A Day in the Life
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AN: Zinjah, dude, sorry for the misunderstanding. :-)
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July 23rd
DAY FIVE
My Birthday
11:32am
Thus far upon my special day I have not yet run into any major obstacles. In fact, it is all going rather well – especially since my bus mates, as a treat, agreed to let me off with driving today, which means I had some time to spend with the boss before we dropped him off at the airport. Everyone was surprised to see him, and he was bombarded with questions. The most oft-repeated of those questions was "How on earth did you know where we were?" Wisely, the boss decided to keep quiet about the creepy tracking device and cunningly managed to fob them off by revealing the box of replacement shoes. This, needless to say, caused a genuine frission of excitement throughout the bus and they ran – actually ran – to inspect the contents. Kabuto directed me a significant look, though, which leads me to believe that he either knows or suspects. I'm not surprised in the least. He is the only other person present who has had prior experience of the boss in terms of romance.
I feel I must also report that my present haul was none too shabby either, making up for my being woken at an extraordinarily unsociable hour by an enthusiastic Naruto thrusting a badly wrapped gift under my nose and saying, "Sasuke. Sasuke. Sasuke. Sasuke, dude, wake up. Wake up, I've got your present, Sasuke. Dude. Dude, helloooooo? You awake? You awake, eh? Sasuke? Dude, wake up, it's— Oh, you're awake! Hee! Dude, don't look at me like that, it's your birthday, man, you've gotta be happy! Wha... wait a sec who's that? Oh, hey, Oro! When'd' ya get here? Last night? Sweeeeet. Now tell Sasuke to open his present!"
Not long after that, everyone else surfaced (because when Naruto gets up, everyone else gets up) and sleepily handed over the loot. The gifts were in no way extravagant, but everyone had managed to pick something they knew I would either really love or use, and I much prefer that to anything else. I shall supply my Loot List forthwith.
Official Loot List
The boss: the classical music experience and sex on the roof of a bus.
Naruto: Squee's Wonderful Big Giant Book of Unspeakable Horrors and an I.O.U. one day of complete silence voucher (This, I will definitely use.)
Sakura: Akhnaten by Philip Glass on CD and The Art of Always Being Right by Arthur Schopenhauer (Sakura knows me far too well.)
Kakashi: a huge box of Jelly Belly beans and an utterly fantastic retro ringer shirt bearing the immortal words: "Thousands of my potential children died on your daughter's face last night." (Sakura punched me in the arm when I snorted with laughter, but I am so wearing it at Tea in the Park!)
Kabuto: the new Radiohead album and the Game of the Year edition of Elder Scrolls IV for the PS3.
Jiraiya and Kiku: a pair of gold cufflinks, subtle and stylish with a tiny diamond embedded in the bottom corner of each, and a water bomb launcher (was he really serious about that condom crack?)
Sai: a rather lovely silver Cross fountain pen, a bottle of ink to go with it, a big bag of liquorice and a beautiful notebook with an ink and wash landscape parchment binding (which, Sai said with a smile, he painted himself. I now feel guilty about taping my pube to his bed. But not really.)
A rather lovely set of presents, if I may say so. No cards from the Akatsuki lot yet, but I'll get them soon, no doubt, because we are currently on route to Deidara's house in Iwagakure. How he found out about where we were, I do not know, but I have a suspicion it is something to do with Kabuto. I saw him doing a spot of furtive texting in the upstairs lounge earlier on and the invite was received not long after. Now I know why he wanted to go to Iwagakure when we were planning out our trip. Ah well. I shouldn't complain really, as it means we won't have to stop in at a dodgy, roach-infested motel. Hooray!
LATER:
3:03pm
We have arrived at Deidara's house/studio safe and sound. Having been here for, oh, let's say just over forty-five minutes, I can categorically state that I have acquired many, many first impressions of Iwagakure and its people. Foremost, I would say, is that the locals are mental. Batshit mental. I know now where Deidara gets it from.
When we were driving through town trying to find the way to Deidara's, our bus elicited a variety of reactions from random, local passers-by. Most common among them were: 1) hooting, hollering and waving like a bunch of baboons; 2) issuing forth streams of verbal abuse in the local patois; or 3) picking up a nearby pebble and launching it just as we passed in order to hear the satisfying crack as it bounced off the reinforced glass of the back window. Naruto was driving at the time and Jiraiya wanted him to stop the bus so he could "step out and deal out some serious fucking damage", but we managed to convince him not to. Iwagakure jails are notorious, after all. The minute you set foot in one, you'd likely contract hepatitis or something.
Deidara's house/studio is equally insane. So much so that in order to explain why, I shall have to supply an extra special gaming analogy.
Now, I am not the most avid gamer. I do partake in a spot of it now and again (bloody Kabuto getting me hooked on Elder Scrolls IV – that's three weeks of my life I'll never get back), but I am not what you would call an expert. I do, however, remember a particular game that belonged to Naruto, released fairly soon after the launch of the PSX. It was called Loaded and was set in an insane asylum full of murderous, rampaging lunatics. The object of the game (so far as there was any discernible object) was to blow the living shit out of anything that crossed your path. The concept was nightmarish in the extreme, and you had to fight your way out of a hellish, labyrinthine structure decorated with sprays of dried blood, manacles, stretchers and rusting IV drips. It unnerved me and excited me at the same time, and I have since developed a love for games where you're trapped inside a building, chaos abounding, and you have to shoot your way out. Resident Evil springs immediately to mind, as Deidara's house/studio reminds me uncomfortably of the Arklay mansion in the first instalment of the series.
The reason I describe it as a house/studio, is that even though Deidara has had an extension specially built onto the back of his property to serve as a studio, in reality, his home is his studio. His artwork is crammed into every inch of the place: you turn and strange, gnarled, ghoulish, sculpted apparitions leer at you from sudden corners; violent, swirling abstracts splattered on bare canvas are crammed upon every available inch of wall space; and half-finished projects and dust sheets are littered about everywhere. The first thing I noticed when Deidara opened the door to us, wearing a smock, grinning like a maniac and covered in blue paint, was that there isn't a straight line in the whole damn house. Everything is curved or wavy or pliable somehow – and everything seems to be made of wood. It's like living inside a giant, illuminated tree. I wish I could say that that is the limit to its strangeness. Alas, it is not, for, as Deidara proudly announced while he was giving us the tour, when he designed his house, he included a number of hidden passageways. This announcement creeped me out just a tad, and I instantly had flashbacks to the part in REmake where you come across George Trevor's notes and discover he had tried to escape the mansion for weeks through the secret tunnels only to discover, when he finally became trapped, that the mad bugger he was running from had installed a tombstone with his name carved on it, and had, presumably, planned his demise from the off. When I mentioned this to Deidara, he laughed one of his short, chattering laughs and told me that that had been where he'd got the idea from. Kabuto, Kakashi and I exchanged significant looks.
"And you guys can have fun trying to find them later, if you like!" he chirped as he led us upstairs and round a few corners to the bedrooms. "But if you do, keep your phone on, or it might be a while before I find you, ha ha!"
Given Deidara's track record, that last comment did nothing to reassure me in the least.
It really is a bizarre place. A fitting tribute, I feel, to Deidara's idiosyncratic and twisted genius. Also fitting because some of his bizarre colleagues are also staying. Turns out that Deidara and Sasori have established something of an artists' entente cordiale and have been working together on various projects in their free time that have astounded the art world and shaken it to its core – so much so, that their latest piece has been short listed in the final entries of the annual Gurner Prize. The judges will announce the winner on the 26th at the local gallery and a good chunk of the Akatsuki mob have shown up in order to provide moral support (read: to suppress the outraged cries of any dissenting critics). Kisame, Kakuzu, Hidan, Zetsu and Konan are all here, which means room space is at a premium. Yes, they have already laughed at me for the YouTube video. Despite this, we have graciously agreed to attend the exhibition. I'm bunking in with Naruto and Sakura, Sai and Kakashi are sharing, Jiraiya and Kiku have a room to themselves, and Kabuto and Deidara have already retreated into his bedroom (it is official - they have no shame.)
