A Day in the Life
AN: Almost forgot to mention. I thought I was being clever and original with Nagato's brothers' names, but it turns out masamunerevolution of DeviantArt has already done something similar. Dang. XD
July 20th
DAY TWO
WOOOOOOOOO!! THIS is the best niht of my ENTIRE life! so so so much fun i cannot tell you. We are in Amegakure andwe have just been to a karaoke bar. I sang lots of songs I thikn I might have been hogging th e mic lol. But wow it really... I mean big freaky coincidence because when we parked the bus and were scouting round Amegakure for stuff to do we found a random bar that looked like it cound be good. Jiraiya said he remembered goin gto it when he was yuong with Tsunade and th ebosss and he said it was the shit when he was there, so we went in – and LO! Who was in there but Nagato and his brothers!
They al look really similar, it's freaky. You can tell they are brothers right awaya. They all have red hair and big ossssten... osten... lol i cannot spell ostentatious, my head feels funny and my fongers cannot touch the keyboard properly — a rolled cigarette was passed round earlier and I think it might ahve been weed, oh well. But yes, they all have big ostentatious piercings and red hair. It is hilarious. I laughed a lot.
Nagato and his brotheres know Jiraiya for some reason – they must be older than I thouhgt they were at first – and when the bar closed they invited us back to their house which i thought was verrry kind of thiem. They live in a big tower. It is hilarious. Also my fat stupid moron uncle madara was LYING when he said they are all called Nagato – but then evrything that comes out of his lying mouth is a LIE!! He is a LYING LIAR and i hate him and want to twist his nipples until he squeals!! Only Nagato is called Nagato, and he has a nickname, which is Pain. His brothers are called Bane, Dane, Kane, Shane and Zane. They are downstairs playing music real loud. The walls are thmuping. It is a party. THere is lots of cider. Some random people who came back from the bar have showed up. People have been flirting with me but I have been good and said no because I am with the boss. I showed people pics of him in my wallet and phone and they went "Awwww". I did not show them the nudes though becuase the boss would kill me if he found out. I called him ealrier and told him i missed him. He asked me if i was drunk and i said yes. Then he asked me where i was, I said at Bane, Dane, Kane, Pain, Shane and Zane's house. He said "What?" and I said I was at Nagato's and that we were in Amegakure. He said "Oh, that's alright then." I said I missed him and he said he missed me too and my tummy squiggled.
Actually it is still squiggling.
I have to go. I don't feel very well.
((HEYYYYYYY!! Dis is Naruto here. Sasuke axed me 2 cum & shut dn his comp n case ne1 reads his diary coz he is blowin chunks in the bath in Dane's room lol. Jus goes 2 show u dat Sasu cannot drinik!! ALwasy told u didnt i? thot i shud let u no dude that i did it i mean bout ur comp so u dont 4get. bye thennnnnnnn!!))
July 21st
DAY THREE
Oh god... my head. Really. It is actually pulsing. And I feel awful. I have never been so hung-over, or acted so idiotically in a public place. I think the initial heady wave of freedom that accompanied our setting out on this road trip has well and truly passed over me and broken against the rocky shore of illness and embarrassment. I am fairly certain the other members of my party are working along similar lines. Kakashi must have passed out under a table at some point because he is still there and still unconscious. Jiraiya is lying stretched out on the kitchen table, groaning, and Kiku is sitting on a chair with her head bent between her legs, wearing the silk slippers we stole from the Hachimata shrine. I am not sure where Naruto is. Sakura and Kabuto are propping each other up on the big green sofa and Sai has draped himself across their legs.
The extent of our over-indulgence? This morning, when I dragged myself from Dane's bed and blearily trudged my way into the living room, I saw Sai spread-eagled across Sakura and Kabuto and I grunted a distinctly grumpy "Good morning." In reply Sai grimaced – actually grimaced! – and said, "Please don't talk to me, Sasuke. The sound of your voice is making me want to vomit."
I may yet warm to him.
I feel a little sorry for him too, as last night was the first time he had ever been drunk. It must have been some initiation for him in house party terms, as I cannot recall everything that happened, and – despite what Naruto might tell you - I am a fairly experienced drinker (though nowhere near the level of some individuals of my acquaintance – hence the fact I ended up spewing my guts out in Dane's bath. I had to use the shower head and my hands to wash all the little chunks down the drain. I will never do that again, no matter how drunk I am.) At some point, I do remember sitting on the floor in one of the round corridors in Nagato's tower with Sai, Kakashi, Shane, Kane, two randoms and a row of shot glasses filled with different types of spirits that we'd brought out for Sai to try. He smiled and very politely downed every one we offered him. I think that may have had something to do with his current state of health. Perhaps the jugs of silly cocktails we bought at the karaoke bar may also have contributed?
Bleh... I don't want to talk about drink anymore. It's making me feel nauseous. The first thing I saw in front of me when I woke up was a cheap bottle of Grant's vodka on Dane's nightstand. It was open and it smelled of hairspray. Add that to the stomach-churning aroma of Zane cooking breakfast, and you're on the road to hangover hell. Ugh. Seriously. I do not know how that fat git can scoff down a plate of bacon, sausage, scrambled eggs, beans and hash browns AND a towering side of pancakes with syrup after the carnage last night. He must have an iron constitution. Either that or he's just fucking fat and feels the need to stuff his face every five seconds. I think I'll go with the latter.
Apologies for the drunken entry last night, by the way. Weed was indeed being passed around, and since I have only partaken in the stuff but sparingly, I was not prepared for its ill-effects. It wore off after a while, but I was still horrendously drunk, so I have no excuse. I guess I must thank Naruto for carrying out the slurred, panic-stricken orders I gave him in between heaves when I was sitting in Dane's bath, weeping in a pool of sick. If anyone had come in and happened upon my journal, it would probably be all over the internet by now, so thank you Naruto!
Hmmm... maybe I should go and find him. He still hasn't surfaced.
Back in a bit.
LATER:
World, let it be known and officially put on record that Kakashi and Kabuto are big, hairy donkey scrotums.
Yes, you heard me. Big. Hairy. Donkey. Scrotums.
