A Day in the Life

by Ada Kensington

Uchiha Sasuke keeps a diary during his employment at Otogakure Enterprises. A great, big bucket of moreish crack.

43. Chapter 43

A Day in the Life

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AN: For Insomniac Owl. Late, but better than never, right? I hope it's not totally shit. I'm still getting back into it.

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LATER:
7:20pm

For a moment, I was going to make the following stunningly obvious statement: that I am still in hospital. It was so stunningly obvious, however, that I stunned myself with my stupidity and therefore felt the need to punish myself by recording it. Of course I am still in hospital. I almost died of an epidural haematoma. I have a broken ankle, head-staples and severe, painful bruising. It's fair to say I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. Well, not for a few days yet.

The first words that came out of my mouth when I saw Dr Tenma (that's the guy who operated on me) were, "When can I go home?" He laughed and said, "Patience, Uchiha-san."

But as you know, patience is not really my strong point, so I kept pushing him until he gave me some numbers. About three to seven days is the average, apparently, but he thinks that I might come in at the later end of the release scale, considering the severity of my injuries. And that's fine. Now that I have my laptop – courtesy of Itachi, who kindly dropped it off a few hours ago – I can handle a week-long stay in hospital without any bother at all. In fact, I'm damned glad I have the laptop, otherwise – to hell with the head trauma – I'd have died of boredom by now. Absolutely died.

It kind of hurts to type with the drip in, but I'm starting to build my tolerance. No pain, no gain. Of course, I'm not allowed to use the net, but I'm working on it. Sakura's mum is the main obstacle, but my master plan of wearing her down over the course of a few days with incessant whining and nagging is sure to be a winner.

After all, she didn't kick up a fuss when Itachi brought me my laptop – all I had to do was promise I wouldn't turn on my wi-fi, and that I would only be using it for word-processing. In a heartbeat, I said yes. It is so much easier to write entries with a full keyboard, rather than fooling around with the tiny, touch screen buttons on my iphone (which I have been banned from using until the doctors say so, by the way – no 'best friend's mother style favours' on that front.)

My brother, of course, turned up not long after the boss when the news that I had finally woken up went round the hospital like wildfire. Leaving me with a kiss on the forehead, the boss had gone to find Dr Tenma to let him know I was compos mentis, and I was left chatting to Sakura's mum.

I say chatting; it was more a series of negotiations regarding the use of my iphone – and when I was in the middle of requesting, with more than a hint of whine that I could always turn on airplane mode, which was met with a very mumish "No, Sasuke. Now, don't ask again," I saw, out of the corner of my eye, my brother standing at the door, leaning on the frame with his arms folded. I hadn't laid eyes on him since the awful incident at Christmas, and my insides did a nervous, little flip. He was wearing a black waterproof jacket, beaded with raindrops, black lounge pants and trainers, and he had a large backpack slung over one shoulder. He was smiling. My heart squeezed.

Sakura's mum must've noticed my surprise (and the sudden cessation of my whining), for she turned round, clocked my brother, and said, "Oh hello there, Itachi. Nice to see you again." This before adding, in a typically casual nurse-like manner of showing where the power lay, "Visiting hours are over, you know... but I'll let it slide this time."

She winked at my brother, and he inclined his head gratefully.

"Thank you, Haruno-san," he said. "I appreciate that it is late in the day."

"Not for me," she snorted – her expression reminding me strongly of Sakura in that moment. "I'm on double-shifts this week. Aren't you lucky?"

"I suppose so," Itachi said, smiling. "Though perhaps you aren't?"

"Yes and no, Itachi," she replied, picking up the empty sweet-wrappers from the boss's camp bed. "I'd rather not be working, and to be perfectly honest, it wasn't the best feeling in the world when Keiyo came running down to the break room saying that my daughter had been brought in from a car wreck in the back of an ambulance..." She sighed, and straightened up, leaning over to deposit the sweet-wrappers in the little bin next to the sink. "But it is nice to be able to take care of her – and Naruto and Sasuke too. I know all my girls on the ward would do their best for them, but if I were sitting at home, I'd just worry myself sick."

She paused for a moment to look at her watch, then added with a wry smile, "And it seems it's time to get a bed ready for that nutter that's just come in. Was cutting himself in the Public Park in front of children this afternoon!" She shook her head. "Causing the doctors all sorts of bother all day and now they want to keep him in for testing and there're no beds left in psychatric. Honestly! I keep telling them it's ICU, not Fun Fun Street."

"Well!" Sakura's mum said briskly, clapping her hands. "I'd best get on. I'll leave you two to it, shall I?"

"O-Okay..." I said, my voice faltering a little, as Itachi had caught my eye and he was smiling at me – smiling like I remember him when we were kids and he'd come home from university and make me dinner and he'd sit across the table and listen to me going on and on about all the stupid things that had happened at school that day. For a moment, he was my big brother from all those years ago: whom I took for granted a little bit, and who pissed me off with his perfectness, but who I loved more than anyone else in the world. I wasn't expecting it, so it threw me off guard and sort of got into my heart and made it hurt.

When Sakura's mum left, Itachi stood there for a moment, just watching me, his arms folded, smiling, until I could take it no longer and croaked out, "Itachi... what...?"

— and in a heartbeat, he had crossed the floor and I was wrapped in a tight hug.

Itachi didn't say anything. He never does when these sorts of things happen. It seemed he just wanted to hug me. Again, this was completely unexpected, and I went through a rather distressing time trying to retain my dignity whilst snivelling into the shoulder of my brother's wet jacket.

"Itachi, your jacket's all wet!" I protested, my vision clouding with tears as I weakly tried to push him away. "Itachi, seriously, you're soaking me! It's not funny, get off! Itachi, fucking hell, my bruises!"

That last one did it, and I felt him pull away, his hands sliding onto my shoulders and lingering there as he regarded me with a more solemn expression, more normal for Itachi. I felt a bit better then, and was able to compose myself, wiping my face with the back of my hand (the one that didn't have the IV drip in. It tugs. I hate it. I want it to fuck off and die.) Itachi took a moment to search my face, as though making sure that everything he remembered about me was still there. Everything must've been to his liking, as he smiled again and said, "Sasuke... how are you feeling?"

"Awesome," I snapped, sarcasm dripping from every syllable as I wiped the last of the tears from my eyes. "My head hurts like hell, my scalp has been stapled closed and I have a huge fucking chunk missing from my hair. I have multiple, purple bruises that throb more than anything that has ever throbbed before, I have a goddamned needle stuck in my arm that likes to tug whenever I breathe, and I'm wearing a hideously unflattering hospital nightgown that is rough and has been rubbing my nipples raw. Yeah, Itachi. I feel great!"

My brother gave me a funny look, a mixture of exasperation and amusement. Then he shook his head, saying, "You are already back to your normal, abrasive self, I see. I am not entirely sure whether that is a good thing..."

"Oh my god, Itachi, you'd better be joking," I threatened, fixing him with a baleful glare. "And look who's talking, with you coming over and hugging me and being all weird."

"Sasuke, I am your big brother, and I have been sorely, sorely worried about you for the past three days," Itachi admonished. "I am allowed to hug you, I am allowed to joke, and I am allowed to tell you off—"

"Here we go," I muttered.

"Yes, Sasuke – and you will listen to me," he insisted, as I turned moodily to stare out the window at the snow that was still falling outside. "Now, I remember vividly coming to this hospital the day you were born. It was July, the sun was shining, and I had had a nice day at school, and I was walking home with Shisui and we both had ice-cream cones. I remember having barely knocked on the door, when father rushed out to greet me, grinning from ear to ear. He said, "Quick, Itachi! Your mother is in hospital. Do you want to go meet your baby brother?"

"I was bundled into the car, not even changed out of my uniform, and we sped over to the hospital. We made it just in time for your birth. Father was there at mother's bedside, holding her hand, or whatever it is fathers do when their children are being born. I, however, was too young, and was told to wait outside.

"To be honest, Sasuke, I was not entirely sure that I wanted to meet you at first. I was ambivalent on the prospect of you coming into my life, because I had been told by other classmates at school who had younger siblings that our parents would ignore me once you were born and would lavish attention upon you instead. I did not particularly want that to happen, so when father came out to fetch me, I was prepared to resent you.

"When I saw you, however, lying there in mother's arms, a little tuft of black hair poking out from a white blanket and little fists beating the air as you screamed for something you could not yet articulate... you seemed so tiny and funny and helpless that I knew you could never be a threat to me, would never want to be – and when father nudged me forward and told me to say hello to you, I wandered across to mother and was allowed to get up onto the bed beside her and hold you. As soon as mother placed you into my arms... it was very strange, Sasuke... but you looked up at me and you stopped crying for a moment and I smiled at you and you smiled back."

"Are you sure I smiled?" I said innocently. "Because I'm pretty sure babies don't actually smile until they're at least a few weeks old. The nurse told me that when Kylie was born. I was probably farting on you."

"Sasuke..." my brother scolded, his face twisting momentarily with disgust.

"What! I couldn't help it. I was just a baby. You should be proud to have borne witness to my first fart!"

Itachi cast me a withering look, ignored my deliberate attempt to wind him up, and followed all this by saying something extraordinary in his deadpan, matter-of-fact tone that made me love my big brother more than I ever have in my life.

"At any rate," he said, "I came here to say hello to you, Sasuke, all those years ago. I never thought I would have to return to say goodbye. You are my little brother. The thought of losing you – the only real family I have left – is... well, I can only say that when Orochimaru came flying out of the operating theatre in a state, believing you were lost to him... I could not accept it. Would not accept it. Not my little brother. Not Sasuke."

Itachi turned to me and smiled, and it was all I could do not to burst into tears. My lip was trembling and – I am ashamed to say it – there was a little bit of snot glistening on my upper lip.

"But I could not do anything about it. No one could do anything about it. So I sat, and I waited. But I did not give up hope – not once – and when the message arrived from Dr Tenma to say that you were not quite gone yet... I was certain that you would pull through.

"And here you are," he added. "Sitting up in bed and tormenting me with talk of... emissions and worrying incessantly about your hair."

"I'm sorry," I said quietly.

"Do not apologise, Sasuke—" Itachi began, pausing a moment when the boss strode into the room, took one look at my brother and studiously ignored him, flopping down in his camp bed and immersing himself in a puzzle book he had obviously brought back from a journey to the shop. "It is not your fault. Just don't do it again, do you understand me?"

"Don't do what? Talk about farts or accidentally die?"

"Neither."

"Okay," I said, laughing a little. "I'll try not to."

"Good."

"But I am sorry - for farting on you when I was born, I mean," I said, and the pages of the boss's puzzle book twitched aside to reveal his rather comical expression of appalled curiosity.

"What?" he mouthed, but I winked at him, indicating I would tell him later – and then I winced, because my wink muscles tugged at my head-staples. [Note to self: no winking.]

Itachi just sighed in a put-upon manner and reached for his backpack that he had left lying at the side of the bed. As he unzipped it, he called out, "I really don't think you deserve this, Sasuke—"

"OH MY GOD, ITACHI, MY LAPTOP! GIMME, GIMME, GIMME!" I squealed, reaching for it with joyous abandon.

