Equestria: The Adventures of Sniper and Heavy
Chapter 1: The Adventure Begins
A note from Medic: And now it's time for ze responses. Oh, do forgive ze author if ze sentences sound funny. I have warned him not to write fictions late at night but zat dummkopf never listens to sound advice. In other notes, this is another *nearly* successful procedure.
angel 16: Thank you for liking!
Ancient2Fox: I'll try to update daily but assignments are a bitch. Thank you for reading!
NecromancerX69: I am Painis Cupcakes! I will eat you! :D
G.I.U.L.I.O: Yeah, I forgotten about the line break function. Silly me.
The first thing Heavy felt after regaining consciousness was a dull pain in his chest. It felt like as if a ton of bricks were placed on his chest and breathing felt painful and laborious. Heavy was laying on his back and the Russian noticed he was in the middle of a forest. Could he be in the Amazons like what the Medic said? For once, Heavy was thankful that for being fat because the fat in him absorbed some of the impact when he fell to the ground. Nevertheless, he was still hurt.
Heavy got back onto his feet and checked his inventory. His sandvich was missing but it was okay because he still had Sasha, his minigun, though the ammo drum had dented a little as a result of the fall. Heavy revved up Sasha but did not pull the trigger. It worked fine and Heavy let out a sigh of relief before hugging his gun lovingly.
"Sasha is okay, Heavy is happy," Heavy said.
It was quite foggy and wherever he was, it did not feel right. The forest was too quiet and Heavy could only hear the faint sounds of a river. He was definitely lost but Heavy decided to find his way out of the forest by following a worn-out path. It did not take him long before he encountered the remains of a castle.
"This is not Amazon," he said to himself.
The castle seemed like a European castle judging by its design but the surrounding forest did not seem like any forest that could be found in Europe. Heavy was puzzled but said nothing more. He decided to explore the ruins instead to see what he could find. With Sasha equipped, the fat Russian entered the ruins and his jog turned into a slow walk as he took his time to examine the designs of the ruins. As he explored further and deeper into the ruins, he found himself in a chamber with a stone pedestal at the other end.
Heavy kept Sasha and went to the pedestal to examine it. Just as he neared it, Heavy noticed several black metal shards on the grimy stone floor. He picked one of the pieces up and examined it. It looked a lot like Haunted Metal Scraps left behind by the Horseless Headless Horsemann and what unnerved him was that the metal felt almost exactly like Haunted Metal Scraps.
"Aw, this is bad," Heavy said when he realized that the Horseless Headless Horsemann could be in here.
Not wanting to face such a powerful enemy alone, Heavy quickly left the chamber but kept one of the pieces of metal in his pocket. Heavy returned to the path and followed it in the other direction instead. He came across a broken wooden bridge but Heavy looked around and spotted a fallen tree that linked his side of ravine to the other side. The trunk looked weathered and full of moss and fungi but Heavy decided to cross it anyway. Heavy stepped onto the makeshift bridge and with an unusual amount of dexterity, he managed to cross it though he had nearly lost his balance a few times due to Sasha's weight. When he stepped off the tree trunk, the entire thing gave out and crumbled into pieces and fell down into the ravine.
"That was close," Heavy muttered.
He felt the metal in his pocket pulse again and this time it disturbed him. If the metal was alive, that could mean big trouble. The Russian discarded the metal and went on his way. While he was busy finding his way out, Heavy's stomach started to growl hungrily. According to his watch, it was only two in the afternoon but the color of the sky had a yellow-orange hue. It was evening here and Heavy had to find civilization and fast if he were to get out of the forest alive.
While Sniper loved a good chat, he did not appreciate a blabbermouth (especially people like Scout). Two hours ago, he met a river serpent with a head of hair and moustache and ever since then, the serpent had been blabbering about who he was and how his life as a river serpent was like and all Sniper could do was sit on a boulder and listen to him blab away for two hours. He had been kind enough not to stop the serpent but with daylight running out and his patience wearing thin, Sniper cleared his throat loudly to get the attention of the river serpent.
