A Day in the Life

by Ada Kensington

Uchiha Sasuke keeps a diary during his employment at Otogakure Enterprises. A great, big bucket of moreish crack.

35. Chapter 35

A Day in the Life

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AN: Back to normal! :)

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January 17th

Are you there God? It's me, Sasuke.

Now, I know I've been a bad journal updater, but if you would give me the chance to explain my conduct, I would be forever grateful. Thanks. I appreciate it muchly.

The first and foremost cause for my woeful lack of correspondence? Work. I can tell you honestly without fear of reprisal that it has been totally and utterly mad here for the past couple of months. The boss had one of his brainwaves down in the labs not long after we got back from the Festival from Hell, and he spent quite a bit of time down there during the day with the R&D crowd. Between the boss's wildly creative, lunatic genius and Kabuto's practical, measured genius they have come up with something that even I, the non-scientist, consider inspired. I'm not allowed to tell you what that inspired something is since I signed a confidentiality clause in my contract, but Karin and her marketing minions are hard at work promoting and selling units as I type. Since I am awesome at marketing, the boss put me with Karin and we've been working quite closely for the past month or so, teaming up on the promotional side of things. It's been fun. Everyone loves us.

Not only that, the boss informed me not long ago, with a glint in his eye, that he has aspirations to claim the Product of the Year award, the very same award that my brother's organisation won but two years prior. The nominations will be announced over the weekend and I'm thinking somehow that Otogakure Enterprises will be on there. I'd hate to think of the boss's reaction if that were not to be the case. At the very least, we'll be up against the Akatsuki Group, since they have not long expanded their services into Konoha under the keen, avaricious eye of uncle Madara, and they will no doubt have a nomination from that quarter.

I am not sure whether the boss is keen on going up against them, despite the strong faith he holds in the MA-125 series, but I would secretly like it to happen. For one thing, it would mean I could see Itachi in person. I feel like it's been ages. Now I think about it, it has been ages. The last time I saw Itachi was at the Gurner prize exhibition round about my birthday and I only spoke to him for less than five minutes in the gents'. It's getting like the bad old days again when I worked for Konoha-Suna and only saw him once a year at Christmas. We e-mail and talk (briefly and infrequently) on the phone, but it's not the same. I must say I rather miss him. I occasionally ask after him when I'm speaking with various Akatsuki Group higher-ups, but they never have much to tell. They all report that my brother is becoming increasingly withdrawn, sits at his computer late into the night and the only people he talks to, if he decides to talk at all, are Kisame and uncle Madara.

The good news though, is that Itachi did not contract TB during his brief stay in Suna last new year. Konohagakure General hospital contacted everyone who had associated with the Kaguya freak, corralled them in the infectious diseases ward and subjected them to skin tests, blood tests, sputum tests and chest x-rays. Sadly, I was not present when the Akatsuki lot turned up (that is my brother, Deidara and Sasori) but their tests proved negative. Well, I say 'negative'. Sasori was found to be carrying the disease but it was a relic from a childhood infection, not active, and therefore not infectious. He's taking medication to get rid of it, though, so it shouldn't develop into full-blown TB.

The Akatsuki mob were comparatively lucky. As suspected, Kakashi and Iruka had been infected since they spent two nights in close confines with an incredibly infectious Kimimaro coughing and spluttering all over them. Kabuto had also contracted the disease. Justifiably, I'd say, he was quite angry about it, since he had been so careful all these years in the labs and submitted to regular Heaf tests to check he had not caught the disease – and then Kimimaro recklessly let himself get to the point of death, coughed all over Kabuto, and all his precautions flew out the window. Though he's pleasant enough to Kimimaro in the office, to be honest, I still don't think he's entirely over it. Neither is Suigetsu, who was also infected after spending two weeks with the Freak in Suna. When he got his test results back, Suigetsu promptly phoned Otogakure General, asked to speak to a very ill Kimimaro and gave him dog's abuse down the line. I was there when he called. He was ranting and swearing and everything. Remind me never to get on Suigetsu's bad side when I'm lying dying in a hospital bed.

I suppose I should update you on the Kaguya Freak's condition, though I dearly do not wish to, for I hate him with a passion bordering on frenzy. It takes more and more effort to conceal it each day, and I believe the feeling is mutual.

Unfortunately, Kimimaro has made a full recovery. It took him a hell of a long time – the best part of five months – but he's back on his feet. As per the boss's plan, he was transferred to Otogakure General and was kept in isolation until his sputum tests proved negative for TB bacilli. After that, he was kept in his private room (which the boss paid for) and remained in hospital, taking up valuable bed space, to make sure he adhered to the strict medication regime and to let his body recover from its wasted pre-festival state. The boss and Kabuto went to visit him twice weekly, alternating days. I put up a fight when the boss decided he would make his visits, and the boss said I was very welcome to come along and supervise. At first, I was glad to take up his offer, but I sat there in Kimimaro's room feeling about as welcome as genital warts and was almost completely ignored the whole time. The Kaguya Freak said nothing, and his face conveyed no feeling either way when he saw me walk in behind the boss (not that he could do much – there were so many intravenous needles I had to look away) but I could feel the resentment. I don't think anyone has ever hated me so much in my life.

I didn't tag along again.

To make matters worse, he has managed to worm his way back into the office. This was more a matter of luck than skill, but it still rankles. Since Jiraiya and Kiku decided that they did want to keep the kid (more on that story later), it was inevitable that at some point Kiku would have to take maternity leave. This finally came to pass a fortnight ago. Characteristically for the conniving contagious boy-wonder, he put forward the idea that he could step in for Kiku, since he has had prior experience, was good at his job and knows how the company works.

Now up until then, I had tolerated a hell of a lot. I had put up with the boss visiting him unsupervised in hospital. I had put up with the boss and Kabuto talking about said visits regularly over dinner. I had put up with people at work asking me how Kimimaro was doing. I had put up with people who were not from Otogakure Enterprises emailing me to ask how he was doing. I had even put up with Kimimaro moving into the higher ups' apartment block upon his discharge from hospital – but a stone's throw away from the boss's house. I had put up with all of that, but I'd be damned if I was going to put up with him being the boss's PA again, around him twenty-four seven, smarming his loathsome little way into his pants with his sycophantic devotion. "Oh you are so wonderful, Orochimaru-sama! Orochimaru-sama, the sun shines out of your pasty arse cheeks and blinds my unworthy eyes with its radiance! Oh, Orochimaru-sama, let me lick your shoes, please, I beg you!"

Makes me sick.

So I put my foot down about it when the boss suggested it to me after dinner one night. I told him, in no uncertain terms, that I would not tolerate it. Ever. The boss tried to convince me otherwise and we ended up having a raging argument. Luckily, matters went my way. I suppose the boss saw sense (perhaps due to my threatening to leave him if he didn't) for he has shunted Kimimaro into Finance so he can help Juugo, and has temporarily drafted in Kin from Purchasing to serve as his PR until Kiku is ready to come back. Kin can hardly believe her luck. I have been very helpful to her and have popped along to the boss's office at least once a day to see how she is getting on because it is in my interest that she does her job surpassingly well. That may sound pathetic to you, but I saw Kimimaro standing behind her desk, admonishing her in front of the boss after a meeting one day, so I'm going to keep it up. It also provides me with a window into what's going on in the boss's office, because Kin now adores me and will tell me anything I want to know.

As far as Jiraiya and Kiku are concerned, everything seems to be going well for them. All major obstacles have been overcome and they are awaiting the imminent arrival of their first child. The first major obstacle was the boss's horrified disbelief that his best friend would even entertain the thought of having a child. I vividly remember the moment Jiraiya broke the news to him because we were still staying at Kakashi's, waiting on the boss to finalise the details of Kimimaro's transfer to Otogakure General. We were at Kakashi's apartment, sitting in his messy, eclectically decorated living-room; Kakashi and Jiraiya sitting on the sofas with coffee, and Kiku and I on the desktop in the corner looking at baby names (she forced me – I cannot say I enjoyed the experience).

Before long, the buzzer went and Kakashi disappeared downstairs to let the boss in. Looking tired and drawn, his face lit up a bit when he saw me at the computer with Kiku. He came over and leaned in to give me a kiss but froze halfway when he caught a glimpse of the webpage in the browser.

"Kiku, my dear," he said hesitantly, his eyes widening in apprehension, "what is this?"

"You mean, like, the baby names and stuff?" Kiku said, following up with a loud snap of her gum.

"Yes, I mean the baby names."

"Yah. Jiraiya was gonna tell ya. We're gonna keep it. He's over there if you wanna go speak to him. So what d'ya think of Cyndi for a girl, Sasuke—?"

Slowly, the boss's head turned to face Jiraiya. It was like something out of The Exorcist, I swear.

"Jiraiya—" he began, his voice low and his tone ominous.

"Look, Oro…" Jiraiya interrupted, holding up a hand and seeming almost anxious. "I know what I'm doing. We've made our decision and—"

"You cannot look after a child, Jiraiya," the boss countered with startling bluntness.

At that, Jiraiya bristled with indignation and the anxious note turned defensive.

"I can," he said firmly, meeting the boss's eye, "and I will."

"No, you cannot," the boss said, smoothly reiterating his position. "You have said so yourself – and to the establishment nonetheless. What makes you think you will be able to this time?"

Suddenly weary, Jiraiya shook his head and laid his coffee down on the table. Then he stood up. "Can we talk about this elsewhere, Oro? I still need to tell Tsunade and I don't wanna have to go through all this again."

"Fine by me," the boss said. "But you will be driving. Sasuke-kun, I shall be back momentarily – once I have talked some sense into Jiraiya."

While all this was going on, Kakashi and I had been shooting each other surreptitious looks over the sofa, and when Jiraiya and the boss had gone, I spun round in my spinny chair and said, "What was that all about?"

Kakashi shrugged, still staring at the door. "Maybe he's in denial?"

"No, not Orochimaru-sama," I said derisively. "I mean Jiraiya. What's all that stuff about him saying he can't look after kids? It sounded quite official to me."

Kakashi shrugged. "Don't look at me. Believe it or not, I'm not actually that old, so I don't know everything that's gone on in his life. Maybe he got into a bit of trouble when he was younger or something. Who knows?"

Since Kiku did not seem the least bit perturbed by the whole situation and was happily clicking away on the computer, I decided that it probably wasn't that important. At any rate, I figured Kiku knew about it (whatever it was) and it was something that didn't bother her. I suppose it was just something the boss decided to dredge up from the murky past and use as ammo – something I am inclined to believe. It is entirely like him.

It was dark before Jiraiya and the boss reappeared. Kakashi got up to let them inside again and they came in, still chatting. I took that as a good sign, and when the boss slumped down next to me in the sofa, I whispered in his ear, "So how did it go?"

The boss sighed.

"He is resolute, Sasuke-kun."

That seemed pretty final, so I decided the best course of action from then on would be to initiate a sustained plan of damage control and attempt to bring the boss round to accepting the idea of Jiraiya's impending fatherhood. I suspect Jiraiya was thinking upon a similar plane, as he has been unusually nice to the boss over the past couple of months.

Once the obstacle in the form of the boss was surmounted (or if not surmounted, at least confronted), another appeared in the form of Kiku's family. Despite Teuchi-san's very definite wish never to see his youngest daughter again, Kiku expressed the desire to inform her family of the imminent addition. Both the boss and I thought this idea utterly mad – and who could blame us? We have our reasons, and among them most salient is that we both ended up injuring Teuchi-san at Lee's party last November. I still wake up in a cold sweat at night thinking about those frozen prawns.

