A Day in the Life

by Ada Kensington

Uchiha Sasuke keeps a diary during his employment at Otogakure Enterprises. A great, big bucket of moreish crack.

40. Chapter 40

A Day in the Life

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AN: I'm fretting about this chapter. I really am. I hope I managed to do it justice.

Oh god... ohgodohgodohgod...

-fretfretfret-

---

December 23rd

For the past two months, I have been semi-secretly living in Konoha, in my brother's front room, in hoodies and sweatpants. Since Itachi prefers to keep his home in near regimental order, I have decided to kill two birds with one stone by becoming his live-in "house-brother". This has enabled me to accomplish two things: one, I now feel less like a freeloading, scrounging screw up, and two, I have managed to peel myself off the couch and stop moping. And I was moping – big style.

I've stopped answering calls, texts and emails because the night after I came here I got an angry phone call from Sakura. I don't really want to go into it, but she basically said she never wanted to speak to me again because I ruined her chances with Naruto. I was, apparently, the worst "so-called" friend ever, and she wondered why she ever fell for an "arrogant, selfish scumbag like me." Already emotionally battered, I didn't have the strength to explain myself, or argue back, so I took her verbal beating in a stunned sort of silence, and by the time she slammed the phone down on me... well... it pretty much finished me.

I did not take it very well.

Itachi came home from work to find me curled up in a ball of misery on his couch. He tried his best to console me, but to no avail. He instead laid a blanket over me and told me to take as much time as I needed.

After a solid week or so of wallowing in self-pity and remembering all the awful things I have said or done to everyone I have ever met in my life and discovering what a terrible bastard I am, I decided that maybe I could make myself feel a little better by making reparations to some of those affected by my actions. Karin, obviously, was high on my list, and the one I most wanted to apologise to.

The next day, having worked up the courage, I called Karin and told her everything that had happened and how sorry I was. I cannot tell you how much of a relief it was to finally be able to do this after months of sleepless nights thinking about it. To my astonishment – and I did not deserve this – she forgave me outright, and said that, actually, things had turned out oddly well. Apparently, the boss had turned up at the South Base unannounced the day before on pretence of a routine inspection. She was so scared, she said, that she couldn't even speak to him properly. Then Karin told me how he had drawn her aside, sat her down and sort of apologised without apologising (as is the boss's way) by making her the General Manager of the South Base. I was stunned into silence by this news. Karin at the other end of the phone, clearly realised this as she laughed and said, "Sasuke? Sasuke? Are you there? Hello?"

"Yeah... yeah, I'm still here," I said absently. "You've just broken my mind, that's all. But seriously, how in the hell?"

With enthusiasm, Karin explained. It was a far cry from the last time I'd seen and heard her. In her time at the South Base, she appeared to have clawed some of her confidence back. I envied her.

"The boss basically said that I had to forget about what happened back at the North Base, and that as far as he was concerned, I was one of his most valuable employees and he didn't want to lose me to a rival company."

"You're kidding?"

"Nope! And then he said that since I'd been doing so well for myself here and that because the South Base didn't really have a proper manager, he was going to create the post and give me a pay rise!"

"That... that's awesome, Karin!"

"I know, isn't it? Now I can go home for Christmas to my alcoholic family and really mean it when I say things are going well!"

Despite the twinge of jealousy, I laughed. Then she laughed, and conversation turned light and frothy to Christmas arrangements before we said cheerful goodbyes, with promises to call one another more regularly now that the contact embargo had been officially (yet unofficially) lifted. I couldn't believe my luck. I thought she would never have wanted to speak to me again.

I must say, I needed that phone call. It reminded me that I do, in fact, still have friends in the world, and that the boss is not the only thing waiting for me when I return to Otogakure. Kabuto emailed me the very evening it all kicked off, wanting to know what on earth had happened because he went back to the house after a productive day at the labs to find that everyone had disappeared except the boss – and he couldn't get a word out of him, as he was lying in bed with the lights out in a catatonic state of despair. I wrote him a rather long and detailed reply. He was sympathetic (after his manner, at least) and said that he wished the boss hadn't decided to ruin everyone's lives in pursuit of me, since now he had no one to play World of Warcraft with. Ah, Kabuto. The typical scientist. He manages to be both sympathetic and self-absorbed at the same time.

Suigetsu, Amachi and Gen'yumaru are also still talking to me. They must have had their suspicions that something was wrong when I hadn't shown at work for a week. I received carefully worded emails from each of them, asking how and I was and what I was up to. I told them, but didn't give them the whole story – just that the boss and I had been having problems. All three of them wrote back saying that, after the Karin debacle, they'd pretty much guessed that we were going through a rocky patch, but that they had no idea how bad it was. The boss, they said, hadn't come into work for a week, and when he finally did, he shut himself up in the labs, alone, and never spoke to anyone. Apparently, he hasn't shouted at anyone for ages.

I must confess here to a pathetic twinge of concern. This decidedly un-boss-like behaviour reported by no less than four of my colleagues had me worried. I did not pick up the phone or anything like that, but I did borrow Itachi's car and drive out to the Port Town mall to pick up a Christmas card from the card shop. I did this while Itachi was at work, because if he had caught me thus acknowledging the boss's continued existence, I don't think he would have been pleased with me, and I didn't much fancy having to justify my actions to him. How could I, when I couldn't even justify them to myself?

I spent ages in the store trying to decide which card to buy, because I was so worried that the Far Side one I liked was too funny and would give the impression I didn't care and was over everything that had happened, that the one with a generic "Season's Greetings" was too impersonal, and the one with the festive fart jokes would be just plain disgusting. I wanted a Christmas card that said: "Merry Christmas. I still maintain strong feelings for you and I'm sorry for everything, but so help me I want to gouge your eyeballs out for ruining my life."

Unfortunately, no such card existed. I asked the girl at the counter, who told me this was the case, and when I replied in an impatient tone that I was at my wits' end trying to choose a damned card, she came out onto the shop floor and directed me towards the grey bear cards. They were perfect, and I thanked her profusely. In the end, I selected the one with the little grey bear, wearing a red santa hat, making a trek over a frozen lake in the snow to deliver a parcel he clutched tightly in his little, grey paws. It was solemn, yet optimistic. It said everything.

Inside, it bore the usual "Happy Christmas" message. When I got it home, I added one of my own before addressing it to the boss and sending it off with the rest of Itachi's mail.

My message read:

----

"Get up, and get out of bed. I've invested so much in your bloody company and I don't want to come back to find I don't have a job because you're depressed or mooning over what happened or whatever. I want you up and in the labs every day, making those wonderful, useful discoveries you're famous for. When I come back in the new year, you can tell me all about them, and I can tell you about the horrors of another Akatsuki Christmas at Itachi's.

Yes, that's where I'm staying. It's his new place on the Kirigakure commuter coastal line in Konoha. I'm telling you just so you know and so you don't have to worry (if you are, that is.) I've put his address on the back of the envelope, so if you could give it to Kabuto and everyone else, I'd be grateful. Of course, if you want to send something yourself, feel free. I'd like that.

Try and have a good Christmas, and I'll see you in January.

Remember! Get out of bed and get washed and dressed and eat something and shout at people at work! I'll be listening to any and all reports.

Sasuke.

xxx

----

As soon as I sent the damned thing, I wanted to un-send it. I spent the rest of that afternoon viciously ironing and cursing myself for caving so soon and being the first to open up the lines of communication. I also spent the next day and the day after that hovering around the front door, waiting to intercept any and all mail in case Itachi accidentally picked up anything addressed to me in the boss's hand (which he would obviously have recognised, because my brother remembers everything he has ever come across.) Of course, Itachi noted my suspicious mail-hovering behaviour and remarked on it, quizzing me as to why I had been hanging around the front door in the morning and whether I was waiting for something. I laughed a little too loudly in response and played the "Doh! You got me card!" I managed to get away with it by telling him I was waiting for his presents to be delivered (which was half true – I've ordered everyone's gifts online this year) and he shrugged and went upstairs to fit in a short piano practise session before work.

Three days later, loads of cards came through the door from everyone I knew. A lot of them were from Konoha: from Kakashi, Shikamaru, Neji and TenTen, Hinata, Lee, Gai, Ino, Chouji, Shino, Sai, Tsunade and Dan, Asuma and Kurenai – loads of them from my old work – which had been forwarded from the boss's house in Otogakure. Also bearing Konoha postmarks, and the cards that made my heart squeeze painfully, were ones from Jiraiya, Kiku and Kylie, Sakura, and Naruto.

I could tell Kiku had written out her joint Christmas card from her and Jiraiya this year, because it was written in a baby-blue ink pen and she always puts little hearts above every lower-case I and J. She'd written a special message inside.

It read,

----

Hey Sasuke, it's Kiku here, but don't think it's all me, though, cos Jiraiya is telling me what to write, lol! We heard from Kabuto that you're not in Otogakure anymore, so we don't know where to send this, but Jiraiya says if Oro knows, he'll maybe forward it to you if he's in a good mood. If this gets to you, then we just want you to know that if you're ever in Konoha, you've to give us a call. Jiraiya says he doesn't blame you for what happened and that you're always welcome at our house. Ha! It feels real weird saying "our house!"

Anyway, I'm so excited because I wanted to tell you that back in October, after we came back to Konoha, I applied to do business at Konoha University. It was too late, obv. for this year, but I HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED FOR NEXT YEAR!! They said my high school grades were good, but they were more impressed by the work experience I got when I was filling in for you at Oto Enterprises. Who would have thunk it, eh? Little old me! Kylie will be one and a half then (she's getting sooooo big, lol!) so I won't feel too bad about leaving her, tho I am kinda nervous. But my dad says he's always willing to babysit and Jiraya can look after her at night when I'm studying, so I won't feel like she's not getting cared for or anything. I figured you'd be proud, since it's the same course you did when you went there with Naruto and Sakura.

Speaking of Naruto, he misses you like crazy, especially since he broke up with Hinata and fell out with Sakura. All he's been doing is working. It's weird. I think you should talk to him.

But I'm running out of space (my big, fat writing is HUGE, lol) so wherever you are, have a good Christmas! And don't be a stranger, y'hear?

Love Kiku, Jiraiya and Kylie.

xxx

----

Let it be known, Kiku, that I am damned proud that you were selected for the very competitive and ruthless Business Studies course at the University of Konoha. As a survivor, I know that you will walk through those doors on the first day and go off like a bomb – shocking all the cut-throat, stuck-up, stuffy, would-chew-off-their-own-arm-for-a-networking-opportunity types who are attracted to that course like flies to shit. It'll be hard, because they'll be jealous that you, the bubbly, pint-sized blonde from downtown in a pink t-shirt and jeans with a kid at seventeen, have had more success and experience of living the high life than they'll ever have in their lives. But you've got to stick it out. You've really got to. And I think you will, because you've managed to handle living with the boss for a few years and have consorted with various Akatsuki Group higher-ups. If you can deal with that, you can deal with snide comments from jealous undergraduates, no problem. That, and you're a mother now. I've heard that becoming a parent tends to bring on preternatural bouts of aggression and makes one increasingly disinclined to take crap from other people. So if it gets hard – and it will – think of Kylie and think of how proud Jiraiya, your dad and Ayame will be when they're at your graduation. I wish you all the luck in the world. Not that you'll need it. You'll be great, and everyone knows it.

Wow...

What intensity of feeling. Maybe I should have put that in the card I sent back? Where the hell did that spontaneous burst of optimism come from? It's highly unlike me. Perhaps it's a combination of Kiku's embarking upon the road to success, Jiraiya's well-wishes and the messages of hope in Naruto and Sakura's cards.

Yes, they still want to be a part of my life, and yes, I am so terribly, terribly happy about it. I have their cards right here on my nightstand. I'll type out the contents. They're not too long.

From Sakura,

----

Hi Sasuke,

I know we haven't really spoken much lately, but I just want to say I'm sorry and that I sort of understand why you told Orochimaru-sama the truth, even though I'm still mad at you for using it as ammo in a fight. I was talking to Kabuto and he said you two had had a major fall-out and that you're not living in Otogakure just now (so I hope this card gets to you – I have no idea where you are.)

Please, please, please send me something with your address on it. I want to know where you are and that you're okay. Even though I'm mad at you, you're still my friend, and I don't want to lose you. Do you fancy meeting up at some point in the new year? If yes, I'll call you and we can have a chat about it.

Have a good Christmas!

Sakura.

xox

----

From Naruto,

----

Dude, I dunno why I'm writing this. It probably won't get to you because no one knows where the hell you are and you won't answer your phone or emails, but I've gotta try. Jiraiya said I should talk to you cos it wasn't actually your fault all that stuff happened. I guess he's right, and that makes me feel like shit.

So I just wanna say that I believe you now, okay? I mean you were, what, three months old or something when it happened? I guess I was just so angry I couldn't think straight. I'm still angry now, but not at you. You're my best friend, dude, even though you're an Uchiha, and I kinda miss you. We've been friends for ever, and I don't want those pieces of crap Oro and Madara to split us up. That'd be like goin down without a fight, and you know that ain't my style!

