AN: Hi guys! I'm sorry it took longer than I anticipated to update! The end of the semester is really kicking my butt! I could go on and complain about the six papers I have due in the next two weeks, but I'll spare you. This ends my complaining/excuse making time.
Disclaimer: I'm not J.K. Rowling and I do not own Harry Potter. If I did then I would build a castle that exactly resembles Hogwarts and live in it. Maybe turn it into a hotel. Ooh, that would be fun...
Remus rubbed his groggy eyes. It was early on Sunday morning and Remus had already been in the hospital wing for hours, waiting for Hannah to wake up. Remus looked down at Hannah's pale face in the faint pool of sunlight that was streaming in from the window, feeling like the world's biggest jerk. He just kept thinking that it was all his fault that she was in the hospital wing right now, that she was unconscious and might never wake up. He kept reliving that afternoon, kept changing it so that he had asked her to go to lunch with him, asked her to take a walk around the lake, done anything to keep her away from the costume shop before the explosion. He imagined them talking and laughing, her smiling down at him, her blue eyes shining with humor, with life. For minutes at a time he would get sucked into his fantasies, believing them to be the truth. Then he would blink and again he would look on Hannah's pale, lifeless face, forced to acknowledge that he had let his fears keep him away from her, that she might never wake up and it was completely his fault.
"Hey, Moony, how is she?" asked a voice from behind him, startling him. He turned his head and saw James standing awkwardly in the aisle between the rows of beds.
"Not good, Prongs," said Remus gruffly, sniffing quietly.
"I'm sorry," said James, putting his hand on Remus' shoulder. Remus looked up and saw that he was smiling sadly.
"How's Lily?" asked Remus, looking across the aisle where the blue curtain was pulled around Lily's bed.
"She's sleeping now. Madame Pomphery said she's going to fine in a few days," said James.
"How did you do it?" asked Remus quietly, staring down at his hands, fiddling with his fingers.
"How did I do what?" asked James. Remus heard him sit in the chair beside him, but he didn't lift his gaze from his fingers.
"How did you handle it when Lily was in the hospital wing, when you didn't know if she would ever wake again?" asked Remus, just as quietly as before. He just couldn't see how he could keep going on, constantly reliving all the mistakes he'd made, constantly knowing that her pain was his fault.
"I didn't, Moony. I didn't handle it. I just, I just spent a lot of time beside her bed, begging her to wake up, wishing I could go back in time and change everything so that she wouldn't have gotten hurt," said James gruffly, trying to clear his throat.
"Madame Pomphery doesn't even know what happened to her. I got to her so quickly, the Death Eater couldn't have hit her with many curses," said Remus, rubbing his tired eyes.
"Does she have any guesses?" asked James.
"She said Hannah was probably hit with an unknown curse. Tomorrow afternoon some healers from St. Mungos are coming to take her to the hospital," said Remus.
"I'm sure they'll be able to find out what's hit her and heal her, mate," said James.
"Sure," said Remus, but he didn't feel very confident.
"Lily, Lily," James said, shaking her shoulders. He had just returned from a quick lunch in the Great Hall to find Lily tossing and turning in bed, mumbling frantically.
"Oh, James," said Lily groggily, slowly sitting up in bed. She pulled the loose strands of her pretty red hair behind her ears and blinked a few times.
"Is everything ok? Were you having another nightmare?" asked James worriedly. James had woken early that morning to hearing Lily screaming in bed. Afterwards she had explained that she was dreaming about the man in the black cloak.
"Yeah," Lily admitted, small patches of pink rising on her cheeks. She looked down at the sheets that covered her, pulling at the threads that were hanging from it.
"You don't have to be embarrassed, Lily," said James, grabbing her hand and squeezing it, "anyone would have nightmares after what you went through."
"I know," said Lily, quietly, looking down at where their hands were meshed together.
"Lily," said James in a quiet and tender voice. Lily looked up, surprised at the change in his tone. "I'm so sorry, this is all my fault."
