A Day in the Life
July 26th
DAY EIGHT
After a week of general fun, hi-jinks and stressful situations, I am now officially on my way to the Tea in the Park festival in Konoha. Kabuto has used his laptop to print out a list of the acts he wants to see, and I can tell you that I'm beginning to get excited. A few of my favourites are playing, and I hope there's not too much of a clash in schedules (we won't know until we get there because distributing over-priced itineraries to a captive audience of festival-goers is a great money-spinner). I am also excited because the boss is coming along.
You heard me. The boss is coming to the Tea in the Park festival. My fifty year old significant other – who is chauffeured around in a Rolls and insists on dressing for dinner – is coming to a music festival. He was in his early thirties the last time he went to one, and according to Jiraiya, the scene has changed quite a bit, so this should be interesting. I hope I won't have to spend my weekend running around after him, though I am looking forward to seeing him again properly. I've kind of missed him, despite the habitual and constant texting back and forth.
It was a bit of a fluke that the boss managed to get a ticket (though I do not doubt had he desperately wanted to come in the first place he would have had no difficulty whatsoever in procuring one). Sai decided to give up his weekend pass, since he "wanted to spend some time with Sasori". Both of them hopped on a last-minute flight to Suna and they're likely going to spend the next four days doing indecent things in the sun at Gaara's beach house, which they might as well, since the place would be lying empty otherwise.
Quite a lot of people are going to this festival, actually; mostly members of the Konoha lot. Kakashi had been texting around and found out by accident. (Honestly, I cannot fathom this. One of the big problems I had when working for Konoha-Suna was the lack of communication – no one talked to anyone! It was incredibly frustrating back then and it is obvious it's still going on. Communication problems never happen at Otogakure Enterprises – though this is mainly because everyone's so afraid of the boss. He always manages to be on everyone's ass – he is a fantastic delegator.)
At any rate, the last minute changes and the increase in numbers has meant sleeping arrangements have been thrown up in the air. The boss, naturally, wanted to share a tent with me (I snigger surreptitiously at the thought of him sleeping outdoors in a tent – he's going to be impossible, I can feel it), so I had to pluck up the courage to ask Naruto if that would be okay. He whined and pouted at first until I mentioned casually to him that it would mean he would have Sakura to himself for the whole weekend, after which he cheered up considerably and said, "Hell yeah!" He's quite excited now, and is planning on purchasing an extra packet of baby wipes to keep himself squeaky clean.
Jiraiya and Kiku are still sharing, as are Kakashi and Kabuto, but with the addition of Iruka (who was originally supposed to be in with Asuma, but Asuma's long-term girlfriend Kurenai decided to come at the last minute and he doesn't want to be the third wheel in the arrangement). When it was made known via email and text that Iruka was going to be crashing our party, a whole horde of other Konoha residents decided that they could not live without his illustrious company and have decided to set up camp next to us. This list includes Kiba and Shino from IT, Hinata from accounts (I wonder how she'll react to Naruto sharing with Sakura? She's had the biggest crush on Naruto for ages, though he has no idea), Ino from sales, Shikamaru and Chouji, and Neji, Lee and TenTen. Altogether, there will be a total of twenty people and seven tents to manage.
They have arranged to meet us at 1:00pm tomorrow at the entrance to the Red section (Jiraiya said it's the best place – not too near the main arena but not miles away, and it's next to the campsite food stalls). This whole weekend is going to be insane – I can feel it.
LATER:
It is one-thirty in the morning and I swear I am this close to strangling Naruto. His excitement about tomorrow has reached new levels and he is sitting in his bunk, his legs swinging over the edge, singing an infuriating and inane song about sitting in his bed. The melody is not complex, involving the repetition of the same tune for every single line over and over again. The lyrics are similarly retarded; the only effort needed is in the attempt to find another word that rhymes with "bed", which, let's face it, isn't going to be the most taxing intellectual endeavour in the universe. When you put both together, it sounds something like this:
"I'm sittin' here in my bed,
just sittin' here in my bed.
With a shrimp on top of my head.
Oh my god that shrimp is dead.
I'm sittin' here in my bed.
My bed, my bed is red.
But it's not really red.
It's kinda beige, like my shed.
Do ya hear what I just said?
I'm just sittin' here in my bed.
With my awesome street cred.
But do not, do not dread.
Coz I'm sitting here in my bed—"
And so it has been going on for the past fifteen fucking minutes solid! Everyone else managed to drop off before he started his fool antics – everyone but me! And now I cannot get to sleep. And he shows no sign of stopping.
That's it. I'm just going to have to kill him...
LATER:
Ha ha! Kabuto just came stomping upstairs, tired and irritable from his driving shift, and said if Naruto wouldn't shut the hell up and get to sleep, then he could damn well take over from him. Success! Naruto is driving and out of my hair! Now I might be able to get a bit of shut-eye.
Night!
July 27th
DAY NINE
TEA IN THE PARK
It is approaching night, and though there is still enough light to see by, the moon is hanging round and full in the sky. The air outside is pleasantly warm, and I am sitting in my tent in a field at the annual Konoha Tea in the Park festival, surrounded by noise and general revelry. I would like to take this opportunity to announce that it is officially the most surreal environment I have ever found myself in. Loads of ridiculous (and hilarious) things have happened already, but I'll tell you about them in a second. A few intriguing developments have also taken place – mainly regarding Asuma and the boss – which I will also have to tell you about, but I can't take too long because I promised Naruto I'd go watch the mud wrestling with him near the tower. I've got about twenty minutes before then, so here goes.
We arrived in Konoha about quarter to twelve in the morning when the sun was splitting the sky and joined the massive queue of traffic waiting to file into the parking fields. An hour and a half later, we gathered together our camping gear, dumped it on the sledges and began the half a mile trek over to Red Camp.
The trek was ridiculously long because the Tea in the Park festival, although named after Konoha Public Park, is not actually held there anymore. The Public Park was the original venue (which the boss and Jiraiya remember attending – they are so old) and as the festival grew in popularity over the years, with music-lovers travelling from all over the continent to attend, the organisers had to remove it to the old air field on the outskirts. Every year since, there has been a mass exodus of festival-goers (Jiraiya said 80,000 people went last year), all converging in a massive field in the middle of pretty much nowhere.
There were at least a hundred other people trudging alongside us, all piling through the entrance to get wristbands. I cannot lie to you, there really was a tangible feeling of excitement. The air was almost electric. People were singing, chanting and laughing, walking with a spring in their steps. Naruto had already cracked open a can and was wearing his sombrero and foam hand, Sakura was whistling a tuneless but cheerful little ditty, Kiku was cracking her gum with unusual vigour, and Kabuto, falling into step beside me, said wistfully, "I haven't been to a festival in years, Sasuke. This is going to be fantastic – I can tell already."
I grinned and agreed with him, and even the raucous cries of "Hey, YouTube man! YouTube maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!" from over the heads of my fellow festival-goers could not dampen my spirits.
And then we rounded the corner, forking off to the left towards Red Camp. I instantly clocked the boss, standing a little off, talking to Kurenai. The Konoha lot were there too, sitting on a circle on the grass and obstructing the path - but I only had eyes for my significant other. I wish I could say that this was because I had missed him terribly over the course of my trip and I had one of those emotional, wibbly moments because of it, but the main reason I stopped in my tracks and gawked at him openly was because he was wearing a dark green hoodie with a fractal design on the front, a purple headband and black combats tucked into a pair of green Hunter wellies. I swear to you, I almost didn't recognise him. He looked much, much younger and completely unlike my impeccably dressed, intimidating boss who takes pride in striding around the office in full formal.
While I was still gawking, Jiraiya pulled up behind me and I heard him mutter to himself, "Thank god. At least he's dressed for it this time," before he turned up the volume and bellowed, "ORO! YO, ORO! OVER HERE!"
The boss turned. He spotted me. There was a blur of movement and the next thing I know, he had lifted me into a crushing hug and was mewling into my neck (this was a first – I have never heard him mewl at me.)
"Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun," he said joyfully. "I have missed you so. You and your beautiful body and your beautiful mind and your hideous attitude..."
The last quip made the corner of my mouth twitch with amusement (I know how much he loves my 'hideous attitude') and I could feel his breath on my skin as he was talking, making all the little hairs on my neck tingle. Having had other things on my mind during the road trip, I had not realised it until then, but I was so, so fucking horny. Like, really horny. The type of horny where you want sex so bad it hurts and you don't care who with. The stage of horny that is probably but one itty bitty baby-step away from Rohypnol and date rape. I blame the boss entirely for this because he has spoiled me for sex, without a doubt. I used to be able to go for a decent length of time without it, but since the boss is a compulsive sex-addict, I have had to learn to keep up in order to satiate his rampant libido. Hence the sudden horn that came upon me unexpectedly.
