin?
I'm sure there's a hilarious punch-line in there somewhere. I'll just have to bend my brain to it and think of one later.
LATER:
Suigetsu is here and we are discussing the rather hilarious e-mail we have just received from Hidan (along with the rest of the known micro-universe I inhabit, or so it seems):
----
From: Hidan (evenjashinhatescreed at akatsuki . org)
To: "Nagato" (mayyouliveineternalpein at akatsuki . org)
Cc: "Get Sharky" (Kisame at akatsuki . org), "Uchiha Itachi" (amaterasusharingan at akatsuki . org ), "Paper Pusher" (konanthebarbarian at akatsuki . org) ,"Zetsu" (favabeans at akatsuki . org), "Kakuzu" (somethingoffal at akatsuki . org),"Art is a BANG!" (blondebombshell at akatsuki . org), "Sasori" (theartistformerlyknownas at akatsuki . org), "Tobi" (goodboy at akatsuki . org), "Oro" (ribbedforyourpleasure at akatsuki . org), "Orochimaru"
(oirokenojutsu at otogakure-enterprises . org ), "Uchiha Sasuke" (practicallyperfectineveryway at konoha-suna . org),
"Uchiha Sasuke" (practicallyperfectineveryway at otogakure-enterprises . org), "Suigetsu" (waterboy at otogakure-enterprises . org),
"Kaguya Kimimaro" (bonedaddy at gmail . com), "Yakushi Kabuto" (bespectacledwunderkind at otogakure-enterprises . org ),
"Momochi Zabuza" (bigchopper at mikatsuhikata . tv ), "Haku" (snowballeffect at mikatsuhikata . tv).
Subject: Kakuzu.
Pein, seriously. Why did you team me up with that geriatric piece of shit? The next time he tries playing one of his lame-ass practical jokes on me, I'm gonna take his head in both my hands and fuck his eyeballs out.
I'm not kidding.
This is a heads-up.
Hidan.
----
Who knew Hidan was so foul-mouthed and uncouth? It seems that I had got him totally and utterly wrong. I voiced my thoughts to Suigetsu on this matter and he informed me that, according to the Sacred Law of Jashin, profanities are positively encouraged, not prohibited. As Suigetsu is given to making things up on a fairly regular basis to make himself sound clever, a cursory search on wikipedia proved that, "one may recognise a true devotee of the cult of Jashin by noting that they tend to swear like troopers." Interesting. Also interesting is that fact that Kakuzu seems to have received the e-mail in the mass carbon copy. Suigetsu and I are waiting patiently by my computer to see whether a flamewar will break out.
LATER:
Oh my lord, this is truly hilarious. Best laugh I have had in a long time. The boss has invited us into his office (read myself, Suigetsu and Kabuto) so that we may sit back, chortle with laughter and watch events unfold at casa Akatsuki.
Observe:
----
From: "Kakuzu" (somethingoffal at akatsuki . org)
To: "Hidan" (evenjashinhatescreed at akatsuki . org)
Cc: "everyone"
Subject: Eyeball fucking.
Speaking of, O Great Cretin extraordinaire... I'm going to give you the biggest and most thorough of your life.
I advise you do not go to sleep tonight. In fact, just don't go to bed ever again, because I'm after your blood.
This is a heads-up.
Kakuzu.
----
From: "Art is a BANG!" (blondebombshell at akatsuki . org)
To: "everyone, lol"
Subject: breaks out the popcron
ROFL, HIDAN, YOU SILLY DICK!! XD
DONT GO TO BED!! KAKUZU IS UNDER THERE WITH A HAMMER WAAAH!!
----
From: "Orochimaru" (oirokenojutsu at otogakure-enterprises . org)
To: "everyone"
Subject: Re. Eyeball fucking
Sounds intriguing. Alas, I think I may have to give it a miss, as I value my eyesight.
Let me know how it goes, though. I am always open to persuasion.
