A Day in the Life
December 29th
Since the dizzying rush of Christmas, I can report, with a thankful heart, that the past few days have been blissfully uneventful. We have had a few invites to some New Year parties, and that has been the main subject of discussion. Naruto received a call from Gaara yesterday, inviting him to the party at his beach house on the Suna coast. As Naruto has no sense of discretion whatsoever, he asked if it would be okay if seven other people could come along. Gaara said that that would be fine. The boss wasn't convinced at first, and said that the only way he would even think about going was if there would be air-con. Gaara was still on the line, and Naruto relayed the boss's request. Gaara confirmed that there was air-con, and the boss waved a hand and said, "Very well then."
So we are going to Suna for some New Year sun. Unfortunately, I have been left in a bit of dilemma as far as Mallory is concerned. My initial plan was to have Mallory come along with us (he has had his rabies vaccination, and the company regularly flouts quarantine laws). However, it has come to my attention that Gaara owns a rather large bullmastiff that goes by the name of Boris. Naruto assures me that it is friendly, but I would like confirmation from Gaara first, before I put the life of my cuddly one on the line.
In other news, most of the non-resident members of the household have left, among them my brother, who caught a flight back to River Country with Kisame on the 27th. I am ashamed to say it, but I was quite sad to see him leave. Against all odds, one might think, I have grown used to his company, having spent more time with him since I started my job here at Otogakure than I ever did in all the years I was at Konoha-Suna.
Once again, the boss offered the use of his Rolls and he made the trip with me – which was uncharacteristically kind of him, I must say, considering the enmity he shares with my brother. When the time came to part at the boarding gate, my bottom lip started to feel a bit wibbly, so I crushed my brother in a hug in order to avert any potential embarrassment and pointing and sniggering from Kisame. Fortunately, he was too busy arguing with the flight attendant over the availability of extra leg-room seats, so I capitalised on the opportunity to tell my brother, most earnestly, to take care of himself and to punch Uncle Madara for me next time he saw him.
Itachi doesn't do physical contact, and as soon as my arms locked around his neck, I felt him cringing instinctively, but he tolerated it, which was surprising in its own way. The whole moment lasted but for a few seconds and then it was his turn to board. I don't know why, but I felt incredibly anxious about this, as though if I were to let Itachi slip from my grasp that something terrible would happen.
"Itachi," I said suddenly, reaching for anything that could delay the inevitable, "you'll think about coming at New Year, won't you? Deidara and Sasori will be there."
"I shall if I am able to get away, Sasuke," he said. "I will call you nearer the time to let you know."
And then he was gone.
As I said, I felt strangely morose about this, and my heart was not really in the game of laser tag Naruto made me play the minute I got back. Of course, the boss noticed (as he had managed to sneak up and shoot me several times without me noticing). Later on, when we were having a bite to eat in the dining room, he cornered me squarely about it and we had a chat. I told him that I was worried about my brother – especially so because he was going back to face our obnoxious Uncle Madara. The boss looked thoughtful for a moment, miso onigiri balanced upon a pair of chopsticks, before he offered the suggestion that he could help convince Itachi to come to Gaara's for the New Year. I asked him exactly how he could do it if I, his own flesh and blood, could not.
Suffice it to say, it involves a teensy bit of scandal. Our being photographed by the press committing acts of gross indecency in a public place will definitely get page space in the daily rags (and will hence come to the attention of my overprotective brother). Initially, you might understand, I was a tad sceptical, and I raised my eyebrow at the boss and fixed him with an exasperated look. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realised that the boss is, in fact, a genius when it comes to the ruthless manipulation of other people. The one thing guaranteed to have my brother haring across countries, no expense spared, is the thought of the boss having his wicked way with me.
So the plan is to book a table at a restaurant in Konoha (there is nowhere in Otogakure that will satisfy the boss's stringent checklist for culinary perfection), fly there, do the business, and then fly back. Kabuto has graciously agreed to be the anonymous tip-off to the press. I thought he might be a bit bothered by it, since he is the most recent ex and I'm going to be cavorting with the boss for the benefit of Itachi via the press, so I mentioned this to him in passing over a slice of toast. Kabuto just shrugged, though, supremely unfazed, and said that he had already agreed to hook up with Deidara again at Gaara's. Jiraiya and Kiku are going to come with us (and brave the danger of Teuchi-san for the first time), while Naruto is only too happy to hang back at the compound with Sakura and Kabuto.
Everyone seems quite comfortable with the situation - which is rather odd, I admit - but I'm not complaining. Actually, I'm rather looking forward to being bad for a change, though a little nervous as well (after all, I do not exactly have the cleanest track record with the press). We're going to fly out tonight to the restaurant and back again before making the journey out to the Suna coast for the New Year party at Gaara's beach house. With any luck, the paparazzi should have their stories in print in time for the various morning editions and my brother will call me up just as I'm about to leave for Suna to let me know he shall be attending.
I must say that the boss is being very good about all this. Though I suppose the payoff for him is getting to grope me in public, so benefits extend to both parties. Not sure what Jiraiya and Kiku will get out of the experience, however. A free meal maybe? At any rate, I should get going. It's going to take me at least an hour to decide what I'm going to wear (suit or kimono? And even then, which suit, which kimono? The possibilities are endless!)
