Disclaimer: I do not own the copyright for Waking the dead or its characters – all rights belong to the BBC

Content: Season nine spoilers, friendship, angst.

Rating T – angst

Hey everyone. Okay so we are on the home straight. Hopefully you are still enjoying this. Thanks again for taking the time to read this. As always would love to hear your thoughts. xx

Atonement

Chapter five

Frankie swore under her breath as she replaced the receiver. It had been a long day at the end of a very long week and she had just been preparing to go home when the shrill of the telephone broke through the silence. She knew she shouldn't have answered it, knew that she should have firmly ignored the incessant ringing and continued to walk out the door towards the beer that was currently chilling in her fridge. The first week back was always going to be the hardest, but not even she was prepared for the emotional rollercoaster she had been on during the last five days. She had tried to box everything into neat little compartments in her mind. Work life, home life, personal feelings, but unfortunately these had all become blurred, merging indistinctively and overlapping chaotically, dragging with them immeasurable confusion and frustration.

The whole week she had attempted to avoid Boyd, but it was simply impossible. The nature of her work meant that she was involved at every turn and the nature of the man he was meant that he was right in the middle of everything. The atmosphere between them was awkward and forced resembling nothing like their previous relationship. Neither of them broached the subject, both painstakingly keeping their interactions terse and professional, at least on the surface. Underneath the standoffish cold exterior she displayed Frankie was feeling more confused than ever. Life had been so much easier when she didn't have to think about him, when no-one spoke his name and every memory of him was supressed inside her deeper than she knew was healthy. In that world she could pretend he never existed, that she had never heard of Peter Boyd and that he certainly never broke her heart.

Now she was faced with stark reality every day. A mirror reflecting her own soul. His cavernous eyes haunted her with their sorrow as he faltered when they were alone together. She knew what he was thinking - his thoughts were hers. She knew that he felt it too, his deep soulful eyes betraying the heaviness his true feelings carried. She saw how his gaze lingered longer than necessary, and waited in hopeful anticipation as he opened his mouth as if to speak, only for her heart to sink as all too swiftly he turned away without uttering a word. Both of them were way to stubborn to relent, or admit the extent of their silent torture, instead they chose to carry on the pretence of caring little and desiring nothing. Frankie closed her eyes and sighed deeply pushing past the ache that now rested constantly on her heart. She couldn't pretend to herself any longer. Peter Boyd was painfully, undeniably, irritably, deep under her skin.

Roughly she rubbed her hand across her face in a bid to displace her wayward thoughts before throwing her bag wearily onto the table and leaving the lab.

"Grace" Frankie called out as she moved swiftly through the bull pen. She had come to realise that the less time she spent in here the better. She walked purposefully towards the psychologist's darkened office, noting with annoyance the glow of light radiating from between Boyd's blinds.

"Grace?" She said peering round the door swearing once again in irritation. Grace's office was empty and in semi darkness, her computer switched off for the evening. Damn it, she must be with Boyd. Well there's bugger all chance of me going in there.She thought as she walked further into the office. The low lamp threw an ambient light across Grace's desk, bouncing shadows and silhouettes around the homely space and drawing Frankie's attention. As she moved towards the desk with her back against the door her curiosity rose with her.

"You've just missed her; she's gone home for the evening." The deep familiar voice echoed from behind, startling her.

"What?" Frankie turned the look of confusion resting on her face. Her heart was thumping against her ribcage, but she couldn't determine if it was because he had surprised her, or simply at his proximity. "Grace just phoned asking me to come round to look over her report." She continued.

Boyd shrugged. "Sorry, she has definitely left, about five minutes ago."

"And I suppose you have something to do with this?" She said accusingly holding out a piece of paper and motioning with her head towards the bottle of wine placed purposefully beside two glasses on top of Grace's desk.

"I have absolutely nothing to do with it." He replied bemused taking the paper from her and turning it over in his hands. Written in Grace's distinctive handwriting were three words.

'Just talk please!'

"Yea right!" She said her disbelief evident in her tone.

"I'm serious Frankie; this has nothing to do with me." Boyd retorted, his annoyance rising.

"Doesn't matter anyway ... I'm going home." She replied pushing past him towards the door.

"Hold on, please." He softly said grabbing her arm lightly as she past him.

A tingle of electricity immediately surged within her at the feel of his touch again on her skin. His deep brown eyes intense as he searched hers pleadingly.

"Why?"

"Well, maybe Grace is right. We need to talk." His voice was low and gentle.

"What's left to say Boyd?"

"Everything. Things that five years ago were left unsaid and shouldn't have been." He saw Frankie's eyes soften and reached up to her face gently brushing his fingers across her cheek.

