A Day in the Life
AN: I have to thank my auntie Anne for the medical info. I tried reading journals, but I'm not a doctor. She is, so it was easier just to phone and ask.
July 27th
DAY NINE
It is ten minutes past ten in the morning and I appear to the be first one up. This does not surprise me in the least, as my eyes pinged open three hours earlier - despite the fact I ended up going to bed at four and really shouldn't have been awake at all. The reason for my premature awakening? My bladder was trying to tell me something. Quite urgently.
I lay there awake for a while, staring at the roof of the tent, weighing up the benefits of paying a visit to the portaloos versus staying in my warm, cosy sleeping bag and listening to the boss murmuring to himself. I wanted to stay in the tent, but when my intestines went "squawblabblablablabaubagurgle", I knew I could put it off no longer.
I did my best not to wake the boss during the mad scramble to vacate my sleeping bag (I have decided that they not only serve as camping essentials, but also man traps – it took me far too long to wriggle out of the damn thing!) Then, with the sheer single-mindedness that only comes about when one is desperate to pay a visit to the porcelain throne, I snatched up my toilet roll, wellies and the boss's purple fractal hoodie. After hopping around on one foot in that undignified dance one performs when trying to put on footwear in a hurry, I eventually managed to unzip the tent door and hit the grassy path at a run. You will notice how desperate I was, as I forsook trousers entirely, being somewhat short on time. If I had stayed to search for my cargo pants, I would have doubtless soiled myself.
My boxers flapping in the pleasant, slightly cool, morning breeze, I sprinted down the path, round the corner and along to the portaloos. People waved at me as I passed by them in a cloud of dust, but my pressing situation rendered me unable to engage in social niceties. Needing a shit in a really bad way can do that to you, I find.
When I screeched to a halt at the little portaloo square, my eyes scanning my surroundings, I was relieved to discover there were no queues. Hell yes, thought I, and I charged over to the first in the row.
I almost threw up when I wrenched open the door and the wave of fetid turd stench poured out and assailed my nostrils. The sight inside was absolutely horrendous and quite possibly the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. There was a mound of shit in the toilet – I kid you not. It rose just above the seat, bound together with urine-saturated bog roll and watery vomit. Perched cheekily at the summit of the mound was a freshly laid, neatly curled crap that someone must have gone to a lot of bother to put there because their arse would've had to hover over the mound to do it.
I realised then why the boss had taken all those Immodium tablets and ended up unable to shit for a fortnight. Orochimaru-sama, I am sorry I laughed at you.
Horror-struck, I gagged and I slammed the door shut, clamping my hands over my mouth and willing the sour, lingering smell to get the hell out of my nose. It was only then that I noticed a few other dejected-looking people checking the portaloos, opening and slamming doors shut after cursory quality scans. Others were standing forlornly in the middle of the square, trying to hold in their pee by jigging while wondering whether they should go for it or not.
As soon as I registered the competition, my search for an at least usable portaloo began in earnest. I could not have one of those lowlifes beating me, an Uchiha, to a clean toilet. I checked one, two, three, four, five – all varying degrees of vile. Shit everywhere. Absolutely no good. The sixth, however…
Beyond all hope, it was reasonably clean. The shit was inside the toilet, no one had pissed all over the seat, and there was even half a roll left that hadn't disintegrated all over the floor. I must confess that in my desperate state, I did not consider there might be a reason why this particular portaloo had remained relatively untouched – I simply whooped with glee and darted inside, locking the door shut, unable to believe my luck. In a flash, I had dropped my boxers and sat down, revelling in the imminent joy of relief.
It was then that I saw where all the shit had actually gone.
Now, I cannot imagine how drunk/high/possibly both you would have to be to not notice that you'd shat up the inside of a door. I also cannot imagine how drunk/high/possibly both you would have to be to then smear it all over the damned door with your hands (perhaps an attempt to clean it up? I can only guess.)
Needless to say, I was a shade traumatized. Nausea rose, and I had to fight it in case I added some inadvertent colour to the shit-splatter. To make things worse, in response to this most stomach-churning turn of events, my anal aperture decided that it would no longer cooperate and it squeezed itself shut in protest. This caused me to weep hot, salty tears of despair because I really, really, really needed to go. Eventually, I managed to convince it that if it just manned up and got everything done that needed to be done, I would be up and out in a nanosecond and all parties would benefit. Closing my eyes and filtering the air through my fingers helped wonders too.
Once finished, I gingerly unlocked the door (trying not to touch the shitty bits) and emerged, gasping for breath, into the clean, fresh air of the campsite. I must've looked a bit green, because two guys came over to ask if I was alright.
All this has happened… and I have no one to complain to! Not a single one of the lazy sods are out of their tents. Not even the boss is charitable enough to comfort me in my time of need – even though I was EXTREMELY careful not to wake him up earlier on. I was considerate, so why can't he be considerate and lend an ear so I can bitch for half a second? When I got back to the tent, wanting to talk about the horrors I had witnessed (I mean, I need to talk about these things, otherwise I will only internalise them and develop even more anxiety problems than I already have) the boss was still asleep, lying on his camp bed, facing the other way. I crept over and gave him a little shake – and do you know what he said? He said, in an impatient and self-righteous tone, "Sasuke-kun, the tent is cold and damp and I am very tired. Please leave me alone. I will talk to you later."
What a dick. I mean, seriously. Would it kill him to think about other people for once?
Oh well. I'd better head off to the breakfast van before the queue gets too long. And I am not letting anyone into the line later on! Not even if they beg. Serves them right. Bunch of lazy shits.
LATER:
Jiraiya pushed in. What a wanker. I was only five from the front, too! It really bothers me when people do that. I mean, I was the one who joined the back of the line and waited for half an hour in the queue, and he just saunters up, cuts in and expects me to be okay about it? I don't think so.
I expressed my displeasure at Jiraiya's distinctly inconsiderate behaviour and suggested he wait his turn like everyone else. He then, with characteristic rudeness, laughed in my face and told me to get bent. He said that he needed some tea for Kiku because she had been sick. I said it served her right for drinking so much of that blue WKD crap the night before and that it was no excuse for cutting in line since I was the one who had done all the waiting. Jiraiya then told me to, and I quote, "lighten the fuck up" and butt-checked me out of the way.
Resigned in the face of Jiraiya's unrepentant shamelessness, I decided to capitalise upon the unlooked-for opportunity to expound upon the horror I had witnessed via the evil faecal portaloo door of doom. Even Jiraiya wrinkled his nose when I described it.
"Fuck me," he said. "That's pretty heavy."
I said, "Yes, yes it was."
He then told me that the campsite toilets are always disgusting the morning after the first night. This, apparently, is because people tend to overdo it – and the poor portaloos have to bear the brunt of their overindulgence. I said that that made sense, and Jiraiya nodded in a sage-like manner.
Then he said, "If you could've waited til the arena opened, you'd have been good to go. The shit stacks are always clean in there first thing. Smelling of lemons and everything. Me and Kakashi are sucking it up right now and waiting til those gates open. So's Oro, probably, though there's no point asking him cos there's no way in hell he's gonna tell. You know what he's like with stuff like that. But yeah, you're too late now, Uchiha, but remember it for tomorrow."
Through gritted teeth I said I would bear that in mind. Why he could not have told me this before is beyond me. Does everyone know except me? Is that why no one else is up?
At any rate, I'm back at the tent now, with some tea and two onigiri for myself: an umeboshi and a salmon. Because I am a nice person, I got the boss some tea and a tamagoyaki. He has accepted it gratefully and has finally woken up enough to be civil at least. I told him about the portaloo and he was suitably sympathetic, though he refused to give me a cuddle until I had washed my hands. Kabuto popped his sleepy head in the tent earlier and handed us one of those laminated, round-the-neck official Tea in the Park schedules with all the bands on it and the boss and I are planning which ones we want to see. The only bands I desperately want to see are Muse, the Offspring, Daft Punk and Rage Against the Machine. The latter two are headlining tomorrow night, the other two are tonight's acts.
We almost had a minor argument over the Offspring, but we have reached a compromise. I will spend part of the day (read: as much as I can stand) in the Freak Show tent with the boss, and I when I can take no more of the weird bands he likes, I'll find Naruto, Kiba and Shikamaru and whoever else is about at the Oto Alternative stage. I may even wander over to the Slam tent if I feel so inclined, or pull a few shapes at the Silent Disco. I shall go where the wind takes me.
Since I won't be back until about eleven, I'd better sign off now. The boss hired me a locker, and I'm keeping my laptop in there until the bands are finished. I am no fool. I do remember what the Skanky Ex From Hell said about tent-robbing, and I'm thinking that if I were a tent robber, now – when everyone else is away watching bands – would definitely be the best time to do it. So I'm signing off, and I shall report back later! Hopefully, I shall have some interesting tales to tell.
LATER (like, 11:00pm later):
OH HO! OH HO HO HO HO!
You may very well wonder why I am chortling in an I-know-something-you-don't-know manner. It is because I have a VERY interesting tale to tell. A very interesting tale, indeed. Just wait til you hear it. Underpants will be rendered moist, I guarantee. Even I did not see it coming, and my powers of observation are legendary!
