Hi. Sorry I have taken so long to post this chapter. This is the final chapter for this particular story and I hope to have more stories for this universe up soon. I am curious, though if anyone has been catching the references I have been putting in. Nothing major, but I was curious if anyone had.
Hello John. If you are reading this, that means I have either succeeded in my task or have perished and Mycroft has delivered this to you and told you of my temporary survival. If the latter, Mycroft will now be making preparations to ensure your continued safety and I trust that you follow his instructions. In either case, this is all the responses I could never send to you to the messages you wrote me (attached below). If the latter I hope they bring you all the comfort your message gave me.
Subject: Please come home
To: Sherlock Holmes (we_miss_u at Baker St . com)
Date: Wed, 13 Jul 2011, 03:24:56
From: John H. Watson (thebachelor2541891 at hotmail . com)
Dear Sherlock,
To be honest, I don't know why I'm writing this. I used to hate how you would always borrow my laptop when you were too lazy to use your own and your complete lack of any concept of privacy, but I would give anything for you to do it now. To know that somewhere, somehow you are reading this, if only to tell you how sorry I am. You were my best friend in the world and I let you down…
Damn it, I wasn't meant to be telling you that. I was meant to be telling you about my day and what I have been up to, but it just seems so trivial and pointless. You'd probably think the same if you bothered to listen.
I smiled today. I met this woman named Mary Morstan and I smiled and I haven't stopped feeling guilty since then. We are going out for coffee again tomorrow.
I never thought I would miss hearing the violin at 3 o'clock in the morning.
Yours sincerely,
John Watson
To: John H. Watson (thebachelor2541891 at hotmail . com)
From: Sherlock Holmes (we_miss_u at Baker St . com)
Subject: RE: Please come home
Dear John,
I am relieved that you have finally stopped accusing me of stealing the thing. As you can now see I have in fact read your message and I must now inform you that you are being an idiot. You never doubted me, even as I tried my hardest to make you do so, and so if anyone was let down it was you.
As for the trivial, I don't find all that much of it at present and would much appreciate all the inane chatter you can manage.
Thankyou for being my most loyal and truest friend,
Your,
SH
Subject: Mary
To: Sherlock Holmes (we_miss_u at Baker St . com)
Date: Tue, 20 Sep 2011, 01:22:53
From: John H. Watson (thebachelor2541891 at hotmail . com)
Dear Sherlock,
I am determined to talk about Mary today and I don't care how boring you think that is. Ok, Mary. Well first I have to say she is lovely. She isn't extraordinary, but she is pretty and smart. Ok, she isn't as smart as you, but then again no one ever is. She's patient and kind and funny. She is pretty much perfect and she doesn't mind when I'm quiet. In fact she says she's glad for it. Apparently she lost her father when she was young and never really got over it and I…
I miss you. That's all there is to it. I miss you so much and it's not getting better. You are still gone and it still hurts and I refuse to go back to that rock in the ground. To read the lie that you won't ever be coming back. I still don't know who I am without you. You gave my life so much meaning.
Still wishing for my miracle,
Yours very sincerely,
John Watson
To: John H. Watson (thebachelor2541891 at hotmail . com)
From: Sherlock Holmes (we_miss_u at Baker St . com)
Subject: RE: Mary
Dear John,
As I have met Miss Morstan on more than one occasion, so I do find your choice in topic to be a dull one at best. Your absence is noted most frequently and I have found myself writing down some of my cases and though I may never live this down, I can only say that you write them far better than I did. Before you there was just the case, followed by long stretches of self destruction. Not that the case isn't still most important, but you listen to me and stand up for and to me, you put up with all my habits and whims and I still remain important to you and I am grateful for you.
Thankyou John, for being in my life,
Your,
SH
For a long moment, John just sat and looked at the screen, blinking furiously. No, he wasn't crying. It's just… Damn he was crying, but it was all his stupid room mates fault; him and his stupid competitiveness. For a moment John tried to imagine reading this after finding out that Sherlock had survived, only to die trying to keep John safe in a manner akin to poking a new bruise, knowing it would hurt, but John's mind rebelled against the premise of the thought and he was halfway out of the chair before he realised he wanted to check on Sherlock. Sitting down again he resolutely scrolled down and looked at the next email.