"Don't Boyd!" She answered releasing herself roughly from his grip, fire once again rising in her eyes as she turned making for the door.

"I'm sorry …. Frankie don't leave …. please …. look I'm sorry okay?" He called after her, his voice dropping as she stopped. "At least have a glass of wine, let me try to explain."

"I don't know if I can stir it all up again Boyd."

"Hasn't that been done already? I mean, having you here again. It's hard not to remember how things were when I know you are only a few yards away from me. It's been driving me crazy Frankie."

She closed her eyes; she had known he felt the same. His thoughts were hers. Each unable to purge themselves completely clean of the others intoxicating hold upon them no matter how hard they battled against it. Slowly she turned towards him. Standing in front of her wasn't the imposing controlled figure that he often cast; instead she saw vulnerability in his dark arcane eyes that beckoned her to him. Against her will she found her feet beginning to carry her back inside the office and tentatively she sat onto Grace's sofa.

Boyd smiled gently as he lifted the bottle of wine and began to open it. His head swimming with things he wanted to say to her, needed to say, and yet he felt so inadequate at expressing. Grace was always the one with the words; she always seemed to know the right thing to say at the right moment.

One shot Boyd- don't bugger this up. He mentally berated himself as he held out a filled glass towards Frankie.

"Do you mind?" He asked nodding towards the empty space on the sofa beside her.

She shook her head, taking a long draw from her glass as he sat hesitantly beside her. The room filled with an awkward silence, unrecognisable from the relaxed nature of their relationship in years gone by. Even before they had got together Boyd had often sought Frankie out, knowing that she had the knack of cheering him up and lightening his often darkened mood. They shared a similar sense of humour. Grace would often just roll her eyes, Frankie however, more times than not, laughed unselfconsciously along with him. He loved her laugh. Loved how she didn't care who heard it, or knew when things amused her deeply. He missed it.

Frankie finally broke the uneasy silence by asking the question that had haunted her for five years. "Why did you push me away Boyd?"

"I didn't …"

"Oh come on! If you're not going to be honest then there is not much point to this." Frankie said angrily placing her glass on the table and motioning to stand.

"Frankie …." He elongated her name as he searched for the words within. "…. please." His voice trailed off as he closed his eyes. It wasn't until he felt her settle next to him again that he dared opened them.

"What I mean was, I didn't mean too. I didn't even realise I was doing it at the time, I just knew I couldn't deal with everything." He said honestly.

"That night I came round, the night Mel died, I needed you, but you couldn't even be bothered to answer the door."

Boyd's mind instantly returned him to that evening. The rain was falling relentlessly outside, noisily dancing on the window panes. He had heard the banging on his door, heard her voice calling him, and heard her sobbing uncontrollably. His mobile phone displayed her name as it vibrated loudly on the coffee table beside the half empty whiskey bottle, but still he couldn't face her. How could he look into the eyes of the woman he loved knowing that he was responsible for the death of her best friend? How could he hold her and acknowledge that it was because of him she had to look at Mel's broken body and process the indescribable scene. He should have been able to protect Frankie from the horror that now haunted him daily, but he didn't, instead he subjected her to the same desolate fate. He was the reason Frankie woke in the middle of the night sobbing. He did that to her and he hated himself for it. He didn't want to be loved, didn't deserve it. So instead of facing her he stayed exactly where he was, curled up on his sofa, allowing the pain inside him to rage and fury against the despair that tortured him remorselessly as he wept uncontrollably.

"I know. I'm sorry Frankie."

"Why did you do it?"

"I ….. I just couldn't face you."

"You were gutless Boyd."

"I know." He quietly accepted bowing his head as he spoke. "I was responsible for Mel's death, how could I have ever looked at you knowing that?"

"You weren't responsible Boyd; you didn't know what was going to happen."

"Yea but …"

"We all knew what the risks were."

"But I should have been able to protect her. I sent her in there Frankie. The number of times I have replayed that day over and over in my mind. "

"You can't change the past Boyd. Sometimes you just have to accept it, deal with it and move on."

"You're beginning to sound like Grace."

"I've had a long time to come to terms with Mel's death and the aftermath."

"You were so angry Frankie …. not that I blamed you of course, you had a right to be."

"She was my best friend Boyd, I was angry with everyone and everything. You know, I never thought I'd ever forgive you for what you made me do. How did you ever expect me to behave as though she was just another body that had been found?"

"And that was another reason why I couldn't face you."

"You hurt me." Her voice trailed off as the emotion of the past infused her tone.

"I know, I'm sorry." He rubbed his hand across his face trying to displace the memories. "I'm not proud of it you know. Any of it."

"It took me a while to understand that you were just doing your job. DSI Boyd, always in control, job first, people second."