Without a word, I grabbed the boss, locked my arms around his neck and gave him a thorough kissing. It caught him off guard for a few seconds, his hands floundering wildly behind my head, but he recovered remarkably, as he experienced (or so I conjecture) a horn-related epiphany not unlike that granted unto me, and he started feeling me up in full view of every other passing random. Old habits die hard. I heard someone wolf-whistle and Chouji laughing, but I didn't care. I would speak to them later, I thought, for I had business to attend to.
Pulling back for air, I looked the boss straight in the eye and said, surprising myself with my steely tone, "The tent. Now."
It's amazing how quickly two people can put up a tent in dire need. People kept trying to talk to me and pass me bottles, but I gruffly swatted them away. The boss was similarly single-minded in his approach. The rest of them ended up getting out the folding chairs and sat around on the grass watching us.
"Man, I never knew anyone could be that desperate," I heard Shikamaru say idly, taking a swig from the bottle. "Sasuke's really changed."
"Yeah," Chouji replied, smirking all over his big fat face. "Remember what he always said back at the Academy? That he didn't need sex because he could control himself or some bullshit like that."
Unable to ignore the blatant slander any longer, I turned to my portly companion and said, exuding levels of smugness that rivalled the boss, "Oh yes? Like that bullshit you keep trying to feed us about not being fat, but just short for your weight?"
Everyone exploded into laughter and Chouji ended up chasing me round Red Camp and all the way through Yellow before he got a stitch and had to limp back, wheezing and defeated. He's really sensitive about his weight, it's so easy to get a rise out of him. I don't normally do it because, well, it's not that much fun – like shooting dead fish in a barrel – but he deserved it that time.
It took me a while to find our spot again, but I eventually spied Naruto's Sabre-Toothed Lime flag fluttering in the distance. Jogging back, I met a number of interesting people who wanted to have their picture taken with me, the most interesting of which was a very personable, bearded man who was otherwise naked apart from the black thong and the pair of bright pink swimming armbands he sported. Already he was quite smashed and he repeatedly told me he loved me. I told him I loved him back and asked if he had put up his tent yet. He looked thoughtful for a moment before saying that he hadn't and that he'd probably best get back and find his mates. I said that was a good idea and he wandered off, buttocks glinting in the afternoon sun.
When I got back to our spot, the others were setting up – the tents arranged in a circle so we had a small patch in which we could put out the fold away chairs and sit and drink. Kakashi and Neji had already got into a fight about the proximity of their tents and guy rope related strife. I ignored them and stood in the middle of the circle looking round for the boss, getting in everyone's way but not caring a jot. I couldn't see him and I wondered briefly whether he'd gone off in a huff, but the next instant, I heard a zipping sound and I went "Nyaargh!" as the boss's pale, white hand shot out like a trap door spider and dragged me inside.
"Finally, Sasuke-kun!" he snapped, zipping the door closed behind him. "Do you know how long I've had to wait for this?"
I nodded. There was a silence in which we regarded each other for a moment, lust etched in every line of our faces. Then we grinned and pounced. We were briefly interrupted at the heavy fumbling stage because we could hear Naruto outside saying, in his customary stage whisper, "Man, I can hear them in there, hee hee! Gross. Kiba, c'mere and listen..."
Naturally, the boss got a bit angry and he unzipped the tent door, poked his head out and demanded Naruto hand over his ghetto blaster. Naruto whined and said he was just about to use it, but the boss said if he let him use it right then and there he'd buy him enough beer tokens for the whole weekend. With the ghetto blaster inside the tent, blasting out a thumping electronica compilation Naruto had made, it was much easier to disguise the sex noises (though on the downside, it was much more obvious what we were doing. One has to take the rough with the smooth, I suppose.)
We emerged from our wallow of filth an indeterminate time later – the sun was still high in the sky, mid afternoon perhaps – and we slipped on our wellies. Everyone else had dispersed, except for Shikamaru, who was lying on his back on a camp bed, smoking a joint and staring at the sky. The boss asked him where everyone was and Shikamaru replied that they had all "gone for a wander", which probably meant they were hanging about near the food stalls or the off sales. Thanking him, we went off for a wander on our own to see if we could find anyone and headed down what looked like the quickest route there. Unfortunately, this happened to be through the Purple section.
It is an interesting story this one. Apparently (or so I was later informed by Iruka) the Purple camp has been the unofficial bastion of the many hundreds of revellers who travel from Mizugakure each year for the festival. Each year, there are always stories of them forming angry mobs and running riot in other camps, mass toilet-tipping, tent-raiding or doing something equally destructive. I was not surprised at this revelation, let me tell you, because everyone knows that people from Mizugakure are all rampant, fucking mentalists. The boss and I had a brief run-in with said mentalists – literally, in that we were actually running from them.
Now picture this: we were walking through the field and down the path, tents to the left of us, tents to the right. A signpost staked into the soft ground told us we were going the right way to get to the food stalls, pointing us through Purple. Fine, we thought, and pressed on. We entered Purple without so much as an inkling of trouble and all seemed normal until we were about halfway through. As we were walking, I began to notice out the corner of my eye that there were a whole lot of people lined up, a few men deep, on either side of the path. They were grinning at us in a way I did not like. I mentioned this to the boss, who was talking away to me about something or other and had not appeared to notice. He looked round and his eyes widened.
"Shit..." he hissed, suddenly looking anxious.
"What? What is it?"
Then it began. The mob of Mizu nutters who had lined the path began to stamp their feet, clap and chant, "Tunnel of Death! Tunnel of Death! Tunnel of Death!"
The chant got louder, faster, and I saw to my horror that the people nearest us were readying themselves for a sprint.
I felt the boss grab my hand.
"Run, Sasuke-kun!" he shouted.
I didn't need to hear it twice.
As soon as we started legging it down the path, the Mizu campers on either side began to spill onto it and thundered after us, a howling, slavering mob. They chased us all the way to the boundary of Purple, at which point they stopped and began to cheer – victorious in ousting the interlopers to their domain. For a moment, the boss and I stood there, huffing and puffing, trying to get our breath back. When I had recovered somewhat, I looked at him sharply and started a minor argument.
"What the hell was that?" I snapped.
"Wasn't it obvious, Sasuke-kun? It was a Tunnel of Death."
"And what exactly is a Tunnel of Death?"
"It is exactly what you experienced. Two groups of moronic people are convinced by some lunatic to line up on either side of the pathway. They wait for unsuspecting victims to approach and ambush them."
"Does this happen a lot then?" I said sarcastically.
"Only here."
"There seem to be a lot of things that happen only here."
"So clever to get it after I've told you. I see nothing gets past you, Sasuke-kun."
"Har har," I said stonily. "You are hilarious, Orochimaru-sama. But how the hell did you know what was going on? I saw your eyes go, so don't lie to me."
The boss shrugged. "I've been in one. Jiraiya, Tsunade and I organised one a few years ago. Ours was at night though, and much superior because we hid behind the first row of tents and then charged. We caught quite a lot of people."
I stared at the boss, an eyebrow raised.
"And what did you do with them once you caught them?" I asked.
"We carried them to a little area we'd cordoned off with spare guy ropes and got people to guard it. Then we wrote up a list of detainees with a marker pen on a bit of cardboard from a box of beer cans and ransomed off the captors to their friends. That was my idea."
"What, for money?"
"Sometimes. But we accepted drugs, alcohol, food-offerings and other festival-related trinkets. We did exceptionally well out of it."
I paused for a moment, then said, "Would they have done that to us?"
"I highly doubt it, Sasuke-kun," the boss said with a smug smirk. "They are not nearly as enterprising. Likely as not, they would have been content with merely covering us in mud or tying us to a post somewhere."
I was just about to open my mouth to question him further when we were interrupted by a familiar voice shouting over the heads of the random passing crowds.
"HEY, GAY-SAUCE!" Kiba bellowed (I've always hated that obnoxious Academy nickname) as he elbowed his way through the throng with a styrofoam plate full of noodles balanced in one hand. "GAY-SAUCE! NARUTO, GET OVER HERE!"
