I think I zone out for quite some time, though for how long I'm not quite sure. I make my way back to the room and find that Kurt isn't there, but other people are, and they're now moving my body.
I want to yell at them to stop, I want to pull them away and let me try to somehow revive myself, but I know it cant be done, so I just sit in the chair and wait.
They wheel my body away eventually and I feel a sort of tug, but I stay put and it soon fades away.
I'm in the room, all by myself and I cant help but feel like this… this was it. I was going to be here, in this chair, for the rest of my… what ever this was.
I just sit here and let my thoughts fly away with me.
What was going to happen to my family? My friends? How would they react? What was going to happen to Kurt? To my Kurt? Would he move on?
" No!" I cry and I realize my last thought hurt me the most. How could Kurt move on? How could I move on? Of course I'd want him to be happy… but I'd always thought it would be with me.
I'd always had a vision of us growing old together, having one or two kids, a dog… a nice house.
I sniff and realize I am crying. I reach up and touch my face, the skin feeling like silk, the tears like a cool rush of the ocean. My fingertips tingle at the contact and I take a breath.
This was going to take some getting used to. I am about to get up and figure out what to do when the door opens and Kurt walks in. His eyes are still red, his jacket and scarf now on.
I watch as he walks around the room collecting little bits and pieces that made this place feel slightly like home. I can't help but stare at his gentle movements, his head held high.
" You're so strong Kurt" I whisper, though why I bother I don't know. He can't hear me either way. He collects the flowers and Rachel's note, pocketing it as he picks up the bag from under the bed. I can almost see him breaking apart inside as he packs the clothes from the table, his peach lips trembling. I want so desperately to reach out to him and pull him into a strong embrace. I want so badly to just kiss him and tell him I'm here, I'm still here… I'm still his.
I wipe away my tears and follow Kurt as he moves toward the door, not looking back as he walks out into the hall. I take a moment to look around the now plain room and I bite my lip, taking a breath before I follow after Kurt.
" I think I'm just going to go home."
Kurt is talking to Doctor Waters and I can still hear the sadness in his sweet voice.
" Of course. We may need you to answer a few questions, will I be able to call you?" Waters asks and Kurt nods before he receives a small hug from the doctor.
For a moment I envy that man, he can touch my Kurt. He can feel his warmth, I can't. Kurt smiles weakly and moves on down the hall, his feet moving fast along the floor. I dodge around people and… others, not knowing who is who, my eyes on Kurt the entire time.
I wonder if I'll be able to leave the hospital.
Was I still somehow tied to my body?
" This is so messed up," I breathe as I see Kurt start to slowly crumble again, his head lowering as he reaches the doors to the car park. I hurry after him and manage to slip through the door just after him, the wind hitting me hard.
At first I think I've stepped into ice, but after a moment the feeling dies down and I'm able to move once more, Kurt already far ahead of me.
I'd forgotten how fast he could walk so I ran to catch up to him, a silent tear falling down his pale cheek.
" Please don't cry," I say to him but of course I may as well be talking to my self.
I follow him to our car and he throws the things into the back and climbs in the front, slamming the door. I somehow slide through the metal, which feels so very odd, and I sit in the passenger seat, going to buckle my seat belt when my fingers slip through it.
"I'm dead anyway" I mutter and I start to wonder why I haven't yet slipped through the chair and hit the car park floor, but I don't bother dwelling on it because quite frankly I don't care.
Kurt starts to reverse and I knew that if he could hear me, I would never let him drive like this, but he seems to be keeping it together. He turns on the radio and hums along with songs he barely knows, tapping the steering wheel as we reach lights, swallowing when he has to wait to long. I can see him forcing back the tears and it breaks my heart. Someone so beautiful should never be allowed to cry. They should never be allowed to feel this god-awful pain, but he does.
He flicks the station over and a song I recognize is on.
' I'm here without you baby, but your still on my lonely mind'
Kurt flicks the channel over and it's the next song that hits him hard.
' You make me fell like I've living a teenage dream!'
He shuts it off with a bang and he swerves the car over to the side of the street, cars beeping at him as he does.
" Kurt, don't!" I cry as he turns off the engine and lets his head slump onto the steering wheel, shaking as he cries. I would give anything to reach out and hug him, to kiss his cheek, tell it will get better.
