A Day in the Life
AN: Way back in chapter seventeen, I said there would be a time-skip. Only now have I managed to get round to it. Bloody plot taking me for a ride like that. I ask you...
July 18th
Why hello there — or, as it said in internet parlance: Y hello thar!!1 Yes, it has been rather a long time, and yes, I should not make excuses for my lamentable lack of recent updates, but I have tons of them, so why waste?
It may surprise you to know that I am still with the boss, that we are still given to pouncing on a regular basis, and that we still retain a great degree of affection for one another. Kabuto, in fact, has informed me that I have broken a record as far as relationships with the boss are concerned: six months without a break up – a stunning feat of endurance, indeed!
The boss is actually the main reason why I have not updated in so long. It took him a little while to recover from his idiocy-induced heatstroke, you see, and though you may not believe it, I ended up sleeping in that damned roller hammock for three weeks! My poor back muscles still twinge at the memory. Initially, he seemed ready to be transported back to Otogakure a few days after the incident, but his temperature spiked again (causing me to fret tremendously) and he had to be cooled (read: dunked into a cold bath) and placed under observation. During the three weeks I spent imprisoned in a Suna General hospital ward, I became somewhat efficient in the art of soothing all sorts of muscle cramps: leg cramp, foot cramp, back cramp, hand cramp and even arse cramp on one occasion (the last one might have been enjoyable to deal with had the boss not been moaning the face off me and beating his fists on the mattress at the time.) When we finally got back to Otogakure, the boss was still a bit wobbly, so Jiraiya and I had to team up and shoulder the boss's day-to-day workload – Jiraiya dealing with the external stuff (meetings with investors and that sort of thing) and myself dealing with the internal stuff (the drama, the shouting, the forcing of Suigetsu to actually do some work, dealing with Kabuto and his mad scientist-style diva strops in the labs and drinking a terrifying amount of coffee).
The upside to my week of hell as CEO by proxy? The boss was so impressed by my supreme awesomeness that he appointed me chief operating officer of the company and upped my salary by a respectably hefty amount. Yes. I really am that fantastic. It follows, therefore, that I am no longer shredding and taking appointments for the boss, but instead have been incredibly busy intimidating and organising people for the past few months. Though I now no longer share office space with the boss, I have my own beautiful, spacious office on the floor above with the most luxurious, leather spinny chair to compensate. And whoever said that nepotism was dead – well, they are completely and utterly wrong, as Kiku has got my old job. I am reliably informed by the boss that while she is excellent at entertaining clients, she cannot make a drinkable cup of tea to save herself.
While I marvel at my good fortune in the career stakes, my family life has taken a turn for the worst. The day after the boss succumbed to heat stroke, Itachi caught a plane back to River Country and was at work within the hour he landed. I received only a text to say Happy New Year (it was a generic sent-to-everyone-in-his-goddamn-address-book text) and a brief e-mail enquiring about the boss's health:
----
From: Uchiha Itachi "amaterasu sharingan at akatsuki dot org"
To: Uchiha Sasuke "practicallyperfectineveryway at otogakure-enterprises dot org"
Subject: Oro
Greetings Sasuke,
I am writing regards Orochimaru's health, as I have been pestered relentlessly by Kisame and Kakuzu's inane questioning on the matter. Please supply details and confirm whether or not his illness is terminal.
Regards,
Itachi.
----
Now at that point, I was still rather worried that the boss was going to keel over and die on me from multiple organ failure and, thus, was suffering from quite a bit of stress. That is why I picked up my phone and rang Itachi, with intent on giving him a piece of my mind. Imagine my surprise when I heard not my dear brother's voice answering the phone, but uncle Madara's. Imagine my further surprise when I requested, in a terse manner, that he put me on to Itachi. Then imagine my further surprise when my uncle Madara refused point-blank. This lead me to conclude that he was screening Itachi's calls and I began to shout down the line and call my uncle an assortment of colourful names, which caused him to laugh in an insufferably smug fashion and hang up on me without another word. Needless to say, I was a shade angry at this, and a sudden wave of ill-feeling against my family rose within me, compelling me to answer Itachi's e-mail thusly:
----
From: Uchiha Sasuke "practicallyperfectineveryway at otogakure-enterprises dot org"
To: Uchiha Itachi "amaterasu sharingan at akatsuki dot org"
Subject: RE: Oro
Dear Itachi (and uncle Madara because no doubt you'll be reading this),
Fuck you.
Kind regards,
Sasuke.
P.S. I am deleting your number from my phone book. There's no point in keeping it there because I have no use for it, since you clearly no longer have the testicles to answer your own phone. Oh, and a little piece of advice. Don't e-mail me, don't call me, don't come within five-hundred miles of me. I want you out of my life.
----
I haven't heard from him since.
I know I should be worried, but I'm still really, really angry with him. Besides, if there's anything I have learned from the boss during my time with him, it is that if you wish to hold the power, you should never be the one to apologise. In the past, I have always played the apologist – I mean, you know me, anything for a quiet life – but this time, I've just had it with my brother. I'm tired of him playing me like a fool. I'm tired of dancing around him. I'm just tired of dealing with him full stop. As far as I'm concerned, whatever uncle Madara wants with him, I don't care. He's welcome to him.
Apart from that customary Itachi-related stress, life for the past six months, it can be said, has been running along at a smooth, but fairly hectic, pace. This is about to come to a crashing halt tomorrow, however, as I have a fortnight's leave available to take and Naruto (unfortunately) has been made aware of this. For years now, he has been concocting a grand plan to buy a Winnebago in order to realise his dream of embarking upon The Ultimate Most Amazing Awesomest Ever Road Trip™ and because I misguidedly gave him an "I Owe You x1 Fun Day" voucher for Christmas, Naruto is using and abusing it by forcing me to go to this year's Tea in the Park Festival in Konoha. Surprisingly, he seems to have thought through his plan with a unexpected degree of cunning. The "festival experience" (as Naruto calls it) lasts for four days, but because I no longer live in Konoha, the option of attending for one day and going home to warm, sanitary conditions, alas, is no longer. Instead, circumstances dictate that I shall be there for the full four days and will be forced to spend those days crammed into a four-man tent with Sakura, Naruto and Kakashi. And everyone knows that a four-man tent really means two and a bit. Maybe. If you're lucky...