Oro.
x
----
From: "Zetsu" (favabeans at akatsuki . org)
To: "everyone"
Subject: Re. Re. Eyeball fucking
I'll have those eyeballs after you're done. Vitreous humour is always lovely on toast.
Regards,
Zetsu.
----
From: "Tobi" (goodboy at akatsuki . org)
To: "everyone"
Subject: Re. Re. Eyeball Fucking
Retract your penii!!
Stay away from my eye, lol. I only have one left.
Happy Christmas!
-T.
----
From: "Nagato" (mayyouliveineternalpein at akatsuki . org)
To: "Hidan" (evenjashinhatescreed at akatsuki . org)
Cc: "everyone"
Subject: Re. Kakuzu.
Hidan,
You may have heard of such a thing as "office politics". You were partnered with Kakuzu because you were the new boy at the time and the newest members of staff always get loaded with everyone else's shit. At the time, Kakuzu happened to be Akatsuki's only spare turd. Tough luck.
If said turd is bothering you, I advise you punch him in the crotch.
N.
P.S. Everyone, please stop spamming my inbox.
----
From: "Kakuzu" (somethingoffal at akatsuki . org)
To: "Nagato" (mayyouliveineternalpein at akatsuki . org)
Cc: "everyone"
Subject: Re. Re. Kakuzu.
Nagato,
Are you calling me a turd?
Kakuzu.
P.S. Shut up, Oro.
----
From: "Hidan"
To: "Nagato", "Kakuzu"
Cc: "everyone"
Subject: Re. Re. Re. Kakuzu.
Nagato,
I don't think that's very fair. I'm not the newest anymore. I want a transfer.
Hidan.
PS. Yes, he is calling you a turd, Kakuzu. Because you are a turd, and just a turd, a plebian turd, even though you may believe yourself to be King Shit.
----
From: "Orochimaru"
To: "Kakuzu", "everyone"
Subject: Re. Re. Re. Kakuzu
Kakuzu,
Make me.
Kind regards,
Oro.
----
From: "Nagato"
To: "Hidan", "Kakuzu"
Cc: "everyone"
Subject: Re. Re. Re. Re. Kakuzu.
Hidan,
I am really getting tired of this, so I have two options for you. You either put up and shut up, get your head down, be professional and get on with the job I have asked you to do, or I shall fire your sorry arse for being a stupid, whinging gimp whose rock-hard stupidity has resulted in my inbox being repeatedly spammed for no good reason.
Kakuzu,
No. I was not calling you a turd. It was a metaphor, reflecting the tedious inevitability and general unfairness of office politics. With the way I am feeling about you at this precise moment, however, calling you a turd could easily be arranged.
Everyone else,
Merry Christmas (though I must reiterate: stop spamming my inbox).
Nagato.
----
Seriously. This has cheered me up no end! So much for the Akatsuki Group living up to the image of a group of elite professionals (an image upon which, I might add, they spend up to half of their yearly advertising budget trying to cultivate). I wonder what Itachi will think of this farce when he manages to log on to his inbox? He'll be positively livid! This fills me with festive glee. Is that uncharitable?
Speaking of... I'd better be going. It's almost two o'clock and I have to take the stairs to the top level of the car park, since the elevators are out of commission. I venture that I shall be at least a stone lighter by the time I get back.
Will write later!
December 16th
It is ten o'clock on December the 16th and I have had a lie-in for the first time in god knows how long. Itachi and Kisame are both here, safe and sound, eating Crunchy Nut Cornflakes. The boss is here too, munching his way through his customary fruit plate. They are getting on surprisingly well. This could be for one of two reasons: a) Itachi is still ignoring the boss and pretending he doesn't exist, or b) they are presenting a united front in the face of the irritatingly wholesome and chirpy Dan and his Christmas Brigade.
When I made to leave the office for the car park yesterday afternoon, grabbing my coat, coffee and car keys, the boss inquired as to where I was headed.
"Off to the airport to pick up Itachi and Kisame," I replied. "I told you about this several weeks ago."