Why? The horrible arseholes only went and filmed me singing last night at the karaoke bar! But that is not the worst... oh no. In a fit of drunken idiocy, last night they both decided that it would be a hilarious idea to upload the damned video onto YouTube for the whole world to see! I am now sincerely glad I had Naruto shut down my computer. I dread to think what they would have done with my diary entries.
Being in a state of advanced leglessness as they were, once they had done the dirty deed and had giggled themselves silly at my expense – or so they have since told me - they then went and forgot all about what they had done and carried on partying as if nothing had happened. They only remembered what they had done when interested friends and co-workers began texting them this morning, informing them how much the video had amused them, how many views it had already garnered, and that the YouTube staff had featured it on the front page.
Now, at this point, I like to imagine The Brothers Scrotum were feeling a tad anxious, wondering exactly how I would react and trying to come up with a way to break the news to me gently. They needn't have bothered, for I had received exactly the same texts. I shall quote here a choice selection:
From the boss: "Sasuke-kun, I knew you could dance but was unaware that you could sing so very well. Then again, you have had lots of practise hitting the high notes. It seems I have trained you well. Oro x"
From Deidara: "TAAAAAAAKE ONNNNN MEEEEEEEE!! LOLLOLOLOLOL!! XD"
From Kakuzu: "Lord, Sasuke. You're the gift that just keeps on giving. 20,000 views and climbing."
From Sasori: "Stupid shit. You made me snort Coke up my nose."
From Kisame: "Heads up. There's a video of you doing the rounds on YouTube. It's on Kabuto's profile: bespectacledwunderkind. Shouldn't be too hard to find, as it's been featured. I told everyone not to e-mail it to Itachi. I think you might be okay on that front. He doesn't get on the net much these days."
From Zetsu: "I had my speakers up full when you hit that high E. I hope you can afford to pay for replacement eardrums."
From Ino: "Oweee, Sasuke, you look damn hot in that vid!"
From Shikamaru: "Wtf, dude... A-Ha?"
From Kiba: "FAVED!! XD"
From Suigetsu: "Sasuke, I nearly peed myself. Why are you such a rampant tard?"
Those are only a fraction of the texts I received. They were enough to clue me in, however, on what had transpired, and thus it came to pass that I thundered downstairs and found Kabuto and Kakashi in the kitchen hunched over a laptop looking worried. I promptly picked up one of Nagato's heavy saucepans and chased them around the breakfast bar for a bit before cornering them.
"WHAT DID YOU DO??" I howled, brandishing the pot threateningly at them as they cringed and held up their hands in front of their heads.
"Sasuke," Kakashi began, "we didn't mean it—"
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DIDN'T MEAN IT?" I shrieked (looking quite deranged, I imagine.)
"It was last night," Kabuto implored. "We were drunk. We didn't know what we were doing—"
"Shut up!" I hissed, jabbing the pot in their general direction. "You mean you didn't know what you were doing when you filmed me in the first place? Eh? Eh? EH??"
"That was just a joke!" Kabuto insisted. "Really, Sasuke. I was going to keep it on my phone and show it to you after!"
"Oh were you, indeed?" I whispered, smiling dangerously. "Then you can show it to me right now. Go on," I added, jerking my head at the offending laptop that was sitting open on the kitchen table. "Bring the video up and let's all have a good laugh!"
And they did.
When I woke up this morning, I could not recall much of what happened the night before. As I watched the now infamous YouTube video, however, slowly but surely, memories began to trickle back into the empty, dehydrated and slightly shrivelled vessel that was my mind.
As I said in my last entry, we ended up driving all night to get out of Otogakure and away from the monks, and we finally crossed the border into Rain Country at about midday. Since we were all exhausted from taking turns at the wheel, Kakashi insisted that we pull over and get some real rest. This meant that we ended up surfacing from our bunks at seven pm, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed just as the sun was setting. Our sleep patterns thoroughly shot to hell, we decided to head on into Amegakure to see whether we could find some "breakfast" and, if we were lucky, something to do.
By eight-thirty, we had parked the bus and hit the city centre – all bright lights and traffic blurred through a light sheet of drizzle, the skyline dominated by a huge tower (which we later learned was the home of Nagato and his brothers). After wandering around aimlessly for a bit, letting the rain frizz our hair, we stumbled upon a yakitori stand and had a bite to eat. While we were at the stand, Jiraiya suggested we head out to see if we could find this cool karaoke bar he remembered going to with Oro and Tsunade when he was younger. As I was still a little grumpy from having done the three am shift, I rolled my eyes and said in a snide manner, "Look, Jiraiya. Really. How many years ago was that? You don't seriously think it'll still be there, do you?"
To which Jiraiya countered (with the usual brusqueness he employs when someone confronts him with logic), "Fine, Uchiha. Do you have any recommendations? Because if you have, then we'd all really like to hear them."
You should've seen his face when we found the bar exactly where he said it would be. It was the smuggest, most self-satisfied look I've ever seen on the man's face. It took all my powers of discipline to force myself not to draw back my hand and smack it off him.
At any rate, we decided to head inside and check the place out to see whether it met our (relatively lax) standards for boozing-den quality control (I mean, as it served alcohol, the proprietors were a shoe-in to be perfectly honest). As it was, the place was actually quite cool. The Beer Hall (as the sign outside indicated) was a basement venue, and dotted around the subterranean, low-lit space were a number of grungy-looking tables and chairs made from wooden beer barrels. In one shady corner was a pool table and pinball machine and in the other, the bar.
The clientele were a mixed bunch. Looking around I counted a fair number of sullen, long-haired heads bent over pints of cider (grungers mainly, as well as a few stray goths), a gaggle of guys and girls wearing lurid clothing and even more lurid make up (the indie-electro 80s revival crowd), and a number of serious looking individuals in black polo necks (the "holier than thou" poetry crowd). Despite the disparate nature of their respective scenes, they all had one thing in common: they each believed most sincerely that they were too good for the mainstream – whatever that is – and thus got on surprisingly well with one another. Also, because the clientele were something of a motley crew, no one batted an eyelid when nine damp people from Konoha trudged through the door, all wearing wellies because they had lost the only other pair of shoes they had packed the day before.