But here it is. In caps lock and ribbed for your pleasure:
NARUTO IS GOING OUT WITH HINATA!!
Yes! I know. What the fuck? I asked myself that very same question, but it is true as two plus two equals four. Actually, that might be a bad example, because the boss has just informed me (having peered over my shoulder while I am typing – again) that two plus two does not actually equal four but it's more like three point nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine nine and so on and so forth until the end of infinity. Whatever, Orochimaru-sama. It's four. And the Naruto and Hinata situation is true – like four is four and not three point nine is true – so there! Oh, wait one second. The boss wants to say something. He's grabbing the laptop. He won't let this one go.
Orochimaru: The recurring decimal 0.(9) denotes a real number equal to one. So 1.(9) + 1.(9) equals 3.(9), which is also 4.
Okay, now… what? I don't understand that. Doesn't 1.9 + 1.9 equal 3.8?
Orochimaru: Yes, Sasuke-kun. But 1.(9) + 1.(9) equals 3.(9), not 3.8.
Ahhh… right, I think I get it. The .(9) means something different than just normal .9. Wait… oh for fuck's sake…
Now Kabuto wants to say something in reply. This is getting ridiculous…
Kabuto here. Orochimaru-sama has not taken into account the nature of infinitesimals. 0.99999999 could, in fact, represent a finite string of decimals which would, by a small amount, be less than 1 – and even if there is an infinite string of nines, there will still be a nine at the end, so it can never truly equal 1.
Orochimaru: Oh Kabuto-kun, you disappoint me. I thought you more open-minded. Clearly, you view 0.(9) as a process. It is not a process, it is an infinite, growing, object conception. Not a static, object conception like 1, but dynamic and just as fantastically real. Phantasmagoria aside, though, 0.(9) most definitely equals one. I could easily prove it to you.
Kabuto: Then step outside and bring your pen, Orochimaru-sama, and I shall step all over your proof.
Orochimaru: With pleasure. As ever, I look forward to enlightening you.
…
Wow.
I think that was, quite possibly, the geekiest conversation I have ever been privy to. Quite tense too towards the end. I mean, I know the boss is into his science in a big way, but I must say he doesn't tend to bring it home with him, on vacation, or even into meetings in the office. In fact, for as long as I've been seeing him, I have never heard him talk about anything like that in front of me. Of course, I know what goes on down in the labs, because I have to go to the meetings and listen to Kabuto telling everyone what he's been doing, then Karin explaining how she's planning on selling it, and then to Suigetsu telling us how he envisions the subsequent cover-up. Since I am now the General Manager of the north base, I have to know this stuff. I do not, however, need to understand it. I'm guessing that's the boss's line of thinking: "Do not bamboozle Sasuke-kun with science. He is a naturally charming and physically appealing young business graduate – let us play to his strengths." And that is fine by me. I do not "do" science.
As I type, Kabuto and the boss are crawling across the ground sheet past Jiraiya and Kakashi, pens at the ready, with a Strongbow label, torn off in haste, to use as paper. I am not sure why they feel the need to go outside to do it. There is ample room inside the tent. I suppose, though, they are being kind in a way by not inflicting their geekery on the rest of us normal folks who are innocently trying to gossip about Naruto and Hinata. And they probably didn't need to tear the label off Kabuto's cider – if the boss had asked one of the Followers, they would've run off and fetched him some proper paper.
Oh! In the midst of all the Naruto/Hinata excitement, I forgot about the boss's Followers! I'll have to tell you about them too. It's an odd story, but hilarious. In fact, I'd best just give you a rundown of what happened in the main arena. That should cover all bases. I can take as long as I like, since there's nothing planned, short of drinking and wandering around the campsite all night.
So here goes.
THE MAIN ARENA: DAY ONE
Today was fun. It really was. Band-wise, it panned out pretty much as I had expected it to. I spent most of the early part of the day in the Freak Show tent with the boss and Jiraiya. Kabuto, Kimimaro (I spit on his name) and Naruto floated in and out. I paid a brief visit to the Oto Alternative stage and the Slam Tent before we all pushed in near the front at the Main Stage to see Daft Punk.
As I said, the first part of the day was taken up by the weird and wonderful acts on show at the Freak Show tent. The Freak Show tent showcases bands or artists that would not normally be given time of day because they are too obscure, avant-garde, traditional or just plain wacky. The boss, I must say, was in his element. When it comes to music, he has a terrifyingly eclectic taste. He will listen to almost anything. His album collection is truly a sight to behold. I shall list the early bands I watched at the Freak Show tent and provide a short review of each.
The Freak Show stage:
Merin-Kour and Kongar-ol Ondar. These guys were pretty good. Normally solo artists, the organisers of Tea in the Park managed to convince them to team up to do a set on the Freak Show stage. They are overtone singers – very traditional, I grant you – but wonderful. There was a spiritual element to their singing that brought a tear to my eye. Though there is not much between them, I think Merin-Kour was my favourite. He was playing an instrument with two strings that looked kind of like a cello and it just made everything perfect. The boss really likes these guys, and I can see why.
Do theatre. Now, these guys were technically not a band. They are an experimental physical theatre company. Basically, what that means is some people in sinister costumes dance and tell a story with musical accompaniment (which was good, as it happens – I would describe the music as beautiful, whimsical and dark). They also have a bit of a sense of humour, and I laughed when they were throwing oranges at each other. Kimimaro (I spit on his name) left after Do theatre finished to go watch Roots Manuva with Kakashi, Kabuto, Asuma and Kurenai at the Main Stage.
Nuyorican Soul. Funky, jazzy, Latin beats with a bit of soul thrown in. It was sexy and awesome. Just what I like. Jiraiya and I enjoyed this act immensely. Nuyorican Soul is really just the two guys from Masters At Work, but it's an awesome project. They should do a bit more of that kind of stuff.
Stimmhorn. Definitely the weirdest of the lot – by a long chalk. The band consists of two guys, one yodelling and playing the accordion, the other on the alphorn. Jiraiya and I tried our hardest not to laugh when they closed with arguably their biggest hit "Triohatala" but a few sniggers slipped out. The boss gave us dirty looks. He also really likes these guys and it is his preference for artists like this that make me fear for his sanity. I mean, they were good, don't get me wrong. Very talented and all that crap – but I just didn't get it. Naruto also chose that moment to come and find us and danced in a retarded manner to all of their songs. He now really likes Stimmhorn, apparently.
It was then I decided to take a little break from the Freak Show stage and I followed Naruto outside to get some food. After navigating our way through the huge crowds, we met up with Sakura and Kiku (who had since made a miraculous recovery) by the big red van that was selling ice cream and then headed over to the Oto Alternative stage.
The Oto Alternative stage and the Naruto/Hinata Tale:
This is when all the excitement began to happen.
You know, I must say I am so goddamned happy to have an interesting tale to tell that does not involve myself and drama coinciding for once. It is a pleasant change being able to gossip about other people because I am usually the one being run through the rumour mill.
Anyway, we arrived at the Oto Alternative stage just in time for the Aquabats. The stage itself derives its name from its sponsor, from Naruto's favourite radio station, Oto Alternative FM, which specialises in playing only music that falls under the rather nebulous term "alternative". Kiba and the others had saved us a space near the front, since the Aquabats are his "FAVOURITE FUCKING BAND EVER, AND I'M NOT EVEN JOKING GUYS SO YOU BETTER NOT FUCKING TALK TO ME WHILE THEY'RE ON OR I'LL KICK YOUR ASSES!!"
And people ask me whether I miss working at Konoha-Suna…
At any rate, the Aqubats set was uneventful, apart from Naruto and Kiba whipping out green foam helmets and "bat commander masks" which they bought from Ebay and sported throughout the set. I enquired as to why they were wearing them, and Naruto explained that their dress was a tribute to the "Bat Commander". I nodded and slowly backed away.
In all honesty, I ended up rather enjoying the Aquabats. It was silly, fun, catchy third-wave ska revival and I danced like a maniac. It was during the next act, Less Than Jake, however, in which the magic happened.
Now, I love Less Than Jake. I think they're an awesome band. I have all their albums and have been to see them live several times with Naruto, Sakura and various other friends and acquaintances. They never disappoint. The band, however, have a tradition. One that is perhaps perilous to the uninitiated: at every gig, they ask the audience to form a circle pit that never fails to end up bigger and bigger until (unless you get the hell out) it ends up swallowing the whole place in a whirling maelstrom of random violence and flailing limbs.
Naruto is always at the centre of this circle pit. This is because he likes to mosh. It is one of his all-time-favourite hobbies (one which I cannot comprehend, I mean why would you voluntarily wish to have the shit kicked out of you by a rampaging bunch of strangers?) I had deliberately knackered myself from dancing by the time the band announced the formation of the circle pit because I knew what was coming, so I shrugged off Naruto's whining attempts to drag me into the centre and shoved my sweaty way further to the back so as not to get caught up in the rush. Sakura, Kiku, Shikamaru and Shino joined me because they, unlike Kiba and Naruto, are not mental.