Naruto's familiar blonde head appeared, his sombrero hanging at a jaunty angle, stuffing his face with a huge skewer of salted yakitori. The Brothers Loud approached.
"Hey guys!" Naruto said, through a mouthful of food. "You seen Iruka and Kakashi?"
I said I had not and asked why.
"They bought an inflatable chair a while ago and went back to camp to blow it up." Then he added, looking thoughtful, "Should be back by now. They said to meet them outside Purple."
The boss and I exchanged a significant look and I saw an evil glint in his eye. Instantly, I knew what he was about, and I shut my mouth and tried very hard to suppress the fit of sniggers threatening to erupt.
"Now that I come to think of it, I did see them," the boss said, caressing his chin in a pensive manner. "They were just passing through Purple not long ago. If you hurry, you just might catch them."
Naruto was already running. "Thanks, Oro. C'mon, Kiba!!" he yelled, blissful in his ignorance as he trotted off unwittingly into the jaws of death. "I want first dibs on the chair."
As soon as they were far enough away, the boss and I collapsed into fits of evil, maniacal laughter. It felt so much better having shared the woe. Somehow, doing so made me feel less stupid for having fallen for it myself.
Naruto's salted yakitori made me realise how hungry I was, and the boss said he fancied some too and offered to buy me as much as I wanted. We got two of the humungous sticks each from the stall and sat down on the grass to eat it. In the distance, we heard the chanting begin again, and very soon we were rolling about laughing so hard tears came.
Kurenai and Hinata happened to be standing nearby – over at the fast-food van getting cheeseburgers. I waved at them and they came over, Hinata looking discomfited at the sudden attention (she's always been painfully shy – it took her two months to pluck up the courage to talk to me when I first started work at Konoha-Suna, and I suppose now that I've been away for almost a year, she won't be used to me anymore. She's even worse with Naruto). The boss was still on his back on the grass, cackling like a madman (and terrifying Hinata – she literally shrank away from him). Kurenai is not so easily scared, however, and looking down at him quizzically, she asked what we were laughing at.
I told her what the boss had done (he couldn't due to his temporarily crippling cackling session). On the face of it, she looked shocked, but there was a mischievous twinkle in her eye that told me she found the boss's jape amusing. Hinata, on the other hand, let out a little gasp.
"Oh, Naruto-kun! I- I hope he's okay," she said, her eyes flitting over to the Purple tents in the distance. She blushed and then added, realising her omission, "I mean, I hope they're both okay. Kiba-kun too."
"They'll be fine," I said. "They're both fast runners."
That time, Kurenai let a smile slip and turned to me. "Sasuke," she said. "It's good to see you again. You look great."
I was just about to say thanks when the boss finally decided to stop acting like a head-case and cut in, "Yes he does, doesn't he?" he said, throwing me a lingering and strangely proud glance.
"I do try," I said, grinning and giving my hair a mock toss.
"So how are you, Sasuke?" Kurenai went on. "From what I hear you've settled in really well at Oto-Enterprises."
"Yeah," I said, smiling a little as the boss linked hands with me. "Orochimaru-sama here finally recognised my awesomeness. I'm Chief Operating Officer now. It's hard work, but I enjoy it. You two still in Finance?"
Kurenai and Hinata nodded.
"T-That's really great, Sasuke," Hinata said sincerely. "I always knew you'd do well. Sakura said you were the best in your year at the Academy."
For a while after, I basked in the attention lavished upon me by my significant other and two lovely Konoha ladies. This lasted until Asuma Sarutobi wandered over from the long queue at the beer tent and spotted us. Strangely, he looked fine and quite happy and came over to us, all smiles— until he noticed the boss. After that, his jaw went rigid and his expression stony. He looked down at the boss and rolled his eyes.
"Good of you to finally join us, Oro," he said brusquely. "You quite finished, or are you gonna need another moment."
I must confess that Asuma's abrupt tone took me aback, and the shock registered on my face. Never before had I encountered someone – a relative stranger, or so I thought – who had the bollocks to come straight up to the boss and be rude to his face. The boss's reaction was similarly intriguing. He regarded Sarutobi's son for a moment from his prostrate position on the grass. Then he smiled a nasty smile and answered, in his silkiest, smarmiest voice, "I feel I shall be alright for another five minutes at least."
Asuma snorted. "Yeah. Knowing you, five minutes is about all we'll get before you're caught with your pants round your ankles."
The boss blinked, then his eyes narrowed dangerously. The smile was still there.
"I have just been talking to your charming young girlfriend," he said casually changing the subject, his eyes not leaving Asuma for a second. "Kurenai, yes?"
Kurenai nodded, looking a bit uncomfortable.
"Far too good for the likes of you, Asuma," the boss continued, his eyes glittering with malice. "For a wastrel, a failure. For a good-for-nothing deadbeat runaway—"
Silence fell (as it usually does when the boss wields his words to wound), and the shadow that passed across Asuma's face made me shiver.
Now Asuma, when I knew him when I worked for Konoha-Suna, was famous in the office for his laid-back attitude. Laid back almost to a fault sometimes, since deadlines were not always reached within his department, and reports not always handed in. Most of the time, he seemed to be on a perpetual smoke break, and he'd hitch a lift with Kakashi to work every morning – even though he had a perfectly functional and respectable vehicle of his own. He laughed and joked by the photocopiers, chatted up the available talent and was generally an all-round decent guy.
The way he looked at the boss at the food stalls, though... it was scary. It was like he really was going to go for him. For a moment I was terrified I would have to get in between them and pull them apart. But Asuma shook his head and said, turning away, "See what I told you, Kurenai? He's poisonous. I'm not taking any more of this shit. Come on."
He stalked off, Kurenai following after him and throwing us curious glances over her shoulder. Hinata dithered for a moment before curtseying apologetically and trotting after them. Since the boss didn't seem to feel like speaking, preferring instead to revel in his verbal victory over Asuma, I took a moment to do the math in my head. Satisfied with my conclusion, I broke the silence and turned to the boss.
"You wouldn't have worked with him at Konoha-Suna," I said quietly. "Sarutobi only got him the job two years before I joined, and you left for Akatsuki thirteen years ago. What's going on?"
The boss smiled and leaned over and kissed my forehead, as he is wont to do when he wishes to repress my enquiries and not divulge any personal information.
"It is nothing of consequence, Sasuke-kun," he said airily. "I simply do not care for him."
I didn't believe a word of it, but I let it slide. I would find out later, I reasoned, whether I got it from him or someone else, so I smiled and gave him one of the more obscure squeezes in my repertoire: one with a touch of warning, so that he knew I hadn't bought it but was willing to ignore for the time being.
Since Purple was pretty much off-limits, we took the scenic route back to our camp and absorbed all the mad sights and sounds of the first night of the festival. We were spotted a few times by random groups of people: "Hey! It's that guy! What d'ya mean that guy? That guy! You know, the guy who owns Otogakure Enterprises?" "YOU TUBE MAAAAANNNNNNNN!! DO THE DANCE, YOU TUBE MAAANNNN!!" Some of them came up to speak to us, including the naked thong man who passed by again. He staggered over and slung his arm around me and said directly into my ear, "Hzzz mmmph hzzz wizzle wizzle hmmm."
Moving away slightly to improve acoustics, I asked him to repeat himself and he burped and said, "I know who you are. You're Uchiha Sasuke."
I said that was true and asked after his tent progress. The naked thong man beamed and said, "Put it up just there. Off to buy a funny hat from the stall."
He paused for a moment, his bleary, red-rimmed eyes catching sight of the boss. Then he nodded and addressed him directly. "I know you too. You want to take care of this one," he said, giving me a shake for emphasis. "He's a wee diamond!"
The boss nodded, but that wasn't quite enough for the naked thong man, who insisted that he swear he'd take care of me. Laughing, the boss made a solemn promise to take care of me, and, satisfied, the man said, "Righto, chaps! I'm off!" and he wandered away again down the path.
Back at Red, just before our tent, we encountered a group of merry individuals who had installed a mini trampoline in the middle of the pathway. They were sitting on fold away chairs filming the action with a camcorder and cheered every time someone jumped on the trampoline and booed lustily if they walked round it. I cast a glance at the boss and it was obvious he was not going to compromise his dignity, so in order to spare myself a booing on video (which will end up on YouTube again, no doubt – I am cursed, I swear, but at least the boss will be too this time) I jumped while the boss held my hand in case I fell on my arse when I landed. We got an extra cheer when they realised who we were, and raucous cries of "OROCHIMARUUUUUUUUUUUU" followed us as we went.