But a rather unsettling thought has just occurred to me. There are going to be far too many people tagging along on this road trip to comfortably fit into one Winnebago. For a start, there will be myself, Naruto, Sakura, Kakashi and some guy called Sai from Konoha-Suna they invited along. Jiraiya and Kiku are on board too, and Kabuto has also expressed and interest and is frantically hunting for a Tea in the Park ticket on Ebay. That adds up to eight people. I don't think I'll be able to take spending two weeks in a Winnebago in close proximity with eight other people. I am very jealous of my personal space - and since my promotion, I have become increasingly less inclined to take any crap from people.
To make matters worse though, the boss has decided to take some time off for himself, but instead of slumming it like the rest of us, has teamed up with Tsunade and has booked himself into a spa in Konoha for a week of massages, manicures, mud baths and fantastically cooked food.
Oh god...
I really want to go to the spa.
Really. On a deep and personal level.
I do not know what Naruto was thinking. I am nature's comfy man, for god's sake! I like slippers, kittens, warm fireplaces and duvets! What on earth was he thinking asking me to do this? He knows what I'm like! Alas, I cannot back out now, though. Everyone is expecting me to go. Excited round-robin e-mails have been circulating for weeks. The Konoha mob are flying out tomorrow morning and Naruto and Jiraiya ventured out only this morning to pick up our transport – the nature of which they have been keeping a secret for weeks the silly pair of tits that they are – so I don't think I'm going to get out of this. [Note to self: do not be so generous with your time in future, for it will come back to bite you in the arse, guaranteed.
I expressed my fears and apprehensions to the boss last night in bed, but he laughed at me, said it was my own fault, and rolled over and went to sleep. This caused me to promptly take up my pillow in my hands and smother him. I have no idea what to do with the body. I heard somewhere that the best method of transporting corpses is to cut the body into six manageable chunks. What I will do with the remains after that is yet undecided. Perhaps I could stash them away in a disused room somewhere in the south wing?
Not really. I'm just kidding. He was up and in office at eight-thirty sharp this morning and happily shouting himself hoarse at Suigetsu.
Anyway, I suppose the reason for updating this thing is because I'm taking my laptop along with me on the trip. Naruto seems to think it's a grand idea to have someone document our mad exploits and send e-mails and pictures. Personally, I feel it would be a more practical thing to have a means to book motel rooms in advance, but whatever.
LATER:
Oh. Holy. Hell.
Naruto has just pulled up at the front of the house in a double-decker bus and is honking the horn repeatedly with a huge grin on his face. What on earth—?
This does not bode well. If the boss sees this, he's going to end up on the floor in hysterics, and I'll end up having to punch him.
I'd better go see what's going on.
LATER:
Okay, reporting back, the bus situation is not as dire as I initially thought.
Instead of purchasing a Winnebago as per the original plan, Naruto decided to blow all of his hard-earned savings on a brand new, fully kitted out, luxury tour bus; the kind rock stars use while they're on tour as a place in which to snort lines of cocaine between venues. It's really rather flash. A much better choice than a nasty, cramped RV with an extra-large "black waste tank". Ugh.
While I was sitting with my laptop in the lounge not an hour ago, I heard Naruto thundering down the hallway and giggling to himself with excitement. As I tentatively poked my head out round the door, Naruto spotted me instantly and careered towards me.
"SASUKE SASUKE SASUKE!!" he howled, spit flying everywhere, as he grabbed me by the hand and dragged me outside and down the steps. "COMEANDSEETHEBUSIT'SFREAKINAWESOME!!"
And so I took the liberty of inspecting the vehicle that will be shortly taking us around the continent. Needless to say, I took an instant shining to it, and it has gone some way to allaying my fears about embarking upon this trip tomorrow morning. I shall supply the mod cons in a helpful list format:
Why our bus is better than an RV
1. It can sleep up to fourteen people; there are seven sets of large bunk beds, each with a reading light, air conditioning, a mains socket and a fold down personal flat screen television. Jiraiya and Kiku are sharing a bed, so that means the rest of us will have a bunk each with choice of top or bottom – therefore no personal space issues. Yay!
2. It has a kitchen with hot and cold running water, a microwave, a massive fridge freezer (which will no doubt be filled with booze) and tea and coffee making facilities.
3. It has two lounges! The one on the upper deck has a 42" plasma mounted onto the back wall, a surround sound system and a PS3. The one on the lower deck is sort of a collection of tables (like you get on normal sleeper coaches) but with the added bonus of four TVs and a Blu-Ray DVD player. The upholstery is of the finest material.
4. The bus itself has tinted windows (so we can people watch and not fear being spotted) and a large driver's compartment complete with its own private bunk. It also has masses of storage space in the back, so it can take everyone's cases plus the camping gear for Tea in the Park.
5. It. Has. INTERNET!!
6. At first I thought we would not have to book into any skanky motels, such was the majesty of our fine bus, but alas, there is only one bathroom on board (I foresee friction) and no shower. This does not seem to bother Naruto in the slightest, but I know for a fact that Sakura, Kiku, Kabuto and myself will kick up hell unless our hygiene needs are catered for. The lack of bathroom facilities is the only downfall in what is otherwise a perfectly perfect means of road trip transportation.
When I had finished wandering around the bus, pretending to cast a studied, critical eye over my surroundings while trying to hold back the huge cheesy grin threatening to erupt all over my face, Naruto hovered behind me and asked me, with an anxious look on his face, "So, what do you think, Sasuke?"