The boss didn't reply, but looked thoughtful for a moment. Then a ghost of a smile flitted across his face as he stood up and announced, "I shall come with you, Sasuke-kun."
"W-What?" I stuttered, completely unprepared for such spontaneous thoughtlessness. "I mean, why?"
"Do I need a reason?" the boss replied smoothly, fixing me with a sidelong, mischievous look.
Then, the proverbial light dawned.
"You just want to wind up my brother, don't you?" I said stonily, placing my hands on my hips for emphasis.
"Perhaps," the boss replied, smiling wryly. "Though it is not just that, Sasuke-kun. He will have to get used to the fact that we are a couple, and what better way to show solidarity than to arrive at the airport together with the Rolls?"
He had me at that point, damn it. Not only did he hold the moral high ground (there's a phrase I never thought I'd use in conjunction with the boss) but offered the use of a driver and the Rolls, which, being copiously spacious, can easily accommodate excess luggage and the freakishly tall. My last resort was going to be the old "no room in the Aston Martin" excuse, but the boss had whipped the carpet out from under my feet.
"Fine," I sighed, accepting defeat. "But don't blame me if you end up in jail again."
And so it was that I showed up in grand fashion at international arrivals with the boss. Several people collecting luggage from a nearby conveyor belt felt it appropriate to stare, whisper and point. Someone even took a picture of us with their phone. The boss never feels self conscious when these sorts of things happen, because it happens to him all the time, but I do! Especially since the erstwhile private status of my secret relationship with the boss became very much public property at my farce of a trial thanks to Naruto.
This resulted in my trying to hide and look as inconspicuous as possible. Unfortunately, this is a very difficult thing to achieve when one is in the company of the boss, as he is probably the most conspicuous person I've ever met. Thus, when Itachi and Kisame showed up (at exactly 3:15), I sort of scuttled over towards them and whispered, "Hi."
All my scuttling amounted to naught, however, as the boss also spotted his two former colleagues and swept over with deliberate grace and extra flounce. Itachi clocked him immediately, and I noticed a small muscle at the side of his mouth tic.
"Sasuke," my older brother said gravely, inclining his head. "Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas to you, too, onii-chan!" I said weakly, as we performed our customary Excruciating Brotherly Hug (© Uchiha Itachi, Uchiha Sasuke, 1998-2007).
In turn, Kisame exchanged greetings with the boss, which included much in the way of jocular punches on the shoulder, followed by a much more exuberant and manly hug (I never knew the boss did manly hugs. I learned quite a few things, yesterday). Itachi, however, never said a word to the boss. In fact, I would go as far to say that he ignored him completely. Apart from that initial, little tic of the mouth at arrivals (which only I can spot, as I know my brother too well) he betrayed no signs of having acknowledged the boss's presence and seemed to be working very hard pretending he wasn't there, which is a really tough thing to do, as, I have already noted, the boss isn't the type to fade into the background.
It came as something of a surprise, then, that the ride back was surprisingly easy-going. This was mainly down to the boss and Kisame, who were chatting away quite genially and, to quote Kisame, "doing some serious catching-up" as they hadn't seen one another since my trial, and had not had the pleasure of a proper talk since Goldie's funeral all those months ago. When the boss told Kisame about Hidan's carbon copying mishap, Kisame's eyes lit up with evil glee and he whipped out his brand new Blackberry to check his e-mails. He scanned the contents of the now infamous series of Akatsuki Group correspondences and then proceeded to guffaw heartily.
"That idiot…" he choked, wiping a tear from his eye as Itachi frowned and deftly plucked the Blackberry from his unresisting hands. "I didn't think he actually believed me!"
In the background, Itachi's silent frown became increasingly pronounced as he perused the e-mails. In the foreground, however, the boss grinned a wolfish grin that foretold the arrival of interesting and potentially amusing gossip.
"Do tell, Kisame," the boss said slyly. "You know how Sasuke-kun and I like to be first in the loop."
It took a few seconds for Kisame to calm down enough to tell us, but when he did… well… I never knew anyone could be quite so gullible. Or just plain thick, to be honest.