"Oh, I'm sorry, you wanted to say something?" the river serpent asked when he heard Sniper clear his throat.
"No, but I really have to go," Sniper answered with his arms crossed.
"Oh dear, I'm so sorry for keeping you here and listening to me talk so much. I've been talking so much that I didn't get your name," the river serpent remarked.
"Just call me Sniper," Sniper replied.
"Sniper…that's a funny name. Say, what kind of creature are you? I've never seen your kind around here before," said the river serpent inquisitively while sizing up Sniper.
"I'm a human and if you really don't mind, I want to know where the nearest settlement is," Sniper said impatiently.
"Nearest settlement…nearest settlement…ah, you see that path over there?" the river serpent said and pointed and a dirt path not far from where Sniper stood, "just follow that path and it'll bring you to a small town."
"Thanks mate, I appreciate the help," Sniper replied and put on his hat and picked up his sniper rifle.
"It's good to meet new faces once in a while. I'll see you when I see you, Sniper. So long!" the river serpent waved goodbye and dived into the river.
"Pah, good riddance," Sniper muttered.
The Australian sharpshooter got off the boulder he was sitting on and adjusted his black vest and red shirt. It was still wet and it was getting really uncomfortable. What he needed was a safe spot to start a campfire so he could dry his clothes. He lived off the land before and living in jungles with minimal supplies was nothing new to him. Sniper was also hungry but Heavy's sandvich was soggy after soaking in water so Sniper discarded it. Better to hunt for wild meat than eat a soggy sandvich which would obviously taste horrible.
He followed the narrow dirt path through the forest and this was the only time when he was truly alone without his other team mates bugging him. The coolness and quietness for the forest gave Sniper an opportunity to think and assess the situation he was in now. Judging by the trees of the forest, he could be in the Amazon like what Medic said but then again, the atmosphere did not feel anything like a tropical forest. The air was not humid enough.
"Alright, I just talked to a talking…serpent thing and logic would dictate that it could not be possible at all. Maybe this is a dream…" Sniper muttered to himself thoughtfully while rubbing his chin.
Sniper stopped in his tracks and pinched himself, hoping that it was really just a dream but he felt pain when he did that and this time, he tried touching the environment around him. He felt the ground, the trees, and the flowers and even chewed on some wild edible berries. They all felt and tasted real and Sniper was sure he was awake the whole time. Unable to find a rational explanation for a talking river serpent, Sniper decided not to think about his meeting with the serpent any further.
He heard rustling noises come behind some bushes and with quick reflexes, Sniper unslung his rifle and his walks became tiptoes. Sniper approached the bushes and slowly pushed aside the bush to see what was behind it. It was a wild doe and it was grazing grass with two fawns. Sniper crouched low as to keep a low profile so the deer would not spot him easily. Slowly, Sniper leveled his rifle and aimed for the doe's head. Sniper had turned off the laser designator as not to attract any attention.
"I'm having wild meat tonight and you're my dinner," Sniper said to himself softly in a cold and professional voice.
He took note of the rifle's charge bar as it slowly filled up. Once the charge bar was full, it allowed Sniper to fire his weapon for high damages. It was very useful during battles, especially against heavy hitters with high damage thresholds like the BLU Heavy. Getting it to charge fully requires him to keep on aiming at the target and it required a lot of skill. Shooting a static target such as the doe was a piece of cake and all Sniper needed to do was to pull the trigger. He had to be quick though or his meal would run away.
"Yes…just stay there," Sniper muttered.
Just when his charge meter was about to fill up and Sniper was getting ready to deliver the fatal shot, another foreign sound disturbed the doe and her fawns. The three deer took flight and Sniper cursed softly under his breath. Still hidden behind the bush, Sniper listened closely for the foreign sound. It came from a small cliff some distance away from where Sniper was hiding and through the scope, Sniper saw a group of ponies walking on the cliff and was headed towards the river. Sniper raised an eyebrow in confusion when he saw one of the ponies talk. He could not hear what the pony was saying but it was clear the pony's mouth moved like as if it was talking. Another thing that confused him further was that the pony had a horn while the rest had wings or looked like a normal pony. Some had bright colors while others had dark colors. They even showed expressions such as anger and amusement.