"Naruto," I said frankly, turning to him and clapping my hand on his shoulder, "it's fucking fantastic. I love it."
It was only then that I realised how much my approval meant to Naruto, as he let out a great whoop of joy that made my fillings twinge before pulling me into a crushing bear hug.
"Dude, I was seriously hoping you'd say that. I know what you're like for TVs and comfy beds and fabric and stuff, so I went for the best one the dudes were selling. I really wanted you to like it cos you're my best friend and I really wanted you to come more than anyone and you do like it and it's like everything's coming together dude and it's the best thing ever in the whole universe!"
My eyes were welling up at this point, and I cuffed him across the shoulder in an "aw shucks" sort of manner to avoid an inappropriately tearful display. "Naruto," I said, grinning from ear to ear, "seriously. Don't worry. I'm really looking forward to this trip now. It's going to be great. Beyond fantastic. Really. Now let's go get Kabuto. This bus is going to blow his mind..."
The bus did indeed seem to cause some sort of cranial explosion in Kabuto's mind, as he stepped off the bus having had his first viewing with a dreamy, far-away look on his face. I asked him if he was okay, and he replied, in a distant sort of way, "I'm going to get that ticket if it's the last thing I ever do." Then he wandered off to his room. Kiku knocked on his door earlier to ask for a print copy of The List so she could pack (I will tell you about The List in a moment), and it seems he has all his three networked desktops refreshing the Ebay auction page for the weekend with camping ticket on half second intervals. Apparently, he has arranged matters with the boss so that if he clinches the winning bid and the ticket comes through, he'll go to the spa and pick it up the day before the festival. For the sake of his sanity, I really hope he wins the auction.
So, since I'm sitting on the floor in the bedroom with my case wide open and pretending to pack, I'd better tell you about The List. Actually, there are two Lists going about, warring for dominance in the "festival experience" stakes. The first (and my personal favourite) belongs to Jiraiya. As he is significantly older than the rest of us and has frequented many a music festival in the past, it follows that he has had more experience dealing with the festival environment and therefore knows what one should bring along. He has evidently added to and refined his List over the years and it also sports rather amusing annotations and anecdotes, which is always a plus in my book. The second is the product of Naruto's addled mind (not the List I shall be following, alas) and though he has been to a fair few festivals... well... you really wouldn't think it looking at his List.
As per usual, Naruto is overly enthusiastic about his List, whining that he spent ages typing it up, and he is very keen on people following it. However... I suppose I should just copy and paste the two Lists for comparison. Then you'll see what I mean.
THE LIST
(by Jiraiya)
The Usual Essentials
- Tent (Obvious, but we can't be too careful now, can we?)
- Spare Tent Pegs (People at Festivals are thieving bastards. They will steal your tent pegs at night. Going raiding yourself for spare pegs is an option should you be the victim of such thievery, but coming prepared is always better.)
- Day-glo Guy Ropes (So that no one trips over them in the dark. Case in point: Tsunade did in '82 and sprained her ankle, though she was so rat-arsed for the whole weekend she didn't notice till the Monday morning.)
- Flag (Used for tent identification purposes. If you nip away to get a bite to eat on the first night and come back to find your tent lost in a sea of one hundred thousand similar looking dome-shaped tents, it pays to have a unique flag staked into the ground to help give you an idea of where the hell it is.)
- Bog Roll (This is a must. Bring one roll and a spare in case the first gets lost, stolen or wet.)
- An emergency change of clothes for each day – underwear and socks included (If you take a dive in the mud like Oro did in '89, you'll be glad of it.)
- Duct Tape (It is likely that some pisshead will fall into your tent trying to find his own in the dark at four in the morning on the first night. The tape will hold together a broken tent pole. It will also patch up any burn holes caused by careless use of spliffs. Not that I would know anything about that. Ahem.)
- Sleeping bag (Obvious again, but you'd be surprised. Oro, I am looking at you. And splash out and get a proper mountain one – none of your Scooby Doo kid novelty crap.)
- Lilo or fold away camp bed (Seriously, do not sleep on the groundsheet with just your sleeping bag. It gets cold and wet and the field you are going to be camping in will not be flat like the floor in your bedroom.)
- Torch (Essential for navigating the maze of Guy ropes in the dark on the way to the portaloos if your tent is not at the edge of a walkway.)
- Cell phone (Reception can be hit and miss at these gigs, but if you get separated in the crowd, they're life savers. Make sure you have plenty of credit before you go.)
- Waterproof mac (Obvious. And don't worry about looking like a tit, because everyone else will be wearing one too. Again, I'm looking at you, Oro.)
- Wellington boots (The levels of mud at festivals can be astounding to the uninitiated. If you are not possessed of appropriate footwear, it can lead to one's feet getting sucked into said mud and taking a dive like Oro did in '89.)
- Sunscreen (This is the other side of the coin. You don't want to end up like Oro did at New Year '08.)
- Disposable BBQ for each tent (Because there's always a MASSIVE queue for the breakfast van in the morning. Last year's waiting time in the queue: 45 mins. Last year's price for a roll and bacon, ¥700; rice, miso & pickles, ¥750; rice, miso & fish/tamagoyaki ¥850. You will be ripped off for food because you are a captive audience – nothing you can say or do will change this.)
- Matches/Lighter (One for each tent, just in case.)
- Pen knife (For opening bottles.)
- Plastic kiddy sledge (Because unless you're really lucky, you're going to have a longer walk than Hannibal to get to your campsite, and when you're lugging camping gear and crates of booze, it's not so good. This is where the sledge comes in handy, as you dump all your stuff on it and take turns dragging it along the grass behind you while laughing at all the folk who are struggling under their heavy beer burdens.)
- Money (There may be a cash point, but you will miss at least two bands you desperately wanted to see while waiting in the epic queue for it.)