Subject: Christmas
To: Sherlock Holmes (we_miss_u at Baker St . com)
Date: Sun, 25 Dec 2011, 22:36:34
From: John H. Watson (thebachelor2541891 at hotmail . com)
Dear Sherlock,
I spent Christmas with Harry, Mary and Mrs Hudson. It was quiet. Mary bought me a CD of violin music, but it was just a dull echo of the vibrancy that you manage to weave into your own. The violin in your hands is better than anything at showing how you're feeling and don't try and deny it. I would even prefer listening to that awful cat screech you play when you're annoyed than listen to someone else for one second.
That's your plan isn't it?
To make me miss you so much that when you come home I will be so thrilled at seeing you that you are free to do whatever you want without me or Mrs Hudson complaining. Well I don't call you a genius for nothing so if you would be so kind as to come home now and be our Christmas miracle? It would be much appreciated.
Yours very sincerely,
John Watson
To: John H. Watson (thebachelor2541891 at hotmail . com)
From: Sherlock Holmes (we_miss_u at Baker St . com)
Subject: RE: Christmas
Dear John,
I nearly bought you a Christmas present today. Completely out of character I know. It was a key chain I found in a small shop I stumbled into while on a case and from it's inscription it was a souvenir based on you blog. Mycroft teased me merciless about it and I am about to get a plane out of the country to escape him.
I look forward to exploiting your promises immensely.
Your,
SH
Subject: Christmas
To: Sherlock Holmes (we_miss_u at Baker St . com)
Date: Mon, 2 Jan 2012, 02:45:18
From: John H. Watson (thebachelor2541891 at hotmail . com)
Dear Sherlock,
I was talking to Harry and she asked me if I would find a place of my own again. Apparently as much as she likes having me there and as helpful as I have been in helping her to stay clean, she needs some space of her own and so with that in mind I have now returned to 221B Baker Street. I would like to say this will be just a temporary thing, that I will stay until I find something better, but Mrs Hudson is so happy for me to be back and it is such a relief to be able to talk to someone who knew you like I did, who still misses you, that I haven't actually been looking too hard for a new place. Mary doesn't mind at least, as she loves spending time with Mrs Hudson.
It's too quiet.
Yours very sincerely,
John Watson
To: John H. Watson (thebachelor2541891 at hotmail . com)
From: Sherlock Holmes (we_miss_u at Baker St . com)
Subject: RE: At home again
Dear John,
It is too quiet. It appears I too have grown used to listening to you do whatever it is you do when I'm busy. I turned on the TV yesterday only to shut it off when I found that it wasn't the same without you there and that's the problem. You're not here and I know it, and it's because I know it that I can't pretend that you are. Before I could start talking and know you could be listening. You could look at me and tell me I'm a genius. That I'm amazing and other people have too, but no one means it like you do. These cases seem to be taking far too long and aren't as fun without you.
Wretchedly yours,
SH
Subject: One Year
To: Sherlock Holmes (we_miss_u at Baker St . com)
Date: Sat, 16 Jun 2012, 04:43:12
From: John H. Watson (thebachelor2541891 at hotmail . com)
Dear Sherlock,
I can't believe you have been out of my life for one year already. It seems too impossible. I received a card from Molly and an email from Lestrade today, but I haven't looked at either one. Mary asked about you a month ago. She was curious as to when you… left. I don't know what I would have done without her. She is truly a Godsend. Maybe she's my compensation for not getting my other miracle. I still haven't gone back you know. Because I know that when I do I won't be able to stop and Mary will leave and she is all that's holding me together at this point.
I saw my therapist a month after you left and I lied to her.
I told her you were gone and I will never be able to believe that.
I…
You're really gone aren't you?
Fuck.
To: John H. Watson (thebachelor2541891 at hotmail . com)
From: Sherlock Holmes (we_miss_u at Baker St . com)
Subject: RE: One Year
Dear John,
To be honest I'm not quite sure how to reply to this. I have never had someone care about me as much as you seem to. It's good of you. To care I mean. Maybe if I no that won't work but I could possibly no unless you are a great source of inspiration John. Even when you aren't here.