When we finally reached our tents, a (justifiably) vengeful Naruto was lying in wait, covered in grass stains, his hair all a-tangle. With a howl, he launched himself at me and we both went tumbling to the ground. I wrestled with him for a minute before I gave up because I was laughing too hard, and he said, "Man, you guys suck! You knew they were gonna chase us!"
He wasn't too mad about it, though, and Kiba said that the general experience was "fuckin' awesome", which I thought odd but different strokes and all that. Like Naruto, Kiba has always been a bit different.
Nothing much else has happened so far. I've been sitting around outside with everyone, drinking a few cans, having a laugh and watching the weird and wonderful people go by. The mud-wrestling is just about to start, so I guess I should go out and find Naruto.
Wish me luck!
LATER:
I am covered head to toe in mud. Seriously. I have never been so muddy in my entire life. There is mud in my hair, in my ears, in between my toes, in my crotch – everywhere. I went to the showers, but I think I'll need to go again because it's drying in now and it's getting itchy. Why did I end up in the mud-wrestling puddle, you ask? I'll tell you.
Kiba and Naruto, the scheming little wankers, put my name down on the list as revenge for the Purple camp stunt! I will never trust them an inch ever again!
The mud-wrestling was an unofficial campsite activity; just a bunch of randoms who'd roped off a puddle with spare tent poles and guy ropes and taken a list of willing exhibitionist participants earlier on in the afternoon.
You should have seen my face when my name was read out. I wanted to punch them, seriously. I couldn't pull out, though, because there was a big crowd and they were all cheering and chanting and calling my name, and considering the climate of enthusiasm for the event, they probably would've pulled me into the mud with all my clothes on anyway. Setting my jaw and whispering to Naruto that I would flay him alive when it was over, I stripped down to my boxers and took great pleasure in beating the crap out of him in the ring. Kiba and Ino went next, followed by a four-way "tag-team" match with Kakashi, Iruka, Jiraya and Kiku. Kiku was the one who eventually prevailed and got the pin on Kakashi (though I have a suspicion that Kakashi let her win because he wanted her to sit on him – utter filth.) You should've seen the state of Jiraiya afterwards, ha ha. His hair was a disgrace. As I type, he's still in the showers trying to wash all the mud out of it – he even sent Kiku over to the stalls to buy another bottle of shampoo because he's used all of his already. I trudged back to the tent before I went to the showers myself to fetch a towel, looking like a monster from the black lagoon, and the boss was stunned at the levels of grime I had managed to accumulate in such a short period of time.
He said, "If I'd known you were going to participate, Sasuke-kun, I would have come along."
I think he's a bit mad he missed it. Oh well.
LATER:
I think I may have just been violated.
I went for a pee in the urinals because I didn't much fancy the Portaloos or the line of guys up against the fence, and as I was enjoying my pee, minding my own business and concentrating on my aim, I felt this strange tickling sensation at my ankles. Yelping, I looked down, thinking it was perhaps an insect of some description. Nothing. I carried on with my pee. A second later, the tickling sensation came again, and I looked down only to be greeted by the profoundly odd sight of the end of a tent pole caressing my bare calves through the gap underneath.
I never found out who did it, because by the time I'd finished and shaken myself dry, they'd run off.
There're some really sick people here, I swear.
Saw something utterly hilarious on the way back to the tent, though. I was standing with Iruka and Neji and we were having a nice time talking to Naked Thong Man again and trying to figure out what he was saying (we just keep bumping into each other – he must've pitched near to us). The next thing I know, there was a loud rustling noise and the sound of girls squealing. Whipping round to face the source of the noise, my eyes beheld the strange image of a fully-erected tent rolling down the pathway at a considerable speed.
"What the hell—?" I began, peering at the fast approaching tent, before I realised that it was being propelled forward from inside by what sounded like a young man from Mizugakure (I could tell by the accent). He was whooping and hollering and treating it like a giant hamster ball – causing such a racket that people stood up and peered over their own tents to see what on earth was going on. Naked Thong Man thought it was great and he ran after the tent, trying to catch it, leaving us to ponder upon what we had witnessed.
I pity the poor bastard whose tent it was, though. It was totally wrecked. Looks like someone's sleeping rough tonight!
LATER:
It's dark outside now. The moon is high in the sky and the stars are shining (despite the exorbitant level of light pollution in Konoha). Some interesting things have happened since I last wrote. Two interesting things, to be exact, and I feel the need to write them down. The others have gone along to the big fire someone lit between Red and Yellow (that strictly isn't supposed to be there because Jiraiya said fires have been banned ever since the one that went out of control in '98) but I'll join them a bit later. The boss is here outside with me, indulging in a power nap on Shikamaru's camp bed, having expended most of his energy on the ferocious argument he had with Asuma. I wasn't witness to the argument, but I learned what it was about when I bumped into Asuma later on and had a rather... illuminating chat with him.
Thankfully, I missed the big fight because I decided to head along to the Silent Disco tent with all the rest of the "younger ones" as the boss has taken to calling us (our camp has been divided into "older" and "younger" – older equating to the over 30s and younger encompassing the under 30s. Kabuto is floating between groups at the moment, and depending on how mature he's feeling at a particular time, can be part of either.) At any rate, he came with us, and we had a really good laugh. I think the Silent Disco tent might very well end up being my favourite part of Tea in the Park – it's so much fun, I cannot tell you.
When you walk past the Silent Disco tent and see the weirdness for the first time, you could be forgiven for thinking you're hallucinating (as some poor, doped up souls clearly thought they were), for what happens is as follows: as you enter the tent, you pick up a pair of headphones from the bins. When you put them on, you finally hear the "silent disco" music, which is being made by two DJs playing different sets, vying for dominance. There is a little button on the side of the headphones that lets you tune into DJ one or DJ two, with the result that you don't quite know what everyone else is listening to, until you hear a great roaring cheer from a part of the crowd and you frantically tune into the other channel to see what they're dancing to. It's almost as good watching from outside, because all you can see is a dance floor filled with people, pulling shapes to different tunes that you cannot hear.
It was great fun, and when we got back to Red, we were all laughing and joking and in fantastic moods. The atmosphere at camp was the complete opposite; it was fraught with tension. All the older ones were sitting outside in a circle on the chairs, looking drained, and we arrived in the middle of a muted conversation. Sensing it would be awkward to barge in and parade our happiness in front of them, we clustered together behind the tent and waited for the right moment to come along.
"— have to go get him," I heard Kurenai say. "I knew he didn't get along with him because of his father, but I had no idea it was this bad."
"It's always been like that," Jiraiya sighed, leaning forward and pinching the bridge of his nose. "They fight like cat and dog whenever there's a party or a family get-together. Sarutobi-sensei knows. Does his best to keep them apart, but it can't be done all the time."
"Would he still've come if he knew Asuma was going to be here?" Kurenai asked.
Jiraiya smiled grimly. "Knowing Oro? Probably."
There was a pause. Then Kurenai said something that made my insides grow cold. "He shouldn't have said that stuff about Sasuke. When I find him, I'll talk to him about it."
Even though I couldn't see, I could sense everyone's heads turning to look at me. The hairs on the back of my neck were tingling and I could feel a hot blush creeping across my cheeks.
Then Kakashi spoke up. "He didn't mean it, Kurenai," he said wearily. "He actually likes Sasuke. They got on really well when he was still with us – you know it, you saw it. He only said it to get a rise out of him – and it worked."
Kurenai shook her head sadly and stood up. "I know, but it still isn't right," she said. "I'm going to go try and find him. I'll see you guys later."
Then she happened to glance in our direction and her eyes went wide when she spotted me. "Oh. Sasuke. I-I didn't see you there..." she began, with a hesitant smile that faltered when she saw my expression.
A great wave of anger and resentment began to bubble up inside me, and I felt my fists curling – anger against the boss and against Asuma for being stubborn and pig-headed and unable to put aside whatever differences they had for a weekend – one stupid, insignificant weekend! – so that I would be able to have a good time and enjoy myself. Oh no! Heaven forbid I should ever be able to go somewhere with the boss and not get involved in an overblown drama.
So when Kurenai started to explain what happened, I just did not want to listen. Less than a minute prior, I had been so happy I could've sung a little song celebrating it. But my happiness had been thoroughly dashed – pounded into a dried blood dust stain upon the wretched earth. Yet again I had been dragged into something that was absolutely nothing to do with me in the first place.