Hinata, however… Well, I suppose I could explain away her frankly idiotic behaviour by saying that love makes one do incredibly stupid things.
As we made to cut a path through the crowds to safety, Kiku grabbed Hinata's arm and shouted, her voice hoarse from cheering, "C'mon, Hinata! I'm, like, totally getting outta here! I mean I love pits and shit but I can't go in them. There was one time I did and I, like, got totally crushed cos I'm a little smurf – so us girls gotta stick together, ya?"
Hinata hesitated, looking back towards the circle pit, space for which was rapidly being cleared.
"N-Naruto-kun…" she said anxiously, searching the crowd for his familiar blonde head. "Will he be okay?"
It was like something out of a cheesy romantic flick, I swear.
The crowd parted, and for the briefest of moments, Naruto appeared like a ray of sunshine from the heavens, his cow-print combats shining like a lurid, tacky beacon in the distance. Slowly, he turned around. Then he caught sight of us standing there and his face lit up with a huge grin.
"HEEYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!" he yelled happily. "I'M GOIN IN, YEAAAAAH!!"
Waving like a madman, he was engulfed by the crowd once more and he disappeared from view. Hinata made a sad little worried sound in the back of her throat, and she kept looking from us to the space Naruto had recently vacated and back again. She had already made her decision, but was clearly working up the nerve to go ahead with it.
"Heeny-weeny?" Kiku said, tilting her head to one side. "You comin'?"
"Ah-ah-ah-ah…" Hinata stuttered, turning red, "… a-actually, I think… I think I might go watch Naruto-kun."
Her decision made and her confession aired, Hinata's resolve seemed to strengthen her. She stood up straight and her eyes shone, though her cheeks were still burning bright red.
"Yes, I'm going to watch Naruto!" she said, smiling. "I-I'll catch up with you guys later!"
Then she turned and ran after Naruto — right into the middle of the circle pit.
It was too late to warn her, for the next instant there was a grating clash of guitar strings and a braying blast of trombones. It was the first few notes of Gainsville Rock City. The crowd went wild — and the circle pit exploded. People rushed forward, cramming into the clearing, dragging spectators on the fringes of the circle into the fray.
It was Sakura who noticed Hinata being pushed into the pit. The colour drained from her face and her mouth opened in horror.
"Hinata!" she shouted, struggling to be heard over the deafening wall of sound, pointing frantically into the pit.
"Fuck," Shikamaru said morosely. "She'll never get out of there alive. We'll need to go in there—"
As soon as the words left his mouth, Hinata stumbled. If I'm being perfectly honest… I was quite terrified. No one knew what to do. It was like being on a ship and being forced to watch someone who had fallen overboard drowning in a whirlpool in a stormy sea. It really did look like that, because everyone in the pit was running at a sprint, round and round and round, and Hinata, somehow, got dragged under. One minute she was afloat, struggling admirably, the next she was gone.
Sakura was off like a shot, shoving her way through the crowd, who were jumping about wildly, but she'd only gone a couple of rows before she encountered resistance from a group of girls who wouldn't let her through.
I heard her screaming, "My friend's just fallen in the fucking pit! I need to get her! Get out of my way—!" and I was painfully conscious that every second that passed saw Hinata's chances of "getting out alive", as Shikamaru so eloquently put it, grow slimmer. As far as I knew, no one had ever died at Tea in the Park, but I began to think that Hinata might end up a statistic. Or a PR nightmare.
But fortune was on her side. For although Sakura might as well have been miles away and was unable to help, there was one person near at hand…
As Sakura was screaming herself hoarse at the girly bitches, a familiar figure emerged from the churning depths of the crowd, valiantly sweeping aside moshers, with Hinata slung over his back, fireman style. It was Naruto, and he was smouldering with determination. Since I have never before seen him smoulder with any sort of emotion, it was quite the revelation.
"Sasuke!" he yelled urgently, struggling over with Hinata, who to my horror looked distinctly worse for wear. "Help me! She's fainted!"
My chivalrous side rising to the fore, I leapt forward and helped shoulder Naruto's burden, throwing one of Hinata's arms round my neck. Shino, Kiku and Sakura cleared the way while Shikamaru dived into the crowd to find Kiba. I admire his courage. I certainly wouldn't have done it.
We hit the outskirts of the crowd just as the song finished. There was a huge roar from the crowd, but I really didn't feel like joining in. Hinata's eyes were rolling in her head and I noticed, my stomach lurching with panic, that she was covered in muddy boot prints.
I turned to Kiku.
"Kiku, text Neji will you and tell him Hinata's hurt. Tell him we're taking her to the First Aid tent near the Main Stage."
"Sure, Sasuke," she said, whipping out her little pink phone. Kiku can be quite responsible when she puts her mind to it.
Ten minutes later, we arrived at the First Aid tent, and Naruto immediately launched forth in a panicked explanation.
"Hinata fell in the circle pit!" he yelled, his eyes wide. "I saw a guy trample all over her. She's—"
The medics did not need any further explanation. Gently, they took her off our hands. Since they only allowed two people to stay with Hinata, Shino volunteered, as he's one of Hinata's oldest friends. Naruto, her knight in shining armour, also volunteered – an act of great personal sacrifice because Lost Prophets were about to come on at the Oto Alternative stage, and he loves the Lost Prophets. I should've known then that something was going to happen between them.
Now I know it's not like me, but I was rather worried about the whole injured Hinata situation, and I said so to Sakura when we were walking back to the Freak Show tent. For one thing, I was worried about what Neji would do to us once he found out – because he would definitely blame it on us for letting her dive into the pit – but I didn't say that. She said she'd plague Naruto with texts until he confirmed Hinata was alright. With Sakura texting furiously at my side, we entered the Freak Show tent. After scouting around a bit, we found the boss, Jiraiya and Kabuto sitting near the front at the right side of the stage, though there was something a little off about the arrangement.
Surrounding them was a group of twenty people or so whom I did not know, all chatting amiably amongst themselves. Shrugging my shoulders, I walked towards their enclosing circle and made to dart nimbly between their ranks to reach the boss. Imagine my surprise when two guys held out their hands, barring access.
"What business do you have with the Messiah?" one guy with a beanie and a goatee said.
"Speak quickly!" demanded another, with coke-bottle framed glasses and a Sigur Ros band tee.
"What the hell—?" I began, taking a step backward, slightly freaked out, when the boss interrupted and saved my sanity.
"It's alright," he said, waving a hand idly in their general direction. "That is my Sasuke-kun and his friend Sakura. You may let them pass."
Immediately, the beanie guy and the emo-specs guy lowered their arm barrier. Sakura and I looked askance at one other, weirded out beyond belief, before we picked our way past what were apparently the boss's bodyguards and sat down in the small inner circle. I stared accusingly at the boss, but he carried on as though nothing at all out of the ordinary had occurred, as if he were surrounded by a bunch of twenty-something, slightly weedy-looking university student retainers upon a daily basis. Since he clearly wasn't going offer an explain of his own accord, I decided that I would take matters into my own hands and force one out of him.
"Who the hell are those guys?" I demanded.
The boss's mouth quirked with amusement and he replied, quite casually, "Why, they are my Followers, Sasuke-kun."
I then said something along the lines of, "I don't mean to be rude, Orochimaru-sama, but have you relapsed?" (which elicited a guffaw of laughter from Jiraiya.)
The boss rolled his eyes and proceeded to explain how he acquired his Followers. By the end of it, I was chortling with laughter and all misgivings had vanished.
When Naruto and I left to get food before the Aquabats, the boss and Jiraiya had decided they were a pit peckish as well. They wandered around the arena for a while and eventually found a paella stall (I think I shall visit it later myself, I quite fancy some.) Having purchased their paella, they sat down on the grass a little way off in order to chow down without being jostled by the crowds. In the middle of an argument about Stimmhorn (the boss is still sore about us laughing at Triohatala), they were interrupted by the beanie goatee man who was standing at the head of a group of twenty or so other people of about my age.
Staring up at them with a degree of mild contempt, the boss said, with characteristic hauteur, "May I help you?"
The beanie guy grinned and uttered what would become legendary words in our Tea in the Park tradition.
He said, "Are you Brian?"
Now I feel I must take the opportunity to mention that the boss has never seen Monty Python's Life of Brian, and therefore did not realise where the joke came from. Thus he was unable to make a logical leap and see where the motley crew of indie-kid students might have been going with it. The boss was only aware of the fact that his is a very well-known face on the continent, that it was highly likely the group of people standing before him knew fine well who he was, and that he was not going to bandy words with a bunch of possibly drunken bums.
Hence his reply, dripping sarcasm from every syllable.
"Of course. I am Brian. How nice to meet you."
Jiraiya said the boss's face was a picture when each one of them fell instantly to their knees on the grass and said, "The Messiah! We pledge our allegiance to you!"
Ever since then, they have been following the boss at a discreet distance, guarding him and complying with his every request, no matter how inane. It is hilarious. I decided to test the dedication of the Followers then and there by asking the boss if they could go get me some paella from the stall. Immediately, the boss turned round to the nearest, a girl with dyed green hair, and extracting his wallet from his back pocket said, "You. Go get my Sasuke-kun some paella."
