Okay hi sorry it's a bit late...while i'm here and in the mood I might work on the next chapter and update it...I dunno yet. So ya. Sorry i had youth group and I didn't have the motivation to update...it was just a difficult night... but I'll save you the sob story :/
I woke up to Sapphire purring by my head and sat up in bed figuring it was time for breakfast or at least Charms class. "Evans you're going to miss breakfast!" James yelled and I groaned getting out of bed and meeting him in the hallway.
"Evans, have you looked at yourself?"
"Why what's wrong?" I asked and looked down seeing my scars and cuts but that couldn't be it. I touched my hair and nodded it felt out of place and array.
"Your hair looks ridiculous." I nodded before disappearing back into my room and changing into robes. I pulled a brush through my hair and sorted through my books figuring for today I only needed Charms, transfigurations and Potions textbooks since Potions was a double block today.
I went to Charms smiling as I got there early and pulled out my textbook reading through chapter one. It was basic pretty much a review of last year. "Miss Evans you're here early." Mr. Jenkins said and I merely shrugged smiling at him. He was a nice teacher he didn't pry and often which was better for me.
I continued studying as my class filed in and of course Potter just had to sit beside me. "Hi Evans, didn't see you at breakfast." He said and I shrugged.
"I was there you probably just didn't notice." I said casually and he shrugged as Nicole came and sat beside me sniggering at Potter as she did so.
Charms didn't catch my interest like it used to, class seemed to drag on and on all I wanted was out Transfiguration wasn't any fun but at least McGonagall was a somewhat entertaining teacher.
Luckily Mr. Jenkins dismissed us and I walked with Nicole to Transfiguration. "So Lily you look absolutely stunning what did you do?" She asked and I smiled at her.
"Nicole you're gorgeous already but all I did was take up running." I said casually and Nicole nodded not looking at all convinced when really I'd give anything to look like her. She was gorgeous and me well…I was bruised and scarred. I'm damaged goods who would ever love me?
Nicole and I walked into Transfiguration taking seats near the back behind the Marauders. I couldn't help but look at James, Really look at him he was good looking in that confident kind of way and did seem to genuinely care about his friends…. I mentally slapped myself for thinking like this and reminded myself of the many times he'd beaten up Severus.
"Okay students today I wanted to discuss a few things for your future rather than do work. As all of you know it's your final year and many of you are starting to think of your future. You need to do well on your finals to get out into the world and I refuse to let any of your fail. Gryffindor's because I am your head of house and Hufflepuffs well because I care about every house and I want to see you all succeed."
"You are all bright students and I know you have the skill to do well beyond this point. I know many of you have stresses of your own whether it be family, boys, etcetera but I believe you can succeed."
I started zoning out thinking of the days my mother had used to say the same to me…back when I'd been….normal….
Mom had actually loved me now she barely looked at me and when she did she'd usually go off at me calling me a freak, worthless, etc. Dad only hit me….back when I was growing up I'd been his 'little princess'
A tears sprung free and I hastily wiped it away but not before James Potter saw. He looked alarmed for a moment before turning back to McGonagall. Of course he wouldn't care because he'd just turn away as soon as things got tough.
I looked down sadly and rested my head on my schoolbag trying to stay in reality since dwelling on the past didn't do me any good.
"Okay students off to lunch but I want a one thousand word essay on why good marks, goals and knowing what you want to do are important." I got up and went to lunch with Nicole I didn't want to eat but the pain in my stomach told me I should. I wanted to be perfect though, I wanted to look perfect I wanted to extinguish this pain that sat inside me.
I filled my plate with a biscuit, a half of a cucumber sandwich and Caesar salad before eating slowly as James kept his eyes on me. I ignored him and went into a discussion with Nicole about what she'd done over the summer. Luckily meal ended as she asked how mine had gone. "I have potions I'll see you later." She nodded and I went to Potions feeling nervous without either of my friends there I had no idea who I'd be with. Since there were four Marauders and that possibly left me alone….
There was no way I'd be with Severus considering who he'd become but looking back I wondered if I could've prevented it or if somehow Severus Snape becoming a death eater were my fault…
"hey Evans we're partners right?" I shrugged as we got to potions and Potter took a seat beside me.