Your,
SH
Subject: Didn't help
To: Sherlock Holmes (we_miss_u at Baker St . com)
Date: Wed, 1 Aug 2012, 04:43:12
From: John H. Watson (thebachelor2541891 at hotmail . com)
Dear Sherlock,
You'd think that me, finally telling Mary about you, about how I last saw you, about the wonderful disaster you made of my life, the fact that you managed to be arrogant and superior even while standing in Buckingham Palace in nothing but a sheet that was only barely covering you. You would think that I would have finally accepted you're gone. You would think that now that I have been living at Baker Street again for nearly six months that it would stop feeling like I'm living with a ghost and that's ridiculous because that would mean your dead and now I'm being ridiculous because of course you're dead. You are dead, ok. I stood there while you passed on your final message and then I saw you die. You died. You're dead. You're deceased. You kicked the bucket. You have both feet in the grave that I absolutely refuse to visit. You are gone. I won't wake up at 3AM because you are playing the violin and can't sleep. I won't get kidnapped by your brother because he has decided that he can't possibly tell you anything and I have to tell you instead. I don't have to leave in the middle of dates because you want me to pass you the laptop that's on the other side of the room. I am currently in my longest romantic relationship ever (Mary, eleven months). I don't have to apologise for cancelling appointments because you are in the middle of a case or because you're being a dick to someone who doesn't deserve it. I don't have to count the hours since you last ate/drank/slept…
…and it turns out that you not being in my life is driving me more insane than you ever did whilst in it. I never told you this, but I have had the exact same dream since you… since you died, ok. You are on the roof and I decide to ignore you or I try and do something or I do nothing as I listen to you cry and fuck Sherlock your were crying and then you fall and no matter what I do I can't stop you and I can't save you. I was meant to save you. That's how it works right? Your drive me insane and I keep you from doing stupid things and killing yourself. Like forgetting to eat or building a bomb in the bathroom. I should have saved you and I don't care if it was impossible. You were the definition of impossible and that never stopped you…
Please do the impossible again,
Yours forever,
John Watson
To: John H. Watson (thebachelor2541891 at hotmail . com)
From: Sherlock Holmes (we_miss_u at Baker St . com)
Subject: RE: Didn't help
My God John, do you realise just how utterly ridiculous you are being. If I couldn't have found a way out there is no chance that you could have. Mycroft is telling me calm down because according to him I am rushing too much and making errors. I don't make errors. All I'm doing is
Subject: Hi again
To: Sherlock Holmes (we_miss_u at Baker St . com)
Date: Fri, 12 Oct 2012, 01:53:49
From: John H. Watson (thebachelor2541891 at hotmail . com)
Dear Sherlock,
I really can't help myself, can I? Well it's been two months since I last wrote you an email (at least) and… You know how I said that I had been dating Mary for a while… No of course you don't. You would consider it a waste of space and delete it. Anyway that's not the point, (See it's all about you even when you're not here to make sure of it), the point is that Mrs Hudson asked me today if I think I will marry Mary and I froze and I don't know why. Despite being called a 'confirmed bachelor', I do try to date people with a permanent relationship in mind, but now that I have one that's relatively healthy and stable, my mind keeps telling me that it's wrong. That you should be here controlling my life.
You always did… You did…
To: John H. Watson (thebachelor2541891 at hotmail . com)
From: Sherlock Holmes (we_miss_u at Baker St . com)
Subject: RE: Hi again
Dear John,
I eagerly await every single one of your emails, so do not ever apologise for writing. Mycroft is driving me insane. He is being absolutely impossible to work with. SO please, babble on, you are the most interesting thing happening here at the moment, even if you do persist on talking about... what's her name. Please write soon.
Your avid reader,
SH
P.S. You're right.
Subject: No life is worth yours
To: Sherlock Holmes (we_miss_u at Baker St . com)
Date: Tue, 6 Nov 2012, 01:53:49
From: John H. Watson (thebachelor2541891 at hotmail . com)
Dear Sherlock,
I really am the idiot you accuse me of being, aren't I? All this time I was wondering if I wasn't enough, or if I somehow failed you, but that wasn't it at all. I was enough wasn't I? I was enough for you to give up your life. That's why you didn't come with me to see Mrs Hudson. It wasn't because you didn't want to, you couldn't. I was so wrapped up in missing you that I didn't even think about why you wouldn't be there.
The day I met you I killed for you.
That day you died for me, for your friends.
Moriarty was on that roof with you wasn't he?
He was on that roof that day and neither of you made it off alive, not really. I borrowed your luminol to test the roof. I guess who ever cleaned it didn't think anyone would look any closer.