To our delight we discovered that they were doing a two-for-one pizza offer, and since it was early yet and not totally crammed with drunken revellers, we decided to stay, take advantage of the free pizzas and get some drinks in before heading back to the bus.
Unfortunately, Kiku also spotted the two-for-one cocktail jug offer. Turns out alcohol is really cheap in Amegakure (only ¥800 a jug) and there were loads of different types to choose from. To cut a long story short, we ended up taking advantage of that offer too, and by the time the rather attractive young lady arrived with the folder full of karaoke songs, we were a shade inebriated, and were thus open to suggestion. Naturally, Naruto was very keen on giving it a go, and put his name down first on the list. His wildly enthusiastic rendition of Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up (with actions – I suspect he had practised in front of the mirror) was met with surprising approval from the assembled grungers, and his initial performance sort of set the bar for the evening.
It was round about this point that we discovered Nagato and his brothers, because he got up to sing something with Bane and Kane. I'm not sure what the song was because I was bent under the table retrieving the little umbrella that fell from one of the jugs when the attractive karaoke lady introduced them, but it was rather liberally sprinkled with the word 'fuck' – so much so that the lyricist felt the need to comment on the fact that, at one point in the song, there were 'forty-six fucks in this fucked up rhyme.'
It appeared that Nagato and his brothers were quite popular, as their performance was greeted with general whooping and hollering – and it was during this whooping and hollering that Jiraiya decided to leap atop our bench and shout, his voice louder than everyone else's, "NAGATO! YO, NAGATO! OVER HERE!" Thus it was that our two parties became one; Bane, Dane, Kane, Shane, Zane and Nagato promptly gathered together their beers and crashed our table. Naruto was rather excited that real-life, proper "alternative" locals had come to sit next to us, and he was even more thrilled when Nagato showed signs of having known me prior to our meeting.
"Evening, Sasuke," Nagato said, offering his hand as he clambered over the beer barrel bench and squeezed in between Kakashi and I.
"Good evening," I replied, shaking his hand. "You must be Nagato?"
"Oh, I wonder what gave that away?" he said wryly, jerking his head in Jiraiya's direction. "And I was so careful too. Smoke?" he added, offering me a cigarette.
"No thanks. I don't smoke," I said politely, suddenly trying to keep track of two conversations at once, as I could hear Naruto chatting to Bane about piercings. I know he's wanted to get something done for ages, but Konoha-Suna have rather strict policies on body jewellery and have never allowed him. His chatting with Bane was rather ominous, as it could very well have descended into the murky depths of stupidity (i.e. Naruto having wasted money because the company made him take out the piercings upon threat of contract violation as soon as he got back).
"Dude! Where did you get your plugs done?"
"Did it myself."
"Whaaaat? No way! How'd you do that?"
"Just got them pierced normally then went up a gauge every two weeks or so."
"Shit, dude, that's hardcore! Maaaaan, I really want a Prince Albert! And I wanna get my bridge pierced! And my eyebrow! And my tongue!"
"Yeah? I know a guy who could do it for you while you're here, no charge, since it's me who's asking."
"Awww, man! Really? That's fierce! Thanks, man!"
"So Sasuke," Nagato said, lighting up, cigarette clenched between his teeth. "How did Oro like his present?"
"Ha, oh you should have seen his face when he opened the box," I said, grinning from ear to ear at the memory. "He loves it so much, Nagato, I can't tell you. He takes it to bed with him every night. Thanks so much for stealing it for me."
"No problem," he said. "All in a day's work. Besides, we're always a little slow around Christmas. Oh, wait one second— Yeah, sure Cindy. I'll be right up. Yeah, it's the SoaD track, that's me."
"Are you going up again then?" I asked him, pouring myself another large helping of the pink coloured Woo Woo Kiku had fetched from the bar. I blame my subsequent drunkenness on that Woo Woo. I could hardly taste the alcohol in it at all. It was quite lovely. Like fruit juice.
Nagato nodded. "I'm taking every chance I can get to unwind right now. Work's been a pain in the ass lately." Then he drained the last of his cider and said, "You not singing then?"
I heard myself laughing a sanctimonious and typically Uchihan laugh. "No," I said. "I don't sing."
I am still not quite sure how I came to be on the stage, but I do believe it may have been a combination of insistent pestering from Naruto ("Awww c'mon, Sasuke! Do Take on Me again! Do Take on Me!), Sakura having turned up with another tray of jugs filled with a weird blue cocktail that tasted like orange juice but not quite, and Jiraiya being a jerk ("Just leave him, Naruto. If he thinks he's too good for it, then let him sit there. Typical Uchiha party-killer. Just like his brother, if you ask me...")
I swear not a minute later, I was elbowing my way up onto the stage, butt-checking potential karaoke candidates out of the way left right and centre. My memory is a little hazy, but I do believe that once I had ungracefully clambered upon the stage I grabbed the microphone from the attractive female organiser and began to shout, while stabbing the air with an accusing finger, "I'll show you, Jiraiya! I'll show... I'll show you... you big HAIRY MAN! I'll show you I'm not a party-killer! I wanna sing A-ha. I wanna sing A-ha right now. Put it on. Put it on!"
I'm guessing it was round about then that Kakashi and Kabuto began to film me.
Now, from my past ramblings you may have got the impression that I am the sort of person to whom being almost painfully awesome comes naturally, that I am the sort of person who is known in the right circles as "effortlessly cool". This is not quite the case. For although my Uchihan charm gives me a natural boost, sometimes, one just has to put in a teensy bit of effort. It is true that I am not inclined towards karaoke and would not go out of my way to get up on stage – unlike my differently-abled friend Naruto - however, being an Uchiha, I constructed a contingency plan in case I found myself in a situation which demanded it. Thus I have in my arsenal a selection of classic karaoke songs that I have practised and practised and honed to perfection over the years (mainly in the shower or in front of my bedroom mirror, if I'm being honest). In constructing my performance of my chosen songs, I left nothing to chance: facial expressions, poses, moves were all accounted for.