A few months back, before Goldie died, Hidan had apparently wandered into Kisame's office upon a random, summer morning. Kisame, having inquired as to what Hidan wanted, was given the reply, "What's that "Cc" thing on the e-mails? You know, at the top next to "from", "to", and "send" and stuff. What's it for?"
Now Kisame, being a subtly cruel and bitchy sort, told Hidan a whopper as punishment for interrupting him while he was working, telling him that, "When you don't want anyone else to see your e-mail bar the person you are sending it to, you click the Cc button and then the contacts you want the e-mail kept secret from."
"Ah," Hidan then said, looking as though the proverbial light bulb had pinged. "I get you. The Cs stands for confidential, right?"
Kisame had replied, without a flicker of remorse, "Yes. You are a clever boy, aren't you?"
And then Hidan had left, and Kisame had forgotten all about his horrendous, spur-of-the-moment lie – until now, that is.
Needless to say, hilarity ensued. The boss cracked up, which caused me to crack up and we all ended rolling about laughing in the back of the Rolls. The only one not laughing was Itachi because, of course, he was "concerned about how such ignorant and slanderous remarks would affect the image of the company."
Itachi was duly advised to "lighten up" by both Kisame and the boss, which made Itachi scowl. He ended up sitting with his arms folded for the rest of the journey, not speaking to anyone. I did feel bad, and I wanted to go over and try to cheer him up, really I did, but the boss sort of slung his arm around me at that point and I was squished into a cuddle. So I didn't.
We all piled out when we arrived back at the car park and an underling arrived to transport Itachi's multiple cases full of god-knows-what to the compound. The underling was tactfully ignored, and the elevator ride and the following trudge to the boss's house passed without further incident. It was only when we drew closer to the compound that Itachi spoke up, his brow furrowed in puzzlement, interrupting Kisame who had been telling us an amusing story about Sasori and a lorry full of stolen bananas.
"Can any of you smell cinnamon?" he said.
A moment's silence followed while we engaged our olfactory organs.
"Yes," I replied, as my sensitive nasal passages had indeed detected the distinct, warm and spicy aroma of cinnamon.
The boss, however, having detected cinnamon in the air decided to skip the now rather obvious confirmation stage and had advanced to the next: suspicion and mild paranoia.
"Why does my house smell of cinnamon?" he said quietly, his eyes narrowing. "And what the hell is that?" he added, pointing a finger at a first-floor window.
From a first floor window, a single, forlorn and gently flickering light-up santa dangled from a LED rope. I guess it was supposed to look like the santa was climbing up the rope to facilitate its entry into the house, thereby hastening the giving of presents. Kisame, however, voiced what we were all really thinking.
"That's the tackiest thing I've ever seen," he said with a sneer. "Oro, I'm surprised at you. What were you thinking?"
"Kisame, it is nothing to do with me!" the boss snapped as he began to stride towards the front door, ready to unleash his own special brand of festive hell upon whichever unfortunate had had the audacity to purchase and hang the tacky santa. "And believe me, when I get my hands on— Dan! Do not take another step! What is that… that thing?"
Having emerged from the front door carrying what appeared to be a light up reindeer, Dan smiled earnestly and replied, "It's the FL-39 outdoor illuminated climbing santa figurine. Isn't it festive?"
"That's not what I was thinking," Kisame said in an undertone, smirking. Itachi grimaced and said nothing.
"Take it down," the boss demanded. "It looks dreadful. You're making my house look like a prefab monstrosity from the suburbs!"
Then Naruto bounced out, full of Christmas cheer, with what looked like an as-yet-uninflated giant, inflatable snowman draped over his arms. The appearance of more articles of cheap tat and the prospect of said tat festooning his elegant home further agitated the boss. He sort of went off on one and demanded that the tacky santa be taken down and destroyed. He went on to add that there would be absolutely no outside decorations, save perhaps a tasteful wreath nailed to the door and, if they were lucky, a real tree. Then he finished his tirade by calling Naruto and Dan some nasty names which made Kisame snigger, before storming into the house and announcing to everyone that any future Christmas decoration projects had to be run past him first.