"Forget it," I said coldly, interrupting her and turning my back to all the curious faces. "I don't want to know."
In a foul humour, I stalked off down the path, heading in no direction in particular. So enraged was I and lost in dark thoughts, that I curtly brushed off any attempts of random festival-goers to make conversation with me. At length, I wandered so far that I ended up in Green camp (which is miles away from anywhere) and I sat down on the grass next to the first aid tent. Guess who was sitting over at the other corner smoking a cigarette?
That's right, Asuma.
As soon as I saw him and made eye-contact, I got up to leave, but he beckoned me over with a finger and said in a grave manner, "C'mere, Sasuke. I wanna talk to you."
Shrugging, I walked across and sat down next to him – though not too near because Kurenai's words were still fresh in my mind. He had blatantly insulted me behind my back to get a rise out of the boss, so you may understand that I wasn't feeling too well-disposed towards him. It took me by surprise, then, when the first thing that came out of his mouth was an apology.
"I'm sorry, Sasuke," he said, with what appeared to be genuine contrition. "I only said that stuff because I knew it would make Oro mad. I didn't mean it."
A corner of my mouth twitched into a brief flash of a wry smile. "I don't even know what you said, Asuma," I replied curtly. "I'm just pissed off that you said it to everyone behind my back – that you even said it at all if you didn't mean it."
Asuma took a drag and exhaled. Then he gazed at me curiously and said, "What, they didn't tell you what happened?"
"No, they did not," I confirmed, a shade testily. "They were about to when I lost my patience with the whole situation and walked off."
"Oh..."
"Yes. As you may have realised, I'm none too happy right now."
"Sorry."
"So you should be."
Asuma fell silent for a moment, then said, "I swear I didn't mean it, Sasuke. I guess I was just kind of disappointed that you got together with him at all. First I heard of it was when Naruto came into work the day after Jiraiya's 50th. No one could get a hold of you that night – I remember that girl Karin asking me if I'd seen you. I had my suspicions, though, because he was eyeing you up all night at that party – kept staring at you like you were unreal or something. And I was right. I knew he'd end up getting you into bed. He's—"
Slightly agitated, he trailed off for a second while thinking on how best to express his disdain for my significant other while I sat there seething quietly, trying my best not to answer back. He obviously sensed my annoyance and decided to give up on stating his opinion outright, instead opting for relevant examples that would convey his opinion of the boss in a more subtle manner.
"I remember meeting that Kimimaro kid a couple of times when dad was having a family parties," he began. As soon as he invoked the spectre of Kimimaro, my ears pricked up instantly. "Oro invited him along as his partner. It was the first time he'd ever brought any of his dirty little secrets to see mum and dad – and they loved it. Lapped it right up. They were so pleased their little Oro-kins was maybe finally going to grow up and settle down with someone – never mind it was with some poor, infatuated kid about half his age.
They were disappointed when it came crashing down. I don't even know why – because I knew it would. When it comes to relationships, Oro ruins everything he touches, so why would that time have been any different? I was kind of glad," he said with a hint savage pride in his eyes. "He's always gets everything else he wants without any trouble. Dad would give him anything, seriously. He knows what he's like but he always turns a blind eye to his perfect Orochimaru."
It was then that realisation finally dawned. The strife between Asuma and the boss which had hitherto seemed inexplicable to me, was now clear: it was nothing more than a bog-standard case of sibling rivalry. I don't know why I didn't see it before, because being Itachi's younger brother, I am all too aware of such familial tension. I guess I simply did not connect the two of them together – despite the boss's admission at Christmas that he considers the Sarutobis his surrogate family.
Nonetheless, it struck me as odd, because they wouldn't have grown up together, the boss being about twenty-three when Asuma would've been born. I'm not sure how old the Sarutobis' daughter is (I know they have one and that she's Konohamaru's mother) but I'm guessing she'd roughly be of age with Asuma – and despite the histrionics regarding the Christmas decorations, Konohamaru has never had a major problem with the boss that I know of.
Despite myself, I was curious, so I kept my mouth shut and let Asuma reminisce and treat me like his therapist. He went on.
"After Oro left Konoha-Suna to work for that bunch of cut-throats in Akatsuki – sorry, Sasuke, I know your brother works there, but it's true – he totally went off the rails. Now, I knew the signs, because I went off the rails myself when I was a kid, and my parents sent me to a monastery to straighten me out. It was so damned obvious, but mum and dad couldn't see it – or, more accurately, they wouldn't see it. He didn't call them for months at a time, and they could never get a hold of him. They were getting worried, and I couldn't stand seeing him treat them that way after all they'd done for him, so I called him myself one day.
He was trashed when he answered, and I couldn't get much sense out of him, but I told him to call my dad or else. He must've done it, because dad invited him to his 60th birthday party at the house. Dad invited Jiraiya and Tsunade too because he thought it might encourage Oro to come. Ha, that was a mistake. All three of them were going through a bad phase back then: Jiraiya turned up with some hooker he'd met a week before and Tsunade was paralytic on the floor in a couple of hours after drinking herself into a coma. Oro was the worst, though. Showed up two hours late, and when my mum brought him inside... he was a mess. He was emaciated, Sasuke, almost skeletal. His pupils had dilated so much you could hardly see the colour of his weird eyes – and he was so out of it he didn't even notice he had a bloody nose.
It was disgusting. My mum started crying when she saw him – she must've finally realised the truth – and she started asking him what was taking and how long he'd been doing it for. Oro had the cheek to get mad at her, telling her to shut up, saying that it was none of her business, that she wasn't his mother, and that he'd do whatever he liked, whenever he liked.
Now, I was on weekend leave from the monastery specially so I could go to my dad's party, and I was thinking, "Ungrateful piece of shit - don't you dare talk to my mother like that!" I stood up, I got in his face, Oro called me a failure or something else he always calls me and we got into a fist fight before my dad split us up. It was horrible. Oro was calling me for everything, and then he got into a fight with my dad. It was scary. I'd never seen my dad that angry before – even when the police brought me home one night after I drove his car into the pond in the park. Oro was on a whole other level, though. He totally freaked out. I mean, it was obviously the coke talking, but it was like he went berserk. I didn't even know what he was saying half the time, it was just a long, ranting string of abuse. He was throwing stuff and breaking things and my dad just took a hold of him, dragged him outside and threw him into the car. He said he was taking Oro to hospital and that he wasn't leaving Oro until he got clean."
Asuma paused for a moment to take a drag of this smoke. Then he turned to face me and said, with a sad smile, "But do you know the most fucking irritating thing, Sasuke?"
"What?" I asked, utterly transfixed.
"My dad fucking did it. Stayed with Oro every day and every night at the clinic until he was clean. Oro quit his job at Akatsuki and everything. They weren't happy about it, or so I heard, but you know Oro – to hell with the consequences as long as he's the one benefiting. My mum went every day to visit him, even after all the stuff he said to her, and it was round about that time I came home from the monastery for good.
For years I'd been away from home, making a hell of an effort to straighten myself out, on my own with no one else to rely on. When I finally come home, I see this reprobate fucking junkie with my parents – my mum and dad – wrapped around his little finger. They dropped everything to help him but they sent me away? I mean, I know they love Oro and everything, hell knows they made it obvious, but it was all I heard when I was a kid: "Orochimaru did this. Orochimaru did that. Isn't Orochimaru clever, Asuma? Isn't Orochimaru wonderful? I know Orochimaru did X when he was X years old, but we're not expecting you to be like him, Asuma. Why can't you be more like Orochimaru, Asuma? Doesn't the sun shine out Oro's ass, Asuma?
I couldn't live up to him before and even then he was still the one they liked best. It's always been that way. Whenever Oro screws up, my dad jumps. He left my New Years' party early because the stupid shit went and got heat stroke. It makes me mad, Sasuke, real mad because it's all a fucking stroll for him. Things just get handed to him on a plate – and he takes them. When he was discharged from the clinic, he stayed at my parents' house for a week or so, and he kept saying he would make it up to them, that he would make them proud one day because he had this big idea that he wanted to get off the ground. Six months later, he had his own company, and a year after that, it was floated on the stock market. As I said: one big, fucking stroll. Did you know my dad was intending to make Oro CEO of Konoha-Suna when he retired?"
Trying to disguise my surprise, I said I did not.
"Not many people do, though it was obvious to everyone that that was what my dad wanted. Turns out he didn't need to, though. Oro's company ended up successful enough to hold its own even against us. Namikaze Minato got promoted to Oro's old job, poor guy, but that didn't last long."