If I have time tomorrow before the flight to Suna, I shall report back.
Fingers crossed for me!
December 30th
Oh. My. God.
I feel filthy, but last night was so much fun that I think I just might be willing to let it slide. The boss is lying next to me, yawning, groaning and nursing the hang-over from hell. I laugh heartily at his torment. It's his own damn fault for drinking all that wine. He hasn't seen the snaps yet, but I have the funniest feeling that before long, he'll be demanding a servant fetch him scissors so he can cut them out from the paper and put them in the photo album.
They are truly spectacular. If this doesn't send Itachi running, I don't know what will.
Different papers appear to have gone for different shots of the boss and I, though that is no surprise, since Kabuto did his job beautifully, ensuring that each of the main newspapers had their scavenging hordes ready and waiting outside Kitcho – the finest kaiseki restaurant in Konoha. Kitcho, in case you don't already know, is so incredibly posh that it does not take reservations without a prior introduction. It's more like a private members' club than a place to eat. Luckily for Kiku and I, the proprietors knew both Jiraiya and the boss personally, and our lowly, unintroduced presence was tolerated.
When we stepped off the plane at Konoha airport, the mood between the four of us was one of tangible excitement. Kiku was quite giggly, having somewhat lost her fear of eating in expensive restaurants due to her baptism of fire eating at the boss's table every night, and she was clinging to Jiraiya's arm for support, tottering through the airport towards the limo on a pair of three-inch heels. Jiraiya, I think, was simply happy to be back in Konoha, and he was cracking jokes left right and centre – making us all laugh until the tears came. The boss, of course, loves to show off and play up to the camera, and the thought of feeling me up in purpose in front of a hundred flashing camera bulbs, I believe, appealed to him on a deep and personal level. As for me, well, I was simply looking forward to a little pre-planned naughtiness for a change, instead of the accidental naughtiness that seems to plague every moment of my waking existence. Both will cause trouble, that is guaranteed, but it's so much less stressful when you know it's coming.
In the limo, it was much the same – us feeding off each others' excitement – except that Jiraiya found a bottle of champagne and insisted on cracking it open. Fine by me, I said, accepting a glass of bubbly and handing another to the boss. After all, a little bit of Dutch courage before the main event never did anyone any harm. By the time we pulled up at the kerb outside Kitcho, we were in hysterics. Jiraiya had just told us a fabulous joke about an actress and a gay bishop, and Kiku was laughing so hard, that she had to jam both index fingers underneath her eyelids to stop her mascara running. Through the tinted windows, we could make out the aggressive sounds of general press-related commotion and the flashing of cameras. Then the door to the limo was opened.
Most of the shots the press managed to get were of the four of us standing outside the restaurant. Astonishingly, Kiku and Jiraiya were the ones who behaved with proper decorum, though there really wasn't much room for comparison, because as soon as I emerged from the limo, the boss spun me round, dragged me towards him and stuck his tongue down my throat. Having been half-blinded by chattering flashbulbs, I wasn't quite ready for such a full-on, glossal intrusion and I accidentally coughed in his mouth. Fortunately, I recovered myself in admirable fashion and, in retaliation, I clamped both my hands on the boss's backside and squeezed. While Jiraiya and Kiku stood there, arms round each others' waists, waving and smiling at the press, the boss and I were just about hitting second base. People were wolf-whistling.
Dinner itself was fantastic. Really. It was like nothing I have experience before. If I were to sum it up in a single sentence it would be "no-holds-barred hospitality – pure and simple." Before dinner, we were directed into a gorgeous antechamber where we were plied with ice-cold umeshu. A maid arrived shortly after to direct us to our private room, where we met Yuki-san, the middle-aged female proprietor who served as hostess and director of our feast. The food – oh god, the food! - was spectacular. Eleven courses were served in all, and the delicious, indelible memory of each will stay with me to the grave. My favourite, though, was definitely the sashimi course: a couplet of fatty tuna, two slices of succulent sea bass and a torigami clam on crushed ice, served not on priceless china, but on a dewy lotus leaf, its delicate leaves unfurling to reveal the mouth-watering contents within. I don't mind telling you that I had to suppress a few orgasms.
I feared we might have encountered a few problems with Kiku, as she's a bit fussy when it comes to food (she was brought up in a rough area of Konoha where a KFC bargain bucket with corn-cob sides was thought to cover all the major food groups). Yet again, she surprised me. I know for a fact that she doesn't like raw fish, but in order not to embarrass Jiraiya, she steeled herself and chowed down on the lot. The boss was obviously pleased with her too, and he said so, remarking upon what he viewed as a positive change in her attitude, paying her this brief, passing compliment before sampling his grilled oysters. Kiku grinned like she'd won the lottery. I'm guessing that she has finally passed the Orochimaru test. I'm happy for her – I really am. Being naturally charming as I am, it's been an easy ride for me, winning over the boss's best friends. Not so for Kiku, alas. Yes, she may have had to work a little harder, but that hard work has paid off. She managed to win Tsunade over at Christmas, and I think she has finally managed to meet the boss's high standards for significant others. Maybe now the boss won't sneer at her any longer when she pronounces certain words incorrectly, or when she eats her food in the wrong order. I can but hope.
