==RANDOM AWESOME HISTORICAL STORY TIME==
On the matter of a certain Rear Admiral George Cockburn: In case you weren't able to find out what happened, I'll just have to tell you the glorious story. It was too long to put at the beginning of the next chapter, is all, and it's just too awesome not to tell you about. In my own "special" way, I suppose.
*Ahem* These, my friends, are the Marvelous Adventures of the Glorious Lord of Smarm, Rear Admiral Cockburn. With a name like Cockburn, how could he not be awesome? And no, he wasn't compensating for anything! Shut up...
If this man was not Red!England in disguise, I don't know who else would be. Though it could be possible he is Prussia in cunning disguise...hmmm...
Rear Admiral George Cockburn was a man who could hold a grudge, the kind of gentleman who was at once absolutely chivalrous and white-gloved and yet an absolute bastard. The American media did not approve of him at all, and in particular a D.C. newspaper, the National Intelligencer, published more than a few scathing comments concerning his practices as the War of 1812 raged. They were not without cause, since in one incident under his command the soldiers of the Canadian Chasseurs (former French prisoners of war fighting for England) went on a raping and murdering rampage (Dang it, France! Why do you have to be such an ass sometimes?) This also brought criticism from the English government, by the way. Cockburn being Cockburn, he tracked down copies of the angry newspapers (especially the Intelligencer because it always had deliciously nasty things to say about him) whenever ashore and read what was being said about him, smirking and cackling the whole time.
When the British landed ashore in force, he was the one who convinced the commanding officer, General Robert Ross, to advance upon the capital. He had his own nefarious plans, of course...
As D.C. burned, he smarmily smarmed his way over to the offices of the National Intelligencer at the head of his men and at the horrified occupants. He was about to order it burned to the ground when some women from next door approached him. It doesn't say their ages, but I'm imagining (and he probably was, too) a mix of old matrons and sweet young things, all trembling at his overpowering British smugness. They pleaded he not burn the building down, as they feared their own houses would catch fire.
Being the gallant gentleman he was, he chivalrously agreed not to burn down the building. But even ladies would not deny Real Admiral George Cockburn his sweet, sweet revenge. He correspondingly ordered his men to tear down the building, brick by brick. And to make sure those rude Americans wouldn't be able to malign the noble name of Cockburn again, he had a rather...creative solution. He ordered his men to get all the metal type used in the printing press, and said:
"Make sure that all the C's are destroyed, so that the rascals can have no further means of abusing my name." And so they did.
With a flourish Cockburn then jumped on his white horse and strolled through D.C., thoroughly enjoying himself, and if I'm any judge was stroking a white cat and grinning the entire time.
And guess what? When he had his official portrait painted, he had the backdrop be of D.C. burning. Sadly, he is not in red in it...but I bet he was at the actual event. I bet he wore red the whole frickin' time.
Oh, and in 1809 he married his cousin. So...yeah.
I tell you people, this is the absolute truth. Here's my source and everything: America's Military Adversaries: From Colonial Times to the Present, by John C. Fredriksen.
And don't worry, guys. The next chapter in Red England will be up later today ;)