Anyway, Sakura was talking about meeting up in the new year. If this gets to you, and you're up for it, let me know. I moved into a new apartment, so I put my address on the envelope like Jiraiya told me to. It's huge and it's really close to work, so we can hang out there.

Happy Christmas, dude.

From your best friend ever (still!)

-N.

P.S. The plan totally worked in the end, lol.

----

Needless to say, my duties as house-brother-in-residence fell by the wayside that day, as I was busy writing cards I had stolen from Itachi's leftover pile in the kitchen with the biggest, silliest grin on my face. It was nice to know that my life was, you know, maybe not as worthless or fucked-up as I thought it was. And that my friends still wanted to be friends with me. That was the best feeling ever. It has made bearable even the prospect of going Christmas grocery shopping with Itachi and Kisame tomorrow. We have to be standing in the queue at eight-thirty sharp to pick up the pre-ordered turkey and ham at Mitsukoshi department store. After that, we have to find the rest of the food. Itachi and Kisame are in the front room right now, drawing up a battle-plan. When I say, "battle plan", I mean actually mean "shopping list", but it might as well be one. The last-minute rushes in Konoha are truly terrifying and astonishingly competitive. This is one of the times I wish I was back in Otogakure. The boss has people to do this sort of thing for him.

While Itachi and Kisame plot and scheme, I have taken a brief break to write this entry before getting back to my regularly scheduled cleaning. I swear have never done so much housework in my life. Only this morning, I have swept, hoovered, dusted, buffed, scrubbed, arranged last-minute additions to our Christmas decorations, and put a load in the washing machine. This is because, at eight tomorrow, the Akatsuki mob (minus Konan, Nagato and his siblings) will descend, en masse, upon my brother's home, and he will not tolerate anything less than spotless.

If cleanliness is next to godliness, I would be calling my brother kami-sama.

I wonder if there is a god of hygiene?

Oh well. Better sign off. Kisame has just popped his head round the door and asked me to cast the deciding vote as to whether we will buy cranberry sauce or make it fresh.

Until tomorrow, I suppose.

LATER

3:10am

There are times when I don't cope well, having left him. Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night, and soon as I do, I think of him and that horrible, hollow ache appears in my chest. It doesn't have to be much. The stupidest, most insignificant memory can result a sleepless night as I dwell upon him, upon his place, and upon the profound impact he has had on my life. Sometimes, I snivel. I cannot help it. Three years is a long time, and despite the fact that he really did fuck up my life, I'm finding it hard to forget him.

I keep having dreams about him. They all start out different (having sex, someone dying, Suigetsu on a game-show and we're trying to help him cheat, running from the cops because some foreign journalist has exposed the illegal goings-on down in the labs, fighting for our lives in a zombie apocalypse) but at the end, the boss always leans over and whispers the same words in my ear. He says, "Sasuke-kun, I have something to tell you..."

And then I wake up in tears, frustrated, because I want to know so badly. Because I want to be with him but can't.

Tonight is one of those nights. I had the dream, and once again, I woke up before he could tell me what he wanted me to know, and now I'm lying here, awake, alone, and torturing myself thinking about him. I'm wondering whether he's lying awake right now, thinking of me, or whether he has found solace with another? I wonder whether he even thinks of me at all...

I cannot talk to Itachi about this. He will not understand. If I told him, he would simply outright dismiss my anguish and chalk it up to a combined weakness of principles and character. I cannot talk to anyone, so this journal is my only outlet.

I want these feelings to go away...

December 24th

6:40am

Got no sleep last night.

Result? Tired, groggy, dressed in black hoodie, tee and skinnies with some rice shoved down my throat.

Stupid brother has woken me up at this stupid hour, insisting we join the stupid pre-order turkey queue at Mitsukoshi before it gets too big. Sleep deprivation is a breach of human rights, and I know this because I watch the news and have seen photos of what they do at torture camps. So, Itachi, I am warning you now, if you pull such a stunt again, I will hire a lawyer and sue your ass to kingdom come – brotherly bonds, or no brotherly bonds.

LATER:

10:15am

Itachi and I were kicked out of Mitsukoshi. It wasn't even our fault! People are just far too jumpy these days – it really makes me sick.

Having parked the Bentley and paid for our ticket, Itachi and I wandered across the road to the department store and joined the pre-order queue down in the basement at exactly half-seven. As Itachi had predicted, the line was already rather long, but not so long that we couldn't see the counter at the other end of the room. The staff had erected tensabarriers as a Christmas customer crowd control measure and the queue was snaking around the basement floor. In a misguided attempt to be festive, they had wrapped tinsel around the barrier poles.

I was tired and grumpy. The little, old lady in front of us was tired and grumpy. The put-upon mother behind us who had been forced to bring along her two small children was tired and grumpy. Everyone was tired and grumpy. Add to this the deeply irritating sound of what sounded like "Kenny G does Christmas" wailing over the tannoy, and you have a recipe for disaster right there. I mean, Kenny G? Seriously?

My brother does not do well in crowds, so by the time we reached the front of the line, he was a little tense. When the checkout girl asked for our pre-order slip, he sort of threw the thing at her and asked her to be quick (Itachi does not do well with people, either.) The girl scowled and headed into the back room to fetch our order. A few minutes later, she returned empty-handed. No turkey, no ham and none of the other little party snacks in foil trays we had requested. When Itachi, in his condescending monotone, inquired as to why this was so, the surly checkout girl replied that there was a problem with our order form, that she couldn't find our records, and that we'd have to come back later.

For Itachi, who had spent forty-five minutes waiting in a tightly-packed tensabarrier queue listening to Kenny G murdering White Christmas, this was not a welcome revelation. It may have pushed him over the edge. I know this because I saw his eye twitch just before he leaned right over the counter and rudely snatched the order form from the checkout girl's hands. In response to the indignant yell of their colleague, two other male attendants suddenly appeared out of nowhere and rushed to her aid.

"Sir, if I might remind you that this is a busy time for us and that everyone is a little under pressure—"

"Of course, Sir. I do realise this is an inconvenience, and we apologise, but you must treat our staff with tolerance and patience as we are trying our hardest to—"

"There is a problem with your order form? I see. Then please let me double-check, Sir. There might have been some sort of—"

"No, Sir. I am afraid I cannot permit you to check our stock and records yourself. Customers are not permitted beyond this point—"

"Sir, I must insist you remain behind the counter—"

"Sir, if you take one more step we will be forced to call security!"

Thus it came to pass that my brother and I were escorted out of the department store by two burly security guards. I was too tired and grumpy to protest. Kisame was not best pleased when I called to tell him what had happened. He had to leave the trolley full of essential list-items he had already gathered together in the care of an elderly lady (who had promised to guard it for him) so he could meet us and collect the turkey order form. At which point, he would return to the basement to finish and pay for the rest of the shopping (with Itachi's card, I might add!) before heading over to wait in the mile-long pre-order queue because Itachi and I had screwed up. Or at least, that's what he said.

Kisame can be such a whiny bitch sometimes. Seriously, it wasn't even our fault! I mean, we are the ones having to sit here in an overcrowded Starbucks, wasting our valuable time by generously waiting for him because he'll need a ride back to Port Town with all the groceries.

Stupid Kisame.

LATER:

6:15pm

Itachi and Kisame are in the kitchen, chopping vegetables to make soup and being short with one another. I have been excused this duty because I had to run down to the local pet store to buy a litter-tray for Mallory when Zaku turned up at the door with him not long ago. Yes. You heard me. My Mallory is here!

How did this most wonderful of events come to pass? I'll tell you.

When we got home about half an hour ago, there was a card for me sitting on the doormat from the boss. Fortunately, I was first in and was able to check for mail (first, because Itachi and Kisame were too busy having a passive-aggressive bitch-fest in the garage to pick up any bags and help). I was glad, for Itachi would definitely have recognised it, as the boss had, indeed, addressed it by hand.

The sight of it gave me butterflies, and I decided to avoid opening it until I had attended to absolutely every other duty that was required of me in the house. To keep the card safe and away from the prying eyes of my over-protective brother, I dashed upstairs and hid it in my underpants drawer (he would never go there – not for anything) before heading back down to help put away the groceries and be ordered around by Itachi.

Not opening the card was a mistake, as the doorbell rang whilst sous-chefs Kisame and I were in the middle of chopping and washing leeks under order of executive chef Uchiha Itachi.

"Itachi, I'm not getting the door," Kisame announced loudly, up to his elbows in leek-infested, lukewarm water.

"Well, I am busy, Kisame," my brother answered in his customary monotone, concentrating hard on whisking his egg-whites to the perfect consistency for the bitter, dark-chocolate mousse we will be having tomorrow. "Sasuke will have to answer it. Sasuke? Please go and answer the door."

"It'd better not be the others. They're far too early..."

Wiping my hands and tossing my dishcloth on the counter, I trudged out to the front door, scowling and rather fed-up of being bossed around by my brother. Rolling my eyes, I undid the lock and opened the door.

It was Zaku, the boss's driver. I almost freaked and slammed the door in his face. Fortunately, he spoke first, thus saving me from accidentally breaking any noses or other important, facial bones.

"Uchiha-san. Thank god," he said, in his usual surly manner, stubbing out his cigarette and putting it behind his ear. "Thought I'd got the wrong house. I've got something for you from the boss. Hold on a sec."

He disappeared round the corner for a moment – presumably where he parked the car. When he reappeared, carrying a cat box in his hands, I almost wept with joy. I could hear Mallory mewing inside. At the sound of my fluffy one in transit-related distress, my inner-parent was kicked into action. I sprinted outside in my bare feet and snatched the box from Zaku. He laughed and rolled his eyes.

"Oh my god, Zaku," I exclaimed, giddy with this unexpected surprise. "Thank you, seriously..."

"It was nothing," he replied, smugly. "Have a good holiday, y'hear?"

"I will now!" I called out. "Thanks again!"

The second I got inside, I opened the cage door. Mallory came bounding out and recognised me immediately. Tears came to my eyes, I swear to god, and I picked him up and gave him the biggest cuddle and told him how much I'd missed him and that I was sorry I had to leave him in Otogakure and that I'd never leave him again because he was the most clever, most beautiful and most awesome cat in the whole wide world. I must have been creating a bit of a commotion, as Itachi and Kisame abandoned their respective culinary projects – probably to see who in the hell I was talking to.

Kisame smiled when he spotted Mallory squirming in my arms and turned to Itachi and said, "Well, well. This is an interesting development. Are you going to let him keep it?"

It did not even cross my mind that Itachi might not want an animal in the house. In his lovely, new, freakishly clean house, minus cat hairs or any other fibrous material of an animal nature. I know how much my brother hates cast hairs lying around on floors and fabrics and surfaces. He has an abhorrence for them bordering on pathological. For example, he woke me up at five in the morning, not two weeks prior, to tell me that he did not appreciate my tendency to leave my pubic hairs scattered about the bathroom and that, in future, we would be using separate soaps, since he was particularly disturbed by one of my short and curlies cheekily greeting him as he worked up a lather to wash his face one dark, fateful morning. I don't even know how he knew for sure they were mine. For one, ours look exactly the same, and Kisame had also used the shower the night before, so I don't know where he got off on laying the sole blame on me.

At any rate, my brother does not like loose hairs. Thus, I felt I had to convince him.

"Itachi, please..." I begged, clutching a squirming, kicking feline to my chest. "He'll be no trouble, honest. Mallory likes you! You've met him before! Oh, Itachi, please let him stay. I'll keep the place absolutely spotless, honest. I'll vacuum everywhere he goes. I'll even keep him in one room if you like, and I'll buy a litter box and all the things he needs."

In the end, my impassioned speech was not necessary. It was not the cat he was worried about.

"How did he get here?" Itachi asked, holding up a hand and interrupting me. His eyes kept flitting to the front door.

"What? Oh, Zaku brought him over in a cat box. He must have driven here from Otogakure."

"Who is Zaku?"

"The boss's driver."

"And no one else was with him?"

"You mean like Orochimaru-sama."

"Yes, Sasuke. Exactly like Orochimaru."

"Not as far as I know. If he was in the car, he didn't come anywhere near the house, but—" I was momentarily cut off as my brother swept past me, opened the door and performed a cursory 'look left, look right, look left again' security check, "— but it's rather unlikely, since he always spends Christmas in Otogakure now and he wouldn't be travelling this close to the big day."

Satisfied that the boss wasn't lurking around the perimeter, waiting to do god-knows-whatever my brother was thinking, Itachi slammed the door, locked it, and slipped the chain on for good measure. Then he turned and surveyed me in his usual impassive manner. I was still holding Mallory, and he began to yowl in protest. I grinned in what I hoped was an encouraging manner.

"Please, Itachi?"

My winning smile earned me victory.

In response, my brother sighed, shrugged and said, "Very well. Go to the pet store this instant and buy him a litter tray. I will not have any accidents. And do not be overly long. I will be needing your help later on to make the chocolate quinelles."