Kakashi, too, expressed a negative opinion, though that was more to do with the fact that we were still at his apartment, and if anything kicked off it would be his property being damaged. Surprisingly, Jiraiya was very supportive of his girlfriend's lunatic whim, and offered to join her if she wanted to visit her family. Kiku squealed with delight and ran off to fetch the phone. She ended up talking to Ayame, her elder sister, for three hours (much to Kakashi's chagrin, as the minutes were on peak-time rates) and a visit on neutral ground was arranged for the following day.

The boss tried to convince them not to do it after he came back from the hospital, but Kiku said that she had to, that she couldn't live with having her kid cut off from its family, and that in all honesty she missed her father and her sister and wanted them to be a part of her kid's life. Jiraiya stood by her side and nodded and looked all manly while she made her stirring speech, but I noticed a glimmer of apprehension in his eyes. I must say I felt for him. I know no one who owns more knives than Teuchi-san. And he knows how to use them.

Fortunately, Jiraiya's apprehension and the boss's predictions of lawsuits and carnage went unfounded. They returned from the kaiseki restaurant (the same one the boss prefers when in Konoha – Jiraiya must have been wanting to impress) looking slightly shaken, but physically unharmed. As soon as the door clicked shut behind them, Kiku vaulted onto Kakashi's battered sofa and squealed and squealed and squealed. Really. I have never heard anything like it. It was literally a series of long strings of "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

When we managed to calm her down and took a few moments to let our ears recover from the ringing, Kiku finally told us what had transpired.

"My dad said it was okay!" she squeaked, bubbling over with joy. "My dad said he'd had, like, time to think about it and he said that it was cool and that he knows now that Jiraiya's not, like, just gonna screw me over or anything like that and that he's fine with us being together. But ya know what the total best thing is, guys? The best thing is that he said he missed me and he just wanted to know if I was being taken care of and that he's, like, so happy now cos he's secretly always wanted to be a grandpa…"

At that point, Kiku dissolved into happy sobs and Jiraiya smiled and wrapped his arm around her, beaming. The boss rolled his eyes, but I think he was secretly pleased, or perhaps relieved that he was no longer in danger of being slashed in a dark alley by a mad chef intent on revenge. Maybe it was a bit of both. I'm feeling charitable enough to give him at least a portion of the benefit of the doubt. As for me, well, I'm happy for them I really am, but I'm not looking forward to having to personally apologise to Teuchi-san for the prawns. I did send him a present and an apology card at the time, but I asked Naruto to give it to him so it wasn't as personal as it might have been.

Oh, and speaking of Naruto, he's still going out with Hinata. How much longer it's going to last, though, I'm not sure. For one, I am not certain he realises just how much she likes him. He seems to be treating it as a casual affair, just meeting up with Hinata now and then, hanging out, having a laugh, watching movies, playing videogames. That their relationship is technically long-distance is also making things difficult. Or at least that's how I see it. Hinata, I believe, feels it something of a trial – especially whenever Naruto asks her to come visit in Otogakure.

It took Hinata ages to pluck up the courage to tell her father and Neji that she was going to take a couple of days off to go see Naruto the first time, and I believe they opposed it at first. This was until she politely pointed out that she was old enough to do whatever she liked, and that she was only being courteous in asking their permission and that if they would be so kind as to grant it, she would be much obliged. Eventually they did, Hinata caught a flight out, and was plunged right into the deep end the first day she arrived.

Now Hinata has always been shy around me, around Jiraiya, around Kiku, Kabuto and pretty much everyone in the known universe, but that is nothing compared to her fear of the boss. She is absolutely terrified of him.

Naruto went to pick her up from the airport the first time she came out here, and when he brought her back to the boss's house, intent on giving her the partial tour (a whole tour would take the best part of a day) the boss and I were having a minor argument in the TV room. I cannot even remember what we were arguing about, so it cannot have been that serious – but I do remember the boss snatching a fistful of cashew nuts from a nearby bowl and launching them at me. The salty snack foods went sailing past my head and clattered against the wall just as Naruto opened the door to say hi.

Oblivious to animosity as per usual, Naruto grinned and called out, "Hey guys, Hinata's here!" and when we ignored him completely in lieu of a wonderfully cathartic cashew fight, he shrugged and said, "Meh, they're always arguing. We'll talk to them later. Wanna play laser tag?"

Hinata went "meep…" by way of agreement and they retreated upstairs. By the time they came back down, the boss and I were on the floor laughing hysterically in a sea of stomped on, broken nuts. I do not believe this helped convince Hinata of our respective levels of sanity. To seal the deal on the boss, Hinata witnessed one of his spectacular work-related tantrums on her last visit, and I am now convinced she thinks he's a total fruit loop. Which he kind of is sometimes, but he is allowed his moments.

The boss, for his part, doesn't mind Hinata. She's a well-brought up girl from one of the oldest families in Konoha (the Hyuugas are old money), and the boss is a more-or-less well-brought up man from one of the wealthiest families in Konoha. They move in the same social circles and had similar upbringings and education, so there was little scope for clash there. Unfortunately, their personalities differ upon such a vast scale that I would say the differences might be measured in terms of light years, or the life cycles of stars, perhaps, or even the time it takes for a universe to explode into being and collapse into nothingness.

As I said, they're a bit different, but they get on. Mainly because Hinata is too freaked out by the boss to do anything that would upset him. The boss looks upon Hinata as one would look upon an adorable, cute, inoffensive but ultimately helpless newborn lamb. He has even taken to referring to her as 'the little Hyuuga lamb', or variations on that theme, always saying how quiet she is – which only makes Hinata blush harder and retreat further into her shell.

At any rate, I think Hinata is finding the infrequent visiting difficult, and it's not all due to the boss's rampant insensitivity. Naruto does not seem bothered in the slightest by the whole long-distance thing, but then that is his way. He is remarkably retarded when it comes to relationships and cannot discern trouble until it has smacked him up side the head with considerable force – at which point he will normally whine at me for not telling him things were going wrong.

And I suppose this weekend will be interesting to say the least, because we will be back in Konoha as the harbingers of drama, disease and doom (that's what Kakashi has taken to calling us at any rate, the cheeky git).

We're going to Konoha because we've been invited to Asuma and Kurenai's wedding. And when I say 'we', I mean myself, the boss, Jiraiya, Kiku, Naruto, Kabuto and (I grit my teeth and clench my fists) Kimimaro. I'm actually quite nervous, since I have been invited to attend the actual ceremony along with the rest of the Sarutobi/Yuuhi family. Apparently, I count as family since I'm the boss's significant other, and he, of course, is family because he is Sarutobi's favourite unofficially adopted son. I must confess myself surprised that the boss even received an invite after their little spat at the Festival from Hell. Perhaps Sarutobi forced Asuma to send one? Who knows.

Since we're attending the ceremony, we are staying at the Sarutobis' beautiful, traditional, shinden-zukuri style house in the hills of Konoha. Kakashi and Shikamaru will be with us, since they're Asuma's best friends, as will Jiraiya and Tsunade, old family friends, and their significant others (a blessed relief, I might add. I was starting to freak out at the prospect of being surrounded by 'family' I did not know). Those coming from further afield but only attending the reception are staying at the hotel.

The boss has had some new formal commissioned for me, a black kimono with stylised Uchiha fans round the collar, a white nagajuban, a lighter silvery kimono to go under the black one, grey hakama, a very heavy maru obi and formal zori. The whole ensemble is encumbersome to such a degree, I have had to practise walking around inside with it. The boss has been supervising and he has told me I have just about got the hang of it. Thankfully, I won't have to wear the damn things all day – I have a tuxedo I can change into for the reception. The boss has also commissioned some new formal for himself, and I can state without hesitation that his kimono is nothing short of spectacular.

True to form, the boss has decided to defy convention and has opted for a rather grand, feminine, juni-hitoe style ensemble. Twelve layers of clothing, the top layer made of luxurious, heavy black silk and decorated with gold brocade and precious stones. The many, many undergarments are all variations on a theme of gold, white and black – and the sleeves are great, gaping things with writhing, stylised snakes the main feature of the cuffs. I guarantee someone will come a cropper because of them. To top it all off, though, he took a delivery only yesterday of an envy-inducing gold, jade and onyx bead headdress. It's fine filigree work and looks like the elaborate fans of a peacock's tail. I don't want to think how much it cost, but he tried it on and it looked fantastic. He is in real danger of upstaging both Asuma and Kurenai (which is doubtless his intent).

Unfortunately, since we've been so busy over here, we have not had time for rehearsal. The boss has been to a couple of weddings, though, and he knows the ropes and has said I can follow his lead. Thank god for that. I've never been to a wedding before, never mind one so grand, and I don't want to get something wrong and make an arse of myself.

As I type, there are some underlings packing away our formal for us and we're flying out tonight at seven on the boss's jet. I don't know how Asuma and Kurenai are feeling, but I'm kind of nervous.

One sec…

Okay. I'm going to have to write more later. Jiraiya is looming over my laptop, holding an expensive-looking kimono in each hand. I think he wants me to help him make a decision. Why does everyone come to me for fashion advice? I mean, I know I dress well, but it doesn't mean the clothes I wear will look equally good on everyone. When will the rest of the world learn that it is not possible to replicate the fey beauty of an Uchiha in a lesser vessel?

Oh well. I am feeling somewhat charitable. Perhaps I could offer him some advice at least. It will be better than nothing.

Will write later!

LATER:

It is just past midnight and I am feeling strangely tired even though the flight to Konoha only lasts an hour. Though I have just watched a movie with the boss and laughed myself silly over and above the whole hasty packing and last-minute flight, so I suppose I am perfectly within my rights to feel a shade fatigued. The boss has popped out to the toilet, so I shall take this opportunity to update before turning in for the night.

The boss and I are settled in our bedroom, assigned to us by the Sarutobis for the duration of our stay. It is a beautiful room and very traditional at that. The floors are tatami, the walls are moveable and composed of paper and wood to let in light, the bed is low to the ground and piled high with white silk sheets and soft pillows. There is a little black, lacquered table in the middle of the room at which the boss and I may sit and chat if the mood takes us, and there is a rather antique-looking folding screen at the far end. The boss tells me the dressing screen was an original feature and came with the house when Sarutobi bought it, and that it is over four-hundred years old. In light of this information, I have not went near it and have no plans to touch it or approach it. I shall admire it from afar and therefore run no risk of destroying it with an ill-timed bout of horrendous bad luck.

The room we're staying in is actually the boss's old room – the one Sarutobi always keeps reserved for him, no matter whether or not he has the intention of coming to stay. I must say when the boss told me this, I felt a twinge of jealousy, for Sarutobi's house is stunning. Perhaps the most beautiful house I have ever had the pleasure to visit. I would kill to live in a place like this, and I am perfectly serious about that. If ever the opportunity arises, Sarutobi had better watch his back.

Thoughts of homicide aside, the Sarutobi family home is only one story high, but it is a large complex – sort of U-shaped, with different buildings connected by open corridors. The boss tells me it was built by a nobleman over four-hundred years ago and one of his hard-up descendants sold it to Sarutobi in an attempt to downsize. An excellent buy, I feel.

It is set at the foot of the forested hills of Konoha (so privacy is never an issue, thank god) and because of this, it has a rather wonderful garden with lakes and bridges and mist and little man-made islands and groves of cherry blossom and ume trees. There are two long, covered walkways looking out onto the garden, at the end of which are two open pavilions where people can go at night and relax or have a bit of fun. Inside, it is all solid, highly polished wooden floors and sliding doors. Traditional artwork covers every inch of the ceilings, telling stories of Shinto gods and demons, and – get this – there are even nightingale floors outside the Sarutobis' bedroom. At the centre of the main building is a courtyard where the ceremony will be held. A shrine has been built and blessed specially for the occasion. Sarutobi has pretty much gone all out for his son's wedding – and all the solemn grandeur had something of an effect on Asuma.