"Holy dooley, I think I must be dreaming again!" Sniper exclaimed.
Now he was really confused. First a talking river serpent, now a group of ponies with human traits. He was either nearing a top secret research facility that researched on talking creatures or he was still dreaming. The former seemed plausible though he doubted that even mega corporations like Mann Co. would pursue such nonsense. Who needs talking ponies with mutations when they could just send humans and machines to get things done? There were many questions raised in Sniper's mind now but his hunger got the best of him.
"You're lucky that I'm not shooting you for chasing away my prey," Sniper mumbled angrily and went off to find other sources of food.
Heavy was scratching his bald head thoughtfully. He was standing in front of a river that was too dangerous to swim across and there were no bridges in sight except for several exposed stones which required him to leap from one stone to the other if he were to get across. Heavy considered turning around to find another way across but he did not fancy the idea of exploring the dark forest alone and daylight was running out fast.
"Very well, I will take the risk," Heavy said with confidence.
He leapt onto the first stone and tried to maintain his balance. The stones were flat but they were wet and slippery. If he lost his balance, he could fall into the river and be swept away by its currents. Heavy was used to dying as he was killed multiple times during tournaments and battles against BLU team but this time, there was no spawn machine and if he dies, that was it.
The fat Russian leapt from stone to stone and so far, he was lucky to maintain his balance despite his heavy body weight and the weight of his beloved minigun. However, just when he was about to leap towards the last stone, Heavy slipped and plunged into the river. He struggled to keep his head above the surface but the river dragged him under and Heavy swallowed a mouthful of water every time it happened. Heavy felt like he was going to drown when something grabbed him by his shirt collar and lifted him out of the water. The thing that grabbed him then deposited him at the river bank.
"You're lucky that I happen to come across you, fat one. I've forgotten about my wallet," someone said in a flamboyant and dramatic voice.
Heavy coughed out water that got into his lungs and took three deep breaths and sighed in relief. He was about to thank his rescuer and a smile was on his face but the smile was quickly replaced with a look of confusion when he saw that his rescuer was a purple river serpent with a head of hair and moustache.
"What are you?" Heavy asked.
"Oh me? I'm just a friendly neighborhood river serpent," answered the river serpent. "Say, are you a human too?" the serpent asked.
"Yes, Heavy is human," Heavy replied with uncertainty as he was unsure whether he was hallucinating or not.
"Oh goody, another human friend! You know, not too long ago, I met another human. He had a red shirt like you too and he has a pair of shades. Mm, he's got style," the serpent said with a nod.
"Oh ho, that must be Sniper! Sniper is my friend," Heavy said happily.
"Oh, how nice! If you're looking for him, he went down that dirt path. Just follow it," the river serpent remarked and pointed at the dirt path that was next to Heavy.
"Thank you!" Heavy replied with a wide grin.
"You're welcome! Say hi to your friend for me, will you? I'll see you when I see you," the river serpent said and dove beneath the river.
Heavy stood there for a while as his mind processed what just happened. It was clear he just interacted with something but how could it be possible that a giant talking river serpent existed? This one even had more hair than Heavy's head! Heavy wanted to think that the existence of a talking river serpent was a dream but if it was, who saved him from drowning then?
The fat Russian thought about it for a while and laughed loudly. It was impossible that a talking creature existed. It must be his sheer will of survival that allowed him to swim to shore and save himself from drowning. That has to be the explanation. Just when Heavy thought his explanation could never be wrong, he saw the river serpent surface again and it looked at Heavy while Heavy looked back with his jaws dropped.
"Oh, you're still here. I've forgotten my wallet. Well, I'll see you some other time, my human friend. I'm late for my pedicure," the river serpent said and went away.