Moriarty was planning to have me, Mrs Hudson and Greg killed if you didn't do it. Three assassins, three of us; but you managed to outwit him somehow, probably found a way to stop him by getting him to call off the assassins, so he shot himself before you could. Then you with your beautiful brain couldn't think of a way to stop them and so you…
To: John H. Watson (thebachelor2541891 at hotmail . com)
From: Sherlock Holmes (we_miss_u at Baker St . com)
Subject: RE: No life is worth yours
Dear John,
I am surprised you deduced Moriarty had shot himself. You will have to tell me exactly how you worked that out. That isn't the point. You put too high a price on my life, especially considering that your
To: John H. Watson (thebachelor2541891 at hotmail . com)
From: Sherlock Holmes (we_miss_u at Baker St . com)
Subject: Your miracle
Dear John,
Merry Christmas. Will be seeing you soon, though I never considered myself to be a miracle before. Thankyou for writing to me and for missing me.
I'm glad you don't hate me,
Your,
SH
When the scroll bar would go down no further, John felt himself sag and raised his arms to rest his head in his hands.
'Fuck…' John murmured and turning around his chair, he jumped when he saw Sherlock standing by the door watching him. 'Jesus, Sherlock, how long have you been standing there?'
'Good morning John,' Sherlock said, ignoring the question and threw himself on the couch.
'So Sherlock,' John began, Sherlock giving a 'hm' to show he was listening. 'When are you going to tell Lestrade and the others that you're alive? Because you know you won't be able to do any cases until you do.'
'Maybe later,' Sherlock said and rolled over to face the back of the couch.
Later ended up being over two and a half weeks later and that was only because John was sick of being unable to go anywhere with Sherlock due to the fact that very few people knew he was still alive. This of course included Mary's New Years party, though John ended up leaving shortly after midnight, claiming to have a head ache. John did, however, regret the necessity for telling others since Sherlock, for once, was completely content to be at home doing absolutely nothing and nothing he did. And it was incredible.
Going to work seemed more a chore than ever and he counted the hours until he could be home again. It wasn't the same brilliant spark of manic energy that he had while on a case, nor the lethargic apathy he had when he was bored; instead he seemed to radiate content and John… Well he didn't know quite what to make of it, but it was great while it lasted. So it was with much reluctance from them both that John made the call to Lestrade and invited him over.
To: Greg Lestrade (+***********)
Please come to 221B if convenient.
(10:35AM, 12 Jan)
To: Greg Lestrade (+***********)
If inconvenient come anyway. You'll want to see this.
(10:35AM, 12 Jan)
To: Greg Lestrade (+***********)
Oh and by 'you', I mean literally just you.
(10:37AM, 12 Jan)
He had just pressed send a final time when he heard a small knock and the door opened just enough for Mrs Hudson to poke her head inside. Seeing John and Sherlock were both awake, she grinned and came inside with a, 'good morning boys.'
'Good morning Mrs Hudson,' John and Sherlock said and watched as Mrs Hudson went to hover by Sherlock who had his eyes closed. It had become a bit of a habit of hers since Sherlock returned and considering the circumstances, John could hardly blame her.
'Ahm.'
'What?' Sherlock said, slowly opening his eyes and tilted his head to look over at John, who indicated Mrs Hudson with his head. When that only got a confused expression, John motioned a hug and pointed to Mrs Hudson, glad that her back was to him. Sherlock rolled his eyes, but sat up to face Mrs Hudson. For some reason he seemed to think that if he put it off that Mrs Hudson would stop it.
'Come on, let's get this over with,' Sherlock said and raised his arms to her and Mrs Hudson all but ran to them. John had only barely stifled the laugh when Sherlock began to awkwardly pat her on the back after a moment. Fortunately for Sherlock, Mrs Hudson managed to pull herself together more quickly this time and moving the violin, she went and sat in Sherlock's chair.
'So John, how is Mary doing?' Mrs Hudson said and John stifled a groan.
'She's fine, we're going out for dinner tomorrow night,' John said, trying to ignore the odd look on Sherlock's face.
'That's lovely. Mary is such a nice girl and I was wondering why she hasn't been over lately,' Mrs Hudson said, smiling widely and John barely managed to prevent himself from squirming, guilt eating at him. It was at that moment; however, that Lestrade chose to arrive and let out a relieved sigh as he heard a knock. Mrs Hudson stood up immediately to open the door and a few moments later Lestrade came in, his eyes zeroing in on John immediately.
'John, what's this all a-' Lestrade stopped as he caught sight of Sherlock lying on the couch. '… Sherlock?'
'John, hand it over,' Sherlock said and John sighed and got up to get his wallet and passed a couple of notes to Sherlock.
'You don't want to know,' John said when Lestrade went to speak.
'So Sherlock…'
'If you continue that sentence with something obvious like, 'you're alive', please note that you're not the first to have such a fondness for the obvious,' Sherlock said sitting up.