After we dropped off Naruto, Kabuto and the Freak at the hotel we arrived at the Sarutobis' home and found it in a flurry of preparation and high-spirits. Details were still being finalised even at half-past eight, and there were a lot of stressed-looking men and women buzzing about, carting crates of flowers, hanging lanterns, talking hurriedly on mobile phones and generally being short with one another. We found Sarutobi standing in the middle of a crowd of wedding planners looking world-weary, and when Jiraiya cupped his hands round his mouth and yelled "HEY, SARUTOBI-SENSEI! WE'RE HERE!" he almost bowled them over he moved so fast.

Relieved to have been provided with an excuse to get away from it all, Sarutobi happily gave us a tour of his home before showing us to our rooms. It was not long before Tsunade and Dan turned up, and the older lot knitted together in that way of theirs and commandeered the sitting area in the private part of the building with solid walls (built and arranged so that none of the hoi polloi may enter, I suppose). Kiku and I sat with them for a bit, but they started bickering about some inane, trivial matter that occurred twenty years or so ago, so to save ourselves withering away from sheer boredom, we decided to head out for a wander and look for Kakashi and Shikamaru.

Eventually, we found them sitting with Asuma at one of the open, roofed pavilions that look out onto garden. They were all smoking, an action which triggered my keen empathetic senses and led me to believe that all was not well in the worlds of Hatake Kakashi, Nara Shikamaru and Sarutobi Asuma, for Kakashi and Shikamaru never smoke unless they're stressed, and from look of the piled-high ashtray at Asuma's elbow, it appeared he had been chain-smoking, which, again, was a sure-fire indicatior of a troubled psyche.

Having taken note of this, I had planned to be subtle and careful in dealing with them, to introduce my presence as unobtrusively as possible and sit quietly by them, perhaps staring out across the garden in a pensive manner before bringing up any potential sore points. Lamentably, Kiku is not so observant, and, waddling over in her special, loose-fitting kimono that caters for her now obviously pregnant state, she barged straight in, plonked herself down between them and said, "Hey, hey, hey guys! Jeez… what's up with the grumpy faces? You nervous, or somthin'?"

Asuma took a drag from his cigarette and exhaled. He nodded morosely.

"I dunno if I'm doing the right thing," he said.

Kakashi rolled his eyes and added, as if in explanation, "We watched some stand-up last night after the stag party and it plunged him into the depths of psychological despair."

"Yup. That's about right," Shikamaru said.

"Okaaaay…" I said, casting an apprehensive look at Asuma, who was still gazing out at the mist and the water and the distant lanterns on the far shore. "So how exactly did the plunging come about, because – and correct me if I'm wrong here – isn't comedy supposed to make you laugh?"

Asuma turned round and fixed me with such a haunted, angst-filled look I almost burst out laughing then and there. I know. It was not very sympathetic of me, but honestly, it's not as if he's the first man to experience pre-wedding jitters. The way he was acting, though, you would have been forgiven for believing it was indeed the case, and that he was the only one who had ever had second thoughts about marriage and the only single, tortured soul who had been consumed by guilt for thinking those thoughts and thus no one in the world could understand his agony and that obviously they'd have to delay the wedding or even call it off. At any rate, it was clear he had been working himself into quite the state, so with a sigh, I prepared myself for the first bout of damage-control of the weekend and lent a sympathetic ear as Asuma gave voice to his inner turmoil.

"You wanna know what happened, Sasuke?" he said, misery etched on every line in his face. "I'll tell you."

"We all went for drinks at the stall next to the strip joint in Fun Fun Street. There was a big gang of us," he said, counting on his fingers, "me, Kakashi, Shikamaru, Chouji, Kiba, Lee, Shino, Iruka, Yamato, Gai, Ibiki, Aoba, Hayate, Ebisu, Genma, Kotetsu, Izumo – everyone. It was awesome. We had a couple of drinks and then we went into the club and some of the guys got a lapdance – not me, though, because I was thinking about Kurenai and she'd kill me if she ever found out. And not Gai and Lee because… well, you know about that straight edge thing they've got going on. So anyway, once the strip joint closed, I went back to Kakashi's with Shikamaru and we watched some TV and drank a few beers. There was this guy on doing stand up talking about divorce. He starts asking people if they're any newlyweds in the house and this guy puts up his hand. I can't remember what all the jokes were, but the comedian guy said something that just totally made me re-think the whole wedding thing.

He said, 'What'd you go and spoil it for all by proposing?'"

"Ah," I said, nodding as everything was finally made clear.

"Yeah," Asuma said, taking another drag of his cigarette. "I mean, what he said… it's totally true. And it got me thinking. What if we are spoiling what we've got? The past couple of years have been a blast. Working, chilling, going out with the guys and the girls, getting the apartment together, hanging, talking, sexing – all the cool stuff, you know?"

"And you think the good stuff will end if you get married," I said frankly, a half smile twitching at the corner of my mouth.

"Not exactly," Asuma replied, looking sheepish. "It's more like… well… when you get married, that's when all the really serious shit starts. You start out with flat, rent, girlfriend, cat and then without you noticing it creeps up on you and turns into house, mortgage, wife and kids. It's freaking me out, Sasuke."

"Wouldn't you like to buy a house with Kurenai?"

"Well… yeah, I guess so, but—"

"Would it kill you to have a mortgage?"

"I can take it or leave it, to be honest."

"Would it make you happy to call Kurenai your wife?"

"Of course, but—"

"Don't you want kids?"

"At some point, yeah—"

"Then what, pray tell, is the big, screaming deal?"

Asuma sighed a shuddering sigh, stubbed out his cigarette and ran a hand through his hair.

"I don't know, Sasuke," he moaned. "I don't know. I guess… I think… I mean… I was kinda comparing what we've got with other people. Like you guys," he said, pointing at Kiku. "You and Jiraiya. You're not married and you're having the time of your lives."

"Yah," Kiku giggled, "but we're kinda having a baby, so that's, like, totally different."

"No, no, no, that's not what I'm getting at. You're having a kid with Jiraiya, right?"

"Yah."

"And you know once it's born and it's there and you're arguing about it and bad shit's going down you won't leave Jiraiya, or Jiraiya won't leave you, right?"

"Yah."

"So you know you're serious about each other and you don't need to get married to let the world know about it."

"Okay, I kinda get ya now."

"And you and Oro," Asuma said, turning and pointing a finger at me. "I mean, seriously, do you ever see Oro getting married?"

I thought about it for a fraction of a second, and even those images conjured up in such a short space of time were too alien for me to contemplate, so my swift answer was a clear and resounding no.

"Me neither," Asuma said. "And do you know why?"

"Why?"

"Because marrying spoils all the fun and takes the options out of a relationship. That's what he said. If you're with someone, but not married, you choose to be with them. He said it means more. Shows a bit of loyalty. On the other hand, if you're married, you're legally bound to that someone, and even if you end up hating their guts and you wanna leave and get the hell out – well tough shit, because some old bastards hundreds of years ago laid down a law saying you can't and everyone else goes along with it."

"Is that what he thinks?" I asked, genuinely curious.

"Yeah," Asuma said, lighting up another cigarette. "I heard him telling my parents about it when he broke up with Kimimaro and my mum was on his back about settling down."

"It does make sense…"

"I know!" Asuma exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air. "And then there's you, Kakashi. I mean, you're the perfect example. You don't even need a girlfriend to be happy because you can make casual stuff work—"

"Asuma," Kakashi warned, "you are not using Orochimaru-sama and I as an excuse to call off your wedding."

Asuma held up his hands and backtracked hurriedly under Kakashi's stern glare.

"Whoa, man. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that none of you guys are married and you're all perfectly happy."

"You're assuming I'm happy."

"Aren't you?"

Kakashi's expression darkened. There was a short pause during which he turned away. "You already know about Ayame," he muttered. "I don't want to talk about it."

Instantly, my gossip receptors went into overdrive. "Who's Ayame?" I asked, turning to Asuma for answers.

"It's Ayame, the girl who works at Ichiraku Ramen," he said, trying to suppress a grin.

"Like, oh my god, that's my sister!!" Kiku squeaked, trying to keep her voice down but failing miserably as her excitement bubbled over, making Kakashi sigh in a long-suffering manner.

"Yeah," Shikamaru said, chipping in. "Kakashi's being trying to get at her for ages. He keeps asking her out, but she never says one way or the other."

"Man, what's up with her?" I asked, outraged on my old boss's behalf. "Girls love Kakashi. They've always loved him and that mysterious, aloof, well-read but unattainable batchelor act he's got going on."

"Iruka is what's up with her," Asuma replied, taking a drag.

"What, is she going out with him?" I asked, incredulous.

"Nope. But he likes her too. They're both fighting for her. Funniest damn thing I've ever seen."

Briefly, Kakashi turned round and informed Asuma how glad he was to hear that his misfortune amused him before sinking once again into his sullen sulk. Kiku, however, was tickled pink by the news that her sister had not one, but two handsome admirers.

"Like, oh my gawd!" she said, clapping her hands with delight. "That is so totally awesome. I mean, like, seriously, she's so lucky cos you're both, like, way hot – though Iruka's got that cute, little scar across his nose—"

"Excuse me," Kakashi interrupted, pointing at the thin, dark streak that ran down the length of his left eye, "but Iruka's not the only one with a cute scar."

"Yah," Kiku said thoughtfully, "it's cute and all, but Iruka's is all like 'whoa where'dya get that?' and yours is more like 'oh look guys, it's Scar from the Lion King!"

I swear I almost wet myself at that one. Really. I hadn't laughed so hard in ages, and to judge from their reactions, neither had Asuma, or Shikamaru. We were all clutching at each other, howling with laugher and valiantly attempting to draw breath, and when Kiku realised that what she had said was incredibly funny, she joined in and was seriously in danger of dropping the kid right then and there as her mascara started to bleed into her tears of hilarity. Kakashi, however, did not see the funny side and he called us all sorts of nasty names. In retaliation, I began to sing the chorus of "Be Prepared" from the Lion King, which only made us all laugh harder and ended with Kakashi walking off in disgust.

I hope Kakashi hasn't fallen out with me. He's not answering my texts.

Oh well. At least I accomplished my damage-control related goal. Asuma has been cheered up no end (by none other than a Disney joke, who would have believed it?) and he went off to his room, whistling "Be Prepared" and chortling to himself. I was still sniggering when I opened the door to the bedroom and found the boss inside, in his nightshirt and just about to fall into bed. He inquired as to what had amused me so and I repeated the series of Lion King related jokes Kiku and I had fired out at Kakashi's expense. Unfortunately, the boss had never before seen the Lion King, so in order to explain the joke, I had to make him watch it.

Since the Sarutobis don't have a ready and available collection of children's DVDs, I had to scour the internet for the movie. Thankfully, some kind soul had uploaded it onto Veoh, so the boss and I jumped into bed, snuggled up and watched it on my laptop. An hour and a half later, the boss delivered his positive verdict on the movie, citing the opening number as a "highlight" and the killing of Mufasa as "memorable". He also laughed rather a lot during "Be Prepared" and said he never realised Kakashi was so conniving, although his alliance with the hyenas did go some way towards explaining his unnatural love of dogs.