Well, I suppose I should go retrieve some items of clothing from the bus. I'm glad I brought my black shirt and suit trousers, since we're going to the gallery. Jiraiya and Kiku have some smart clothes too. The others are having to go shopping. Ha! Once again, my uncanny foresight and ability to plan to the last detail proves my supreme awesomeness!
Will write later!
LATER:
A few interesting things have happened so far, not least the prospect of rounding up my birthday with another "first" of sorts. Deidara has offered to paint my portrait, something which I have never had done before. I am not sure whether he will follow up on this, however, as the last time I saw him, one of the aforementioned interesting things that happened had caused him to throw a hissy fit, thus I am not sure if he will be in the right frame of mind to wield a paintbrush without doing serious damage to himself or to others.
I suppose I should tell you what happened. It's quite funny, now that I look back on it. Deidara really is the stereotypically flaky artist. I don't know how Kabuto has managed to put up with him for so long. They're like chalk and cheese, honestly. I have a suspicion that it's all down to them hardly seeing anything of each other. If they'd been together every day since Christmas, it wouldn't have lasted a week, I am sure of it.
But yes, after we unpacked and got settled in, Deidara dragged us all down to his studio to give us a sneak preview of his and Sasori's oh-so-amazing Gurner Prize entry. Sasori didn't want to because he said Deidara had shown it to the Akatsuki lot yesterday, but Deidara kept whining and pestering him until he rolled his eyes and said, "Whatever." We sat on the floor in the studio (which is completely different from the rest of the house, I might add – all clean lines and wide open spaces) and Deidara skipped over to a large, hulking shape covered by a dust sheet. With a flourish, he whipped it off to reveal one of the strangest sculptures I've ever clapped eyes on.
It was a spiral staircase made of ebony wood, standing free on its own, suspended by a series of translucent wires. It was decorated with hundreds of intricate carvings, some clearly Sasori's work (he is by far the more traditional of the two) and others Deidara's. The oddest thing about it, though, was that each stair was slathered in sticky fluids and random objects – the fluids particularly intriguing because they hung in the air, suspended, over the edge of the steps like thin, stringy, glutinous stalagmites.
Deidara grinned at us expectantly as we took in the bewildering sight, and when our rapturous cries of praise were not immediately forthcoming, he asked us if we liked it. Almost too quickly came the answering chorus: "Oh yes, it's wonderful!" "Very thought-provoking." "It's... err... it's great, dude, you guys are way gonna win it!"
Pleased as punch at what he perceived as a positive reaction, Deidara launched forth into an explanation of the meaning of their art.
"It's called Existence," he said proudly. "The stairs represent life – the bottom step is when you're born and you climb up and up and up, with loads of energy at first – that's like when you're a kid – but as you go up, you get slower and slower, labouring every step of the way, until you're near the end, tired and aching – that's old age – and then you hit the top, there's no more steps to take, and you die, and it cuts off in mid-air and the space beyond represents death because obviously we have no idea what comes after death."
"Wow," Kiku breathed, her big blue eyes wide as saucers. "That's, like, way deep."
Deidara nodded. "Yes, and Sasori-danna and I both collaborated in the design. It's modern and traditional. Modern because it's free floating – that was my idea – and traditional because it's sculpted from wood and carved with all those classical figures. Because we were doing a piece about the nature of existence, we wanted to show how life and death are constants, spanning across time, so we made our art mirror life."
"Yah, that's cool and all," Kiku said, cracking her gum with a loud snap that echoed round the room, "but what's that weird, gloopy shit hanging from the stairs?"
Sasori, at this point, felt it prudent that he should have some sort of input into the discussion and said, while casually lighting up a cigarette, "Mostly my spunk."
With that revelation, I must say I was overcome with a sudden fit of tact and I forced my expression into one of polite interest. It took a hell of a lot of effort, I can tell you. I almost ruptured something internal trying not to laugh. Judging by the faces of the rest of my bus mates – even Naruto, who is usually keen on pretty much anything – I was not the only one.
"It's not all yours, Sasori-danna," Deidara said petulantly. "I helped. And I was the one who found out about mixing it with PVA glue to get the icicle effect."
Sasori snorted. "That was only because Kabuto told you. Who was the one who drank that whole bottle of bourbon and industrial coagulant in one go so we could get the puke to stick on the stairs?"
"Here we go again..." Kisame said darkly, leaning over and muttering in my ear. "They've been like this for months."
"Really?" I said. "How do you guys put up with them?"
"We don't. We either ignore them or make them leave the room. There's no talking to them when they're like this."
"— I poisoned myself, Deidara. I almost died because you were too high to lower me down from the harness and take me to hospital. And Itachi shouted at me because I couldn't show up for work the next day."
"You have to suffer for your art, as well you know, Sasori-danna. I was the one who volunteered to cut my wrists to get the blood, and when I fainted and hit my head, you just laughed!"
"Well? It was funny. At least I took you to hospital."
At that point, Deidara and Sasori were eyeballing each other in an ominous manner, so I, true to my nature, smoothed matters over and played damage control by being charming and profuse in my insincere praise of their (frankly gross) piece of weirdness. As usual, I was successful, and they were soon reconciled: Sasori having reverted back to his cigarettes and surly silence and Deidara chattering manically and jittering around the room as if nothing had happened. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I am so good. Unfortunately, though, I was unable to prevent the following incident, it being beyond even my considerable power to absorb the trans-stupid stupidity of Kakuzu and Hidan.
A while after the almost-argument, Deidara and I were talking away quite the thing when he suddenly announced that he wanted to paint my portrait. Initially, I wasn't too sure about the idea and I said so repeatedly. To convince me otherwise, Deidara got up and showed us the portrait of Konan he did the day before. Of course, we weren't told it was Konan right off the bat and we were forced to participate in an inane guessing game.
We were confronted with what looked like a large stretch of canvas – every inch covered in glossy blue paint. Deidara beamed at us and said, "Guess who it is! Guess who it is!"
"Uhh..." Jiraiya offered, scratching his head and offering me a bemused look, "Is it Kisame?"
Deidara rolled his eyes. "Jiraiya," he said in a sanctimonious tone, "don't be stupid. It's so obvious."
"Itachi?" Kakashi offered hopefully.
"Of course not!" he huffed, striding over to another canvas that was basically a square of glossy black. "This is Itachi."
"Oh, right. Sorry. My mistake."
"Is it, like, your mum or something?" Kiku ventured, safely ensconced in Jiraiya's arms and therefore immune from any outright hostility.
This was greeted by a snort of laughter from Deidara. "Pfft, I don't know her," he said with a dismissive wave of a hand.
Then Sai, the fellow artist, popped up to save the day and thus prevented us being kicked out and onto the road again by an increasingly offended Deidara. "It's Konan, I think," he said with a polite nod to the woman in question. "Her personality really is quite blue – you've got it spot on there."
Deidara's mouth fell open in a comical expression of pleased disbelief. "Yes!" he shrieked, throwing his hands in the air. "That is exactly what I was going for! What was your name again?"
Sai rose and walked over to the "portrait" in order to better examine it. "It's Sai," he replied, smiling one of his infuriating Sai smiles. "And I like what you've done with the areas of more concentrated pigment. Very subtle. The paint's really quite thick, too, where did you get it?"
By this time, a previously disinterested Sasori's head had swung in Sai's direction, observing him a little too closely. Deidara was beside himself with delight.
"I make my own paint," he said, swelling up with pride.