So it was with a feeling of creeping horror that I watched Kabuto's YouTube video. He had, indeed, filmed me singing A-ha's 'Take on Me', and, as far as I could remember, I had pulled off a textbook performance: from the hand stretching out towards the sky when I hit the high E, to my stage strut, the twirling of the mic lead, my rock stance #3 (with my foot resting on one of the floor amps) and the somewhat melodramatic sinking to my knees when I hit the final high E to roars of rapturous applause. At the end of the video, when I was jumping off the stage to make way for Jiraiya, Kabuto turned the camera round and Kakashi's big, stupid face appeared. Grinning like a loon, Kakashi said, "We're going to show this to you later, Sasuke!" gave a thumbs up and Kabuto shut it off.
In Nagato's kitchen, I leaned forward on the table and pinched the bridge of my nose. Kakashi and Kabuto were watching me, gauging my reaction with apprehension apparent in every line of their idiot visages. Thankfully, it wasn't as bad as I had feared. I didn't fluff any notes and I wasn't quite drunk enough at the time to trip and embarrass myself. Actually, my performance exhibited all the qualities for which I had designed it: my stunning vocal range, my grace and poise in the art of booty-shaking, and my alluring sexual ambiguity that has men and women falling for me in equal measure. And now, thanks to my moronic acquaintances, the whole world may experience my supreme awesomeness in the comfort of their own homes. Nonetheless, what Kakashi and Kabuto had done merited at least a prolonged falling-out, and I resolved to be brusque with them for a few days at least.
Trying to hide the secret smile that was threatening to give me away I stood up, scraping my chair across the floor with a rude squawk.
"Look, we're really sorry, Sasuke," Kakashi said frankly. "Do you want us to take it down?"
"I'd rather you didn't," I said in a lofty tone. "Someone will have downloaded it already, and if you delete it, then it will be posted elsewhere in the blink of an eye. I'd prefer knowing who's watching it to not knowing, thank-you-very-much."
"Okay, Sasuke," Kabuto replied, clearly relieved that I seemed to be taking it well. "We'll make it up to you by moderating the comments."
"You'd better," I said, before informing them, in a self-righteous tone, that I was going to look for Naruto because Jiraiya had mentioned something about leaving at one-thirty so we could put in a good few miles on the road to Takigakure.
As of this moment, we are on the bus, still waiting for Naruto. God knows where he's got to. We've been phoning him for the past half hour, and when Sakura finally got through to him, all he said was, "Give me twenty minutes, dude, I'm almost done. Bane and Dane're bringin' me back on their way to work. I told them where the bus is."
I don't know what he's been up to, but I fear the worst.
July 22nd
DAY FOUR
Ho hum. Tis a new dawn and a new day. Against all odds and without incident, we have reached Takigakure: Land of Lovely Waterfalls (if the "Welcome to Takigakure" border sign is to be believed). It remains to be seen whether the waterfalls of Takigakure will be as lovely as those in Otogakure – and believe you me, I shall be making comparisons. Having lived in Otogakure for almost a year now, I have become something of a waterfall snob, and I shall be highly impressed if the falls of Takigakure meet my expectations. The boss has informed me that the Kegon falls are of particular loveliness and also informed me that if I do not take the opportunity to see them while I am here, he will never forgive me. So I have bullied the others into going to see them before we head round to the manuscripts and incunabula museum at Taki no Kuni National Library. Sakura really wants to see the Genji scrolls because they've put them out on display – and apparently that never happens.
Naruto is coming to the falls but has been banned from the library. Considering his track record on this trip so far, I am beginning to have my doubts about letting him loose at the falls.
Oh yes. I forgot to mention. Naruto has a tattoo – the second idiot thing he has done this week. Bane remained true to his word and spirited Naruto away yesterday morning to see a tattoo artist called Chi, who was only too willing to pander to Naruto's inexplicable need to have a nine-tailed, flaming demon fox inked, half-sleeve style, onto his upper arm. He is not allowed to remove the dressing just yet, but while Sakura was driving, Naruto let me have a peek. Through the red, weeping and swollen skin, I could discern the fox-like shape, all big ears and swirling tails. It was in a sort of pouncing position, as though it were leaping down from somewhere high, and done in what Naruto informed me was a "tribal style".
I asked him what he would do about work, and he said that as long as he wore three quarter sleeves when he was in Konoha, he would probably be okay. I nodded and then expressed my relief that he had not opted for any piercings. Curiosity then began to get the better of me as we were chatting and I inquired as to the significance of his tattoo (I mean really – why a fox? His favourite animals have always been variations on a theme of amphibians.) Strangely triumphant, Naruto replied, "Cos I wanted something to remind me of the trip, I guess, and cos this has been, like, the most memorable thing I've ever done. I guess I picked the fox cos it's like a big fuck you to those snake guys who wanted to kill me, heh heh." I said, "Oh, I see."
Then he asked me one of those deep and meaningful questions that always catch me off guard when they come from Naruto. He asked me, "If you got a tattoo, Sasuke, what would you get?"
I sort of blinked in a befuddled manner before replying. "I don't know," I said, truthfully, scratching my head.
"Come on, man!" Naruto chirped encouragingly. "You've gotta have an idea at least."
But truly, truly, I did not have the faintest. Since I am prone to documenting even the most mundane episodes of my life in minute detail, there is nothing that has gone unremembered. Everything in my life has been memorable – from recent, life-changing events such as changing jobs, getting together with the boss and my assault trial, to trivial events of my childhood such as the time when I called Itachi home from work because an older boy at the Academy took my Walkman and he went round to his house, beat the crap out of him and got my Walkman back. If the Walkman episode was so memorable, then should I get a tattoo of one? No. Methinks that is not quite how it works.
I ended up retreating to my bunk and pulling the curtain closed, with intent on mulling over Naruto's unwittingly profound philosophical question. What sort of icons could symbolise aspects of my life? Could I even isolate any aspects of my life that held meaning for me? That one, I must say, brought on a boss-like sulking state of contemplation, and I angrily fobbed off all attempts my bus-mates made at getting me to come out and watch Superbad with them.