Eventually, I was forced to turn off the internet because we ended up dancing around the room like idiots, playing "Be Prepared" on loop, and it was getting late. The boss, at any rate, will have to be up at stupid a.m. in order to put on all his clothing, and it'll take me ages to be crushed into that obi. I must say I am not relishing another encounter with it.

Oh well. I'd better shut this thing off and get to bed. I'm going to take the opportunity to do so, as the boss has just wandered off down the corridor to the toilet, humming a few bars of "Be Prepared."

I hope he doesn't bump into Kakashi along the way.

It's the wedding and reception tomorrow, so I should have something interesting to write about. When I say 'interesting' that most definitely does not include drama.

Until then!

January 18th

Thought you would like to know that the ceremony itself went off without a hitch. It was seamless, flawless and devoid of trauma. I heartily congratulate the Sarutobis on their considerable achievement (having taken into account the attendees and the latent potential for conflict.) All that is left to get through is the reception, which is being held in a grand room built specially for entertaining and impressing lots of guests. In order for me to be able to get through the reception without fainting, I have sneaked off to change into something more comfortable. Since Mrs Sarutobi does not keep servants and does not believe in keeping them, the boss accompanied me and kindly helped divest me of my clothing. Unfortunately, during the process of divestment, the boss seemed to decide that he, too, wished to shed his twelve layers of complicated clothing, with the view of fitting in a quick shag in the bedroom. In consequence, I have been granted a spare forty-five minutes or so to write a quick update while the boss is darting about like a blue-arsed fly at the other end of the room, frantically flinging on his clothes so we won't be too late in arriving at the reception.

Honestly. I despair sometimes at the lack of self-control he exercises over himself. If I had not partaken of all that sake during the ceremony, I am sure I would be much less forgiving. Ah well. It's done now, and I did enjoy the spontaneous sex. Kurenai and Asuma are still outside having photos taken, so it'll be fine as long as we arrive before them.

I suppose I should write a little about the ceremony, but truth be told, there is not all that much to tell. We all lined up at midday in the courtyard behind Asuma and Kurenai, and filed into the make-shift shrine in procession. The reception-attending guests were all there, waiting outside in the freezing cold and looking forward to being back inside. Even standing next to me – the better looking Uchiha – the boss looked absolutely amazing, and when he swept across the courtyard with me hanging onto his arm, everyone stared. Their faces were a mixture of awe, jealousy and outright admiration. I felt a bit self-conscious and also a bit bad for Kurenai because it was her wedding day, but the boss was loving it, so I held my head high and turned on my Uchiha attitude.

In line, the boss and I were positioned behind Kurenai's parents and her little sister, then behind us came Konohamaru and his mother, followed by Jiraiya and Kiku, Tsunade and Dan, Homura and Koharu, with Danzou bringing up the rear. Kakashi and Shikamaru were up front with Asuma. Accompanied by traditional music, we gracefully filed inside, took our seats, and watched Chiriku the priest (a friend of Asuma's from his days at the monastery) perform his funky little purification ritual. He then chanted at Asuma and Kurenai in a language I did not understand, and they afterwards exchanged three cups of sake. The symbolism of this act escaped me (I might ask the boss later about it, if I remember.)

When the sake drinking was done and dusted, Asuma and Kurenai handed each other their wedding rings, and Asuma, with trembling hands and shaking voice, read the vow aloud. Kurenai tacked her name onto the end, and each turned to present (rather bizarrely) a branch as an offering. Again, the symbolism of this escaped me, but it seemed to please Chiriku the priest, as he smiled and pronounced them married.

It then fell to the rest of us to exchange cups of sake. I presumed this was to represent the union of the two families. I rather enjoyed that part of the process – and not merely because there was alcohol involved. It was during that time I observed Konohamaru being smacked over the back of the head by his mother for taking three helpings of sake and flirting with the miko girl who was serving. I was also witness to the boss creeping up behind Kakashi and whispering, "I killed Mufasa," which made Shikamaru and I laugh so hard everyone stared. And to put the icing on the cake, I was party to a rare act of stunning generosity on the boss's part, when he sidled up to Asuma and Kurenai and placed in their hands the traditional red wedding-gift money envelope. He murmured, "I do not wish to make this public, so have a very brief look and put it away. Do not tell anyone how much is in there, do you understand?"

Asuma and Kurenai nodded warily. Peeking inside the envelope, Kurenai gasped. She handed it to Asuma, whose eyes widened as he took in the contents.

"That's far too much, Orochimaru-sama," she whispered anxiously. "We couldn't possibly— you shouldn't have to—"

The boss smiled secretively and placed a finger to his lips, silencing Kurenai. "No it is not too much, yes you can quite easily accept my gift, and I have done it because I wish to and because I can. Now, I am going over there to speak with your father-in-law. Please do something constructive with it. If I get wind you have donated even a fraction to charity, I shall be most displeased. And remember— tell no one."

They nodded, a shade shell-shocked, and the boss grabbed my arm and swept off towards Sarutobi, leaving me wondering just how much of his hard-earned he had handed over. I really want to find out in a bad way, but I don't want to be so crass as to ask any of them. I suppose I shall never know, unless I break into Juugo's apartment and have a flick through the books. If they buy a house anytime soon, though, I'll have a good idea.

After the sake and pleasantries and surreptitious gift-giving, it was time to line up again and head across the courtyard. At the sight of the newlyweds emerging from the shrine, the assembled guests cheered and hollered, launching rice and confetti at us as we filed past. The majority of the line-up went on through to the banquet room, but the boss and I, as I have already explained, took the opportunity to sneak away so I could change. Thus my update comes full-circle. Which is just as well, really, because the boss has just about finished layering up and wants me to help secure his headdress. I texted Naruto to ask whether Asuma and Kurenai had arrived yet and he said that we still have ten minutes because they're changing too.

God I hope we make it in time.

LATER:

It is ten minutes to two in the morning, and the wedding reception is just about over. Most of the peripheral guests have departed (by that I mean the distant relations and acquaintances less well-known), leaving the close family and friends to party late on into the night. Technically, I should be writing this entry under a separate date. In fact, I think I shall. And I shall give it a title for ease of reference, since I am feeling strangely pedantic. Perhaps I am channelling Itachi. Please excuse me.

January 19th

The Wedding Aftermath

Having thought more deeply about this particular entry than is my wont, having given it its proper place in the space-time continuum of my journal, I have decided that I will dedicate this entry to exploding a stereotype. Namely, the stereotype of friction, drama and histrionics that has built up around the boss and myself. After what I have observed at the reception today, I find it quite the cheek that anyone would accuse the boss and I of being conflict catalysts, since we behaved ourselves impeccably today, getting along quite famously with not a cross word between us. In fact, the only hints of drama were from other quarters, and were nothing to do with us.

I realise you may not believe a word I am saying here, but it is true. For one thing, I spent the best part of the reception playing agony aunt to various parties, listening to them divulging their problems as though I could help solve them. It was quite silly, really, since Neji was there (but then I guess it was his day off, so it would have been rude to ask him to listen to their woes gratis and on demand. I wouldn't have done it if I were him.) On the other hand, though, it is rather amusing to be the only one who truly knows what's going on with everyone – being the only soul in the room who knows the entire story. The Kakashi-Ayame-Iruka triangle of angst is a case in point. If I'm not careful, I'm going to have one of my power trips again.

Thus to stave off temptation (and also for future reference in case I have to blackmail anyone at any point) I shall record the above mentioned gossip in agony aunt style format for my amusement, and with any luck, I'll have time to fit in what happened at the reception.

Here goes.

----

Dear Sasuke,

I am a successful thirty-something, with a good, stable job. I am well-read, have my own property, a car, a diverse stock portfolio, a pension plan and excellent dental and health care. Despite all this, I have a great sense of humour and know not to take myself too seriously. I know this is not a personals ad, but hear me out. The context is vital.

Without sounding like I'm blowing my own trumpet, well… it's never been hard for me to find a girl. Actually, it's so easy, I've been finding myself having to come up with ever more ingenious ways of fending them off, so I can pick and choose the best ones and break it off when I can't be bothered anymore. I've spent years cultivating the image of an unattainable, aloof, yet ideal man, and I'm all but saying "Shaken, not stirred" when I meet a new girl. Now that I've fallen for someone, though, it's all backfired.

I've been asking her out for a couple of months, but she's never told me yes or no – and I'm at my wits' end because I genuinely do like her. I'm worried that she's taken too much store in my image and thinks I won't be good for the long term. To make matter worse, though, I found out my friend Iruka likes her too. Even though she hasn't said one way or the other to him either, it's really put a strain on our relationship. I don't want to back down on this one but I don't want to fall out with him.

What should I do?

Kakashi.

----

Dear Sasuke,

I've really liked this girl for awhile now. She works at the local restaurant, and she's pretty, funny, intelligent and probably the nicest girl I've ever met. The only thing is, one of my best friends, Kakashi, likes her too. He's the kind of guy who has a whole string of girls waiting to go out with him, and he's arrogant and cocky and totally full of himself but acts all cool and disinterested. The girls love it, for some reason, but I can see through him.

It'd kill me if he went out with her and treated her like all the rest. She deserves better than that. The only thing is, I feel I can't compete with him. He is high up on the corporate ladder, is better-looking, has a bachelor pad, reads lots of books and is irritatingly cool, funny and talented. I'm just a school teacher.

I can't back down on this one, but it's beginning to get to me. And I don't want to lose him as a friend.

What should I do?

Iruka.

----

Dear Sasuke,

These two guys keep asking me out, but I'm not really that interested. They're lovely and all, and I like them as friends, but I have my eye on someone else.

How do I let them down gently?

Ayame.

----

Ah yes. The first mini-drama of the day, and something I have come to call the Kakashi-Ayame-Iruka triangle of futility. It is rather tragic, and for two reasons. One, because for all Iruka and Kakashi's efforts, Ayame is simply not interested, and two, because the person Ayame does have her eye on is thoroughly unattainable. That person would be me.

How do I know this? I will tell you.

After the rather wonderful meal provided as a joint effort by the Sarutobi/Yuuhi co-operation, a band trouped out from behind a screen and began to play traditional music. Quite a few of the guests got up to dance, but the boss and I did not. Instead, we contented ourselves with people watching and were greatly amused at Kakashi and Iruka's attempts to coax Ayame into dancing with them. Each potential suitor was politely denied, and, glaring daggers at one another, they retreated to their table to form a Plan B. Asuma was right. It is the funniest damn thing I've ever seen, and I could not help but watch. It was train wreck material, I swear to god.

Completely by accident, I happened to steal a quick look over at Teuchi and Ayame's table in order to gauge her reaction to the stupidity of my two friends and I caught her eye. Smiling, she rose from her seat and found her way through the crowd to sit in Konohamaru's vacated seat next to me at the 'family table'. The boss was in the middle of a conversation with Tsunade and Dan, and wasn't listening, so she was free to speak as she pleased.

"Wow, Sasuke," she said, a little breathlessly. "It's mad in here."

I laughed and agreed, saying that I'd probably need a holiday to recover from it all, at which Ayame giggled, before adding, "It's been so long since I've seen you. In fact, the last time I saw you was when you came to Konoha with Orochimaru-sama and you met everyone outside the restaurant. You were going to Club Fun Fun, remember?"

"Oh yes," I said grimly, recalling the horrible mess that weekend had descended into.

"Then Itachi came to pick you up in that new car and took you to the hospital to get your cast taken off!"

The first alarm bells of suspicion began to ring in my mind. I ran the scenario through in my head and came to the conclusion that there was no way in hell she would've known about Itachi and my hospital appointment. Naruto wasn't there when it happened, so he wouldn't have been able to tell her about it, neither was Jiraiya, and I didn't even know Kiku back then. What, I wondered, was her game?