For a dreaded moment, Deidara looked as though he was about to launch into a terrifyingly in-depth account of how he went about his paint making process, but Hidan, observing the portrait with a critical eye, piped up and spoiled it all (read: saved us from never-ending boredom). Clearing his throat, he said loudly, "I dunno what you're talking about. It's shit. It's the worst painting I've ever seen. It doesn't even look like Konan. It's just blue. Kakuzu, I'm right, yeah?"
"Absolutely," Kakuzu concurred, inspecting his nails in a bored fashion. "My senile old grandmother could make more attractive splatters on canvas with her colostomy bag."
Needless to say, Kakuzu and Hidan's critique did not go down well. Their tactless remarks caused Deidara to throw a rather violent artist's strop, in which he burst into hysterical, furious tears and proceeded to launch paint pot missiles in the general direction of his detractors whilst railing against their stupidity. Wisely, the others took this as a sign that it would be a good time to go shopping and cleared out sharpish. Alas, Kisame and I did not have that excuse, and, being caught between them and the door, we were forced to watch much of the carnage unfold before Deidara became so distracted we were able to flee unnoticed.
"YOU TWO!" Deidara sobbed, as he flounced around knocking over tables in a rage. "YOU TWO ALWAYS FUCKING RUIN EVERYTHING!"
"No we don't," Kakuzu called out from behind an upturned table. "We were just expressing an opinion. It's not our fault you can't take crit."
"SHUT UP! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR ASININE OPINIONS. WHY WOULD I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK? YOU'RE SUCH DICKS SOMETIMES, IT MAKES ME ILL! BLOODY PHILISTINES! YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MY WORK— NOTHING!"
Hidan's head popped up briefly over the makeshift parapet, only to disappear in a flash as a great gobbet of wet clay hit it with a slap, missing his face by inches.
"We don't need to know anything about your work to know that it's shit!" he called out. "All you did is cover a bit of cloth in blue. A retarded monkey could do that! Oh no... wait... I get it now, that's you isn't it, Dei?"
This last remark tipped Deidara over the edge and he started screaming incoherently and tearing at his hair and flailing like a mad thing on crack. It was quite intimidating. Kisame and I chose that moment to take our leave, so I was not party to any further events that transpired, but I have since learned that he eventually threw Kakuzu and Hidan out. Zetsu said they're staying at a hotel down the road. Serves them right for being arseholes. I mean seriously, what is wrong with some people? Is it that hard to keep one's big fat trap shut for the sake of maintaining peace and good relations with other human beings? I despair sometimes, I truly do.
Anyway, when Kisame and I escaped the studio, leaving the crashes and bangs behind us, we found Jiraiya, Kiku and Konan loitering in the hall. Jiraiya and Konan were chatting away quite the thing, as though they'd known each other for years. It soon emerged that they had, in fact, known each other for years, and that they'd first met at some fancy dinner when the boss was still working for Konoha-Suna and the Akatsuki group was in its infancy.
"Yeah, it's great to finally get the chance to catch up," Jiraiya said, grinning at Konan, who smiled back graciously. "And you look amazing. Really."
It was at this point I first noticed that Kiku was not best pleased with the conversational triangle she had found herself in. I would venture to guess that this was because Konan, like Kiku, is very good-looking but in a completely different way. While Kiku is blonde and tanned and perky and all tight halter-tops and low riders, Konan is a dark beauty, pale as parchment, quietly spoken and graceful in her deportment. Clearly, Kiku had never come up against someone like Konan before and was feeling a shade threatened. As her significant other and his old friend exchanged compliments, her normally bright and bubbly youthful visage grew darker and darker until she was clinging onto Jiraiya's arm, pressing herself against him and pouting, one foot placed slightly in front of him as if to say: "Hands off, blue-haired bitch, he's mine."
The technique seemed to work, as Konan was forced to turned her attention to her.
"And you must be Kiku," she said politely, inclining her head.
"Yah, that's me," Kiku replied, tilting her head to one side and chewing her gum in a confrontational manner. "Why?"
"I saw your photograph in the paper. The one where you're in Konoha with Jiraiya. You looked very pretty in that dress."
"Yah, well, I do try," Kiku said, tossing her hair and pulling off an uncanny impression of the boss.
"So what is it you do?" Konan continued, seeking to make polite conversation. "Are you..." she ventured hesitantly, clocking Kiku's comparatively young age and obviously unsure whether she should bring it up, "... are you still at school, or...?"
"Nah, I'm not at school anymore. I graduated, like, a month ago or something. Did really well in all my exams – I got all As except for one D, but that didn't matter cos it was, like, in math and I really hate that. Didn't go to the grad ceremony, though, cos I couldn't get time off cos I was, like, working real hard that week."
"Oh!" Konan exclaimed in polite surprise. "That's wonderful. Where do you work?"
Kiku cracked her gum and smiled proudly. "I'm Oro's PA."
Konan's eyes widened, and even she was unable to conceal her surprise. "O-Oh..." she said, and as she did I could practically feel her reaching for something positive to say. She settled on, "I suppose you took over for Sasuke?"
"Yes, that's right," I said hastily, interrupting, as I knew the conversation was doomed to failure if I didn't do something. "Orochimaru-sama is really quite happy with her. She's excellent with the clients."
"Yah, that's right," Kiku said, beaming. "Oro said all I have to do is make them tea and flirt with them a bit and undo the top button on my blouse. It's way easy!"
It was then that Jiraiya decided to re-enter the conversation. Instantly, his head spun round to look at Kiku, his eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Oro said what?"
Kiku remained supremely unperturbed, though, and, stretching a hand up to stroke the side of Jiraiya's face, she said, "It's just work. Don't get all pissy, babe. You're the best."
She punctuated this by rising up on tiptoe and planting a kiss on the underside of Jiraiya's chin (the size difference between the two of them really is quite hilarious – there is exactly a foot between them. At least the boss and I are more or less the same height.) Kiku's kisses must have some sort of mollifying effect, as Jiraiya's expression instantly melted into what I can only describe as goofy in the extreme. Then he turned to Kisame and I and grinned moronically as if to say, "Yeah, I am, aren't I?" Kisame rolled his eyes and we both looked at each other and smirked.
Jiraiya and Kiku then took this as a cue to start canoodling in public (as is their wont) and I decided I'd go wait in my room for the others to get back. Kisame and Konan came with me and we had a nice chat about the life, the universe and everything. This is also known as "work". During our conversation, I learned that everyone hates my fuckwit uncle Madara with a passion. Unsurprising, I know. This is because he has decided he wants to completely overhaul the company and, in order to do so, has placed quite the burden of work on the higher-ups. In protest, they're all taking a few days off en-masse and have used the Gurner Prize ceremony as an excuse. True to form, Itachi is not taking part and is continuing to work himself into the ground for the Grand High Arsehole of Akatsuki. What an ass.
July 24th
DAY SIX
It may surprise you to know that I spent a night in the company of Deidara, Sasori and the rest of the Akatsuki mob and I am not drunk. That's right. For once in my life, I have exercised self-control. I have not touched a drop of alcohol and have been on fruit juice since we arrived. I AM ABSTINENCE! HEAR ME RAWR!
It may also interest you to know that I am now the subject of a Deidara original (24 x 18", painted with mystery paint on canvas) dubbed: "Uchiha Sex-Child of Fire and Ice". I don't think my brother would approve of the title. You can't tell it's me, though, for Deidara seems to paint somewhat unconventional portraits.
After Kisame and Konan departed yesterday afternoon, the suffering artist surfaced eventually from his studio and came to find me in my room. Sniffing slightly and red-eyed, he muttered, "You still want me to paint you?"
I said yes, that would be lovely, and I trailed after him, taking a detour via a concealed panel halfway down the corridor that ended us climbing through a trapdoor that led to the studio (it was dark, gloomy and there were weird paintings on the walls. Yes, I was scared, but I didn't say anything). Once there, he sat me down on a chair, arranged my position to his liking and retreated behind his easel. For a while, we sat there in silence, but that is quite unlike Deidara, and when he cheered up a bit, he started to talk.