At this point, I feel I must bring up the odd, displaced sense one gets when travelling long stretches by bus. You see, it is not quite as fun-filled a process as one assumes at first. Yes, in the initial day or two, it is all drinking, partying and endless hedonism, but once that wears off, you find that there is, basically, an awful lot of driving across vast expanses of countryside that you have to be part of. Everything begins to look the same, and the boundaries between countries, towns, villages begin to blur, and you only notice you're in a different place when you wake up one morning and the sky's more blue and the cows look different.
Thus, there is rather a lot of time which one may devote to inner contemplation. I have begun to call label this "bus time". I have also labelled the odd, displaced feeling one attains during bus time as the "bus state", and during my bus time induced state, my thoughts drifted from tattoos and I began to contemplate my life via the means of one particular diminutive and somewhat secret part of me: my long pube.
The long pube, as I have always known it, sits just underneath my navel. To the untrained eye it would appear at first glance to be a mere pubic hair, but it is rather special in that it is set apart from my other pubes in terms of colour, length, thickness and location. My normal pubes which reside downstairs are at present time uniformly black, neatly trimmed and numerous in number. There is nothing remarkable in the least about those pubes, and their only purpose, I believe, is to represent the average against which the exceptional may be judged. The exceptional, in this instance, is my long pube. Going completely against the grain and standing out from the crowd, it is white blonde in colour and its thickness and lustre is greater than that of my run-of-the-mill pubes. It also grows at an astounding rate, and I find myself having to cut it off at frequent intervals so as to inhibit its potential for embarrassment.
During my bus time state, the conclusion of my rather literal bout of navel-gazing was that the long pube was a metaphor for my life. I am the exceptional long pube, set apart from the average pubes by virtue of my inherent qualities. That I am set apart, however, is not always a good thing, for I am more likely to be cut down this way and thus prevented from fulfilling my potential. And it is true! There is always something that happens to me to shit on whatever good fortune I have accrued – whether the scissors of doom are represented in Itachi, my uncle Madara, or the boss making me feel like shit after an argument, or whether it is the fault of the common pubes for making me stand out, represented in one of my idiot workmates screwing up and leaving me to deal with their mess, or one of my arsehole friends uploading a video of me singing to YouTube.
I have resolved from now on not to let myself be cut short like the long pube, and I have also resolved to embrace my long pube status from now on – to celebrate being exceptional, rather than shying away from it. Although, saying that, I realised that I would still have to trim the long pube (because the boss spent fifteen minutes staring at it one night and it made me feel self-conscious) and thus with the aid of Kiku's nail scissors, I cut it with all the reverence it deserved and taped it to Sai's bunk. Hopefully, Sai will then realise what it means to be exceptional in front of the majesty of my long pube, and he will fall to his knees, weeping copiously, and will rise – born anew – and will no longer be as boring.
Here's hoping. I mean, seriously, man. Get some personality! My normal pubes have more magnetism than he does. All he's done since we left Nagato's is stare out of the window and sketch. You'd think he'd never been outside before or something...
LATER:
For the record: having done a bit of digging, I can confirm that Sai has not been outside since he left university. He went straight to work at Root after graduation and their residential apartment blocks for employees are in the same building complex as the HQ itself – a bit like the boss's arrangement for Otogakure Enterprises. All his laundry is done for him, his food is delivered and any extras he needs to buy are shipped to his front door after the permission form has cleared. Furthermore, since he started working for Danzou, his activities have been confined to the workplace – his apartment is the place where he sleeps, nothing more. All this was said with an eerie, unsettlingly agreeable smile.
I think I might be scared of Sai.
LATER:
So, it is 9:30pm and we are driving around the outskirts of Takigakure in search of somewhere to park the bus so we can shut up shop for the night. We went to the manuscripts and incunabula museum, then collected Naruto and headed over to the Kegon falls. I must say that the falls were quite lovely (they held their own against those in Otogakure), and we ended up staying there for longer than we had originally intended. We were lucky to find a good spot with a picnic bench and we commandeered it, opened a few cans from the cool-bag and sat there talking and being a shade boisterous until the sun went down. It was probably the most fun I've had on this trip yet, and I took loads of pictures which I shall be sending to the boss forthwith.
The incunabula museum was very interesting, and to my surprise, Jiraiya absolutely loved it. He is into writing and books in a big way, and I found out that he got a first-class degree in literature and language studies from the University of Konoha. Who knew Jiraiya was that smart? I'm not sure why, but I ever since I found out he went to university with the boss I assumed he'd dropped out or something because he is so intellectually unlike him. Not quite so surprising, however, was the topic of his undergraduate dissertation: medieval erotic literature. We found a manuscript containing some fabliaux tales and Jiraiya treated Kiku and I to an in-depth and enthusiastic account of how amazing and hilarious they are. I couldn't read the writing on the page, but Jiraiya could and he read it out to us and told us a few of the tales. I suppose the story about the knight who could make cunts talk was fairly amusing, if vulgar. His taste in literature speaks volumes about Jiraiya's sense of humour, though, and now I can confidently describe it as "medieval".
While I am on the subject, I do have one thought for the day which I must write down, and it is this:
Whoever says they like the smell of old books is a liar. They have obviously never before smelled an old book. They are invariably musty, usually dusty and some of them smell of vomit. And the residue of the parchment pages (ink, hairs, anthrax, whatever), if one happens to rub ones eyes having forgotten to wash them despite the warning sign on the wall, stings like buggery.
Old books are not friendly. They are a veritable minefield of disasters and one has to tread carefully. Especially when you are shouted down for giving in to temptation and touching the sparkly blue and gold giant letter O at the beginning of a book. Ha. That was so worth the telling-off. I totally stuck it to those librarians - and I touched it again when they turned round.
I would also like to quietly confess that it is my birthday tomorrow. The reason for the quiet confession is that I am testing my friends. I have not breathed a word about it, so it will be testament to their devotion to me as to whether they remember it or not. So far Naruto is the only one who has shown signs, as he keeps waggling his eyebrows at me in a conspiratorial fashion and whispering "Guess who's birthday it is tomorrow, Sasuke?" I suspect Sakura will have remembered, and Kakashi too, and I am expecting a phone call from the boss. I'm not sure about the rest of the bus, and Sai has only just met me (though strictly speaking, he should make an effort to find out, the lazy bastard).