"What happened?" I asked, recalling the grinning blonde bloke who attended the boss's leaving night from the photographs.
"No one really knows," Asuma said, taking a last drag from his cigarette before stubbing it out on the grass. "He was shot dead outside his house. The killers were never found, but I think it was something to do with that fucking Mizu lot. There was a lot of shady business going on then, and I think Minato got caught up in it. Not that he was actually involved. More like he didn't want to be involved – he was a real straight up guy, Minato – and they got their panties in a twist and took him out because he refused. His wife, Kushina, was killed too. They had a kid, just a little guy at the time, probably would be your age now, come to think of it, but social work got in there before we could, so we don't know what happened to him. The kid probably grew up in care."
I thought of all the people I knew who'd grown up in the care of the state – a surprisingly large number, including myself, my brother, Naruto and Deidara – and I sympathised.
"Oro was lucky," Asuma said, groaning slightly as he stood up and stretched himself on stiff legs. "But for my mum and dad, he could've been one of them."
He held out a hand to me, and I took it, feeling him pull me to my feet.
"But yeah, I'm sorry Sasuke," he said sincerely. "I just said some stuff to him about how shit he was at relationships and sort of threw your name in there. I didn't mean it. You're alright, Sasuke. I don't want to see him taking advantage."
I shrugged and shook my head, managing a wry smile. "I forgive you," I said. "But don't let it happen again. I'm serious about that, I don't want my weekend ruined because you two can't get along. When you get back to the camp – ignore him. Swear to me you'll ignore him because if you don't, I'm going to have to murder you both in your sleep."
Grinning, Asuma swore on his life that he would do his best to ignore the boss, and together we embarked upon the long walk back to our tents. We didn't really say much. Asuma had talked himself out, no doubt, and as for me, well... I had been given a lot to think about.
One of the things I most admire about the boss is the way he seems to be in control of every situation in which he finds himself. He's incredibly meticulous in that regard, as he wants to know everything that's going on round about him (a few less kind words for describing him would be control-freak, authoritarian, despot and tyrant.) I guess his brief descent into the realms of middle-class, drug-fuelled madness at Akatsuki and subsequent recovery brought about that particular personality trait: from directionless hedonist to the man with the big idea. It was weird. I still can't quite picture the boss as a board room junkie. Well, perhaps it isn't so much 'cannot picture' as 'do not want to picture' – a bit like the Sarutobis, I guess (affection does tend to blind one to the worst faults of others.)
In the middle of a rather morbid bout of speculation as to what might have become of the boss had Sarutobi not intervened, I was rather surprised to see the very object of my imaginings standing a few feet away with Kabuto as we clambered over the protruding roots of a row of trees and emerged onto the main path. They were speaking with someone who was sitting on the grass. I turned to Asuma, opening my mouth to excuse myself, but he had already noticed.
"Go on," he said, smiling. "I don't know what you see in him, but I won't hold it against you. I'll see you back at camp."
I grinned, thanked him and waved goodbye before jogging over to where the boss and Kabuto were standing.
This is when the second 'interesting' thing happened.
Initially, I had intended to sneak up behind the boss and prod him in the kidneys with both fingers while singing "Guess who?" Instead, I stopped short and darted behind the nearest tent when I discerned the familiar and unwelcome figure of Kaguya Kimimaro sitting on the grass, his legs crossed, looking exhausted, dirty and utterly dejected. Luckily, he hadn't spotted me and his big turquoise-blue eyes were looking up at Kabuto, who was questioning him about something.
"So what happened to your tent?"
Kimimaro sighed, running a grubby hand through his hair, and said, "The second we got here, my idiot cousin decided to drink all the vodka we brought. We had enough to last the entire weekend. He then thought it would be hilarious fun to rip up the tent that I had spent half an hour putting up – with no help from him, I might add – and treat it like a hamster ball. I left for ten minutes – ten minutes – and when I came back the tent was gone. I would've had no idea what happened if the people camping next to us hadn't told me. I went to see if I could find him, to no avail. I've passed a few people who saw him, though, and they said the tent is absolutely wrecked."
As he went on, his voice became higher as his agitation increased. "And I don't know what I'm going to do! I don't have enough money for a new tent! I only brought enough for food and beer tokens, and I don't know where I'm going to sleep tonight." He paused for a moment to catch his breath, and then he smiled in a nasty sort of way that I would not have expected from him and said, "I was contemplating the possibility of robbing some tents before you showed up."
"Kimimaro-kun," the boss began matter-of-factly, "I will not have you skulking around robbing tents after dark like a common thief."
Dipping into his back pocket, he fished out a wallet and began to count out notes, but Kimimaro recoiled, aghast.
"Orochimaru-sama!" he said, mortified. "No! Absolutely not!"
"Don't be ridiculous, you silly boy. Here," the boss insisted, thrusting a wad of cash in Kimimaro's face. "Take it and buy yourself another tent."
"No! I am not going to take it. Please, Orochimaru-sama, do not make me."
"I will not have you sleeping rough. What if it rains?"
This remark caused Kimimaro to hesitate. He looked at the cash, tempted for a brief moment, before his resolve kicked in once again.
"No, Orochimaru-sama!" he wailed. "I will not! Please... I- I'll find Kimihito and get the tent back. We brought duct tape. It'll be okay."
Filthy, technically homeless, down on his luck and being offered money by his ex, Kimimaro looked as though he was about cry. Strangely enough, Kabuto, the one person who Kimimaro really made life miserable for, took pity on him.
"Kimimaro-kun," he began, crouching down to look him in the eye, "if you want, you can come back with me to our tent for a bit – get yourself cleaned up, have something to eat, sort yourself out – and you can look for your cousin later. Okay?"
Kimimaro stared at him, the merest glimmer of stubborn resentment flashing in his eyes, before he sighed and said, "Fine..."
Then, to my horror, Kabuto added, "And if you can't find him, you're staying with us. It's a six-man tent and there's three of us in it: me, and Hatake Kakashi and Umino Iruka from Konoha-Suna. You don't know them, but they're perfectly fine, and they won't mind squeezing someone else in – especially someone as puny as you. Why what haven't you been eating, Kimimaro?"
Kabuto grinned evilly and prodded Kimimaro in the ribs, an action which elicited a tired smile from the younger man. "Don't tease me, Kabuto-sempai. I haven't been feeling so good lately and I don't feel like eating. I'm so tired and I've got a horrible cold I just can't seem to shake."
As Kabuto helped Kimimaro to his feet, the boss gazed around the campsite as though he was looking for something. Then he said, "If you're taking Kimimaro-kun back to your tent, then I'm going to go look for Sasuke-kun. I must get to him before Asuma does, or god knows what lies he'll feed him..."
From my vantage point behind the tent, I must confess I smirked a bit as I watched the boss whip round on his heel and stride down the path in his hoodie and wellies. When the boss was gone, I heard Kimimaro say to Kabuto as they passed by my hiding place, a hint of apprehension apparent in his voice, "Sasuke is here?"
There was a pause, in which I assume Kabuto must've nodded because I couldn't see what was going on. Then Kimimaro sighed and said, "That's fine. I don't care. What I want more than anything right now is to feel clean and have somewhere to sleep – and to break Kimihito's neck, the piece of trash that he is, but I'll settle for never seeing him again for the rest of my life. I hope he drinks himself to death."
Kabuto laughed at Kimimaro's surprisingly venomous quip, but I didn't hear his answer because by that time they were a good way away. Following them was not an option, as it meant I would have had to negotiate a hazardous guy-rope forest, which is never a good idea even if one is sober. Instead, I darted out from behind the random tent and sprinted down the path in the opposite direction, taking the long way back to Red camp.
If I am forced to admit it, it was probably a fortunate thing I spied Kimimaro when I did, because when I arrived back at the tents, he was there already, sitting next to Kakashi on the blow up sofa, cleaning his face with some wet wipes. The knowledge afforded to me by means of my underhand spying tactics meant that I could pretend to be cool, blasé, supremely unconcerned about his presence in the camp and the fact that he would be but one tent away from the boss for the whole weekend. To tell you the truth, it didn't bother me perhaps as much as it should have. Probably because I had only just witnessed the boss display his affection for me in a scenario where he did not have to pretend to please me; he left Kimimaro with Kabuto so he could go look for me. I was clearly still the favourite and there was no real danger in him being there.