Shaking his head amusedly, Itachi handed it over, and I swear to you I was so happy I actually held it to my chest for a moment and gently rocked it. Please don't judge me on this. Laptops are excellent things, and mine is definitely my favourite material possession. Obviously, Mallory doesn't count, since my adorable fluffy one is sentient and everyone knows cats don't really belong to anyone anyway.

"Now you must listen to me, Sasuke..." Itachi began, but I was still enjoying my laptop. "Sasuke, are you listening—? Would you stop hugging your laptop? Thank you. Now, the only reason you have permission to use your laptop is because I made a promise on your behalf..."

"What's that?" I asked, slightly wary, thinking of awful 'computer time' style compromises in which I would only be allowed on for an hour or so. In the end, it wasn't so bad.

"The promise I made was that you will switch off your wi-fi until Dr Tenma gives you permission to turn it back on again," Itachi answered. "There is equipment in here that may be interfered with by the signals from your laptop."

"Yeah, yeah, that's cool," I said, having already opened up my beloved computer and switched it on. "I don't mind not being able to go on the net, just as long as I can write in my—"

I paused briefly, because a horrible thought had chosen that moment to invade my brain and had triggered its sensitive paranoia alarm. Beside me, my brother tilted his head curiously to one side and said, "As long as you can what, Sasuke?"

"You didn't read anything on this thing, did you?" I asked him, eyeing my brother suspiciously.

"No, Sasuke," he answered honestly. "I have not even turned it on."

Then the boss's voice called out from the camp bed, "Sasuke-kun, you do not need to worry your pretty head about a thing. Your brother clearly doesn't have the faintest clue about your diary."

"Diary...?" Itachi said slowly, the realisation dawning that he had missed an absolutely golden opportunity to read and know every excruciating detail of my life over the past three years or so. As you well know by now, my big brother is extremely over-protective. He definitely would've read it – and then likely passed off the horrendous invasion of privacy as making sure I wasn't getting up to any mischief.

"Yes. Really," I said, smugly. "And there's no way in hell you're getting your hands on it now. Besides," I added, "the folder it's in is password protected."

"Unfortunately true..." the boss said, laconically, as he wrote down another answer in his crossword.

"Well, I do not particularly wish to read your diary," my brother lied (and he was totally lying when he said that.) "All I want to know is that you will not turn on your wi-fi, and that when I find Dr Tenma, I can assure him that you agreed to his conditions."

"Itachi, I solemnly swear I will not turn on my wi-fi," I said, with as much mock insincerity as I could muster. (I am a complex individual, you see, for not only can I perform textbook examples of mock sincerity – even after brain surgery – I can also undertake stunning displays of mock insincerity. On the surface, these two acts of sarcasm appear similar, but in reality mean very different things. It is very important to be able to distinguish between the two, otherwise arguments and fall-outs may swiftly follow.)

"Excellent," Itachi said, his mind already elsewhere as soon as I had uttered my promise. He stood up and looked as though he was going to leave, and I had a brief moment of angst, because I did not want him to.

"Itachi, are you going already?" I said, trying to keep the disappointment from colouring my tone and failing miserably.

"Oh no, don't go..." the boss called out from behind his puzzle book, his tone flat, colourless and chock-full to the brim with sublime indifference. I glared at him, but he never noticed.

"I am only going to find Dr Tenma, Sasuke," Itachi replied. "Do not worry."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"You won't get a call from work and be forced to fly out to god knows where at short notice and work for forty-eight hours with no breaks?"

"Highly unlikely, Sasuke."

"Oh. Right..."

I couldn't help but feel a warm rush of happiness then – even though I knew I shouldn't get my hopes up.

"So... how long are you staying?" I asked tentatively.

"As long as you like, Sasuke," my brother said, with a small smile, and after a pause, adding, "in fact, here..." He took off his black jacket, still beaded with melted snowflake droplets and hung it on the coat-stand in the corner. "You may hold my jacket to ransom, if you like – in trust that I shall return."

"Fine then," I said, grinning. "I'll hold you to that. If you don't come back, I'll find a scalpel, and it's curtains."

"What if I call you and pretend to be Madara?" the boss chipped in from the camp-bed, flipping a page of his book with studied nonchalance.

"Would you shut up?" I snapped, annoyed that I had just woken up and the boss was starting already and that my reunion with my brother – delayed because of the car-wreck – would be ruined because of it.

But Itachi surprised me by not only tolerating the boss's jibes, but by also being civil.

"I would know it was you without a doubt, Orochimaru," Itachi replied pleasantly, "for you are absolutely awful at impressions. Now, I am going down to the shop. Is there anything either of you need?"

As I sat there, propped up on my pillows and gaping in absolute astonishment, the boss peered over his book at Itachi. His expression was slightly wary, and when he spoke, it was as though he were testing the water, to see if Itachi would acquiesce.

"Another biro, because I'm having to carve my answers into the page with this one and it will not do," he said.

"Very well—"

"Have you brought your car?"

"I have."

"Then I would like a large cup of tea please. Green tea. Preferably from Starbucks. There is one open twenty-four hours next to the modern art gallery."

"That's perfectly fine. I feel like a coffee myself. Would you like anything Sasuke?"

"Fluids only. And that means water," the boss interjected haughtily, pointing at the white-board above my bed.

"I feel kind of sick," I said truthfully. "Like, if I drank anything, I'd throw up everywhere. Maybe later?"

Itachi nodded. "Very well. I will be back shortly."

"Remember... I have your jacket," I said waving a finger in warning.

Itachi smiled, shouldered his backpack and walked off out into the corridor.

"What the hell is the matter with your brother?" the boss asked incredulously, watching Itachi walk past the window with an expression that said he expected him to turn round at any moment and say, "Actually, I was only kidding about Starbucks. I'm here to stamp you to death!"

"I really don't know," I said, thoughtfully. "Maybe he's just... glad I'm not dead? And he's nice to you because he's glad I'm not dead?"

The boss turned the concept over in his mind and shrugged. I could tell he was not entirely satisfied with it.

"Maybe, maybe not," he said. "Either way, it is entirely unlike him. "

"Not entirely unlike him," I corrected. "He used to be nice sometimes before he started working for Akatsuki. Before he met you!" I added, with a grin.

"Are you trying to suggest, Sasuke-kun, that I was the one who turned your brother into a soulless automaton?"

"Well… he was always a bit Terminator-like," I conceded, "but… he wasn't soulless. At all. He never has been. He's just a bit... repressed. But not really because he's sort of like that anyway? It's hard to explain. And my head hurts, so I don't want to," I added morosely, the accompanying pout slipping out before I could stop it.

"Do you need more painkillers?" the boss asked, sitting up and swinging his legs over the edge of the camp bed, vacating it in favour of the chair next to my bed. "You have a morphine drip."

He took my hand and I gave it a squeeze.

"Meh, I think I'll be okay just now," I said, a small smile forming despite the headache. "I'd rather be lucid. I'll wait and abuse it later."

"Very well," the boss said, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and giving me a peck on the cheek. I moaned about it and pushed him away because it hurt my bruises, but I secretly enjoyed it.

We ended up having a weird conversation about how wonderful opiates are and the boss told me that they have been used for medicinal, religious and recreational purposes for thousands of years, though for a long time their use was restricted to the priesthood. It was interesting – a typically boss-like conversation – and I was so absorbed, I didn't even need the morphine in the end – I just sort of forgot about the pain. It was nice. We were just talking, chatting, like we always do, and for a second I even managed to forget about the car accident.

He was in the middle of a flow, telling me about the ubiquitous (and perfectly legal!) opium dens that used to clutter the side streets of downtown Otogakure around two-hundred years ago, when I felt an odd little flutter of affection and took his hand. It was like I'd shaken him awake or something, because he stopped talking and started staring as if he'd only just noticed me.

"Umm... opium dens?" I ventured, when the long pause had long since crossed the border into awkward territory.

Instead of being normal and carrying on the conversation, the boss sighed and sort of slid off the chair onto his knees beside my bed and buried his head in my blankets.

"Sasuke..." he said quietly, "my Sasuke-kun..."

"Umm... yeah," I said, a little freaked-out. "That's me. Sasuke. My name's on the board above the bed, haha."

"I thought I'd lost you."

A pang of guilt led me to smile and stroke the ends of his hair I could reach.

"Hey, look. Don't be stupid, okay?" I said briskly. "I'm here, I'm not dead and I'm talking to you, my brain appears to be functioning and everything's—"

I broke off for a moment, to make sure the boss was doing what I thought he was doing. This confirmed, I then added, "Are you sniffing me?"

The boss's muffled reply came after a long moment.

"... maybe."

"Oh," I said, lamely. Then I had a thought.

"What do I smell like? Is it bad?" I asked, honestly wanting to know because I obviously hadn't been able to wash in days. Even though this was clearly not my fault, the prospect of any nurses tending to me having caught stinky whiffs of coma-induced B.O. is deeply embarrassing.

The boss took another long, slow sniff before announcing his verdict.

"It smells to me like an odd mixture of hospital and locker-room. Not particularly pleasant," he said, looking up and grinning at me, "but I will take what I can get at the moment."

Something at the back of my mind told me that the boss had probably needed that grin. Therefore, even though my staples tugged and made my head hurt, I adopted a tone of mock outrage and demanded, "So, what, I've been unconscious for three days and you haven't even taken the opportunity to naked sponge-bath me? What is wrong with you? Get that sponge out and start scrubbing!"

Almost instantly, the boss dissolved into a fit of laughter. I felt a welcome rush of relief. I remembered what Jiraiya had told me about what the boss had done when he thought I'd died and I felt horrible – like, I had done that to him. But when I heard him laughing his filthy, cackling laugh, I knew then that he had probably forgiven me, that he would be okay, and that if I was okay, then everything else would be too.

That's why, when he finally stopped laughing and cupped my face in his hands and leaned forward to kiss me, I did my best to kiss him back. To be frank, it won't go down as the best kiss I've ever given. A two out of ten, I'd say, and I'm being generous. My breath stank, I smelled like locker-room and hospital, and my lips were in serious need of a thick layer of heavy-duty chapstick. The boss seemed to notice, because he pulled away, and with a mischievous glint in his eye said, "You're not pulling your weight, Sasuke-kun."

"SPONNNNNNNGE!" I shouted in his face, trying my hardest to make it sound like a command but failing miserably because I trailed off into a giggling wreck at the end. This set the boss off again, and the two of us ended up howling with laughter for about five minutes over absolutely nothing.

"Sasuke-kun..." the boss eventually managed to choke out as he wiped the tears from his eyes, "you are an imbecile."

"A stinky imbecile, who needs a sponge-bath," I reminded. (I was not to be put off. I had my heart set on a sponge bath at that point and nothing was going to keep me from its warm, soapy, exfoliating goodness.)

"Very well, Sasuke-kun!" the boss conceded, throwing his hands in the air. "I shall fetch some warm water and a sponge. It may take longer to fetch the soap. Can you wait for soap, or will warm water suffice?"

"Warm water, warm water!" I whined impatiently. "I don't even care! Just scrub me!"