'What I was actually going to say was, 'you're looking well',' Lestrade said defensively and Sherlock scoffed.
'No you weren't,' Sherlock said, before adding, 'though considering you believed me to be dead, I suppose I am looking well aren't I?'
'How long have you been back?' Lestrade said and John saw Sherlock's eyes narrow, before his expression became pleased.
'Eighteen days,' Sherlock said, before countering with, 'how long did you suspect I may be alive before you gave up looking for me?'
'Six months,' Lestrade said, his expression blank. 'And if Donovan had her way it would have been longer.'
'Interesting.'
'Wait, hold on a moment…'
'John, you're repeating yourself,' Sherlock cut in and John glared.
'Shut up Sherlock,' John said, focused on Lestrade now, his expression incredulous. 'Are you saying that you believed Sherlock was still alive? Even after what I saw and the witnesses?'
'John, you have to understand, at the time most of us were working under the assumption that Sherlock was 'Moriarty' and that he was getting away with an unknown amount of crime,' Lestrade said in an attempt to be placating. 'Plus the fact that everyone knows how close you two are and the fact that there were witnesses didn't change anything either.' John barely managed to retain his temper and only the knowledge that he would have lied for Sherlock if he had to keeping him from behaving irrationally. Lestrade seemed to pick up on John's volatility and hurried on. 'Six months later we got a call from higher up to call off the search. Donovan wasn't happy, but we had our orders.'
'Lestrade, how could you possibly think after all that time that Sherlock could possibly be killer?' John said, the question had been gnawing at him since before Sherlock's fake suicide.
'I don't know to be honest,' Lestrade said after a long moment. 'Let's face it Sherlock's never been popular at the station…'
'That's an understatement,' Sherlock said, flopping back now that it seemed his contribution was unnecessary.
'…Anyway, the fact is that he can solve more crimes in two hours than we could in a week and that gets a bit tiring after a while, then it begins to seem a little unreal, impossible really and then you realise, maybe because it isn't real,' Lestrade said thinking back, John's eyes unforgiving as they bored into him. 'If it helps, we were never able to prove anything.'
'You don't get it; Sherlock should never have been a suspect in the first place. He…'
'John,' Sherlock said and John shut up.
'I know that now, but…' Lestrade paused and looked at John with a guilty expression. 'John, I want you to know that this absolutely cleared you of any suspicion…'
Lestrade stopped speaking and for a moment John was at a loss as to why, until he looked over at Sherlock, who seemed to have gotten up rather quickly and he… John had never seen him look so angry before.
'Lestrade, I will give you two instructions and you will follow them down to the letter,' Sherlock said and John was glad that Sherlock wasn't talking to him. 'First, you will go and tell everyone that I am alive and that I have been acting as a consultant with the government on a number of extremely important and incredibly secret matters. You will also note that I will be unavailable for case work for at least two more weeks.' Greg swallowed, nodding and John wondered again what had pissed Sherlock off so much. 'Secondly, and this is important so you will do well to remember it,' Sherlock's voice was low and poisonous now. 'You will never again under any circumstances, invade John's privacy in such a manner again.'
'Sherlock, you have to know it wasn't my idea. Sally…'
John didn't care what Sally said or did… 'What do you mean invaded my privacy?'
'He read your emails and possibly your texts,' Sherlock said and John was glad he was sitting down.
'Get out of our house,' John said quietly, his eyes on the floor.
'John, I…'
'I was grieving and you had no right. No right to read them and no right to accuse Sherlock of the things you did. Get out,' John said, his voice a little stronger. Lestrade just nodded and left, John letting out a long breath when the door shut.
That night John went and borrowed out some more movies (he was almost becoming a regular at that place) and bought some groceries so he could cook dinner. Sherlock said nothing when John returned and only spoke when John put a movie on to criticise the story or the acting or the costumes. At one point John was certain he was criticising the sister-in-law of the director, but he tried not to think to hard about how that came about. Another thing Sherlock was doing, and John was almost certain he wasn't being paranoid about this, was watching him. John could almost feel it whenever Sherlock did it and when he did catch him doing it, he always had the same expression on his face; an expression that looked very much like expectation, but Sherlock wasn't that patient of a person surely. If he wanted John to do or say something, he would just tell him. That's what he tended to do in any case and so John was caught completely unaware when Sherlock finally ran out of patience.