It was interesting listening to him in a way, because I've never encountered Deidara in the domestic environment before – only at parties or functions where he's usually so smashed his eyes don't always face in the same direction – and it was strange hearing him speak about his hopes and his dreams and his art.
"Don't tell anyone I told you this, Sasuke," he said, his voice muffled because he had a brush clenched between his teeth, "but Sasori and I are thinking about quitting."
My eyebrows shot up in surprise, causing Deidara to scold me because he was in the middle of doing them, and I ironed my face and tried to compose myself.
"Why?" I asked, while trying my best not to move my lips too much.
"Well..." he said matter-of-factly, "Hmm... now don't take this the wrong way, Sasuke, but to be honest, it's because of your uncle."
I snorted with derision. "Why does that not surprise me?" I said, astonishing myself with the degree of bitter sarcasm that slipped out of my mouth.
Bewildered, Deidara threw me a curious look from over his easel, and I sighed and added, "You needn't worry, Deidara. Say what you like. I hate him. He's a total prick. He turned up at the boss's at Christmas and insulted everyone, then he stopped me talking to Itachi. Not that I care, because he's a prick too."
Encouraged by my response, Deidara threw his hands in the hair and said, "Thank god, Sasuke. Thank god you see it. I swear, I don't know what's the matter with your brother. He's usually such a good judge of character. I guess he's got a blind spot when it comes to family. Not that it's doing him much good, because I swear all he does now is work."
I rolled my eyes. "Well if he wants to be my uncle's lackey, then let him. I don't give a shit about him anymore."
"That's unfortunate, since he still gives a shit about you," Deidara laughed, his eyes on the canvas. "He hardly ever talks now – even to Kisame – but when he does, it's all, 'Have you heard from Sasuke? How is Sasuke? Has Sasuke spoken to you lately? Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke.' You're all he talks about."
"What?"
"Honestly," Deidara said brightly. "I'm not lying. And I must say he wasn't pleased at that YouTube video."
"Oh hell..."
"Yeah. We didn't tell him about it. He found it on his own a day after. He fell out with us because we kept it a secret."
"Ha ha. Serves him right, the jerk."
"Yeah, that's another reason why we want to quit. Your uncle's Draconian regime's got us all on edge. I can't take the fall-outs and back-biting anymore. Kakuzu's become nigh unbearable."
"So what are you going to do instead if you leave?"
"Art. If we quit, we can devote ourselves to it full-time. The last piece we put up for sale at auction in Konoha earned us ¥150,000,000. We're really beginning to make a name for ourselves – and if we win the Gurner tomorrow," he added, his eyes glittering with anticipation, "the sky's the limit..."
In all honesty, if Deidara and Sasori decide to leave Akatsuki behind them, I'd support them fully. They're definitely mentally ill enough to make it in the art world, and their conceptual stuff is sufficiently incomprehensible as to impress and baffle even the most pretentious of critics. And if all else fails, Sasori is a proper traditional sculptor, and Deidara can actually draw and paint, so they could always make good money doing commissions. I would definitely advise against Deidara painting his conceptual portraits, for though he put a little more thought into mine (or at least that's how I see it), it's still... well... abstract.
What he did was to paint me in a conventional manner (i.e. you could tell it was me a mile off) and used a blue tone. Then, while the paint was still wet, he dipped each finger in a splodge of different colours of red and then destroyed the painting by swirling the red through it. Deidara was really pleased with it – so much so that he's decided he wants to take it to his next exhibition. I was a bit bemused by it, to be honest, and it struck me as bearing an unwelcome resemblance to the Mr Twisty face paedophile who was on the news not long ago. Nevertheless, it is much more interesting than the ones of my brother and Konan, so I shouldn't complain. I asked him if I could purchase it after he finished with it, but Deidara gave me a cheeky wink and said he was going to give the boss first dibs on it. Ugh. How embarrassing (though I'd wager the boss would very much approve of the title, and he has more money than me, so I guess Deidara isn't as stupid as he looks.)
Aside from portrait painting, I have other news to report. I say 'news'. It's more like gossip. Apparently, Sasori decided to accompany the others on their shopping trip yesterday (incredibly unlike him – he is antisocial at the best of times) and he stuck to Sai like glue the whole time. He also bought Sai a coffee and – or so I was told by Sakura who was giggling evilly while she divulged her sordid information – they spent hours at the art store poring over pencils and paper. Naruto said they only spoke to each other the whole time they were there and that all they talked about was, "Art this, art that! Seriously, dude, I mean I like art and stuff but I'm way bored with that crap now."
We spent quite a while going over the available evidence (I told them I saw Sasori staring at Sai yesterday before Deidara went off on one) and we eventually came to the conclusion that Sasori might be wanting to get into Sai's pants. It is a thought that profoundly disturbs me, I have to admit. The thought of Sasori ever entertaining carnal thoughts about another human being (and I doubt he is one sometimes) just does not compute. It breaks my brain and makes me feel itchy, like I want to wash my mind out with boiling water and a scouring pad.
Luckily for me, it's never going to happen. Sai is purer than the driven snow and the only person who gets to (metaphorically) shaft him is Danzou. Oh, Sasori! If only you knew!
LATER:
MY EYES!! OH, MY EYES!! Ohgodohgodohgod...
Why do these things always happen to me? WHY, DAMMIT, WHY?!
LATER:
Guh...
Okay. I think I'm calm enough to write down what happened. Maybe. Yes, Sasuke. Yes you are calm enough. If you don't get it out of your system now you never will.
Right...
So...
Picture this: Kakashi, bored and wanting someone to hang out with, decided to come visit me in my room. Upon finding me, he suggested we take up Deidara's offer to see how many of the freaky hidden secret places we can find around the house. Also bored, I shrugged my shoulders, thinking 'why the hell not?' and followed him out of the room. We spent the next hour or so wandering around and found a secret bathroom behind a bookcase; a secret bookcase behind a bookcase (stacked with erotic novels and porn mags); a passage under the stairs that led past the kitchen with a spy hole you could look out of; and a long, dead-end corridor with nothing in it but an incredibly sinister painting of a little boy, a doll-thing and hands pressing against a glass door. While waiting for our next discovery, milling around aimlessly, Kakashi decided to play silly buggers and clipped the back of my heel causing me to stumble and fall to the floor in a decidedly ungraceful manner. Too busy laughing his idiot head off, Kakashi almost did not notice what I had noticed: in my fall, I had turned up the corner of a rug, revealing the hinge of a trap door. Once I pointed this out to him, he instantly claimed the find as his on the grounds that had he not tripped me up, we wouldn't have found it. I told him to shut the hell up and that the find was mine because my bruised knees said so – and if he didn't agree, then he would soon find himself similarly bruised.
The matter settled, we opened the trap door and headed down the wooden ladder to find ourselves in a dark, narrow corridor. Unfortunately, what little light we had left was snuffed out as the door swung shut above us. All attempts to open it from the inside proved futile, and when it was established that neither one of us had remembered to bring our phones, I succumbed to a small freak out in which I sank to my knees and rocked back and forth, thinking of Resident Evil. An indeterminate amount of time later, Kakashi finally managed to bring me round, saying that if we walked along a bit, we might find a way out. This seeming a sensible suggestion, I agreed. Turning the first corner, we spotted a pinprick of light. It lured us in like an angler fish, Kakashi and I elbowing and butt-checking each other to get to it first. What we found excited us and creeped us out in equal measure.
It was a spy hole.