He lifted his gaze towards her, the sting of her words flashing across his eyes. "Is that what you really think? That I didn't care? That I was just doing my job? It was way more than that Frankie. It was Mel. Do you have any idea what that meant?"

"Of course I do …."

"She was like a daughter to me. I watched her grow and was proud of her, of who she was, what she was achieving. It was about respect. I couldn't bear the thought of just anyone near her, seeing her like that, treating her like just another piece of meat. I've been around for a while Frankie, I know what goes on and yea maybe it sounds stupid but I wanted her to be respected, to have the dignity she deserved. I knew that you would do that. I couldn't trust anyone else with her. Does that make sense? I just …." His voice faltered. "…. I just didn't think what that might do to you."

"It nearly destroyed me Boyd, seeing her like that, having to fight against every emotion, trying to stay professional when inside I was falling apart."

"I thought I was doing what was right, for Mel I mean. I just didn't consider ….."

"It's okay. Grace told me."

"Huh?"

"Grace tried to explain it to me years ago. I supposed it helped me to get my head around some stuff. At the time I was just so angry, I couldn't believe you would be so cruel. The more you wouldn't talk to me, the angrier I became. You know that night, if you had just opened the door ….. yes okay I know I was angry and would have yelled and swore but ultimately I just needed you. Do you even understand that? I needed you Boyd. You could have explained it then, we could have sorted it out, but you left me feeling that you just couldn't give a damn about me or how I felt."

"Don't you think I've thought about that ever since?"

"So what's changed now then?"

"When Luke died I had to face up to a lot of things. Every failure I had made with him, in fact every failure that I'd made, threatened to take me under. I didn't deal with it very well, suppressed it along with everything else. I began turning into something even I didn't recognise. I had darker more dangerous moods and thoughts. No regard for myself or what I was doing to the others around me."

"What did you do?"

"Spoke to Grace …... eventually."

"Did she help?"

"Yea, yea she did as it happens. A few years previously we had a huge row. She told me that I was … repressed, depressed and in denial, I think was how she put it."

"Ouch!"

Boyd laughed lightly before sobering up again. "She was right though wasn't she? As always. It took me a while to understand exactly what she meant. It wasn't until Luke's death that I realised just how deeply I was burying everything and how it was destroying me but I couldn't see any way out. I thought I had begun to come to terms with Mel's death, I even visited her grave once or twice, but loosing Luke just brought everything back, made me realise that I hadn't dealt with anything at all, not properly, including losing you."

"I'm sorry, about Luke I mean."

"Thanks." He said solemnly.

"It must be hard."

Boyd nodded his head imperceptibly his heart pulled down by sorrow. "It is. Though I just can't help thinking …. doesn't matter."

"No come on."

"Seriously, it doesn't matter; you'll think I'm a heartless prick."

"Probably, but I think that anyway so it's okay." She smiled gently at him.

Boyd ran his hand roughly through his hair, sighing deeply as he attempted to formulate his thoughts. "It's just I can't help but think that even though he's dead, and believe me I wish to God that he wasn't, but at least I know. I'm not constantly looking for him in a crowd, wondering where he is, who he's with, if he's okay, or if he needs me. It's given me ….."

"Closure?"

"Yea I suppose, though you never really get closure do you? Not properly."

"No, I guess you don't."

"Part of me coming to terms with Luke's death meant that I had to also deal with Mel's too, once and for all. I had to somehow find a peace within the chaos. I knew I was pushing everyone further and further away, Grace included, but I didn't know how to stop myself. When Grace got ill, I realised that it had to stop. First Mel, then you, and Luke, I couldn't bear the thought of losing Grace too. Do you know we had drifted so far apart that she didn't even tell me that she was sick? That was the wakeup call I needed, and it gave Grace something to concentrate on while she recuperated. I was her pet project." He flashed Frankie a boyish grin, but couldn't hide the vulnerability and pain that nestled deep in his eyes.

"I'm sure she loved that." Frankie said unable to prevent herself from returning his smile.

"Yea, a little too much." He laughed feeling his body relaxing for the first time. "In all seriousness though, she was great, helped a lot. I came to find you, you know."

"Yea I know."

Boyd turned to look at her, his eyebrows raised in surprise.

"Grace mentioned it the other day." Frankie answered in response.

"Hmmm she appears to have been mentioning a lot recently hasn't she? I must have a word with her about that." He said lightly before continuing. "Anyway I wanted to explain, apologise, to see you."

"Why didn't you try to track me down? You could have found me easily enough."

"I wasn't sure how welcome I'd be."

Frankie dropped her gaze, her mind turning cartwheels as she attempted to process his words. "I'm really glad that things have turned around for you Boyd." She eventually offered surprised at how much she meant the words she spoke.