Amused and exasperated, the boss shook his head and stood up, dusting down his kimono. He headed for the door and just as he was about to leave he turned round and said, "I will be back soon, Sasuke." And then, smirking all over his big fat face – and get this – he added, "Don't go anywhere!" at which point he practically ran down the corridor, laughing his head off, impervious to my cries of outrage.

"Don't go anywhere." What a cheek! A few days ago he thought I was dead and now he's cracking jokes? Well, we'll see who's laughing when he comes back with that water and has to do my sponge bath! I'm going to demand extra thorough treatment of my armpits. And I have given them a sniff. Fetid doesn't even begin to describe the stench that has been festering under there.

I cannot wait.

LATER:

9:34pm

The sponge bath started out well, but Itachi decided to return when the boss was in the middle of scrubbing my thighs. This magically transformed what was an enjoyable sponge bath into the most awkward sponge bath I have ever had the misfortune to endure. Not that I've had any other sponge baths, granted, but to be honest, that was not a great start.

What made it even more awkward was that Itachi was still being nice to the boss. Instead of freaking out when he came through the door and was greeted with the image of his ex-colleague sponging down his brother's thighs, he merely smiled, said, "Excellent. I was hoping the responsibility for that particular task wouldn't fall to me," handed me a bag of Skittles, and installed himself on the winged armchair in the corner and started reading a newspaper.

The boss threw me a significant look and I shrugged my shoulders. I have no idea why Itachi is being nice, but to be honest, it is pretty damned refreshing and really he shouldn't be complaining. It is a whole lot better than guns in faces.

The double-whammy of awkwardness arrived in the form of Dr Tenma, who had followed Itachi along the corridor. As soon as he came in with his clipboard, he smiled at the boss (who at my request had jammed a biro down the cast on my ankle, trying to scratch a persistent itch) and started asking me doctor questions.

"Hello, Sasuke," he said. "I see you've woken up. How are you feeling?"

"Awkward," I replied. "My brother's watching me being sponged down. This has never happened to me before."

"What age are you? Can you remember?"

"Twenty-eight. Ouch! Fucking hell, you just sponged a bruise!"

"What year is it?"

"Umm... shit. 2010? No, wait, it's January, isn't it? I always do that in January. Yeah, it's 2011. Unless Jiraiya was feeding me a load of bullshit earlier, and everyone had been cryogenically frozen for fifteen years, awaiting my return because they just couldn't live without me."

Dr Tenma laughed and jotted down a few notes on his clipboard. "I think that counts as a perfectly normal verbal response. Now, if you don't mind, Sasuke, I'm just going to do a few tests..."

I was poked, prodded and manoeuvred. I had light shone in my eyes, was told to touch my nose with my finger, then read off an eye chart, and had a tuning fork rammed into my ear. To be honest, my hearing isn't that great just now, but Dr Tenma said he's sure it will improve in time.

After that, Dr Tenma gave me the all clear and said that I seemed much better. My coma scale rating is now fifteen, which makes me officially un-coma-ed! Woo!

To celebrate, after Dr Tenma left, I made the boss do my stinky armpits. He rolled his eyes and protested, but he totally loved it.

While he was performing the glamorous task of washing my pits and navigating the electrode-filled, bruise-ridden minefield of my torso, he answered all of my burning questions, telling me, essentially, what had happened over the past three days while I'd been asleep.

"Honestly, the last thing I remembered before waking up here was being in the car with the firemen trying to cut me out – and you talking to me," I said, as the boss wrung out the sponge. "After that, it's completely blank. And how the hell did you even know what was going on? Usually significant others only get the call once you're at A&E."

"Your brother phoned me when I was in the lab," the boss answered. "A bit of a shock, I must confess. After that stupid girl Ayame managed to gather her wits long enough to phone for an ambulance, when she staggered over and heard Sakura-kun screaming in the back and saw you slumped against the window, she called your brother in a panic, and he in turn called me.

"The ambulance arrived in good time to take Naruto and Sakura away, but it became apparent that the lower half of your leg was stuck and you would have to be cut out. It took longer than I would have liked for them to extricate you from that godforsaken twisted lump of a car, and I must confess to having done a great deal of shouting, since your condition was very obviously deteriorating."

"Yeah," I said, recalling my hazy memories of the crash. "I remember feeling really sick, and then I just sort of blacked out. So what happened to Naruto and Sakura?"

"Sakura-kun, fortunately, was wearing the harness seatbelt and was sitting away from the tree. Bar a few bruises and a sore back, she was examined and discharged that very afternoon. Naruto-kun, however, sustained rather more serious injuries. Jiraiya informed me that Naruto-kun, upon impact, instinctively put his hand out on the steering wheel to stop himself, and earned a shattered wrist for his trouble, along with severe whiplash and a concussion."

I cringed. "Is he okay?"

"Well enough to have spat at my feet as he walked out of the hospital yesterday," the boss said wryly.

"He still hates you then?"

"Oh yes. He called me a... what was it again? Oh yes, he called me a 'shit-eating donkey dick licker' the other day. It was very amusing and quite creative, so I laughed. I'm not sure that was quite the reaction he was looking for."

Some things, it seemed, hadn't changed at all. I sighed.

"They were far more worried about you," he went on. "You remained unconscious during the trip to the hospital. Thankfully, before you blacked out in the car, you managed to inform me that you thought you'd hit your head, so I insisted you have a CT scan." The boss paused for a moment, smiled, and added, "I knew something was very wrong when you seemed to come to your senses and tried to climb off the bed, insisting that you were "Fine, fine, fine! Nothing's wrong with me! I want to go home," while the machine was in the middle of a cycle."

"Did I do that?" I asked, stunned.

The boss nodded. Itachi briefly decided to join in the conversation by confirming that, yes, I had tried to jump out of the CT scanner while it was in operation.

"I honestly don't remember doing that."

"Well, I'm rather glad you did, Sasuke-kun, because even before Dr Tenma had the opportunity to read the results of your scan, he knew what the likely outcome would be, so when the epidural haematoma was confirmed, a place in theatre was already waiting for you."

"Yeah, that didn't go so well at first, did it?"

"Not really," the boss replied, with a rueful smile. "Bull-headed as I am upon occasion, I insisted I be allowed to watch the operation from the gallery. I rather wished I hadn't now..."

"Sorry about that," I said sheepishly.

"Yes, it was rather awful and embarrassing, but I think I have just about forgiven you," the boss retorted with a thin smile.

"So what happened then? Did I just... not wake up from the anaesthetic, or something?"

"You fell into a coma. An decidedly unpleasant turn of events," the boss replied, in a tone of distaste.

"You mean I was a vegetable?"

"Not as bad as that. You were asleep most of the time – only really able to articulate moans and insensible mutterings, though you tossed and turned and did respond well to painful stimuli, which was a glimmer of hope."

"Gradually – quite quickly actually, though it felt like an age to me – you began to get better. You would open your eyes in response to my voice, and you would speak, though there was never anything like a conversation."

"Ha ha, what did I say?"

"Mostly curses and disarticulated vowels."

"Lame."

"I know."

"Did... did Naruto or Sakura try to speak to me?"

"When they were discharged, they both came up to see you," the boss said smoothly. "Sakura-kun could do nothing but cry, which wasn't helpful. Naruto-kun was also infuriating in his own inimitable way, greeting you with a slap to the shoulder and letting the world know how he 'was sure you would wake up any day now' and that he'd 'send Jiraiya to the ward all the time to check up on you.'"

My stomach did a little flip and I couldn't help but smile as I asked, "Is Naruto staying with Jiraiya then? I'm guessing he can't do much with his broken wrist?"

"He is, unfortunately. That is why Jiraiya was loitering outside when you decided to come to your senses. Reporting back to his retarded godson, as if he doesn't have anything better to do. Just before you woke, he had ordered me a take-away meal and forced me to go down to the cafeteria and eat it."

My jaw dropped. "You had a take-out?" I said, utterly dumbfounded. "You actually ate a take-out meal?"

"I did," the boss said grimly. "The things I do for you, Sasuke-kun."

"Ha! That is priceless!" I cackled with evil glee. "What did you have? And please tell me someone took a picture?"

"I had a half shredded crispy duck with hoi-sin sauce, vegetables and pancakes. They were in... plastic tubs," the boss said, with a vague sneer at the recollection. "The food itself, though, was not unpleasant."

"He ate the whole lot himself, Sasuke," Itachi called out over his newspaper, "and Jiraiya has a photo on his phone."

"Ha ha, brilliant! I will be viewing that later!" I laughed and then immediately winced as I clapped my hands together and tugged at the drip. I glared at it accusingly.

"Stupid, fucking drip!" I hissed. "Does it really have to be there?"

"It does," the boss said, giving me a severe look. "Do not even think about taking it out. If you take it out, I will put it back in somewhere you can't reach."

I blinked owlishly, giving myself time to process the meaning of the boss's threat.

"That's a bit harsh," I said eventually.

"It is, isn't it?" the boss replied with a winning smile.

"I mean, can you even put a drip in someone's arse? Is that even possible?"

"Doesn't have to be there," the boss said significantly, leaving the rest to my imagination, which suddenly, magically, began working overtime, alerting me to any number of uncomfortable, nightmarish places in which one could potentially put needles.

Needle-less to say, I changed the subject. (You see what I did there? Ohoho, I am a veritable mine of witty, hospital-related puns!)

"So, how is Jiraiya? Is he still here?"

"Jiraiya is fine," the boss said thinly, tilting my chin to the side so he could wash around my neck and shoulders. "He was worried about Naruto-kun, but since his silly, little charge had been given the all-clear, he has instead been whirring around my head like a gnat for the past two days. He said Sarutobi-sensei had asked him to 'keep an eye on me', but I don't believe it."

"Well you did throw that rather spectacular tantrum down in reception after Sasuke was moved to ICU..." Itachi intoned, again from behind his newspaper.

The boss's lip curled. "I do not recall having asked for a running commentary, Itachi," he said waspishly.

I sighed, thinking this could only bode ill and wondered just how many hospital staff the boss had pissed off.

"What did he do?" I asked wearily.

"Nothing!" the boss snapped. "That stupid girl Ayame wanted to see you, and since she had damn near killed you, I wasn't particularly happy about it!"

"Orochimaru, you threw coffee over her, screamed in her face, accused her of killing Sasuke, threatened her with legal action, and she ended up in hysterics. She didn't mean for anything to happen. It was an accident—"

"I don't care!" the boss hissed, his eyes flashing alarmingly as he threw the sponge into the bucket with a loud plop.

The boss's eyes met my brother's and there was a brief moment of tension before Itachi looked away with a shrug, turning his attention back to his newspaper. The boss snorted and kicked the bucket of water under the bed. My sponge bath was over. I can't say I was sad about it, but at least I was clean.

It's going on ten-thirty now and I think I'm going to go for a nap. Itachi's moved onto another newspaper and the boss is lying on the camp bed doodling on a lined pad with a black sharpie. Besides, my head really does hurt, and I've been concentrating hard on typing. It's made me feel a bit barfy, so I'm guessing now would be a good time to put my painkiller drip to good use.

It's morphine time!

LATER:

That was not meant to be a Power Rangers joke.