"Hold on," I said, raising an eyebrow. "How do you know about that? We didn't go to your place that day."

"Oh," Ayame said, raising a hand to her mouth and blushing. "I… well… Itachi stopped by for something in the morning before he went to pick you up. He had some of our special breakfast ramen and told me about it."

"You know Itachi?" I said, genuinely curious.

"Mmm-hmm," she replied, nodding and smiling. "We were in the same year at the Academy."

"Oh yeah!" I exclaimed, snapping my fingers as memories came flooding back. "You went out with Shisui for a while, didn't you?"

"God, that takes me back!" she said, laughing and shaking her head. "You had to bring that up, didn't you. He was my first ever boyfriend."

"Hey, you started the memory lane trip…" I countered. "And I do remember, because you turned up at our house one day with Itachi and Shisui and I wanted to play but Shisui wouldn't let me."

"And then you ran crying to Itachi and told him Shisui wouldn't let you play and he went over and kicked him and everyone fell out," Ayame added, with a sly grin.

"Absolutely," I sniffed. "Serves him right for not letting me play, the wanker."

Ayame shook her head in a disapproving manner. "Oh Sasuke, Sasuke. Such an adorable, little thing, yet so manipulative, even at that tender age…"

In response, my jaw dropped in righteous indignation, and Ayame took advantage of my stunned silence to reach over and pinch my cheek. With a twinkle in her eye, she added, "And you're still the same. Even now."

"I am not manipulative!" I called out, as she swept away from the table and threw me a cheeky backward glance before disappearing into the crowd. "And I would say I'm more sexy than adorable!"

Now tell me that was not a flirtatious display. Although she did not say it outright, I may infer by context that she still finds me 'adorable' – and now that I think about it, she totally blushed when I winked at her as she was signing my cast. It is official. She definitely wants me. She also appears to have a history of Uchiha-fondness.

It really is regrettable, because she is a very pretty girl and could have her pick of the bunch from the Konoha lot. Goodness knows Kakashi and Iruka are trying their hardest to catch her. Alas, alas, for she has set her sights too high. I am an Uchiha, for one, and not only that but I am taken by none other than Orochimaru-sama of Otogakure Enterprises. I hate to have to let her down, but it would be awkward. The boss wouldn't approve, and besides, I'm just not into her. I'd much rather we remain friends.

I hope Kakashi and Iruka never find out. Ha! They'll never speak to me again if the realise the girl of their dreams is in love with me. Sometimes it is a burden being so attractive. It's not all fun and games. Occasionally, one has to break a few hearts, and I don't like doing it.

And speaking of breaking hearts, I shall move on in a timely fashion to the second love triangle. The one I have dubbed the Hinata-Naruto-Sakura triangle of angst.

----

Dear Sasuke,

For years and years I've liked this guy, and when I say years, I really mean it. I'm talking kindergarten here. The only thing though is that I'm painfully shy and up until recently I could never find the courage to ask him out and he had no idea how I felt.

We went to a festival this summer, I got into trouble, and the guy I liked saved me from being stomped into the ground in the middle of a frenzied crowd. He took me to the first aid tent, one thing led to another, and I've been going out with him for a couple of months. Things are going… okay. I mean, it's long distance and it's hard, but I guess I'm willing to work through it.

There's one big problem, though, and it's beginning to get me down.

The guy I like was in love with this other girl for ages, but every time he asked her out, she turned him down. But now that we're going out, it's a whole different story. She's been really weird with me and she always finds excuses to bring the guy I like into the conversation and she always talks about all the stuff he used to do for her before we started going out. She still talks to him all the time on the phone and she tells me about it to my face.

I think she might be trying to steal him from me.

Please give me some advice, Sasuke. I really like him and I don't want to lose him.

Hinata.

----

Dear Sasuke,

Ever since I can remember, I've been friends with these two guys: Naruto and Sasuke. We hung out as kids and went to school and university together. Somewhere along the way, things got kind of complicated but not so complicated that it endangered our friendship. I developed feelings for Sasuke, and Naruto had a crush on me. Naruto always asked me out, but at the time I turned him down because I liked Sasuke.

I regret it now, because when Sasuke moved away to take that job in Otogakure, I realised just how wonderful Naruto is. I even told Sasuke that at Christmas and said that I wanted some time to put my feelings into order before I did anything about it.

I didn't count on another girl stealing him away from me.

You might think it's selfish, and you're probably right, but it's unfair! He's only going out with her because she threw herself at him at Tea in the Park this year. I'm certain he still has feelings for me, because you can't just stop loving someone over night – so why is he doing this?

I have to get him back. At all costs. Please help, Sasuke. I'm cracking up here.

Sakura.

----

Yes. I think you will get the picture from that brief epistolary-style exchange. The Hinata-Naruto-Sakura triangle of angst is a little more difficult to deal with, since there are actual and potential relationships at stake, long-term crushes and a whole minefield of deep-seated emotions to be navigated through. To be perfectly honest, I don't know how Naruto is going to get through it without breaking any hearts. I'm just glad it's not my problem, that's all I can say!

How did I managed to get the inside scoop on this one? Well, while I was chatting to Ayame, out of the corner of my eye I could see Naruto dancing with Sakura, flinging her about, both laughing with reckless abandon and not caring they had deviated from the traditional money dance format in which one is supposed to dance with the bride or groom. I could also see Hinata sitting at the Hyuuga table, glancing over at them, looking anxious.

The precursor to the Hinata confessional was another case of having accidentally caught her eye. As Ayame vacated Konohamaru's seat, I looked over, and since she seemed fraught with apprehension, I did the gentlemanly thing and gave her a little nod and a wave to let her know that, yes, I had taken note of Naruto and Sakura's inconsiderate behaviour, and that if pushed I would do something about it on her behalf. The next thing I knew, Hinata was sitting next to me, spilling her innermost secrets not only to me, but to the boss as well (he was obviously fed up listening to Tsunade and Danzou arguing about office politics and turned back to me for some interesting conversation). To have confided in the boss like that, she must have been worried.

For a moment after she sat down, her eyes darted between the boss and I, and a hot blush bloomed upon her cheeks. She fidgeted and stuttered until the boss took pity on her.

"What ails you, my poor, little lamb?" he said with as much kindness as he is able to muster.

"I w-want to ask Sasuke a question, if… if that's okay, Orochimaru-sama" Hinata requested politely, bowing her head.

"That's fine with me, Hinata," I replied encouragingly. "You don't have to ask. Fire away."

Galvanised by my affirmative response, she smiled and straightened up a little, though her face was still bright red. "I- I wanted to ask… I mean… Sasuke, does Sakura like Naruto-kun?"

Not a facial muscle twitched as I fought to sustain my carefully neutral expression. I knew right then and there that I had to lie to her because I didn't want to drop Sakura in it. I also knew I had to lie convincingly because the boss was watching me like a hawk, a sly smile lurking at the corners of his mouth. He had detected strife-ridden gossip, and clearly wanted to see how I would deal with the situation.

"Not as far as I'm aware, Hinata," I lied, feeling incredibly guilty all of a sudden. "Sakura has not said anything to me, at any rate."

"Well… you see… I think she might. Might like him, I mean," she replied, biting her bottom lip.

"Why do you think that?" the boss interjected with feigned concern, having thankfully wiped that horrible smile from his face.

"I… well… It's strange. I- I didn't see it right away, but it was the little things. Sakura and I used to get on really well. At work, we'd all go out for lunch with Ino, TenTen, Shizune and Kurenai and… and we'd chat and talk about life stuff, and it was nice. B-Before we were going out, I'd talk about Naruto, and Sakura would always listen. Once, she even said she'd put in a good word for me, a-and I believe she really meant it at the time.

B-but now that you've gone away, Sasuke, and now that I'm with Naruto-kun… things are different."

"How so?" I asked, fearing that Hinata was actually right on the money about Sakura's jealous streak.

"Well, she… w-whenever I talk about Naruto-kun, she always finds an excuse to… to get up and leave, or… or she always talks over me or changes the subject. She arranges nights out when she knows we have a date planned and even took him out for ramen. A-and she's been… awkward with me. I mean… we used to talk all the time, but now she won't even look me in the eye."

At that point, even I couldn't look her in the eye. I stared at the shiny, black lacquered surface of the table, my hands clasped in front of me. I pretended to give thought to what she was saying, but all the while I was desperately trying to come up with a feasible excuse for Sakura.

"Do you think that's what it is, Sasuke?" she whispered, her expression almost pleading. "D-do you think she likes Naruto-kun?"

"Sounds like it to me," the boss said loudly and insensitively. I wanted to smack him. "Of course, it is not what I would do. If it were me, I would simply take what I wanted. Evidently, Sakura-kun is more subtle in her machinations—"

The boss shut his trap rather abruptly because I kicked him hard under the table. He rolled his eyes and poured himself another cup of sake, taking heed of my warning for him to stay the hell out of the situation no matter his fondness for shit-stirring, but also flashing me a warning look that said 'you will pay for that later'. I didn't much care at that moment.

"Hinata," I said, leaning over and taking both her hands in mine. They were small and soft and warm, perfectly suited for such a gentle soul. "As far as I know, Sakura doesn't like Naruto. She has never said anything to me. Now I don't know what's been going on because I haven't been about, but I'm sure it's nothing – and if anything comes up, you'll be the first to know. Honest. You've got to remember that they're friends, and they have been since we were little kids, so they'll probably do stuff together that other people don't. You get my drift?"

A small, shy smile lit Hinata's pretty face and I felt like the lowest of the low. She stood up, smoothing the creases in her kimono, and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Yes, I understand, Sasuke," she said quietly. "And… and you're probably right. I might be overreacting. Maybe she's just being protective of him… like Neji's protective of me."

Then she inclined her head politely, a distinctly Hyuuga habit that had no doubt been bred into her, and said, "Th-thank you for your advice, Sasuke-kun, Orochimaru-sama," before she scurried away to the Hyuuga table.

There followed a prolonged pause during which I could feel the boss's eyes boring into me. I looked up, and sure enough, he was staring at me – his expression a mixture of smugness and amusement.

"Oh Sasuke-kun, we are a villain, aren't we?" he said in a low tone.

"Shut up, will you," I snapped irritably, my guilt still eating away at me. "I didn't want to lie to her."

"My, my, dear Sasuke-kun," the boss replied, raising an eyebrow. "I was not admonishing you! Heavens no. You know I find you extremely attractive when you are being devious."

"I'm not being devious," I muttered. "I just didn't want things to get worse. I'm fed up with drama."

"Then if you don't want things to get worse, you'd best talk to that one," the boss said matter-of-factly, gesturing over his shoulder Sakura, who was still tearing around the dance floor with Naruto, acting like a kid. "If all parties are not involved, it is impossible to effectively police matters to one's satisfaction. You should know this, Sasuke-kun. Have I taught you nothing?"

So it was that, inspired by the boss, I stalked over to my idiot best friends, ended up dragging Sakura from the impromptu dance-circle and over to a quiet corner of the room for a little chat. I intended on speaking to Naruto later, but, I reasoned, I would deal with Sakura first and get it over with. She can be quite feisty when cornered, and I figured that Naruto was probably clueless (and by alerting him to the potential problem he would freak out and do something stupid.) The only advantage in my confronting Sakura was that our years of friendship meant I did not have to be economical with the truth or beat about the bush with her.

"What's up, Sasuke?" she said, still a little breathless from all the dancing as I sat her down and stared at her.