So I strolled into camp with my head held high, waves of the infamous Uchiha arrogance and pride rolling off me and drowning everyone else in an ocean of despair because they can never be as hot shit awesome as me. Kimimaro's eyes flickered towards me for a moment and in that brief period of eye contact, I made my message clear: "You are nothing to me but a nasty little mediocrity," my eyes said, "and you're only here because I'm tolerating your presence. If you dare make a move on Orochimaru-sama, I won't hold back this time."
To keep up appearances, though, I tilted my head in Kabuto's direction, my eyes not leaving Kimimaro, and asked with all the cold hauteur I could muster, "What's he doing here?"
"He's lost his tent, Sasuke," Kabuto said casually, taking a swig from a two litre bottle of Strongbow. "His cousin got drunk and was running about inside it. It's more than likely destroyed by now."
Kimimaro's face reddened and he doubled his efforts with the wet wipes – trying to hide behind them, no doubt.
I smirked. "Oh? Was that your tent? I saw it go flying past earlier on. Your cousin was going at quite a pace. So what's the matter? Don't have enough cash to buy a new one?"
Kimimaro's blush deepened and I saw a spark of resentment in his eyes. I felt a sudden rush at having wounded him so and had to fight very hard to keep from grinning.
"Oh well. Never mind," I said, smiling nastily. "I suppose you're lucky Kabuto took pity on you. In fact, I suppose you're lucky I'm taking pity on you – and I am, because I'm a nice person – otherwise you'd be out on your arse."
I know, I know, that was a big, fat lie. Never in a million years would I let Kimimaro near me if I could help it – but in a flash of inspiration, I realised that I could not help it, so I should find the best way to turn the situation to my advantage. Hence the power-trip in the cunning guise of morality.
Turning on my heel, I stalked over to the tent, unzipped the door and kicked off my wellies before spinning round on my backside and crawling inside. I almost had a heart attack when I saw the boss inside, sitting cross-legged atop his own camp bed. I knew right then and there that he'd heard everything I'd said.
He regarded me in quite a curious manner; it was a look of his that always disconcerts me because I never know how to read it, never know whether he's going to blow up in my face or kiss me. Beckoning me over, he held out his arms to receive me. He wasn't mad, and I realised I was going to get away with it. I shuffled across the groundsheet on my knees, plonked down next to him on the camp bed and let him pull me into a cuddle.
Placing a kiss on the top of my head, he said, "That was quite cruel of you, Sasuke-kun, but I'm glad you've taken it so well."
I shrugged in a non-committal sort of way because I didn't want him to think he could make it a regular occurrence. Trust him, though, to see through my power trip. Only he could.
"But where have you been?" he asked. "I've been looking all over for you."
I don't know why, but I think during my short exchange with Kimimaro I became a little drunk on power and got a taste for it. I'm ashamed to admit this, but... well... how many opportunities would I have in life for being one step ahead of the boss in the age old game of emotional manipulation and control? Not many. And the fact that Kimimaro was right outside meant that I had to take affirmative action to ensure I remained top dog.
Hence my deliberately cagey reply. "I had a little chat with Asuma," I said. "Bumped into him outside the first aid tent in Green."
As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt the boss stiffen. Success. I had hit the mark.
"So you heard about our argument then. What sort of lies did he feed you?"
"Well, I didn't really think they were lies, but I suppose it would be nice if you could confirm them for me," I said, turning to smile at him. "He told me some story about you showing up to Sarutobi's 60th birthday party off your face on blow and starting a fight. He also told me that you quit your job because of it and that you went into rehab. Seems you were quite the party animal, Orochimaru-sama."
There was a long silence before the boss replied. "That was a long time ago, Sasuke-kun. A momentary lapse of control. I've been clean for years. My only vice now is alcohol."
"Oh?" I said casually, wrapping an arm around his waist and guiding him down onto the camp bed. "And what about me?"
I went in for the kill before the boss could answer, but when I pulled back for air, his eyes were glittering with lust, and I felt him say, his breath hot and smelling faintly of vodka, his lips against mine, "I may be going mad, Sasuke-kun, but I think I might even give up alcohol if you asked it of me."
I made sure we stayed in the tent for a while after that because I wanted to seal the deal, and when we emerged from the tent, I knew that my manipulation had been more successful than I could ever have dreamed of. The boss didn't say a word to Kimimaro the rest of the night; he was glued to my side and seemed quite happy to stay there. It appeared that Asuma had also taken my advice and was rigorously ignoring the boss, limiting his conversation to those he knew wouldn't rile him and not hanging around camp much.
Myself? I am feeling utterly fantastic. My fortunes have turned and I am riding on a high. I am totally in control of this situation and everything around me. The boss is toeing the line, Asuma is toeing the line, Kimimaro is staying the hell away and everyone else thinks I'm Saint Sasuke for letting him stay. The best thing about it? I have made this happen. I now know how the boss feels on a daily basis – and it feels fucking great.
Oh, but the boss! He did something hilariously funny about an hour ago. Lord, I almost wet myself laughing, it was so special.
I don't know where it came from or why we started doing it, but for some reason somebody decided it would be a good idea to make a toast 'to Iruka's birthday' every time they took a first drink out of something. It ended up catching on, and by about nine o'clock, everyone was doing it – even the people next to us who had no idea who Iruka was. The boss and Jiraiya were a bit drunk and they had somehow convinced themselves that it actually was Iruka's birthday, and they started pestering the girls, trying to get them to give Iruka a lap dance. When the girls refused adamantly, the boss tried Neji because he said he "looked a bit like a girl". Unsurprisingly, Neji also refused and said that the same could apply to the boss. The two of them were forced to venture further afield, and wandered through the other tents to the path. Eventually, they brought back a fat, bearded man who was willing to dance in exchange for a two litre bottle of Strongbow.
The boss presented the man with his prize, and announced that for the rest of the evening, he would be known as Tiffany. The man saluted, grinned and then proceeded to straddle Iruka and wiggle his arse in his face. Iruka had gone chalk white, but everyone else was roaring with laugher, cheering the guy on. When the boss demanded he remove some articles of clothing to make it more authentic, the guy not only peeled off his t-shirt and whirled it around his head, but also pulled down his pants, whipped his wang out, windmilled it for a bit and then slapped it against Iruka's face. At that point I was helpless with laughter. Seriously. I was actually in pain and was having trouble breathing. After the brief display, the fat man known as Tiffany picked up his cider and ran off, chortling all the way back to his tent. Iruka sat on his chair, stunned, and then wandered off, muttering dark things about the boss and Jiraiya.
Oh well. It's nearly one am. I'm going to wake the boss up and see if he wants to go down to the big fire. There are poi and bongos and dancing, or so I've heard, and I'm feeling charitable, so I might even let Naruto paint my face. Should be fun.
Will write tomorrow at some point!
- - - -
AN: Jeez, this chapter really took me for a ride. I had planned to do the whole festival in one go, but Oro, Asuma and Kimimaro had other ideas. I'm glad they ganged up on my plan and beat it into submission, though, because I kind of like the way this one turned out. Mainly because Sasuke has decided to turn a leetle bit evil. It's Oro's own fault. A guy with Sasuke's genes going out with a ruthless manipulator like him - it was bound to happen sooner or later! I still feel kind of sorry for Kimimaro (but I also find it quite fun to torture him - is that wrong?)
Also, I would like to recommend the following fic to you: Shadowplay by NayanRoo. It is a fantabulous and well-written gangster AU and has the creepiest Oro and Madara ever. I love it. It rawks my sawks. Chromde has already read it (because she always seems to have beaten me to every fic I come across on this site, lol) but for the rest of you guys, it's cool. Wander across and take a look.
As for the manga? This was my reaction to the latest chapter: "NOOOOOOOO, MADARA!! LEAVE TEH SAUCE ALONE, U SLIMY FUCK!! SAUCE, WHAT IS RONG WIT U? HEZ USIN U 2 DESTROY TEH KONOHAZ!! WAI U NO SEE?" Also, Mizukage wtf?
But I'm going to have to get over my outrage at Madara's manipulatin skillz, because it's time for thank-yous!