- Bin liners (All purpose really; you can spread them out and sit on them, they keep things dry, you can shove all your empty bottles in them and get them out of your tent.)
- Alcohol (One of the two fundamentals – consult with those sharing your tent on what you're bringing.)
- Drugs (The second of the two fundamentals – again, consult with those sharing your tent on what you're bringing.)
Hygiene/Medical Stuff (all kept in a waterproof zip bag):
- Band-Aids (Bring a load of these as they heal both minor cuts and grazes and chafing from wellies and/or wet denim.)
- Anti-bacterial hand gel (You go to the Portaloo the morning after the first night. It is covered in runny Guinness shit. You use the toilet. There are no sinks nearby to rinse your hands. You forget and buy a burger from a stall. You see where I'm going with this?)
- Baby wipes (Because there are no showers around.)
- Immodium (Or the diarrhoea prevention pills of your choice. Do not take them to stop you shitting because you will not use the Portaloos or you will end up like Oro in '84. He was backed up for two weeks. Two weeks. Just think about that for a minute.)
- Toiletries (deodorant, a small towel and tampons and make up for the girls. Toothbrushes and toothpaste are often bulky and awkwardly shaped, so they are optional. If you chose not to bring them, I advise you replace them with space-saving TicTacs or gum. If you really need to wash your greasy hair, you can get cans of dry shampoo.)
- Paracetamol/Painkillers (For hangovers mainly, though something stronger would be good for drunken sprains and falls – Kabuto, I am looking at you here for supplies for '08.)
- Any medication you need (Again, this is obvious. I advise you remind yourself to take it by writing it on your hand, so that when you wake up the morning after you won't forget and have a seizure or something.)
- Condoms (You never know your luck. I know mine's in this year. For the rest of you guys, they make good water bombs.)
General Rules
- Avoid alcohol that you haven't opened or mixed yourself. Especially if someone boasts that they brewed it in their basement with their compatriots. This is known as Scrumpy and it will fuck you up as much as drinking meths or anti-freeze. Stay away.
- Arrange a meeting place which everyone knows in case reception is bad and people get lost.
- Do not be fooled by the Herbal Highs stall.
- Buy a comedy festival hat from the Oxfam stall and wear it with pride.
THE END OF 'THE LIST': LAST UPDATED 2008.
And here, for comparison, is Naruto's:
NARUTO'S TRUE FESTIVAL EXPERIENCE LIST!!
1. Tunes
2. Ghetto Blaster
3. Cow Print Combat Pants
4. Set of Fire Poi
5. Paraffin
6. Juggling balls
7. Face paints
8. Cider
9. Beer
10. Superman t-shirt
11. Big Foam Hand
12. Air Horn
13. Big Flag
14. Green wellies
15. Blue strobing shades
16. Cow Print Mac
17. Sombrero
18. Underpants
Now, you can clearly see from the two Lists that Naruto has grasped the basic concept of the Festival: acting like an arse in a field for four days. However, I would very much like my first festival experience to be as painless as possible. I would also like to survive it, and my gut feeling is that Jiraiya's List is considerably more practical. I have promised Naruto, though, that I will pack some face paints (I am taking the fancy metallic colours) so he should be placated by that at least. I dread to think what he is going to do with the air horn...
Right. I'd better start packing. I promised the boss I would give him a goodbye shag before we leave tomorrow morning, and once we get started it'll be an all night affair, no doubt.
Will write tomorrow on the bus!
July 19th
ROAD TRIP – DAY ONE
At this precise moment, I am sitting at one of the tables in the lower lounge, my laptop plugged into the mains as I ponder on what to write while the bus speeds past yet another strangely picturesque paddy field. Everyone else is upstairs in the top deck lounge, either watching a DVD or chilling in their bunk. Kakashi's name was first out of Naruto's beanie hat for driver duty, so he is up front with Kabuto, and they are playing a hip-hop song at what feels like full volume (the glass in the window next to me is vibrating). I am not sure what it's called, but I think I might be able to hazard a guess as to the title, for they keep hollering "WOOP WOOP, DAT'S DA SOUND OF DE POLICE!" and laughing hysterically. Perhaps later I shall find out what is so funny about that particular song.
This morning, after the Konoha lot showed up at the compound and had a bit of breakfast (early – they turned up at seven-thirty), we sat around the table and came up with a loose itinerary. When I say itinerary, all we really did was write down a bunch of stuff we wanted to do so that we knew roughly in which order we were going to do the various countries. In the middle of trying to decide whether to visit Iwagakure or not, to my surprise, the boss rose early and came downstairs in one of his big, cosy towel bathrobes, shoving Sakura out the way and sitting in the chair next to mine. He was obviously still only half awake, because when he wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his head in my shoulder, he smelled of sleep. The fact that he couldn't stop yawning was also a bit of a giveaway.
"Sasuke-kun," he murmured, "I am having doubts about you leaving on this road trip of yours. You were on fine form last night, and I would very much like a repeat experience."
"Well, you must realise the only reason I was in such fine form was because I knew I would be going in the morning," I replied.
The boss pouted (his pouts are a wonderful sight to behold) and then sighed. "I suppose there is no way to convince you to stay," he said with a wry smile. "Besides, Naruto-kun would never forgive if I did— Hello. Who is this charming young man, Sasuke-kun?"
The reason for the boss's conversational diversion was that Sai had chosen that precise moment to return from the bathroom.
Now my first impressions of Sai were somewhat mixed. On a physical level, I suppose I could concede that he is rather good-looking, though in an emaciated, "pale and interesting" sort of way - not unlike the look to which top female supermodels aspire. Unfortunately, being male, this ups the weirdness factor and brings down his hotness percentage – a figure further damaged by his decidedly eccentric dress sense. Sai sports a look that I can only describe as "Cut-Offs Gone Mad". His black, mandarin collared, long-sleeved shirt appears to have been customised in a process that involved hacking off one of the arms and the bottom half of the shirt itself, resulting in a mutant hybrid creation that looks like a slutty top Kiku would wear if it were pink. His black skinny jeans are also cut offs, and he is wearing a pair of fishnet gloves and black Converse hi-tops which seem to have had the tips cut off to expose his toes – manicured, of course, with black nail polish. At first glance, he looks like someone who would go to the same clubs Gaara goes to, but for his manner. He is unfailingly, unsettlingly... nice... and seems impervious to animosity of any kind.