So yes... tomorrow should be interesting. Not least because we're heading over to Iwagakure. If my memory serves me correctly, Deidara comes from that neck of the woods, and he has a studio there that he uses when he has some down time. I wonder if he would let us crash for a night or two, because the bus is starting to smell a bit funny. I mean it's not noticeable when you're used to it, but when we came back from the fresh, outdoor air of the falls it was pungent enough to make me wrinkle my nose, so it definitely needs an airing.
July 23rd
DAY FIVE
My Birthday
4.56am
It is fair to say that this the most memorable start to a birthday I have ever known in my lifetime. Also, I think I may have solved my tattoo dilemma.
The boss is here and asleep in the top bunk. He has cocooned himself in the duvet with Snakey (I don't think the boss can sleep without him now – look at me assigning personal pronouns to a stuffed snake) and I am thinking about joining him, as I am tired and very sore and grinning like a man possessed. This is because I have just spent the past few hours being naked and intimate with the boss on the roof of a double decker bus in the middle of pretty much nowhere.
It all started at round about half past one in the morning. I am not sure at exactly what time, as I was tossing and turning fitfully in my bunk, drifting in and out of consciousness in that way you do when you can't really get to sleep. Everyone else was sound asleep; even Jiraiya and Kiku because I could no longer detect the furtive fabric fumbling noises they always make when trying to muffle the sounds of them feeling each other up under the covers. As I said, I was the only bus resident who was awake. Thus no one heard my little yelp of shock when my ringtone went off in the middle of the night, startling me a great deal in the process. Bewildered and grumpy, I slipped my hand under my pillow to retrieve my phone and – just my bloody luck – as soon as I pressed the green button to answer it, whoever was calling me hung up. I then checked my missed calls, but didn't recognise the number, so I flipped myself over angrily and tried to get back to sleep. I should have guessed then it was the boss. He only let me have four or five rings before hanging up. He's so impatient.
However, the boss is nothing if not persistent, because a few seconds later, my phone vibrated and beeped shrilly to let me know I had a text. With a snarl, I snatched my phone from under the pillow once again and perused the contents. Instantly, my expression morphed from one of exhausted irritation to one fully alert and fearful. This is because the text said:
"I can see the bus. I'm coming to surprise you. Open the door. x"
In a flash, my mind went through a list of people who knew I was on this road trip. When it reached the section containing Kakuzu, Deidara, Sasori, Zetsu, Hidan and Kisame, I leapt from my bed and began to creep downstairs. Any sort of surprise from them, I was certain, would not be beneficial to my health, well-being or dignity. My goal was to reach the hold where I knew Jiraiya had stored a baseball bat for use in just such occasions. It was dark in there, and I caught my big toe in the handle of someone's recklessly placed hold-all. Despite that trivial mishap, however, I eventually retrieved the bat, and, closing the door to the hold as quietly as I could behind me, I stole along the length of the bus, my plan already formed in my head. It was fairly basic and relied heavily on the element of surprise, but I was sure it would work. And even if it did not, there were eight other people on the bus who would be more than willing to jump on an idiot Akatsuki Group higher-up if something went wrong.
So, with as much stealth as I could muster, approached the emergency button that opened the doors and, taking a deep galvanising breath, I smashed it with my fist and came out swinging as the pneumatic hinges hissed and the doors slid apart. Now, I admit that it was a little dramatic, but you must understand that it was the only way I could get through the message to someone like Deidara or Kakuzu that it was not okay to come and "surprise" me in the middle of the night in a bus in the back of beyond.
Imagine my surprise when I was not confronted with an Akatsuki moron, but with the boss, who looked rather shocked and angry to be confronted with his significant other wielding a baseball bat with intent to damage his person.
"Sasuke-kun!" he yelled. "What are you—? Stop! It's me, you stupid boy! Put that thing down this instant!"
Halting mid-arc, I felt my jaw drop. I also felt a ferociously hot blush creeping over my cheeks as the realisation of my stupidity began to settle. The bat clattered to the floor, and I concealed my embarrassment in the traditional tried-and-tested manner: by getting angry.
"What do you think you're doing? I hissed, gesturing wildly though it would not have had much effect considering we were standing in the pitch dark at the side of a deserted country road.
"Isn't that obvious?" the boss retorted coolly. "I came here to surprise you."
"You're creeping about out here like a fucking rapist!"
"Don't be ridiculous, Sasuke-kun. I would not rape you. I always ask first."
I paused for a moment to let the meaning of the boss's last words sink in, turning them over in my head in case I had missed some sort of verbal nuance that would make what he had said any less sinister. Finding nothing, I then said, in a monotone, "Do you have any idea how wrong that sounded?"
The boss did not answer me, but instead walked over to where he had left a large cardboard box sitting on the ground. I followed behind and helped him lift it through the door. Several questions were floating around my addled mind, pestering me and wanting to be answered. I sorted through them all and chose the ones that were puzzling me most.
"Why didn't you put your name on the text?" I said. "All the bat-swinging could have been avoided, you know."
The boss shrugged and said it had slipped his mind. He had also forgot to bring his phone with him and had to borrow from the driver who had dropped him off. I sighed and moved onto the next point of contention.
"And how did you know we were here?" I asked in all honesty, since we were approximately somewhere (and I emphasise the word 'somewhere' most strongly) between Takigakure and Iwagakure with no sign of civilisation in sight.
The boss turned and flashed me a winning smile. "Because I installed a tracking device on the bus the night before you left."
Once again, metaphorically speaking, my jaw hit the floor.
"O-Orochimaru-sama," I began, not quite able to believe how many steps the boss had ascended on the creepiness scale in the space of a minute, "is that not illegal?"
"Not if it is GPS," he replied smoothly.
"But why—?"
"Because I wanted to surprise you," he answered, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, turning round and smiling another one of those winning smiles at me. "I purposefully gave you time off during your birthday and I hoped we might spend it together, but since Naruto decided to whisk you away, I had to come up with another plan. What better way, I thought, than to surprise you upon the very hour of your birth? Though, in order to do that, I would have to know where you were so I could travel to you. Hence the tracking device."