Beaming, I thanked my brother, flipped Kisame off for his shit-stirring antics, released Mallory (he was this close to clawing my face off, I could feel it) and dashed upstairs to choose appropriate outerwear and collect Itachi's car keys from his room. While deliberating over whether or not I should wear my leather jacket or my Konoha University one, I suddenly remembered with a pang the boss's card, languishing in the depths of my underwear drawer. I figured that since he had been in a kind enough mood to forward all my Christmas cards (and my cat), he probably wouldn't have spat on the paper and sent it to me. I'm not going to lie to you. I had been secretly dreading he'd do just that.

I opened it in the car after I'd purchased and stowed Mallory's new possessions securely in the back. It's safe to say I'm glad I had the relative privacy of the Bentley. The car park was quite busy, what with the multitude of indulgent pet-owners rushing to buy their pets some last-minute Christmas treats, but no one, in their single-minded haste, paid any attention to a frustrated, tearful, twenty-something office worker bashing his forehead against the steering wheel of a borrowed car. Not even when one particular bash accidentally caused the horn to toot.

The card was another grey bear number, depicting the unfortunate, unloved little creature sitting in a pile of snow, all alone, wearing a santa hat. I knew exactly what this card meant, as I had considered sending it myself earlier in the week.

Nervous, I opened it. The left hand side was crammed to the corners with the boss's slanting hand. Obviously, he had a lot he felt he needed to say to me. Steeling myself, I read.

----

Sasuke-kun,

After much deliberation, I have decided to send Mallory to you. This is not because I cannot abide him, or because I have grown weary having him taken care of. It is because he reminds me of you, and I miss you so terribly that the mere sight or sound of him padding about my home causes me an undue amount of distress. He reminds me of you, my beautiful Sasuke-kun. Of the good, of the bad – of everything that is you. Knowing this, I tried to keep Mallory away from me, to the extent that I would go out of my way to avoid him in my own home. Unfortunately for me, your cat was intent upon seeking me out. Everywhere I went, Mallory would follow me, like a little shadow, mewling and staring at me with accusing eyes that asked where his Sasuke-kun was. I had to tell him that I did not know, and that it was because of me that his Sasuke-kun was gone – because my affection for his Sasuke-kun was so strong it clouded my judgement and caused me to do and say things I deeply regret. Even after I confessed to Mallory my misdeeds, he followed me still. I suppose he was lonely and missed his Sasuke-kun. We had something in common. Out of a sense of duty, I tolerated his presence. I took it upon myself to feed him, groom him and play with him, even though it tortured me to do so. However, when I awoke one morning to find him curled up, asleep, upon my chest, I could take it no more. I sent him to you because he needs you, because he misses you, and because I thought that if at least one of us were to be with you, it should be the more deserving.

I miss you, Sasuke-kun. I cannot function without you. You are my sun. I beg you to believe me when I say it.

All my love,

Orochimaru.

----

I can draw only one conclusion from this message, carefully written inside my Christmas card – that he is sorry and wants me back. A part of me, I must confess, has longed for this – not just because I retain niggling, nocturnal fantasies about getting back together again, but also because it allays one of my greatest fears about this whole sorry mess: that after three years worth of (mostly) solid relationship, he no longer cares for me. The prospect of him being able to brush all that aside as if it did not matter was horrible. The thought of him walking past me in the corridor at work, offering me only a slight, awkward nod in acknowledgement of my existence, pained me. Obviously, my fears were unfounded, and for that, I am relieved.

However, and this is a big "however"... I don't think I can forgive him for what he did to me. I can just about see myself letting the whole cheating thing go (and coming from me, that is saying something), but that he was willing to wreck my life to have me to himself? And I when I say 'wreck it', I mean really wreck it, big style.

I'll need to think about this. I'll need to think about this long and hard. I suppose, though, that I'm fortunate enough to have the time and space to do so right here at my beloved big brother's. Or at least I will after the Akatsuki lot have checked out. No doubt, I am going to have to spend an inordinate amount of time answering a host of very intrusive, personal questions regarding my presence here in Konoha and not with the boss – all this whilst attending to making two batches of fresh cranberry sauce. (Yes, we did end up choosing fresh. As the most experienced cook, Itachi pulled rank and said fresh or nothing – to hell with democracy! – and now I have to make the damned stuff.)

It's going to be a long night.

Oh well. At least I have Mallory. And if any of them give me any crap, I'll set him on them and he can cover them in loose hairs. That'll teach them.

LATER

11:15pm

Akatsuki arrived right on time at eight o'clock, and have already taken over the entire house. Sasori is out on the porch, smoking in the driving rain; Zetsu is up in his room doing god knows what; and Hidan is in the kitchen with Kisame, Kakuzu and Itachi, loudly proclaiming that he is "only doing this Christmas thing for the food and the presents" and that we're all godless pagans etc. etc. I was dismissed from the kitchen earlier and replaced by Kakuzu because I was not peeling chestnuts fast enough for Itachi's liking, and have subsequently spent much of my time in the living room with Deidara. (Deidara is still banned from cooking ever since the infamous Christmas when he ruined the turkey and we had to have frozen beefburgers instead.)

I must say, we had a rather interesting chat.

After I stomped out of the kitchen, angrily yelling that "I didn't want to peel any fucking chestnuts, anyway!" I headed straight for the living room, intent on throwing myself upon the sofa next to the window in a melodramatic fashion. Deidara was already in there, and he watched my minor tantrum unfold with a gleeful glint in his eye.

"Did brother kick you out, ickle Sauce?"

"Yes," I said acidly, my face buried into a mound of neutral-coloured cushions that Itachi had picked specially because they were boring. "Fucking chestnuts. And don't call me Sauce."

"Why not?"

"Just shut up, Deidara. I'm not in the mood."

"Wow. I think someone put his grumpy pants on this morning..."

When I didn't answer, content to wallow in a mulish silence, I heard Deidara sigh and say, "You're no fun, Sasuke. If I got you a drink, would you be any more fun?"

I muttered something in a non-committal manner that Deidara evidently interpreted as an affirmative response.

"It's settled then. So where does your obsessive-compulsive brother keep the booze? Because, you know, if it's in the kitchen, I think you'll have to go get it. Itachi threw a fork at me last year for trespassing, and the graze didn't go away for ages."

Despite my brother being strictly tee-total (alcohol has never passed his lips because he does not like the thought of losing his self-control) he has always kept alcohol around for the benefit of any guests. I waved my hand in the general direction of the drinks cabinet and, a few minutes later, I found a snowball placed on the coffee table in front of me. Advocaat, lemonade, and a touch of lime-juice shaken and poured over ice. The perfect, festive way to get rat-arsed.

Groaning, I sat up and picked up my drink. Deidara was sitting on the rug by the fire, cross-legged, with his hair pulled back into his usual high ponytail. I couldn't help but notice his DIY t-shirt, which probably began its life as a plain white tee, but had the words "KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL" written all over it in black marker pen.

"Um... nice shirt," I said, sipping my drink. My snowball really was rather good.

"Thanks," Deidara said, smiling. "I made it myself."

That he had made it himself was self-evident, but I didn't say anything.

There was a brief silence, during which we both sat and listened to the fire crackling and Deidara, no doubt, thought of the best way to phrase what he was about to say to me. He was obviously unable to contain it any longer.

"So..." he ventured innocently, breaking the silence. "Have you talked to him lately?"

"Talked to who?" I asked, my brow knitting together in genuine puzzlement.

Deidara grinned wickedly.

"Oro, of course! Who else would I be talking about?"

I felt a flash of irritation. Why was he asking me this? What business of it was his if I had talked to the boss or not?

"No, I haven't talked to him," I bit back. "Why, have you?"

"Yup!" he said cheerfully. "Saw him last week, actually."

It's hard to keep your tone casual when your insides suddenly decide to rebel and trigger an emotional uprising in the form of a squeeze of dread.

"Oh, and what was the occasion?"

"Why, the Oto-Enterprises Christmas party, of course!" Deidara said, taking another sip of his drink and wiping the froth from his upper lip. "Damn, I make a good snowball! I could make you a white Russian next, if Itachi'll let me borrow some milk. How about it?"

Ignoring Deidara's deliberate change in tack (and it was deliberate, he's cleverer than he looks), I pressed him for details. I knew this was exactly the reaction he wanted from me, but I didn't care. I wanted to know.

"What happened at the party?" I said, with a little more force than I intended.

Deidara smiled a smug, secretive smile and said nothing.

"Deidara," I began, leaning forward and smiling ever-so-sweetly, "if you don't tell me what happened at that party, I'll pee in that corner over there and tell Itachi you did it."

Holding his hands up in a conciliatory gesture, he grinned and said, "Okay, okay! Jeez... Calm down, Saucy-kins. I was going to tell you anyway."

"Yes, I know you were," I said, waspishly. "What can I say? I'm impatient. So spill it," I added, folding my arms. "What happened?"

"Nothing much, actually," he replied, with a sigh. "It was boring. Oro, in particular, was boring. He sat there all night with a sour look on his face and snapped at everyone, especially Kimimaro. Poor kid..."

My stomach did a forlorn, little flip at the mention of Kimimaro.

"Did he arrive with him, then?" I asked, not really wanting to hear the answer.

"Yessss..." Deidara said hesitantly.

"But?"

"Well, I don't know about the others, but it was obvious as hell to Sasori-danna and I that Oro just did not want to be there. I'm guessing Kimi managed to drag him out to try and cheer him up. Ha! Big mistake."

"Why? What happened?"

"Well, basically, Oro just treated him like shit the whole night. You know that way he gets when he's fallen out with you and does not want anything to do with you?"

I rolled my eyes and nodded.

"The venomous one-word answers. The gratuitous eye-rolling. The verbal italics," I said, describing the boss's moody turns to a tee since I knew them so very well. I offered a few choice phrases as examples. " 'Yes. No. Shut up. Why? I don't think so...' Any of those ring a bell?"

Deidara smiled wryly.

"Yup. He pretty much used all of them on Kimi in one go. The poor kid ended up leaving early, in tears."

"Well that's not my problem," I said truculently, refusing to feel any sympathy for him. "He wanted to go out with him. If you can't take the heat, you shouldn't be in the damned kitchen in the first place."

"I'm not saying it's your problem," Deidara sang, with a secretive smile. "I'm saying you were someone else's problem."

"What do you mean?"

Deidara grinned and launched into his story, complete with characteristic lively gestures and real-time actions. He told me how, at the time of the party, he had no idea I was no longer living in Otogakure, and how he had committed a grave social faux-pas by sneaking up behind his host and greeting him by slapping him squarely on the backside, after which he felt it proper to announce, loudly, so that everyone in the room could hear, "That was for Sasuke!"

When the boss drew him a filthy look and swept off without a word, he knew something was amiss. Instead, however, of maintaining a safe distance until he was certain what that something was, Deidara skipped after him, danced around him and prodded him in the ribs. Deidara admonished the boss for being dull, and, having stolen a quick look around, inquired as to my then current whereabouts because he couldn't see me hanging around. The boss was rather short with him and replied that the reason he could not see me was because I was not there. Deidara then laughingly asked him if that was because he had pissed me off and I had refused to come, at which point the boss sort of exploded in his face and informed him, in no uncertain terms, that the reason I was not at the party was because I was no longer in Otogakure.

The boss, he said, then swept off to his table where he sat drinking for the rest of the night, biting the head off anyone who was foolish enough to attempt conversation.

"And?" I said, raising an eyebrow. "I mean, I get what you're trying to say. The boss was pissed off and miserable because I wasn't there. What do you want me to do about it?"

"Oh, Sasuke," he sighed. "Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke. I want you to realise what it means. You get it, but you don't really get it..."

At that point, I was getting damn tired of all his mysterious crap and just wanted him to spill it.

"Fine, Deidara!" I snapped. "I don't get it. Be my walking, talking elucidator and tell me. If you don't, then I'm done with this conversation."

Leaning forward, his eyes glinting with a sly, secret knowledge beholden only to himself – the Grand High Gossip-Monger – he said, "Oro has never, and I mean never, been so hung up on anyone before."

I opened my mouth to protest, but Deidara held up a finger, silencing me.

"Sasuke, you don't know about his other break-ups. I do. I remember him breaking up with Kabuto when he hired Kimi. I remember him taking Kabuto back whenever Kimi showed signs of not wanting to be treated like a doormat. It was like a revolving door, I kid you not! I remember the cheating, the fighting, the bitching and all of that stuff. They were both really into him – but he didn't care. Hell, whenever we both happened to meet for some stupid business reason, we'd hook up, and he'd sit there in bed afterwards and talk to me about it. And he laughed.

"It was all a game to him, Sasuke! He loved playing them off against each other. He wanted to see how far they would go to please him. When he finally ground Kimi down, and the kid decided he had to get away, Oro had already been making plans to hire you. I guess you were supposed to be another pretty, little thing to play with. But it didn't quite turn out that way, did it?"

When I didn't respond, Deidara chattered on to fill the silence.

"I really don't know what you've done to him," Deidara said, frankly. "But I've never seen him like this before. I hesitate to say it, ickle-Sauce, but I think you may have done the impossible."

Then he leaned forward and, leering at me, performed a spooky, wiggly hand movement and said, "You have reached Oro..."