"Oh, hi there," Sai said, smiling slightly and bowing his head. "You must be Orochimaru-sama."
"Hmm...? Oh yes, yes..." the boss said, somewhat distracted as his filthy eyes roved up and down Sai's nubile young form. "And you are?"
"My name is Sai," Sai chirped. "I'm Danzou-sama's PA."
"You are, are you?" the boss purred, leaning forward and putting his elbows on the table, while my scowl grew darker and darker. "He tends to be rather fussy where PAs are concerned. How long have you been in the job?"
"Oh, I should say just over ten months now," Sai replied, smiling in that irritatingly nice way of his.
"Really?" the boss said, feigning astonishment. "From what I remember, Danzou goes through your sort like a hot knife through butter. You must be very good at your job..."
At this point, I felt it prudent to interrupt the boss's outrageously flirtatious attempt at a recruitment drive, signalling my profound displeasure with an impatient cough.
"Ah yes," the boss said, suddenly remembering my existence. Just as well, or I would have been forced to beat him about the head with the empty toast rack. "Have you been introduced to my Sasuke-kun yet, Sai?"
"Yes, we have exchanged civilities, Orochimaru-sama," Sai replied, again smiling. "Naruto introduced us earlier on. I think we shall get along famously."
Now, I don't know about that. As of yet, he has done nothing to warrant pissing me off, but for some reason, I cannot warm to him. I don't know why. And before you even think it – it's got nothing to do with the boss flirting with him earlier. The boss is like that. He can turn it on and off if he feels it's going to benefit him in some way and he does it with his employees all the time.
Maybe it's to do with Sai's being so damned agreeable all the time. I mean, I haven't seen him frown or roll his eyes or sigh yet. Take this morning, for instance. When everyone else was dog tired and grunted their grumpy hellos before snatching a slice of toast, Sai was perfectly awake and cheerful and helping himself to orange juice (annoying in any circumstance, I think). When Jiraiya and Kabuto were arguing over whether to miss out Iwagakure on our itinerary, Sai cut in and was so perfectly, sickeningly reasonable in his case for visiting the place that he had Jiraiya and Kabuto nodding their heads and saying, "Hmm, well, you've got a point there. I suppose we should go. The architecture in the village itself is quite stunning." And earlier on, when we had just pulled out of the compound and were choosing our bunks, in a fit of evilness, I decided to test Sai's seemingly infinite reserves of niceness by contesting his choice of bunk.
"Err... excuse me, but I had my eye on that one," I said, with carefully crafted hauteur, as my hand reached out to stop Sai putting his night bag down on the bed.
"Oh, okay then," he said, smiling genially, as he turned round and dumped his belongings on the next bed down. "I'm not really bothered where I sleep. Feel free to take it."
You must understand that I did not really give a flying rat's arse about the bed. In all honesty, I couldn't have cared less. All I wanted was to see how Sai would react to a bit of Orochimaru-sama style overbearing behaviour. That he did not react at all irritated me to such an extent that I felt the need to write about it here in my journal. What the hell is wrong with him? Seriously. Does Danzou specifically hire guys like Sai so he can order them about and be absolutely sure he won't be gainsaid?
I bet he does. I am also willing to bet his advertisements in the hiring section of the Konoha Times read something like this:
WANTED:
Young male or female, under 25, with no sense of self wanted to fill the position of PA to Danzou-san, bullying tyrant, at Konoha-Suna corporation, Root division. Only university graduates with a 2:1 or above should even think about applying, as the applications of non graduates will be shredded without my even having so much as glanced at them. No office experience is absolutely essential, as I wish to personally whip my PA into the shape I desire.
And I think Danzou has done a pretty good job on his latest acquisition. It seems that Danzou feels the same way, as Sai has managed to hang onto his position for ten months. I don't know whether to feel sorry for him or not. I mean, if it was me, I would have been out the door in a flash if someone had even attempted to try to stamp out my personality. Look at the boss and I, for god's sake. We're always at each others' throats! It's only healthy!
Speaking of the boss, he was being really rather sweet when we were leaving this morning. It makes me feel a bit tingly just thinking about it. He came out in his nightclothes and slippers to wave us off and stopped me just as I was about to step foot on the bus.
"I want you to call me every night, Sasuke-kun," he said in an uncharacteristically grave manner, "and I want a text at least twice a day, with photos if there are any suitable opportunities."
I felt a sudden twinge of sadness then, and my hand reached out and brushed against his shoulder. "Don't worry," I said, putting on what I hoped was a reassuring smile for his benefit. "I'll call you all the time, and if you really want to see my big, silly face then I can always get on the net."
"Do you promise?" the boss said, looking at me intently.
"Yes, I promise," I said, laughing.
Then the boss grabbed me subjected me to a lingering and passionate farewell kiss – a kiss which ended up lingering for such a length of time that Kakashi started tooting the horn impatiently.
"Break it up, guys," he called out, his finger hovering over the 'close door' button. "We've got to get to the Hachimata shrine before it shuts to the public."
And so it was that the boss unlocked his lips from mine, stood back and blew me a kiss as the doors slid shut. I wanted to sprint down the bus and find a window to wave madly at, but unfortunately they are tinted, so my actions would not have yielded the desired effect.
I think I miss him already.
That is unbearably pathetic.
To make matters worse, I have just received a text from him:
"I miss you. Oro x"
Oh dear. I think I feel a sulk coming on...