"Hello students, welcome to a fun year I actually wanted to start with a potion today the instructions are on page sixty-nine and get started. I pulled out my book and put it on a stand in between the cauldron and sent James up for the ingredients. I looked over the potion and noticed it looked fairly easy just a concoction to heal the common cold. Mrs. Pomprey must've been out or something.
"So Lily you okay?" Potter asked and I was surprised he'd used my first name; he hadn't done so since….well ever.
"I'm perfectly fine thanks for asking though." He nodded and started cutting up the snake tail for the potion as I put in three drops of phoenix tears into the cauldron.
"So Evans I have a better question why won't you go out with me?" James asked looking suddenly serious.
"Because Potter you're an arrogant Prick." And I'm scared you'll leave me once you know what my dad did….I'm scared of being hurt again. You can't heal my heart.
"Okay Evans….I'm sorry." I looked up stunned I'd never heard him utter those words to anyone else.
"Why are you sorry?"
"Because I should know when to understand no means no. So I get it just friends from now on, okay?" I nodded but felt somehow disappointed at the same time.
From then on we worked on our potion silently.
Once we were done we went back up to the dormitory and I went to my room sprawling on my bed releasing every emotion as tears poured down my face. I couldn't help but wonder why I was crying so much lately. I grabbed for my razor and slipped off robes and white button up shirt standing in front of the mirror. I squeezed the fat between my fore finger and thumb before releasing it dragging the blade across my stomach.
Blood pooled up at the surface but not enough I moved the blade to my arm just two inches above my elbow and dragged it across one, two, three times wincing in pain.
Blood pooled in thick droplets before running down my arm. I put on my shirt again and made my way to the bathroom running a bath. I made it burning hot before sinking in wincing but scrubbed myself down as I did lately wishing to wipe off the fifth my dad's touch brought. I broke down in loud sobs knowing nobody but me and James were allowed in here. "Oh poor little red head crying all alone." A voice rang out and I looked up startled as I saw moaning Myrtle.
"Go away." I said as she came closer.
"Why? Afraid I'll tell somebody? You're very pretty why would you have any reason to cry?"
"I said. GO AWAY!" I shrieked before going underwater and swimming from one end of the tub to the other. I got into the rhythm and swam laps around the pool until I felt a little better Moaning Myrtle no longer in sight.
I got out spinning my hair into a towel and dried off putting my school robes back on before brushing my hair. I used a spell and immediately it was soft and dry. I brushed it once more and noticed a chunk came out as I ran my hand through it afterward, only about twenty-five hairs but it still scared me.
I went down to dinner and sat beside Nicole and Beatrice. Potter sat across from be in between Sirius and Remus. I looked at him and he smiled at me, he seemed genuine around his friends maybe Remus had been right maybe it was all an act.
"Lily?" I looked at Beatrice and she laughed pointing to my empty plate. "Going to eat?" I nodded and put some vegetables, rice and a bit of curry on my plate before digging in. It tasted heavenly but I couldn't help but think about how fat I looked. As dinner ended Beatrice and Nicole tried getting me to do homework with them but I told them I'd see them in twenty minutes before going to the prefects' bathroom.
I bent down in front of the toilet and shoved a finger down my throat. At first nothing came then I felt the bile rising in my throat and felt it all come up. I repeated this until my stomach felt empty.
I brushed my teeth before I went back to the common room meeting up with Nicole and Beatrice in front of the fire place. I sat down and started working on the essay for Transfiguration. I sighed feeling slightly disappointed in myself and excused myself going back up to my room just as tears brushed my cheeks. I was so sick of this pain, so sick of feeling like this.
I pulled on pyjamas and dug the blade into my ankles sliding it around before collapsing into bed.
So ya...hope you enjoyed it the song title Easier To Run-Linkin Park kinda well spoke to me...It's not on my Ipod (yet) So I googled songs about haunting memories and cutting (cuz I do that) and found it...I kinda felt it fit for this :) So ya I'm sorry for a few things fast paced it is is a bit OOC everything and 4.I'm sorry she's such a fucking downer and well 5.I'm just sorry...