This has led to the boss earning himself the reputation of, and I quote Konohamaru, "The One Who is Intent to Shit Upon Christmas". This has divided everyone into two camps. First, the Christmas Brigade, led by Dan, who have an almost obsessive love for all things tacky, flashing, traditional and festive. This camp comprises of Dan, Naruto, Kiku, Konohamaru and Mrs Sarutobi. On the other more sensible side of the battlefield, represented by "The One Who is Intent to Shit Upon Christmas" is Itachi, Kisame, Tsunade, Kabuto and myself. There is a third "Not bothered" camp comprising of Jiraiya, Sarutobi and Sakura (but our intelligence tells us that Sakura secretly wants to be part of the "Christmas Brigade" as Kabuto saw her playing with – and smiling at! -a singing Christmas tree earlier on when she thought no one was looking). The third camp is essential, as they will be the ones, doubtless, who will be snidely asked to "tell X to pass the gravy/potatoes/chipolatas" at Christmas dinner if the gathering intensity of this feud is anything to go by.
Itachi, Kisame and I have planned a trip to the mall this afternoon, in order to purchase gifts and assess the Snakey situation (I haven't told Itachi who it's for yet. I'm hoping our Anti-Christmas-Brigade cause will see him warm to the boss a little before I do.) I'm not so much looking forward to the mall trip, because, basically, it's out of one insane asylum and into another. Christmas shopping can be horribly competitive. But it can't be worse than listening to Tsunade and the boss bitching about Dan.
Can it?
LATER:
The trip to the mall was surprisingly productive. Itachi came armed with a list and single-mindedly went about his business, resulting in his acquiring every single damn gift on it, apart from the ones to be delivered to the boss's house that he has already ordered online. Kisame and I also made considerable dents in our lists, as my newly updated Official Gift List illustrates:
Sasuke's Official Gift List - Mark II
Kabuto – a year's online subscription to the New Scientist
Tsunade – VIP membership to the Oto Super Casino
Jiraiya – online subscription to 'Gone Fistin'
Sarutobi – online subscription to 'Gone Fistin'
Dan – pair of beige dress chinos from L. L. Bean, 32" waist
The boss – Snakey, and lovingly made photo album.
----
Come to think of it, it's only the boss's presents and the online stuff I have to arrange now. I think I did rather well, considering half of the people I am buying for are idiot Christmas savants and I really don't feel like they deserve to benefit from my kindness at the moment.
Factions and uncharitable thoughts aside, we are back at the boss's house, sipping cautiously at mugs of mulled wine that Mrs Sarutobi bullied Dan into making with her and having a conference on the best way to acquire Snakey. Jiraiya has joined us, and because of that, Itachi is now aware who Snakey is for. On the upside, because my psychotically perfectionist brother cannot accept failure in any way, shape or form, he appears to have put aside his grudge with the boss in order to stick it to Hamleys. Big style.
Yes, Itachi and Kisame have encountered the smarmy store clerk, and yes, they both returned empty-handed to Costa coffee at the food court where I was waiting for them, my left leg jigging nervously. Kisame blew up and was calling the man for everything. Itachi, on the other hand, remained solemnly silent and never touched his skinny latte. This state of affairs continued for some five minutes or so before Itachi looked up suddenly and said in a monotone:
"I am going to get that snake for you Sasuke."
Then he got up and went to the john without another word. Kisame and I shot each other looks of trepidation. We both knew that tone. Itachi meant business. The nuclear holocaust would tear the world apart before Itachi would ever give up – and maybe not even then. I can just imagine it: two familiar and gently glowing individuals standing upon a barren wasteland, facing off, surrounded by twisted metal, empty concrete shells and cockroaches. Itachi and the smarmy Hamleys clerk – the last known survivors. And Snakey, still in the arms of the latter - the catalyst, the reason billions of innocent lives were lost.