By the time the final course rolled around, we were all quite content and chatting away happily to one another. A few more servings of sake, and we were left to our own devices until the boss decided it was time to make a move. There were still a fair few paparazzi loitering outside, but most of the hardcore journalists had left, having got what they wanted. We didn't stop to humour them this time, and headed straight for the limo.
When we were loitering around on the runway, waiting to board the plane, I asked Kiku for my iPhone which she had kindly agreed to put in her clutch bag for safe-keeping during dinner. She handed it over. There were twelve missed calls from Naruto. I hardly even had time to roll my eyes before my phone rang again. Of course, it was Naruto, and he was yelling so loudly the first time round that it actually made my ears ring. After having admonished Naruto and turned down the volume on my phone, we had the following exchange.
Naruto: "YOU'RE ON THE INTERNET!"
Me: "What?"
Naruto: "YOU'RE ON THE INTERNET, SASUKE!!"
Me: "Yes, I heard you. I meant 'what do you mean, on the internet?'"
(interlude consisting of Sakura whispering something inaudible and the clicking of a mouse button in the background.)
Naruto: "YOU'RE— what? yeah, he's here just now, I'm talking to him— YEAH, KABUTO AND SAKURA-CHAN SAY YOU'RE IN THE ONION, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. THERE'S A PICTURE OF YOU AND ORO."
Me: "Oh god. Not The Onion..."
Naruto: "YEAH. THE ONION. THERE'S A PICTURE OF YOU AND ORO GETTING FREAKY NEXT TO A TREE IN A POT, AND IT SAYS "OTO-KAGE'S LATEST INVESTMENT."
Me: "...christ."
Naruto: "OH! WAIT! KABUTO'S JUST WENT ONTO THE DAILY BLAB WEBSITE..."
Me: "And?"
Naruto: "... OH MY GOD!! I CAN SEE TONGUE!!"
At that point, Naruto succumbed to a giggle fit and I hung up, torn between grinning like a lunatic and rolling my eyes in disgust. It seemed that the initial part of the boss's plan had went off without a hitch, and now that The Onion was onto the story, there was no way Itachi wouldn't hear of it. Kakuzu subscribes to both the online and the print versions, and he will take any chance he can get to humiliate and make miserable the life of another human being. He will tell Itachi. It is inevitable. All I have to do now is sit back and wait for the phone call. It hasn't come yet, but it's still early and Itachi always does half the work for that company, anyway, so he'll be busy.
The most surprising outcome of this whole exercise in media manipulation, however, is that some of them seem to have latched on to Kiku. On the front page of the Konoha Mail, they have opted to run for the headline: "JIRAIYA'S MYSTERY BLONDE" followed by a shot of Kiku in her full-length ivory-coloured dress. The Mizu Star have run with: "WHO IS THE BLONDE, JIRAIYA?" and the rest of the tabloids are variations on that theme. I suppose I must concede that she can be quite photogenic...
If all goes to plan, we should be leaving for Suna in a couple of hours. I'm crossing my fingers that the boss's sordid scheme bears fruit, because if I have embarrassed myself for nothing, I swear I will deny him sex for at least a week.
On the upside, I have just received the following e-mail from Gaara:
----
From: "Gaara" (seekingserotonin at konoha-suna dot org)
To: "Uchiha Sasuke" (practicallyperfectineveryway at otogakure-enterprises dot org)
Subject: Kitten.
Sasuke,
You can bring Mallory. Boris is quite friendly. If things don't work out, then we can always keep the kitten in your room.
Will see you soon.
Gaara.
----
It's official. I shall have to pack Mallory along with my beach clothes. For a minute there, I was worried I would have to leave him behind with some inept member of the house staff, but now I will be able to sleep easily while I'm at Gaara's, knowing my kitty is receiving due care, attention and snuggles.
Better wrap this up for now. Beach towels, flip-flops and sunshades are begging to be stuffed haphazardly into a suitcase, and I only have about an hour to do it.
LATER:
At this very moment, I am sitting on the boss's private jet with Naruto, Sakura, Kabuto, Jiraiya, Kiku and the boss. We are about two hours away from our destination, and I have just received the following e-mail:
----
From: "Uchiha Itachi" (amaterasu-sharingan at akatsuki dot org)
To: "Uchiha Sasuke" (practicallyperfectineveryway at otogakure-enterprises dot org)
Subject: New Year
Sasuke,
A quick note to let you know I shall be attending, even though I am extremely busy and will have to pay through the nose for a last minute flight. I will speak to you about your conduct in Konoha forthwith.
Itachi.
----
Success.
I am feeling so smug right now, you have no idea. I have just shown the e-mail to the boss, and he smiled in a self-satisfied manner and said, wrapping his arm around my shoulders, "Oh ye of little faith, Sasuke-kun. I did tell you it would work, did I not?"
In response, my jaw did drop in righteous indignation and I replied that I did, in fact, have faith because if I had not had faith, then there would have been no way in hell I would have agreed to his perverted, harebrained scheme in the first place.
"Whatever you say, Sasuke-kun," the boss said airily, before turning back to his book.