Through it, we could see Kisame lying on his bed reading a book. Zetsu was sitting on the floor watching TV and we could hear Konan on the phone to Nagato. Suddenly, being stuck there in the pitch black corridor wasn't so bad after all, and I could feel an evil, evil grin creeping over my face. Shushing each other and trying to stifle our giggles, we fumbled about until we found another spot of light. Once again, it was a spy hole into a bedroom, this time Jiraiya and Kiku's. Thankfully, they weren't doing anything R-rated. Kiku was prancing about in her underwear, listening to her iPod, and Jiraiya was presumably in the shower because we could hear the faint roar of steam and running water from where we stood peeping in at them like a pair of perverts. Kakashi resisted when I got bored and attempted to pull him away, saying, "Come on, Sasuke! When am I ever going to get a chance like this again?" to which I replied, "Yes, that's a fair point, but are you willing to risk the sight of Jiraiya's full-frontal nakidity when he comes out of that shower?"
"Let's go," Kakashi muttered, grabbing me by the hand and hastily propelling me forward.
It was when we hit our third spy hole that things started to get nasty.
Peeking through it, desperately trying to stifle my sniggers, I discerned the form of Sasori stretched across his bed and staring at the ceiling. The room had the air of being frequently used, as there were loads of sketches pinned on the walls and half-finished projects lying around, leading me to believe this was "Sasori's room" whenever he came to stay. He was wearing clothes designed for lounging around – an oversized white shirt and shorts – and didn't seem to be doing much of anything. It was really quite boring, and we were about to leave for spyholes new when there was a knock at his door.
Instantly, Sasori's eyes darted towards the door and he vaulted from his bed, taking a few giant, moon-steps over to the mirrored dressing table.
"Oh my god, check him out!" I whispered to Kakashi, smirking, as Sasori had grabbed an eyeliner pencil and was applying a fresh layer in an uncharacteristically hurried manner.
"Just a minute," he called out to whoever was waiting. Then, after taking a moment to ruffle his hair and check his appearance, he bounded over to the door and stopped to take a breath and pretend he was all cool and disinterested (an action that made Kakashi snort with laughter) before opening it.
"Hi, Sasori!" a familiar and irritatingly polite voice intoned. "You said I could come along at the mall yesterday. I hope I'm not disturbing you?"
"That's okay," Sasori replied. He ran a hand through his hair and tilted his head to the side in a surly but not uninviting way. "I was working on something, but it can wait."
"What a liar!" I heard Kakashi exclaim in amused outrage.
"You wanna come in?" Sasori asked.
"Sure!"
The door clicked closed and Sai appeared, following after Sasori and looking about the room, evidently impressed by all the drawings.
"Wow," he said. "These are fantastic. You really are very talented."
Sasori shrugged and extricated a packet of cigarettes from his back pocket. Lighting one for himself, he offered one to Sai.
"Oh no, I don't smoke," Sai replied graciously. "Well... what I mean to say is, I've never tried."
"You wanna try one?"
"Alright," Sai said happily, taking the proffered cigarette.
At this Kakashi sniggered and whispered, "Is that like flowers or something from Sasori?"
"Must be," I chortled. "Everyone else is content with red roses, but for Sasori it's a twenty pack of Marlborough lights."
We had to retreat for a moment because we were laughing too much, but when we came back, the two artists were sat on the bed together, smoking.
"It's not that bad, actually," Sai said, pondering the slim, filter-tipped, nicotine menace he held in his hand.
"I've got some other stuff in the bathroom if you want to try that."
"What, you mean like weed?"
"Yeah."
"I tried that already at Nagato-san's party, but thank you for offering."
There was a long pause in which the two men seemed content to smoke in silence. Sasori took a deep, final drag, which meant he finished his smoke first and was free to sit and stare at Sai. Then he broke the silence and said, "I really want to fuck you."
I swear to you, my jaw nearly hit the floor.
"Sorry, what?" Sai said, turning to face Sasori and smiling at him.
"I really want to fuck you," he replied, repeating his position with astonishing frankness. "Quite a lot."
"That's what I thought you said," Sai said chirpily.
"Right. So what do you think?" Sasori ventured, his head cocked to one side. "Do you want to?"
Sai looked thoughtful for a moment – only a moment – before he smiled widely and said, "If you insist."
Beside me, Kakashi's hand slapped across his mouth. "No way," he breathed, his eyes wide with dread. "No way! Is he actually going to—? Oh god. Oh god..."
I swear to you, as soon as Sai gave his consent, Sasori sprung into action like a seasoned, sex-starved trooper who'd seen too much action of the military kind and too little of the other. With dextrous hands, he undid shoelaces, peeled off socks and loosened ties. Flipping Sai over, he straddled him and pinned him down while reaching over to the drawers beside his bed, pulling out a small, half-empty tube of lube.
"I must say though," Sai called out in a muffled voice, attempting to divest himself of his high collared shirt, "I feel I must warn you. I've never really done this sort of thing before."
Sasori did not miss a beat. With an expression of single-minded concentration that surfaces only in the seconds before one is about to score, he tossed the small, curled up tube aside and dug around a little deeper in the drawer and pulled out a newer looking jumbo-sized one.
We didn't stay to see what happened after that because, horrified, we upped and ran back along the corridor and hammered on the trapdoor, yelling at the tops of our lungs, until Zetsu and Deidara heard us. Flustered and red faced, we emerged from the murky depths of filthdom, gazing upon our host in a completely new, and not entirely favourable, light.
"YOUUUUUUU!!" I howled, thrusting an accusing finger in his face, incapable at that juncture of forming more sophisticated utterances.
"So you found the spyholes then?" Zetsu said, in the same manner as if he'd said nothing more sinister than, "So you've found your keys then?"
"Yes we found the damn spyholes!" I hissed.
"Wait a minute... you know about them?" Kakashi said, making the connection I was too frazzled to discover. Zetsu nodded. There was a pause, then he added, "Does everyone know about them?"
"Yup," Zetsu said. "Well, everyone in Akatsuki does. Maybe not Hidan, though, he's still quite new. Oro found them ages ago and wreaked havoc."
"But what's going on down there?" Deidara said, a wolfish smile on his face. "You saw something didn't you?"
Kakashi and I grimaced and remained stone faced. "Look, Deidara," Kakashi said frankly. "Don't go down there—"
I swear there was a thunderclap, Deidara moved that fast. He was down the ladders like a shot, leaving the three of us standing there, shuffling our feet awkwardly, fearing the sight of another rounding the corner and asking, in all innocence, what we were up to. The next minute, Deidara's head popped up. The grin plastered on his face was truly evil.
"It's Sasori," he said triumphantly. "He's plugged up the spyhole. Go on, what's he up to, Uchiha."
"I'm not telling you!" I said agitatedly, my voice getting higher as a fierce blush blazed across my cheeks, betraying my profound embarrassment of having witnessed the preliminaries of Sai losing his virginity.
"Tell me," he said, "or I'll tell Sasori you two were spying on him."
"No!"
"I'll do it!" he threatened, jumping up and closing the trap door behind him.
"Fine, if you promise you won't tell—"
"I am the soul of discretion," he said gravely, putting his hand on his heart with a dramatic flourish.
I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. Then, lowering my voice, with great reluctance, I muttered, "He's in there with Sai."
Deidara let out a great whooping cackle of laughter that made me jump, and before I could stop him, he was tearing down the corridor shouting, "Zetsu, come on! I'm gonna get my camera!"
Zetsu shrugged and made to follow after him, but Kakashi caught him by the shoulder and said, "If you tell anyone we told you..."
"Relax," he said. "I'm going back to my room. There's gonna be carnage. Best if you guys keep a low profile for a bit."
Kakashi and I exchanged a nervous glance and, thinking this a grand idea, we parted ways with Zetsu and headed for my room. Sakura and Naruto were hanging out inside, playing cards. It only took one glance at our ashen faces for them to realise something was up, and so we began to relate our sordid tale to them, but it was interrupted halfway through by a lot of yelling and crashing and banging. Curious, Naruto ambled over to the door (despite us warning him not to) and he popped his head out just in time to see Deidara sprinting past, waving a camera around and laughing hysterically, closely pursued by Sasori, wearing only a bedsheet, armed with a chisel and incandescent with rage.