LATER:
ALREADY!! ALREADY EVERYTHING HAS WENT TITS UP!!
I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS. I CANNOT BELIEVE WE ARE IN A HIGH-SPEED CHASE BEING PURSUED BY SIX SODDING MONKS IN A BLUE TRANSIT VAN.
No. Wait. I can.
I swear to Krishna... if we get out of this alive, then I'm going to bend Naruto over my knees and spank him so damn hard he'll be needing a prolonged and expensive course of therapy with Neji to get over it!!
Oh shit... Ohshitohshitohshit... they're gaining. Will have to cut this short – Kakashi just cut across two lanes of traffic and my laptop nearly slid off the table. Hopefully, I'll be in a fit state to type later.
LATER:
Okay, I'd better bring you up to speed. A few hours ago, we decided it would be best to drive through the night and get over the Rice Country border. We appear to have lost the monks, but, like Sakura said, you never can be too careful, so we have devised a rota and everyone who can drive will do a three-hour shift before handing over to the next person. It is almost midnight and my shift begins at three, but I can't sleep, so I suppose I should tell you what has necessitated in our skulking away from the country in the night like felons dodging parole.
It all started when we reached the Hachimata shrine at around 3:00 in the afternoon. An ancient, stunningly beautiful and deeply spiritual place, the Hachimata shrine is the oldest religious building on the continent. It is also one of the most esoteric, dedicated as it is to the worship of Hachimata, the eight-tailed demon serpent. The monks who care for the Temple are notorious in their absolute devotion to the serpent, which explains their hermit-like behaviour, their inability to socialise with others, their foul tempers and their strange practicality when it comes to making a ton of money by turning their monastery into a tourist attraction. They are also eternal enemies of the monks of the order of Kyuubi no Yoko because of the traditional enmity of the two spiritual entities, and are bound by the rule of their order to kill on sight any 'foxes' they might meet on their travels. I feel I must also take great pains to stress that from the beginning of his novitiate, each monk is trained in Shaolin Kung-Fu.
The architecture at the shrine is jaw-droppingly gorgeous, almost surreal in places, and we were fortunate enough to have been able to have a look around and take some photos before Naruto decided to open a big can of stupid and waste everything. The main attraction, however, and what everyone comes to see, is undoubtedly the stunningly theologically complex Chaos Garden. Nestled in the centre of the Courtyard of Silence, the Chaos Garden (really just a Zen garden with a more demonic sounding name) was designed by the founder of the order, the Great and Venerable Teacher, Lu Tze, in 789 and has been lovingly preserved down to the smallest detail by the Hachimata monks ever since.
I know all this because I purchased a guide book and walked around the courtyard with Sakura, Kabuto and Kakashi, pretending to be cultured and attempting to identify exactly which rock among the elegant swirls of white gravel was supposed to represent the Enclosing Island of Order. Kakashi thought it was the tall, jaggy one near the left entrance, but I'd swear blind it was the small, squat one that was just peeking out from the stones. I'm going to go online to look it up in a minute. I'm sure I'm right, and if I am, I'll be banging on the driver's compartment door and thrusting my Mighty Rightness in Kakashi's face – with a few pelvic thrusts thrown in for good measure.
But I'm straying from my point (even though being right is incredibly important). As my group were being civilised and drinking in the history and culture, the others were through in the little antechamber on the other side of the garden, reading the board the monks had put up on the wall which told the gruesome story of how their order came to be.
This is when the shit hit the fan. Big style.
Something had excited Naruto, you see. If my memory serves me correctly, I believe it was something to do with a warrior monk of the order named Sasuke (oh what a hilarious coincidence) who, in 1272, decapitated twenty novices from the Temple of Fire in Konoha because one of them 'looked at him funny from across the river'. Now, this little tale tickled Naruto pink, and he though it would be a brilliant idea to rush out of the room and tell me straightaway, because, of course, I could not have lived without knowing about my angry, Hachimatan namesake.
Picture the scene: the Courtyard of Silence – calm, serene, a place of veneration filled with the smell of sandalwood and yak butter. Monks chanted an arcane rite as they moved in solemn procession along the platform upon which the spectators stood. Tourists and pilgrims contemplated the Garden of Chaos, seeking enlightenment from the Great Serpent, and, perhaps, wondering what the hell all the rocks and swirls were about.
Imagine then, if you will, the sound of a wild, eager cry shattering the respectful silence, the hollow sound of footsteps thumping across varnished boards, the sound of orange combats made of anti-rip parachute material flapping in the wind. Imagine the look of pure and unadulterated dread on my face when my eyes beheld the vision of Naruto coming gambolling towards me, singing, "SASUKE, SASUKE! YOU'VE GOTTA COME SEE THIS". Imagine how I felt when I realised that he was not going to stop at the edge of the platform, but that he intended to take a shortcut across the big, wide space in the middle with all the gravel and no people to get in the way.
I swear to god, everything seemed to pass in slow motion. The colour drained from my face. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kabuto turning, raising his hands to his mouth. I heard Sakura make a sad, little moaning noise. Across the way, I saw Jiraiya emerge from the antechamber – standing head and shoulders above everyone else – and observed the shift in his facial expression from amusement to terror. I saw him begin to push his way through the crowd, in attempt to reach Naruto and pull him back. At the same time, I heard myself shouting, "NARUTO, NOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
But it was too late. Already, he had leapt from the perfectly polished parapet. His feet plunged into the gravel with a sickening crunch. Everyone gasped. One woman shrieked in horror. The monks' procession shuddered to a halt. Silence fell – and Naruto carried on running, blissfully unaware that every step he took was a equivalent to planting a great, steaming turd upon the doorstep of the order of Hachimata. As he ran, he kicked up masses of gravel in his wake. Bits of the stuff could be heard clattering on the boards of the platform. In his wake lay absolute destruction.
After what felt like an age, he reached our side and, panting, he hopped up onto the walkway and grinned at me.