I wanted to smack Deidara then. I wanted to reach over the coffee table, grab his head and force it repeatedly into its hard, unyielding, oaken surface. How dare he presume to know the inner workings of the boss's mind? How dare he bring up everything I had spent months trying to forget? How dare he give me hope – something I had neither sought nor asked for!

"I think you should talk to him," Deidara finished, downing the last of his snowball.

"Deidara," I said, quietly but firmly, "you don't know what he did to me."

"Yes I do. Kabuto told me."

"No," I repeated, with more vigour. "You don't know what he did to me. You weren't there. And if you were, you'd understand why I'm here and not with him. This isn't something I've just done on a whim to piss him off. This isn't me being a stupid, spoiled brat – which, for some reason, people seem to think I am. This is real. This is a real, conscious decision that I have made, and one that, frankly, I have fought fucking hard for, okay? Right now, I'm still thinking about what I'm going to do, but I'm back to work in January, and I'll probably talk to him then. Satisfied?"

If Deidara intended to protest and head down the road of no return (at the end of which waited my fist, clenched and ready to pummel him out of existence) the moment passed, as Sasori sauntered in, sat down and flicked on the TV. The only sign that anything significant had passed between us was Deidara's vague smile and my resolute, stony silence.

I was glad Sasori had interrupted, as the TV proved a wonderful distraction. Turns out there was a documentary on about the history of religious iconography, which, of course, Sasori and Deidara started arguing about, because of their differing views on what constitutes art (I do not want to know how they continue to function as an artists' duo. Their professional relationship must be stormy at best.) In the kitchen, above the noise and clatter of pots and pans, Hidan's Righteousness Radar must have picked up Heathen Signals, and he came stomping through – a damp dishcloth flung over his shoulder – and made the whole thing a religious issue. Naturally, this offended Deidara and his "right to be irreligious", and Sasori got mad because they wouldn't shut up and let him watch his show. He consequently turned up the volume to an ear-splitting one-hundred, which riled both Deidara and Hidan who defended their "right to argue", and forced me to flee to the kitchen because I couldn't take any more of their immature crap.

I willingly chose to return to the steaming hellhole that is the kitchen, run by my authoritarian, autocrat brother, to make two batches of fresh cranberry sauce. Anything not to have to listen to Hidan going on and on and on about his dumb cult at the top of his retarded voice.

This is one of those times I wish I smoked. Then I'd have an excuse to escape to the porch and not beat everyone to death.

Hmmm... There is a baseball bat under Itachi's bed. I saw it when I was changing his sheets not long ago. And I know he has a gun somewhere.

I must not kill.

I must not kill.

I must not kill.

LATER:

1:34am

I must admit, I'm feeling a bit better now and less inclined to murder. The turkey is ready to be roasted in the oven and everything that can be pre-prepared is prepped, covered in cling-film and set to go in the fridge. Itachi let the others away at around midnight once every dish and utensil had been washed and put away in its proper place, and they all sauntered through into the living room. Deidara made more snowballs (and some lemonade for Itachi) and we watched some TV.

After a while, Kakuzu announced that he wanted to play a game. Everyone present protested, naturally, since we're not really charades and 'who's in the bag?' types. Ignoring us entirely, Kakuzu disappeared up to his room "to bring it down" and reappeared a few minutes later with a blank DVD. With an evil glint in his eye, Kakuzu shoved it into the player and informed us that we were all playing: no ifs, ands, or buts. This would turn out to be no ordinary game.

The content of the game and its rules were simple. Kakuzu had scraped choice clips of incredibly disturbing, hardcore porn from the anus of the internet and had anthologised them in DVD format. The clips were structured on a gradually ascending cline of filth, and we were promised, by the end, that we would be scarred for life. The aim of the game was to endure watching said disturbing clips, and the last one to retch would win the right to open presents first in the morning.

With a certain tedious inevitability, Hidan won the game outright. I seriously think there is something mentally wrong with him. Zetsu and Kisame crumbled at the stump-licking scene from Cradle of Fear (lightweights) and Itachi and I caved at Two Girls, One Cup (I cannot watch that clip. It is hands down the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. My brother, with his obsession for hygiene, was deeply traumatised and had to leave the room and fix himself a cup of tea in the kitchen.) For a while, it looked to be a stalemate between Sasori, Deidara and Hidan, but the two former winced at the prolapsed rectum ramming, leaving the latter victorious and hankering for more.

Hidan is up in Kakuzu's room right now – both of them hunched over a laptop and putting Kakuzu's external, terabyte hard-drive through its paces. I can hear them laughing through the wall. I do not want to know what they're watching.

This, by the way, is a very typical Akatsuki Christmas. While other families get together to have dinner, play wholesome games and sing carols, I'm stuck here with seven degenerate men who feel Hardcore Porn Tolerance is an acceptable, festive pastime. You would think I'd be used to them by now, but no. They never fail to find new ways to cross the fuzzy, moral line of social acceptability.

Oh well. At least I got a few laughs out of it. Round the twenty second mark of two girls, one cup is the most expressive I have seen Itachi in a long time. Watching his face morph from indifference to nauseated horror caused me to laugh so hard I almost cracked a rib.

I guess I'll sign off here while I'm in a good mood. The anti-Kakuzu security measures are in place (a chair up against the door and a trip-wire improvised from shoelaces) and Mallory is safely installed in his new cat bed. Barring any inconvenient dreams – I expect to sleep soundly tonight.

Until tomorrow!

December 25th

Christmas Day

12:24pm

There is an element of tradition one must observe when participating in an Akatsuki Christmas, and there is one golden rule which must be obeyed over all others. That rule states that no one must rise before ten. In the event that a given individual does rise before ten, that individual must adhere to a certain code of conduct. Namely, that they shall – without waking anyone else – go downstairs to the kitchen, boil the kettle for teas and coffees, and wait quietly until everyone else is awake and ready to face the day.

I love this tradition, as it meant I was able to roll out of bed at eleven, trudge downstairs in my towelled robe and collect a hot mug of coffee, freshly made by Zetsu, before we all filed into the living room to sit down and open presents.

There is another tradition that is an essential part of any Akatsuki Christmas, and that is our method of gift-giving. Since the Akatsuki Group higher-ups are all pretty well-off, and it proves difficult to buy something for them they don't already have, we have had to come up with a system for gift-giving. This is known as the "In-Joke Rule," which dictates that your present must be i) retarded, ii) creative, and iii) both of the former qualities whilst remaining relevant to the receiver. Of course, we get each other a few normal presents, but the highlight is always the joke gift.

Suffice it to say, I got a few interesting presents this year. I shall present this year's haul in a convenient list-format.

The Joke-Haul

1. A working man-trap from Zetsu (I don't know what he was implying with that.)

2. "Tampon Ghosts" from Hidan (basically, he just opened a box of tampons, fluffed them out and stuck a bunch of plastic, googly eyes on them. How that is relevant to me, I have no idea, but it did make me laugh.)

3. A hand-crafted voodoo doll, plus pointy needles of doom, from Sasori (I don't know why he put this down as a joke present. I am so going to use this one...)

4. A big jar of pickles from Itachi (my brother knows me too well.)

5. A signed photo of Kenny G from Kisame (ugh... I wonder what musty, back-alley charity shop he dug that up from?)

6. From Kakuzu, a ¥1 coin taped to a piece of printer paper saying I've to withhold it from the charity of my choice.

7. And to top it all off, a pair of shiny black hotpants from Deidara.

On my part, I decided to set a theme for my joke gifts and gave each of them a brutal-looking dildo. I found a glossy black one called "Big Ben" for Itachi, one shaped like a shark for Kisame, a corn-cob "Hyper Wank Device" for Zetsu, a "Foot Long Double Dong" for Kakuzu, the extendable "Pinocchio" with attachments for Sasori, a truly terrifying, black, spiky monstrosity called "The Destroyer" for Hidan (I had reservations about giving it to him, but I couldn't think what else to buy him), and for Deidara, I lovingly gift-wrapped a bright pink "King Kong" and put a little bow on top.

The dildos went down rather well, especially with Deidara. For him, the present was quite useful, since, it turns out, he has a collection of outlandish sex toys hidden away in a dark closet in his house in Iwagakure. I would say "Who knew?" but this is Deidara we're talking about. Of course he collects dildos. My brother, on the other hand, was initially puzzled and seemed unable to decide what to do with his, but he went upstairs later and put it on his bookcase with the beanie cat I got him two years ago. I can imagine him now in a few months' time, experiencing a real dilemma as to whether or not he should pick it up and give it a dust in case it unleashes repressed, sexual urges.

Oh well. I'd better get going. Dinner is in an hour and I've to help Itachi plate up. I must be back in his good graces after the chestnuts. I'll write later if anything interesting happens!

LATER:

3:15pm

Something interesting has happened.

The boss is standing out in the front garden. Apparently, he won't leave until he gets a chance to speak to me. Port Town is enduring a battering from a ferocious, coastal storm at the moment; the rain pouring from the iron-grey sky in great wavering sheets. I can see big, fat droplets of the stuff bouncing off the next door neighbour's crazy paving, creating an all-encompassing, murky, foot-high haze of water-vapour. It's cold too. The wind is howling, and he doesn't have an umbrella.

Peeking out between the blinds in Kisame's room, I can see him. He's stopped shouting my name and has moved from his spot on the lawn to the bench across the street. He's sitting on it, hunched over, his knees pulled into his chest for warmth. He must have got dressed for Christmas this morning, as he's wearing his beautiful black and gold kimono and an elaborately tied obi. The whole thing will be soaked through by now – most likely ruined.

If he stays out there, he's going to catch pneumonia and end up in hospital again. Why does he continue to believe he is immune to the elements? What does he think he's doing, the moron?

LATER:

3:56pm

It was during dinner that we first heard the hammering on the door. I couldn't hear anything initially because Sasori had leaned over the table and grabbed Hidan by the collar for spearing the back of his hand with a fork (Hidan vociferously denied malice aforethought, stating that he genuinely mistook his colleague's hand for a potato. Granted, the roast potatoes were sat close to Sasori, but no one is that thick. Not even Hidan.) With effort, the rest of us managed to get them to simmer down. It was only then we heard knocking at the door.

"My god," Kisame snapped. "Who the hell is that? Don't they realise we might be busy right now?"

With a small, exasperated sigh, Itachi played the responsible host and set his down his cutlery to answer the door. Eyebrows were raised all around the table when the sound of my brother's voice, raised in anger, drifted through into the dining room.

"You stay away from here! Do not set one foot into my home, or I shall call the constabulary! Never come here again, do you understand me? Never!"

My brother displaying any sort of emotion is a rare occurrence indeed. Naturally, it inspired debate back at the table.

"That was a bit harsh," Kisame said, through a mouthful of mashed potatoes. "Probably only charity workers looking for cash."

"What, today?" Deidara scoffed. "I don't think so."

"Why not today? I've had people turn up at my door on Christmas."

"Yeah, but it's pissing down," Hidan added. "Only nut-jobs would be out on a day like this."

"Then what is the resident nut-job doing inside?" Sasori interjected. He was obviously still sore about the whole hand/potato mix-up.

Unrepentant, Hidan grinned, shoved a forkful of turkey in his mouth and, spraying food everywhere, sang, "Suck my cock, Sasori!"

"Charity workers are nut-jobs," Kakuzu said calmly, turning the attention on himself and thus deftly averting another Hidan-Sasori fracas. "They will walk through fire to get their hands on your cash and your cast-offs."

"Yeah, but will they walk through water?" Hidan retorted. "It's like fucking Atlantis out there!"

"Ha. You think we'll see Sponge Bob then?" Zetsu said, with a grin.

"Don't be a moron," Deidara replied, with an oddly sniffy expression. "Sponge Bob lives in Bikini Bottom, not Atlantis."

"Oh, right. So you know where Bikini Bottom is, relative to Atlantis? Bikini Bottom doesn't even exist!"

"Neither does Atlantis, you dumbass!"

Out in the hall, the front door slammed shut so hard it rattled on its hinges. After a moment, Itachi re-appeared. He never said a word, and his expression was resolutely wooden. Picking up his knife and fork, he attacked his meal in a determined manner and did not meet anyone's eye.

"Who was that then?" I asked, risking it because I am his little brother and he's not allowed to do anything bad to me.

"The Salvation Army, Sasuke," was his bald reply.

When the insistent hammering on the door recommenced, he added, "Pay no heed to them."

"Told you it was charity," Kakuzu said, with an air of smugness. "Bastards don't know when to quit."

"Well, I still think it was a bit harsh," Kisame replied.

"You've got to tell them outright, Kisame. These people never take no for an answer. Itachi did the right thing."

Meanwhile, the banging was growing louder. I began to doubt the veracity of Itachi's statement, but my brother was not open to questioning. When I leaned over and whispered to him, asking if it really was a Salvation Army worker, he pretended he hadn't heard me and asked if I could pass the cranberry sauce.

That was when I started to hear the voices – or what I thought were the voices. It began as a niggling, little thing – barely on the cusp of audibility. It sounded like someone was shouting my name from far away.

