Dear Diary, September 10th, 6th Year (cont.)
Wow…I can't believe today. It's been very, very strange. Everything I thought I knew has been turned upside down, like one of those horrible spells you see in a book in the Restricted Section. I can't believe that I SKIPPED classes today just because I was too much of a coward to risk facing everyone. Really, they should have put me in Hufflepuff or something. No! Not even Hufflepuff, they shouldn't have ever sent me a letter! I never deserved one but here I am. If only Petunia knew how hard it was to live in a world where you obviously don't fit in, just to return to one where you will always stand out. *sigh* I wish the letter had gone to her.
Anyways, on a slightly more depressing note, where did I leave off earlier? Oh yes, when I was "heroically" hiding out in an empty classroom. Well, needless to say, I felt like hippogriff dung. Not only was I unable to break someone's heart that I couldn't stand but I couldn't even admit the fact that he was starting to grow on me.
Don't take that the wrong way diary. As you and I both know (are you me too?), I could never let Potter grow on me that much. I was just discovering that he wasn't as annoying as I previously thought. Not that anyone would understand that.
Anyway…back on topic! I was sitting in this room, minding my own business when who comes prancing in but Sirius, Remus, and Peter. I had conjured up a few brightly-colored rabbits to entertain me in my hide out. "What do you want?" I asked as my new friends vanished.
"Well Evans, if you must know-" Sirius began before being interrupted by Remus.
"We know you ran off from James. We're just curious as to why."
"How do you know he didn't scare me off?" The boys stared glances, apparently opting to ignore my question.
"Lily, we know that something is going on if you're even talking to him in the first place." Darn it Remus, why do you have to be so smart? If one of them were to catch on to the plan… Let's just say I would never be able to show my face at Hogwarts again.
"Is it really any of your business who I talk to?" I asked, standing up so that I would be more leveled with them. It gives me a sense of power and lessened the power they had just a little bit. "How did you find me anyways?"
"First, Prongs is always our business. Secondly, that's our business about how we got here, not yours, so stay out." Can you be anymore obnoxious Black? Do you strive to drive people away?
"Back on topic, you two," Remus interrupted, attempting to smile. How does anyone smile at a time like this? "Why are you playing him Lily?"
"I'm not playing him," I replied, even though I so am. I'm so bad. On the bright side, I could make this work. I could still go through with my plan, my totally heartless evil plan, with the help of Potter's friends. I mean, I didn't want to tell them what I was doing. I had to either crush James Potter or crush myself. As shameful as it is, I chose myself. Who wouldn't though? Once again, I don't understand why the Sorting Hat put me in Gryffindor. Nothing and no one is perfect, including a magical hat.
"Maybe," I said, lowering my voice to make it seem more believable, "maybe I don't know what to think of James Potter."
"Wha-?" Black began to ask before Remus elbowed him. I had my head downcast, hiding my eyes behind my hair. This made my staring hidden and my cold calculation unnoticeable. I really should join the British Secret Intelligence Service.
Next, to add on to my already genius acting skills, I let a few tears fall. "I just don't know what to think, you see. Here is someone I have hated forever-FOREVER-and all of the sudden my heart races when I see him and I look for him in the halls not to hide but to talk to! It's scaring me!"
Sirius and Peter looked absolutely bewildered but Remus managed to remain cool. He came over and gently placed a hand on my arm. "Understandable. You just don't know what to do."
I widened my eyes as I turned to look into his. "I, I don't want people to think me a hypocrite. But at the same time, I want to follow my heart." Did I really say that, 'follow my heart'? My opinion of myself just keeps going lower and lower.
Peter glanced at Sirius. After a few whispers and nudges, Peter left and Sirius nodded at Remus. They were using their guy code for something. "Listen Lily; let's go back to the Room of Requirement so that you can calm down in a comfy location. I hear girls like to eat chocolate and mope and cry into pillows. The Room could get you all of that." Remus would make a good sales person. He knows just where to get people so that they'll do whatever he says.
I sniffled for dramatic flair, silently wondering where Peter had run off to and what was going on. Then I took a few steps forward and gave Sirius a watery grin. "I was running so fast earlier that I didn't see where I was going. This is so embarrassing, but can one of you take me to the Room?"