Okay. I'm really, really going to sleep now.

Honest.

January 15th

2:10am

This is one of the many downsides to having been unconscious for three days: my sleeping pattern appears to have been screwed up beyond all recognition. Thus, I am wide awake and quite lucid at two in the morning with no one to talk to – not even the nurse who does the night rounds, because she was freaked out by the boss whispering throaty, husky, obscenities in a fitful slumber from the corner in his camp bed.

When I woke from my drug-induced slumber, I noticed with a start that Itachi was still there. He was sleeping upright in the winged armchair by the window, using a rolled-up blanket as a pillow with his legs curled up into his chest. He's still there now. I'm wondering if he'll leave for work in the morning and then come back after? I hope so.

His mouth is open slightly, and I am sorely tempted to start throwing skittles to see if I can get any in there. They're sitting beside me on the nightstand – so close! so tempting! such fruity goodness! – but I'd have to stretch to get them and my bruises are still throbbing. Actually, come to think of it, the colour of my bruises are a painfully hilarious and coincidental mixture of the colours of the red and purple skittles. Mars should totally come out with a new hybrid skittle, the colour of trauma, and have its delicious, fruity, sugary flavour tinged faintly with the unmistakable tang of iron. Murderers and cannibals would love it!

Skittle-less and left with no other options, though, I suppose watching the boss sleeping could be considered a warped sort of entertainment. About ten minutes ago, he howled and then almost flailed into the wall the bed is pressed against, and round about twenty minutes, maybe half an hour ago, he actually rolled out of bed and crawled back in without waking up. The heavy slap that reverberated around the room when warm skin met cold linoleum made me laugh rather hard, and I injured myself in the process because my bruises suck. I know I keep going on about this, but they are almost the worst part of this whole car wreck business. I can't even feel my broken ankle and my head's a bit achey, but nothing I can't handle.

And the boss is still muttering. He's telling Kabuto what to do in his dreams.

I think the camp bed might be getting to him.

Fuck this. I wish I was allowed online. I am bored, sore, and wakeful, and that particular combination does not a happy Sasuke make. I know that I will be having visitors tomorrow, but I cannot wait until then! Hospitals at night are intensely creepy places, and the beepy machine is driving me crazy!

I need someone – something, anything – to distract me from it.

LATER:

2:46am

Dear deity that seems intent upon mocking me,

I now realise that there appears to be a scale of boredom. A descending cline depicting the slide from mild ennui to full-blown, unable-to-get-out-of-bed, soul-sucking depression.

If I admit that – on the grand scale of things – I was never really that bored in the first place and perhaps closer to the mild ennui end of the cline, would you please remove a screaming Hidan, along with his idiot co-workers Kakuzu, Sasori and Deidara from the room across the hallway from mine? Despite my earlier assertion to the contrary, I am now, in fact, rather tired, and would like to get some rest.

Regards,

Uchiha Sasuke.

LATER:

2:51am

What is going on through there? There's crashing and banging and I can hear Hidan hollering nonsense about his dumb cult and Kakuzu roaring at him to shut the hell up and let the doctors knock him out. By 'knocking out', I would hazard a guess that Kakuzu meant 'anesthetise'; this opposed to being knocked the fuck out by a well-timed hook to the jaw by a doctor who has had a long, stressful day and has had just about enough of a certain patient's fool antics.

I wouldn't blame the hospital staff if they did, though. Punch him, I mean. It's Hidan, after all. Whatever is wrong with him, he probably deserves it.

Also, I cannot believe Hidan's noise hasn't woken the boss and Itachi! Seriously, if Hidan is going to disturb someone's sleep, it should be the theirs, because then one of them could get up, walk across the hall, find out what's going on and report back. Obviously, I cannot do it myself because I'm not safe on crutches yet. (I cannot wait to be safe on crutches. That will be my project tomorrow. I don't care what Itachi says.)

Although, on the other hand, if either of them do go over, Akatsuki will doubtless find out I am just across the hall and might feel the need to pay me a visit. This I do not want, because I am now officially tired and irritable because I want to turn onto my side and go to sleep but cannot because my bruises will throb and make me yelp.

LATER:

3:12am

Please let me sleep. Please?

The painkillers have worn off and everything hurts.

Fuck Hidan. Fuck him. I want him to die.

Die now...

January 14th

LATER:

11:42am

As of right now, I am feeling alright, but I got absolutely no sleep last night. Reason? I woke just before dawn and had a full-blown panic attack – my heart hammering and hysteria bubbling in my throat for no reason at all, other than that I might have believed myself confused or disoriented in some way.

Where was I? I wondered, in my blind, unthinking state of desperation. What were these needles doing in my arms? Where was the beeping sound coming from? Why did my leg hurt so much? Why could I smell disinfectant? Why couldn't I get up? Why was it so dark? Where was the boss? Where was he? Why wasn't he beside me, tossing and turning and muttering and waking me up like he always did? Was I dead?

When I inevitably began to scream and make a fuss, the boss woke up and put on his thick, towelling bath-robe, and with the bleary-eyed look of the sleep-deprived, he reassured me and took my hand and muttered in a low voice, "Hush, Sasuke-kun. I am here. There is no need to worry."

He would repeated those choice phrases over and over, and when his message finally hit home and registered in my brain, he then took the opportunity to remind me that I had been in an accident and that I was in hospital in order to recover, and that if I would stop howling and trying to rip the surgical drips from my veins, he would be much obliged.

After my episode, naturally, I was mortified and forced the boss to promise on pain of pain that he would tell no-one. Of course, Itachi woke up and wanted to know what happened and he told Sakura's mum when she came in at five to nine and she told Dr Tenma, but they're hospital staff, so I let that slide. It's thanks to them, really, that I am feeling much, much better and – when all is said and done – no longer leaking brain fluid at an alarming rate.

Unfortunately, my night-time antics were noticed by Kakuzu, who apparently "recognised my tone of scream." Itachi had gone back to his place to wash and get some breakfast by then by the time Kakuzu knocked on the door at about half past ten. The boss, thinking it might have been one of the doctors, answered it.

Without a care in the world, Kakuzu barged in and had a good, long stare when he saw me lying in bed, tired, injured and with the big, ugly chunk shaved out my hair.

Then, he curtly announced, "Oh. You're not dead. Well done," at which point he promptly drew up a chair, threw himself down on it, and started bitching about Hidan. No, "How are you, Sasuke?" "Are you feeling better, Sasuke?" "Would you like anything from the shop, Sasuke?" "Is there anything I can do to help?" This is because Kakuzu has no soul, and is therefore beneath even my contempt.

The boss, of course, had absolutely no idea that Hidan had been admitted in the wee hours of the morning, and asked Kakuzu in a rather threatening manner what the hell he thought he was doing. In order to stave off a beat-down from the boss, who was also tired and grumpy and had not yet showered (because he and Itachi seem to have an unspoken agreement that they'll be taking it in shifts to leave my side), Kakuzu immediately launched into his explanation, during which I learned lots of very interesting facts.

The dreadful story of Hidan's hospitalization, according to Kakuzu the gossip-monger, began early yesterday afternoon, round about the same time my brain decided to give me the all clear to wake up. That morning at work, Kakuzu said, he arrived at HQ first thing, ready to put in a day's shift, only to find that trouble was already brewing.

"Sasuke, I had only just stepped through the door," he insisted, "and there was Deidara leaning over Itachi's desk and giving your brother dog's abuse – right in his face – and he was yelling at him like he was a psycho drill sergeant, or something.

"Now, I don't know what the hell they were arguing about, but I think it must've been something to do with the contract in Iwagakure, because Itachi and Kisame and Sasori and Deidara have been working flat out on it for the past couple of months – Itachi, in particular, because he's hardly been out of the office since Christmas, except that day you decided to be inconvenient and crash into a tree. Something must have gone wrong, and Itachi, surprisingly, was getting the blame."

At that revelation, I raised my eyebrows. "Itachi screwed up?" I said, deeply sceptical. "I don't believe it."

Kakuzu shrugged. "I have no idea who actually screwed up," he said. "It's likely it wasn't Itachi. I only know that something had gone wrong and that Deidara wasn't happy about it.

"But the thing is," he continued, a vague smirk playing at the corners of his mouth, "Itachi wasn't too pleased about Deidara playing Gunnery Sergeant Hartman..."

"So what happened?" I heard the boss enquire, in a slightly waspish tone, from the camp bed, while I sat there, dreading what was coming next.

"Well," Kakuzu went on, with a small laugh as he shook his head in amazement, "Itachi just sat there for a minute, staring at Deidara while he went off on one of his mad rants. It kept building and building, and Deidara was getting worse and worse, and the next minute, Sasori and Hidan appeared at their office doors to watch the show, and it seemed like all hell was going to break loose.

"Anyway, Deidara was kicking off, and yelling himself into a frenzy, when out of the blue, he seemed to notice that Itachi was just sitting there, staring at him. So Deidara shuts up for a moment and stares back, looking him up and down and sneering at him, as if Itachi were that lesbian art-critic who hates him, or something. And then he said, 'Well? Say something, you fucking robot!'"

"Itachi didn't like that. At all. When Deidara opened his big mouth, for a minute, it was pretty weird, and your brother just sat there, looking as if Deidara had smacked him backhand. He blinked a couple of times, as if he couldn't believe the dumb kid had said that to his face, and then all of a sudden, he stood up and – are you listening to this, Oro? – he stood up really slowly and leaned right into Deidara's face, so close their noses were practically touching, and he said in that weirdly calm way that always creeps me out:

'I am not a fucking robot.'

"Then, out of nowhere, he gave this almighty heave and he tipped his damned desk over, pulled a spectacular face-heel turn, and headed straight for the door without a word to anyone, leaving the kid standing there, gaping, like a lost turd in a sea of paperwork and broken desk – including Itachi's massive desktop monitor, and I swear it scraped Deidara's shins when it landed and hit the floor and smashed..."

"Then what happened?" I said urgently.

"Well, that desk is damned heavy," Kakuzu went on. "It's solid mahogany and weighs a ton. Took two guys to lift it into the office when we moved to Kirigakure. So you can imagine it hit the floor with an almighty thud like a massive fat kid screaming out of orbit and slamming into the earth. You could've heard it outside in the grounds. Your uncle Madara's office is just down the hall, so it wasn't any surprise that he came running to see what all the noise was about.

"He caught Itachi by the arm just as he reached the door, and he stopped him from going one step further and asked him what was going on. This was in his equally calm and creepy voice, of course. You'll have to imagine it because I can't do Madara.

"Anyway, Madara said, 'Itachi, what is going on here?' and Itachi just sort of stood there and stared at him for a moment, looking at him like he wanted to knock his teeth out. When he wouldn't answer, Madara smiled at him and said, 'Itachi, you will speak to me and you will tell me the truth. What is going on here?'"

Kakuzu paused and shook his head ruefully, before adding, "It was horrible. He totally caved, Sasuke. It was like all the righteous, stuck-up Uchiha energy just drained out of him. He told him exactly what happened, took the blame for everything, even though Deidara started it, and he apologised to Madara for disturbing him."

"What?" I yelled, outraged.