"Sasuke! Sasuke-kun! Sasuke-kunnnnnnnn...!"

I risked a quick glance around the table. Could anyone else hear it? No. It didn't appear so, for the rest of them had launched into a debate about the right of tabard-wearing charity workers to solicit donations on busy thoroughfares. Taking a deep breath, I reached for the gravy and pretended nothing was wrong, repeating over and over again in my mind the words "It's all in your imagination. It's all in your imagination. You cannot hear voices. You cannot hear voices..."

My mental, consolatory reasoning, however, did not have the desired effect. Far from banishing the voice (because by then I had distinguished that it was voice singular, not plural) it grew louder and more insistent, as though the owner of the voice was coming closer, but was still far away.

"Sasuke-kun! Sasuke-kun!"

It was then that I realised to whom the voice belonged. With a terrible flash of recognition, I discerned the boss's familiar tone: hoarse, yet strangely smooth with a sibilant lilt to it. A hot, prickling feeling of dread stole over me. Now I was certain. I was going mad. Not content with invading my dreams, thoughts of the boss were now altering my waking senses. I was hallucinating him!

My cutlery fell from my hands with a clatter as I leant my elbows on the table and shoved my fingers in my ears. Affirmative action, thy name is Uchiha Sasuke! If I really was going mad, then I wouldn't go down without a fight! Mercifully, with my fingers in my ears the boss's voice stopped, and I felt a moment's relief. This lasted until Kakuzu looked up from across the table, puzzled, cocking his head to one side as though he could hear something. Then I heard him say, his voice low and fuzzy through my determinedly closed ears, "Is that Oro?"

The rabble of conversation lulled. Each Akatsuki member pricked up their ears and listened. With a strange, hollow feeling settling in the pit of my stomach, I uncovered my own and joined them. Beside me, Itachi was still pretending there was nothing amiss.

"Sasuke! Sasuke-kun! Sasuke-kunnnnnnn!"

"Oh my god... that is Oro," Deidara said after a while. Then he turned to look at me with a wicked grin and added, "Whatever could he want, I wonder?"

It was official.

The boss was here. He was here, outside my brother's house on Christmas Day in the pouring rain and calling my name at the top of his voice. I was not going mad – that was a good thing – but I wasn't sure if the alternative was any better...

Everyone was looking at me. For the first time since I can remember, I blushed a deep, furious red and began to fidget. I could feel their curious, gleeful gazes boring into me, seeking trouble and strife. I could sense each and every one of their malicious, Cheshire cat-like grins spreading over their idiot faces. I could all but hear the cogs turning in their evil, little minds. Well, most of them, at least...

"Heyyyyyy, wait a minute," Hidan said, turning to me as if the proverbial light-bulb had just pinged. "Have you guys broken up?"

There followed a prolonged silence of utter disbelief, during which I actually lifted my head and raised an incredulous brow at Hidan.

"Really, Hidan?" Deidara said, waspishly. "Really?"

"What? I didn't know!"

"You were at the Otogakure Christmas party!"

"Yeah. What about it?"

"Sasuke wasn't there, remember?"

"Yeah?"

"And Oro shouted at me because I spanked his ass and Kabuto told us everything later in the men's room?"

"Well, I wasn't there," Hidan said, turning his nose up and folding his arms.

"We told you after, you moron!" Deidara shrieked, outraged. "I remember! You were sitting right there at the table with Kisame and Kakuzu!"

"Yup. You were," Kakuzu confirmed, which earned him a withering look from Hidan.

"Well, I can't help it if I don't remember!"

"Seriously, Hidan. What university was it you went to again?" Sasori said lazily, leaning back on his chair and inspecting his nails. "Was it one of those ones that used to be a swimming pool in the sixties?"

"Wrong, you smug fuck! I went to Otogakure University. Cram that up your shit-hole."

Amazed, Kisame felt the need to put in his two yen's worth.

"How on earth did you get in there?"

"His dad owns the Hot Springs hotel chain," Kakuzu said, which prompted a series of knowing, cynical nods around the table.

"What? What are you all smirking at?" Hidan yelled, banging his fist on the table and upsetting the salt, which Itachi deftly picked up without taking his eyes off his meal. "You think my dad got me into Otogakure? Is that what you think?"

"Yup."

"Well fuck you guys, cos I've got a degree in Business Studies!" Hidan retorted, prodding himself proudly in the chest.

"Translated, that means he knows someone with a degree for Business Studies and a talent for Photoshop," Sasori said acidly.

"Bite me, art fag. The degree is all mine!"

"Then what grade did you get? Depending on your answer, we may or may not believe you."

"I got a third, but don't you dare say anything! I'm not fucking Itachi, am I?"

"Ha, that explains it..." Kisame said, smirking.

"We believe you," Sasori said, with a small smile.

"Hey, fuck you guys! I studied real hard for those exams!"

"I bet he cheated," Zetsu said.

"Yeah, I bet he did too," Deidara chortled. "And he still got a third!"

Normally, the chance to ridicule Hidan would have proven too much of a temptation and I would have joined in the banter with great enthusiasm. This time, however, it was all background noise. I was too busy being caught up in a horrified sort of trance, listening to the boss hammering on the front door and shouting my name. My chest felt uncomfortably tight, and I jumped when I felt Itachi's hand on my arm. When I turned to face him, his expression was grave.

"Sasuke," he said quietly. "Whatever you wish to do about him... it is your decision to make. I will not stop you. However, I want you to remember how he treated you. I want you to remember why you are here. Do you understand me?"

Swallowing, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat, I nodded and said, "I understand."

There followed the most excruciating Christmas dinner I have ever had the misfortune of sitting through. Outside in the rain, the boss was screaming his lungs out and hammering on the door as if his life depended on it, while inside, suddenly not feeling much like eating because I would have rather crawled into a hole and died, I awkwardly pushed my food around my plate and politely refused when Itachi offered me dessert. The rest of Akatsuki were strangely silent for the remainder of the meal. Not because they felt any sympathy for my plight, oh no. It was because they wanted to listen to the boss embarrassing himself.

Hidan was a particular bugbear, and, if I am being completely honest, I would have loved nothing more than to have smashed him through the wall into the boss's waiting arms. He kept giggling and shaking his head every time the boss's mournful, plaintive cries filtered through from outside, and, because he is a loud-mouthed idiot, felt the need to remark on it.

"Hee hee... listen to him go!"

"I know," Kakuzu said. "It's pathetic. Never thought I'd see the day."

At that point, I couldn't take it anymore. Scrunching up my napkin and throwing it on the table, I pushed back my chair and excused myself. Marching straight upstairs, intent on locking myself in my room, I had a change of heart when I remembered you could see the front garden from Kisame's room, so I collected my laptop and holed up there instead. I spent a few minutes watching the boss shout himself hoarse before Kisame came up, closed the blinds and asked if I had developed a taste for masochism. I replied that, no, I had not, and he then said if that were the case, then I shouldn't be torturing myself. It was the boss's problem if he wanted to make an exhibition of himself like that, and it was his problem if he was such a lunatic that he would be willing to stand out in the driving rain and expose himself as one. Shrugging my shoulders, I agreed and moved away from the window. Instead of watching him and tearing myself up doing so, I wrote this entry.

Kisame is still here. Probably supervising me on Itachi's orders (no doubt he accepted the goodwill mission because it gets him out of washing up.) Hidan popped his head around the door not long ago, warning us not to go in the bathroom because, and I quote, he had "just dropped a massive log" and that we'd best "give it twenty minutes."

Ugh...

The man is utterly vile. I cannot believe he has the same degree as me. Although not the same grade. Definitely not the same grade. Let it be known, that I, Uchiha Sasuke, am the proud owner of a first-class honours degree, graduated summa cum laude from the University of Konoha, and was the best graduating business student of that year. We may both have business degrees, but we are worlds apart in intellect and ability. Worlds apart, dammit!

LATER:

4:12pm

I'm still in Kisame's room, but I can hear everything that's going on downstairs. Deidara and Hidan are shouting updates back-and-forth to one another. There is altogether too much delight in their voices.

"Oh... Oh, Hidan! The neighbours are coming out. The neighbours are coming! And they're... Ha! Oh my god, I see finger-waving! The old bat is actually yelling at Oro!"

"No way!"

"Yes way. And he's not happy about it. Oh ho ho ho! This is too much! This has gotta be the best Christmas ever!"

And another moronic exchange not long after:

"Hidan, I can't see him anymore!"

"It's cool, it's cool, I've got him. He's comin' round the back. Wait... Oh my god— Jashin-sama, thank you for this day..."

"What is it, what is it? Tell me, dammit!"

"Ahahaha! The gate's locked! He's climbing the goddamned fence in that big fancy fucking kimono!"

"You're kidding..."

"Hell no. Funniest fucking thing I've ever seen! Better tell Itachi to lock the back door, he's almost over."

I hate listening to them talking about him like that. I hate it. I want to punch them.

Why is he being so ridiculous? He never acts this way. Dammit, I want to march out there right now and slap him. It is deeply embarrassing. Doesn't he realise that? I mean, I know he's probably a little out of sorts, perhaps because he misses me or whatever, but for it to come to this? I told him I would be back in January. I told him! Doesn't it cross his mind that I might miss him too? In fact, I'll state it clearly: I do miss him, but I would never go to such lengths to make that apparent, to him or to anyone. Never. What on earth has happened to him?

God, I want to scream at him for being such a melodramatic ass!

Why is he doing this to himself?

LATER:

8:12pm

In a feat of reckless lunacy that could perhaps rival Hidan, the boss managed to get himself inside the house. At the moment, he's along the corridor having a shower to warm himself up, after having stood out in the freezing rain for five hours. I insisted he leave the bathroom door open, so I can hear the water running. As I suspected, his kimono might very well be ruined – being slathered in mud and soaked through as it is. He left it and all the various accoutrements lying in a squishy puddle on the bathroom floor, and I darted in quickly to retrieve them and hung them up over my radiator. (What can I say? I cannot stand to see a bespoke garment of such imposing beauty go to waste, and will do all I can to save it. I have a weakness for haute couture. Don't judge me!)

The extent of the boss's spontaneous bout of madness was revealed about an hour ago, as I was sitting downstairs in the living room having been forced to play Trivial Pursuit by the others. The sand-timer had just about run out on Hidan (his question: name the CEO, chairman and co-founder of Apple Inc. – there really is no hope for him), and Itachi was seconds from calling time when Deidara's phone rang, shattering the tension. Grinning, he uncrossed his legs, stood up and danced out of the room with the phone to his ear.

"I'm just gonna take this, okay guys?" he called out.

"Jeez, Dei!" Hidan yelled angrily. "Do you wanna turn that thing off when I'm trying to concentrate?"

"Time," Itachi announced, as the last grain of sand fell.

"Dammit! Well, who was it then?"

"Steve Jobs."

"Fuck!" Hidan whined, grabbing fistfuls of hair in his hands. "Fuck! I totally knew that!"

"No. You did not."

"Yeah, I did, Itachi. Don't tell me what I know and don't know!"

"But if you had known, you would have answered."

"And I'm answering you right now and telling you to shut your fat, Uchiha pie hole! I just forgot, okay? Is that a crime?"

"No. But how can I know with certainty that what you are saying is true? How can I know if you truly did forget, or whether you are lying to me in order to save face? There is no means to prove it either way. Therefore, I choose to go with my first impression: that you are lying to save face, and you did not, in fact, know the answer to the question."

"God dammit, Itachi, what the hell are you on my case for? We're not even playing in teams! I got the fucking question wrong! You should be happy—!"

Rolling my eyes, I sat back on the couch and was all set to have a long wait until the storm blew over. Instead, Deidara popped his head around the living room door and beckoned me over, mouthing, "Come here!" Itachi was too distracted by the rampant, unrepentant idiocy of Hidan to notice, so, puzzled, I got up and followed Deidara into the kitchen, at which point he handed me his phone and said, "It's Kabuto. He wants to talk to you."

Instantly, with a sinking feeling, I knew why. His motive for calling was as clear as day: the boss had run away to find me without telling anyone where he was going. I imagined those who were likely with him at Otogakure – Sarutobi, Mrs Sarutobi, Tsunade, Dan, probably Kimimaro – were searching for him frantically, to no avail. Shrewd as he is, Kabuto no doubt guessed the boss would be with me, but that I had not turned on my phone for over two months posed a problem. Luckily for him, he had Deidara on speed-dial...

With the phone under my nose, I felt suddenly nervous and began to protest. Deidara, however, ignored me entirely, shoved the phone into my hands and waltzed back into the living room, leaving me with it. I stared at it for a while, listening to Kabuto saying "Hello? Hello, Deidara? Are you there? Hello?"

Then I sighed, put the phone to my ear and answered.

"Hey, Kabuto. It's me."

"Sasuke?"

"Hi."

He cut straight to the chase.

"Sasuke, is Orochimaru-sama with you? He said he was going out to check on the specimens down in the labs this morning and never came back. He's left his phone in the TV room. We're all worried sick."

I sighed again, running a hand through my hair.

"You don't have to worry, Kabuto," I replied, wearily. "He's here. Well... sort of..."

