Chapter XXII: Unforgivable?

"…I'LL KILL HIM!"

These three words (one a contraction) spilled in an endless torrent from Mallymkun's mouth. She ran through Tulgey Woods wildly, slashing at everything and anything she saw.

She had been doing this all night, after running out of Marmoreal castle after the ballroom had gone to pot, and was still in the process of attempted destruction this morning. She had left several dead insects, a good many slashed trees, and enough cut grass to make a golfing field. Several owls had spotted her, but wisely chose to leave her be; this maddened mouse would not be made a meal out of very soon.

Especially when all she could say, see, hear, and think were the words, "I'LL KILL HIM!"

Finally, exhausted, Mallymkun dropped her blade…

"I'll KILL him…"

Fell to her knees…

"I'll kill him…"

Lay down in the grass at her feet...

"I'll kill…"

And began to cry.

"…Kill…"

She didn't know how long she cried, but all she knew was that she managed to cry herself to sleep.

When she woke up, it was already noon. She did not say or think anything; she felt numb, inside and out. Slowly, sadly, she rose, picking up her pin-sword and sheathing it…only to sit down on a rock nearby.

She sat there for what seemed like hours, but was merely a matter of about two minutes. Her head hung down, ears and whiskers drooping, fur stained with dried tears, her eyes gazing, dismal and unblinking, at the ground. Even though she had just woken up, every muscle in her body felt tired, and sick...and her brain was so jumbled she couldn't even make sense of her own thoughts…

Hatter…cat…grin…kill…crash…Queen…crazy…tea…derby…blood…bird…mask…

"You look awful."

Her reactions slowed, she blinked and turned to the source of the voice, her brain processing a single word.

Bill…

"Feel awful," she said, voice slurred distinctly, and turned away again.

Bill, still in costume, minus his domino mask, frowned and approached her. When she made no show of protest, he sat beside her.

"Did you sleep at all?"

"Yes."

"You don't look like it…"

"Yes."

Bill's eyes widened slightly, taken a bit aback by her snappish voice. She glared at him for a moment, then turned her eyes down again, looking all the more glum.

"Sorry…"

"It's all right…even if you did sleep, you're clearly tired."

Mally nodded and took in a deep, shuddering breath.

"I am going to kill him," she said in a slow, jerky sort of way, like a person who knows they have drunk to much maarond trying to speak clearly.

Bill sighed.

"So I guessed," he said simply.

Mally looked at him with dull eyes.

"How'd you find me?"

Bill smirked.

"Really, Mallymkun? With my deductive reasoning, my superior intellect, and my remarkable swordsmanship? Besides, it was easy to follow the trail of minor destruction."

The dormouse just nodded and turned away again.

"I'm disappointing you, aren't I?"

Bill stared, surprised by the question.

"Why would you think that?"

Mally glanced at him quickly, and turned away fast, making a vague gesture at herself.

Bill smiled.

"Emotions aren't weakness; you and I are among the most emotional people I know, in fact. People have said so. Now, the emotion most see in us is anger, but we still show that, among other things."

"Like love."

Bill's smile diminished.

"Yes. Like love."

"You helped him, didn't you?"

Bill said nothing.

"I know you did: he mentioned your name. You don't just mention the name of Billnor Creole; you've said so yourself. And I spotted you with him at the party."

Bill remained silent, still.

Slowly, a low growl began to rise in Mally's throat.

"Answer me," she hissed.

Bill did not.

Without any other warning, Mallymkun's muscles found strength again, and her pin-sword was in her hand. She slashed at Bill…

But the gecko had expected this, and his movements, more experienced and unfatigued, were far faster. He easily blocked it.

"ANSWER ME, BLAST YOU!" shrieked the dormouse, wildly slashing at him. "ANSWER ME!"

Bill gracefully parried every blow. When the dormouse reeled back for a strong strike, he ducked and whipped his blade upward, sending the pin-sword flying. Before Mally could react to the loss of her prized weapon, he leveled his saber's point at her throat.

Both glared daggers at each other.

"After the cat," snarled Mallymkun, "You're next."

"You can't kill me, Mally," he responded darkly. "Not that you won't, but that you can't. Not now, not later, not years ago."

The dormouse said nothing.

Bill sighed again, but his saber remained where it was.

"I never wanted to hurt you, Mally," he said softly. "Neither did he. I wanted what I thought was best…I just tried to get it for you the wrong way."

Mally scoffed.

"Your ability to choose correctly, Master, is deteriorating."

Bill glared again.