"I know," Kakuzu said, grimly. "But that wasn't the worst of it."

"Dear me, it gets worse?" the boss said, in a note of sublime disinterest as he sat filing his nails on the camp bed.

"It does, Oro," Kakuzu replied. "But it also gets better, so listen to the whole story."

"Feel free to hurry up and get to the point then."

Kakuzu shot the boss a dark look and said, "Suck it, Oro," and he turned to me, since I was the only interested member of his paltry audience of two.

"So, as I was saying... he took the blame for it, Sasuke – and he apologised. But that wasn't enough for Madara, because he smiled at Itachi again and said, cool as you like, 'Pick it up.'

"Your brother didn't move, so he said it again. 'Pick it up, Itachi. Pick it up. All of it. The rest of you are forbidden to aid him in any way.'

"And he did it. He walked back over to his desk and started picking up paperwork.

"It made me sick, Sasuke, seeing Madara treating your brother like that. Madara's been treating all of us like shit over the past year or so, making us work all hours and phoning us up at midnight and telling us to be somewhere in another country by nine the next morning – stuff like that. But Itachi has definitely been getting the raw deal. We've been talking about it for ages, and we all hate it, so watching him make Itachi pick up trash like some state care offender doing community service... it just pushed us all over the edge."

"So what happened?" I said, both terrified and excited because I knew right then from Kakuzu's tone that something momentous and wonderful had gone down at Akatsuki HQ.

"Deidara was the one who spoke up first," Kakuzu went on. "He was still standing there in the middle of all the loose files and scattered paperclips and stuff, looking down at Itachi... and it was like a light went on in his head, and he just came out and said, 'Itachi, don't do it', and he knocked a manila folder out of your brother's hands and back onto the floor. 'Don't pick it up,' he said. 'Leave it. I'll call the cleaners. They can take care of it.'

"I don't think I need to tell you that your uncle wasn't too happy about that. It was a slight to his absolute authority, after all," Kakuzu said, with a look of deep distaste. "So this time he outright ordered Itachi to clean the place up... and Deidara completely and utterly lost it."

"What?" I said, my heart leaping into my mouth. Even the boss perked up a bit, and started to listen more intently.

"It's true. He was calling your uncle all the names under the sun, Sasuke, and he launched into this long, rambling diatribe about how he was sick of being treated like crap and that he wouldn't stand for it any longer.

"When he said that he was officially tending his resignation, wow... it was absolutely fantastic. It was like the little pebble of rage that had been sitting inside the kid rolled down the mountain and snowballed into a goddamned avalanche that crushed everything in its path – because as soon as Deidara said he was quitting, Sasori stepped up and said that he was sick of it all, too, and that he would be joining him..."

"You're joking?" the boss said, with a strange, half smile of astonishment.

"Absolutely not joking," Kakuzu said. "And Deidara and Sasori aren't the only ones. I'm not ashamed to admit it, but I got carried away in the moment, and threw my two yen into the argument. Told Madara he could shove his job. Hidan did, too, and suddenly we were free agents. Madara just smiled, told us to clear out our desks, wished us all the best and walked out and left the five of us standing there in the room, wondering what the hell had happened. It was like we had won a battle, or something. Weird on so many levels it's difficult to describe..."

"Did Itachi quit?" I said, interrupting him quietly, hoping against hope that my brother would have seen sense and struck when the iron was hot.

"I'm not sure," he replied. "He was still in the office when the four of us walked out. I hope he did. If he hasn't yet, then he's an idiot and deserves all he gets."

"But the question remains as to how our dear, darling, young Hidan came to end his night in hospital?" the boss interrupted, with a smirk.

"Oh that," Kakuzu said. "Almost forgot. We went out for a celebratory meal at Ichiraku Ramen in Konoha – definitely got a taste for that place after that night at Joyland – and we got talking about what we were going to do now that a hellish eternity at Akatsuki was no longer on the cards. Deidara and Sasori, obviously, are becoming full-time art fags, and I figured as an accountant I'd be pretty useful and I'd whore myself out to the highest bidder. Hidan, though," Kakuzu said, rolling his eyes, "decided there and then over some ramen that he was going to go full-time cultist. Apparently, one of their high-priestesses managed to bleed to death during one of their ridiculous rituals, so there's a vacancy going that he's intending on applying for.

"Oddly enough, he also mentioned that their head accountant died in the same freak accident, so I said I might try my luck there. Organised religion – especially money-grabbing cults – pays big money, after all. Hidan said he'd get in touch right away with the Grand Master and let him know I was interested in becoming their first ever secular accountant – and I told him that the emphasis on secular was deliberate because I didn't want to end up leaking all over a temple floor.

"But yeah," he went on. "It was round about then that Deidara started quizzing him on how the ritual worked, exactly, and Hidan – the moron – insisted he show us how it was done, dragging us over to the Public Park after we'd paid Ayame for the Ramen and gave her a tip because her face was fucking tripping her.

"It was only four-thirty in the afternoon, so there was a bunch of kids playing in the park with their parents. Naturally, Hidan jumps in the fountain, pulls out a knife, and the good citizens of Konoha were on their cells to the law before you could shriek "Oh my god, there's a psycho in the fountain!" And when Hidan started cutting himself and whooping and hollering and dancing around that disgusting, dirty, gurgling fountain, chanting his shit and kicking up algae and rusty, old coins, the kids started screaming. I heard this little girl shout, 'Mummy! Mummy! The bad man's making the fountain all red!'"

"Ha ha, oh my god," I said. "I would've totally laughed at that."

"We did," Kakuzu replied, matter-of-factly. "But we knew that the police were minutes away from screaming round the corner and cuffing Hidan. They've been itching to put the idiot behind bars ever since your trial, Sasuke, but up until then, he's had Madara's protection."

"What did you do, then?" the boss asked, his eyes glittering with amusement.

Kakuzu shrugged. "We booked a room in that hotel Oro owns, holed up in there and tried to bandage him up. It worked for a bit, but he kicked off in the lobby again, and the damned idiot tore all his dressings off. He was bleeding everywhere, and the girl at reception didn't know whether to call for the feds or an ambulance. Luckily for us, she went for the latter, and we ended up here at stupid a.m. because there're not enough beds in the secure ward, trying to get Hidan to let the doctor knock him out long enough to put in some stitches."

"Yeah," I said accusingly. "I heard that much. You idiots kept me awake last night with all your retarded crap."

"Then what were you screaming about, Uchiha?" Kakuzu countered. "And don't deny it. I recognised your tone of scream: insistent, shrill and with the barest hint of smugness to it – all just as the sun was about to peep over the horizon. You woke me up too, so I think that counts as your own brand of retarded crap, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, but you're not the one lying in a hospital bed having almost died four days ago!" I countered, offering Kakuzu a hefty dose of context. (I have the funniest feeling I shall be using this whole near-death-experience thing as a trump card for a long time to come.)

Kakuzu rolled his eyes. "Whatever, Uchiha," he said, standing up and stretching his creaking, old bones. "Just keep the screaming to a minimum, okay? I don't want you setting off the dumb shit in the next room." He headed for the door, and stopped just on the threshold, turning around and adding, "And if you see your brother, tell him to give us a call, yeah?"

"Will do," I said. "He'll be back soon, so you can talk to him then if you want."

"Are you going down for coffee?" the boss asked, with an almost too innocent smile on his face.

"Why yes, I am," Kakuzu replied smoothly, "but if you want any, you'll have to get off your fat ass and come down and get it your damned self."

The boss sighed in a put-upon manner, saying that he had envisioned a large black coffee from Starbucks, and not the watery cardboard pulp from the cafeteria. Kakuzu asked if the coffee was really that bad, and the boss replied by the way of a grim nod.

In the end, after much discussion, the boss instead offered to send someone from the hotel to pick up Starbucks for all three of us. The order was increased when Sakura's mum, Dr Tenma, and the rest of the ward staff all accepted the boss's offer of free coffee, and it was increased yet again when Hidan learned of the coffee run and whined about not being included.

At present, I am happily sitting up in bed, drinking a lovely gingerbread latte, and talking to Kakuzu and Hidan. I am not in too much pain at the moment, because the painkillers are doing their job and I have Hidan here to laugh at. He is topless at the moment, because his arms and torso are covered in bandages. Hilariously, his hands are also covered in bandages, and this, apparently, is to stop him pulling at his stitches because he is a dyed-in-the-wool moron and cannot help himself. I said they should have given him one of those cones they give dogs and Kakuzu sniggered. Hidan didn't quite hear my witty remark and said, "What? Hey! Hey, what's that about dogs?" and Kakuzu and I sat there, looking innocent, and twiddled our thumbs.

The boss has popped over to the Sarutobis' to wash and change. Apparently, Biwako has promised to make me some lunch! I am very much looking forward to seeing what the boss brings back. Hidan is not getting a fucking crumb, no matter how much he whines. And he will whine. At length. Because he is Hidan.

Speaking of Biwako, though, I wonder if my tomatoes have sprouted? It's early days yet, but... I don't know. I've grown strangely attached to those seedlings.

LATER:

12:41pm

Have you ever wondered whether it's possible to have a laugh with a psycho while recovering from brain surgery? Well, here is the answer: it is entirely possible!

Kakuzu had to take a call from Jashin HQ (I guess he really is going for the job) so Hidan and I were left alone for awhile. Because Hidan has the attention span of a stunned monkey, he quickly grew bored of absolutely everything of any interest I had to offer in my room: Itachi's newspapers, the boss's colouring book (don't ask), the skittles, the playing cards, everything.

Since I didn't much fancy actually talking to him, I suggested he turn the TV on.

We ended up spending a hilarious twenty minutes simply trying to turn on the television. As some random scumbag patient had pilfered the remote beforehand, and because I wasn't allowed to get up yet, and because Hidan's hands were bandaged to stop him hurting himself, I ended up laughing myself sore watching the idiot jumping up and punching the buttons on the TV and whining at it to work.

The commotion attracted the attention of a dumpy nurse, who popped her head round the door to ask what was wrong.

"Can't get the fucking TV on, and Sasuke's laughing at me!" Hidan fumed, throwing himself down on Itachi's chair and folding his arms like a five year old.

"Alright, Hidan," she sighed (I wonder if she was on duty through the night?). "Let me just stretch up and turn it on. Which channel do you want?"

"Top Gear!" he demanded. "MK TV's re-running the whole of last series today."

The nurse flicked through the channels and before long, I heard Jeremy Clarkson yelling at me from behind the wheel of a Ferrari.

"Right then," she said briskly. "If there's nothing else you two want, I'm just going to empty these bins. Now behave yourselves!"

Even a whole series re-run of his favourite show did not stop Hidan from being a moron. He kept asking me incredibly stupid questions, such as: "So did you really die then? What was it like?", "Whoa, your scar's all bumpy. Can I touch it?", What happens if I unplug this beepy thing?", "You know you have that hole in your head? Would you let anyone fuck it?", "What happened to Naruto's car? Man, I'd've fuckin' flipped if I'd totalled something that awesome."

He kept bugging me and bugging me, and I found it increasingly difficult to ignore him and absorb his stupidity.