Despite his irritating level of conceit, I am feeling rather well-disposed towards the boss at the moment. To show this, I have been squeezing up against him, flipping the pages of his book when he's trying to concentrate, prodding him in the ribs, tugging his hair, and being generally distracting. He keeps saying, "Enough, Sasuke-kun," but every time he lets his guard down, I'm right back in there. It's hilarious fun and undoubtedly the best way to pass time on a long haul flight.
I'm really looking forward to this trip now. Sun, sea, sand and (hopefully) some hot sex in a big, airy room with white, billowing, cotton curtains and a sea view. And my brother. But not in the same sentence. On no account are those two sentences to be run together. I think that would be the end of Itachi, if that were to happen.
LATER:
We have all arrived at Gaara's, safe and sound – including Mallory. Against all expectations, there have been no kitty-related violent deaths to record. Boris the bullmastiff has really taken to my little Mallory, and after the initial cautious introductory sniffing and circling of one another, Mallory decided to cut short the preamble and clawed Boris on the nose. Boris, I suppose, took this as a sign of valour on the part of my little kitty (because, let's face it, if the big, hulking lump of a dog wanted to end him, all it would have to do would be to clamp its jaws around his fragile frame and shake) and it has tolerated all the subsequent pouncing, surprise attacks, tail-pulling and ear-gnawing with great dignity and patience. Even though Mallory is not allowed outside, I am sure the two will remain good friends throughout the duration of our stay.
The same, I fear, might not be able to be said about the human occupants of the house. Deidara was lying in wait for us when we arrived, and as soon as the boss and I stepped foot through the door, he was laughing and jeering and waving a copy of the Suna Inquirer and a print out of The Onion in our faces. The boss was not in the mood for teasing, as he moaned the face off me the whole car journey because he was too hot ("Sasuke-kun, it is too hot! I am melting! I swear I am melting, and this weather is ridiculous! How anyone can survive here, I cannot fathom— and don't you dare smirk at me!") The boss extended his arm, placed his palm over Deidara's face and shoved him out of the way. Unfazed, Deidara cackled with glee at the boss's reaction and pranced around us all the way into the kitchen, where the others were still having breakfast (at one in the afternoon, I might add, the lazy sods).
"They're here, they're here!" he sung, as several familiar faces turned round to see what all the commotion was about.
Sitting around the table, variously picking at fruit, munching away at cereal and smoking were: Gaara, his brother Kankurou, his sister Temari, Sasori (smoking), old lady Chiyo (also smoking) and her brother Ebizou. Boris, the wall of muscle in the shape of a dog, was making short work of a hide chew under the table. He looked up at us and barked eagerly. The others raised their hands and said "hi", more interested in their breakfast than anything else, but old lady Chiyo looked at the boss with a mischievous glint in her eye and came over to give him a welcome hug.
"Oro-chan," she said, standing on her tiptoes so she could stretch up and pinch him on both cheeks. "I see from this morning's papers that you are in perfect health and up to your old tricks again?"
She flashed me a wicked, sidelong grin, and I blushed so hard that I felt the urgent need to pretend that I was interested in my luggage. Seriously. What is it about old people and their power to make you feel acutely embarrassed with a well-timed, subtly smutty remark? Old lady Chiyo and Sarutobi are the worst for it, I swear, and I'm sure that if Ebizou is anything like his sister, then he'll be making my face turn scarlet at some point during the proceedings.
In response, the boss murmured something that might have been rude, I don't know, because at that point Gaara came over to greet us and shake our hands.
"Sasuke," he said, inclining his head. "Glad you have you here."
"Thank you for inviting us," I said, flashing my winning, most sincere Uchiha smile.
"Your brother will be joining us tomorrow at some point?"
"Oh yes. He's flying out early tomorrow morning. He should arrive round about ten in the morning, if there are no delays."
Gaara nodded courteously, before turning his attentions to the boss. Holding out his hand, he smiled slightly and said, "Orochimaru-sama. It is an honour."
The memory of what happened next will stay with me to the grave – possibly even beyond if there is indeed an afterlife in which one may be further tormented.
Accepting Gaara's outstretched hand, the boss stared down his nose at him with narrowed eyes, looking as though he was trying to remember something important. Then he uttered the immortal words:
"Gaara. That's a rather odd name you have there: "self-loving demon". Does that indicate, by any chance, that you are a chronic masturbator?"
A shocked silence fell. Spoons clattered into cereal bowls and hands paused on the way to helping themselves to another slice of mango. My own hand reached to cover my mouth in shock, and I was just about ready to lift my suitcase and head back to Otogakure when the room erupted.
The Suna crowd plus Deidara descended into fits of hysterical laughter, and Jiraiya, Kiku and Naruto soon added to their ranks.
"Oh my god," Kankurou choked out, wiping the tears from his eyes. "I can't breathe... I can't breathe."
All the while, the boss was looking around the room, puzzled as to why such an innocent remark (in his eyes) had caused such an uproar. He looked at me and shrugged as if to say, "What is that all about?" I gave him a warning look, and turned round, about to apologise to Gaara for the boss's rudeness, when Gaara smiled and said, "No, Orochimaru-sama. It does not. I'm sure someone will fill you in on the story later, but right now, I will show you to your room."
The boss shrugged his shoulders by way of assent, and he swept away after Gaara. As I followed on behind, I could still hear everyone laughing in the kitchen. Ebizou was thumping on the table with his fists, chortling away, and I am sure I heard Sasori snort.