Boyd cleared his throat, but as he began to speak his voice still sounded gravelly. "So what about you? You settled?" His question met with initial uneasy silence. "I'm sorry ….." He continued.

"No, no it's fine." She held her palms up to pacify him. "I was in a relationship for a few years with Alan …."

"Ah, your nice young gentleman friend?"

"Yea, that's the one."

"And now? It just you spoke in past tense."

"We split up about a year ago."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Turns out steady predicable men are not really my type. So what about you?" She ventured tentatively before mentally berating herself at the innate destructive desire within her to find out about his personal life.

Boyd shook his head slowly.

"Oh come on! Don't try to tell me there isn't some young blonde draping of you."

"I'm serious, there's not! There's only been one, Sarah, but she wasn't blonde and anway it didn't work out."

"You've only been with one person since we split up."

"Well I didn't say that." His eyes twinkled mischievously. "Sarah was the only long term relationship I've had, not that it could even be deemed long term to be honest."

"What happened?"

"She was in America, I was here."

"Long distance relationships never really stand a chance do they?"

"Hmm, well actually it was a little more than just the distance."

"Really?" She asked picking up the loosely concealed regret in his voice.

"Yeah. I suppose she wanted more than I could give."

"In what way?"

"I just couldn't love her, not in the way she wanted, or deserved."

"Oh, I see."

"No, I don't think you do. I couldn't love her, Frankie, mainly because I couldn't forget you. Which is the reason I wanted to find you."

"Boyd, don't do this please."

"Why not?" He shrugged.

"Because I'm not ready."

Boyd's adams apple rose and fell heavily as he swallowed hard. "Not ready for what?" He shrugged lightly, his eyes holding her gaze.

"For this. You being nice to me. For forgiving you."

He leaned closer to her. "Frankie … I've missed you."

"Boyd don't ….."

"I'm serious Frankie; there hasn't been a day when I haven't thought of you." Slowly he reached up and gently cupped her face."

"I'm sorry I can't do this." She said pulling away from him and rising abruptly to her feet.

Boyd's swift moment surprised her as suddenly he was standing directly in front of her his deep brown eyes still intensely burning into hers. She felt her breath catch as his low baritone voice filled the space between them. "Just look me in the eyes Frankie, tell me that you don't feel the same way and I'll never mention it again."

"Leave it Boyd okay!" She warned.

"Just say it and I will."

"Damn it Boyd, why can't you let it go?"

"Just say it."

"This is stupid. I'm going home." She tore her eyes from his, turning her back, she began walking.

"I still love you Frankie." His deep voice was low and sincere stopping Frankie in her tracks.

Five years she had longed to hear him say those words. Five long years when she had replayed every moment of their relationship over and over in her mind wondering if there was anything she could have done to make him love her enough to let her in. It had taken her a long time to get to this point of her life when finally she had made peace with herself and with a few words he had left her once again in turmoil.

"I can't let you do this to me again."

"Do what?"

She turned to face him, her pulse like a racing train hurtling towards oblivion. "Hurt me. Use me. Leave me. Take your pick Boyd." She answered brusquely.

He shook his head gently, his eyes never leaving her. "It's not gonna happen."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I've known what it's like to have you and to let you go. I will never make the same mistake twice."

Frankie's heart pulsated as he began to close the gap between them. She tried to control her breathing, her lungs rapidly fighting for air battled against her body as it sought to respond to him of its own volition. He was close, so close she felt his breath on her neck, warm and familiar. She could almost hear his heartbeat as he stood quietly drinking her in. She knew she should leave, break the spell that he had once again cast over her, but her legs were heavy and no matter how hard she tried she was unable to make them take even the smallest step away from him. Her eyes were transfixed on his. He was intoxicating. Time stood still and then melted like spring snow dissipating the years that had been lost to them. And still he moved closer.

"Just tell me Frankie … tell me you don't feel this."

She closed her eyes, her mind screaming for her to leave, her heart forbidding her to move.

"Just say it …" He moved closer, his breathing fast and rapid matched her own.

She felt his lips enticingly close to hers as he hesitantly waited for her reply.

"Say it Frankie and I'll leave." He whispered softly.

"I ….. I can't ….." He didn't wait for her to finish, his lips claiming hers impatiently. He felt her palms on his chest initially push against him, before finally she relented. Years of hurt and anger instantaneously dissolved around them as they eagerly rediscovered one other.

"This is it Frankie, whatever it takes, I'm staying right here okay?" He said holding her tightly.

"One step at a time Boyd, please don't make promises you can't keep."

"I've every intention of keeping this promise - I told you, I don't make the same mistake twice." He grinned widely as once again he covered her lips with his own.