"Hey Sasuke," he said, only five minutes later, "can I use your morphine?"

"No."

"Please?" he whined.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because," I said, through gritted teeth, "I am eighty-nine percent sure you have hepatitis. Now shut the hell up and watch the show!"

Luckily, Kakuzu came through the door not long after that and announced that he'd just got the Jashin job through phone interview (what the hell?)

Hidan was as pleased as punch with this revelation and started capering around the room, whooping and hollering and leaping up and down on the boss's camp bed.

"YAYAYAYAYAYAY!" he bellowed, "WE'RE GONNA BE WORK BUDDIES AGAIN!"

"Simmer down, kid," Kakuzu lazily, picking up one of Itachi's papers. "You'll be banned from the hospital, if you don't shut up."

"And what's going on in here?" I heard a familiar voice intone. It was Sakura's mum. She must have come on duty not long before.

Taking one look at Hidan and Kakuzu, she frowned and said, "Right! Out! Both of you. This room needs cleaning."

"Are you kidding me?" Hidan said obnoxiously, tipping the packet down his throat and finishing the last of my Skittles. "Someone actually comes in here and cleans?"

The look Sakura's mum gave him would've sent smarter men running for the hills. But since Hidan is almost terminally stupid, the subtext did not penetrate his leaden skull.

"I say that, but there was that ugly bint who came in for the bins earlier, right Sasuke?" he went on, spitting flecks of Skittles everywhere. "Proper fucking bearded heffer."

Then he looked Sakura's mum and down and added, with a wolfish grin, "You're hot, though. You can empty my bins anytime!"

You should have seen Sakura's mum's face. I was dying – dying! – for a proper, unadulterated guffaw. Instead, I fought to keep my face straight and said, "Hidan, seriously, shut up. This is Haruno Sakura's mum. Remember my friend with the pink hair from Konoha?"

Hidan began to think. It's very obvious when he starts to think because it clearly takes so much effort that he feels the need to screw his face up. Then, something dawned.

"Oh yeah," he said happily. "Sakura-chan! I totally remember her. Man, she is smoking hot! I'd turn her over and fucking destroy that ass any time—!"

"OUT!" Sakura's mum roared, thrusting her finger out across the corridor.

With a huff, Kakuzu stood up – and with the rolled-up newspaper in hand, walked over to Hidan and beat him over the head.

"Come on. Move your ass," he commanded.

"Owwwwww, what the hell?" I heard Hidan whining as Kakuzu grabbed him by the arm and dragged him back into his room. "But Kakuzu, I wanna watch Top Geaaaaaar..."

I was left alone in my room with Sakura's mum. She was standing by the door, hands on her hips, shaking her head.

"I'm— I'm really sorry about them," I said eventually, trying desperately not to laugh. "They used to work with my brother, so I do know them. They didn't just randomly burst into my room and hi-jack my television."

"Oh, I know who they are, Sasuke," she replied sternly. "Sakura told me all about what happened at Joyland Park. That man Hidan was banned for beating up two park attendants after he got his arm stuck in Leo the Paper-Eating Lion. And he's involved in that Jashin cult!"

"Yeah, he's pretty intense."

"I'm seriously beginning to wonder about that Akatsuki company, if that's the type of person they employ," she said sniffily, before she headed off to check on the other patients.

I can still hear Hidan being... well... Hidan in the room across the corridor. Earlier on, he was doing an uncanny impression of Eduard Khil, and about fifteen minutes ago, he farted really loudly and started laughing.

I think he is actually the stupidest person I know.

I thought I was the one who was supposed to be brain-damaged?

LATER:

1:30pm

If it is at all possible to feel content while one is in hospital recovering from severe head trauma, then I think I might just qualify at the moment. The weather is dry and crisp and bright and frosty, so the window is open a crack, letting in a pleasantly cool breeze that is tickling my face and making the daffodils in the vase on the windowsill sway ever so slightly. The winter sun is streaming through the open window, Hidan is away – having been taken away for psychiatric evaluation – and I am quite happy just to lie here in my bed, letting the sun's light warm me from the outside in.

I am also happy because the boss returned not long ago from the Sarutobis, bearing lunch. The dishes provided were not technically skilled or difficult to assemble in any way, but that they were prepared just for me, at home, from scratch, by Biwako, made me feel that they were the most wonderful things in the world. Tomato and basil soup, and two ume onigiri. My absolute favourites.

I could smell the pot of tomato and basil soup the second the boss came into the room, its beautiful, rich, fresh, tomato and herb fragrance wafting across the room to seduce my nostrils and cause my salivary glands to spring to attention. I swear, my heart skipped a beat, for there is nothing I love more than tomato soup, and the fact that I was utterly ravenous only compounded this love and magically transformed it into a commanding lust, that I would not have been able to suppress, even if I had wanted to. Plus, watching Hidan chowing down on my Skittles had made me hungry.

"Is that tomato soup?" I breathed, my eyes sparkling with longing.

"Why, yes, Sasuke-kun," the boss said casually. "Would you like some?"

"Gimme, gimme, gimme!" I howled, my arms stretched out, as my need for tomato soup was at that point all-consuming.

"Patience, Sasuke," the boss said, with a smirk. "It will have to be warmed up. However..." he stressed, noting the look of profound anguish that twisted my otherwise regular features, "... while you are waiting for the soup, you may have one of these..."

From behind his back, he revealed a bento box which contained several freshly made ume onigiri. I almost cried with joy, and I snatched at one of the eminently edible objects of perfection and began to chomp with gusto. I was so very hungry and absorbed in the task of demolishing my onigiri, I did not at first notice the boss offering me another object wrapped in brown paper and tied with string.

"What's this?" I asked, my voice muffled through a large mouthful of food. Bits of rice had broken off and had migrated and stuck to various parts of my face.

"Biwako made it for you," the boss said, smiling, as he sat down on the edge of my bed. "Open it."

I opened it.

In the parcel was a black beanie hat, lovingly knitted by Biwako, along with a little get well card and a suggestion that I might wear the hat if I ever felt like disguising my post-surgery hair. I sat there and stared at it for a long moment until I could no longer suppress the huge smile.

"This... this is just what I need," I said, my voice wavering a touch. "How did she know?"

"Not long after the operation, with a great deal of foresight, I made a very shrewd guess," the boss replied. "This guess was that you would be utterly devastated upon discovering your hair had been shaved, since you consider it as one of your prize features, and that I was not quite sure how I would deal with it, if and when you woke.

"Upon hearing this, Biwako set straight to work so that she might in some way lessen your suffering, my poor Sasuke-kun. You hold the fruit of her labour in your hands."

The beanie was sitting on my knees, spread out upon the white, cotton bed sheets. I touched it, and found its softness incomparable, its warmth absolute, the wool smooth and in no way likely to irritate a tender, bristly scalp. I put it on. It fit like a dream, and I checked my reflection in the back of the boss's ipod. It was almost like I had never been in the accident.

I began to snivel.

Now, that reaction might come across as vain, perhaps irrational, or even childish, considering if I had not had the surgery, the boss, my brother, and my best friends would be attending my funeral right now. But I cannot help it. When I looked in that mirror last night, it was awful: that ugly, fish-belly white strip of skin complete with a gnarled, horseshoe ridge of a scar – the wound clamped together and held in place by a crooked line of twisted staples. I could not stand it. I could not stand to look at myself, and I will not look at myself in the mirror, no matter how much the boss scolds me and tells me I'm shallow.

This is why the beanie was such a big deal to me. For though it cannot replace the valuable chunk of my hair, it is a cosy solution to a temporary problem (a fact the boss seems to consider his solemn duty to remind me of whenever I feel the need to lament my loss). Since putting it on, I have not taken it off, and I intend to wear it even when I sleep, and only remove it when I have to wash in the morning. It will make facing Naruto and Sakura much, much easier when they come to visit later on tonight.

Needless to say, I let the boss know that Biwako's gesture was very much appreciated. He was sitting, perched on the edge of my bed, and I raised an arm, wrapped it around his neck, and gave him a weak, injured Sasuke squeeze and a kiss. The moment would have lasted longer, but Dr Tenma came in to ask how I was, and I simply had to pounce upon the opportunity to show off my new, custom headgear. The boss retreated to the camp bed and buried himself in a book, pretending to be uninterested, but I could see the smile on his face.

I am really looking forward to tonight now. I cannot wait to see Naruto and Sakura. I miss them.

Why isn't Itachi back yet? I want to know if he's quit or not.

LATER:

3:04pm

Guess who I saw earlier on?

Go on. Guess.

You can't guess? Not at all?

Very well then, I'll tell you.

I saw Neji!

Seriously. I am not lying. I was just chilling in my room, the boss having nipped out to take a phone call from Sarutobi, and there was a knock on the door. I hesitated for a moment, thinking it might be Hidan again, but I laughed at my own stupidity when I realised that Hidan would never knock in a million years, so I said, "Come in!"

And who popped his cheeky, little head around the door? None other than Hyuuga Neji.

I was pretty surprised at this, to be honest, and I no doubt made that weird half-screwed up smile, half-open-mouthed face people make when they're happy to see someone, but totally not expecting it.

"Neji..." I spluttered. "Hi! Umm... come in! How are you?"

"I should be asking you that question," he replied, taking a seat on one of the spare chairs. He observed me closely for a moment, then smiled. "So..." he said. "How are you?"

"My head still hurts a bit," I admitted. "And don't get me started on the bruises. My hearing's not too great, either, and I haven't been allowed to try walking around yet. The boss brought me lunch, though, and I feel less like throwing up, so that's a plus."

"Yes, it's good that you're eating," Neji intoned, ever the professional. "The medication they'll be giving you won't exactly be kind to your stomach, so the more you can stand to eat, the less nauseous you're likely to feel."

"Some Skittles would be nice," I muttered. (Yes, I am still sore about it. Hidan is a fat muncher. I hope the next time he has Skittles he chokes on them.)

"I'll tell Naruto to bring you a bag then."

"Ha, he's going to be so mad when he finds out you got to see me first."

Neji smiled conspiratorially. "That's why I'm here. I was passing, and I thought, why not seize upon this golden opportunity to annoy Naruto?"

"You were passing?" I asked, suddenly interested. "What were you doing in the hospital?"

"A friend from university called, needing a favour. She was swamped with casework and asked me to do a quick evaluation of a particularly troublesome patient who was admitted yesterday evening, but it turned out I knew him, so I couldn't carry out the tests."

"It was Hidan, wasn't it?" I said, smirking.

"I couldn't possibly comment," Neji said serenely. "Patient confidentiality."

"He'll get out of it," I said. "He always does. Sasori's told him how to answer the questions, and he knows how to act too."

"That'll be frustrating. I'm glad I'm not the one overseeing the observation."

"I've always said Hidan should've been committed years ago, but he's just so damned funny sometimes..."

"I will never forget the sight of him at Joyland trying to stuff three bags of cotton candy into his mouth at once for a bet."

"He's such a fucking idiot," I said, before adding sheepishly, "and speaking of idiots, Neji, I'm sorry for screaming in your face the other day."

"Quite alright, Sasuke," Neji dismissed good-naturedly. "I got your email in which you explained your reasons for doing so. I understand."