He handed her a wad of notes and she stood up, bowed, and said with a huge grin, "I live to serve, Messiah."
The green-haired girl Follower promptly left, only to return a few minutes later in order to clarify exactly which sort of paella I wanted, since the stall made different kinds. I had the choice of chicken, seafood or vegetarian paella. I chose seafood. But before the girl had the chance to turn around, in a fit of random courtesy, I asked Sakura if she wanted any. She said that yes, she would like some chicken paella, and I told the boss to ask the girl to get Sakura some too. I guess the boss thought he might as well ask everyone's order while he was at it, and Jiraiya requested a beer. The boss ordered some tea for himself and handed over a larger wad of cash, saying that the Followers should buy some beer for themselves. This elicited a great cheer from the Followers, and they all left for the beer tent crying out "Long live the Messiah!"
By that time, I was on the floor laughing. I could hardly speak I was giggling so much. Who could blame me, though? The whole thing was so far beyond weird that it had punched out through the other side into normality. It wasn't long before Sakura joined me and crowd around us started to stare. To prevent me further make a spectacle of myself, the boss shuffled over and dragged me off the floor and into a cuddle.
"Do not abuse them too much, Sasuke-kun," he whispered into my ear. "And don't say you wont, because I know you will."
"What?" I said, suddenly scandalised. "What do you mean you know I'll abuse them? You have offended me. You have offended me deeply, Orochimaru-sama."
I was only half-joking, though. The boss obviously knows me too well, as I have already asked him to send the Followers for two beers – and I have plans to make them dance for me later on. One of them let slip that he has brought an acoustic guitar, so he shall play and the rest shall dance for my amusement. I will see it done, you may be sure of that. And I will laugh heartily at their tomfoolery.
Anyway, thoughts of exploitation aside, after being introduced to the Followers, we were all fairly content, and we watched Seasick Steve and were tickled pink by his three-string guitar, stomp box and hobo-beard ensemble look. I told the boss and Jiraiya about what happened to Hinata, but they were pretty unsympathetic. Jiraiya said it was her own fault for going in there in the first place and the boss agreed. I didn't expect much from them, but to be honest, it would've been nice if they'd shown even the merest glimmer of an iota of interest in her well-being. Alas, they are both, in their own ways, selfish pricks – and there is nothing much anyone can do about it.
A few more acts followed, and I noticed the tent beginning to fill up. Kakashi, Kabuto, Iruka and Kimimaro (I spit on his name) floated in, then Kiku and Asuma and Kurenai turned up a bit later. I enquired as to why this might be and the boss offered the suggestion that it was probably to ensure they got a good space for the Tiger Lillies, who were the last act on the Freak Show bill before the Main Stage headliners. The boss was smiling as he said this, which lead me to believe that he appreciated this particular band. I asked him whether he was looking forward to their set and he turned to me, his eyes glittering with enthusiasm, and said, "Sasuke-kun, you have not lived until you have seen them perform."
Okay, I thought. That seemed a pretty good review from the boss, so I decided to stick around and watch them instead of the Offspring (who I have seen twice anyway) and made a mental note to not laugh should they do anything weird.
Then I asked around and everyone else seemed to like them. Kiku, however, had never heard of them and was just there to "hang with Jiraiya for a bit." Through my questioning, I got the impression that they are one of those bands with lots of famous fans but are not at all famous themselves. Words like 'castrato', 'accordion', 'musical saw', 'blasphemy', 'rape', 'bestiality', 'schizophrenia' and 'matricide' were used by various members of our group in describing their style and repertoire. This pleased me and tickled my misanthropy bone, and I was rather excited when the lights dimmed and the first long, mournful note of an accordion echoed throughout the tent.
The Tiger Lillies were awesome. I am glad I went to see them, though I do regret missing the Offspring. They were twisted, hilarious, cruel and unusual. Exactly like the boss, in fact. I can see now why he likes them so much. He must identify upon some psychological level. I must say, I laughed a hell of a lot, though – especially at "Piss on your grave", which might now be my new favourite song. Not that I identify with it on any level, I hasten to add – psychological or otherwise. It hasn't kindled in me any ardent impulse to urinate upon some poor wretch's final resting place. I am not a weirdo. I just thought it was funny.
So after the Tiger Lillies finished and the Freak Show tent closed, we all made the trek over to the Main Stage to see Muse, the Followers clearing the way a bit and ensuring we arrived there in record time. In a moment of pure serendipity, I spotted Neji and Shino standing a few rows down. Cupping my hands, I yelled at them over the heads of other people until they heard and began winding their way through the crowd until they stood next to me.
"How's Hinata?" I asked gently, noting Neji's stormy expression.
"Hmph. She's fine," he said, folding his arms.
"Where is she?"
I was quite surprised by the venomous tone of Neji's reply.
"She's down there," he hissed, pointing over the heads of the crowd. "With Naruto."
"And that's a bad thing because—?" I hazarded, balking when Neji swivelled round and glared at me so ferociously that I seriously thought he was going to punch me.
Thankfully, Shino decided to enlighten me.
"I think they're going out," he said. "Neji caught them kissing earlier on."
"What?"
Evidently, Sakura had decided to join in our conversation. There was a note of barely suppressed panic in her voice that led me to believe that she was not entirely happy with Shino's breaking news exclusive.
"What do you mean they're going out?"
Shino shrugged. "Well, I don't know if it's official or anything, but Neji saw them kissing and they've been hanging out together ever since. They were at SOAD with the rest of us and they looked pretty cosy."
"Will you shut up about them," Neji said, grimacing. "I don't want to think about it."
"Neji, you're going to have to chill out about this thing," Shino said very sensibly, as is his way. "She's old enough to look after herself, and she's liked Naruto for ages. I think it's great that she finally plucked up the courage to tell him."
Neji made an ominous growling sound at the back of his throat that was halfway between a snarl and the sound of an irritated cat, thereby signalling that his role in the conversation was at and end. Shino shrugged and decided to give up convincing Neji as a lost cause, preferring instead to watch the roadies set up on stage.
Dumbfounded, I turned to Sakura and said, "Wow… where did that come from?"
Sakura, however, remained silent. She instead elected to stare at the mud-splattered toe-caps of her boots, a slight frown casting a dark cloud over her normally cheerful features. I decided not to press the matter – though, I wouldn't have been able to even if I had wanted, for the boss elbowed his way along the line, leaned over Neji and yanked me towards him just as Daft Punk were about to come on.
It was a strange affair. I, for one, really enjoyed it. I love Daft Punk, as does the boss, and we were dancing and kissing a lot and generally being happy. We were standing quite close to the stage, so my ears are still ringing. I hope it goes away soon, because I would very much appreciate being able to get some sleep tonight.
As I said, I enjoyed it, and so did most of the others, but I kept catching glimpses of Neji and Sakura, and they did not look happy. If it were not for them, the moment would have been perfect. Their sullenness brought the mood down (and, as usual, only I noticed because I am sensitive to these things.) It was not enough to spoil matters, though, and I did my best to block their sulking faces from my mind by indulging in some frenching with the boss.
At length, the set came to an end (which made me a shade morose, since I could have gone on dancing for another hour at least) and we went with the crowd flow of oceanic scale, embarking upon the long trek back to the campsite. Naruto and Hinata were a few paces in front, Hinata sporting an attractive purple sling for her sprained wrist. Their arms were linked and Hinata was giggling at something Naruto had just said to her. Sakura had fallen into step beside me and been glaring at the backs of their heads for a long moment. Then she turned to me, seeming to want to talk. It wasn't long before her feelings concerning the Naruto Hinata situation were rendered unambiguous.
"Where the hell did that come from, Sasuke?" she demanded of me, gesturing roughly towards them. "I mean seriously. He's been going on and on and on at me to go out with him for the last— well, god knows how long. And then he goes and does that? What the hell is that all about?"
It took a considerable amount of willpower to not say, "My, my! Jealous, are we, Sakura? Regretting not giving him a shred of hope, Sakura? Ruing all the knockbacks? Wishing you'd given him a chance, because you know fine well he's mad about you and has been since we were kids? Realising, oh now that you've had so many years to think about it, he might not be such a bad boyfriend after all?"
I did not say any of that, though I sorely wished to. Instead I shrugged and said, "Well I guess it's just one of those things, Sakura. Knight in shining armour, damsel in distress, one thing leads to another, you know?"
Sakura snorted derisively.
"She's not right for him," she said.
The subtext was abundantly clear: "She is not right for him. I am."
I wanted to stop right then and there in the middle of the path and shake her, but I didn't want to fall out with her because now that Naruto had Hinata, I would not have had either best friend option should I have wished to chat. So I kept my mouth shut and settled for musing upon the hypocrisy of it all in my own head. Later, when we got back to camp, Jiraiya and Kakashi crashed our tent and I was able to express my feelings on the situation through the medium of gossip. They are of similar mind, though, like me, have no idea on how we are going to deal with it.