God, the boss. I could kill him, I really could. We've only been here five minutes and already he has made blithe, tactless remarks that could – if Gaara wasn't on his medication – have resulted in us being sent packing back to Otogakure in disgrace.
I really hope I don't have to spend the weekend playing damage control for the boss, because that way, madness and stress induced headaches lie.
LATER:
All is well for the moment. Everyone is out here on the beach, going about their business. Deidara has dragged Kabuto off to pose on a rock because, apparently, since their sordid night at the motel, he keeps having sexy dreams about him and wishes to re-create one particular dream in which he sketches him in charcoal and then pounces. Kabuto pretended to think about Deidara's proposal for a moment before he smiled and said, "where do you want me?"
Deprived of Deidara, Sasori has taken to building sandcastles. I say "building sandcastles" when what he is doing is really more akin to sculpture - constructing world famous and beautiful structures in intricate detail. Currently, he's working on a faithful reconstruction of the Hachimata shrine in Otogakure. It's rather impressive. Naruto offered to help him by bringing him wet sand, but Sasori yelled at him, saying he was "breaking his concentration", and threw a bucket at his head, so he has resorted to playing volleyball with Sakura, Temari and Kankurou.
Jiraiya and Kiku are in the sea, splashing each other in the water and generally acting like children. He keeps picking her up by the waist and spinning her around, making her shriek with delight. This has resulted in Kankurou being beaten about the head by Temari for not being able to concentrate on his game. He keeps turning round to stare at Kiku. This is probably because she is wearing (read: falling out of) a white bikini, and because beads of fresh, cool salt water are clinging to her spectacularly tanned skin and golden hair. I suppose he has seen the articles in the tabloids and thinks himself extraordinarily lucky that the "mystery blonde" has come into his midst, even though she's already obviously taken. Ebizou seems to be of a similar mindset, and keeps peering at her from over his book and saying things under his breath like, "Lucky dog."
Now that everyone is happy, and that no one has thrown any punches (as of yet), I can finally relax. The Suna coast is a very pretty, very tranquil place with palm trees galore, which is why, I suppose, it is such a popular holiday destination. I must say, though, it is stiflingly hot here – almost rounding the forty degrees Celsius mark yesterday – and having spent most of my waking existence underground for the past few months in wintry Otogakure, I am finding it a little difficult to get used to the weather. My superior Uchiha genes, however, have seen it fit to bestow upon me the gift of tanning without burning, and so I am writing this entry while reclining on a sun-lounger with the aid of factor fifteen sunscreen and a pair of Oakleys. Itachi, who shares fifty percent of my genetic makeup, is similarly fortunate, and thus, when he turns up, will be able to participate in volleyball matches without worrying too much about turning an unflattering shade of lobster.
The boss, alas, is not quite so blessed. His parents, you see, are not actually from Konoha. They're from Otogakure – the arse end of Otogakure, to be precise - where the temperature regularly dips below freezing in winter, and never rises about fifteen in summer. Hence the boss's predicament. He appears to have inherited his parents' chalk-white skin, and cannot be in the sun for any length of time without frying to a crisp. When he stepped out of the plane earlier on, and I'm telling you the truth, I could not look directly at him, such was the intensity of the pasty skin glare. Currently, he is sitting up on the sun-lounger next to mine, shaded by a large parasol and draped in a loose-fitting, black yukata (the nearest compromise he will make to informal dress, despite the weather). There are also two solar-powered fans blasting cool air in his general direction, fetched from inside by Temari because he had a minor strop about half an hour ago. This involved him throwing his book down in the sand, folding his arms petulantly, and moaning (at considerable length) about the general hotness of the Suna coast and how he could not concentrate on his reading.
When Chiyo snidely remarked that if the boss wanted somewhere cooler, he could always go lock himself in the big freezer, the boss turned round and snapped, "Fine then", before he flounced off to the house in a heat-induced huff. Ten minutes later, Gaara surfaced with his fishing gear, and we asked if he had seen the boss. He said no, and Chiyo and I both turned to one another with knowing and exasperated looks in our eyes. Our suspicions proved correct, as it turned out that the boss was, indeed, in the freezer (mainly to spite Chiyo) and it took us fifteen minutes to coax him out with soothing noises and promises of fans and ice-cold drinks.
Thankfully, he seems quite content now (as everyone here knows: the only way one can have peace and equilibrium when Orochimaru is around is to keep him happy and let him have his way – both mutually dependent conditions, I might add). This can only be a good thing, as I can now confidently leave him in Chiyo's capable hands without worrying he will cause further chaos, for Gaara has asked me if I would like to go fishing with him. He's setting up on the little jetty further down the beach, and I've to come join him when he has finished.
I suppose I should tell you a little bit about Gaara.
Now, personally, I don't know him that well, being able to count the times I've met him over the years on one hand. He's Naruto's friend, really, and has been ever since Naruto talked him down from jumping off the cliffs at The Valley of the End. I remember that moment particularly well because I was woken up at one in the morning by Naruto saying he was at the hospital and asking if I could come and pick him up. Naturally, I got the wrong end of the stick, thinking that something awful had happened to my best friend, so I drove like a madman up to the Konoha Infirmary, only to find that Naruto standing there, in perfect health, with Gaara. Immediately, Naruto announced that Gaara was going to stay over at our place, and so it came to pass that I spent the rest of the night lounging around on the battered old sofa, nursing a mug of coffee and listening to Gaara telling his life story. It was rather interesting, though not in a pleasant sort of way.