"No, really. I was being a moron," I insisted. "The boss was trying to do me a favour and I freaked out about it."

"Relationship counselling is never easy, Sasuke," Neji intoned, sounding a lot like Itachi in that moment. "People often mistakenly believe it is a quick-fix situation. That, if they talk over their problems with a therapist, they will all go away. It's never that simple."

"So what's the verdict then?" I said, jokingly, "You think my problems will go away?"

"What, you want really want to hear the verdict?"

Instantly, my stomach began doing flip flops.

"Neji!" I moaned. "Damn it, I didn't know you actually had a verdict! I was joking! Why did you have to tell me that? Why?"

"So you don't want to know?"

"Of course I want to know!" I seethed. "I can't not know now, can I?"

Neji sighed, and shrugged. "Well, having trawled through all of the evidence made available to me, the short conclusion is that your relationship with Orochimaru-sama may worth saving. However," he added ominously, leaning forward and fixing me with a severe look, "you do have to sort out a few things."

"Such as?" I asked, trying to remain nonchalant while my heart was pounding.

"The power struggle."

"The power struggle?"

"Yes," Neji stressed. "The power struggle. Relationships, ideally, should be on equal terms, but there is a rather large power gap between you and Orochimaru-sama, which has resulted in employee/partner confusion. You address him as 'Orochimaru-sama' and in your private writings refer to him as 'the boss', and yet it's obvious you're not entirely at ease with the situation, because as soon as things go wrong – usually when Orochimaru-sama wields his influence against you in some way – you go straight on the attack.

"Orochimaru-sama, on the other hand, is very controlling and seems to be used to treating employees that way. In his mind, he is always 'the boss' and demands respect from his employees – and his partners, who usually happen to have started out as employees, so there was never really much scope for differentiation in the first place. If he does not get the respect he feels he deserves, as 'the boss', he sees it as an assault on his authority. It seems like you want to be treated as an equal, Sasuke, but unfortunately Orochimaru-sama sees this as capitulating, and he doesn't seem to do that as a rule, because he is 'the boss' and his authority is absolute.

"Not helping matters, you two have rather similar personalities. You are both hideously proud, used to getting your own way, stubborn, fiercely independent and love having the last word in an argument. You're like two rams butting heads.

"I believe Orochimaru-sama must decide if you are an employee or a partner. That is a key issue."

"A little bit of equality goes a long way," I sniffed, turning up my nose, ready to whip out my banner and start marching.

"But it's not all Orochimaru-sama's fault," Neji warned. "You, Sasuke, are a button-pusher."

"A what?" I exclaimed, outraged. "What are you dribbling on about, Hyuuga? That doesn't sound very scientific to me."

"It's how you deal with the power-gap," he said simply, as though it were the most logical thing in the world. "You cannot take his authority from him, so you seek other ways to undermine it. You know him well, so you know exactly how to rile him and punish him for being able to control you."

"You're thinking about the pinching thing, aren't you?"

Neji smiled and said nothing.

I sighed and looked out the window. It was snowing again. "I guess what you're saying is kind of true. It's fine when he's using his influence against other people, but when he turns it on me, I often find I suddenly want to gouge his eyes out."

Neji nodded wisely.

"But..." I went on, feeling a little squeeze inside, "... I still like him."

"I know," Neji said. "There appears to be a great deal of genuine affection between you, otherwise I would have suggested a separation."

"I mean he's really clever, and he's attractive... in an odd way, and there're no age gap issues at all – apart from when he spells 'connection' as 'connexion', seriously, what is that about?

"And he makes me laugh," I went on. "Really, really makes me laugh. Ha, there was this one time, right," I said, already smirking at the recollection, "that we were in bed and it was shaping up to be a pretty standard wine-fuelled night in. The boss was just getting down to business, when suddenly he just stops, pushes himself up onto his knees and looks down at me with this really odd look on his face. Then, just as I was about to ask him what the hell he was doing, slowly, he raised his hands up to his head and said, "I put on my robe and wizard hat..."

I guess Neji had read those fake cybersex conversations too. I have never heard him laugh like that before.

"Neji, I was a corpse. A corpse of laughter," I went on, as Neji crumpled up in his chair with his head in his hands. "Seriously, I was laughing so hard I couldn't see straight and I was still sniggering when I went into work the next day. I could hardly look him in the eye at the morning meeting."

"Sasuke," Neji managed to choke out, "you have destroyed my image of Orochimaru-sama forever."

"Good!" I exclaimed. "He's not all expensive clothes and shady business deals and temper tantrums. He can be funny and charming and all that stuff. Almost like a normal person. Almost. Most of the time."

"Well, that's encouraging," Neji said, shaking his head amusedly. "And really," he went on sincerely, "I do hope you manage to make things work. The gossip mill would seize up and grind to a halt if you two separated. But listen," he said, standing up and reaching for his jacket, "I have to get back for an appointment. I'm glad you're well, Sasuke, so take care of yourself, give Orochimaru-sama my best and I'll forward the request for Skittles to Naruto."

"Will do!" I said, before calling out just as Neji left, "And careful on those roads, it's snowing again! If you end up in here, TenTen will kill you!"

"I'll be careful!" he answered. "See you soon, Sasuke!"

The boss appeared about a minute after Neji left. They must have met on the elevator, or something, because the boss sidled in with a sly look on his face.

"Seeing Neji behind my back, are we?" he said, crossing the room and enveloping me in a tentative embrace (he has learned not to go near my bruises or risk my wrath).

"Absolutely," I said, with a feeble attempt at returning the gesture. "I was telling him loads of awful things about you."

"Were you, indeed?"

"I was."

"What was he doing here, anyway? It's not visiting time."

"He was just passing and thought he'd pay a flying visit. He was actually here to give Hidan psychiatric testing but couldn't because he knew him."

"It wouldn't make any difference," the boss snorted. "Hidan knows how to answer all the questions. Sasori told him years ago."

"That's exactly what I said."

"Futile in the extreme..."

"I know..."

There was a pause, in which we both realised our faces were inches from each other. I reached up and touched the boss's hair. It was soft, freshly washed and dried and smelled of shampoo. I felt a twinge of longing...

"Itachi's not back yet, is he?" the boss asked in a whisper.

"Not yet."

"Wonderful," the boss murmured as he leant forward and kissed me.

I am proud to say, I did a much better job this time.

---

AN: Seems like a good place to leave it for now! Sorry about the wait. It's been far too long. Long story short, I got too involved with the characters and the prospect of the story ending actually made me sad, so I did the only thing I could do and stopped writing. Recently, though, I remember why I started writing this thing in the first place: so I could prove to myself I could finish a longer story. Now that I have the authorly distance back, I know I can do it. :) Hopefully, some of you will still be out there and interested. :) I made a few changes to chapter forty-two, by the way. It's been so long, we've learned Sarutobi's wife's name, so that's been changed. I also went a bit overboard with the shaven-headed Sasuke angle. I couldn't even imagine it myself, so it's been demoted to a more modest shaved chunk of hair.

Hope this chapter was okay. It's sort of a two-parter, so things should pick up in forty-four. :)

Thanks to everyone who has been asking for updates on the review board. It means a lot to me that you guys are still interested.

syrraki: I cannot believe it has been two years since I updated this. Oh, the shame! Sorry about the lack of tomato information this chapter, but it has only been a day or so since he planted them. Give it another couple of days and Sasu will have tiny little tomato shoots to be proud of. :)

pompomwoop: Haha, the 'witnesses' bit. Apart from the plant-punching, that was my favourite bit of chapter forty-two. I made myself laugh writing it, if that doesn't sound weird. It is just so... them. And yeah, the duck-butted hair is mostly back. I honestly couldn't imagine him without it. Why did I write that again? XD

Iraoftheseven: I'm not surprised it took you that long to read the whole thing. It is ridiculously long!

Gerkyhen: If you nearly fainted last time I updated, I don't know what's going to happen after two years, haha. I'm so glad you liked the last chapter, though. Shikamaru is totally just one of those people who is phenomenally clever but doesn't give a crap what job he does or how much it pays - just as long he enjoys it. He is a great character! :)

borisbear: You know... you're not too far off the mark there. I am saying no more. Pay close attention to Itachi next chapter. ;)

Roxanne Morinaka: Sasuke doesn't have much luck, does he? And I wish I could continue Oro's diary, but seriously it's really hard to be so pervy all the time. XD

killerdoodlebug: What a chapter for a first review: the last one before the two-year hiatus! I'm sorry for the wait. It really has been too long. Thanks for your kind comments, though. Even though the story is pretty silly, I try my best to make the characters as human and relatable and realistic as possible. There's nothing worse than a story with characters you just don't care about, so I'm glad you like that aspect of ADitL. :)

hieilover135: Heyyy, amazingly two-year late congrats on getting your license! I got mine as well. It's great to be able to just... go places, you know? (And the left side is totally the correct side - I am with you all the way.) As for what kind of books I like to read... well... I haven't read any fun books for ages because I'm still struggling away at uni, but I've got all the Terry Pratchett novels, I like historical fiction, historical non-fiction, crime fiction, graphic novels, manga (kinda obvious), Norse sagas, early Neil Gaiman, medieval fabliaux (hilarious), some of the classics... umm... that's all I can think of right now. :)

SasukexXxSakura: I think you were the only person to spot that Shizune/TonTon swine flu thing. XD And don't worry, there are loads of people back in Otogakure who can look after Mallory. He's a tiny cat in a big damn house. He loves it!

Insomniac Owl: They were fighting more, but I guess it's better fighting over petty things than the huge stuff. Small steps for them, haha. And yeah, I have used the 'oh my god, will I lose them?' tactic a few too many times. To be honest, I didn't want to use it again, but something's going to happen soon and I need Sasuke to be in one place and easily found. And yeah, the flat-lining thing. Maybe I shouldn't have waited two years to explain this. In my head, Oro butted his way into theatre and demanded he be allowed to watch. Should maybe have said that in the first place. And that's pretty cool you had a dream about Oro and Sasuke. I'd love to have a dream about them. Not in a pervy way, or anything. Just that it'd be fun. :)

AriesRaccoonRebi: What's going on in Bleach just now? I picked it up a while back, but I was getting sick of the never-ending filler in the anime, so I let it slide for a while. Worth getting back into?

yumechan3: Yeah, I was fretting over chapters forty and forty one for that reason - that I hadn't really got the chance to explain why everything had happened. The Neji counselling and the diaries was my way of resolving things - or at least doing my best to. As for Oro's diary, I loved writing it. It's hard work (you have to be so pervy) but it was weirdly fun to finally get inside his head. He really does like his Sasuke-kun, haha. I sympathise on missing the stuff you know from home. I live in a cold country, so when I go to hot places where the sky is blue, I find it strange after a while...

uberhaxxor of pwnage: Thank you again for that awesome piece of work on DA, by the way. It still makes me smile looking at it. :) I got rid of the completely shaven Sasuke. Believe it or not, I guess he is so vain that I thought it would be too cruel to him. Plus, I couldn't imagine it. XD

Bri: You just started college? Wow, that would've been two years ago now! Bet you're halfway through or almost finished by now. I fail so much at life, lol. Oh well. At least I updated - and there was a lot of Neji (plus a TenTen mention!) so that might make up for the long absence. Naruto's car did survive the crash, but it's back at the Subaru garage, undergoing extensive repair. I don't know if Sasuke will ever get in it again, though...