"Perhaps I can help?" I recognized Potter's voice instantly. It sounds flowery and nice on the top but once you did deeper it's full of dung. Turning, I gasped just loud enough for those closest to me to hear as I began to blush.
"How long have you been standing there Potter?"
"How long would you like me to be standing here Evans?" I hate your smirk. It's so ugly.
I pretended to think about it, sticking a small smile on my face. "For as long as possible." You reacted with a startled blink and a quick glance towards Sirius who responded with a small shrug.
"So, are we going?" I finally asked when no one said anything. Potter walked over, looking as if I would bite him if he got too close. I kept my face composed, silently cursing myself for having chosen the tears. Now I had tears all over my face.
Potter didn't seem to mind though. He wiped one away and I had to resist from flinching in disgust. Does that move ever work on anyone? No one, I'm guessing because it certainly didn't work with me. Then he tried to hold my hand but I just couldn't do that. "No, lets…let's not."
"Why? You just said-"
"I'm just not ready to go that public, you know? This is really confusing after everything we've been through. Let's just get going, ok?"
James nodded, casting a puzzled glance towards Remus. "Ok then. We'll just walk there, together."
After taking the longest, most awkward walk in my entire life, I realized something. James Potter had never, ever, EVER been this quiet. There was something wrong. Maybe he really was falling for me. Which works perfectly since that's my whole plan. Duh.
Listen, I'm too tired to write about what happened when we reached the room. I'll finish it tomorrow. For now, I'm going to bed.
Night!
Lily
Dear Lily, Sept. 10th, Our Sixth Year (again)
It only took me FOREVER but I found you. Well, I didn't find you, my mates did. They (because they are total SPIES) were watching us on the Map. I suppose they just wanted to see how long we could stay together without one of us dying.
After you ran out, I tried to run after you but you disappeared very quickly. I almost wondered if you have an Invisibility Cloak too. You could also just be really fast. I decided to check all the hangouts before looking in the random spots of Hogwarts. You weren't in the Common Room or the Girls' Dorm (I had some third year check for me). You weren't in the library, the Great Hall, or by the lake. You weren't anywhere I expected you to be.
Finally, when I just didn't know what to do, an angel came upon me in the form of Peter. "Wormtail! I need the map! Where is everyone?"
"Prongs, just follow me. Calm down a little too."
"Calm down?" I jumped from the bench I was sitting on and barely refrained from grabbing Peter's throat.
Peter stepped back. "We know what happened. Moony and Padfoot are interrogating Evans right now."
I could feel my heart freeze, Evans. Seriously. I can't even imagine what they could be doing to you. "Just take me to her, ok? I can't take not knowing."
Wormtail led me down some halls and finally we entered an empty classroom. I guess there were just so many rooms I couldn't find you. Evans, I would have kept searching, just so you know. I never would have given up on you.
We slipped into the room unnoticed. You were in the midst of some break down. I thought briefly about what you had said before I entered. I figured I would just ask the guys later.
"I was running so fast earlier that I didn't see where I was going. This is so embarrassing, but can one of you take me to the Room?"
I knew, right away, that this was my moment. I spoke up. "Perhaps I can help?" Evans, you blushed! You gasped too! You're so beautiful, even amid the tears.
"How long have you been standing there Potter?"
"How long would you like me to be standing here Evans?" Not the smoothest reply but I couldn't think of anything else to say. Besides, I wanted to make it look like I knew something instead of just having been tossed into the situation.
"For as long as possible." The smile on your face only helped to confuse me, so I looked swiftly at Padfoot for help. He just shrugged. Big fat load of help you are.
"So, are we going?" I moved closer to you, wondering briefly if this wasn't a dream that would turn into a nightmare. I could just picture you hexing my face off the face of the earth. I made a move to wipe your tears. When you didn't flinch, I made a move to hold your hand. You rejected me. "No, lets…let's not."
"Why?" I asked, confused. "You just said-"
"I'm just not ready to go that public, you know? This is really confusing after everything we've been through. Let's just get going, ok?" If that is what you wanted than I could do it. I gave Moony a look of confusion before I replied.
"Ok then. We'll just walk there, together." We walked out of the room together, slowly making our way down the hall. I gave the Marauders one last look and they just shrugged.
It was a walk of silence. A walk of shame. A walk of awkwardness. And yet, I was walking with you. With Evans. With Lily, the love of my young life.