In that night, I learned that Gaara had experienced a somewhat troubled childhood. Kicked in the teeth by fate from the beginning, his mother died giving birth to him - something which, at the best of times, is never going to be good for boosting one's sense of self-esteem. However, she was a little bit pissed off at dying for the sake of her son, and hence the heinous bitch gave him his rather curious (and cruel) name. Not content with that, fate dealt Gaara another blow in the form of the fact that, despite having two older siblings, Gaara was the one who was to bear the brunt of his father's mercurial moods. Not to put a finer spin on things: he was abused. It was mainly psychological, though, and because his father was top brass at Suna Corp. before the merger, the social work department never really did anything about it. On top of that, when Gaara was still little, his uncle Yashamaru – the only person he really felt he could connect with – admitted he resented Gaara's very existence because his beloved sister gave her life for him.
Unsurprisingly, this lead to Gaara feeling that no one in the entire world cared for him. In consequence, he suffered from rather severe depression and anger issues, which eventually drove him round the bend to such an extent that it led him to carve the character for "love" onto his forehead with a compass one day at a board meeting. The board of directors suspended him for a while, granting him compassionate leave. Unfortunately, Gaara took this as another insult, which led to him travelling to Konoha and... well... seeking a way out, so to speak, and thus bringing our story full-circle.
Since the failed suicide attempt, he has been prescribed anti-depressants and has been having regular therapy sessions with Neji, the company shrink. Talking to Temari and Kankurou about his issues has helped too, I would hazard to say, and he still chats to Naruto once a week on the phone. He's really improved since the last time I saw him, and this is reflected in his taste in music. Before he tried to jump off the cliff in Konoha, he only ever listened to obscure black metal bands. Now, with care and attention from his family and widening circle of friends, his taste has gradually widened to accommodate power metal and nu-metal. He has even invested in an acoustic guitar, which, I have been told by Kankurou, he is getting really good at.
But I'd better get going. Gaara's just appeared round the corner and he's waving to me. Will write later!
LATER:
Hee! I caught a flounder on my first ever fishing trip! Granted, Gaara caught seven, including two red snappers and Naruto caught three, but they're experienced fishermen. Jiraiya has demanded we have a beach barbie tonight, with the fish as the main course. Everyone is up for that, so it looks like we'll be dining al fresco tonight. Hopefully, it'll cheer up the boss, because is sporting a freshly blooming black eye, courtesy of being spanked in the face by a stray volleyball. When I asked Kabuto what happened, he informed me that the boss went off on one, big-style (no surprise there), marched over to the guilty, shuffling participants and demanded to know who was responsible. Eventually, Kankurou confessed (mistake), and despite apologising, he was dragged ignominiously by the hair towards the open ocean, where the boss proceeded to exact retribution by holding his head under water and screaming obscenities at him. Thankfully, Ebizou and Chiyo intervened and no one drowned. The boss has let me look at the bruise, and it's not too bad. He'll just have to apply a little more make up than usual to cover it up.
The fishing trip itself was a little more involved than merely catching fish. As anyone who has even been on one of these excursions, you will know that there is a lot of time waiting in between. But a year ago, the prospect of sitting for hours in a boat with Gaara would have been an experience marked by long, excruciating silences. Not so now, for although he is still terribly introverted, he is no longer plagued by personal demons, and, as such, has become quite pleasant to talk to.
After about half an hour in Gaara's little boat listening to Naruto chattering on about "immensely, freaking AWESOME" his laser tag room was, there was a short pause in the conversation as Naruto eventually decided he would need to draw breath. Such a rare opportunities where Naruto is concerned are like gold dust, so I pounced upon it and changed the subject.
"Thank you so much for letting us tag along, Gaara," I said, feeling the boat bobbing gently upon the rippling surface of the Suna sea. "I know Naruto put you in a bit of a position when you phoned to invite him."
"It's quite alright, Sasuke," he replied earnestly. "I knew that I might have to make space for a few extra people, since he's been living with you for so long. And as Naruto considers you his best friend, I knew that if I invited him, I would have to invite you; and if I invited you, I would have to extend that invitation to Orochimaru-sama, and so on, and so forth.
"Speaking of, though," Gaara said suddenly, looking as though the proverbial light bulb had flickered on in his mind, "did you and Chiyo-baa manage to find him?"
"He was in the freezer," I said weakly. "But look, I'm really sorry about him. He can be a bit like that, sometimes."
"Yeah, a bit mental..." Naruto interjected with a snigger.
"I know," Gaara said thoughtfully, ignoring Naruto and giving his fishing rod an experimental tug to check if there was anything on the line. "I have heard a few stories about him. Mainly from Sasori, because he was partnered with him at Akatsuki, but a couple from Deidara, and from Chiyo-baa too."
Inwardly, I cringed and performed a mental facepalm. No tell-all tales from any of the mouths of those individuals would have cast the boss in a flattering light. I braced myself for the worst, and made my best attempt at smoothing things over.
"Well, he can be quite wilful at times, but when you get him in a good mood, he is very good company."