James had been thinking about his decision to leave Lily in the tunnel during every waking moment that day, cursing himself for being so stupid. It almost killed him to admit it to himself, but Snape was right. He had charged off to rejoin the battle without thinking about Lily's safety, without thinking about what she needed. She had begged him to come back to the castle with her, and he had talked himself into doing what he thought was the noble thing to do. But now he realized that being noble wasn't about fighting battles and punishing Death Eaters. It was about sacrificing what he wanted for the good of the people that he loved.
"James, you have to listen to me," said Lily urgently, "What happened to me is not your fault in any way. You had no way of knowing that that man was following me."
"But you asked me to go back to the castle with you, I should have listened."
"No, James. I was just being selfish because I couldn't stand the thought of losing you. You were brave and you did the right thing. You went to fight, to help other people, and I'll never forget that. I'll never forget how much I admired you as I was walking back to the castle, thinking about our kiss and how lucky I was that you were so upset about the Death Eaters that you risked your life to stop them." Lily squeezed James' hand and pulled him closer, hugging him tightly.
"It wasn't brave, Lily. I was the one who was selfish," said James remorsefully.
"You were brave, James. I just hope I'm half as brave as you are when I go to hunt down the man in the black cloak," said Lily defiantly, a steely glint in her eyes.
"When you what?" James roared, pulling roughly away from Lily and staring down at her in disbelief.
"I've decided that I'm not going to be a victim anymore, James. I'm not going to just wait around for the man in the black cloak to find me again. I'm going to hunt him down and find him. And when I find him, I'm going to give him back all the torture he gave me," said Lily, her face distorted in rage. To James she was extremely beautiful but also extremely terrifying.
"You most certainly are not going to go looking for him, Lily!" James shouted, "Just leave it up to the Marauders. Trust me, he'll get what he deserves!"
"I cannot believe you, James! This is the twentieth century and I am not some helpless damsel in distress who needs to be rescued!" shouted Lily, giving James the full extent of her glare. If glares could hex, James was sure that he would be in a lot of pain right now.
"Oh, really? That's not what it looked like yesterday!" James shouted back.
"How would you know what it looked like? You weren't the one to rescue me," said Lily. As soon as she said it she wanted to take it back. She could almost see the words written boldly in the space between them. The air felt chilly and Lily shivered. She reached out her hand into the space between them.
"Now what is going on here?" Madame Pomphery said in her steely voice. She was standing before the bed, her hands on her hips. Lily looked at James' cold eyes and dropped her hand, letting it swing down to hit the side of her bed.
"I'm sorry, Madame Pomphery, it's my fault," said Lily.
"No, it's my fault, Madame Pomphery," said James quickly, glaring at Lily.
"I really don't care whose fault it is, I just want quiet in my hospital wing so that my patients can rest and recover. Do you think you could do that?" Madame Pomphery hissed at them.
"Yes," they both said quietly.
"Good," said Madame Pomphery, fixing them both with a glare before storming off to her office.
"I'm sorry, James. I didn't mean what I said," said Lily.
"I'm sorry, too, Lily. I just can't even think about you being in the same room with that guy ever again," said James. "I care too much about you, Lily, I don't want you to put yourself in danger."
"I am in danger, James, and I always will be because I'm a muggleborn. But I don't have to cower in my room and wait for them to take me away. I can fight back, James. I have to fight back. That's what you've taught me," said Lily.
"Of all the things you could have learned from me," said James, shaking his head.
"I'm going to do this whether I have your permission or not," warned Lily.
"Alright, but at least promise me that you won't do it alone, that you'll let me and the Marauders help you," said James wearily, only slightly happier by these stipulations.
"Deal, partner," said Lily, grabbing his hand and shaking it, smiling cheesily at him.
"How's she doing?" asked James as he walked up beside Remus, who was still sitting in the chair beside Hannah's bed several hours later.
