Chapter 7: All Cards on the Table

November 5th, 2185-November 6th, 2185

The shower was exactly what I needed. Nothing calms me better than feeling water hit my bare skin. The down side… it exposed some of the bruises coming in from our encounter. It also showed the four inch gash on my back from hitting the metal crate. I didn't feel it at the time, I blame the alcohol, but the broken skin was creating a constant throbbing pain to jolt down my spine. Of course it had to be on the part of the back that was difficult to reach. I did my best to clean my wound and slapped some medi-gel on it as best as I could. Now all I could do was hope for it to heal.

After slipping into a loose fitting shirt and my sleep pants, I situated myself into the chair at my desk. I tried so hard to concentrate on the datapad in front of me but the throbbing from my head was making it difficult to see straight. Trying to lose myself in the orders for the coming week and planning out our route, nothing seemed to work to get my mind off today. And I wasn't even thinking about Jack or my dream, no, all my thoughts were revolving around him.

Lyrik is my navigator. He's just a part of my crew. Right? Before that, we were just friends. Right? I never thought of him as anything more. But did I ever treat him like he was? I don't think did. I never took any time to really think about relationships and… love, especially in another species. Is it even possible for this to happen? No! Stop think about this. Turians and humans shouldn't be together.

The bottle on my desk was looking more and more tempting. Toying with the idea of just putting off all this work, take a few swigs, and drowning out all these thoughts. I could still feel a bit of the aftereffects from my binge drinking, doing it for 20 hours will do that to you. But when I started unscrewing the top, it didn't feel right. So I shoved my poison into my desk drawer and got back to reviewing the invoices.

Okay, come on Xora, concentrate. You have a business to run…Damn I can't do this. Nothing seems to work! Why is he burned into my thoughts? Sure I care for him but I care about everyone on my crew. I don't even know if I feel anything for him… but that kiss… I know I trust him more than anyone else but that could be because we have known each other for so long. I do enjoy spending time with him but I'm like that with everyone. Maybe I do like him? No! He's a turian! Don't even think about it! But that kiss… his hands on my body…

The door to my quarters creaked open. I swung around in my chair but the sudden movement made the throbbing hurt even more. Pressing my hand against my forehead, I noticed Lyrik coming in holding two mugs of coffee. His head hung low, his eyes anxiously trying to meet mine but couldn't.

"I brought you some coffee," he muttered.

"Thanks, I could really use it." As I took my cup, my fingers lightly grazed against his. He immediately jerked his hand away. He seemed frightened that he may overstep his boundaries again. Yet the look in his eyes expressed how badly he yearned to have more.

Turning away, he walked to my bed and asked, "Is it okay if I sit here?"

"Go ahead."

"I also thought you might need this," digging out a pack of pain killers from his pocket and gently tossing it my direction.

My eyes lit up at the sight of the miracle pills, "Yes, please, you are a lifesaver. How did you know?"

"Well, I would be aching too if I got thrown around a few times."

"Thanks for reminding me," I remarked, popping two into my mouth and chasing it with the hot coffee.

His fingers nervously rubbed his cup, "This feels so much like deja vue."

I sat back in my chair, leaning against my gash, "Yeah, except this time it's more than skin deep."

"That's why I was hoping we could talk."

"We need to," I agreed as I grabbed a cigarette and lit it. I didn't want to give the impression that I upset about our ordeal so I offered Lyrik one from my pack. He grabbed it and lit it up, his hand slightly trembling.

We sat silently for a moment. All that could be heard was the hum from the engines. Watched as he stared at the floor, I could see him fighting with the thoughts running through his head. He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out.

After a few minutes of silence, I decided to begin our conversation, "Listen, Lyrik. We both have the ability of dodging around these issues and hiding what needs to be said. We can either sit here dancing around this topic all night or we can just lay everything on the table. Personally, I think we did enough 'dancing' in the cargo hold."

He nodded in agreement. Taking a deep breath, he admitted, "I'm sorry for earlier. I forced myself upon you."

"I didn't exactly stop you either," I added, flicking the ash into the tray on my desk.

"It just…" he clenched his eyes shut, "I've been holding it back for so long."

"If you don't mind me asking, how long have you had feelings for me?"

"Getting straight to the point, huh?"

"I always do."

Please don't tell me it was because of that night in your bedroom.

He hunched forward, "Do you remember your 24th birthday?"

"How could I forget it? That's the last time I ever had the 'mystery shot.' I paid dearly for it that morning praying to the porcelain god. But I still can't recall half of what I did before I blacked out."

"Well, you were in and out of consciousness."

"That sounds about right with me… so what happened?"

"Since you couldn't stay awake long enough to actually walk anywhere, I decided to carry you back to your hotel room. I remember looking down at you curled up in my arms. You looked so peaceful. It was the first time I could see right through the mask you wore… see the real you. Hiding behind all your tattoos and the tough alias you created. What I saw in my arms was a heartbroken young woman, drowning in all her rage. Aching to fill the void left from the death of her parents. Hoping that one day you would find happiness in a world gone mad. I always saw the pain in your eyes, even from day one. You don't realize it but your eyes speak louder than your words," he paused, taking a moment to stare directly at me, "Then you did something that would never forget. Right before I dropped you off, you rubbed your head against my chest. It really felt like your body found comfort in me, knowing that I would gladly protect you from any dangers. It made me realize that I cared for you. From that moment on, I knew things were going to be different between us."