"What do you mean, 'sort of?' "

Despite not being in the same country as one another, I still felt the need to shuffle my feet in an uncharacteristically bashful manner as I replied, "Well, he's... umm... sort of standing out in the back garden."

There was a stunned silence at the other end of the line, and I felt compelled to talk to fill the lull in conversation.

"It's really wet out there," I added, awkwardly. "Um, I think he might need an umbrella or something."

"Sasuke, it is December! What is he doing standing out in your brother's back garden!" Kabuto yelled.

"Um, well... I think he wants to talk to me."

"Then damned well talk to him!"

"Itachi won't let him in – and I don't know if I want to let him in either..."

At the other end of the line, Kabuto snarled in frustration. Then he recovered himself and said levelly, "Sasuke, we both know what he's like, correct? We both know that Orochimaru-sama is inclined to extreme behaviour, yes? Then you know that, even if you refuse to see him, he will stand out there all night, regardless of the toll it will take on his mental and physical health, and, as a result, he will probably die of exposure. Do you want that to happen?"

"No!"

"Then make your decision and tell your brother to let him in, or I'll come over there myself and break all his windows? Do you understand?"

I rolled my eyes and muttered a grudging, affirmative response. I hate being bossed around by Kabuto.

"Good. Tell Orochimaru-sama to call me later to let me know he's alive."

And he hung up, leaving me standing there, seething, in the kitchen. Why was he treating me like the whole thing was my problem? It wasn't my problem! If anything, it was his problem for letting the boss slip away unnoticed if he had been harbouring doubts about the boss's continued ability to make rational judgements.

Irritated, pressured, and stressed out of my mind, I trudged back into the living room and threw myself onto the sofa beside Itachi. Fortunately, the storm of an argument which had been threatening turned out to be but a brief shower, and the members Akatsuki were playing nice once more.

"Okay, right... so that's a brown cheese wedge for you, Dei—" Kakuzu said, adding, "— dammit, cat! Stop climbing over the board!" as Mallory leapt onto the coffee table and scattered playing pieces.

"Woo hoo! Who's the daddy of art and literature? Me, that's who!"

"So, whose turn is it to roll? Kisame? Fine then, you're next. Where's the dice?"

"I think I rolled it waaaaay over here by the window!" Deidara said, with a wicked grin. "Why, I think while I'm over there, I'll check up on old Whoro to see how he's getting on."

"Deidara, don't," I insisted, growing angrier by the second.

"Yeah, don't be a pain in the ass," Hidan agreed. "We're playing this now. You promised you'd come upstairs with me to throw eggs at him later, so you can do that shit then."

Ignoring us, Deidara got up and tiptoed over to the window.

"Just a little peek," he said innocently, lifting back the curtain ever so slightly. "Just a—AAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!! OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!! OH MY GOD HE'S RIGHT THERE!! GUYS, HE'S RIGHT THERE, OH MY GOD, MY HEART!!"

At that moment, Kisame was in the middle of rolling for his turn, and Deidara's shriek of terror startled him so that he flailed with fright and sent the dice flying across the room. The unexpected sight caused Deidara to stagger backwards, trip over Zetsu's outstretched legs and bang his elbow off the coffee table as he fell. Instantly, the Akatsuki mob were on their feet, shouting at each other to be quiet so they could find out was going on.

Ever the cool head in a crisis, my brother took charge.

"Someone turn the lights off," he ordered. "Turn them off. Now."

Kisame leaned over and flicked the switch. The room descended into darkness.

"Sasuke," my brother said, "you sit there and don't move."

I swear to god, it was like something out of a horror movie. Huddling together for protection, Akatsuki inched forward toward the window, my brother at the head of the group. Step by step, they crept through the darkness. Hidan picked up a poker from the fireplace along the way. Slowly, they approached, and when he was close enough, my brother reached out to grab a curtain. Taking a deep breath, he twitched the material aside. As a unit, Akatsuki recoiled in horror.

Outside, there was a movement in the darkness and the intruder light flickered on, revealing the boss standing there, swaying from one foot to the other, staring in the window. He was absolutely soaked, his make-up running down his face and his long, black hair hanging in limp, streaky rat's tails. He looked uncannily like Sadako from The Ring. I could see then why Deidara practically shat his pants. As for me? I felt differently. To me, though he wouldn't have looked out of place in a George Romero movie, he looked utterly forlorn, and my heart squeezed painfully at the sight of him brought so low.

I wanted to let him in – to hell with what I'd do about it afterwards. Kabuto was right. The stupid idiot would stand out there all night if I didn't do something.

Determined to put a definite end to all the fool antics, I pushed myself up from the sofa and I started to make my way out into the hall. However, by doing this, I gave away my presence a little too soon. Peering into the dark room with the harsh glare provided by the intruder light, the boss discerned movement within.

His eyes widened as he spotted me, just about to walk out of the door.

"Sasuke-kun!" he shouted desperately, banging on the window. "Sasuke-kun, please speak to me! Please, I beg you!"

Trying to be subtle and unobtrusive so that my brother did not catch on, I cringed and gave him a signal, which he unfortunately misinterpreted. In murky half-light, I pointed out of the door and gestured with my head. What I meant was, "I give up. I am coming round the back door to let you in. Wait there until I fetch you." What he read was, "In the direction in which I am pointing, there is a gutter pipe right next to you. This pipe leads to a first floor bathroom window, left open some hours ago by Hidan to release putrid air from its confines. You should remove your geta and socks, scale the slick, perilously slippery pipe barefoot and with hands numbed by the cold in a heavy, soaking wet kimono and squeeze through the gap in the open window."

That is exactly what he did.

For a moment, he stood there, assessing the situation. Akatsuki were grouped together, ready to neutralise if he tried to come through the ground floor window. Then, in a flash, he was gone. There was a moment of confusion as they all rushed towards the window and fought to get the best view outside. Deidara managed to shove his way to the front, and he squished his face up against the glass, trying to peer right round so he could see parallel to the wall. His jaw dropped.

"Err... guys," he began, as if he couldn't believe his own eyes. "Oro's climbing the drainpipe."

"What?"

"Yeah. I hate to break it to you, but he's almost at the top."

"Did anyone leave a window open?" My brother's voice.

"Umm, maybe..." Hidan's voice this time.

Upstairs, there was a clatter and a loud thump. My heart started fluttering in my chest.

"Oh my god, he's inside!" Deidara cackled, clapping and jumping up and down with evil glee.

Before I knew it, Itachi had pushed past me and had his first foot on the stairs. I gave chase, hot on his heels, begging him not to do anything stupid. The rest followed, sniggering and sauntering along behind, like it was all for their entertainment. The smirks were wiped clean off their faces when Kisame called out, "Itachi, I hope you don't have you know what lying around!"

"No," Itachi answered, marching along the upstairs corridor. "I keep it locked away, but there is a baseball bat under my—"

It all happened so quickly. To our right, the door to my brother's room opened. There was a whoosh of air as something heavy and very, very solid passed our faces – missing us by inches – and a leaden crunch as it came into contact with the wall, leaving a respectable crack in the plasterwork. I gasped, and felt Itachi roughly pull me back behind him.

Squelch, squelch, squelch...

The boss's voice came drifting out from Itachi's room. It had an ominous tone to it that rang of retribution.

"You bastards..."

Instantly, the back-pedalling and excuses poured forth.

"Oro, honestly, we didn't mean it—"

"We thought you'd go away after a while—"

"You were acting like a mentalist! Of course we weren't gonna let you in—!"

The boss squelched towards us, smacking the bat into the palm of his hand. It was then I noticed his fingers were all red and sore from the cold, and he was shivering.

"You bastards!" he repeated, with more vigour. "You think this is all a big joke! Don't you?"

"Oro," my brother said, raising both hands in a conciliatory gesture. "Put the bat down."

"Why?" the boss hissed, his hands shaking. He probably wouldn't have been able to hold it much longer, even if he'd wanted to. "So you can take me away from Sasuke-kun?"

My brother wasn't getting anywhere with him. No one would be able get anywhere with him. I knew this because, out of everyone, I know him best. In fact, over the course of three years, I have gotten to know him pretty damned well. Intimately, you might say. Therefore, I knew that no amount of carefully worded persuasion, ignoring his presence, or even brute-force would get him to change his mind. Only I could do something. Only I could make this right.

I stepped out from behind my brother.

"Orochimaru-sama," I said gently, with a hint of exasperation, "don't get all wound up. I'll talk to you, okay? Just put the bat down."

"Sasuke—" my brother began, a warning note in his voice. I whipped round to face him.

"Itachi," I said calmly, "you said earlier it is my decision to make. Well, I've made it, and I am going to speak to Orochimaru-sama about whatever it is he wants."

I could tell Itachi was not happy about this. Beneath his carefully crafted veneer of impassivity, a startling hatred burned in his eyes. He was looking at the boss as though he wanted to lunge for him. The boss, however, did not care. He seemed to have eyes only for me.

When my brother spoke, his tone was measured, controlled, but there was menace lurking just beneath the surface.

He said, "I told you before that if you hurt my brother again, I would kill you. For Sasuke's sake, I will delay."

Then he turned and walked away without a backward glance; down the corridor, down the stairs, out of sight. The assembled Akatsuki parted to let him pass and reluctantly followed after, shooting me a few curious glances before they, too, disappeared from view.

For the first time since that dark day in October, I was alone with the boss. We were standing there, barely a foot apart, and I could not look at him. My heart started beating madly as the nerves took over, and I fixed my gaze firmly to the floor. The boss, on the other hand, was staring at me intently— staring, staring, staring. I felt a flash of irritation and wished he would stop. Then the bat fell to the floor with a clatter.

"Sasuke-kun—" the boss whispered.

Raising a finger, I interrupted him sternly.

"I will talk to you, Orochimaru-sama," I said, "but first I want you in the shower and warmed up. You're cold, you're wet, you're tired and you probably haven't eaten anything all day."

The boss's head fell, and I sighed. Not unkindly, I started pushing him toward the bathroom and opened the door.

"Now, I'm going to go get you a towel and some clean clothes. You're about the same height, so you can borrow Itachi's, but it won't be anything fancy. Leave the door open so I can bring them to you, okay?"

The boss stood there and stared at me for a moment, looking like a lost puppy. Then he sort of nodded and obediently pulled to door to, leaving it open a crack, just as I had requested. Sighing, I pinched the bridge of my nose, wondering what the hell I was going to do when he got out. What on earth would I say to him? I'm still wondering. I heard him getting out of the shower not long ago, padding along the corridor, barefoot. Of course, he doesn't know my brother's house, so he does not know which room is mine. He's probably downstairs, being teased mercilessly by his old colleagues in the living room, or in the kitchen if he's seeking refuge.

I should go down.

Why am I so nervous?

LATER:

9:45pm

The boss and I have had a good, long chat. At the moment, he's asleep, safely tucked up in my bed with a hot water bottle. I'm sitting across from him on the floor with my laptop plugged in at the mains, watching him twitch and mutter to himself in his sleep. I know it's pathetic, but I can't help but watch him. He's the only person I've ever known who is as interesting in sleep as he is when awake.

I'll talk about this later. I need time to process all this...

LATER:

11:54pm

The boss was in the living room when I finally decided to show face downstairs. The Akatsuki lot had decided to resume their interrupted game of Trivial Pursuit and since Itachi was answering to win, they weren't paying much attention to the boss. He was sitting on the floor by the fire, leaning against the edge of the sofa with his knees tucked up into his chest, staring into space. His wet hair had been swept back into a loose ponytail, causing little damp patches to bloom upon the soft, grey, cotton hoodie Itachi had loaned him. There was not a scrap of make-up on his face. This, with the washed-out hoodie, sweatpants and bare feet, all combined to create an effect that was disconcertingly... normal.

It was so strange seeing him like that – a raw, bare, stripped down version of himself – that I stood, leaning against the door frame, watching him for a while. Without the grand, imposing dress, without the mask, without the ornaments and superficial trappings that marked his wealth and influence – he looked rather vulnerable.

From the coffee-table came a half-hearted cheer that spoke of rank inevitability. As usual, Itachi had won the game, and it was time to pack up, put the playing pieces away and roll out the accusations of cheating. They would be distracted for a little while yet. Perfect timing.

"Zetsu, where are the instructions? I can't find the instructions! You had them, don't lie!"

"Okay, there's one blue piece missing. Everyone check round about you, we need to find it!"

"Orochimaru-sama..." I said quietly, catching the boss's attention immediately. He looked up at me, startled from his reverie of misery. His eyes were wide, but I could not read them.

"How about that chat, hmm?"

The boss nodded and followed me through to the kitchen. We sat down at the table, across from one another, and for a long moment, neither of us knew quite what to say. We seemed content to avoid each other's eye. My stomach was churning with nerves, and this had obviously affected my ability to string a sentence together. We were gearing up for an awkward silence of mortifying proportions, but then there was a small, soft thump as the door opened. I looked round and Mallory padded into the kitchen, mewing happily, his bushy tail waving to-and-fro in the air. Recognising the boss, he made a beeline for him and leapt onto the table and started nuzzling him.