"She's not any better," said Remus wearily, scrubbing his tired eyes with his fingertips. Remus stood up stiffly and rubbed his back. It was just before dinner time on Sunday night, and he had been in the hospital wing since early this morning. He had a sleepless night in his dorm room, his thoughts focused completely on Hannah as he tuned out Sirius' snoring.
Remus' gaze was fixed on Hannah's pale, blank face. Her brown hair was fanned out around her head on the pillow. Beams of moonlight fell across her face, giving it a faint bit of color. Remus couldn't take his gaze off of Hannah's face. He felt so much guilt welling up inside of him. If he had just asked her to lunch like he had wanted to, she wouldn't be like this now. Now he was plagued by dreams of what could have been, of them talking and laughing in the Three Broomsticks, of him pulling Hannah back towards the castle as soon as the costume shop exploded, making sure she was safe.
"Moony, everything's going to be ok," said James, placing a hand on his shoulder. Remus looked at James' hand like it was a blast-ended skrewt.
"If this was your life, it probably would be," said Remus bitterly, glaring at James.
"And what is that supposed to mean?" asked James with an edge to his voice.
"It means that you're the great bloody Potter. Your life is perfect! You're popular, you get good grades effortlessly, you have these amazing parents who think every little thing you do is brilliant, and you have a perfect relationship with your gorgeous girlfriend," said Remus. His eyes were flashing with anger, and he felt uncontrollable rage flooding through him. Deep down he knew that he wasn't really mad at James. He was feeling guilty and he just needed to take his frustration out on someone.
"In case you forgot, Moony, you're popular, too, and you get better grades than I do all the time! Your parents might be overprotective sometimes, but they do love you. And my relationship with Evans is not perfect," said James.
"Oh, come on, James, Evans is so in love with you it makes me sick," said Remus.
"Please, Moony, my relationship with Evans is anything but perfect. She only cares about me because she doesn't remember that she has hated me for the past six years. Do you know how hard it is to be with someone, knowing that if they hadn't been lied to, they wouldn't be anywhere near you?" asked James.
"Wow, Prongs, how could I ever understand lying to someone I care about?" asked Remus bitterly, nearly spitting the words in James' face.
"What are you talking about, Moony?" asked James, taken aback by Remus' uncharacteristic attitude. He was usually so calm and rational.
"What am I talking about, Prongs? I'm talking about my furry little problem. I'm talking about how I can never be with Hannah, even if she wakes up, because I would have to lie to her about who I am, who I become once a month," said Remus.
"Why would you have to lie to her?" asked James.
"How could she ever accept me for who I really am? I'm dangerous, Prongs," said Remus, feeling his anger deflate as helpless resignation flooded through him once again. He collapsed back into his chair and ducked his head down, rubbing his forehead.
"We accepted you, mate. You tried to hide your furry little problem from Padfoot, Wormtail, and I because you thought we wouldn't accept you. But what happened? We found out, and if you don't remember, we did some pretty risky stuff just so we could join you and make it easier for you. How do you know Hannah won't react the same way?" asked James.
"I don't really think she'd be jumping for excitement and rush to learn how to turn into a bunny rabbit if she found out," said Remus bitterly.
"Well, no, that would be stupid of her. You know how you like to chase rabbits during your time of the month," said James, smirking at Remus, trying to get him to smile.
"Will you all stop calling it that?" asked Remus, "And that's exactly my point, Prongs, I'm dangerous."
"Moony, just give her a chance. People have a way of surprising you. Just look at Lily," said James, waggling his eyebrows, "two years ago you and Pads bet me that she would never go out with me, and now she's my girlfriend. Wait a minute, you and Padfoot owe me ten galleons!"
"James?" asked a female voice from beside him. He turned to see Lily standing beside him, a curious expression on her face.
"Oh, hi, Lily, how are you feeling? Do you think you should be out of bed?" asked James anxiously, wondering how much of his little speech she had heard.
"Why did Lupin and Black bet you that you wouldn't go out with me?" asked Lily, peering at him openly.