"I don't doubt that, Sasuke," Gaara replied, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "That is one of the things I have been told. The stories weren't all bad."
I grinned, more out of relief than any other emotion because I knew that it wouldn't become my weekend's occupation to justify the boss's mood swings to a host that never really wanted him there in the first place.
"In fact," Gaara added, "I've been wanting to meet him for quite a long time. To thank him."
"Eh?" Naruto said, his brow rumpled in puzzlement. "What for?"
For a moment, Gaara fell silent, appearing to contemplate the horizon as he sought for the words that would adequately express his feelings. Then he smiled that strange, little smile again and replied, "This may sound odd to both of you, but at a New Year party in Konoha many years ago, Orochimaru-sama had an altercation with my father at a bar and punched him so hard in the face that he had to have surgery to retrieve all the shards of broken bone. They were business rivals, back then – much as I am with him now – but anyone who could inspire such a jealous hatred in my father, and who would dare to treat him with such casual contempt, I admire - and I would like to thank him for it."
A prolonged silence fell, during which Naruto and I cast nervous glances at one another. Nothing needed to be said. Our eyes spoke volumes, and they said, "Okaaaaaaay..."
It seemed I was wrong about Gaara having completely turned it around, but at least he was using his intensity of feeling for something positive. The brief flash of the old Gaara brought out the nervous, tittering laughter in both of us, however, as we sought to reassure him, the thought of being the cause of a possible second suicide attempt lying heavily on our minds:
"That's cool, Gaara. I'm totally with you on that, seriously, dude..."
"No, no, of course it's not odd! Given your situation and your relationship with your father, I completely understand. Not odd in the slightest!"
Mercifully, Gaara appeared placated by our lies, and the distraction caused by Naruto's first catch of the day prevented us from venturing further down the road to conversational hell. As Gaara and Naruto worked together to reel in a recalcitrant red snapper (with a lot more grunting than I felt was strictly necessary), I wondered how the boss would react to Gaara's admiration of him. Knowing the boss, he would probably go through the stages of surprise, then amusement, before rounding it all off by patting Gaara on the head in a patronising manner and walking off to find a glass of champagne. Moreover, I wonder that Gaara is still willing to give the boss the benefit of the doubt at all, with that 'masturbator' crack back at the house.
Oh well. At least no one is feuding. That in itself is a blessing – one I should be thankful for. And I had better be going. The boss is looming over me and pointing at his eye. I think he wants me to judge how well he has managed to cover up the black swelling. Honestly, I don't know what he's moaning about. He's wearing purple, for goodness' sake! It's the same colour as the bruise!
Hello there. Me again. Hope you guys had a good Christmas/Hannukah/Eid and at least a passable new year (if you follow the Gregorian calendar, of course - the rest of you still have it to look forward to).
Hope you weren't waiting too long for this chapter and that you like the change of scene. They were all getting far too comfortable in Otogakure, so loading them on a plane and packing them off to Suna to meet some new people seemed like a great idea.
Some drama coming up in the next installment, though, and there's a teeny clue as to what might happen a couple of chapters back. One hundred points to the Hogwarts house of your choice if you can guess.
Now on with the thank-yous!
Nozomi-sama (Hi again! I agree with you on the Christmas thing. It gets less and less exciting as you get older and you have to worry about buying presents and organising things. Glad you hate Madara, though. It was exactly what I was going for. I think Sasuke might have wanted to throw his soda over him too. XD) Niver (Oh yes... more Kimi. And the moment of truth is closer than Sasuke thinks. XD Oh god, Jiraiya, though. I am so sad that Kishi made him into a plot device. I'm just holding out hope for him living on in Naruto.) NaruGuru (Hee, so glad you were stoked to find the last update. Hope you guys both like this one. If you named your first cat Mallory, that would be the most squee-worthy thing ever. :-) I'm loving that people hate Madara - that is exactly what I was going for with him, a sort of charming dilettante with a ruthless streak (and your angry letter faces comment made me lol hard XD). chibibaka (Oh god, I kept laughing as I was writing that bit with the nuzzling Oro - and when Sarutobi was interrogating Sasuke. It is pretty hard to keep everyone in basic character, because I'm always so tempted to turn them into little mini-Sasukes (disregarding canon-wise). It's getting pretty hard to incorporate the new characters, because one big twist could pretty much ruin my storyline. I just hope Kishi doesn't reveal to us that Itachi is blind or anything, otherwise he'll have to have an accident, or something, lol.) Dragon77 (Hello thar:-) Glad you liked the last update. I'll try my best to update quickly, but I'm a bit irregular on that front. Hope you liked this chapter!)