"It's not possible!" Heavy exclaimed a few seconds later.
Sniper cursed his bad luck and the ponies that scared his prey away. He tried looking for other food sources and all he got were some wild berries. He kept the berries inside his vest's pocket and popped some into his mouth whenever he felt like eating. It felt like he had been walking for hours and his plan to start a campfire was dashed when it started raining. Night was fast approaching and even though his clothes were already dry, his socks were still wet and it was getting uncomfortable for him.
Just then, something caught his attention. From where he was standing, it looked like there was a small town at yonder at the end of the forest. Sniper used his rifle's scope to confirm his sightings and it turned it out that there was really a town at the end of the forest. With a rare smile on his face, Sniper made a dash for the end. He was looking forward to a good meal, dry feet and a place to rest for the night but when he almost neared the end of the forest, he saw a pink pony standing on the bridge which spanned across a small stream that separated the town and the forest. Sniper quickly stopped in his tracks.
"Another pony? Don't tell me this one could talk too," Sniper thought to himself. "Um…hello there, little pony," Sniper said.
The pink pony stared at him for a few seconds before she did a long and loud gasp while floating in midair as if it had seen a ghost and zipped away in the opposite direction. Sniper had seen crazy reactions but this one took the cake for being bizarre. The pony actually defied gravity when she did the gasp while floating in midair.
"What was that all about?" he wondered to himself.
If this town was a town of talking ponies, Sniper did not know what kind of reception he would receive so he decided to play it safe and snuck into town quietly. The night was still young so there were still ponies on the streets though not enough to call a crowd. Sniper observed their every move as he hid from one building to the other. They definitely exhibited human traits, they talked and they hung out in places like restaurants, parks and cafes. If ponies built this town, Sniper could not fathom how they did it when they had no fingers to grip onto tools.
Sniper approached what seemed like the center of town and there was plenty of open area for him to expose himself. His made a quick scan of the area and found that there was a bridge that led to another part of town but it was at the other end of the town square. Sniper had no choice but to use the buildings as cover and made one big round until he reached the bridge. So far so good and just when he was about to congratulate himself for being such a professional in sneaking, someone pulled the tail of his shirt. Sniper was startled and quickly turned around to see who did that. It was the same pink pony and this time, instead of acting as if it had seen a ghost, it smiled at Sniper with a wide grin.
"Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie! What are you? What's your name? What is that long thingy you have behind you?" the pink pony asked rapidly and pointed at Sniper's weapon.
She spoke too loud and Sniper did not want to expose himself to unwanted attention so he grabbed her by the mouth and handled her as if he was holding the pony hostage. She was surprised by his actions and struggled to free herself but Sniper was stronger than her. Luckily though, he did not intend to hurt her…unless she tries to reveal him.
"You say your name was Pinkie Pie, yes?" Pinkie nodded her head. "Alright, Pinkie, listen to me and listen closely," Sniper whispered, "I want you to take me to your establishment and if you try to make any noise that will reveal me, I'll slit your throat nice and clean. You got that?" he asked and pointed the tip of his kukri at the pink pony's face.
Rather than feel threatened, Sniper saw that Pinkie was still smiling at him. Sniper did not let go of her mouth since he could not afford the pink pony's mouth to run off and attract a crowd so he asked her to point the way. The Australian was led to a building which looked like a gigantic confectionary and Sniper gingerly opened the door. It was all quiet and no one was in sight. He let himself in and slowly closed the door before letting go of Pinkie Pie.
"Listen you, I want you to answer some questions I have for you. Where am I and how is that animals here talk?" Sniper asked as he turned his attention to the grinning pink pony.
"You're a silly filly," Pinkie Pie remarked energetically, "not all animals here talk and you're now in Ponyville! Gasp, you're new here! We should throw a party!" Pinkie Pie said loudly while leaping up and down happily.