I came right out with it.

"What is going on between you and Naruto?"

Instantly, Sakura's expression became guarded. There was a brief pause. Then she folded her arms and said, "I saw you talking to Hinata. Did she put you up to this?"

"Hinata didn't put me up to anything," I countered, "for she is a thoroughly decent human being and tends towards believing the best in everyone. All she asked me was whether you liked Naruto – because it's so damned obvious with the way you're behaving.

Dammit, I had to lie for you, Sakura!" I hissed. "Do you know how hard it is to lie to Hinata? Do you know how guilty it made me feel? Lying to Hinata is like kicking a puppy. Or smashing a kid's sandcastle. Or telling the invading army about the refugees you have hiding in your attic so they don't line you up against the wall and shoot you—"

"Okay, okay, Sasuke!" she said, irritated. "I get you. Just shut up about it, will you. It's not like she's perfect or anything."

"No, she is not perfect," I reasoned. "But at this moment in time, she is going out with Naruto and you really need to stop actively trying to sabotage their relationship, because it's not fair to—"

"Fair?" Sakura interrupted, her eyes suddenly wide and her tone chilly. "Fair? Don't you dare talk to me about fair. It's not fair she's with him! It's not fair that she stole him from me just when I realised I really did like him! He never liked her before. He never even talked about her.

Dammit, Sasuke, Naruto should be with me!" she said at the last, her words finding release in a strangely strangled cry as though it took all of her strength to utter them. That probably isn't far off the mark. I've never heard her make such a definite statement regarding Naruto before. If only he could have heard her…

"Look," I said in a soothing, diplomatic tone, attempting to placate, "I know you like him, and I know you feel it a terrible injustice and all that jazz, but please… don't do anything stupid, okay? And if you do, you could at least be a bit more subtle about it."

"I can't promise anything, Sasuke," she said with a strange half-smile as she stood up and offered me a hand, helping me up. "You should know yourself. All's fair in love and war. Would you honestly stand back and let Kimimaro get his hands on Orochimaru-sama?"

"Never, never, never in a thousand million years, Sakura – and you know that."

Her strange half-smile turned into one of a small victory, and she said, nudging me, "Well you can't talk then. Now, I'm going back to my table to talk to the girls – and if it makes you happy, I won't dance with Naruto, but I can't guarantee that I won't do anything else. Don't worry, though. Even you won't notice, Sasuke, because I'll be subtle. I'm gonna divide and conquer – hell, I might even take lessons from your boss."

I opened my mouth to inform her that I did not think it the best idea, but she was already dancing away through the crowd, waving to Ino and TenTen. Defeated, and feeling like I had only made things worse by offering her a convenient rationale for her underhand game of seduction, I wound my way through the crowd, intent on returning to my table. On the way, I was waylaid by Kurenai, who insisted I dance with her, then Naruto (who also wanted to dance with me) and Jiraiya, who demanded to know what all the Lion King jokes were about. Having dealt with each of them in turn, including a moody Kakashi who berated me for enlightening a gleeful and merciless Jiraiya, I finally trudged back to the table, weary and grateful at the prospect of a sit down – only to find Kimimaro at my seat right next to the boss!

I swear, I cannot turn my back for a minute and he's attempting to worm his grubby little way into the boss's affection. It's very stressful, and I'm starting to get really damn tired of his crap. I knew he was a threat, because the boss was smiling at him as Kimimaro spoke. The boss cannot resist a pretty face, and Kimimaro had doubtless ensured he took full advantage of that fact. He was bedecked in a white and scarlet kimono and had his hair piled up in an androgynous, tumbling up-do, secured in place with silver pins. There was a koto sitting just behind him on the floor, and I knew then with a sinking feeling that it was his, that he had probably been asked by the Sarutobis to play, that I would have to sit though his more-than-likely flawless, virtuoso performance, pretend to like it and put up with the boss going on about it for ages afterward.

I knew that if I spoke to the boss then and there, I would snap at him and start an argument, so I sat down in a foul mood in the first available vacant seat – close enough so I could keep an eye on him and break it up if it came down to that. Unfortunately, this vacant seat happened to be close to Kurenai's little sister – an irritatingly curious twelve year old, who delighted in bombarding me with a series of awkward questions. No sooner had my arse touched the floor than the little perisher began her merciless onslaught.

Our conversation went something like this.

Kurenai's evil sister (whose name escapes me): "Hey, I know you. You're Uchiha Sasuke!"

Me: "Do I know you?"

Kurenai's evil sister: "I was at the ceremony! Didn't you see me? I'm Kurenai's little sister. Though I suppose you wouldn't have got to speak to me much cos my mum didn't let me have any sake cos she's a total bitch."

Me: "Ah, I see. Pleased to meet you."

Kurenai's evil sister: "Yeah, pleased to meet you too, mister. Hey, can I ask you a question?"

Me: "Of course."

Kurenai's evil sister: "Why did you kiss that guy with the fancy kimono earlier?"

Me: "Well, we're seeing each other. That's why."

Kurenai's evil sister: "Ew, gross. Does that mean you're gay?"

Me: "… no. I like men and women. I'm bisexual."

Kurenai's evil sister: "Oh, okay. But does that still mean you have butt sex? Because my friend told me that all guys who like guys have butt sex."

Me: "What?"

Kurenai's evil sister: "Butt sex. You know. Sex with butts."

Me: "Yes, I know what you mean. Should you really be asking me this?"

Kurenai's evil sister: "Yeah, but do you?"

Me: "For your information, yes, I do. Regularly. And I enjoy it immensely. Though that does not mean that all gay men have sex that way—"

Kurenai's evil sister: "Ha ha! I knew it! You have butt sex with that guy!"

Me: "… so, are you enjoying yourself?"

Kurenai's evil sister: "Yeah. All the grown ups are talking about each other. It's really funny."

Me: "Are they, now? And what have they been saying?"

Kurenai's evil sister: "Well my mum said she feels sorry for you."

Me: "… indeed? Why, pray tell, would that be?"

Kurenai's evil sister: "She says that that guy over there that you're going out with has two of his exes here and that there's no way in hell she'd tolerate it, no matter how much of a big shot he is."

Me: "Oh really?"

Kurenai's evil sister: "Ya really. Then my dad said if only he was so lucky, and my mum laughed and slapped him. So why does he have all his old boyfriends here? Does he not like you?"

Me: "Don't be ridiculous, of course he likes me. We just happen to work in the same place."

Kurenai's evil sister: "Well, he seems pretty interested in that guy over there with the koto…"

At that point, I must confess, I had had as much as I could stand of the snot-nosed little arsehole and her moronic babble, and I turned to face her, mustering up all the cold, snooty Uchiha attitude I could muster and said, "Well, at least I'm not a mistake."

Her gormless, twelve-year old face twisted into an expression of puzzlement.

"Say what?"

With a nasty smile worthy of the boss himself, I reiterated my position. "I said at least I'm not a mistake."

"What d'you mean by that?" she asked, suddenly cautious.

I leaned forward, taking care to summon all the powers of disdain I could muster and enlightened her. "Think about it," I said, matter of factly. "Your parents are Sarutobi's age. Kurenai is in her thirties. You would have been born when your mother and father were already geriatrics and claiming a free bus pass. You cannot possibly believe you were planned. It therefore follows logically that you were an accident. Not wanted. A mistake…"

Her expression twisted again, but this time into one of crashing realisation. My heart soared. I had wounded a twelve year old girl.

"And what's more," I added, while I was on a roll, "well… children are not normally born to couples so advanced in years. It's rather rare. Extremely rare, in fact. So rare that it could almost be deemed unnatural. I guess that makes you a freak as well as a mistake. Apologies."

Oh how the tables turned when I delivered that final, crushing, double-whammy of a blow! Girls are so sensitive at that age. Almost inevitably you might say, tears sprung to her eyes and, with a trembling lip, she stood up and ran from the room.

Now I don't know about you, but I call that a successful day's work. Successful not only in that I achieved a small but relished victory, but it also caused the boss to look up from his conversation and notice me.

"Sasuke-kun!" he admonished, beckoning me over and frowning slightly. "What are you doing over there? Come and sit by me…"

This did not please Kimimaro, for he rolled his eyes and said, "Then I will take my leave of you, Orochimaru-sama. It is my turn to perform next, and I should like to warm up beforehand."

Oh yeah sure, you lying sack of shit. If I hadn't turned up to spoil your little party, you wouldn't have bothered your arse about 'warming up'. Honestly. He's such a serial liar. I refuse to believe the boss cannot see through that passive aggressive nutsack from hell. I refuse.

"I look forward to it as always, Kimimaro-kun," the boss replied courteously.

What he didn't see was the smug look the Freak threw over his shoulder just for me when the boss turned his back.

This brings me to the third letter of the day.

----

Dear Sasuke,

I am a total tool.

I am twat, a turd and a pig. Oink, oink. I am also a hairy, gibbering, dribbling mongoloid and I smell bad. Really bad. Like boiled piss, or a dumpster in July, or like my mother's skid-marked underpants that I like to smell because I fancy her. Ewww.

Speaking of my mother, and my family in general, I am such a tool that even they treated me like crap. They packed me off to boarding school as soon as I was old enough and pretty much abandoned me. Personally, I am not surprised. Even I think I'm shite, and that's saying something, because it takes a lot for me to bring my only two brain cells together to process cogent thought.

Did I mention that I'm thick as pig shit?

Oink, oink.

Anyway, I'm trying to break up this relationship that my boss has going on with his favourite, most clever, talented and handsome employee. I used to go out with him, but I had my chance and blew it. I've changed my mind, but I'm not having much luck. No matter how hard I try, I cannot compete against my colleague. He is so wonderful it makes me weep at night just thinking about it. That, and I'm a fucking moron. I mean I'm only even here because I caught a disease. I totally recovered from it, but I'm milking it for all it's worth, since it's the only weapon I have. Every time I cough, my boss comes over and asks how I am and it pisses the other guy off. Really, the only good thing about me is that I once had a disease. That is how much I suck.

In consequence, I tried stooping to new lows in order to humiliate my rival at this wedding we all had to attend, but I did not account for his awesomeness in my dirty, little scheme. In fact, it backfired tremendously, and as a result, I look like a complete fool.

Please teach me to be as brilliant as you. Otherwise, there's not much point in living.

Yours truly and oinking away like the dirty porker that I am,

The Diseased Freak from Mizugakure.

----

Yes, I know. Restrain your shock and outrage, for Kimimaro did indeed try his hardest to humiliate me in front of over a hundred wedding guests, my friends, prospective in-laws and the boss – and I can only presume he did so because unlike Hinata he does not have a decent bone in his body.

Before the conniving dick-wipe stepped up to entertain us, we had to sit through the speeches delivered by Sarutobi and Kakashi. Sarutobi's was quite touching, for he ended up tearing a little and publicly hugged his youngest son, saying how glad he was to see him settling down and that although they had had their differences, he would always be proud of him.

Kakashi's speech was more in the traditional vein of best man and contained a few anecdotes that, judging from the way Asuma seemed to slide further and further down in his seat, he would rather have remained unsaid. The boss and I had a smirk at the story Kakashi told about the time Asuma had passed out, drunk, at a house party and a nameless perpetrator (I'm thinking Kakashi) had gathered an audience, pulled his pants down, drew all over his arse with a permanent marker and then stuck a half-smoked cigar in his butt-crack as the piece de resistance. The nameless perpetrator then took a photograph as evidence and a hundred copies of that very photograph were passed amongst the wedding guests by Kotetsu and Izumo, who conveniently appeared right on time, grinning and armed with photo-filled cardboard boxes.