And the way things are going, it will be bloody nuclear warfare before I ever get my hands on that snake. We have been sitting here for about an hour now and have come to the conclusion that the only way to get our hands on Snakey is to commit an act of larceny. The only problem? Who will carry out the theft? Kisame is up for it, but Itachi countered with logic, stating that since they were already running from the law in one country, things would become increasingly difficult if they were to be caught. For one thing, he said, it would have meant cutting Christmas short and they had already bought gifts for everyone.
"Then how about Sasuke?" Jiraiya offered.
"No," Itachi said calmly. "Once the snake is in our hands, Sasuke will be immediately under suspicion. Could you not do it, Jiraiya?"
Jiraiya looked uncomfortable for a moment and tugged at the collar of his shirt.
"Errr… well, you see," he muttered, "I would but I've sort of got a few convictions of my own. Indecent exposure, voyeurism, errr… being caught in an illegal brothel -that wasn't my fault - and one account of breaking and entering, but that was an accident. I was drunk and lost my keys and broke into the house three doors down."
It is official. Almost everyone I know is a dirty, filthy criminal.
"I suppose we're going to have to call someone, then," Kisame said thoughtfully. "Who, though? I would have phoned Hidan, but he's not talking to me right now. Not Deidara, either. He just sets fire to everything."
"There's always Zetsu," Itachi suggested. "Or Nagato."
A silence followed, during which everyone looked pensive. Then, slowly, a small smile began to lurk at the corners of my brother's mouth. He turned to face me directly. "Sasuke," he said, "I think it's time we gave Nagato a call. It is possible to hire his services for a fee, so I shall see what I can do. I will be back momentarily."
Courtesy of my mentally-maladjusted brother, I have now hired the services of another grade A psychopath for a discounted fee to steal a plush snake from a toy shop in the local mall.
This is abnormal.
I want to join the Christmas Brigade…
Let it be known, and I shall officially put this on record, that I LOATHE the Nazi filter ff . net has regarding e-mail addresses. I want to smash it into tiny pieces until it is but a bloody stain upon this wretched earth.
Let it also be known that Rufus Wainwright has a godly voice and phenomenal talent. Oh yes.
Now on with the customary thank you notes to all my kick-ass reviewers:-)
SasukexXxSakura (Whee! Thank you. Glad you liked it. I wasn't too sure about that last one), danni quinn (I fear your insight sometimes. That's twice you've predicted some sort of plot twist. And no, it doesn't sound rude. I'd want to be, if it was me. Fear not, though, for although your STD test idea will be used at the end of the story (for a clue as to the outcome - think canon) you will be credited! As for Sasori... lol... let's just say he finally managed to escape from the attic and had to walk home to Akatsuki HQ. It took him a while), fiore777 (No, I did not know that about Itachi's seiyuu. What a fantastic coincidence! XD I was only working along the lines of Uchihas cats. It would be nice if someone offered to illustrate some of the photos. If only I had drawing talent, dammit! One-shots would rock... yes. I think I might write one about what happened to Sasori after the Christmas party), Anilmathiel Greenleaf (Yes, things with Snakey are always unpredictable. And if you're caught up with the latest canon, adding Pein into the equation is going to make things even more so! I also secretly want a Snakey), ArilianaFireQueen (oh my god, if you do one thing before you shuffle off this mortal coil, watch Wayne's World I and II. Seriously. They're two of the funniest movies I've ever seen), Niver (I'm all for bullying people into reading stories I like, and I'm rather honoured that you would bully your friend into reading mine! For the record, though, I do not condone bullying ;-). Unless it's for a good cause...), LenisVox (Yay! Hello again. Nice to see another familiar face returning to review. I stopped writing for about two months, so you didn't miss much, lol. Think I'll join you in cuddling Snakey (I want one!), Zinjah (funniest review ever... seriously. XD You have to write that. I shall love you forever if you do!)
Thanks again, guys. I'm off to the uni library for the daily grind. See you all soon:-)