James felt slightly panicked, wondering what he should say. Should he tell her about their rocky relationship? Would he be able to explain it to her without making her mad? Should he finally tell her the whole truth, and see what happened? Every day she remembered more and more about her past before the accident. What if she remembered everything one day? Wouldn't she be mad that he had lied to her?
James looked over at Remus, trying to signal for help. Remus must have seen the panic in James' eyes, because he rolled his eyes at James and turned to Lily.
"You were always so far out of James' league, we never thought you would agree to date him, prat that he is," said Remus.
"Oh, that's silly. James is an amazing boyfriend and I'm lucky to have him," said Lily, smiling shyly up at James.
"No, you're the amazing one." James couldn't help smiling back, but inside he was feeling slightly sick. Was she really his if it was all based off of a lie?
"No, this isn't awkward for me at all, but thanks for keeping that in mind," said Remus, rolling his eyes. He tried to keep the bitterness out of his voice, but he wasn't sure he was really successful.
"Sorry, mate, she just smiles at me and I can't help it," said James, putting his arm around Lily's shoulder and pulling her close to him.
"Aww, that's so sweet, James," said Lily, beaming up at James.
"Again, not awkward at all," said Remus, "I think I'm going to grab some lunch quickly and then I'll be back. See you later."
"Just tell her, mate," said James quietly.
"I will when you do," said Remus, his eyes narrowing at James before he stalked out of the hospital wing and went to the kitchens instead of heading toward the Great Hall. He really didn't feel like being around people right now.
"Hey, Prongs," said Sirius around the mouthful of food that was dangerously close to falling right back out of his mouth.
"Pads," said James, piling things onto his plate without paying attention to what he was grabbing. James was still thinking about Lily's plan to track down the man in the black cloak. He didn't like the idea of her getting involved, but it didn't really matter if he did or not. She was always so stubborn!
"Where's Moony?" asked Sirius, still talking around his full mouth of food. James was amused for a minute by the Gryffindor girls who were gawking at Sirius in disgust.
"He hasn't been here? He said he was going to dinner a while ago," said James, frowning slightly.
"Should we talk about the Halloween party without him or wait for him?" asked Sirius. He had finally managed to swallow what had been in his mouth, but he had bits of mashed potato stuck to his lips.
"Are you serious, Pads?" asked James. Before Sirius could make his characteristic joke, James rolled his eyes.
"Why, yes, I'm always Sirius," said Sirius.
"I don't know why I put up with you," said James, shaking his head.
"It's because without me you'd be hopeless with the ladies," said Sirius, smiling arrogantly at James.
"Tell me again how stuffing your face makes you appealing to women, because I just don't see it," said James.
"Prongs, Prongs, you have so much to learn, even after all these years," said Sirius, patting him on the shoulder.
"Whatever you say, Pads," said James, rolling his eyes again, "Anyway, I was going to say that maybe we shouldn't do the Halloween party this year."
"That's even worse than my joke," said Sirius.
"You still think we should have a horror-themed party after everything that happened yesterday?" asked James.
"Yes, I do," said Sirius, "I can't believe you'd even think of cancelling it!"
"But Pads, people are already really scared about Death Eaters and Voldemort. Don't you think it would be irresponsible of us to throw a party that will just make them more afraid?" asked James, staring down at his plate and refusing to meet Sirius' eyes. He knew that Sirius was going to tease him about what he was saying.
"How could you even say that, James?" asked Sirius, his face completely shocked, "how could you even say the word irresponsible? Oh, no, I've got it! You're not James at all! You're McGonagall, and you've taken Polyjuice potion to pose as my best mate to get us to cancel our party!"
"Sirius, that's just ridiculous. I'm just concerned," began James.
"You're not fooling me, Professor! Like James would ever say he was concerned!" said Sirius.
"You're going to do this for the rest of the night, aren't you?" asked James, putting his forehead in his hands.