Erroneously: I think I've ended up accidentally converting a few people to OroSasu. It was not my intention, I swear! XD

Nozomi-sama: It's been two years and Sasuke is still wandering around in his little cloud of insanity. I'm wondering when Madara's going to bring him onto the field? When he does, it's not going to be pretty, I'll bet! And yeah, I couldn't imagine shaven-headed Sasuke, either. Why did I even write that in the first place? Must've been the Drama Llama egging me on. :p

seraserastuff: It was fun writing from Oro's perspective. I could not pass up the chance to get inside his head! Since he's an AU Oro, I thought that would be a bit safer. ;)

Beqs: More frequent updates wasn't exactly what happened, but I'm going to finish this fic if it kills me, I swear! The octopus comes and goes in Oro's dreams. Sometimes it is malevolent, sometimes benevolent. It is a mysterious octopus.

Re-an-Le: It's been so long, you've changed your name! Aie! D: As for Sasuke gardening... I have no idea where it came from. It popped into my head because, well, I guess I thought it was cute too. Plus, he loves tomatoes, and they're easy to grow, so there's no way he'd pass up that opportunity. :)

Reginleifthevalkyrie: I would love for someone to draw TeaFest!Oro in his hoodie and black wellingtons! Ahhh, if only I had the power. :(

Loxes: Seriously? I am approaching War and Peace territory? Damn, that thing is a breeze-block! D:

SHUSHUx: Another one where it's been so long you've changed your name, lol. Sasuke sure did get caught pinching in the last chapter. I think he regrets it, haha. I mean, he is in hospital now. Oops. :p

Jellybean06: Hi Jellybean! Thanks for the review. I'm glad you liked the fic to stick around long enough through all forty-two of its chapters (it is getting insanely long!) Yeah, the relationships between characters is something I do try hard to foster. I really couldn't just stick in a character for the sake of it. If Kishimoto introduces a new canon character, they have to have a place in the story before I even think about writing them in. Sai was quite difficult, to be honest, but as soon as I realised he had art in common with Sasori and Deidara, he was there. :)

metal-mako-dragon: Yeah, chapter forty-one was pretty drama-packed. I need to stop torturing the characters, seriously... Though that was a bad day for Itachi. You'll understand soon. ;)

Dragon Morticia: I had to change the bald-headed Sasuke thing! Even I couldn't imagine it, so I altered it to him only having had a strip of hair shaved. That's more realistic anyway. Every second counted in that operation, so they wouldn't have had time to do the whole thing. :)

slashgirl401: Haha, oh those early chapters when Sasuke still suffered from his sleep-disorder. I should maybe read over them again. I sort of remember that I stuck Tobi in there (this was waaaaay before Madara was revealed) so it's probably time to take him out. Will substitute his stupidity with Hidan's. SEAMLESS EDITING!

Zanna-chan: Yeah, Sasuke totally didn't know Hidan, did he? XD

Mochibun: Oh no, I hope you did well on your chemistry test. Quite a few people have said before that they've been reading this the night before exams. I console myself by thinking it's a stress-buster and that people benefit by being lolled up and relaxed by the time they get into the exam hall.

Nanaki Lioness: Wait, did you manage to read forty-two chapters of this in one day? Damn... that's good going. But excuse my for a moment as I squee. Eeee! Another Brit! This is a good thing. Though is my Britishness that obvious in my writing? Not that it's a bad thing, but I kind of try to make this neutral as possible. Take cotton candy, for example. I used US English there because I thought, candy floss, to Americans, would be akin to a cheese radiator or a chocolate oven. :p And yeah, Kakuzu's email is a take on something awful. He is a notorious troll on the forums and is most definitely protected. ;)

Chromde: It's Chromde! :D Argh, so glad you liked the last chapter. You and Bri are the biggest Neji fans ever, I swear. If you found this chapter, I suppose the Neji scene in it might just begin to make up for the two-year hiatus. XD The Sarutobis are cool old people, btw (had to change Fumiko's name - damn you, Kishi!) I hate it when writers write old people as rocking-chair book-ends because they're always so much more than that. I know loads of older people who are far more active than me. XD

BrandNewOrange: First off, I like your screen name. It's cool. :) Secondly, I think you are the only person to have caught the "Gurner" Prize thing with all the silly entries. Thirdly, thanks for such a nice review. It's cool when other people recommend fics to friends because that's the way it should be, really, and it means I'm doin it rite, haha. Yeah, even though this is an AU, I try to make the character's emotions and motivations at least realistic. If I didn't then no one would be able to really relate, and there is nothing worse than a story where no one cares about the characters. I've read too many like that and the sense of disappointment you get with wasted potential... nah. I didn't want it to happen here. Glad to see I'm on the right track. :) P. S. Aquabats are awesome!

alloysius: You are so utterly right. If only Oro would realise that, beneath his childish anger, what he wrote about Sauce was indeed beautiful. I think he is beginning to, though. Slowly but surely, it's pentrating. We'll see what happens soon. And yeah, what is with stories that pair up characters and disregard friends and loved ones completely? I mean, unless it's a fic about a manipulative significant other who doesn't want them to see other people at all, then it's just plain unrealistic. Relationships are never just about a couple alone.

SkywardShadow: Argh, thank you for the compliment and the nice reviews! It's hard work, but I do try to keep up the quality, and I am strangely, perversely proud of this fic. But no feelings until I finish! Then it's editing time... Need to get back and sponge out Tobi in the early chapters and slot in Hidan. Lots of little things need changing. Oh yes...

TempusFrangit: Hello there, long-time lurker, first-time reviewer who likes Kiku! I like Kiku too. I don't know why. She seems so innocent, yet has to be a battler to have won over her boyfriend's awful best friends, to have been strong when her dad fell out with her over Jiraiya, to have had a kid at seventeen/eighteen... yeah, the list goes on. Yet she remains the same cheery, good-natured, innocent Kiku, who is trying to make her life even better by enrolling in the Business course at KNU. She's a little gem. :)

Alienne: I would love to be chased by monks. Though not monks of the Shaolin variety. Catholic monks. Maybe Benedictine. Or Carthusians. They probably wouldn't be able to run very fast because they don't get out much. :p

Stick. up. his. ass. Uchiha: What can I say? I like to throw in the odd wildly unpredictable twist here and there. :p Though there was a sort of reason for it. I needed Sasuke to be in one place for a while and for events to come to him. Only way was to incapacitate him. It'll make sense soon, I hope.

coincident: That is a beautiful story. In an odd way, the main character of that beautiful story reminds me of Sasuke in this one, because when I got to the part when coincident lolled in class, I was like "BAHAHA, OH COINCIDENT!" XD Thank you for such a nice review, and I mean that. Everything you said is basically the reason why I like to write stuff for people. I want them to care about the story and the characters and to let them be absorbed in it for a while so they can leave real life behind, even if just for fifteen minutes. As for the writing style and switching between comedy/angst etc. yeah, I like doing that. One of my favourite authors is actually Geoffrey Chaucer. I studied him at uni, but I've kind of always liked him, mainly because he is a master at swtiching registers: formal/informal, comedy/tragedy - you name it, he's done it, and done it seamlessly. I guess I'm trying to emulate him in an odd way. Bah, I'm coming over all fuzzy now...

cy-grl: Thank you! To be made of awesomeness is never a bad thing. :D

YoungSasuke: Hey, don't apologise for not reviewing sooner. RL does tend to rear its ugly head at inconvenient times. Plus, I haven't updated this thing for two years (I genuinely didn't realise it had been that long) so I guess I should be the one apologising for that. XD Oro and Sauce's revelations in the last chapter were quite admirable, weren't they? It just goes to show that everyone knows they love each other - except themselves. Silly sausages. And yeah, the crash. Tearing down the the impenetrable pride shields they've placed around themselves is a definite factor, but I also needed Sasuke to physically be in one place for a bit. I guess it should make sense soon...

NaruGuru: Long time no see on my part too! Two years is far too long to wait, but I'm writing ADitL again and all is well. Hopefully, haha. Orochimaru was being super childish last chapter. I think he was just nervous about the counselling and coming to terms with how he really feels about Sasuke and having to tell that to a stranger! That and he's pretty childish at the best of times, so he probably can't help it. XD Hope you're doing okay. :)

Furofushi: This story makes owners scare their cats. An unexpected, but interesting outcome, haha. Seriously, though, thanks for the review. I guess I'm lucky the update situation didn't turn into a tragedy after all. :p

Kontraband: Argh, what a nice review! Thank you. :) I have a secret desire to be a published writer someday. Hopefully, if I can finish this, I'll be able to prove to myself that I can do something right that people will actually like and care about. Should bode well for future projects? I'm crossing my fingers... eep!

Shadowfoxsama: Oh, the List! You know, Jiraiya's list is an (edited version with a few additions) of my own, real-life list for festivals. Naruto's is more like the one my brother takes with him, haha.

kacheep: Haha, thank you very much! I would love to be able to publish this, but I don't think Kishimoto's laywers would be too happy about that. XD And thanks for aerious, that is an excellent word (one I never knew existed, so points to you for your superior knowledge!)

ShallowMind: Ummm... how about a two-year wait for an update? Better late than never, right? (I just hope it's okay, though. Goddamn, I'd hate to get back into it and realised my ADitL skillz have just evaporated. Fuck.)

Satashi of the Muffins: Yay! Your new favourite Naruto story? Which has no doubt been superseded by a new, more awesome Naruto story because I took so damn long updating. Ah well. XD

That Nixi Rose: I was planning on updating. Honest. Forty-two has gone through three incarnations, before I realised the second one was the way to go and ended up editing that to hell. Plus, I've changed the ending. Much better now. I sort of realised I didn't want it to end the way I had planned, so I had to make a few changes. It's all good now. I know where I'm going with it, which always helps... :\ The hot dog thing was based on a true story. That gristly hot dog from hell really did exist. Bleurgh.

XxsupersweetsealedwithakissxX: Yes, I have always planned on updating it. The main reason I couldn't... well, I sort of explained it above. Plus, I had to make a few changes. Forty-two has been through the wringer. I hope it doesn't show. Hope you did okay in your GCSE Maths. It was never my favourite subject at school, tbh. Just had no interest in it, though I always admire people who are really good at it. It's not easy.

Dejiko: Yeah, I'm updating again! Really want to finish this, because it's just not cool to leave people hanging like that, especially with a story and characters people care about. I still haven't finished my thesis because I am the WORST PROCRASTINATOR (or best, depending on how you look at it) but I'm taking the same angle on that, i.e. "Just finish it, you pussy. What the hell's the matter with you?" And I am still in the Naruto fandom. I check the manga every week and lurk on NF for spoilers - more out of habit than anything else (got really bored with the so-called "war" before Itachi returned, like a boss.)

Glitterthorn: Is this update okay? [Insert 4chan awesome smiley]