I suppose the best way at the moment would be to get drunk and simply not deal with it at all, so that's what I'm going to do. There is some Jack Daniels waiting outside for me, and I would like nothing more than to go say hi. Which I will now do. Thankfully, Kimimaro has already retreated to his tent, fatigue and a cold as an excuse, so I won't be forced to stare at his ugly face all night. Things, perhaps, are looking up.
Will write later!
LATER (11:49pm)
Okay…
Jiraiya has just emerged from his tent wearing nothing but a tiger print thong, cape and Wellington boots. He has in one hand a long plastic stick with a skull on top and in the other, Naruto's ghetto blaster. Saying not a word to the rest of us, he headed straight over to the boss and asked if he could borrow his Followers to start a conga line. The boss ordered fifteen of the Followers to accompany him (he would not relinquish all his Followers, citing his need for occasional refreshment as a reason). The older members of the camp appeared quite excited at this turn of events and got up, drinks in hand, and joined on to the end of the line. Naruto, too, managed to convince Hinata to get involved, and they lined up, Naruto standing behind her, his hands on her hips, jigging excitedly. I am still not sure whether their relationship will work out long-term. Naruto is so retardedly outgoing and Hinata is so incredibly introverted that I'm wondering whether they have anything much in common. Time will tell on that one, I suppose.
Just as the conga-liners were about ready to leave, Jiraiya looked over his shoulder and roared, "Hey, Kiku! You coming?"
Kiku then emerged from their tent all smiles – having changed into a new hoodie and a fresh pair of purple, denim hotpants – and squeezed in behind Jiraiya.
"Let's go, babe," she said, placing her hands round his waist. "You can put on the music now."
As the line began to move off, Jiraiya switched on the ghetto blaster and I recognised the first few bars of "Jungle Boogie" by Kool and the Gang. For a while, I just sat there on my fold-away chair, stunned by the utter randomness of it all. Then, from across the path, I heard Naked Thong Man shout, "YEAH! JUNGLE BOOGIE MAN'S BACK!"
I am guessing Jiraiya is a living embodiment of one of those festival traditions.
As I type, the conga line is filing past our tents. There are a lot more people now than there were when it first pulled out onto the path, and they are all singing "Jungle boogie!" at the tops of their lungs. The line is getting dangerously long. If I lean back in my chair, crane my neck and peer down the path, I can see Jiraiya at the head of the line, waving his skull stick in the air, the ghetto blaster hoisted upon his shoulders.
Jeez, I hope they don't do anything stupid. The boss was talking about having his Followers fight Jiraiya's Followers, and I told him not to even joke about that, because if they both got drunk, it would be something they would be highly likely to do. Besides, I am rather attached to the boss's Followers, and wouldn't want any of them to be mobbed by a hundred or so random conga-afficionados. If they did, then there would be no one to go fetch me beer and food.
LATER (let's say 12:30am):
OH. MY. GOD.
If I said the boss was funny last night, it is nothing, NOTHING, compared to the outrageous stunt he has just pulled. I have had to retreat into the tent because I laughed so hard I pulled a muscle. Thankfully, I am a bit drunk, so it doesn't hurt as much as it should, but the boss said I can ask Kabuto to give me something when he gets back, so I should be okay.
But the tale! I must tell you, for most likely you are not interested in my health.
While Jiraiya and the others were conga-ing it up around the campsite, those who were left (myself, the boss, Neji, Sakura, Lee, Shikamaru, Shino and the other five Followers) decided to get absolutely wasted. Well, I say "everyone". Lee, who is, as you know, co-founder of Gai's Straight Edge Club, did not wish to partake of any alcohol. The boss was a bit annoyed at this, since he had uncorked a rather fine bottle of sake he had brought specially – and what, he had said waspishly to poor Lee, was the point of sake if not to induce at least mild intoxication?
Lee resisted admirably at first, saying that no, he couldn't possibly, but the boss went on and on and on at him, moaning and giving him the guilt trip for not taking any of his sake and asking why he didn't drink because he was at a festival and it was fun and he only needed to have a little and that it was rude to refuse and that he wanted to repay Lee for helping me out at my trial and for inviting us to his birthday party and all sorts of other things.
You can probably tell that the boss was already a little tipsy. He gets a bit boisterous when he's at the happy drunk stage and will not take no for an answer. Poor Lee eventually caved, and he had a cup of sake. Everyone cheered, and the boss, flushed with wine and success, poured him another cup. And then another. And another. It wasn't long before Lee was properly drunk – for the first time in his life, I expect – and it soon became all too clear that Lee was a "talkative drunk", the kind of drunk that tells relative strangers very personal things.
Swaying slightly on his fold-away chair, he began to confess (after having been probed by the boss) that sometimes he wished he wasn't a member of the Straight Edge club. Not because he wanted to get drunk or try crack or anything, but because he has never had a proper girlfriend before.
"What do you mean 'never had a proper girlfriend'?" the boss asked, pouring himself another cup of sake.
Lee, normally quiet, polite and shy of talking about the intimate workings of human relationships replied loudly, and quite without shame, "I mean I have never had sex, Orochimaru-sama. And sometimes I think I would like to."
The boss's jaw dropped. Neji and Shino started laughing and Sakura looked scandalised.
"You mean to say," the boss went on, leaning closer to Lee and raising an eyebrow, "that you have never engaged in fornication with someone of the opposite sex?"
"I have not, Orochimaru-sama."
"Why ever not?"
"Because I have chosen to abide by the rules of the Straight-Edge organisation."
"Well Gai's had sex. I know that for a fact."
"What?"
"Yes. Didn't you know?"
"I did not, Orochimaru-sama. When was this?"
"He was quite wild in his younger days. He used to compete with young Kakashi all the time. I suspect he regrets his misspent youth and has chosen to spoil everyone else's fun by setting up that charity."
"Speaking of, thank you very much for that donation, Orochimaru-sama. It was much appreciated."
"Not at all, dear Lee, not at all. In fact, I should like to do you another service. A more personal one. I do pity the fact you have not been permitted to indulge in a little sexual activity, Lee, for you are such a nice boy. As of this moment, I shall make it my solemn duty to procure for you a willing partner to share with you the joys of mindless fucking."
"Thank you very much, Orochimaru-sama. I look forward to it."
"In fact," the boss went on, relentless and with a wild glint in his eye I knew meant trouble, "I shall begin my enquiries immediately."
He whirled round in his fold-away chair, nearly toppled over (and had a quick chortle to himself) and pointed at Sakura.
"Sakura-kun," he said, holding out his arms. "You are a fine young woman—"
"No, Orochimaru-sama," Sakura replied archly, obviously still not in the mood to join in any sort of fun, even having been plied with alcohol. "I am not sleeping with Lee. No offence, Lee."
"None taken," Lee said.
"Then what about you?" the boss said, snapping his fingers imperiously at the green-haired female Follower who had fetched me paella earlier on in the day. The green-haired Follower grinned and turned around to direct her full attention to the boss.
"Now, I will not command you to sleep with young Lee," he said, "but I shall put the possibility to you. He is a fine fellow, a real gentleman. A bastion of restraint in a world of hedonism. A young man with an excellent and thoroughly reliable moral compass with which he navigates himself through our godless times. To be perfectly honest with you, my dear… I would. We all would. But only you, only you have that chance right now. If you do not take it, and this is but my humble opinion, I feel that you would regret it for the rest of your life."
At his most sober, the boss can be quite persuasive, but he always seems to turn it up a notch when he makes his drunken speeches. He flashed a winning, slightly mischievous smile at the girl and she began to size Lee up, looking him up and down. Lee stood up and did a little catwalk twirl. Everyone laughed. I don't think even the boss predicted she'd actually go for it. Even he was shocked when she shrugged her shoulders and said, "Yeah okay. You got a rubber?"
Silence descended. It was one of those "Oh my god, are they actually going to—?" silences when you don't know whether to burst out laughing or sit there with your mouth hanging open. The boss said, his face frozen in a moment of shock and amusement, that he did have a rubber. He ducked into the tent to fetch one of the nice cherry ones I like and tossed it to her.
"Well?" he said, his head cocked to one side. "You might as well get on with it."
The green-haired girl nodded and suggested to Lee that they go back to her tent in Blue for a little more privacy. To my horror, Lee agreed enthusiastically, and let himself be dragged away down the path. Before he disappeared out of sight, he turned round and gave us a thumbs up. The boss burst out laughing, and it was laughter of the cackling mad variety. I joined him and then everyone else was falling about on the ground – even Sakura and Neji.
"Oh my god," Neji said when we had finally calmed down a bit, his head in his hands. "That is the sickest thing I've ever seen. Orochimaru-sama, what the hell have you done to Lee?"
"Me?" the boss said, affronted. "I have done nothing."
"Yes you did!" I interrupted. "You were the one who forced him to drink. He's probably going to get thrown out of the club when Gai finds out."
"But he will not find out, Sasuke-kun. For no one here will tell him, is that right?"