"I don't know, Professor, how long will it take for the potion to wear off?" asked Sirius, a wicked grin on his face.
"You know, sometimes I really hate you, Padfoot," said James.
"I hate you too, Professor," said Sirius. James just groaned.
Remus spent the whole rest of the night and the following morning beside Hannah's bed. Since Lily had been allowed to leave the hospital wing earlier that evening, James had lent Remus the Invisibility Cloak, so Remus had been able to sit next to her undetected. He dozed off a few times throughout the night, but mostly he sat beside her, trying to work out his confliction and what James had said. Was there really any hope that Hannah would accept him for who he was, monster and all?
When the first lights of dawn stole across the darkened hospital wing, Remus stretched his tired muscles and stood beside Hannah's bed. He pulled back the covers a little bit and found her hand. He took her small, delicate hand in his and rubbed the smooth back of it.
"Hannah," whispered Remus, ashamed that his voice was rough and clogged, "please wake up. I'm sorry I was such a prat and that I ignored you and blew you off. Wake up so I can tell you the biggest secret I've ever had, so I can explain to you why I made such a terrible mistake. I care about you a lot, and I want a second chance, so you have to wake up."
Remus stood silently above her bed, watching her, waiting for her to wake up. After several moments Remus got a sudden inspiration. He knew it sounded ridiculous, but he just knew that if he kissed her she would wake up. He closed his eyes and saw exactly how it would happen. He would lean down and brush her soft lips with his, and she would wake up and sit up and tell him that she forgave him. She would say that she knew he was a werewolf, had known all along, and that it didn't bother her at all. She would say that she wanted to be with him.
Remus leaned down over Hannah and studied her face in the pale light of morning. He brushed his hand through her thick brown hair, feeling the silky threads of it and smiling. Slowly he moved closer and closer to her, breathing in the slightly flowery scent of her shampoo. Inch by inch he got closer and closer, a million thoughts running through his head, a million thoughts and memories all centered on Hannah.
Hannah's lips were just as soft as Remus had imagined, and with his eyes closed he remembered all the times that he had spent with her, all the times he had looked at her when she wasn't paying attention. Remus had been just as crazy about Hannah for as many years as James had been crazy about Lily, Remus just hadn't ever shared his thoughts with anyone else because he knew his feelings couldn't ever truly be reciprocated. But with this kiss he knew they would, he knew that everything would be ok, just as James had predicted.
"Remus," said Hannah, as Remus pulled back slowly. His eyes flew open and he watched in amazement as she sat up and grabbed his hand.
"Hannah, I can't believe you're ok," said Remus, smoothing her hair behind her ear.
"I'm sorry, Remus," she said, her voice filling him with elation when he heard his name on her lips, "I must look a mess."
"No, Hannah, you look beautiful, like always," said Remus, beaming down at her.
"Thank you, Remus," said Hannah, her cheeks blushing slightly.
"Can I ask you a question, Hannah?" asked Remus nervously. It was horrible timing, but he knew that if he didn't get it out right away then he would come up with a million reasons why he shouldn't.
"Of course, you can ask me anything," said Hannah.
"Will you go out with me?" he asked, impatient for her answer from the second that the question was halfway out.
"Yes," said Hannah, smiling widely up at him.
This whole scene played out in Remus' mind as he slowly pulled away from Hannah's soft lips. Once he was standing up straight again he opened his eyes slowly and shifted his gaze very slowly to just above Hannah. He wanted to prolong the moment, to give himself another moment of infinite possibility. He took a deep breath and looked down at Hannah.
All of the breath escaped from his lungs and he felt like collapsing on the floor at the foot of her bed. She hadn't moved, her eyes were still shut, and she looked just as pale as she had for the past couple of days. Remus couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that what he had been so sure would work had failed.
Remus couldn't believe that in a few hours Hannah would be taken to St. Mungos. What was he supposed to do when she was taken away from him? When he couldn't watch over her and notice minute changes in her skin tone, or be sure that he saw her eyelids flutter or her fingers fidget? What if she never came back?