"Oh," I said somewhat lamely. I supposed it wasn't quite so creepy if you put it like that. Technically, the boss was being romantic. What did it matter if he installed a GPS tracking device somewhere upon the bus without my knowledge in order to keep tabs on me? I managed a small smile.
"So what do you want to do now you're here?" I asked. "There's no way we can go upstairs because everyone'll hear."
It was then I noticed the dangerous glint in his eye.
"Why, Sasuke-kun," he purred, snaking his arms around my waist and pulling me outside once again, "I thought you would never ask..."
Thus, with the aid of the driver's window, the front windscreen wipers, the wing mirrors and some of the little sticky out rubber bits that held the windows in place, we clambered up the front of the bus and onto the roof. It was filthy up there and we had to select the spot with the least amount of bird poop upon which to do the deed, but once we had, our clothes were off and it was down to business. I must say it was rather fantastic. I've never had sex outdoors before and I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. This was probably because there was little to no chance of anyone randomly passing by to catch us – and the only way we would conceivably be spotted was if Naruto or someone else woke up, heard odd rhythmic thumping noises on the roof and opened the skylight to see what the hell was going on.
Fortunately, they did not, as the boss and I reined ourselves in, and once we had shagged ourselves silly were able to slip back inside the bus unnoticed. Getting back down from the roof is not something I would consider doing again without a ladder. On the way in, we passed the giant box and I had to resist the overwhelming urge to squeeze the boss and never let go when I asked him what was in it and he told me it was filled with shoes. Shoes! The boss is so practical, I cannot tell you. Along with Kabuto's ticket to Tea in the Park, the boss had brought my birthday present, and it is utterly fabulous and oh-so-civilised. He has booked a baroque ensemble, plus soloists, to perform privately at the compound! For me! I am so excited. I should start listening to classical music so I can talk to the performers afterwards and not look like an ignorant tit.
Unfortunately though, the boss isn't staying. He has to be back in Otogakure to catch a flight over to Konoha so he can live the high life at the spa with Tsunade. Yes, I am still jealous. He has asked me if we can make a detour and drop him off at Iwagakure airport, and I said that I did not think anyone would protest. After all, the boss has supplied shoes, which means we will no longer have to wear embarrassing wellies when we venture outside! Everyone's going to be so stoked when they wake up.
Oh well. So far, it has been a brilliant start to the day. I'd better get some sleep because I'm supposed to be driving at 10:00. Only thing is, the boss has commandeered my preferred bunk and has begun flailing already (probably because he's not in his normal environment). I guess I'll simply have to squish him up against the wall. That'll teach him for being so thoughtful.
AN: Sorry about the delay in posting. Had to do some work for uni for a change (and I still should be doing work, so... err... heheheh). I also wasted a whole night (how dare I?) indulging in my unnatural love for countertenors. It's the first time for ages that I've sat and carefully listened to a whole album right the way through.
Manga-wise, I think I might be starting to like Madara - and I'm very glad I guessed that Kishimoto would turn Itachi into the protective brother. I took this into account for my future Madara/Itachi/Sasuke plotline, and I was a bit pissed off at the thought of having to alter it when Itachi had his GIMMEUREYESBOY moment. But no longer! Woo and yay and such!
Hopefully you guys will have stuck with the fic and won't have forgotten about it over the long delay. To remedy this, I think I should thank you.
BMIk (What a shrewd observation! And I can reveal that you are not over-analyzing, but you've picked up on one of those subtle little somethings I'm going to deal with later on. It seems my reviewers are clever. Must make more of an effort to conceal things in future...)
NayanRoo (Yay! You came back! It's nice to see Oro/Sasu fans sticking together. :-) And you should definitely take more zoology classes. Animals are the best. Thanks very much for the nice comment about me cramming in references to myths and legends. It's fun to slip them in there, too, to see if anyone spots them.)
chibibaka1 (Thanks for the positive comments about the Naruto myths and legends stuff. I don't know too much about them, but I did try. :-) I'm glad you liked Jiraiya's list too. It's modelled on my own list of stuff I always take to festivals (obviously without the Oro anecdotes). And I think you should write that crack Itachi fanfic. It'd be lulzworthy. XD)
fiore777 (Hello thar! Always nice to see you around. :-) Hoo, yes. Orochimaru in the nude. Talk about his massive, uncircumcised wang. Something of a surprise, that was, and worthy of major lulz. I felt sorry for canon Saskue when I saw it (though I think Kabuto would have been able to handle it.) That Immodium story is actually true. Happened to a friend of mine the second time I went to T in the Park. I tried not to laugh too much at her expense, but...)
ArilianaFireQueen (You were at a leadership conference in Washigton D. C.? That sounds rather sophisticated. Did you have to do presentations or anything, or were you just there to listen to other people speaking? What's up with your friend's parents not letting her come onto this site (I'm assuming they're strict). Oh well. Tell your friend I said hello and that I hope she likes the fic! :-))
NaruGuru (Yay! Staying up late to read fanfiction is what life's all about. At least it is for me. And substitute reading for writing. Hell, I stay up til three in the morning for no reason at all, so there ain't nothing wrong with that! Officially, Sasuke's kitty is being taken care of by Oro (but everyone knows it is really the house staff). The bus, I think, would be fun for about a week, until the lack of privacy started eating away, bit by bit, at my sanity. Hooray for the bus, though. And hooray for your reviews! Hope you liked this chapter okay.)
Nozomi-sama (The hilarious thing about the sword and the magic sake bottle was that it was true. Honestly, I mean I know some people like to read shounen manga for the ridiculous techniques (in the style of DBZ) but being a little bit more grown up, I do like a bit of foreshadowing etc. to introduce these sorts of things, rather than have the author pull them out of his arse when he needs to kill someone off. Also, you may inform your lawyers that I do not take any responsibility for laughter induced deaths. :-P)
bandgeek4547 (Hee hee, glad to be of service. Cheers for the nice review. I always appreciate them. Oh, I am so happy you laughed at Jiraiya's comment about the condoms on the list. It was one of those little things that made me smirk myself when I put it in. It's just such a Jiraiya thing to say.)