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, DEIDARA!!" he howled as he barrelled past us, stirring up a breeze that fluttered Naruto's hair. "I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU AND FUCK YOUR LIFELESS CORPSE!!"
As they rounded the corner (in my head, I added tyre-screech sound effects), Naruto shut the door and, scratching his head, said, "What the hell was all that about?"
By the time we finished our tale, he had a pretty good idea, and he was rolling about the floor laughing like a hyena on crack. He was laughing so hard at one point, I had to physically restrain him and shove a sock in his mouth in case Sasori came back in and heard. I didn't much fancy getting on his bad side at that point, since it was technically my fault Deidara found out in the first place. Sakura was also amused and she expressed an interest in discovering the spy holes for herself. Kakashi got a bit angry at that point and made her swear she wouldn't. She did swear, but I bet she'll go looking later.
I'd better search our room for the spyholes and plug them up, just in case. And maybe I'll put a chair up against the door as well in case Sasori catches Deidara and he grasses us in under duress (read: agonising chisel torture). Oh well. At least I'm not as bad off as Kakashi. He needs to share a room with Sai and face him later on. Hilarity.
Oh how glad I am we decided to visit!
July 25th
DAY SEVEN
It is the day of the announcement of the Gurner Prize and we are just about to leave for the gallery. I have managed to be ready early, so I'll just update this thing since I have a spare fifteen minutes or so before the car comes to collect us. The lorry showed up at six this morning to take the exhibition pieces away and Sasori and Deidara went along with it. I hope they have not killed each other by the time we get there.
The good news is that Sasori has not found out about my role in the incident. Against all hope and expectation, Deidara remained true to his word. I'm assuming Sasori believes Deidara went down there on his own volition, and Kakashi and I are quite happy for it to stay that way. I also feel I redeemed myself somewhat by successfully convincing Sasori not to smash up their Gurner piece. Deidara was a little too fast for him, and Sasori, in a fit of rage and unable to catch him, picked up one of his hand axes and threatened to destroy Existence. Naturally, I was called in to play damage control, and I managed to talk him out of it with my superior peacemaking skills. I eventually got to bed at around two-thirty in the morning.
The bad news is that Deidara and Sasori are still not speaking to each other. Well, Deidara is quite willing to speak, but Sasori has not yet forgiven him and has rebuffed all his attempts at reconciliation with variations on a theme of monosyllabic grunts. I just hope they can put it aside for the prize giving, otherwise the whole thing's going to be excruciating.
But I'd better go. Konan's just knocked on the door and says the car'll be here in five minutes.
Will write later!
LATER:
As of now, I am back on speaking terms with my brother. I don't know what to think about it, though, because no one is supposed to know. At least, that's what Itachi said...
I guess I'd better explain. It might make more sense that way, though I doubt it somehow. Anything that could potentially straighten things out in my mind is welcome, I suppose, so here goes.
The car arrived to pick us up at 6:45 and arrived at the Iwagakure Gallery of Modern Art at 7:15. My first impression of the place was not favourable. The architect must've been having an off day when he designed it because it was a dismal, grey brick monstrosity. It looked more like a prison than an art gallery. Outside, the press were waiting, snapping away, and to my surprise some of them were calling my name.
"Uchiha-san! Uchiha-san!" the yelled, struggling to make themselves heard over the chattering flashbulbs.
I'm still a bit nervous and unsure in front of the press (mental note: get some pointers from the boss), so I gave them a wave and a smile before heading in. They were also calling for Kiku, who looked very fashionable and Bohemian in a pair of short shorts, a tunic top and a huge pair of sunglasses. I have the sinking suspicion she has become something of a pin-up (something that would not bother Jiraiya in the slightest as long as he's the one who gets to "hit it".)
Once we had successfully negotiated the press gauntlet and found ourselves safely inside the building, my impressions of the gallery were not improved. The interior resembled an aircraft hangar and possessed all the charm of one. There were quite a lot of people milling around, and I grabbed a glass of champagne from a passing waiter. Konan announced that she was going off to look for Nagato. Then Zetsu and Kisame spotted Hidan and Kakuzu and wandered off to speak to them. Everyone else dispersed after that, intent on having a look round before the prize winner was announced. Because conceptual art baffles me (and I don't mind admitting it), it didn't take me long to whiz round the exhibits. Each of the artists had a room in which to display their talent. Four entrants were short-listed this year and I shall supply below a brief summary of their exhibited work and my verdict.
Gurner Prize shortlist 2008:
Bob Hoskins – "You Bitch, I hope you get syphilis and die."
This piece was basically a letter written by Bob Hoskins (not the actor I was disappointed to discover) to his ex on A4 lined paper. I couldn't get close enough to see the actual letter, but the little square on the wall told me that Hoskins had artfully spat on it prior to sending. It was no match for the epic volume of bodily fluids present in Deidara and Sasori's exhibit, however. I think Existence may have spoiled me for them. There were a few other pieces of his work there too, namely a giant mosaic dinosaur and a brass box. I understood the significance of neither, but the dinosaur was at least pretty to look at. I gave this one 5.5/10, mainly because of the dinosaur.
Clarissa Benton-Horridge – "Dance, monkey, dance!"
This was by far the most entertaining exhibit, as it was made to be interactive. It looked like an empty room with a dull grey carpet, but one hundred tiny sensors had been installed, so that when one walked over a particular spot, it lit up and sounded a note. It generated quite a lot of interest, and only two people were allowed in at a time. Naruto and Jiraiya teamed up and managed to cobble together a duet to the Beverly Hills Cop theme, to the delight of the assembled onlookers. I am not sure if that is what the artist had in mind. Due to the hilarious kitsch value and potential for abuse, I gave this one 8/10.
Hitori Momoko – "0"
This was the worst of the lot. Along with a small crowd of art fags and dealers, I was hustled into a dark room with a single black and white TV screen mounted on the far end wall showing a guy repeating the words 'Over and over again' over and over again. I could barely conceal my sneer of disgust. Within minutes, I'd gotten bored and walked out. This goes to show that multimedia installations are total bullcrap and that whichever pretentious artfag decided to shortlist this must be brain-dead. I gave this one -1/10.
Deidara and Sasori – "Existence"
When I finally got round to their room, it was already pretty crowded. I could hear people saying that this was the favourite to win, and, seeing it installed and prettied up, I was inclined to agree with them. Over by the window, Deidara was holding court over a throng of admirers and Sasori was standing in a corner chatting to Sai (I guess the untimely interruption did nothing to snuff out the spark of attraction). Chiyo and the rest of the Suna lot were there too, and I could hear her old lady voice rising above the rabble in the room, "Yes, he's my grandson, you know..."
Because their exhibit did not take up the whole space, like Bob Hoskins, they were able to put a few other pieces in. I stopped dead when I saw my portrait hanging up on the wall, the little square of commentary beside it reading: "Uchiha Sex Child of Fire and Ice" as bold as brass. Cringing with embarrassment, I made to turn and leave, but Deidara spotted me.
"BABY UCHIHA!" he shrieked over the heads of his admirers. Already, it seemed, he was in full party mode. His pupils were like saucers. "I PUT IT IN, SASUKE! I TOLD YOU I LIKED IT! AND ORO SAID HE WANTS TO BUY IT, SO YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK, YOU SEXY SEX SEX!"
I nodded weakly and pretended to be busy inspecting my portrait. Thanks to Deidara's outburst, people began to look at me and whisper and point. I suddenly felt that a spot of agonising chisel torture would not have been such a bad thing for him after all.
"That's Uchiha Sasuke, isn't it?"
"Yeah, I saw him on that YouTube video. What, you haven't seen it? Giles, you simply must google it when you get back..."