I can feel myself cry as I watch him, knowing there is absolutely nothing I can do to help.
" I miss you so much!" he cried to no one and I choke on my breath, my chest tightening.
" I miss you too," I breathe and Kurt sniffles and wipes his eyes, his phone buzzing in his pocket. He pulls it out and glances at it and I see one name.
Rachel.
He ignores it and starts up the engine again, driving silently the rest of the way.
" You know she'll be there right?" I say, looking to my right and Kurt seems to sigh.
" She's going to be there isn't she" he huffs and I let out a small chuckle. He pulls up and cuts the engine, Rachel's car already outside. I follow him out of the car and walk as close as I can to him, wanting nothing more than to take his hand and give it a small squeeze, so I do. Except I go right through him and once again, he gives a small shiver and I frown.
" Can you feel me?" I ask and of course I get no response.
We walk up the many flights of stairs and when we reach our door it bursts open and a crying Rachel is standing there, her make up running, shirt tear stained and she simply pulls Kurt inside and hugs him.
Its what he needed because the moment he feels the soft arms around him he breaks down and sobs into the girls shoulder, mumbling things I can't make out.
I watch the pair for a moment before I walk forward and gently brush my hand across his cheek and I place my lips to Rachel's hair.
She's one of my closest friends and I know she's hurting too.
I look up at our apartment and it's exactly how it should be. Tidy, big, beautiful. It seems Kurt kept it in good shape while I was away. I wonder over to the couch and sit down, Rachel pulling away from Kurt to fix his hair.
" I'm so sorry Kurt" she kisses his cheek and Kurt wipes away his tears and takes a breath.
" We all knew it was happening… I just didn't think it would be so soon." He mumbles and Rachel sits him down beside me while she grabs the ice cream from the freezer and two large spoons.
" Now, I know Blaine would kill us if he found out we were eating this without him, but I think he's make an exception today" Rachel smiled sweetly as she hands Kurt a spoon, sitting cross legged on the couch. Kurt nods once and gently takes some ice-cream from the tub, bringing it to his lips before he starts to sob again, and dumps the spoon in the tub before he stands up and runs out of the room, Rachel taking a small breath.
"Blaine…" she sighs before she stands and puts the ice cream back in the freezer. I stand and walk over to the girl who now has both hands on the kitchen bench, her hair falling into her eyes as she cries silently.
" Rachel, you need to be strong… for Kurt" I reach out to gently rub her back, put I barely touch her as not to go right through the girl. She takes a few moments compose herself before she heads toward the bedroom where Kurt surely is.
I return to my seat on the couch and simply wait.
Rachel and Kurt eventually emerge and Rachel kisses him goodbye and promises she'll be back tomorrow with Finn and she'll bring some food and a few good movies and they can relax.
Kurt gets a call from Cooper, who says he'll be on the next plane home. He also gets a call from Burt that lasts an hour before Kurt says he's tired and he'll go to bed. He hangs up and sits down on the couch, hugs his knees to his chest, letting his chin rest on them.
" Its just so hard" he breathes and I remain silent. There's nothing I can say. It is hard, and my guess is it's going to get even harder.
About and hour passes and Kurt is still sitting there, just staring at the wall. I follow his gaze and I realise he isn't staring at the wall, but a photo. I look closer and I realize it's a photo of us when we were in Hawaii two years ago. I was grinning like a prize fool with my sunglasses atop of my messy curls and Kurt was kissing my cheek whilst smiling, his arms wound tightly around my waist. I sigh and see Kurt's phone light up and so does he.
" Hello?" he asks and his face changes to one of confusion.
" Oh… um… we didn't really talk about it but… I think he wanted to be… yes. Yes that's probably right… thank you… bye." He hangs up and throws the phone down, gets up and moves toward the kitchen. He's changed from his jeans and shirt to one of my baggy shirts and a pair of my track pants. He opens up the freezer and carefully pulls out the ice-cream tub and two spoons.
" Caramel fudge. Very fatty and very delicious" he smiles weakly as he returns to where he was sat, placing the spoon on the chair where I sit.
" Dig in" he whispers as he takes a spoon full of ice cream and eats it, his cheeks red. I smile and can't help but love him even more.
Because this is just typical Kurt, and I love him.
I know that's the one thing that will never change.
But I don't know if that will change for him.