"Hey, Sasuke," he whispered. "You've gotta come see this. There's a guy called Sasuke who cut off, like, twenty people's heads. It's freakin' awesome. Hey—? What's wrong with these guys?"
When Naruto said "these guys" he was referring to a group of six lean, well-muscled, shaven-headed and solemnly professed monks, who had approached our party and stood a few feet away. Their faces were like thunder: dark, ominous and promising an imminent (and terminal) shock of retribution.
"You, blonde foreigner from Konoha!" the puce-faced monk at the head of the group yelled, thrusting an accusing finger in Naruto's face. "You have defiled the sacred sanctuary of Hachimata! No one has dared cross the Garden of Chaos since The Great and Venerable Teacher last set foot upon it!"
"Eh?" Naruto said, utterly bewildered, looking at the monk as though he were mad.
"Servant of Kyuubi no Yoko!" another monk hissed, in a tone that suggested it was the most vile of insults.
"Foreign devil!" the first monk shouted.
"Base fox-child!" a third piped up, shaking a fist threateningly.
It was then I knew we were in trouble, because I spotted Jiraiya, Kiku and Sai sneaking round behind the stunned onlookers. Jiraiya caught my eye and gestured frantically, pointing towards the exit. I nodded and braced myself for a sprint.
The monks began to gather en-masse, like black, baleful storm clouds. I think Naruto began to realise that he had done something Wrong, and he began to laugh sheepishly. Raising his hands in the air in a conciliatory gesture, he said, "Hey, come on, guys. It was just a mistake, yeah? You can fix it, right?"
"Naruto," I said warily, putting my hand on his shoulder and guiding him in the direction of the exit, "I don't think they can. I feel it's best that we leave..."
"YOU CANNOT LEAVE!" the first monk bellowed, gesticulating wildly. "THE FOREIGN DEMON MUST BE PUNISHED!"
"Yes," another monk called out, "let us punish him."
They began to saunter towards us with purpose – all but smacking their fists into the palms of their hands. The situation was now rendered perfectly unambiguous: they intended to give us a severe Shaolin beatdown.
So it was that Kakashi – ever the practical one - shouted, "RUN!!" and I snatched Naruto's hand and the eight of us ran for our lives out through the building and across the car park towards the bus. To make matters worse, we had left our shoes at the entrance to the shrine, so to add to our horrendous list of crimes, we had stolen nine pairs of silk slippers between us. All I have with me to wear on my feet now are the slippers and the pair of Wellingtons I packed for Tea in the Park. I shall endure, and mourn the loss of my Vans in silence.
But our tale of woe did not end there. As soon as we all piled into the bus, Kabuto started the engine and we were ready to get the hell out of there. Unfortunately for us, however, the Hachimata monks were not intent on giving up that easily. To our horror, we saw them legging it over to a small, blue and surprisingly speedy Transit van.
Thus began our two-hour long car chase through Otogakure.
Sai has assured us that he lost them when we took that last-minute exit out of the Ryuuzu tunnel (the one that caused Kiku to roll out of her bunk, the turn was that bloody sharp), but I'm erring on the side of caution. I mean seriously. How could anyone 'lose' an electric blue double-decker tour bus with the words NIGHTSKY TRAVEL emblazoned on the side like a silver beacon?
Jeez...
Well, I'm going to cut and paste this and send it to the boss. He'll love it. I can imagine his mad, cackling laughter already. And if worse comes to worst, at least he will be able to provide with police with possible suspects and a motive when they find our bodies lying decomposing in a ditch somewhere.
I wonder if it's too late to turn back and go to the spa?
The manga: Kishi? Seriously, man. What are you doing to Orochimaru? I know you have marked him out as the 'Comeback King' of the manga, but I'm kind of starting to want a little bit of closure like you gave us with Jiraiya. I swear it's like you love Oro yourself as a character, Kish, and would love nothing more than to have him shooting his mouth off and raising all kinds of hell, but have been bitch-slapped by your editor and the Japanese fans (who have no taste and big hard-ons for avengers) into getting rid of him. Or, more accurately, into a pretty crummy compromise in which Sasuke does not have to suffer the consequences of his actions because - hey presto! - big brother happens to come to the rescue with a magical sword and a sake bottle.
Trapped in a bottle. That all about guarantees his eventual return. Again.
But on a lighter note... Time for the customary thank-yous:-)
Nozomi-sama (Oh, the eye-plucking hilarity. I think I'm starting to like the Uchiha brothers a whole lot more (writing this thing has sort of helped that along too XD). Sasuke does, indeed, have a very devious mind, though Oro is beginning to have an influence on him in that regard. Keep an eye out for lol character developmentz!!)
NaruGuru (Oh my lawdy! XD I do so love your reviews, though I feel quite bad for creating such suspense that I made you chow down on your poor thumb. If you're going to do that, choose a less valuable digit - like your ring finger, for instance. :-) But, oh my! Sasuke and Kimi having to sit in a room and talk it all through? I think you might get your wish at some point in the future... ;-))
Niver (Hello again! You and NaruGuru are fantastic, btw, I must say. Yes, Oro did get what was coming to him, the vain prat that he is, though it's unlikely he will learn a lesson from it. And major lulz at your vomit comment - especially now that Kishi has officially crowned Oro Vomit King of the manga. XD Never underestimate the power of vomit as a means to move on the plot. Oh, and I read that fic you mentioned. I love a good dose of creepiness. T'was excellent!)
danni quinn (Yeah, the three little words are pretty damn important. When the issue finally rears its ugly head, be assured your name will be at the top of the chapter. Congrats on your midterm results. Apart from the bio (who needs sciences, anyway?) those sound like pretty good scores. :-) And lol, I shall consider your challenge. It might end up as a side story. I don't guarantee when I'll get round to it, though. Took me ages to get the Sasori fic out.)