Now I think about it, that was damned funny, actually. I'll need to high-five Kakashi for that one later…

But I am straying from my main point – which, dealing with my general wonderfulness, is an extremely important one.

After the speeches and the hugs and tears and well-wishes, Sarutobi rose from his seat and announced to all and sundry that the festivities would begin in earnest.

"The first to perform is a very brave and talented young man who has only recently recovered from a grave illness. I first had the pleasure of meeting him several years ago through Orochimaru, and he performed then for my wife and I, astonishing us with his ability." Smiling, he stepped aside, making a sweeping gesture towards the stage and said simply, "I give you Kaguya Kimimaro…"

All around us, the lights dimmed, fading into darkness. The only light was a single spotlight trained upon the centre of the stage. The assembled guests clapped politely as Kimimaro appeared on stage in his red and white patterned kimono. I, however, not clap, being unable to bring myself to even feign courtesy.

There was an expectant hush as Kimimaro settled himself, kneeling in front of the instrument, picking a few strings to test the tuning. Satisfied, he smiled and reached for the microphone in front of him, fixed to a stand, and pulled it towards him. He spoke with characteristic feigned modesty.

"Sarutobi does me too much honour," he said in his low, cultured tones, inclining his head, "but I am grateful to be here, and grateful to have the opportunity to perform for you on this most auspicious occasion. Due to my long illness, I have not performed for some time. Thus, I am rather out of practice and I apologise for any lack of skill you may perceive. Tonight, I have in mind a piece first taught to me by my great teacher, Sawai-sensei. It was composed by her late husband, Sawai Tadao, and is called Sanka."

As soon as he began to play, I knew for a fact he must have practiced like a madman on the piece, because (and I deeply grudge this praise) it was excellent. He played like a pro, his fingers flying so quickly over the strings and with such grace it seemed as though a dance. He must have had formal training since childhood at that posh boarding school he went to in Mizugakure. The piece itself was complex and mesmerising, so much so that I almost found myself caught up in it, forgetting that the person I hate most in the world was the one playing it. The boss was definitely caught up in it, for I took the chance to steal a glance at him, wanting to note his reaction. He was gazing, unseeing, towards the stage, his fingers gracing his lips, smiling slightly. Kimimaro's performance obviously met his approval.

The rage was bubbling inside me, but I could do nothing about it. I was positioned at the family table, in full view of all the other guests, and thus was obliged to be on my best behaviour. So I smiled and watched and tolerated, but I was seething inside. Even though the whole room erupted in applause as the sound of the final note echoed mournfully throughout the room, the end of the piece couldn't have come soon enough for me. Kimimaro rose with studied grace and bowed deeply. A few seats along, I heard Kurenai's father murmur, "Prodigious talent. Wonderful. Quite wonderful…" and my fists clenched so hard I thought I would open them to find my palms covered in blood.

It was torture.

It was also during the tumultuous applause that Kimimaro decided he would try his luck at humiliating me. Leaning over his koto to grab the mic once again as the applause died down to a few scattered claps here and there, he opened with a few cursory thank-yous before moving swiftly onto the main item on his agenda.

"I do thank you. It makes me happy to know that my skill, perhaps, has returned to me. It also makes me happy that you appreciate my playing so, and Sakai-san's beautiful piece. My audience clearly possesses impeccable taste and judgement when it comes to beautiful music—" he said smoothly, with a slight smile on his fat, ugly face. He paused ever-so-briefly for effect, and I swear he turned and looked directly at me as he said this, "— with perhaps one exception."

He began to sing the chorus of Take On Me.

Up until then, I must confess I had not really given thought to how many people had viewed that YouTube video of me making a fool of myself in a bar in Amegakure, but from the laughter that erupted in the room, I had gravely underestimated the numbers.

Everyone turned round to look at me, and I swear I was ready to murder. All I could see in my slowly reddening field of vision was Kimimaro, standing on the stage in the spotlight, singing and smirking all over his face. I wanted to take his koto and do terrible things to him. Garrotting him with the strings. Snapping the ends off and shoving them up his massive arse. Picking the damned thing up and smashing it repeatedly over his head until his thick skull caved in. Those were salient among the dark thoughts that rushed through my mind in that horrible moment. I also considered forsaking entirely the koto in lieu of simply wrenching open his ribcage with my bare hands and extracting his still-beating heart before consuming it raw, howling and foaming at the mouth like a madman, before a hundred-strong audience. It really was a viable option at that point, but I did not relish the thought of eating something raw. The last time I ate steak tartare I was stuck to the john for two days, and that would've been too much like a revenge from beyond the grave if I had gone ahead with it.

The Freak knew exactly what he was doing. And the worst part of it was that I could do nothing about it.

That's why it came as such a shock when he unwittingly offered me a lifeline.

Kimimaro probably viewed it as the final nail in the coffin, but just as I had seriously underestimated the number of people who had seen the YouTube video, Kimimaro had seriously underestimated my awesomeness and my ability to please a crowd.

Laughing his irritating, smug git laugh, he addressed me directly and shouted, "Uchiha-san! The time has come to redeem yourself. Why don't you come up here and show everyone what you can do?"

That was a direct challenge, and everyone knows that Uchiha do not back down from such challenges. I have always known very well that my brother possesses a terrifying propensity for competitiveness and have always seen myself as somewhat more laid-back. That was until Kimimaro called me out on stage in front of a room full of people. I swear I don't know where it came from. Single-minded, I rose from my seat (which prompted a great cheer from the wedding guests) rolled up my sleeves (I actually rolled up my sleeves – that was how much I meant business) and strode towards the stage. Sitting at the right hand side was a group of hired musicians who were due to perform next. One of them, I noticed, was carrying a tsugaru shamisen.

Perfect.

Politely, I asked if I could borrow it for a moment in order to school my most hated enemy in the ways of awesome. The musician laughed and told me to knock myself out. So with the shamisen in hand, I hopped up onto the stage and beamed at the crowd, holding it aloft like a trophy. I could hear Naruto and Sakura whooping and hollering and I waved at them, playing up my friendlier side. I can tell you right now, Kimimaro's face was a picture. He did not expect me to appear on stage with a shamisen and he did not like it one bit. Since he had afforded me no courtesy, I treated him similarly, and snatched the mic from his hands.

"Thank you, Kaguya-san, for such a wonderful introduction," I said, turning on the charm as all eyes were on me. "And thank you, too, for the opportunity for me to, in your words, redeem myself. I have decided to take it up, since what better way to show my nearest and dearest and the glitterati of Konoha that not only can I sing surpassingly well, but that I can also proficient in an instrument!"

The audience laughed at my ironically arrogant quip, and I knew then that I had them.

"Some of you may know my brother, Itachi. Some of you may also know that my parents died young in an accident, and that therefore our education was a matter for the state. As part of our education, Itachi and I were obliged to learn an instrument. My brother is perfectionist, and decided that he wished to learn three instruments at once, and thus became gifted in the shakuhachi, the piano and the violin. I contented myself with the tsugaru-shamisen.

Unlike Kaguya-san, I did not have a famous teacher to guide my fingers. Unlike my brother, I was not possessed of an excessively perfectionist nature. I practised obediently as a child, turned up for my lessons, sat my exams, passed them and developed more of a casual love for my instrument. I love it because it's fun to play and it's lively and it requires a bit of soul as well as technique.

Now, I don't know if this'll work out, so forgive me if I make a lot of mistakes because I'm going to play something most of you here will probably know – since you're possessed of such good taste."

The last part was a dig at the Kaguya Freak. I winked at him as I said it so that he was left in no doubt as to my meaning. He rolled his eyes and swept off stage behind the screen. That was fine by me. It left the floor clear and no one else could absorb or spoil my brilliance by getting in the way.

I smiled my most winning media smile that I learned from the boss, removed my tuxedo jacket, grabbed a stool from the corner of the stage, sat down on it and began to play tsugaru-jonkarabushi - the only halfway decent classical song in terms of liveliness and impressiveness that I know how to play. I lied through my teeth when I said I had sat all my exams. Itachi sat all his music exams and passed each one with distinction, whereas I sat a couple here and there, passed them all but never achieved such a high standard. I always crack out tsugaru-jonkarabushi whenever I find myself forced to play because people like it and, more importantly, it impresses them and makes them think I am better at the shamisen than I really am.

This time round was no exception. I hammed it up, really I did. I hit the strings with the bachi like a nut-case and I even got carried away and improvised a little pause in the middle in which I stamped my feet and clapped my hands to the rhythm (which earned me a huge cheer). The best part, though, which came to me in a moment of serendipity for which I shall be forever grateful, was when I came to the end of the piece and turned the last note of my classical piece into the first note of Aha's Take on Me. Through this, it was made evident to the audience that I was laughing along with the joke, could take a joke, and was also willing to laugh at myself. It proved a winner because, I swear to god, the whole room exploded with laughter and enthusiasm. Before long, everyone was singing along with my strange, impromptu shamisen rendition of Aha's Take On Me, and by the end, everyone was on their feet, shouting for more.

I knew I had to end it there, though, for the other musicians were waiting to come on, and it would have looked bad if I'd hogged the stage. Grinning from ear to ear, I relinquished the shamisen and accessories to the musician and jumped down from the stage. When I returned to the table, I found the boss gazing at me, starry-eyed.

"You play the tsugaru-shamisen," he said somewhat absently, staring up at me from the floor.

"I do," I said, still grinning.

"You never told me," he said, pouting.

"You never asked," I retorted, my grin turning into a wicked smile as the boss stood up, grabbed my arm and dragged me along to the bedroom. He unearthed a shamisen from somewhere in the house (I think he said it was Asuma's old practice one) and forced me to play my one piece again before he pounced and subjected me to a thorough molesting. Despite the rather bad beginning, I think I might have just won that one.

Therefore, the scores currently stand as follows:

Sasuke - 1.

Retarded Oinker from Mizugakure – 0.

Honestly, though, if I had known the boss had such a liking for the shamisen, I would have used it as ammo ages ago.

Oh well. I'd better pop along to the pavilion and show my face. Don't want anyone to think I'm being anti-social – after all, I have just spent a couple of hours in the bedroom with the boss.

LATER:

I have just had the most curious conversation with the boss. It is very late and I am awfully tired (the boss is lying next to me, already asleep) so I don't want to be too long, but I have to write this down. It has the potential to be quite momentous.

As planned, the boss and I changed back into our clothing and headed along to the pavilion where the party was still going on (to my relief, the boss decided not to wear his complicated twelve layer ensemble of strife and opted for his trusty creamy white kimono.) All the old Konoha lot were there, laughing and chatting and doing stupid things under the influence of alcohol, I got chatting with Naruto, Sakura and Kakashi and it felt like old times again. It was strange, but halfway through the night, I suddenly felt a pang of homesickness and I found myself not wanting to leave. I realised that I do miss my friends, I miss having them around and I miss my old town. That was not a convenient revelation to experience during the middle of a party and it brought down my mood. Since I did not want to spoil anyone else's night, I unobtrusively retreated to the outer edge of the pavilion where the winter's chill could be felt and I watched snow fall upon the surface of the garden lake.

It was not long before the boss noticed and sat down beside me.

"What is wrong, Sasuke-kun?" he whispered in my ear, punctuating his request with a kiss on my cheek.

"Nothing you need trouble yourself with," I replied, smiling, not wanting to spoil his fun because I knew he would want to hear all of it if I even so much as hinted at the truth.

To my surprise he abruptly stood up. Laying a hand upon my shoulder, he murmured, "Wait here. Do not move from this spot. I shall be back momentarily."