Everyone nodded solemnly and the boss made us all promise not to tell Gai. We made our promises and the laughter abated gradually until there were only a few giggles and snorts. Then Kimimaro (I spit on his name) unzipped his tent and, coughing and spluttering, asked us what was going on because we woke up with all our hilarity. The boss started to explain, which set us all off again and that was when I laughed so hard that I pulled a muscle.
It's starting to hurt a bit now, actually. Maybe I need to drink more. Yes, I think that is a good idea. I shall get right on to it.
Will write later!
LATER (1:17am):
Kabuto gave me something in a tiny plastic cup. I'm all numb now, but at least it doesn't hurt. He says it's not too serious, so it might be gone by morning if I'm lucky.
I am more drunk that I was the last time I wrote. It is quite hard to type, and I keep having to go back and check, though I am not as bad as I was at Nagato's house party. That was embarrassing.
Jiraiya and the others are here. They are outside drinking. They came back not long ago, sidling up to the tents, looking shifty. I asked them what happened and Kiku said the conga line got way out of hand and they ended up breaking into the main arena, which is NOT ALLOWED, and the police were called and some people got arrested. Kiba said Ino almost got taken away but he teamed up with Chouji to save her. There is a theme going here, I am thinking. Saving damsels in distress.
Speaking of, Naruto and Hinata have retreated inside Naruto's tent. Sakura is really pissed off because she was sharing with Naruto and now she can't go to bed. Not that she really wants to, of course, because I'm sure she'd secretly much rather stay up and bitch about Hinata with Kiku, Ino, TenTen and Kurenai. If Hinata and Naruto emerged this very moment, I can bet my life-savings on her not saying, "Oh thanks very much guys, I'll go to bed right this minute because I have been saying for the past ten minutes to anyone who'll listen about how tired I am!"
As for me, I am here in the tent because I had a minor disagreement with the boss. A disagreement is one step down from an argument, which means that it was not that serious but was serious enough that the boss has sought to make it up with me. He has been worried about his skanky ex, you see, for Kimimaro has not stopped coughing all night.
While we were sitting outside, being happy and merry and having a general good time, we could hear him hacking his lungs out in his tent. Iruka groaned and said, "Guess I'm not sleeping tonight again."
The boss asked him what he meant by that and Iruka said that Kimimaro had been coughing non-stop the night before. No one, he said, could get any sleep. Kakashi, apparently, had attempted to smother him with a pillow but Kabuto stopped him. The boss looked pensive at this news, and he kept looking over at Kimimaro's tent. I knew what he was thinking, and I started to get a bit angry.
"Look," I said. "He's fine, okay. He's just got the flu or something. Yeah, it's a shame he got it during the festival, but it happens."
The boss said that, nevertheless, he would like to speak to him to ask if there was anything wrong, and I sort of had a minor strop and said if he was going to do it, then I would just go into the tent and stay there all night. And I am here in the tent. I don't know if the boss went to talk to Kimimaro, but he has since apologised and has offered to take me out drunk fishing.
I am not sure what that is, but it sounds fun, so I shall be off!!
Oh… I feel I should mention. Lee's not back yet. I wonder how he's doing? I'm sure I will find out from Neji and Tenten.
Bye bye!
LATER (3:54am):
It's pouring from the heavens right now, and I am incredibly tired (the boss is already asleep and even the Followers have returned to their tents) so I'll try and make this quick.
Drunk fishing was fabulous. Basically, what you do is get a glow stick and tie it to a long bit of string. Then you leave the glow stick lying on the ground, grab the other end of the string and hide. When drunks stagger past, the shininess of the glow stick will attract them like flies to shit and, nine times out of ten, they will attempt to pick it up. This is your cue to pull the end of the string and watch them stumble after it, wondering why the pretty glowing worm thing is trying to run away. We did this and laughed heartily at many a paralytic festival-goer until little spots of rain began to fall. It wasn't long before we were running for cover.
It really is pouring. The rain is thundering off the canvas. I cannot tell you how glad I am that we have a good tent. Despite all the rain noise, I can hear Kimimaro inside his tent, coughing.
I wonder…
July 28th
DAY TEN
I should've known today would've been shit. I should've fucking known. The only two people who are living on cloud happy right now are Naruto and Hinata. Everyone else is cold, wet, hungry, pissed off, worried, deeply upset, terminally ill or, in one particular case, all of the above. As I type, I am sitting with Kabuto in the waiting room on the ground floor at Konohagakure General Hospital. The battered copy of Cosmopolitan Itachi thumbed through when I was getting my plaster cast removed is still here. Normally, this would have amused me, but I don't really feel much like anything at the moment.
The reason I am here is Kimimaro. You know how I got mad with the boss last night and said there was nothing wrong with him? Well you know what? There is something wrong with him. He does not have the flu. He has far advanced pulmonary tuberculosis. The doctors don't think he'll die, but he is chronically ill and he is in for a prolonged sojourn in hospital…
Actually, no. I can't talk about this right now.
LATER:
Okay. I have had time to mull matters over and I think I have calmed down enough to write an entry. Here's hoping.
Kakashi and the others are here, too. They've been pulled in for a skin test because Kimimaro is incredibly infectious. They've had to phone Suigetsu too, since he spent a week with him at Christmas in Suna, where TB is prevalent in the grimier areas. I've had a skin test too (and I hate having injections) though it'll take two to three days for results. Kabuto said not to worry, because he'll take a look at our arms and will tell us if there's anything ominous. But apparently our tests might prove false-negatives if we have only recently become infected, as the bacteria take some time to settle themselves in.
Wow. Thanks, Kabuto. Way to make everyone feel better.
Today, though… god. It was the worst. I don't think I can face details, but I shall sum up my morning in a list format. Perhaps the swift, staccato, unrelenting nature of a list in bullet points will best portray the crescendo of SUCK that plagued my morning and culminated in our visit to the hospital for tuberculosis skin tests.
My Day of Utter Fucking Suck:
- Woke up this morning to find that the campsite had churned into a mire. Wonderful. I unzipped the tent, poked my head out and discovered that everything underfoot was slushy. People were trudging along the path wearing macs and wellies and were looking hungover and none too happy. This first sight my waking eyes beheld that morning set the tone for the rest of the day.
- I hopped back into my sleeping back only to be woken up an indeterminate time later by Neji and Hinata arguing. I say "arguing" it was more like Neji was shouting at her and she was stuttering back at him, trying to get a word in edgeways. Since it involved Naruto, I did not intervene, as Neji would only have accused me of taking his side, since I'm one of his best friends. I listened to them until Hinata sobbed and, I am assuming, ran off. She's here right now, sitting next to Naruto, signing a get well card she bought from the shop for Kimimaro. I have noted that she and Neji are still not speaking, so they must have fallen out.
- Next on the agenda of misery was the discovery that Ino, Chouji and Shikamaru's cheap-ass tent had collapsed in the early hours of the morning. They did their best to re-assemble it in the dark and in the pouring rain, but by the time they had used up all their duct tape, it was pretty much a puddle and they were soaked to the skin – as was all their stuff. Shivering and wet through, they ended up in with Asuma and Kurenai – and they only had a three-man tent. It would've been fine if it were only Ino and Shikamaru, but Chouji is a proper fat ass. It must've been a tight, damp and miserable squeeze.
- After hearing the tale of tent-related despair from Ino, I went to the breakfast van to get something to eat. On the way to the breakfast van, there is a slight downward slope you must navigate in order to reach it. I did not mark this when the weather was fair, but the torrential rain had magically transformed it into a slip slide. A bunch of people who had camped at the top of the little slope were sitting outside on their chairs, chanting "Forty-one! Forty-one! Forty-one!" over and over again. Just as I wondered why they were doing so, I hit the incline, slipped on a wet, muddy patch, fell on my arse and skidded all the way to the bottom. I was covered in mud all up my left side. The chanting morons hooted with laughter and started shouting, "Forty-two! Forty-two! Forty-two!" If the Followers were there, I would have set them upon them. Bunch of dicks.
- Breakfast acquired, I retreated into the tent to eat it because it had started to drizzle again. Imagine my surprise to find the boss sitting up, cocooned in his sleeping bag, with a worried-looking Jiraiya and an almost hysterically tearful Kiku. I gave the boss a "what the hell?" look. Jiraiya must've clocked it, because he said to me, in a strangely defiant manner, "Kiku's pregnant, Sasuke."
I couldn't really find any words to say in reply. Obviously, I couldn't say "Hey, congratulations!" because Kiku was clearly none too happy with the situation. Neither could I have said, "Dodgy condom? Sucks for you," since I think Jiraiya would have punched me. So I settled for a rather lame, "Oh. Right," and then I sat down on my camp bed and drank my tea. Kiku apparently had been sick again this morning and her period was late, so she went round to the little stall that sells condoms and morning-after pills and stuff like that and bought a pregnancy tester. She, and these are her words not mine, "peed on it in the portaloos and it turned blue."
She said she doesn't know if she wants to keep it, whether Jiraiya would want to keep it, or whether it would be okay to keep it considering they're staying at the boss's house. The boss said that shouldn't be a problem. Jiraiya has lots of money, so they could always buy a new house. Kiku's sobs intensified after that, and Jiraiya glared at the boss.