'Sherlock, I'm just going out for a bit to see Mary,' John said, grabbing his jacket and pulling it on. Looking over at Sherlock, he seemed to be thinking hard about something and John realised he was probably interrupting and turned to leave the room. He only made it to the door when Sherlock's voice stopped him.
'I didn't think you were the type to cheat, John.' Sherlock's voice was so calm that John wondered if he had misheard him and turned back to face him.
'Excuse me?'
'You are cheating,' Sherlock said and John was completely lost.
'I'm not cheating on Mary,' John said, taking a guess.
'No, though it is curious that your mind jumped to having an affair,' Sherlock said and stood up and moved closer, making John very aware of the height difference.
'Ok then, how exactly am I cheating?' John said, feeling the familiar exasperation that only occurred when Sherlock wasn't making sense, so it was a near constant state for John whenever Sherlock was on a case, or doing an experiment, or showing off… Yes, he knew this state well.
'You were half right,' Sherlock said, taking another step closer, 'though not Mary, me.'
'Sherlock, we're not a couple,' John said half in a daze as he barely managed to repeat the familiar words. He never thought he would have to say that to Sherlock of all people and in his confusion he nearly missed Sherlock's response.
'Yes we are.'
'Sherlock, I'm not gay.'
'Irrelevant.' A step closer.
'I'm dating Mary and have been for a year and a half.'
'No, she thinks she's dating you, you were waiting for me.' One step forward, one step back.
'So you actually heard that part when I was talking to Irene?' John said, his mind going blank, he had never questioned their friendship before, not really and he had never been challenged like this, not by Sherlock.
'Evasion and obviously,' Sherlock said and John's breath caught as he half expected Sherlock to move forward. He didn't.
'Sherlock, you…'
'Just say it again, John; it's not hard,' Sherlock said and John's breath caught.
'You're…' Sherlock was brilliant, annoying, stupid, frustrating, mysterious, more than a little insane, good looking, incredible, stubborn and Joh… Oh.
'Tell me again that we're not a couple,' Sherlock said, but John barely heard him, his mind fixed on something else.
'Your Sherlock Holmes,' John whispered, his eyes finally rising to meet Sherlock's again. He knew why he wasn't fighting this as hard as he normally would have been. It was Sherlock and Sherlock was always right, well most of the time and… 'I have to go out for a bit.' John's hands immediately went to his wallet and phone to check they were there, before opening the door and all but running from the apartment.
John ended up eating out that night and when he returned he was more than a little tipsy. He somehow managed to avoid Sherlock when he came in and snuck into the bathroom to clean his teeth and then into his bedroom, locking the door behind him.
Lying in bed ten minutes later, John felt more wired than he should, considering how much he drank and he listened closely for the sounds of footsteps or talking or anything that would tell him that Sherlock was home.
It could have been forever later (well more like two hours, but time seemed to pass slower when he couldn't sleep) when he heard the door knob turn and his breath caught, but the door didn't open and the footsteps went away, John finally letting out the breath when it was quiet again. It seemed that Sherlock had decided to respect his privacy for once as the locked door seemed to have provided enough of a hint.
It was three o'clock on the dot when John heard the sound of the violin coming from the living room. It was a slow wistful tune and John finally found himself drifting off to sleep.
It took at least a full minute after John woke the next morning to work out exactly what was wrong with the scenario he had woken up in. Then he remembered sneaking home and locking the door and so how it was that he woke to find his head on the now familiar, warm place on Sherlock's chest, he had no idea. Ok, so he had some idea, but he wasn't ready to deal with that idea so soon after waking up.
Sitting up on the edge of his bed a short time later, fully dressed and a cup of coffee in hand, he studied his sleeping roommate and for the first time, admitted he may have a problem.
'Good morning John,' Sherlock said, his eyes opening a fraction to look up at him. He looked completely relaxed and vulnerable, making it difficult for John to even remember that he was annoyed much less actually bring it up. Fuck. He really did have a problem.
'I seem to remember locking the door last night,' John said raising an eyebrow and trying to stop the flow of swears running through his mind. It seemed his battle training was good for something other than preventing himself from getting killed.
'Did you? I didn't notice,' Sherlock said and stretched, body arching and letting out a sound of satisfaction.
'No, of course you didn't,' John said, standing up, empty cup in hand. 'I have to go out soon and don't you even think about following me.'
'That was fast,' Sherlock said, getting up too and following John out.
'What was?' John said, though he had a fair idea as to what Sherlock meant, possibly because he knew what he was thinking and Sherlock had that annoying ability to read his mind.