"Deidara-sensei must've painted him!"
"Oh, how lucky! I wish he'd paint me."
"He's quite pretty close up, isn't he?"
Taking a deep breath, I tried to compose myself and forget about everyone around me – and so engrossed was I in this enterprise that I did not notice that my brother had come and stood right at my shoulder. Hence the reason I twitched and went "Aaahhaaa!" when his monotonous drone, so familiar even after half a year's absence, intoned, "I am not sure I approve of the title. I may have to have words with Deidara later."
Clutching at my chest while attempting to filter some oxygen into my shocked system and making wheezing noises like Fatty McGee, I turned to face Itachi. The first thing that struck me was that he was wearing a kimono and he had left his hair long, which was unlike him. The kimono, however, was solid black, which is entirely like him, so it wasn't too unfamiliar a sight. In hindsight, I would like to think that familiarity, however superficial, gave me hope.
"I-Itachi..." I spluttered eventually, giving him an incredulous stare. "What are you doing here?"
"Like you, Sasuke, I am here to extend my support to Deidara and Sasori on this most important occasion," he replied, as if it were the most logical thing in the world (which it kind of was, but I'm not letting him have it.)
"Yeah, but Deidara said you weren't coming because you had work," I said.
"Madara-ojisan decided to accompany me," he replied, his eyes fixed straight ahead. "He concluded that it would be best to show solidarity and support our colleagues."
My face twisted into a grimace of disgust that cannot have gone unnoticed by my freakily observant brother. I snorted with derision and said, "Yes. What you mean to say is that he wasn't too happy about everyone taking three days off and has come to remind them about it in an insidious way that is, may I say, quite characteristic of him."
When Itachi said nothing in reply, my patience began to wear thin as I began to remember why I hadn't spoken to him in six months.
"Look, whatever, Itachi," I said, rolling my eyes and turning away. "Go and find Uncle Madara or something. I'll see you later..."
I started to push my way through the crowd, but Itachi grabbed my shoulder.
"Itachi, seriously," I snapped, batting his hand away. "Would you just fuck off and leave me alone? You're pissing me off... Itachi? Are you okay?"
My acerbic words died in my mouth when I saw the look on Itachi's face. I'd seen it before, and it had unnerved me as much then as it did at the gallery. It was the same look as he'd given me on Christmas day when we came back from playing laser tag after Madara had gone: that odd, intense look with the tiniest, tiniest insistent glimmer of desperation.
"Wha—?" I began, before I felt his hand wrap around mine and the next thing I knew, I was being dragged into the nearest men's room.
Inside, it was empty, the only sounds that of the recently used hand dryer still roaring away and a running tap. Letting go of my hand, Itachi shoved me inside and slammed the door behind him. Then he started pacing the length of the restroom, back and forth a couple of times, before he stopped dead and stared at me again in that weird, intense way.
"Itachi—" I ventured nervously, seriously wondering what was going on inside his head, when he held up a hand, silencing me.
"Sasuke," he began hesitantly, his voice oddly quiet, his eyes never leaving mine. "I know you know something is wrong, and more than anything I want to tell you."
"Then tell me," I said, encouraging but not smiling, as a laid a hand on his shoulder. "Just tell me, Itachi, if it's getting to you that much."
"I can't," he said, turning his eyes to the ceiling. "And I don't know if I'll ever be able to..."
My face fell, and Itachi saw it.
"But I hate not speaking to you, Sasuke," he added, his hand dipping into the folds of his kimono and reappearing with a sleek, black cell phone. "So please take this. I have the other and my number is programmed into it."
"Okay," I said warily, accepting the phone.
"I can also send and receive e-mail on it. My new address is donkey underscore puncher at hotmail dot com."
"Donkey puncher?" I repeated flatly, raising my eyebrow.
"It is the last thing anyone will expect from me."
"True..." I mused. "But why all this secrecy?"
For a moment, something passed over Itachi's eyes that seemed almost like anger, and it reminded me of the old days when he was little and mum and dad used to have to restrain him when he had tantrums before they had him diagnosed. It was fleeting, however, and was replaced with a cold, hard look.
He said, "Because I do not want Madara anywhere near you."
I opened my mouth to question him further, but he held up a hand again. "Please, Sasuke. I can't. Just take the phone and contact me whenever you have the notion. I shall be in touch soon. Let me know how you're getting on."
Then he smiled slightly, flicked me on the forehead like he always used to do when we were little, and left me standing there, alone in the bathroom. My forehead was tingling, and I glanced at the mirror, confirming that he had, indeed, left a distinct red mark.
"Twat," I said bitterly, as I began to rub at my forehead. And as soon as the words left my mouth, I suddenly wanted nothing more than to sit down on the floor and cry my eyes out. I didn't though, because two men clattered through the door, laughing and joking. I pretended I'd been washing my hands, used the drier, straightened my tie and walked out. I managed to put on my best media smile for their benefit. In a daze, I wandered across to the room where the prize would be announced and met up with the others again outside. The instant Sakura saw me, she whispered tentatively, for my ears only, "Your brother's here, did you know?"
I shrugged and pretended I wasn't bothered, but my hand closed over the cell phone in my pocket, and it was quite hard to suppress a smile. We went in together, and I spotted Itachi and uncle Madara over on the other side of the room. Neither of us acknowledged the other's existence, but it was easy to bear because of the secret we shared between us – something that not even uncle Madara could ruin. It might sound silly, but the phone was something of a talisman, and it kept me smiling throughout all the boring speeches by the sponsors and trustees.
Eventually, the prize winning exhibit was announced, and the money, the kudos and the fame went to Deidara and Sasori. Deservedly, I must say. Their entry was by far the best. Everyone cheered and clapped and Sasori forgave Deidara on the spot, to which Deidara responded by swinging Sasori onto his back and capering about the stage for a good few minutes until an official caught him and calmed him down. I went along to the after party with everyone else and chatted to the Suna crowd for a bit, which was nice, and Chiyo-baa kept asking after the boss, which I thought lovely of her. Uncle Madara swept past me with a glass of port in hand and winked at me, but I kept my cool, nodded curtly, and ignored him.
Everything passed in a bit of a blur, I must admit, and I feel bad that I can't say much more about Deidara and Sasori's big night – but, as usual, family matters have a way of eclipsing all else when one is an Uchiha. At the end of it, two cars came to pick us up – because Kakuzu and Hidan had been forgiven – and everyone was tipsy and singing. The party is still going on. Everyone's down in the kitchen, but I've excused myself for a moment, because I received a text from my brother and I couldn't help but act on it.
It said: 'So, little brother, what have you been doing for the past six months?'
Writing the e-mail might take a bit of time. It has been half a year, after all, and a lot of stuff has happened – but it can't wait. I never let myself admit it before, but I've missed my brother a lot, even though he drives me mental most of the time. I'd better get on with it, though, because we need to leave for Konoha tomorrow and I wager I won't have much opportunity during Tea in the Park.
Until tomorrow,
Sasuke.
--
AN: Sorry for the delay between updates, but I'm kind of realising I'm going to have to do all the work for uni I've pretended to do this year. Damn. I also have a scary meeting with the people who're funding me (two 'well-preserved' ladies who live in Monte Carlo and Santa Barbara and who are into crossing their ankles under the table, being ever so polite, and wearing Chanel suits. I am nothing like that. To make it even more terrifying, I have to meet them at the Principal's house. Oh. Holy. Shit. I now wish I could take back that crack about him sitting on his wanker's throne at graduation and earning too much for doing comparatively little (though I still mean it about the salary - it's ridiculous, seriously.)
As for the manga? Da fo'? Itachi iz protective bruther? I R CANON!! Muah hah hah! I fucking knew it! I am all over that shit! Oh things are panning out nicely, oh so nicely...
But now is not the time for discussing potential spoilers, for it is REVIEWER THANKING TIME!