fiore777 (I swear it was you who gave me the idea of getting Sasuke a kitten. Maybe you said something over on Narutoforums? Ah well, it was you who inspired that anyway - and you got me off the hook with it, because I was racking my brains for ages trying to think of what Oro would get Sasuke. Oh, the hairy angel thing. I sniggered when I wrote that. I can't believe I still laugh like a loon while I'm writing this. Must make a mental note to get a life some time. XD Glad you like my portrayal of Madara. It took me ages to decide how to write him, too. I hope canon doesn't go and contradict me.) ChibiKeimei (Don't worry about not reviewing chapter twenty-five. People come and go and sometimes are too busy to review. That's cool. You got round to the last one. :-) I'm relieved that people liked Oro's reaction to Snakey, because I had built it up so much that I was worried it would fall flat. Glad you liked my not-so-subtle shoving in of Madara (I was a bit worried about that too) and the questioning. You're right, it could have been so much worse for Sasuke, but Sarutobi is a lovely man and he wouldn't do that to the poor, little Uchiha chick.) Zinjah (Happy New Year to you, sirrah! I'm quite touched that you are concerned for the welfare of Mallory. Orochimaru didn't keep him in the box the whole time, but he went to pick him up and squirreled him away into a room that wasn't used to keep Sasuke from knowing. The whole first hokage fitting in thing, well, do you mean canon-wise or in this story? If it's the latter, I haven't quite worked it out in my head yet. Mainly because the idea of Madara still living in canon is so far-fetched that it makes it difficult for me. I think I'll have to juggle the ages of the characters about a bit. Oh, and that last comment of yours had me rolling on the floor. That is so quotable. XD)
ArilianaFireQueen (Hi again! Oh, how I wish I still had your enthusiasm for Christmas. I woke up at about 1:30pm and wandered downstairs, opened presents, only to discover that all my relatives would be arriving at 3:00 and nothing had been started for Christmas dinner. It was a bit hectic. I think Itachi does need a hug. Not that he would ever admit it, though. XD) danniquinn (Bloody hell, that must be the longest bleed in nosebleed history! Just kidding. :-) Oh gods, the fun we could have imagining various Naruto characters singing various karaoke classics! My Humps would be perfect for Tsunade... :3 Glad you liked the chapter, though. It took me ages to decide where I wanted to go with it, so... yeah... relief, lol.) hieilover135 (You're not far off with your drama prediction. It'll be the next chapter where things will get complicated. As for games, yeah I like those sorts of games. DDR is a classic. My favourites are story-based games, though, (Legacy of Kain, Elder Scrolls, Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts) and horror games (Resident Evil, Silent Hill). I'm partial to Tekken (have loved it ever since the first one came out) and the odd sports game (not football!) But yeah, glad you liked the last chapter. Hope this one did it for you!) Patrick (Hello again! Yes, you are right. The story is only halfway done, so I'm going to have to get a move on and get round to the time-skip to the summer that I've been planning for ages. Oh, so many ideas and so little time! I'm so glad you liked Madara's cameo, though. I was really worried about that, as I knew I had to put him in somewhere - I just didn't know where, when and what sort of character he would have (I mean, what do we have to go on in canon? A couple of panels?) And thank you for your kind, refined taste in awesome compliment! I do so love Laser Tag (they closed the one nearest to me a few years back and I was gutted - despite the fact that it was a bit of a dump and the floors were so sticky you had to tie your shoes on extra tight lest you lost them). I envy Naruto's room. XD I have the Hyuugas pretty much worked out. Neji has changed occupation since I started the fic from head of IT (now Shino's job) to the company psychiatrist. He will definitely make an appearance after the timeskip. :-))
missyserena214 (Hee, thankye. I was a bit worried about it, but I guess I shouldn't have been. Cheers for the review!) SasukexXxSakura (I'm so glad everyone's taken to Mallory. There seems to be a few bad cases of feline-related envy going about. Thanks for reviewing:-)) Cantare (Hi there! I must say I've never really seen the Office either. I'm not sure where you're from, but I cannot stand Ricky Gervais, the guy who plays David Brent in the version we get over here, smug, arrogant git that he is. So I haven't watched it. Maybe it is kind of like it, though, except a bit more melodramatic, lol. Glad you like my characterisations. I always try to keep them in basic (read: very basic) canon, so that nothing is too removed from the real Narutoverse. But, oh my god, your Shikamaru idea is just fantastic. It would make an excellent spin-off!) hi (To be honest, I'm not so keen on Madara or Pain myself and I'm having to restrain myself from ranting about them right at this minute, but for some reason, my brain keeps telling me I have to sort of follow canon. Since they've shown up, well, I guess I have to slot them in somewhere. Don't worry, though, they won't be showing up a whole lot.) OroGirl21 (Hee! I'm so glad you like the fic, and thanks very much for the compliments. Deidara is such fun to write, mainly because he truly has no fear. He just says what he thinks and is a total wild child. I love him to bits. He's such fun. The 'fill them with dead things' part, oh god, I still get the giggles thinking about it, and I wrote the damn thing! XD) skytten (First off, that's a really cool screen name. Is that the Norwegian/Swedish word for Sagittarius? It sounds vaguely familiar. Second, to answer your question about Oro, Sasuke and Itachi. You have pretty much nailed the reason why Sasuke doesn't realise Oro is in love with him, although there is also the fact that Sasuke always believes he is right, and he seems to have formed an impression of his boss (that Oro is vain, shallow, etc) and believes Oro will not allow himself to love him. As far as Sasuke and Itachi, it's a mixture of the two: you are right in that Itachi does care for Sasuke very much, but he, like Sasuke, always believes he is right and thinks that Sasuke should do what he wants him to do (Itachi's way being the One True Way, of course). In Itachi's view, being able to manipulate his little brother is a way of protecting him and keeping him on the One True Way, if you get what I mean.)