Wondering what the hell he was up to, I waited, despite the fact that my nose was getting cold and I had to stamp my feet to keep my toes from freezing. Ten minutes later, he appeared with two rolls of duvets, our winter coats and a drawstring bag crammed with various, angular bits and pieces. Smiling in a rather mysterious way, his eyes glittering with repressed excitement, he held out his hand.

"Come, Sasuke-kun," he said, as I took his hand and he led me down the pavilion steps. "I have something to show you."

Snow began to fall as we walked across the garden. It was pretty in an odd, desolate way, with snow and icicles hanging from the trees and the lake appearing a dark, forbidding shadow in the frozen ground. There was a little red bridge hung with lanterns blowing gently in the chilly breeze, and I followed the boss as he crossed it, leading us away from the hubbub of the Sarutobis' beautiful house and down a narrow path which went up further into the hills. It was pitch-black and cold and deathly silent, but still we walked until the boss ground to a halt beside me and said, "Here."

I had not noticed it, but there was a dirt path leading between a thick copse of trees. As it was very, very dark in there, I voiced my doubts and enquired as to whether the boss really knew where he was going. He got a bit snippy with me at that point and informed me that he knew the place like the back of his hand, and he grabbed my arm again and propelled me forward.

"It's through here, Sasuke-kun. Don't be difficult…"

I was so glad he forced me along that dark and scary forest path, for at the end of it I was greeted by the sight of a secret pavilion, away from the main building, with its own little garden and pond. It was further up the hill and through the clearing you had a great view of the Sarutobi home and of Konoha itself, which appeared a great sea of glittering lights on the horizon. It was beautiful, and I said so. The boss smiled, agreed with me, and told me he used to come up here all the time as a teenager whenever he had a need for solitude.

This pavilion was not open to the air like the other ones, and the boss had to open the doors with the keys he had borrowed from Sarutobi. It was cold and dark inside, but the boss had brought matches to light the oil lamps and the fire, so that was soon dealt with. He also found a cupboard in which were many oversized cushions, which we piled in the middle of the floor to use as a bed. It was lovely. I said my only regret was that you couldn't enjoy the fabulous view outside because the pavilion was enclosed, at which point the boss pulled back the shutters, revealing floor to ceiling windows, and I kissed him.

It was a long kiss, one I think I shall remember for a long time to come. Not because it was technically proficient, or it led to anything, or anything of the sort. It was more because I really felt that kiss. It was spontaneous as all hell – but I felt it – and I think the boss did too. When he pulled back for air, he reached up, placing both his hands on my face, tilting it upward. He regarded me for a long moment with that strange expression I never know how to read and then he said, quite randomly and without warning, "I do not believe in marriage, Sasuke-kun."

"What?" I said, a little bemused by what I viewed as a change in tack.

"I do not believe in marriage," he repeated. "Do you know why?"

I knew the answer to this one.

"Because you feel it shows more loyalty to remain with someone out of choice than being forced by law."

The boss's eyebrows shot up in surprise and I almost laughed.

"How did you know that?" he asked, eyeing me with suspicion.

"Asuma told me the other night," I replied, grinning slyly, releasing him from his paranoia. "He was using your unconventional views as an excuse to freak out over the prospect of marrying Kurenai."

The boss shook his head, and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me against him. "It appears Asuma has a big mouth," he muttered darkly.

"This coming from the man who can fit thirty-five grapes in his at once," I retorted in a cheeky manner which earned me a further kissing from the boss.

Almost inevitably, you might say, we moved across to the pile of cushions in the middle of the floor and continued our kissing with a view to progression to second base and a subsequent home run. You might be interested to know that I do not 'do' third base (this is not for the lack of the boss whining at me and asking me to, though, which irritates me immensely and only decreases his chance of ever going there with me). And while we were stepping up to the bat, as it were, the boss murmured in my ear, so quiet it was but on the cusp of audibility, "I meant every word of it, Sasuke-kun."

At the time, I didn't think anything of it because he was taking off my pants and I could see all the tiny lights of Konoha and was struck by a sudden, yet swiftly fading bout of paranoia at the thought that some weirdo somewhere might have a telescope. But now I've had time to consider it, I feel it might mean something. Maybe. If I look very hard. And squint.

I think it might mean that maybe the boss really does like me.

Despite the cold, I am feeling strangely warm and fuzzy inside. The boss is lying next to me, monopolising the use of the greater part of the duvets, as per usual. He's not flailing, which is a good sign, as it means he's not stressed about anything.

Does that mean I've won?

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AN: I'm starting to get back into the Shippuuden anime and I've loved the latest episodes. I think I'm beginning to like Hidan quite a lot as a character. He's batshit mental. XD It also helps that the team behind the anime have finally seemed to realise that Naruto has a lot of potential to be something really special and they're taking it and running with it. I love it. Keep it up, Shippuuden team! :)

Also, I was quite surprised by some of your reactions to the Kimi interlude. I had to do it, though, because in the middle of writing this chapter I suddenly realised, 'Wait, there is no threat here. Sasuke has only told people there is a threat, but it's not convincing enough because no one else can feel it.' Basically, I needed you to feel convinced by the threat of Kimimaro, and maybe I overdid it in the end... XD

So, I'm going to shut up now and get on with what's important. The thank yous!

NaruGuru (Oh your reaction to Kimi is the same as mine. I feel very sorry for him. No one deserves to be so hung up on someone who doesn't love you back. But the jealousy is destructive and he's only going to cause trauma. I wonder how you'll feel about this chapter with the Sakura/Naru/Hina strife. At least Sakura's being proactive about the situation, though, and has ceased her bitching, so she is in with a chance, definitely!)

NayanRoo (Man, I'm sorry my need to make you 'feel the threat' caused you such much strife. But then, I kind of understand it because you put your readers through hell and back in Shadowplay all the time! I mean there's the whole 'Madara, stay the hell away from Oro and Sauce - you shall not make Sauce cry by hurting Oro' and the 'U TOUCH HINATA AND I'LL SMASH.' I'm rather behind in catching up with all the Shadowplay goodness, so tomorrow night after my meeting with my supervisor, guess what I'll be doing?)

Sehpi (I totally understand your preference for my Sasuke compared to canon Sasuke. My Sauce reflects the bare bones of canon - and when I say bare bones, I really mean it. XD There's the arrogance and the Uchiha pride, competitiveness, and the emo-kid elements, but this Sasuke is more given to feeling and occasional bouts of random niceness and human frailty. Human frailty is definitely a quality canon Sasuke lacks, but that's just Kishi building him up as a foil for Naruto, so I sort of understand it.)

foreverloved (Hello again! Nice to see you on the review boards. Lol, chapter 34 gave you chills? Damn, maybe I did overdo it a bit. XD See, I'm quite strange in that my favourite genres to write are pretty much lightyears away on the genre scale. I go from humour to horror with a bit of angst floating somewhere in the middle ground, so I guess that was my other side coming through a bit with Kimi. I cannot say whether Oro and the Sauce will make it unscathed, but I definitely have everything planned. I have it sitting next to me, actually.)

LunaLunak (Oh your review did make me lol. It also made me feel incredibly guilty, because I was all like 'Whoa, this chapter has caused Luna Lunak no end of brief, but deep-seated emotional trauma.' I mean, I did need to make you feel the Kimi threat, but I'm thinking that maybe I did overdo it a bit. I write horror and angst one-shots on the side, so I'm used to writing unstable people. You totally caught on to everything as regards the chapter, though. Kimi doesn't realise Sasuke had to give Oro his permission to visit (though I think Oro would have done it anyway) but he's very aware of the power Sasuke exerts over Oro. It'll should be interesting to see how you guys react to the coming chapters.)

YoungSasuke (Thanks for the nice comment on my style. I worry about the style of this fic, sometimes, because Sasuke's voice is so formal I sort of thing sometimes 'Is that too formal?' but it's nice to know it's working. :) As for Kimi, well, I'm thinking it's a funny mixture of both. He knows very well what his meddling will do and I don't think he cares about the fallout as long as he ends up with Orochimaru. Although I think he seriously underestimates how much Oro likes Sasuke and how intense the fallout might be if he breaks them apart. Heavy stuff, lol.)

Cyaniona (Yay, hello again! I kind of like talking to my reviewers so it's good that you're still here. You hit the nail on the head as to why I had to show you Kimi's POV during the interludey thing (I don't know the technical term for it either, lol). The threat had to be real, or you wouldn't have been convinced by Sasuke's time-skip recap telling you that Kimi is a threat. I don't think you should be lulled into a false sense of security after this chapter, because you know how persistent Kimi is. If anything, the stakes have been raised, but Sasuke is definitely up to the competition. We'll see how it goes.)

Ladyrouge214 (A new reviewer? Yay! Yes, Kimimaro plotting is a very dangerous thing, and god knows he's had a lot of time to think about it, having been stuck to a hospital bed for the best part of five months. Hope you liked this chapter, and that the Kimi plotting part makes sense.)

Violet (Hello again! Your review made me lol quite hard. Having Kimi die would have been the easy way out, but I love a good bit of drama (trans: I love torturing Oro and the Sauce) and if Kimi had kicked the bucket, then there wouldn't have been nearly as much. Up until now, they've had it comparatively easy. This is a real test of their relationship. If they get through this, they can get through anything. It remains to be seen whether they will or not. I am saying nothing. ;-) )

Chromde (Thanks for the chapter approval. I was a bit worried about it, since including it was purely for a functional reason (even if I had a ball writing it - I love writing weirdos) but it seems to have gone done... relatively well (if by well I mean having people going "NOES WTF KIMI!!1 D:" and being terrified as to what's coming next.) I'm guessing I can count you in the NOES!!1 D: camp? XD Or, more accuratley, the RAWR :( camp. The koto is a type of stringed instrument. I'm glad I mentioned it last chapter, because I've just realised the end of this one is a crash course in traditional Japanese instruments. You can find koto examples on YouTube (though the first time I looked for one, I found this awesomely catchy and incredibly cheesy 80s Italian space-synth song about Jabba the Hut from Star Wars. It was a wtf moment, but I loved it.)

chibibaka1 (I am beginning to fear your powers of observation, because your point about Kimi sketching the freaky Goya painting is something I had not thought of but fits the bill perfectly. He fears Sasuke suceeding him, and wants to destroy him at all costs, but the question is whether or not Sasuke is Jupiter. If he is not, Kimimaro will destroy him. If he is, Kimimaro will find his downfall in Sasuke. Man, what a great comment. Never even thought of that myself. My initial reason for including it was because Kimi was in a less than stable frame of mind and Goya's Black Paintings are pretty reflective of the darkness of the human soul. I could have gone for Hieronymus Bosch, but maybe not for a sketch, lol.)

Nozomi-sama (I blush a deep and furious red. Thanks so much for the nice comments. I haven't written proper angst in a while, and all of a sudden, chapter 34 appeared and a rather angsty one-shot. I used to write a lot of angst for other fandoms. Maybe I'm getting my angsty-mojo back? Yay! Oh, and I also like writing horror, which kind of helps with the whole slightly disturbed Kimi thing. XD Humour and horror. What a combination! It's funny, though, because even though I know Kimi is going to try his hardest to break up Oro and the Sauce, even I feel for him. I guess that came through in the last chapter. He has been through shitloads, and I think everyone seems to forget that the only reason Kimi is so fucked up about Oro is because of the way Oro encouraged his submissive behaviour and was quite content to let Kimi flatter him and put him on a pedestal. Bad Oro!)

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Thanks again, guys! See you next chapter. :)