NayanRoo (You base your Madara on mine? I blush a deep and furious red. I did spend a bit of time thinking about how I was going to portray him, which was the biggest cause for delay in the Christmas chapter. In the end, after much wailing and gnashing of teeth, I said, "Fuck it, I'll smash Madara and Tobi together and see what comes out." I'm hoping I wasn't too far off the mark. Your YouTube shenanigans sound like quite the riot. XD Did you ever upload that video, lol?)
Aperion (Omg... XD I never even thought of that! But yes, now that you have brought it to my attention, I have decided I meant to mass Rickroll my readers all along! Muah hah hah! The festival is next chapter. Expect the debut of previously unseen Konoha residents!)
Nozomi-sama (There was supposed to be some sort of fund set up for accidental injuries/deaths caused by the reading of this fic. Maybe I'd better set up a contingency fund for myself in case your grieving relatives track me down and set lawyers on me. I agree with you about this story making up for otherwise boring lives - it brightens mine too - and, if you can believe it, I randomly remember stuff and start giggling too. XD)
NaruGuru (Yay! Hello again! Oh, I am so glad you have discovered the joys of Aha. That song is ripe for endless comedy potential, it really is. Have you seen that episode of Family Guy where Chris gets sucked into the refrigerators at the supermarket and it goes into a Take on Me spoof? Hilarity. Seriously. But overnight racist camps? That does not sound good. I frown at the very notion of overnight racist camps. I take it you were lumbered with a bunch of bitchy girls, yes? As for the tattoo... I must confess Sasuke's dilemma is inspired by my own. I have no idea what I'd get. I have some ideas, but nothing that really sticks out.)
hieilover135 (That's okay. When I'm reading fic I tend to flit in and out of fandoms and when real life bitch slaps me into submission, so I understand. But, omgwtf Itachi?! I was quite pleased when I found out - because it made my Itachi interpretation canon. Who knew? XD And wow, that Carribbean Advanced Proficiency Examination sounds very impressive. Is it a language test? If you're really good and into languages, you could always go to the School of Oriental and African Studies in London (I've always fancied that place and if you got in, I'd be jealous, lol.))
Bri (Lol, you got your wish. Itachi did see the infamous YouTube video, but unfortunately, you will have to imagine his reaction. I'm sure it won't be difficult though. XD Oro is indeed creepy, but that's all part of his magical charm!)
YoungSasuke (Ten points for excellent use of the work hijinks. I love that word! And thanks for the lovely comment about my writing. Glad you like the fic, and I hope you liked this chapter.)
Chromde - formerly known as Niver (Lol, your name change threw me for a while when I was looking through my reviews a while ago. I was like "Who's that?" and then I realised. XD I agree with you on Naruto's tattoo. It is quite cool, and I surprised myself with that one, lol. Weed, I guess, is only really bad for you if get into the habit of smoking it constantly. A guy who's doing his PhD along with me is a resin smoker (amongst other things) and he got the 'best medieval student' prize in our undergrad year, so I suppose you can still do well as long as you don't make it a habit. I don't smoke weed, but only because I don't want to start actual smoking (which always seems to happen weed smokers are broke and can't afford their 'special fags'.)
ArilianaFireQueen (Hey there! How've you been? Thanks for the review on the last chapter (and that is totally something Kiku would say, lol). What is/are Pretties, though? I'm curious.)
danni quinn (Yay, hello again! I want to say happy birthday but I'm almost a month late, lol. Oh well, happy birthday anyway. Hope you had a good day. Kakashi and Kabuto do indeed deserve massive kicks in the nuts for that stunt. If anyone did that to me, I'd never speak to them again. Oh, and I'm so glad you liked that "I always ask first" line. I swear I was laughing like a look when I wrote it. And that whole scene was just funny for me for some reason. Orochimaru is my personal comedy generator. Things are never dull when he's around (that's kind of why I'm hoping he'll pop up again in the manga - he makes things exciting!)
fiore777 (Lol, I hope I have not spoiled the endearing aspect of Sai for you. Sasori corrupts even the purest of beings with his mere presence in a room. He is truly the bad boy of art. XD And oh, the long pube. I swear I was doubled over laughing when I wrote it. And I have no idea where it came from. Probably from some unholy place inside my head that will condemn me to everlasting hell when I kick the bucket. And Itachi would SO have beaten up that kid who took Sasuke's walkman because protective brother Itachi is now CANON!! Unless Kishi turns it around again, in which case I'll have to track him down and do terrible things to him.)
unreproachablephoenix (Yay! A new reviewer. Thanks very much for taking the time to comment. It's funny, because a few people have said that they like this fic despite the pairings. I very consciously make the story and characterisation take precedence in this fic, so maybe that's why people do. Or maybe it's just the funnies. I don't know, but I'm not complaining!)
Anilmathiel Greenleaf (Oh, the long pube. I swear to you I have no idea where it came from, but verrily the thought of it did make tears of mirth course down my cheeks. Glad it gave you a few laffs, and cheers for the review!)
chibibaka1 (Ugh, research papers. I feel your pain. But your rather insightful comment about Sasuke's journal being read by hundreds of people - I never thought of it that way before. XD It's so true. Oh, the irony! And I'm glad you liked the pube scene and the "rapist" comment. Those were my two favourite bits and I was laughing myself silly when I wrote them. That you picked up on Sasuke critiquing his performance makes me smile too. He's so narcissistic, but he doesn't have a clue!)
natwel (Your entertainment district is truly worthy dream. If only the areas of hospitality weren't so fraught with crime and dodgy characters, I'd want to give it a go myself. I like the idea of the zen gardens on the outskirts and the ballroom cathedral club. I know a few goth festivals, though I've never been to one myself. Wakken is the big metal one, I think, and Whitby is the proper goth one. There are a couple of darkwave electronica ones, Infest and Dark City, though no one I know is going to any of them this year. I am also very interested in Madara. I think he's shaping up to be a great character. Not sure if he will fill the Oro-shaped void in my life, but I'm loving the potential for civil war in Konoha. If Kishi goes for that plot line, he will own my soul, no questions. I don't watch the Apprentice, but I totally agree with your assessment of Itachi. He would own all over that show.)
BMiK (Arts scholar? Are you studying English Lit or something? I am curious. But yes, I have, surprisingly, planned this story out a bit. I never usually do it (that's probably why this thing's still going - I can learn from this!) The ending is in my head and I know exactly how it's going to go. Oh thank you so very much for picking up on the 'mainstream' comment and the polo necks. I love poking fun at all those pretentious poetry pandas out there. I have no idea why they all wear them. Maybe it's part of the uniform? And Oro is my favourite character too. He forces his way into all of my Naruto fics. All of them. Even the ones that aren't about him - he always gets a mention. So damn pushy. XD)
Kokura (Aie! Do not beat yourself with sticks! I will have no flagellation on my watch! Besides, if any relatives find out, they might set lawyers on me, and no one wants that. Thank you so very much for your appreciation of Sasuke's Long Pube Philosophy. I chortled muchly while writing it, and I have no idea where it came from. However, I also chortled muchly at your crack about contemplating 'our own intrinsic long-pube-ness' which leads me to believe it could be a marketable commodity. Perhaps we should start a movement? Follow us, for we shall lead you to enlightenment! Abandon the scissors of oppression, embrace your long pube and win at life!)
Awkward Butterfly (Yay, a new reviewer! Thanks for taking the time to comment, that is too cool of you. First off, I'd like to congratulate you on your cracking screen name. Me likes. Second, I would like to apologise for causing you to earn a detention. I feel that your punishment was unjust, considering you were possibly only sniggering and that there are much worse crimes out there than sniggering at something you remember making you laugh. Bloody tyrants. I do not know about Sarutobi Sasuke! Must look that up.)
Thanks again, guys! Hope you liked this chapter!