"Hello, Mallory," the boss said, with a small smile. "Did you miss me?"

Mallory obviously had, as he was purring away, brushing against the boss and leaning into his touch as he was expertly scratched behind his ears.

"I guess he does," I said. "You must have done a good job while I was gone."

"I did my best."

"That's good."

"Hmm..."

Conversation withered into silence once again – but I was determined not to let it die completely. My adorable, fluffy one had provided me with several, potential conversation starters, and I would be damned if I didn't use each and every one to my advantage.

"I... um... I see your wrist is better."

"Yes," the boss said absently. "It feels much better now, thank you. The cast was taken off a fortnight ago."

"Oh really?"

"Hmm..."

Another silence.

I was just about to open my mouth and try another tack, when the boss saved me the trouble. Groaning, he let his head drop onto the table and wrapped his arms around it, obscuring his face. His tangled, wet hair poked out at odd angles.

"I've made a fool of myself, haven't I?" the boss asked, his voice muffled.

I wanted to say, 'And you've only just noticed?', but I shrugged my shoulders noncommittally and said nothing.

"This is profoundly undignified," he went on, quite morose. "In fact, Sasuke-kun, I do believe this is the most embarrassing thing I have ever done in my life."

I knew the situation was serious, but, for old times' sake, I just could not let that one lie.

"Oh, I don't know," I said with a sly smile, doodling on the tabletop with my finger. "What about that photo I found of you when you were at university lying drunk in the fountain in the Public Park? That's pretty undignified. Or there was that time you got bundled into the back of a police car in Konoha outside Jiraiya's when we had that misunderstanding over Naruto? That was pretty undignified. And then there was the time when you hid in the towel cupboard from Itachi when he sabotaged our dirty weekend away. And that time you were trying to crack your knee in bed one night and ended up kneeing yourself in the face and I laughed so hard I almost wet myself."

The boss lifted his head and stared accusingly at me. I sighed. Obviously, this was not the time to be flippant.

"Look, if you're so embarrassed," I said patiently, "why did you do it? Why on earth did you do that to yourself, Orochimaru-sama? I mean, really. You could've caught hypothermia standing out in the rain like that!"

My heart squeezed as the boss's face fell, twisting into an odd expression of confusion and despair. He fidgeted for a moment, staring at his fingers, before he looked up at me, his gaze intent, almost desperate, and said, "Because I wanted to show you..."

That phrase again.

Exasperated, it was my turn to let my head fall into my hands.

"Show me what, Orochimaru-sama? That you've lost your mind?"

The boss managed a half-hearted, wry sort of laugh.

"Yes. Yes, Sasuke-kun. I suppose that'll do."

He went on.

"I miss you terribly," he said, reaching over to take my hand. As he did, butterflies made a grand entrance into my life and gave me a serious amount of internal, emotional grief. "I feel ill. I cannot sleep. I cannot concentrate. My work no longer holds any joy for me. I dream of you constantly at night when I am at rest, and when waking I dream of you too. I wander aimlessly, Sasuke-kun, and as I wander, I feel a profound sense of unreality – as though I am drifting, floating outside my own body, watching myself grieve for you and mourning my loss. It is a strange feeling, Sasuke-kun, one I have never felt before. I was not entirely sure how to deal with it, but I knew that I had to speak to you or I would go mad."

"So you decided to come here, stand outside in the howling wind and rain, embarrass me and yourself by shouting on me at the top of your lungs and breaking into my brother's home?"

"Yes."

"Okay then..."

"No, Sasuke-kun," he said, earnestly, clutching my hand in his as though it were a lifeline. "It is not okay. It is not okay at all. For I, who once loved my own life and loved it well and more than anyone, am now lost and feel with all my soul that perhaps my life is no longer worth living. It is a terrible feeling, Sasuke-kun, and I want it to stop. I cannot function without you. I need you, Sasuke-kun. I need you to function."

Every word he spoke hit me straight where it hurt. The longing I felt for him was almost physically painful. Inside, I was an absolute wreck, but I managed a casual smile and kept my cool.

"This really is all new to you, isn't it?" I said, shaking my head. "I mean really, Orochimaru-sama. People get dumped and it hurts like hell. This is normality."

The mingled look of horror, dread and distress that passed across his face would have been comical if I hadn't been so wound up myself.

"Are you dumping me, Sasuke-kun?" he whispered, his eyes wide like saucers.

Smiling ruefully, I turned my head skywards and closed my eyes. I took a deep, long breath and forced myself to think rationally. It was a long time before I made my decision. Opening my eyes and looking at the boss, I took up both his hands in mine. Despite his warm shower, they still held a bitter, residual chill.

"No..." I said quietly. "I'm not dumping you."

In that same instant, I reached for him and brought his lips to mine in a quiet kiss. The boss melted into it, compulsively wrapped an arm around my neck from across the table, and as he did, I felt his longing and was surprised by its intensity, its depth, its sincerity.

"Sasuke-kun," he muttered. "Oh, my Sasuke-kun..."

But I was not yet done.

Gently, gently, I untangled myself from his embrace and pulled away. The boss tilted to his head to one side, puzzled as to why I would wish to end his long-awaited kiss so soon. He would find out shortly. After all, I had forced myself to think rationally, had I not? And my rational mind had told me that, yes, I did want to be with him, but it also told me to set a few ground rules as collateral. I had fought hard for my freedom, and I was not about to relinquish it over a brief moment of affection.

"I'm not leaving you, Orochimaru-sama," I said, "but this is conditional."

"Very well," the boss answered, without hesitation. "Whatever conditions you choose to impose upon me, I shall abide by them without question."

"Good," I said, feeling kindly but suddenly business-like. "So first thing's first, I want you to acknowledge that Naruto is my best friend and that if you ever try to manipulate me and come between us again, I will leave you and not look back."

"Of course—"

"Secondly, I want you to personally apologise to Naruto for using what happened to his parents as ammo in a grudge match, and to Jiraiya for taking his godfatherly rights away from him. That was, quite possibly, the lowest thing you've ever done – and if I'm being honest, that's saying something."

"Very well—"

"And," I stressed, holding up a stern finger, "I want the words 'I am sorry' to feature in your apologies. "I know what you're like."

"Fine, but—"

"And I want you to apologise to Karin too," I said, overriding the boss when he opened his mouth to inform me of his compensatory actions by adding, "and I know that you have been nice and promoted Karin to general manager of the South Base, but the way you treated her was utterly disgusting – and it was, Orochimaru-sama, don't look at me like that! – so another personal apology from your own lips wouldn't go amiss there."

"Very well," he sighed. "Anything else?"

"Yes," I said firmly. "There is one more thing. You need help, Orochimaru-sama. You need medication, or counselling, or cognitive behavioural therapy or something because, really, you're nuts – scary nuts."

"Am I really that bad, Sasuke-kun?"

"You are," I said frankly. "You are possessive and authoritarian to a degree which, and I'm being honest again, regularly makes life unbearable for me. So if we're going to have any chance – any chance at all of making this work – we're getting counselling. If you don't agree to that, then the deal is off."

The boss pouted and folded his arms huffily. Spoiled brat behaviour. A flash of the old, regular Orochimaru-sama. This was more familiar territory.

"Must we, Sasuke-kun? I do not relish the thought of airing my innermost to a stranger. If I wanted to do that, I would go to a bar and get thoroughly drunk."

"A counsellor is not any ordinary listening stranger," I insisted. "A counsellor is a professionally trained, listening stranger – and we will be going to one, or the deal is off. Yes?"

The boss sighed and shrugged his shoulders, suddenly looking very tired.

"Fine, Sasuke-kun," he said, waving a hand absently. "I will have it arranged."

"Good. Kiss to seal it?"

The boss smiled, nodded and leaned in. Our lips touched, and the deal was done. I felt a sudden, warm rush of happiness. The boss was here. After all the crap, after all the tears, scary fights and cheating and hardship and cleaning and lonely nights, he was here with me – and most importantly of all, he was finally listening. I felt light as air, as though a great weight had lifted from my shoulders, as though I were on the verge of something new and unknown – possibly scary, possibly difficult – but ultimately wonderful.

"So what do you want to do?" I asked him, stroking the backs of his hands. "Do you want something to eat? There're plenty of leftovers."

The boss's lip curled.

"No. No thank you," he said vehemently. "I must confess I'm feeling a little ill. The thought of food turns my stomach."

"When did you last eat?" I asked, giving him a severe look. I gave him ten seconds to answer, and when it was clear he couldn't remember, I added, "Well, if you have to think about it, then you've not been eating enough."

"Sasuke-kun, I just want to go to bed. I am so very, very tired..."

"Alright," I said, taking his hand. "Come on upstairs. I'll show you my room. You can sleep in my bed."

"Thank you, Sasuke-kun," the boss said gratefully.

"But don't think you're getting away without eating. I'm going to bring you something up!"

By the time I returned with the food, the boss was already curled up in bed. At some point, Mallory must have scuttled upstairs and sneaked in to join him, as he was lying at the bottom of the bed, purring away like a little furry machine. Shaking my head amusedly, I laid the plate on the nightstand, in case he woke up and was hungry, and I shuffled in beside him. He wouldn't move at first, so I had to give him an extra nudge. When he realised I was there, he smiled a sleepy smile and threw his arm around me, pulling me close. I did not resist. I didn't have to. Not anymore.

For a long time, we simply lay there together, dozing, our foreheads touching and our feet crossed at the bottom of the bed. His hair was still wet and the pillow was damp from absorbing it, but I didn't care. Occasionally, the boss would plant a faint kiss on my forehead, or I would give him an extra, comforting squeeze – nothing more than that. Then, out of the blue, the boss stirred and whispered something in my ear that made my heart skip a beat because I had never before heard from him that particular phrase.

"Sasuke-kun?" he murmured, his eyes closed.

"Hmm?"

"I'm sorry."

It was a while before I recovered myself enough to answer, and I thought the boss might have fallen asleep by the time I did.

"That's okay," I said. "Just don't do it again, or I swear I'll rip your nuts off."

"Is that a promise?"

"That's a promise."

The boss smiled and buried his head into my shoulder. It wasn't long before he was deep in sleep, twitching and moaning and chattering nonsense as he always has done (and probably always will do. I feel I'm going to have to just put up with his eccentric sleeping habits if I really am intent on sticking it out.)

Sitting here, watching him... it's been a long time since I've felt so at peace with the world – which is ironic, really, since the boss is also the one person who can make me feel like ending it all. Hopefully, though, from now on there will be less of the latter. I don't know why, but I feel like this time... there really has been a breakthrough. I know now for certain that I truly mean something to him – something for which he is willing to fight and make compromises. Well, I say that. He's not entirely comfortable with the idea of compromise yet (I know that we have a long way to go) but he has taken the first step, and that he has taken said step means more to me than all his pretty words ever could.

I also now know for certain that he truly means something to me, and for the record, I'm going to put this out there.

I love him.

There. I said it. Not out loud, of course. Oh no. Never out loud. That would not do. I'm going to keep that little kernel of feeling inside and wear it like a talisman. And maybe, just maybe, when he earns it, I'll tell him. Unless he does something again to make me feel like strangling him, which is pretty likely since it's the boss. I'll have to be very careful with it, because once said, it cannot be taken back. We'll see how it goes.

One step at a time...

LATER:

1:02am

From one of Itachi's graphic novels.

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"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable.
It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defences, you build up a whole suit of armour, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...

You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore."

Rose Walker, in SANDMAN #65: "The Kindly Ones:9"

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AN: Okay, so I was really nervous about this chapter. I still am. There was a lot I wanted to get across in it, but not totally spell it out, if you know what I mean, because there's a sort of Sasuke-filter in this story and he can't possibly know everything. I only hope it came through okay and that Sasuke's decision does make sense. -angst- Originally, I had planned for a lot more to be included in this chapter, but I had to split it in two, as I wanted to do the 'what happens next' justice. So you'll get a certain someone's reaction next chapter (so don't worry, I haven't forgotten.) Also, I guess I'd just like to let all you fanfic writers and artists know that the OroSasu fanclub on Naruto Fan forums is having a competition. Categories have still to be decided, but you can submit previous creations to the competition, so get choosing or writing your best OroSasu stuff. Details will be posted shortly on the OroSasu FC on Naruto forums. I'll put up a link on my profile. :)

Now on with the thank-yous!

Dooki (Lol, I think your reaction to the last chapter was the same as a lot of people's. You're right, I did make it pretty dark. It was planned to be quite dark, but I did not realise just how low it would sink emotionally from Sasuke's point of view. If you can believe it, I actually depressed myself writing it, and that does not happen very often. Hopefully, you won't need ice-cream to calm your nerves this chapter. )

NaruGuru (Oh, I am so sorry about last chapter! I wanted to tell you that everything would be okay, but I didn't want to spoil it. I know you're not sure about Oro and Sauce getting back together, but Sasuke knows what he's doing. Their relationship has sunk to its lowest, and it has taken that for Oro to realise that he cannot control everything Sasuke does. He knows that now, knows also what Sasuke means to him, and is beginning to realise that compromise is important. And, to ease your mind, Oro would not have raped Sauce. Never, never, never. He said it way back in chapter 30, he would "always ask first". He just lost it a bit, that's all. He would have let Sasuke go.)