ArilianaFireQueen (Lol, word of mouth is spreading about A Day in the Life. This makes me happy:-) Bri is your friend? Woot! Yes, Itachi is a bit of a raging psychopath, I guess. Always knew it, though. I mean, as if the clan murdering wasn't enough of a giveaway, lol. Yes, Oro is a bit of an idiot. So damned vain that he would wear the kimono despite the blatantly obvious.)
Zinjah (I'm thinking he broke the fourth wall. I don't think he was quite at the point of addressing the little men in his computer (though he was probably not far off). But Kimi getting sick? You. Are. A. Genius!! I've been looking for a way to propel Kimi back into the picture for ages and... well. I'm saying nothing more because it'll just be a big fat spoiler. You can probably guess, though. In which case, it's a big fat spoiler anyway. Ah well. XD)
OroGirl21 (Hello there! Thanks so much for the nice review. Glad you liked the last chapter, too, and that you still thought it was funny while, as you rightly pointed out, being a bit sad too. I was kind of worried that there weren't enough laughs to balance out the gloomy stuff, but I guess I shouldn't have fretted too much. And I am with you on the Oro/Sasu. There should be moar moar moar of it out there! Preferably well-written, but I'll take what I can get, lol.)
chibibaka1 (Cheers very much for the review, and thanks for the positive comments on the emotional side of things. I had a slight fear I was overdoing it, in that they were there at the expense of the laughs, but I guess things can't be hilariously rosy all the time. Oh Itachi, you poor blind thing, you. Any sane, normal person would just accept it and start learning braille and choosing a guide dog. Not Itachi. And the manga. Too many cliffhangers as of late. I'm thinking about leaving it for a month and getting the story in a bigger chunk. Maybe it won't annoy me so much then.)
Bri (Hello again! I didn't realise you knew ArilianaFireQueen. That kicks ass:-) Glad you're liking the fic. And major lulz at your fight chanting. If I was there, I would have been too. Possibly also throwing popcorn and acting like a damn fool. XD)
borisbear (Yay! You came back for the next chapter! I'm loving that you're loving the crack. This fic really is just a big excuse to make myself laugh. And to provide other Naruto fans with moreish crack pairings and ridiculous AU plots. I feel like a dealer. Maybe I should purchase a 4x4 with tinted windows and complete my transformation? And yes, there is more to come. I have no idea now when this story will end, though I know exactly how it will. I've written it down already.)
Zen. with. Conflicts (Huzzah! A new reviewer, though, I assume, not a new reader? Good for you, speaking up like that. Reader lurkers should not be afraid to come out and say hi. It's always the strangest things that bring you lot out, though. This time it was character actors, and last time it was my mentioning Streetlight Manifesto. Though admittedly they are two of the best. Great actors, oh yes... Your screen name is also strangely appropriate to this chapter. Coincidence?)
natwel (Hi again! Nice to see you floating around the review boards. Lol, I didn't set out to make Itachi more interesting than in canon, but I suppose with Kishi's style of character development, it wouldn't be hard. XD That sucks to hear about your encounters with arsehole men (or boys, as it seems more likely, hmph). Next time a guy does that to you, go up to the nearest person, smile and whisper in their ear 'Yeah, he's only being like that because I know he's got a small dick.' Should work like a charm - and get a laugh into the bargain.)
fiore777 (Fiore! How goes life with you? Oh I'm so glad you picked up the little bit about Oro having to carry a whole tray up to Sasuke. You always seem to get the little things. I fear your powers of observation. XD Also what do you think about the latest developments regarding Orochimaru? I'm starting to think Kishi smoked a whole lot of crack while planning out Naruto. Oh yes, the Sasori fic is finally ready should you wish to wander into the mouth of madness. :-P)
NayanRoo (Apologies if my fic distracted you from your homework. I know how dangerous fic can be - having dodged all of the coursework I should be doing in favour of writing OroSasu crackfic. XD But... you study zoology? That is beyond awesome. What is your subject specific -ology? I have developed a strange fascination with snakes recently because I've had to do research for an original project. And also, if this fic has refreshed your interest in OroSasu, does that mean you will be writing more fic? I have my fingers crossed.)
hieilover135 (Nope. They don't have jutsus in my story. And don't worry - I'm not planning on having Itachi indulge in any rampant, eye-plucking lunacy. Haven't decided on whether I'm going to deal with that or not.)
BMIk (Hello thar! Always nice to hear from newcomers to my epic work of crack madness. XD Thank you so much for all the lovely comments, and that A Day in the Life is a sharp analysis of modern day life? Oh, I squeed at that one, it made me smile. I'm so glad you picked up on Gaara's taste in music. Just slipping it in there made me giggle like a schoolgirl and it makes me happy when people notice the little things like that. Also, that you wonder whether uncle Madara was right about Oro and Sasuke. I wonder too, and I think maybe the reason Sasuke was so angry at Madara's remark was because maybe he realised there was some truth in his statement.)
R. J. Green (Oh my nefarious plot to turn the Naruto fandom into OroSasu fans has claimed one more victim. Or, at least, just for this fic. I'll take what I can get. You do not know how much pleasure I get just from writing this work of lunacy, though. Really. I sit bent over my laptop, hammering away at the keys, snorting with laughter at the horrible ways I keep coming up with to torture Sasuke - so if it makes other people laugh, it's a bonus as far as I'm concerned. I would attempt to get a life, but writing is so much more fun. Hidan, though... god, I'm glad you liked that bit. I was waiting for so, so long to write that part - seriously, it was like torture - and when it finally came down to it... I laughed. Hidan is comedy gold, he really is. Thanks so much for the lovely review. Hope you liked this chapter.)
DeisClayDragon (Hello there! Thanks for the compliments about the last chapter. I was a bit worried that there weren't enough laughs in the last chapter and a little too much of the old heavy, emotional stuff, but I guess everything was okay. It's funny when you're writing. Things never turn out quite like you expected.)