He continued to stare at me, studying my reaction. I averted my gaze and concentrated on the coffee mug. Sheepishly, "I honestly don't remember any of that."

"I didn't think you would, you did have a lot to drink and it was a few years ago."

"This means you have had feelings for me for nearly six years. You have been holding it back all these years? Why?"

"First I wanted to see if I really had feelings for you or if it was just something about that night. I tried to deny them, especially since I knew you were against interspecies relationships. But I just couldn't stop thinking about you. The more I tired to resist, the harder it became to ignore the urges. You were in my dreams every night and haunting my thoughts throughout the day. It felt like the only resolution was to spend every day with you. I wanted to say something, there were so many moments I could have mentioned it. But it didn't feel like the right time. That's also the reason why I stopped today. I have been waiting so long for the perfect moment to tell you. I even had it all planned out. How I was going to take you in my arms, confess my love for you, and hope… hope to even hear you say it back. I didn't expect my emotions to get the better of me and force myself upon you. All the time I spent reciting what I was going to say… just to have it go awry." Lyrik tilted his head down, shaking it in disbelief. He tried his best to hide the trail of tears running down the grooves of his face. In a distressed tone, he puffed, "This must sound pathetic to you."

I didn't know how to react to his confession. It was one thing to know that he cared about me but it was something entirely different knowing that he's felt this way for six years. I have never experienced anyone having serious feelings for me. Granted, I was too busy concentrating on tracking down my parent's murderer. For the first time in my life, I had absolutely no clue on what to do.

I took a sip from my coffee mug and replied, "It's not pathetic… I just don't understand it. This is entirely new to me… this whole love thing. Even if you told me this earlier, I still wouldn't know how to react."

"Do you have any feelings for me?" he asked desperately.

Think about this, Xora… you don't want to say the wrong thing…

"I do care about you, Lyrik, in fact, I trust you more than anyone. I do enjoy spending time with you and I actually feel relaxed around you. But as for it being more, I never thought about it before. The fact would still remain that you're a turian."

Instantly I could see his heart sink. Despair beaconed through his water-filled eyes. My words left him broken, shattering every hope he had. Holding back every urge to break down, he asked, "What if I wasn't a turian?"

"That's impossible."

"But what if?"

"Then maybe? I guess? There have been so many things happening lately, my whole world has gone completely upside down. I really don't know, Lyrik."

He left the edge of my bed and stood in front of me. After setting his mug on my desk, he gently pried mine away and placed it next to his. Kneeling at my feet, he took both of my hands into his and pleaded, "What if you looked past my mortal coil? Take away the differences in our appearances and concentrate on what was on the inside. You would see that I am nothing more than a man on his knees… begging for just one chance. To prove to you that there is more than meets the eye. To fill the void in your heart with the love I have to give."

His words stirred through my brain, picking apart my view of the world. Somehow he caused me to reevaluate my outlook on our physical dissimilarities. I never treated anyone on my crew like they were a different species… I always treated everyone equally. If I were blind, I wouldn't be able to tell what species he was. All I would be able to distinguish was his loyalty as my friend.

"Maybe I can," I sighed, "But what about my parents? What about my vengeance?"

"I know the death of your parents was difficult, especially since they were taken from you. When I lost my father, I felt alone. I lost the last bit of family I had. You at least still have your brother. I had no one… But instead of letting my depression eat away at me, I filled the void he left with the grace you presented me. What I'm trying to say is maybe you should reconsider the path you're walking down."

"That's a hefty request."

His desperate glare revealed his intention to do everything in his power to get me to accept him. Bringing our clasped hands closer to his chest, he inquired, "When we kissed today, did you kiss back because you wanted to? Or was it because you felt forced into it?"

"I wanted to…" the words escaped me.

Lyrik's face lit up at my blurted confession. He knew this was his opportunity to beseech me. "Give me until the end of the year. Let me have this chance to show you that life is worth living."

Maybe I should… Just one chance…That seems reasonable…

I took a deep breath, hanging my head in defeat, "Fine."

Immediately the warmth in his hands radiating against mine, I could feel his pulse pounding through his fingertips.

"All I ask is that you give me some time. You seeded the idea… now I need to accept it. I still have a lot of thinking to do but you'll have your chance."

"I understand," he smiled, his mandibles twitching excitedly, "I can give you all the time you need. I've already waited this long to confess my feeling. Just let me know when you're ready."

I hope I did the right thing.

"I should probably let you get some rest," he said as he got up. Still clenching onto my hands, he bent down and placed his forehead against mine. He closed his eyes, whispering, "Thank you. I'll do it right this time."

Without another word, he grabbed his mug and started walking out. He shot one last glance at me before leaving my quarters. The energy glowing from his eyes confirmed the value of my acceptance. Finally receiving the permission he waited so long to hear.

I got up from my chair and headed to my bed. Feeling every ache run through my spine, my eyes uncontrollably clenched as I crawled under the sheets. My exhaustion of being awake for over twenty hours took its toll. As I waiting for the pain relievers to kick in, I couldn't stop thinking about Lyrik being my dream.

What if this is what my dream meant… maybe we are meant to be together? But marriage… I doubt we'll go that far. But what if it does? Is my dream a glimpse of the things to come or is it a warning against what can happen? What if everything in my dream is true? Maybe our relationship is what caused my death…