'Your decision to terminate your relationship with Mary,' Sherlock said, even though he most likely knew that John knew what he meant. 'I actually thought it would take longer to convince you.'
'What can I say…' John started, but then stopped when suspicion grew in his mind. 'That's why you are taking so much time off, isn't it?'
'That may have had something to do with it,' Sherlock admitted, crossing his arms, making John once again aware of his bare chest. His attention to that detail didn't last long, as his mind leapt to another deduction.
'I take it you would also like me to quit my job?' John said, trying to sound at ease and felt a dark sense of victory at Sherlock's look of pleasant surprise.
'Excellent suggestion John,' Sherlock said smiling, 'it's very inconvenient when I need to reach you for a case only to find your not there.'
'No,' John said, voice hard. 'Sherlock, if the last twenty months have taught me anything, it's that I need to find a life outside of you, because next time it may be permanent and I can't go through that again.'
'John,' Sherlock moaned in frustration.
'Another thing,' John said, his voice getting louder, anger tinging it. 'You say we're a couple, and maybe looking at us, we certainly act like it half the time…' Sherlock cleared his throat '…Ok, most of the time, but the way you treat me is like I'm an extra arm or something. Sherlock, you have never shown interest in anyone that way before, except maybe for Irene…' Sherlock snorted looking amused, but John continued. '… And even if we decide to label ourselves as a 'couple' I doubt anything will change anyway. In fact I am almost convinced this is just another ploy to try and keep me with you so I can fetch you phone out of your pocket or something.'
'Are you done?' Sherlock said, watching John patiently.
Feeling his bad mood evaporate to leave a sort of vague depression, John heaved a breath and said, 'yeah.' This didn't stop his heart from jumping when Sherlock fixed him with a look of intense focus.
'John, you are more than just an arm, you are my heart,' Sherlock said and John swallowed. Ok, this is getting very bad, John may actually be finding Sherlock attractive, and… 'The very heart that Moriarty threatened to burn and the very heart that keeps me from being just a brain with no conscience.'
'Sherlock…' John really had no idea what he was supposed to say, only that he needed to say something. When that idea failed, however, he just crossed the distance between them and took Sherlock into his arms and held him tightly. As he was slowly getting used to hugs, Sherlock barely hesitated in returning it. What did surprise John, though, was when Sherlock dipped his head to press a kiss to John's forehead and a heavy blush lit up John's face.
Pulling back, John tried to get a hold of himself and said, 'Ok then, well then I better go and see Mary…' The uncertain look on Sherlock's face cut him off and for a minute or two he just stood there trying to work out what was wrong, Sherlock was never uncertain about anything. Ever. Another minute and it finally clicked and he mouthed a small 'oh' in surprise. 'Sherlock, you do realise you're being ridiculous right now in doubting yourself? I mean, you're pretty much my everything and I allow you to practically control my entire life.' Seeing the tension disappear, John grabbed his phone to send Mary a text to let her know he was coming over and nodded at Sherlock, not really sure what he was supposed to do at that point and left. Passing Mrs Hudson, he told her good morning and squared his shoulders, preparing to do something he hadn't really ever had to do (which considering his record was rather remarkable); for the first time, he had to be the one to initiate a break up.
The walk over to Mary's house would have had to have been one of the quickest journeys John had ever been on and by the time he was standing at her door he really had no idea exactly what he was going to say to her. Hoping he would have better luck when he was actually talking to her, he raised his hand and knocked on the door. Unlike the amount of time it took for him to actually get there, the wait for the door to open was one of the longest he could ever remember. Probably because he knew he had run out of time and he was about to hurt a very good person, for a very bad reason.
Mary did eventually open the door and for a moment John fought to keep his jaw from dropping. Just how had he not have noticed just how beautiful Mary was before that moment. She wasn't dressed up special or anything and he vaguely recalled her saying it was her favourite outfit for wearing around the house. She didn't have make-up on either and her dark hair was held up loosely.
'You look… beautiful,' John said, his voice catching a bit. He really was a terrible person and deserved every suffering he got for hurting a person as amazing as Mary.
'Thank you,' Mary said with a small smile, blue eyes shining and John wondered how it was that they had ever got together in the first place. Stepping aside, Mary said, 'Please come in.'