Sniper panicked the moment she started talking loudly and again he reached for his kukri but when he felt his utility belt for it, his melee weapon was missing. Frantically, he searched about for it until he saw that Pinkie Pie was toying with it.
"How'd you - "
"Oh, what is this? Is that a knife? Why does it look so different? Why is it curved?" Pinkie Pie asked in rapid succession.
"I'm gonna shut that wanka up even if I have to…where's my gun?" Sniper exclaimed when his sniper rifle was missing.
He looked at Pinkie Pie again and again, she took his weapon without him noticing it at all. She played around with the scope and peered through and laughed when she saw the Sniper's angry and confused face magnified.
"What do you call this? Is it a toy? Why is there a red dot in the middle of this thing?" she asked while playing with the sniper scope.
Sniper sighed in exasperation and planted his face into the palm of his right hand. Maybe he should just stop trying to make sense of where he was right now. Dream or not, it became apparent to Sniper that this was not the world he knew of and lived in. Sniper sat on the floor and thought of what to do next.
"I give up…" Sniper muttered when he could not think of anything.
"Were we playing a game? Did I win something?" Pinkie Pie asked the downtrodden Australian.
"No…I just…I mean…this doesn't make sense. Some time ago, I'm in Dustbowl minding my own business. Now I'm in the middle of who-knows-what place this is and all I see are talking ponies," Sniper muttered.
"You're a silly thing you know," Pinkie Pie remarked. "All ponies talk and if you're looking for a dustbowl, I've got one."
She went to the cupboard and retrieved a bowl that was not used for a long time and it was covered with dust and dirt. Pinkie handed Sniper the bowl but all she got was a look of confusion.
"What? You said you wanted a dustbowl," Pinkie said.
"I didn't mean that kind of dusty bowl," Sniper said with a smile. "But…thank you…for…well…trying to help."
"You're welcome!" Pinkie said happily. "But, what are you anyway? I don't think I've seen your kind before."
"For starters, mate, I'm a human and I come from a country called Australia. As for what I do for a living…it's a long story," Sniper said flatly.
Pinkie Pie sat on the floor and listened to Sniper tell his life's story.
Meanwhile, Heavy took a different route to town. He ended up at the other side of town instead and found himself standing in front of a cozy-looking cottage. Since it was already night and Heavy did not fancy staying in the forest, he went up to the front door and knocked on it. When nobody answered the door, Heavy knocked at it again. This time, he heard a soft voice come from inside.
"Coming," the voice called out sweetly.
When the door opened, Heavy's eyes were wide open. Instead of a human, he was looking a yellow winged pony with a pink mane. The pony stared back at the towering Russian with an expression of fear in its face.
"Uh…is little pony okay?" Heavy asked.
The pony shuddered for a bit and finally fell to the floor, petrified from shock. While Heavy was a tough guy with a rather simple vocabulary, he was a lovable man at heart and he was what most people called a gentle giant, if there was no battle that is. Heavy quickly picked up the petrified pony with his strong hands and put it down on a couch. For some reason, Heavy felt pity for the pony and waited for it to calm down. It was a long wait but after a while, the yellow pony finally regained its composure but it was still cautious of Heavy.
"Little pony is funny," Heavy said while chuckling at the yellow pegasus.
"Um…eep," the pony squeaked shyly.
"Don't worry, little pony, Heavy is good guy and Heavy don't hurt innocent little pony," Heavy said while trying to assure the timid pegasus that he meant no harm.
The pegasus nodded her head slowly. Since it did not seem like he was welcomed, Heavy wanted to leave the cottage but he felt a small tug on his pants. The Russian turned around and saw the yellow pegasus staring up at him.
"Um…sorry…I didn't mean to make you feel unwelcome," the pegasus said softly. "You look like you're tired. Please stay for a while."
Heavy paused for a while and smiled at Fluttershy.
"Da, Heavy will stay for a while. Thank you, little pony!"
"Please, call me Fluttershy," the pegasus said with a soft smile on her face.
End Note: Valve owns TF2 while Hasbro own MLP:FiM.