He covered himself with the invisibility cloak again, even though it was now late enough for him to be allowed in the hospital wing. He didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't want anyone to be able to find him. Maybe he would live in the invisibility cloak for a while, sneak down to the kitchens for meals, roam the castle at night, and sleep through his classes during the day.
Remus sat watching Hannah from under the invisibility cloak until the healers from St. Mungos arrived and then he slipped out of the hospital wing. From outside of the hospital wing doors, he saw Lily, James, Carrie, and Sirius through the window. They were at Hannah's side, offering words of encouragement to her, telling her that they cared about her. Remus turned and hurried to the dormitory. He kept thinking over and over again how many opportunities he had missed to tell Hannah that he cared about her.
"Moony," said a voice from beyond the red curtain that Remus had hastily pulled around his bed after he hastily threw himself on his mattress. Remus had been trying to fall asleep for the past half-hour, but he had only succeeded in tossing and turning every few minutes.
Remus didn't say anything, he just lay sprawled out on the bed. He didn't move when James pulled the curtain back from around his bed. He didn't even open his eyes.
"Nice foot, Moony," said Sirius, tickling it. It was hanging out from the invisibility cloak, the only part of Remus that was visible.
"What do you want?" asked Remus in an irritated tone.
"Padfoot, I don't think that's helping," James murmured in Sirius' direction.
"Well I don't know what I'm supposed to do, do I?" said Sirius, throwing his hands up. "I'm not into this whole share your feelings thing."
"Ignore him, Moony," said James, rolling his eyes. "Is there anything we can do for you?"
"I don't think there's anything I want that you can give me," said Remus.
"Not even a special prank on the Slytherins in your honor?" asked Sirius with a cheesy smile.
"No, but I would like to torture the Death Eaters who started the attack," said Remus bitterly. "Wait for the full moon and…"
"That's it!" Sirius yelled suddenly. James and Remus turned to look at him as if he had lost his mind, and then remembered that he already had long ago.
"Pads, I'm sure you thought of a great prank, but why don't we talk about it later? I'm not sure Moony wants to hear about it right now," said James.
"No, I'm not talking about a prank," said Sirius, "I'm talking about forming a group that will keep tabs on the Slytherin Death Eaters."
"Wow, did Sirius actually have a good idea?" James asked Remus.
"I think he did," said Remus.
"And that's not all. We'll put our first plan into action at the Halloween party," said Sirius mysteriously.
"Plan? What plan?" asked James worriedly.
"Don't you worry, I've got it covered. You just worry about expressing all of your deep inner-most feelings to each other, and I'll do the manly work. I'll see you both later," said Sirius, a wicked smile on his face.
"I don't think I like the sound of that," said James.
"I know. How probable is it that Sirius will have two good ideas in a row?" asked Remus.
AN: So, as always, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. I know this chapter was sad but I promise that soon there will be some more pranks and fun so stick with it. I don't know when I'll update next, but the good news is that in 3 weeks I'll be done with school until the end of August, so that'll be almost 4 months of much more frequent updating! Yay!
I have a little pop quiz for you. Ready?
What's a clickable link that I would really really love for you to click?
I know you know it! You're very bright fanficers, so I know you know the answer!
That's right! It's the REVIEW clickable thing! Yay! Virtual key lime pie for all! (unless you don't like key lime pie, in which case virtual _ (insert whatever desert you want on the line) (Although I have to say that I make really good key lime pie))
Bonus Question: What should you do right now?
Huh? Water your sunflower, which you affectionately named Moe? Paint your room florescent orange? Don a winter hat and run outside screaming, "I am the master of the hokie pokie!" ?
No! You should REVIEW my story!
So now that you know that the last few weeks of the semester has made me lose my sanity, I really hope that you disregard my weirdness and continue with my story. I promise I will be much more normal after the semester is over! (hopefully).
Love,
LittleMissKrissy