"I am not your father, Mallymkun," he hissed, "But speak to me like that again before I am finished, and, by the Blood of the Jabberwocky, I shall run you through here and now."

Mally bit her lip so hard she might have drawn blood, and clenched her fists.

"He started this plan in motion, not I. The Cheshire Cat realized that if he was to succeed in his manipulative little scheme, he would have to find the right person to assist him. Your Hatter and the March Hare clearly would not have done so. So he came to me. I said yes."

"Why?"

"Because while felines have never been creatures I hold in high regard, and most especially not him, I saw the way he would look at you, and how you would look at him. As seductive and taunting as he is with all females, the only one he showed real…interest in was you. You may not have known it at first, but you held the exact same stare. When he told me he loved you, I was ready to believe it."

Mally's eyes widened, and her fists loosened, but did not open completely.

"H-he said he loved me?"

Bill nodded.

Mally paused for a moment, and then her expression hardened again.

"Then why did he deceive me? Manipulate me? Threaten me? Why did he hide from me and act like something and someone he wasn't?"

"Well-"

"No, don't answer. I think I can guess. He did it to make sure he could have me. Like I was some sort of prize he had to compete for. Like I was just an expensive toy, the last one on the market. And the only person who could possibly win was him to begin with. But he couldn't stand the thought of someone else getting hold of me, so he decided to force me…"

Here her eyes grew watery once more.

"And I fell for it, like Alice fell down after McTwisp…head over heels…"

"Yes," Bill admitted. "That was pretty much it…for a while, anyway."

Mally looked up, knowing there was more.

"He wanted to call it off, Mally. By the time he realized what was happening was wrong and cruel, neither of us could back out. As he put it, 'we dug our own graves, and had to lie in them.' The longer it went on, the deeper those graves got. By the time the party came, and he admitted to this, we were already beyond six feet…I believe we were pressing twelve."

"Then why do it at all?" Mally snapped. "Before any of this happened, I was willing to forgive him! If anyone needed to be forgiven, it was me! I would have begged him for forgiveness after I hurt him…and I was ready to tell him I forgave him for what he tried to do. I understood! At least…I THINK I understood! But, no. There was no fun in that…he just had to hurt me again, didn't he? He…"

"Mally. Stop talking."

"No. No, I will not!"

"ENOUGH!"

There was silence.

"You hurt him more than you can imagine," Bill said. "I had never seen him in a state of such angst. He didn't think you would forgive him, and he didn't want to hurt you again. He wanted you to be happy, just as I did, and still do. He thought that if he took a form more…compatible with you, he could start things over between you. The two of us were complete idiots, perhaps one more than the other: him for thinking any of it would work, and myself for helping him out, when I knew from the start all was doomed to disaster."

Mally glared, suspicious.

"How can I know you mean anything you say? You and the cat have fed me enough lies to last nine lifetimes. What makes you think you can get forgiveness for what you have done?"

"I don't want forgiveness…I just want you to know our flawed reasoning. And I know it might be too early, or else improbable, to gain your trust again. I suspect he does, too. And I suspect he's suicidal about now."

Both were very quiet for a very long time.

Slowly, Bill reached into his pocket with his free arm – his blade still pointed at the dormouse – and pulled out a small, circular box of gold, inlaid with gemstones of various kinds. He pressed a button, and the box opened. Chimes began to ring out from it…

And, on the inside of the lid, Mally clearly spotted a faded, black-&-white photograph of two geckos: one a male, one a female.

"The lady is…was my wife, Aletheia" Bill said. "The only other people to see this picture are the White Rabbit and Pat. She made this box for me, because she wanted me to remember her whenever I went anywhere away from home…which was very often. I keep it to this day."

"What's your point?" Mally whispered, refusing to be swayed.

"I haven't gotten to it yet. On the day she gave me this box, I was off on another mission: a rebellious knight, Jacobyd Carpenter, had rallied an army of renegades, and I, along with other soldiers, were out to stop him. We won the battle, but when I returned home…she was gone. The box had been a kiss farewell."

There was a cold, damp moment of silence. Even the birds and bugs in the trees were quiet.

"The choice of forgiveness is yours to make. As is the choice on who to love. Just don't make the mistake I made; one of you has already done that."

Mally hesitated a moment, then said, "I forgive you…but I can't promise not to gut him like a trout when I see him."

Bill smiled, and sheathed his blade, pocketing the box at the same time.

"Thank you," he said simply. "You'll find him where he'd find you."

And without another word, he spun on his heel, and left.