- I decided to get the hell out of the tent, so I put on my mac and wellies and headed out for a walk. While wandering randomly, I met Ino and Tenten and we got chatting. They told me that Lee had finally turned up. Finally, I thought to myself, some cheerful news! I asked how he was and very soon wished I hadn't. Apparently, he is lying in his tent in disgrace, having woken up in a strange tent with a strange girl. He cannot remember anything of the night before, but he caught sight of two opened condom packets lying next to his head and fled. Even though everyone has told him that what happens at the festival stays at the festival, he is inconsolable.
Looking for a lighter, safer track of conversation, I asked them if they'd seen Sakura. Again, I wished I hadn't. Ino's face darkened and she said, "Sakura's a total hypocrite. She's a bitch and I'm so not talking to her anymore." Upon further questioning, she divulged that Sakura, as I indeed suspected, had been bitching constantly about the Naruto Hinata situation. When Ino could take it no more, she decided to tell Sakura exactly what she thought (which, to be honest, was what I thought, what everyone else thought, and is also known as The Truth). Sakura did not like this and, to cut a long story short, they have fallen out. Again. I am not too worried about them, because they always fall out and in, but… well… in all honesty, I'm rather glad someone said it.
- Nothing much else happened at the camp site except the late emergence of a pale and emaciated Kimimaro from his tent. Kabuto looked at him in a calculating manner and suggested that perhaps it would be best if he stayed in his tent and rested for a bit. Kimimaro refused, saying he would just lie there and cough and be bored and would see or do nothing useful or fun. Kakashi offered him some of his tamagoyaki, but Kimimaro said the thought of food made him feel ill. I have since learned that he has eaten nothing all weekend, and the only liquid he has consumed is alcohol.
- The arena, well, to be honest it started out pretty well. We saw quite a few bands before Kimimaro decided to collapse. I was in the Freak Show tent with the boss again and, in a similar arrangement to the day before, I had decided to float out and in. After Andrew Bird, Shikamaru and I decided that we wanted to see Suburban Legends, so we told the boss we were leaving. Just as we reached the outskirts of the fairly sparse Oto Alternative stage crowd, we saw Kimimaro. As soon as I saw him, I knew something wasn't right. Shikamaru was obviously working along the same lines because he cupped his hands round his mouth and shouted, "Hey, Kimi! You okay?"
Kimimaro looked up, tried to smile, and keeled over in the mud. A few people stooped to help him, but I grudgingly said I'd take care of it. Together, we made the trek to the First Aid tent, with Kimimaro slumping like a dead weight between us. Halfway there, however, he came round. Dazed for a few seconds, he murmured, "Where—?" before he noticed me. It was like an allergic reaction. His lip curled and he tried to shove me away but only succeeded in removing fifty percent of the support that kept him upright and his knees bucked underneath him.
"Get away from me," he said, struggling for breath. "I don't need your pity! Leave me! Just l—"
Then he started to cough again, a deep, painful hacking cough that had him doubled over. He coughed and coughed and coughed and I wondered whether it was ever going to stop. It did, and Kimimaro eventually summoned the strength to glare balefully up at me, his eyes red-rimmed and watery. It was then that he looked down at his hand. His expression slid from exhausted defiance to outright terror.
"B-Blood…" he whispered, staring at the palm of his hand as if his death sentence were written upon it. "Oh god… oh god… ohgodohgodohgod…"
Shikamaru bit his lip and ventured, "Kimi, you really need to get to the hospital. If there's blood, it's gotta be serious."
This remark seemed to send Kimimaro over the edge.
"I CAN'T!" he shrieked, a note of genuine hysteria creeping into his voice. "I CANNOT GO TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL BECAUSE I CAN'T AFFORD IT!"
This set off another coughing fit and he broke down in tears in the mud.
I told Shikamaru to get him to the First Aid tent and that I would text Kabuto and the boss to tell them to come right away. And so the tale of my day of utter fucking suck comes full circle, and I find myself here in the waiting room with everyone else, wondering whether Kimimaro will pull through, wondering if he's infected everyone else, and just… wondering.
I don't know what to think. Somehow, everyone else's problems pale in comparison.
Perhaps I'd better email Itachi. Kimimaro stayed the night at Gaara's beach house at New Year, after all, and I wouldn't want him to come down with it.
God…
What the hell happened?
LATER:
The boss appeared briefly to give everyone an update before disappearing back upstairs. He is keeping Kimimaro company, as per Kimimaro's request. I do not like this arrangement one bit, but that is just another thing I suppose I'll have to tolerate for the moment.
Apparently Kimimaro needs immediate medical attention and is undergoing an aggressive treatment programme that he will need to sustain for another six months. He will be in quarantine for three weeks to ensure he does not infect anyone else (the 'else' part was ominous, and Kakashi and Iruka kept looking at each other in trepidation. I do not blame them. They have been sharing a tent with him for two nights while he coughed and spluttered all over them.) On the plus side, the disease, the boss said, can be cured even in such a chronic condition, but it is the cachetic aspect of his condition that was worrying him the most. Kiku asked what cachetic meant and the boss's lips thinned and he walked away.
Kabuto enlightened us. He said it was the wasting aspect of tuberculosis, outwardly – apart from the coughing blood perhaps – the most distressing symptom of the disease. The weight loss, loss of appetite, fatigue – basically, he said, it is a sign of the body beginning to give up. This made Kiku utter a little sobbing cry and she buried her head in Jiraiya's shoulder.
I said, "I thought the medics said he wasn't going to die?"
Kabuto nodded. "They're probably right. TB isn't often fatal in this part of the world nowadays. It can be cured. It's just the wasting you have to watch out for. Kimimaro is a fighter, Sasuke, but if he gives up mentally, then it will be difficult…"
He sort of trailed off after that, so I left him to his silence. I was glad to. I didn't much want any further explanation.
Not long after that, the boss came down again, and he asked to speak with me. My stomach did a nervous flip, and I put my laptop away and trailed after him down a badly-lit corridor that stunk with the tang of disinfectant. He stopped halfway along at a window and looked out. Rain pattered gently upon the glass.
"I am worried, Sasuke-kun," he said quietly.
"I know," I replied.
There was a pause, and then the boss turned to look at me, his gaze strange, intent. I knew then he was going to say something I wasn't going to like.
"Sasuke-kun," he began in an oddly conciliatory manner, "I know you will not like what I am about to say—"
"Look," I sighed, interrupting him. "I don't care. Don't apologise. Don't beat about the bush. Just say it."
"Very well," the boss said, clasping his hands in front of him. "I wish to keep a close eye on Kimimaro's condition and in order to do that, he will have to be closer to home. He will shortly be transferred to Otogakure General and I will be paying all of his medical bills. Kimimaro's condition will most likely be a regular topic of conversation between Kabuto-kun and myself for six months at least, and I would very much appreciate if you would at least tolerate it, if not approve.
Suddenly, I felt very tired and strangely defeated somehow. My hand ran through my hair and I shrugged and said, "Fine. That's fine."
The boss smiled and leaned over and kissed me on the forehead. "Thank you, Sasuke-kun. I knew I could count on you to be sensible. Now I must go and check on Kimimaro-kun, but I shall arrange for accommodation—"
"No need," I said. "Kakashi's going to put us up."
"Ah, good, good."
"Look," I said wearily. "Can I just go? Is that okay? Can I call you later or could you call me or something? I just want to go to bed."
I suddenly felt the boss's arms snake around my waist, pulling me towards him. My head sort of flopped onto his shoulder and I closed my eyes. He smelled of hospital.
"I am sorry it turned out this way, Sasuke-kun," he said.
"So am I," I replied, devoid of emotion.
Another pause, and then the boss felt compelled to add, "There may yet be a bright side. Well, not so much bright as practical. Perhaps this will prove an interesting addition to Jiraiya's next festival list. Before you arrive make sure you are not harbouring any chronic, infectious diseases that will hinder your and others' enjoyment of your chosen festival, like Kimimaro did in 2008."
I managed to crack a weak smile at that one, and the boss smiled back, smoothing my hair from my face. "That's better," he said. "Try to not worry. I am fairly certain you won't have TB."
"Fairly certain?" I said, raising an eyebrow.
The boss nodded, and kissed me on my forehead again in that way of his when he wishes to signal the conversation is at an end. "I will see you tomorrow, Sasuke-kun."
I said goodbye, and I don't know why but I feel like shit. The heady feeling of power I experienced but two nights ago when the boss chose me over Kimimaro has well and truly faded. When I watched him walk away, it was like – and this might sound totally stupid – but it was like this time he had chosen Kimimaro over me.
God, I don't want to talk about this. It's making me depressed. I can't wait to get to Kakashi's. I'm still in the waiting room because Jiraiya and Kiku have decided to chat to a midwife about prenatal care. I'm guessing they're going to keep the kid. Whoop-de-fucking-doo! I'll wait until they officially announce it. Until then, I'll work on restoring some of my enthusiasm so I can act all surprised.
I hate my life.
