The Sound of Music Chronicles
Part II
Interlude
Chapter 04
Wondrous innocence
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A/N: Thank you for your reviews, I wish I could have updated this sooner, but it was impossible. Have fun!
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"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."
Aristotle
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"Innocence is like polished armor; it adorns and defends"
Robert South
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"The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane."
Phaedrus
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"She will be here at ten," Captain von Trapp thought, fingers tapping incessantly against his desk.
He was now fully composed, feeling himself again after one hour of riding through the countryside with his eldest son. He smiled – actually, he was very much impressed with the boy, not to mention proud as every father had the right to be. They rode in a fast gallop, and the boy had kept up with him without the slightest hint of fear or hesitation.
Inviting Friedrich had been an impulsive decision of his, but one he had not regretted. At first he had planned to ride alone that morning, as he usually did, especially after those pathetic dreams that had plagued him during the night and that were the cause of his restless mood. He changed his mind as soon as he spotted his son skipping stones by the lake, looking utterly miserable wearing that ridiculous flowery outfit the governess had made with the old curtains from her bedroom. He called out to him, and to his utter chagrin, Friedrich reacted as if he had been caught doing something wrong – his eyes widened, he blushed profusely.
Georg cursed inwardly, asking himself when the hell he had turned into his own father. Well, a few weeks ago his son would have a reason to fear what would happen next. He would have caught Friedrich in the middle of a transgression: wearing improper clothes, playing while he should be still in bed, or, at least, getting ready for breakfast. He would have sent him up to his bedroom for the rest of the day as a punishment. As horrible as it sounded, that was a fine example of what the full extent of his relationship with his son was like. He did not have the heart to act like that that today, not anymore.
Silently, he watched Friedrich for a moment, trying to adjust the mental picture of the eleven year boy he was when his mother died to the image he now saw before him. The realization that it was a mental process that he was now used to doing whenever he looked at each of his children disturbed him. He could not deny it. It seemed like the images of all seven of them were frozen in his mind the day their mother had died, and for the past years he had perhaps looked at them, but had not seen them at all. All of a sudden, every time he gazed at them, he had to make that quick adjustment. He did not need to be reminded of when that started to happen.
Take his eldest son, for instance. He was now a lad of fourteen, he would be fifteen next fall. It was easy to guess that by the time he reached that age. He was growing fast; he would soon be taller than Liesl, perhaps as tall as his father. Grimly, he remembered how his body was going through hell at that age, and with that he realized a few other things as well: when Georg was Friedrich´s age, he was, like his son, a good rider. On the other hand, he already had his heart broken by the first girl he had ever kissed; when he was only two years older than his son when he´d already had his first woman. Looking at Friedrich, he thought of him too terribly young and immature to go through any of those experiences, even in two or three years. When Georg was that age, he was already years ahead of his son in terms of life experiences. He had been practically brought up in strict boarding schools since the tender age of seven, but at age fourteen, he was admitted to the Naval Academy in Fiume, and after that, he was almost completely independent. Unlike Friedrich, he was not practically forced to grow up almost in semi-reclusion in the Austrian countryside.
Georg began to realize how much his past attitudes, which had only the selfish goal to shield himself against the pain of his grief, would potentially affect his son´s future, and the future of his other children. What kind of emotional scars had he unwillingly inflicted upon them? Only time would tell. Meanwhile, he had to also to consider something else: How could he demand them to be model citizens, patriots who would make Austria proud, if he did not allow them to grow up?
Most importantly – how could a governess living in seclusion herself was able to realize all that when he was not?
There was so much about his children he did not know, things that every father knew but that he remained chosen to remain ignorant of. There were so many things he wanted to ask his sons and daughters… What were their likes and dislikes, what were their dreams… Some damage had already been done, he hardly had a doubt about that, and the question was what he could possibly do to fix things.
"There's still time, Captain. They want so much to be close to you," she had said only the day before, and he heard the words as clearly as if she had whispered them in his year. He wanted to believe them, he wanted to have her unshakable faith that everything would turn out just fine.
"I hope you are right about this, Fräulein," he thought. "I hope there is still time to undo each and every one of my mistakes. Because if you are wrong, I am not sure how I will be able to live with the consequences… although I am also quite sure you will find a way to tell me," he chuckled.
"Friedrich," he called out. "Let us go for a ride."
The boy´s face lit up, fear and apprehension turning into surprise. But he never waited for a second invitation.
And then, as they were ready to leave, he casually raised his eyes to the windows that belonged to the governess bedroom. He never knew what brought him to do that. His early morning ride was an unbreakable routine of his, whenever he was in Aigen. On the way to the path he usually took, the one that led to the woods bordering his property, he passed by the servants quarters, but never before he had felt the slightest glimmer of curiosity to look up to the window of the governess room. Why on earth would he ever consider doing that?
His breath caught when he saw her, leaning out, her eyes closed, breathing the morning air. The expression in her face was the closest thing to pure bliss he had seen in a very long time. Perhaps something he had never seen…. From the distance, he could tell that her lips moved slightly, as if uttering a morning prayer.
"How on earth can someone remain so… untouched in a world that is so… corrupt?" he wondered, mesmerized. For the second time, he asked, "What is your secret, Fräulein? It is your faith in God or is it just… you?"
Friedrich saw her too at that moment and broke the spell. Before he could tell his son to leave the little Fräulein alone in order not to disturb her private moment, he was already waving and calling her name, betraying none of his excitement for being worthy of the attentions of a father again.