NayanRoo (I am very jealous of your anthropology classes - writing a paper on Santeria sounds fascinating. And yeah... last chapter was pretty damned difficult to write. It was fun, but in that strange, sick way where you're so in the zone you don't even realise what you're writing until you hit the submit button and then you sit back and go... oh my god. I swear I depressed myself writing it. Though I must comment on your review where you said "scenes that I've written that have or will appear in fics". This "will appear" doesn't relate to Shadowplay, does it? Because, seriously, I'm really worried for Oro. I will cry if he dies. Honestly. Also, the OroSasu FC over at NarutoForums is having an OroSasu contest. Fanfic is included and you can submit previously written stuff. Fancy entering? -hinthinthint-)

Chromde (Oh wow... I'm so glad you liked the last chapter. It was very emotional, yes yes yes. I seriously ended up depressing myself writing it. I suppose that's writers' karma for torturing my characters. And that little bit with Kiku cuddling Kylie... yeah, I don't even know why I added that bit in. It just popped into the scene as it played out in my head. You're right, actually. It does kind of make the scene that bit more real, somehow. God, I hope this chapter was okay.)

BWAHAHAHA (So it was you, maniacally laughing stranger! Once I reveal your true identity, I shall report you to the voodoo council. They frown upon unlicenced voodooing, you know.)

LadyRouge214 (Madara is sick. He stirs the pot and then he sits back and laughs. A proper scumbag, he is...)

Nozomi-sama (Oh, I'm sorry for making you have a capslock response, and for breaking your heart with last chapter. I depressed myself writing it, I swear, and felt so bad for Oro and Sauce, you have no idea. And yes, Sasuke does obviously still love Oro very much. He was fighting it all through thirty-nine - and I think that's what made the whole situation so much worse for him. He did not want to leave, but knew he had to. Oh, the sadness!)

eerabbit (Thank you. :) And I do pretty much have a plan that I stick to now (although, that said, I just had to divide the material for this chapter into two. There was too much and I wanted to do the rest justice.)

hieilover135 (I know... I think Oro shocked everyone last chapter. He just didn't realise how much Sasuke meant to him until he lost him. I realise Kimi's opinion has been absent for a while, but next chapter, you'll get it in spades. And the Straight-Edge Club is a bit of a dig at the real life, emo scene counter-culture the kids have got going on. When you say you're straight edge, it means you're emo/goth/whatever but have no alcohol, no drugs and no sex. There's loads of stuff about it online. And Itachi is not going blind in this fic, fear not. :))

Kana Haruka (Oh, thank you so much for taking the time to review. It's always appreciated, really it is. :) I'm glad you liked the chapter, even though it made you want to punch Oro. I just hope this chapter lives up to the story after the rollercoaster that was last chapter. Eek, I'm still worried. :( Though I'm more worried about those voodoo pins, lol.)

Bri (I'm sorry I made you depressed, lol. If it makes you feel any better, I totally made myself depressed too. I hit submit and then I was like "... well, damn." And then I was down for about three days. I didn't even want to think about writing, which totally never happens. Damn Oro and Sauce for getting to me! And to answer your question, yeah, Oro has finally realised just how much the Sauce means to him - and more importantly, he's willing to change aspects of his behaviour to make what he has with the Sauce work. Oh, Oro!)

Neko Oni (Wow, you printed the last two chapters out and read them on the bus? Dang, that must've taken a lot of paper! XD Oh, I'm glad you liked Hidan. I love making fun of that guy. He's another great, little humour mill, he really is. I loved the way the anime team portrayed him and Kakuzu. I was almost sad to see them go, they were great villains. And yeah, there was a shade of feeling there on the couch on Oro's part when he thought 'Wait, what the hell am I doing to him?' So it wasn't that weird to think it was a bit romantic. XD)

Luna-Lunak (Oh, your review almost made me tear. You were so, so, so, so right, and you summed up their entire relationship so well. They do love each other, and it is so strong that they really cannot contain it, even though they want to - but up until now, their stubborn pride has been getting in the way. Slowly, they're beginning to realise just how much they mean to one another, and what they're willing to do to be with one another. This will be important, as there is one final matter to be resolved before the end.)

Loxes (Thanks very much for taking the time to review. It's always appreciated. :) And yeah, the last chapter was pretty intense. Too intense, maybe, because I ended up depressing and exhausting myself. You know where you're having so much fun writing, but it's a sick kind of fun, and you're so in the zone you don't know what you're doing until you finish and then you go "well... damn." Yeah, that was me. XD Hope this chapter was okay.)

Violet203 (Ahhh... I figured it was you. And yeah, quite a lot of people seemed to hate Oro with the power of a thousand suns last chapter. XD No wonder, though. He was acting like a total arse. It's interesting you picked up on the 'almost human' part of him right at the end of thirty-nine. This chapter sort of follows on from that and takes it a bit further. I never noticed that, actually...)

Roxanne Morinaka (Oh my god... the image of Oro beating his chest and hauling Sasuke about by the hair made me lol so hard, I cannot tell you. XD And yeah, the fight with Naruto really was sad. I depressed myself writing it. How pathetic is that? XD)

yumechan3 (Wow... thanks so much for your review, especially since you're over-burdened with work and don't really have much time. That the tone of the story has changed... yes. You are quite right. It definitely has, and I think that's a product of this essentially being a serialised story. I didn't have a concrete plan at first, and, like yourself, I thought of it as enjoyable fluff which was fun for me to write. But then the story started to mean something to me, the characters started to mean something to me, too - and when that happened, the shit that I had planned for them to endure became shittier, the stakes were raised, and the tone of the story changed as a result. About your confusion with Sauce's sort of vacillating behaviour regarding Oro in thirty-nine... well, maybe that's my fault because I haven't really portrayed them in "downtime" mode, and, when I look back, maybe I should have. Also, Sasuke really does love Oro, and all through thirty-eight and nine, he was fighting his very strong feelings for Oro - a sort of head versus heart moment. Then, on the couch, his heart won momentarily, and he was reeled back in by Oro and thoughts of the good times, the safe times, the quiet moments where he and Oro were just hanging out, being with one another. But he is sensible, and he knew that he had to get away, to win his freedom and show Oro he meant business, even though it killed him to do it. I guess that was what was going on. Sorry if that doesn't make sense. :) Also, Jiraiya ran away with Naruto because, and maybe this was too subtle, but back in the hospital when he told Naruto about his parents, Naruto asked who did it and Jiraiya hesitated and said he didn't know. The hesitation was him being economical with the truth. He did know, but didn't want to tell Naruto because it would ruin his friendship with Sauce. Wow... what a wall of text, I've written! XD I hope this chapter was okay. It was planned for them to patch it up, but they are going to have to work at it. I promise! :))

AriesRaccoonRebi (Hey! Name change ahoy! :D And I know.... OMGWTFBBQ was totally the standard reaction to thirty-nine. It was a chapter of much sadness. I totally depressed myself writing it. And probably you and Bri, too. XD I do apologise. And happy birthday again (though I said it on LJ! XD) Eighteen means a lot of things in a lot of countries. Especially applied to you, it means you can have a drink or two in England without having to resort to a fake ID! Yay! :D)

For Whom (I still love your username, by the way. Tis most excellent. But yes, I'm glad you liked Oro's vast influence and power finally backfiring onto Sasuke. I had been hinting at it for a while now (and obviously you totally picked up on it XD) but Oro totally let him have it to the extent that I surprised myself, even though I had the plan. As for Itachi... he is not very happy. He has his suspicions that Sauce is going to take Oro back, but he does not yet know it definitively. He will by next chapter, though. ;))

x3Hayden (Why, thank you! :D -basks in confetti- I wonder how far you are into the story, though? XD)

YoungSasuke (Again, your perceptiveness makes me fear I shall have to be more ninja-like in future. I think your aim to switch to a psychology degree is a pretty good move. You could be like Neji, and analyse everyone and everything you come into contact with, with a fatalistic cynicism that belies your young appeareance. Actually, watching a thriller drama with Neji would be a pain in the ass. He'd guess the ending right at the start and spoil it for everyone. But, yes... as for raising the question as to how Oro will cope without the Sauce? This chapter sort of answered it: not very well. XD)

Austeria (Aasdlfkjlskdfjlsdjf;;!! I know! :( I even depressed myself writing the last chapter, and that hardly ever happens. I cannot believe a part of you wishes for more shit hitting more fans, lol - I don't think I could take it myself (but there will be a sprinkling of drama next chapter when a particular someone makes an appearance. It would have been dealt with in this chapter, but I wanted to do it justice, so I split this one in two.) And I read your fic. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. It was really good. :))

Chann (Heyyy, Chan! :D Glad to see you're still here, even after all the heart-wrenching drama, lol. Though it seems you're a sucker for a bit of angst, so that's good (otherwise you probably would have got the hell out!) It's interesting that you said Oro went from someone you love to laugh at to someone who has a deep and interesting personality. I wonder if that's a product of Sasuke finally realising just how much Oro means to him? I mean, at first, the relationship was all bickering, fun and games, but now the gave has been raised and there is real love at stake here. Either that, or it's a product of the tone of the story changing slightly because of that. Or maybe a bit of both. Who knows, lol?)

Shadow Bannana (Yay! A new reader and reviewer! Seriously, thanks so much for taking the time to review. It's much appreciated. :) And it took you two days to finish it? XD Actually, that's probably about right. This fic has turned into an absolute monster. Come to think of it, I just checked on the net and it's longer than the average novel. How in the hell? XD Oh well, not much longer till the end, anyway, so you turned up at the right time. And yes, Oro was quite psychotic in the last chapter. He was pretty psychotic this chapter too, but at least he was being nice to Sauce. Oh, Oro...)

Gerkyhen (Ha ha, I loved how your reviews sort of progressed from "Well, this is quite cool. A bit of lolz here and there" to "Holy hell, Oro is a psycho! Please tell me Karin will be okay???" The answer to your question, obviously, is that Karin is okay. Oro, via the medium of his intense guilt over the loss of his Sauce, has made amends in a particularly Oroish fashion, and Karin is okay about it - because, really, she knows she is lucky to still have her job and her friends and all that stuff. :) Thanks for taking the time to review, by the way. It's always much appreciated. :))

DragonMorticia (Oh no no no no no! Please don't consign Oro to the bad books, I coudn't bear it! Oro needs more love! He is my most favourite Naruto character! I know he screwed up and all, but he has begun the process of redeeming himself, little by little, and Sauce has realised this and has rewarded him appropriately. I do apologise for making you cry last chapter. For once, I was actually feeling the pain along with you guys. I made myself depressed after the end of last chapter. Obviously writers' karma coming to bite me in the ass for putting Oro, Sauce and the rest through all that hell. XD I hope you liked this chapter, and that you didn't need all those Kleenex in the end. :))

shinobi of the sound (Thank you! I loved writing that chapter, actually. In terms of 'writing fun levels', out of this whole fic, thirty-four was actually pretty near the top.)

Insomniac Owl (That... is an awesome idea. I wish I'd thought of it earlier. Sasuke might have went along with it, but I think Kimi's hatred of our intrepid hero, the Sauce Meister, is so strong that he would not have went near him, even if Oro had ordered him to. But seriously, someone should pick that idea up for a fic. It has bucketloads of angsty potential. :D By the way, ShallowMind (aka Morphine) on Naruto Forums runs the OroSasu FC, and we're thinking about having a competition. Fanfic is included. You can submit previously written material. Care to enter? -hinthinthint- And if you're in contact with any other OroSauce fans, could you spread the word? The FC needs all the love it can get. :) Also, Liar by Rollins Band is awesome. I am glad you like! :D)

ShallowMind (Yay! I finally get to reply to your review! :D I'm sorry this monster of a fic almost got you grounded. It is far too long, lol. I think it may almost be as long as longcat. XD As for your four points, yeah... I'm glad you like. The journal style is so easy to write with, although there are a few restraints that sometimes make it hard for me - like I cannot outright describe the thoughts and emotions of others. Sasuke always has to assume. That's why I had to write thirty-four in the way I did. The characterisation... well... I did my best to keep them vaguely in-character right from the beginning. It's part of the fun actually. The only one I had trouble with, for some reason, was Kakashi, but I can always go back and edit. Thanks so much for the reviews, btw. They're always much appreciated. :))

AnilmathielGreenleaf (Lol, I cannot imagine how you must have felt, being a couple of chapters behind and then presented with the chaotic, dark, hurricane of angst that was thirty-eight and nine! XD I imagine "...wtf?" was used quite a bit, as the story did a bit of slapping and baby-shaking on you, lol. I'm glad you liked it, though. Like, really. I was a bit worried that everyone would be after my blood, lol. But like you said, the going against the grain was necessary, because Oro had to realise how much his Sauce means to him. Awww... XD I hope this chapter was okay. I'm worried about this one too! -fret-)

Whew! All thank-yous done and dusted! Hope you guys liked this chapter. :)