And so ends part one of the epic saga of Saskue and Oro. Things will be different from here on in. I have misgivings about this chapter. I think I tried to do too much in it. The only bit I really like is the end. Grah. Next chapter will be better, I promise.
But yes. Hello, guys! Sorry about the lack of updates for a long while. Kind of went off Naruto for a bit, but it reeled me back in as it always does and now I'm here, updating and enthused as ever. I lament the lack of Oro in the manga, and also the lack of Itachi, but Madara is quite the cool villan, so I'm hoping for awesome things on that front.
On that positive note, on with the thank-yous (of which there are many - that'll teach me to not update!)
NaruGuru (oh NaruGuru, you are wise! You predicted Kimi's evil illness - but will he turn into a homewrecker? Time will tell. And I'm glad you liked the Oro/Asuma confrontation stuff. I loved writing all the troubled-Oro-and-adopted-family backstory. It's sad and sweet in a strange way. Hope you liked this chapter!)
natwel (Hmm... I've never heard of 'salvaging the wind'. I suppose the nearest I could get to a definition would be perhaps doing something that will be futile and reap no benefits whatsoever, or trying to save or retrieve something that is worth nothing, since salvaging means to save, retrieve or recover property. Interesting. Did you ever find out?)
missyserena214 (Thank you! Glad you liked it. I don't think they will find out about Naruto's parents. At least not in this fic. Maybe if I write a sequel...)
fiore777 (Y hai thar. I agree about the Hands Resist Him painting, for it is creepy. It freaks me out a bit if I look at it for too long. The hand touching the doll's face in the sequel painting is, quite possibly, even creepier. I am glad loled at Iruka's lap dance. It actually happened to someone I know at a festival. In fact, a lot of these stories are things that have happened to me, to friends or to friends of friends at festivals. Yes, even the Followers (well, maybe slightly exaggerated for comedic effect. Yay for authenticity!)
NayanRoo (Oh, you are wonderful. OroSasu are also my first OTP and they are indeed their own brand of awesome. I don't care if it is socially unacceptable - I LOFFS IT!! And you are also wise, for you have picked up on Kimi's illness. I can't say whether it'll end up turning out bad for Oro and Sasu because it'll give the game away, but things will get bitchier, I can guarantee that.)
YoungSasuke (Yes! Another convert to the awesomeness that is OroSasu. Well, for this fic at least. It's a step in the right direction. Thanks so much for the review and I hope you liked this chapter!)
unreproachablephoenix (Yay, hello there! I hope you weren't too put out waiting for this chapter to come along. As for the Ino/Shika/Temari love triangle, man, I would love to have put it in, but there was so much going on here in this chapter that I couldn't really. I might think about it for later, though...)
Bri (Hello again! Yeah, the Tunnel of Death thing is actually a real stunt people pull at some festivals. It's quite funny. Usually not quite as dramatic as what happened to Oro and Sasuke, but people still get mobbed. XD I hope you liked this chapter and that you didn't have too long to wait for it.)
Fanny6 (Yay! A new reviewer. I always loves me some new reviewers. And it's okay that English isn't your first language - you can write it very well. I am with you on the fact that the fic needs more Itachi. I love writing him. Portraying him as the overprotective brother is so much fun. He won't be back in person for a while, but it should be worth it when he finally makes his appearance.
ArilianaFireQueen (Ahhh! You called the Naru/Hina! I fear your powers of prediction. Where did you get that from? I did my best to hide it and everything. Wow. And yes, I totally agree with you on the whole Saskue destroying Konoha motivation thing. I mean, wtf? Where did that come from?)
Chromde (HA! I'm glad you liked the "Tiffany"/Iruka moment. That totally happened to a friend of mine when he was at a festival. I laughed a lot when his mate told me the story. Naked Thong mad was actually a guy who pitched near me when I went to T in the Park a couple of years ago. He was absolutely wasted the whole weekend and I doubt he remembers me at all. I remember him, though... XD)
kaira-chan15 (Kaira-chan, words cannot describe how grateful I am to you for your many, many reviews of each chapter. I mean you have single-handedly upped my review count by quite the generous amount. Cheers very much for them, and I hope you're still reading, even after me leaving such a humungous length of time between updates. )
chibibaka1 (You know what? You're quite observant. You've picked up on the gradual personality change in Sasuke, culminating in his incredibly arrogant display in the tent with Oro. Oro knows what Saskue is up to, but he indulges him because Sasuke is sexy. Likewise, Sasuke knows Oro is indulging him because he is sexy and is beginning to realise he can push Oro a bit further than anyone else. But this: "I think in a lot of ways Sasuke is similar to Orochimaru, with the arragonce and single mindedness." That's on the nail. It's pretty much the key to how their relationship works, and is also the key to whether it works or fails.
Tristechan (Lol, yup. Itachi is definitely slapping his forehead in the afterlife. XD Sasuke, what are you up to, you silly Sasu-sausage? Also, quite a lot of the strange people at the festival are people I have met (Naked Thong Man) or people friends have told me about during their own festival experiences.)
Dooki (You know, the tent-pole stroking actually happened to a male friend of mine at a festival. XD It can only happen to guys at campsite urinals because the portaloos are self-contained shit coffins. Itachi will be back, fear not. Just not for a little while. As for Minato, hmmm, maybe not in this story. If I ever write a sequel, it might come up. But it depends on how the manga goes.)
uberhaxxor of pwnage (Lol, I hope I haven't caused you to laugh so much you've ruptured something internally. If you have ruptured something, please don't sue. XD And I bet it took you a helluvah long time to read all thirty-two chapters. Thanks for the reviews!)
Beqs (Sasuke is definitely an evil manipulator. But so is Oro. They are two peas in a pod. But hey, you speak Irish? That's awesome. What was that you said in Irish? I don't know anyone who can translate! XD Thanks so much for the reviews and I hope you liked this chapter. )
danni quinn (Hello again! Man, you must be one of my longest reviewers. XD I hope the wait for this chapter wasn't too long. Man, I used to have a dog called Sophie. She was a black and white piebald staffie. I kind of miss her, and her mum Jess. They were my first ever dogs. Oh, you asked how Oro picked up Sasuke. He picked him up because he is incredibly observant and just as manipulative as Sasuke. It was sort of a case of he would've done the same thing in Sasuke's situation, so he recognised it and called him on it. Hope your surgery went well. I heard that wisdom teeth operations are really painful. :( )
hieilover135 (Lol, yes Lee has had his moment in the sun - but it has turned into something of a black cloud for him. Don't worry, though. No one will tell Gai. XD Sorry to hear about your math woes. I always hated Math. Never was good at it. Ended up having to hire a tutor and went from a fail to a C. YASSS! :P)
AcePaste (Yay! Another new reviewer (but not a new reader, I see). Thanks for coming out of lurkerdom. It's much appreciated. And I quite like your screen name too, actually. Iruka's lapdance actually happened to someone I know at a festival. He was just as traumatised as Iruka was.)
Awkward Butterfly (Oh my god. I am so jealous of you going to Alaska in a cruise ship. My auntie Anne's friend (yes the same auntie Anne who gave me some very detailed information on chronic pulmonary tuberculosis, lol) went on a cruise to Alaska and the north pole and she said it was amazing. They went in one of those ice breaker boats. I so want to go. Oh yes, about the bat. Jiraiya packed on on the bus in case they had trouble during the journey. )
Kokura (Dude, that ice-cream sounds amazing. Where might I purchase some? And you should definitely be the face of our new cult... shit... errr... I mean religion, yes, religion, since you have managed to achieve the rare skill of being able to pronounce BOTH capital letters AND italics and will thus be perfect for our extensive PR exercises. Thanks again for the birthday wishes on LJ, btw. I still love that fish bowl icon.)
Nozomi-sama (I think Naruto is everyone's favourite retard. XD He's definitely mine. Don't sweat about not leaving a long review. As long as you're still reading, it's fine by me. And it'll be a miracle if you are, since I've waited months to update. Glad you liked the Asuma/Oro angst. I loved writing that part.)
Kutsushita-socks (AHHH! FINALLY! Someone knows about Happy Hippy shower gel, what it is and where it comes from! I shall not stone you, oh no. I shall praise you, for there is nothing better in the world than Lush shower gel. And Itachi knows it. XD)
Pyralis Ambika (Oh ho! Another new reviewer! Thanks for leaving one. I always appreciate them very muchly. I'm glad you liked the "YOU TUBE MAAAAN" stuff. I like to put things into a bit of context, to remind people that Oro is kind of famous and that anyone associated with him will be caught up in his limelight. Including Sasuke, who is becoming kind of famous in his own right.)
deidara (Hey, another new reviewer! I'm doing quite well this chapter, lol. Thanks so much for leaving one. I always like hearing what people think. I'm guessing your favourite character is Deidara. He's one of mine too, and I LOVE writing him in this fic. He's a mad bastard and is awesome for comedy.)
Oh yeah. Forgot to say. Most of the bands mentioned in this chapter are on MySpace. Except the overtone singers. They're on YouTube. The Tiger Lillies are awesome, but STAY AWAY if you are easily offended, lol.
Until next time!