The governess reacted as he expected she would, with an equally enthusiastic greeting. She only did not shout as he expected she would, perhaps because she was still more than a little wary of him.
"Well, at least I still have her respect," he thought, but somehow the idea of her fearing his authority no longer appealed to him as he expected it would.
Their eyes met – no, clashed would be a more appropriate description, as they surprised each other in a moment when they were most unguarded.
"Damn!" he muttered irritably, not sure he believed what he saw and felt... He was not sure if he was angry at himself or at the blasted governess, not sure he liked what he saw and felt, not sure if he wanted to become aware of what he saw and felt ever again. The lingering feelings of the dream returned with full force and he immediately repressed them, using ever shred of self control he possessed.
Fortunately, the feeling was mutual, though he didn´t know what to think of it: the broad smile died on her lips; her whole stance froze. She took a small step back.
His son had heard his expletive.
"Father?"
"Mmm?"
"Are you mad at her again?"
"Fräulein Maria?" He said, knowing that was the answer to his son´s question. Unnecessary words, he did not have to say them at all. It was just a name. Her name.
"A governess name!" his mind vehemently protested, shaking his head.
"No, I´m not mad at her or anyone this morning, Friedrich. Actually, I´m in an exceptionally good mood," he said, although his son looked like he did not believe a word of it. "It´s nothing. We should go now – you don´t wish your father to be late for breakfast, do you?"
His son laughed. He looked up to the window again. She was still there, still looking at him with that absurd fascination in her eyes. He, on the other hand, had recovered himself completely.
"This is utterly ridiculous. As you just reminded yourself she is just a governess, for pity´s sake! She is – insignificant. Yes, that is what she is. Insignificant," he thought, deluding himself that he had been convinced by his own mental arguments. His face hardened into the usual aristocratic mask. The startling feelings that still lingered were strongly repressed and buried deeply into the recesses of his mind where they belonged, his disciplined brain immediately focused on the task at hand: his son.
Now, scarcely two hours later, the governess was about to cross the door to his study… No, he did not want to think about the wondrous innocence in her eyes when she looked at him anymore, he must steer his mind to practical matters. The storm had passed, and there was no reason why his ship should not continue running smoothly, although through different waters. Uncharted waters, perhaps.
He considered the upcoming facts and their logical consequences. The main one was that, precisely at ten, he was supposed to discuss the upbringing of his sons and daughters with her - twelfth governess. The black sheep of Nonnberg Abbey. Considering the latest events, it was inevitable that there would be a new set of rules she would be informed of, about how to conduct the children´s education from now on. Changes – as much as he hated them – would be inevitable.
The problem was that he had absolutely no idea, no clue at all, about what the new rules would be. He planned to figure out everything while riding this morning, but Friedrich had spoiled his plans – and the governess too, to a certain extent. He was now at a loss, something that he was not used to. All because of a governess. An insignificant little governess.
Insignificant?
Hardly, although he hated to admit that, at least for the moment. Oh yes, the governess was a real thorn in his side that morning. He could not avoid thinking about her, although now he knew it would be wise to direct such thoughts only towards things related to the children and nothing else.
He had already spent half of the night awake considering the problem of the new household rules, and frankly there had been times when he had considered the absurd possibility that, as far as Fräulein Maria was concerned, there should be no rules at all.
What for?
She would simply ignore them whenever she felt like it. At times he believed that underneath her wimple and her dowdy dresses lived the soul of an anarchist at heart! On the other hand, he could not – correction, he would not – simply give her free reign and allow her to do as she pleased just because she was what she was. The result, he feared, would be just as disastrous as his now old, strict methods.
No, there should be a way to compromise. There must be a way, because not compromising would be impossible. If there was anything about the whole situation that remained unchanged since the day he had left for Vienna weeks before was that, though for entirely different reasons, he was still… stuck with the unlikely, not-so-insignificant, governess.
He needed more time to think, to strategize, to figure out what the best course of action would be. Unfortunately, he had less than one hour to do that before she barged into his study, in all likelihood making a spectacle of the simple action of knocking on a door and opening it.
He punched his desk.
"Why is it that every little thing about her must be so damned complicated?" he grumbled.
Why couldn´t all be straightforward as it always had been between the previous governesses he hired, or with any other servant he ever employed in his household?
He issued an order, they obeyed without question. It was all so magnificently simple! Actually, he considered himself ahead of his own time because in comparison with his peers because whenever it became evident that his subordinates disagreed with his decision, he always made clear that he wanted to hear about their motives, regardless of the fact that he rarely changed his mind. As a self appointed modern aristocrat he had always abhorred the blind obedience, the general peasant-and-master routine that comprised life for a man of his station.
But even all that she had turn upside down, hadn´t she?
There was no way he would be get out of that first confrontation with her. He had given her his word. More than just his word, he had given her a direct order:
"Be in my study tomorrow morning at ten…"
Postponing the meeting would be unthinkable, unless he had a very good reason for it. At least a very good excuse, he smirked.
There was a knock at the door.
"Already?" he wondered. Glancing at the clock, he saw that, if it was indeed the governess, then she was twenty six minutes early. He shrugged. "Oh well, if she makes it a habit to be inexcusably late for everything, then the opposite might also be true. She can be inexcusably early as well. Why can´t she ever do exactly what she´s been told to do?"
"Come in, Fräulein" he said, keeping his voice stern.
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