NayanRoo (I shall make a mental note that you can be bribed with delicious sandwiches and pizza, should I ever find myself in a situation where I have to do a Madara. But yes! Oh my god, Madara! He is so a gentleman slimeball. Mizukage anyone? It was a bit of a wtf situation for me at first, but now I'm thinking, yeah that's cool actually. And Akatsuki could've been a real force if they'd kept it together - two more of its members aside from Maddy dearest ended up rulers of hidden villages. Oh yeah, and I plugged your fic because its awesome. XD)
Nozomi-sama (Aie! I succumb to your tackleglomphuggle and congratulate on your attempt to eat Madara's face - a hard task as it's covered up with that fetching orange mask. It does look like a lollipop, but probably doesn't taste like one. I'd imagine the inside of it would be particularly unsavoury, since Madara never takes the damn thing off. Eww. XD I'm so glad you liked Sai and Sasori. It never occurred to me before I started writing that chapter. That was another thing that just sprung itself on me.)
NaruGuru (Hello again, you fantastic person you! Kishi-sensei is pure awesome indeed. I am waiting patiently to see where he's going to go with this amazing line he's spun us - civil war with bijuu nukes? Naruto against Sasuke? Evil Madara returning from the grave? And where does Kabutomaru figure in all this? I am excited. Also, I am glad you liked the Itachi Sasuke interaction. I love writing them - can you tell, lol? They're both so angsty, but in different ways. I cheer for the Uchiha brothers.)
Kokura (There are no words that can adequately express how amazingly fucking lolworthy that review was. Seriously. I had tears in my eyes. XD I am impressed by your insight and vision and would be honoured to join forces with you to enlighten the masses and change the world. All hail the wisdom of the doctrine of the Long Pube - may it prosper and send its message of glory, love and the virtues of trimming for ten thousand years. Your dream vision was quite astounding. I am wondering whether it was the ice cream that did it? Truly it is a food worthy of gods. Also, I am in agreement with the Long Pube cast in gold. The pube of Jesus would most certainly be gold, reflecting his fair skin and hair because Jesus was obviously a white man from Oxford. ;-))
Aperion (You're the first reviewer to pick up on the Schopenhauer thing. It so fits canon Sasuke, doesn't it? He's such a little angster. Oro reads him regularly in this fic too; mainly because I have this idea that canon Orochimaru is a nihilist. I was going to write an essay on it for NF forums, but it would mean picking up some books on it, and no one wants that kind of heavy stuff lying on their minds. It always makes me depressed, lol. I'm glad you liked Sasori's line. Made me chortle too. XD)
ArilianaFireQueen (Oh, I see now. That makes much in the way of sense. But wha? You're doing a history presentation on George Clooney? Lol! XD I love it! Hope it went well and glad you liked the chapter.)
Bri (You are so right. The manga is a little bit confuzzling at the moment, though I am sort of in love with all the subterfuge and deception. I really miss Oro and I hope that he'll come back at some point, but Madara is excellent for the time being. He actually reminds me of Oro a lot; their storylines have gone in a similar direction. I'm crossing my fingers for civil war in Konoha. That would be excellent. I'm glad you liked the Sasuke Itachi interaction. They're such little angsters, it's great fun to write.)
hieilover135 (Ah, so you're a science buff are you? I always admire the sciencey types because it's all Greek to me. Except that if I wanted, I could probably learn Greek quite easily. Hmmm... Need a better analogy. Let's say it's all algebra to me. Yeah, that works much better. XD Yeah, SOAS is a bit of a language/business school so probably wouldn't be best for you. Hope your exams went well! Alas, I cannot tell you what's going on with Madara and Itachi, but hopefully it won't be too long before you find out. But since I know how much you like Lee, he's going to get a moment in the sun next chapter.)
Dooki (Thanks so much for such nice comments. I'm trying my best to make each chapter different so it won't get boring for you guys. It might sound weird, but I can't wait for this section to be over because I want to get to a particular bit in the story so bad. It's getting quite hard waiting, lol, but it needs to be done. Character development is very important. I'm not just going to spring shit on you like Kishimoto does. XD
chibibaka1 (Lol, you have got it in one. Sasuke does not realise it, but being an Uchiha has its downsides: he will be forever condemned to live under public scrutiny, no matter how much he tries to avoid it. And I try my best to fit canon into this, though it's hard work sometimes. I was tearing my hair out a while ago when Kishimoto threw us the "Itachi Eye-Snatcher" curveball, because it almost ruined the ending I'd planned for this fic. Thankfully, he saw the error of his ways and instead gave me an absolute gift. So yes. It's all going according to plan. -evilgrin- I'm glad you liked the Sasori and Deidara's artwork. I have no idea where it came from, but if something like that ever turned up in the real Turner prize, I wouldn't be surprised.)
Chromde (Yay! Hello again, O wondrous Chromde. NayanRoo's Madara is truly great. He's so sleazy, it gives me the heebie-jeebies. I also noticed you beat me to discovering that fic, lol. It's fabulous stuff. I'm so with you on Sasori/Sai. It was one of those things that just, like, hit me in the middle of writing. I thought, "Man, why didn't I think of that before?" And so it went in. I fear for Sai, though. Sasori will corrupt him, there is no doubt about that. I did indeed come up with every single damn thing in the Gurner prize shortlist. No, I do not smoke crack or take LSD. XD I'm so glad you liked the interaction between the Uchiha brothers. I squeed while writing, I kid you not.)
YoungSasuke (Hello there! Nice to see you on the review boards again. Oh, the Uchiha brothers! They are so clever in some things but so incredibly dense in others. I'm afraid I've rather grown to like them through writing this. I'm so glad you like Deidara. Aside form Oro, he's one of the most fun to write - he's such a mentalist. I can totally go mad with him.)
Tristechan (I recognise your screen name... -goes to check- Aha! You reviewed Sasori and the Stolen Bananas. Thank you for that! Oh the Uchiha brothers, though, they are so tragic. I shed a small tear when Sasuke cried for his brother in the manga. You silly boy! You should've used those eyes for love and understanding, not hate and vengeance - they you might have been able to see through your brother's ruse.)
danni quinn (Lol, sorry about the lengthy delay between updates last time round. I can't even remember why I took so long. It is a far cry from last year when I had just finished my finals, had nothing to do and could update every couple of days or so (though I don't think I could do that again - I ended up burning out. Not so nice). But you got a puppy? That is... like... so amazingly cool. I love dogs - they're my favourites! What kind of dog did you get and what did you name it? I hope the sex-deprived Oro chan met your approval in this chapter. XD)
fiore777 (Thanks for the good luck wishes. I kind of needed them, lol. I suppose I should update my LJ and tell people what went on, because it was sort of important. XD I'm really bad at updating (though not as bad as you, lol. I know you're a mod at NF forums and everything, but that's no excuse. C'mon, update! XD) The sinister painting is the one known all over the interwabz as the "Haunted Ebay painting". It's called Hands Resist Him and it's by a guy called Bill Stoneham. It give me the creeps looking at it. I used to watch people play videogames too. I remember being on walkthrough duty when Silent Hill came out and crapping myself when the cat burst out the locker. XD)
Kagekatsu (Lol, no offence taken. Loads of people have said that to me already about this fic, that they don't normally read yaoi, don't like Oro/Sasu, or pairings in general, but can tolerate this work of weirdness for some reason. Maybe it's because I don't even think of this yaoi myself when I'm writing. It's first and foremost something designed to make people laugh, and that side consequently comes through more than anything else. The OroSasu stuff is just a comedy side-effect. Thanks for taking the time to review, and I hope you liked this chapter.)
Zinjah (You're back! Woo! Yes, I don't quite know how I would react if someone presented something like that to me. I'm guessing it would be much like Sasuke in that I'd pretend to love it and secretly think, "Eww, gross. There's jizz everywhere." XD Thanks for taking the time to review. Hope this chapter met your approval!)
killerdoodlebug (Why hello there! A new reviewer! Always like me some new reviewers - and this one writes little poems that make me grin like a loon! But yeah, your comment about not liking the pairings but liking the story nonetheless, it's like I was saying to Kagekatsu earlier. Loads of folk have said stuff like that, but really like the story anyway for some reason. I guess it's because I treat ADitL strictly as a comedy fic - the sex and pairings are just part of that, not the main reason for it. I'm sorry I couldn't fit in Kabuto's birthday, but I simply had to put in a time-skip, otherwise I would've gone mad. XD)
Beqs (Yay! Another new reviewer! But oh my, I am your second favourite author ever? I blush a deep and furious red. I'm definitely not mad about taking second fiddle to the god of story writing that his Terry Pratchett. I could never dream of surpassing him. He is too amazingly good. Lol, it would've taken you quite a long time to review every single chapter of this story, so I understand. I wouldn't have if I were you. XD I'm so glad you like it, though, and I hope this chapter met your approval.)