'Uh, ok,' John said and shuffles in past her and they head to the lounge room, which is barely large enough to fit a couch and a TV. The fact that Mary rarely has many visitors means that this couch doesn't have to be particularly large either and it's really not and adds a whole new level of awkward to John's fragile confidence. Sitting down, he waited but it seemed Mary had other ideas and returned a moment later with a chair from the kitchen.
Sitting down across from him, he saw the mask he didn't realise she was wearing, fracture and in a shaking voice she said, 'I know why you're here.'
'Oh Jesus,' John said, his head falling into his hands. If he wasn't so used to people just knowing, then he probably would have needed her to clarify that a bit, but…
'I want to be better than this,' Mary said, almost stammering now. 'I want so much to be happy for you and I just can't.' Neither could look at the other then and John could feel his heart pounding. 'Part of me wishes he stayed gone, but then I think that if all he had to do was waltz back into your life and you would race back to him… I deserve better.' She lifted her head up, her eyes meeting his and he could see her chin trembling. 'I know I deserve better, but I want you John. I love you and I can't be ok with this. I don't know if I want to be.'
'Your right,' John said, after a long moment; needing time to pull himself together. 'You do deserve better. Every girlfriend I have had, pretty much since I returned from the war, has deserved better and I want you to have it. I also know that I can't possibly expect for you to be ok with this and I won't. Sherlock will always be an insane, selfish, lazy, ass and it looks like I'm stupid enough to cater myself to it and that's not fair on anyone.' Mary looked a surprised at the description and John nearly laughed. 'It's actually sort of why I was given the name, 'the bachelor'. The worse part is that I could never actually tell if he was intentionally trying to sabotage my dates or not; so I never knew whether to call him a self-centred git, or a lazy bastard.'
'But you…' Mary seemed lost for words, but John knew what she wanted to say.
'I do. God help me, I do,' John said trying not to sound wistful. 'But that doesn't mean I have even the slightest idea about what we're going to try and do, only that I want him in my life… and I think he wants me in his. You never really can tell with him.'
'Do you actually think he would just spend all his time with someone he didn't want to be with?' Mary said and John let out a startled laugh.
'No, I suppose not,' John said and stood up, waiting as Mary did the same. He knew very well that she was just putting on a brave face for him and it would fall apart once he was gone and while his ego preened at the attention, the rest of him felt like absolute dirt. He also knew that she wouldn't want him to see anymore of it splinter and so he said, 'so I suppose this is goodbye.'
'Yeah, it is,' Mary said and for a moment John wished he could be enough for her; that he could allow himself to be enough for her, but that would be wrong and so he followed her out of the house; knowing, even as he saw her face, probably, for the last time, that he would always remember it, loving and sad and ever so strong.
'Goodbye John.'
'Goodbye Mary.'
And the door closed, leaving John to stare at it for a minute or two, before heading home to Sherlock.
The walk home was quiet and empty, or that could have been just John. He knew what he was giving up in trying to work out this, whatever it was with Sherlock, just as he knew it would, most likely, be completely worth it. At least he hoped it would be.
Violin music greeted him as he walked through the doorway and he trudged up the stairs, nearly running into Mrs Hudson.
'John you're…'
'Not now Mrs Hudson,' John said quietly and moved past her and opened the door into the living room, spotting Sherlock straight away, by the window and John flopped into the nearest chair and closed his eyes, listening.
'You want to talk about it?' Sherlock said, pausing and John gave a weak smile.
'Not really.'
'Ok,' Sherlock said returning to the violin and it was good. It was home and there was no where else John wanted to be. Another pause. 'Now about your job…'
'Shut up Sherlock,' John said, smile growing as Sherlock let out an annoyed huff. All to soon John knew he would have to think about those sort of details again when Sherlock started taking cases, but he had faced two hurdles that day and it was barely lunch time, he deserved a break.
A small beep made John jump and he reached in to grab his phone.
Received From: Unknown (+***********)
Might we now be receiving the happy announcement?
(12:45PM, 25 Jan)
John's fingers were already moving across the keys before Sherlock even chimed in their response.
To: Unknown (+***********)
Bugger off Mycroft.
(12:46PM, 12 Jan)
So I actually manage to complete a story. YAY! Please don't hate me, I know how it ended and I'm sorry. I just couldn't get John and Sherlock to work out whatever it is they have going on between without at least four or five times as many words and I really don't have that dedication. Also the cases they would solve would be pathetic at best; however, I will be adding at least two more stories to this universe, so please keep an eye out for them. One of them will be a meeting with Mummy and the other is a crossover with the movie verse Avengers. Thanks for reading.