When we reached the room, I said I would take care of what it looks like. When she opened the door, Lily gasped next to me.
I had turned the room into a field of flowers. You could still see the walls but what appeared to be trees lined the room. I figured and outdoor setting would make her happy. There was a blanket in the center for us to sit on.
"So, do you like it?" I asked a little nervously.
"How could I not?" you replied. I think you were trying not to smile too much.
"Would you like to sit down?" I grabbed her hand and pulled her over before she could protest. "We're alone Lily, surely I can hold your hand now." It was tiny, rather chilled, and fragile to the touch. I felt like she was afraid to move it, almost as if the moment would shatter. I felt it could shatter.
"Why flowers?" you asked suddenly.
"I thought girls liked flowers?"
"We do. I just never imagined getting these many flowers."
"Are they enough?"
You giggled before lying down on the blanket. I lay down next to you and rested my hand on top of yours lightly. "Of course there enough James, I just didn't think someone would want to give me this many."
"I would give you more if I could."
We fell into a silence but this time it wasn't as awkward as before. Rather, it was a comfortable silence. I rolled onto my side, looking at you as you lay, hands beneath your head, staring at the ceiling. The uniforms at Hogwarts, as you know, aren't particularly flattering. This time though, I couldn't help to appreciate the looseness of them. Since we were lying on the ground the uniform was merely lying on top of you but it hung down, fitting your curves. Nice curves too, Evans.
You continued to just stare at the ceiling which had swirling colors. I figured that was your wants shining through. The colors were rolling together, spinning around each other, and at some points mixing. It was pretty amazing to look at but, at the same time, it gave me this feeling of confusion.
"James?"
"Yes Lily?"
"Why did you always try so hard to date me?"
I blinked rapidly, running my free hand through my hair. "Who wouldn't?"
"Be serious Potter."
"I can't be Sirius, I'm James."
You sat up quickly and pulled your hand out from under mine. "Answer me Potter."
"Okay Evans, you want the truth?" I sat up too. "Some people say you just know when you're in love. People say things like 'love at first sight' or 'May born witches marry Muggles.' There are all these superstitions and rumors but no one ever really knows what love is until they feel it for themselves. I just knew that you were mine. Remus told me about his tutoring sessions for Defense Against the Dark Arts with you."
I could see you blush. "It was just that one time. The Patronus Charm was giving me difficulty. I needed it to pass."
"You Patronus is a doe, is it not?"
"Ya, but how would know that?"
"Mine is a stag." Your eyes widened as you took in the information. I could almost see the House Elves in your brain working.
Finally, you spoke. "That's rather interesting, isn't it? Why would we have such similar Patronuses?" After you said that, you seemed to regret it. You're quite the interesting character, Lily.
"People who have the male and female pair of the Patronus are meant for each other. It's pure magic."
"Pure magic," you repeated softly, looking confused as you sat back down. We chatted some more about different subjects, all of them light hearted before you looked at your watch.
"Do you see the time? I'm a prefect! I need to get back to the Common Room; I can't be caught out of bed!" Once again Lily, in that slightly annoying habit you have, you jumped up.
"Lily, take it easy. You'll be fine. Just say you're patrolling the halls or something. Say you were doing your duty as a prefect and followed me when I snuck out of the dorms."
"That's actually a good idea James. You surprise me."
"You surprise me too Lily. I'm not dead, hexed, cursed, or injured after spending all this time with you."
There was your laugh again Lily. Music to my ears. "Oh be quiet. Let's get going."
I led our way out the door, cautiously sticking my head out to check and make sure no one was around. The corridor was empty so we stepped out. I grabbed your hand nervously and I was pleased to see that you didn't reject it this time. You probably figured it was too late for anyone to see us. You think a lot like a Slytherin sometimes.
When we reached the Portrait Hole you stopped. "I just thought I should say good night to you here, you know for privacy." Where you going to kiss me Lily? My heart sped up, my stomach plummeted, and-
-you stuck out your hand. A handshake, really? I took it and pulled you close before going in for the kiss. You dodged it.
"Not just yet Potter," you said, a quirky little smile on your face. And then you were gone.
The Marauders questioned me endlessly about what happened and Remus filled me in on what happened with you (don't worry, I ignored Sirius's side comments). I just wanted to write all of this down before I forgot. It was a confusing day but rewarding in so many different ways.
Yours,
James