OroGirl21 (Woo! Hello there! Thanks so much for all the nice comments. It makes me tingle inside with happiness when people take the time to review. Sorry for the late update, but I hope you liked this chapter. I am glad you like Sai and Naruto - it's so much fun to write Naruto, seriously. You basically get to think like a damn fool for a while, and that's definitely a good way to pass the time. )
SlythCommand (Hello again! Thanks so much for the review - you must have read quite a lot of my stuff, now that I come to think of it, lol. Yes, Naruto really is the dumbest guy ever. And he is so much fun to write. XD)
danni quinn (Ahhh... once again you've put your finger on something that I've been thinking about myself. See, with the introduction of Madara, Kishi has effectively blown the Rules Of Life out of the water - namely that one usually shuffles off one's mortal coil when you reach the 100+ mark. I had to include Madara, so I just chopped a couple of decades off his age. I'm thinking in this fic he's the same age as Sarutobi (and I've put the First and the Second in with them). The Sannin are fifty, Kakashi and his lot are in their mid-thirties, Kiku is sixteen and just out of school and Team Seven are in their mid twenties. Something like that. It's still a bit sketchy. As for Tobi and Madara... well I have to confess I'm still hanging on to see what Kishi does with them. :-))
Niver (Yay! You're back! Yeah, the manga chapter where Oro popped out (and I'm not talking about his epic, uncircumcised manhood of doom) was a bit meh. Obviously the whole scene was a bit of plot-no-jutsu on Kishi's part so he could get Oro out of Sasuke and put an end to the 'will he, won't he' debate on Oro taking over. And now that Itachi's jutsu have passed to Sasuke, what now? Imma confoosed! :-( Oh, but I'm so glad you liked the chapter. I, too, would go by Jiraiya's list, simply because it's actually mine (though I made it less boring by adding Jiraiya-esque tales to it. :-))
YoungSasuke (Oooh, a new reviewer! Thanks so much for the nice comments, I always appreciate nice reviews. Hope you liked this chapter and that the delay wasn't too long. :-))
Kokura (Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a lovely review. Really. It made me smile. Most of all, I love the fact that it surpassed your expectations, or at least subverted them. It's something that really appeals to me on a fundamental level, subverting expectations, I mean. I guess it's why I like countertenors so much, and I tend to do it a lot when I'm writing one-shots. And the foreshadowing... I'm rather glad you're picking up on the ominous stormclouds. Shit will eventually hit the fan, because that's what happens in canon, but it's how it's going to happen that I guess is still the mystery. There are clues already, but I don't want to spoil my own fic for you, lol. Oh yeah, it is Lu-Tze from Discworld. Terry Pratchett is the King.)
ChibiKeimei (Hee. The thought of the Sannin (especially Oro) going to a music festival makes me want to fall about laughing. Jiraiya would be in his element, seriously. XD The bus would be fun - for about a week when I would probably kill everyone else in it due to lack of bus privacy. As for the manga, I was a bit pissed off at first, but I'm loving the potential of the Madara/Itachi/Sasuke triangle. I want to see Saskue emotionally tortured (and what the hell Itachi was all about). Should be interesting.
Patrick (Yay, Patrick! I always love your reviews. And in return for being so kind I shall answer your questions. Jiraiya's list is, indeed, based from real festival experience. In fact, I pretty much took my own list and gave it a Jiraiya-esque twist. Oh, your suggestion for ending the last chapter made me lol rather hard. If I someone reading my fic and it ended like that, I would've reached through the screen and strangled myself. XD Neji is the psychiatrist because, as you rightly pointed out, he has a rather keen ability to read the thoughts and emotions of others. In this universe, he resents the Hyuuga family because they come from a long line of psychiatrists and accountants, and if you are a Hyuuga, you're pretty much doomed to become one. Sasuke's severance from Itachi... well... it's not quite come to that yet. He's going to see him a couple more times before they part ways for the final time (at least in this fic-verse). Finally, the names for those bands are just worthy of so much lulz. Especially Samehada, the shredder band. It's so excellent, I think I might have to use it. I'll put you in the author's notes at the start. You kind of deserve it anyway because you're so brilliant.)
DeisClayDragon (Whatever you do, don't defenestrate your computer. Defenestration never solves anything. Even if it deletes your reviews. Nah, I'm just kidding. Don't worry about it. As long as you liked the chapter, it's all cool with me. :-))
Zinjah (Yes, I already sent you a PM about your review. I'm sorry if I sounded a little pissed off - kneejerk reaction and all that.)
Aperion (Yay! Another new reviewer - but not a new reader! Thanks for taking the time to let me know you like it. :-) You were very close as regards my location. I'm a little further north - in Scotland, to be precise, hence the British English spelling and other possibly strange idiomatic expressions. Also, you have made a rather shrewd observation on the part of Itachi and Madara. Something is going on, but it's not quite on the level of molestation, lol. Leave that to Oro. XD)
natwel (Hi again! Always good to see you around the fandom. What do you think of the latest Itachi developments? I was happy either way with characterisation - whether he was being the crazy man or the protective brother - but I'm beginning to like the idea of Sasuke being emotionally tortured by the fact he caused his brother's death. I do love a good bit of angst. As far as the fic goes, yes Jiraiya's list was actually based on my own festival list. Obviously, I had to make some Jiraiya-esque additions. Also, I agree with you on Naruto fanboying over Sasuke. I miss his prankster days. :-( )
R. J. Green (Hello there, you rotting corpse of anticipation! XD That is an excellent expression, and I suppose it could work, because technically, there is a lot going on in a rotting corpse... Oh lawdy. Did I just write that? But yes, you are right to be suspicious of the Itachi/Madara thing. There is something going on, but... gah, I would love to tell you, but I can't. Glad you liked Naruto's epic shrine faux-pas. I was dying with laughter when I was writing it.)
Dooki (Hey, I know you! I reviewed your fic the other day. It was pretty damn funny. Cheers for returning the favour, and I hope you liked this chapter. :-))