Review Replies: Yay! I finally got more reviews. Thanks guys.

Kelaiah: Hmm, I thought I read on a jacket summary thing of Triss that said she was the first female to carry Martin's sword. I'll address your other sexism comment in a later chapter. If you really want, I can explain, in depth, why there is sex discrimination is Mossflower. Just let me know. Mariel's the boss of CORCC because I wanted it to be a girl, and she was the only remotely non-Sue one I could think of. The chapter title came from "Barbie Girl", but it originally came from when I was re-watching the Nirvana Redwall episodes on youtube, and I found it funny that Cluny wore a pink tunic and a purple cloak.

There is sex discrimination in Mossflower. Let me know and I'll prove it.

Insane Logic: Thanks for the review! I'm glad you think it's funny; I thought this would actually turn out horribly. Nice penname by the way.

nebula212255: Wow, I'm really flattered. And thanks for the ideas. I'll try to work them into this chapter. And thanks for catching the typo for me. I'll be sure to change it on my copy of it.

A/N: Please don't hurt me for not updating. I needed to get a third of the way through Blood Ties, and now I'm having semi-writer's block on that until I update this one. And I apologize in advance for the unfunniness of this chapter.

Disclaimer: ORCC entities belong solely to me; if you take it, I will pie you in the face, and then lock you in a room with Martin. However, I don't own any characters from the books, so don't throw me into any rooms with Martin. I also don't own Charlie the Unicorn. Jason Steele does. If he doesn't want people to use it, he shouldn't make something so annoyingly funny and stupid. I don't own Spongebob Squarepants. Nickelodeon does, and I think some guy named Meriwether.

The Misadventures of Martin's Sword

Part One: Of Trouble and Troubadours

Chapter Two: Merry Christmahanukkah!

Rose hit a switch on the soundboard and popped off her headphones, ignoring the annoying commercials now echoing throughout the studio that she had just turned on. Gonff took his headphones off as well. He watched Rose as she set her paws behind her head and plopped both footpaws on the table, which was littered with random papers, scripts, and coffee mugs. "Rose, what's the point of our headphones?" he asked.

Rose had closed both eyes, but opened one to look at Gonff. "I dunno," she mumbled. "To make us feel important, I guess."

Gonff took a sip of his caffeinated drink. Unsatisfied, he looked down at the remaining black liquid swirling in his mug. Tipping the mug back, the mouse downed the coffee that was left. His pupils dilated and he giggled. "Well, t'at's goo' enou' fer da Prince o' Mouset'ieves," he slurred.

Rose muttered something under her breath about how she preferred creatures as Marty Stus. She ignored Gonff as he bounced around the studio, making rocket sounds. She suddenly looked around as the room fell silent, except, of course, for a commercial advertising the best thing since sliced bread. "Oof!" Rose looked down.

Gonff the Prince of Sugar Highs was sitting on Rose's knee. "Get off me, you great lump," Rose snapped, trying to shove the fat little mouse off her lap.

"Rose, d'you know wha' Gonff wan's fer Christmas?" the mousethief asked.

"A menorah. I don't know Gonff."

Gonff giggled. "Wou' it be a shin' menorah?" Rose groaned and rolled her eyes. She leaned back in her chair, trying to dislodge Gonff. The mouse responded by hugging the mousemaid tightly about her waist.

"Rosieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?"

"What Gonff?" Rose growled impatiently.

"All I reawwy wan' fer Christmas is…."

"Don't tell me. A magical leopluradon."

"No, siwwy Rosie. All I reawwy wan' fer Christmas is you." Gonff grinned an obnoxious Spongebob-like grin, planting his face in front of Rose's.

"And all I want for Christmas is a magical sword to 'accidentally' stab somebeast with."

Gonff hopped off Rose and bounced up and down on his footpaws. "Mar'in da Warrur has a magiqwul sword."

Rose stood up and began to back towards the door. "I'll go talk to him, Gonff. Right now. I'll be back, er, later. Right, later. Lots later."

"Okay, Rosie." Rose backed up, one paw feeling behind her. It connected with the wooden door. She felt desperately for the knob. Finally, it clicked open as Gonff frantically waved goodbye.

She slammed the door shut, barring it with a table outside the studio. As the mousemaid turned around, she ran into a stunningly beautiful squirrelmaiden, who was hefting a large sword quite easily in one paw. Rose watched the physically impossible feat for a few moments.

"You do know that's impossible right?" Rose asked warily. She glanced over her shoulder, deciding that retreating back into the studio where Gonff was now ballet dancing with a sparkly pink tutu was probably a bad decision. Probably.

The squirrelmaiden gave the mousemaid a smile, complete with an inexplicable glint off a front tooth, and ignored Rose's comment. "I'm Trisscar Swordmaid. I'm looking for Princess Kurda the Pure Ferret. Could you please tell me where she is?"

"Um. Kurda? I don't think she's been CCed," stalled Rose. She tried to act nonchalant as she groped in a tunic pocket for her cell phone.

"Oh, but please, I must find her. She killed my father, because I was too young to fight."

Nine-

"And brutally slaughtered my best friend."

"I'm going to brutally slaughter you in a minute," muttered Rose.

Nine-

Triss opened her mouth to continue, but was cut off as Rose's paw was hovering over the one. A high-pitched scream rent the room and another squirrelmaiden came bounding in – who looked exactly like the Triss Rose had just been speaking with. Triss One whirled her sword expertly, as Triss Two let a slingstone fly. Triss One deflected with her swordblade, screaming wordlessly. Triss Two had loaded another stone and was trying to whack her twin with it. Triss One preformed a mid-air summersault, landing easily on both footpaws behind Triss Two. Rose leapt forward, her own sling humming. Triss One felled her twin with a vicious strike from behind. Triss Two crumpled, holding her side. Rose took advantage of her opening and slammed her sling full into Triss One's face.

Triss One stumbled backward a pace. Rose took hold of Triss Two around the waist and tried to drag the proportional, and therefore gigantic, squirrel back. "Gonff," she shrieked at the top of her lungs. The sugar-high mousethief landed a pirouette awkwardly in the studio, not paying the slightest attention to the fight outside. Rose dropped the injured Triss Two, but grabbed the squirrelmaiden's sling. Using both vine weapons, she defended the pair from the onslaught of sword strikes. Finally, in desperation, Rose threw a still-spinning sling at Triss One, placed the free paw against her throat, and sounded her eagle call.

Gonff looked out the studio window for the first time. His pupils shrank to normal size, and he bodily hurled himself against the door. The table Rose had put in front of it rattled, but did not move enough. The expert lock-pick knelt down and did something highly improbable with the door's hinges. He pulled the door backwards. Leaping out, Gonff bounded over the table and hauled Triss Two into the studio. "Now, Rose," he yelled.

The mousemaid spun around and threw herself into the studio. Gonff attacked the door again, and quickly undid whatever he had done. Rose knelt down by Triss Two. "I'm all right," muttered T.T. quietly.

"Shh," Rose soothed as she peeled back T.T.'s tunic. There was a thin layer of chainmail underneath, which had protected T.T. from most of the impact of T.O.'s blow. Rose gently clinked that layer out of the way, and revealed a patch of congealing blood.

Rose continued working on T.T., but was interrupted as Gonff moaned, "Aw, we're outta coffee."

Rose nodded her head at the window. "D'you really wanna go back out there and get some more?"

T.O. was trying unsuccessfully to hack through the Sue-proof door that led to the studio. As the two mice watched her, the phone outside rang. Both gasped and screamed helplessly as T.O. answered the phone. Gonff read her lips as she spoke. "She's telling that story again, Rose. Do something."

Rose flinched and hauled out her cell phone. She hit the speed dial for Slagar's phone.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Mariel put her cell phone on speaker and held it up so the entire CORCC could hear it. Everybeast expected Rose or Gonff's voice. Several pairs of eyes narrowed as a female, but un-Rose-like voice sobbed out, "Hello?"

"Er, Rose, this is Mariel. Felldoh just played a childish prank," Mariel took the opportunity to glare at Slagar and Matthias as well, "and lost Triss in the process. Can you make an announcement on the station and ask for any callers to let us know if they see her?"

"Let me tell you a story," sobbed the voice.

Everybeast looked at each other. Triss began her tale. Five minutes later everybeast was writhing on the ground, clutching their ears. Triss let forth another volley of sickly sweet sadness. "NOT STORYTIME!" Slagar screamed. "ANYTHING BUT THAT. PLEASE!"

The masked fox felt his phone vibrate against his side. Panting heavily, he struggled to flip it open. "Slagar," he gasped.

Rose yelled directly into the speaker of her phone. "Slagar, Triss is here! Slagar! Listen to me!"

"Unh," Slagar moaned, trying to focus on the more normal-sounding voice that wasn't babbling about misery.

"There're two Trisses, and we need to find out why." Slagar moaned again, succumbing to T.O.'s voice.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Rose looked helplessly at Gonff. "Slagar isn't focusing. That Mary Sue's got the whole CORCC under her control. We need to stop her." Rose glanced swiftly out the window. "But neither of us would stand a chance if we went back out there."

"Do your eagle call."

"What?"

"I heard it through the glass, so Triss will too. Give me your phone and I'll talk to Slagar."

"And what am I supposed to do once my voice gives out?" Rose panicked.

"You'll think of something, mate." Gonff took Rose's phone. The mousemaid held a trembling paw to her throat. The eagle call blasted throughout the studio and into the room where Triss One was standing.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Everybeast on the CORCC stopped screaming. Instead of that happy, yet sobbing, voice, they heard Rose's muffled eagle call. Mariel scrambled quickly forward and slammed the phone shut. Silence reigned in the corridor.

"We're alive!" Bane shouted. Everybeast stood up and began to whirl each other in happy circles, able to think once more. As Constance and Cluny spun each other around, Cluny tripped over Martin. The stricken mouse warrior was fumbling with Mariel's phone.

"Rose, come back, Rose," he blubbered.

"For the love of Dark Forest," swore Cluny. He yanked Mariel's phone away from Martin. "If you say that name one more time, why, I'll-"

"Shut up everybeast!" yelled Slagar over the din. Everybeast shut up. "Listen to Rose." He hit a button on his phone's keypad.

Rose's voice filled the corridor. "Does anybeast know how Triss split into two different squirrels? The second one is in here with me and Gonff. She's normal and un-Sueish."

Mariel looked thoughtful. "Well, Triss's personality must have split when she came into the ORCC world."

"You're saying she's schizophrenic," asked Methuselah with interest.

"Not quite," answered Mariel. "She didn't come into ORCC in an authorized manner, so the universe change caused her to split. It's a self-defense mechanism we had installed. The goal is to split any unauthorized creatures into at least two less dangerous ones. In this case, Triss split into good and evil." Mariel smiled wryly. "Or normal and Mary Sue."

"Wait, did you say at least two, Mariel?" Rose asked fearfully.

"Oh, Dark Forest," swore Cluny again. "There're more of those things?"

Gonff had taken the phone from Rose. "Don't worry, Cluny. We may be out of coffee, but we can fend her off with the shiny menorah Rose is giving me for Christmas!"