Okay hi all sorry for the delay things have been crazy and I've been well...unmotivated to say the least. So ya...enjoy and sorry.
"Evans!" I sat up and cringed at the sound of the voice of no other than James Potter came into my room Wednesday afternoon. I sighed and he entered smiling.
"What do you want?" I asked and he looked sympathetic as if seeing me like this tore him apart as well.
"I wanted to apologize. This isn't right, Lils you can't just stay in here because of me. You're wearing away before our eyes."
"I'm fine James."
"No that's the thing you're not, you've been telling me you are since the summer but you're not."
"You can't just come waltzing back in here pretending to be my friend." He nodded before turning.
"I'm sorry Lils. I want to make this up to you." He closed the door and I curled up into a ball letting the tears escape. I missed him so much but he'd moved on, I wasn't supposed to fall for him…..
Luckily as I returned Thursday my teachers were understanding and welcomed me back with open arms none of them remarked on my absence but seeing James alone hurt. I wanted to run away from him but I knew that'd be immature. Luckily Beatrice stayed close but I soon figured out Nicole had been lying to hurt me as James blew her off when she tried kissing him.
I sighed and ate but still threw it up, it seemed I couldn't get through the day without either starving myself or making myself throw up. I looked better than I had in months and the past few days lying in bed I'd only let the fat sit there, I needed to run and work it off.
I went outside and ran by the ocean the cold October air cut through me but I ignored it needing to forget and running was the only way I could. After a few laps I went up to my room, I looked down the hall longingly towards James' door. I missed him but I would never admit it, I looked down before going into my room. I stopped and stared in the mirror; I looked thin but not thin enough. My body was cut up all over and there were multiple scars all over me.
I went to bed telling myself it'd get easier but I didn't believe it, every time I saw James I felt a stabbing pain in my heart. I only wanted him to love me….but he couldn't handle me. I only burdened everyone in sight….
"Evans! Breakfast!" I sat up and got dressed before quickly shoving all the finished essays done and textbooks into my bag. I ran to Potions and sat at the back saying hi to Mr. Slughorn and handing in the two essays that were due.
"How are you doing Lily?"
"I'm good Professor. Feeling much better." He nodded encouragingly as I sat near the back.
"Did you already have breakfast Miss Evans?"
"Yes I finished early." I said and he nodded I put my head on the table and thought to myself. It might be easier if me and James weren't together. This way there was no guilt about me losing my virginity to dad, I wouldn't have to hate him for taking it from me.
But at the same time I missed James….I wanted him back but he showed just how much of a burden I really was. I am unlovable. I sighed pulling out a pulling and a piece of paper I doodled and drew as well as wrote little sayings I wish I could tell James or things I felt about myself as my class started filing in. Unfortunately James sat beside me but luckily he was silent.
"Okay class just work on your essays for this class tomorrow we're doing an optimism potion." I snuck a glance at James' paper before figuring out that was one of the essay's I'd finished and continued on my piece of paper until it was finished.
"Evans?" I looked up and tried to keep my heart from beating too fast as I looked into James' hazel eyes. "I'm just sorry." I nodded and he looked at my paper. "Can you ever forgive me?"
"I don't know. I think the better question is can I ever forgive myself" I said truthfully James looked concerned.
"Why would you need to forgive yourself you did nothing wrong." He said and I rolled my eyes.
"You're wrong. I have a lot to blame myself for." Too many things to count… I said silently and he nodded slowly.
"I'm sorry for how I reacted Lils, I shouldn't have….I just I'm here for you okay?" I nodded knowing I couldn't trust him fully.
He sighed looking away unhappily as class ended and we continued going to Defence Against the Dark Arts together luckily I had this class with Beatrice. She sat beside me silently and patted my hand and smiled whenever she saw me looking at James.
"It'll be okay." She whispered to me as we started on the essay that Miss. Gale assigned us an essay on the importance of defensive spells. I sighed and went to work on the essay submerging myself to keep my mind off the messy haired, arrogant yet kind-hearted and sincere boy in front of me.
Beatrice and I went to lunch and she smiled at me reassuringly we sat down and I filled my plate with salad as I felt eyes on me. I turned to James as he quickly looked away I sighed wondering if we could ever go back to the way things were.
I missed his arms around me, I missed the cute conversations, the careful kiss of his lips on my forehead as I drifted off to sleep in his arms….
I pulled out the piece of paper I'd been doodling on earlier and wrote one thing in big letters on the folded piece of parchment. I still love you.
Lunch ended and Beatrice and I went off to charms mostly I acted like a zombie, I did the charms and participated but all I wanted was to curl up into bed and forget about the world, forget about James. Or maybe I'd go for a run wearing my muggle shorts and a tank top, exposing my cuts to the fresh autumn air.
As the day ended I told Beatrice I needed alone time before running upstairs and putting on long sweatpants and a sweatshirt. I'd decided I didn't want to risk anybody seeing my cuts quite yet.
I went outside and started running around the lake like I usually did breathing in the cold air was calming. "Hi Lils." I groaned as no other than James Potter approached me and I couldn't help the butterflies that filled my stomach.
"What are you doing Potter?"
"Well I told you I'd make it up to you. You're not talking to me so I figured I'd join you, try and figure out why you run every day. Try and talk to you, rebuild your trust. I miss you." Just those three words caused tears to fill my eyes, I wanted nothing more than to hug him and kiss him but I knew I couldn't, I had to be strong.
"James….this isn't fair…" I kept running and went faster than him hoping to throw him off but he only matched my pace as I had to stop because I was breathing so hard.
"You okay?" James asked stopping beside me I nodded as he approached me putting a hand on my shoulder.
"Don't. Touch. Me." I said and he nodded backing away. I slowly realized nobody had touched me except Beatrice and James since summer break and I wondered what would happen if it were anyone else? I'd heard about rape victims, about how they'd be forced into panic attack just from a simple touch.
"Come on Evans I'm taking you to your room."
"No, you can't do this! You can't just waltz off then come back expecting me to crawl back into your arms." I said as tears ran down my face. "It isn't fair." I said as I sat against a tree wrapping my arms around myself. James sank down to my level and placed his hands on my knees.
"I understand, I feel so guilty for hurting you. If I could redo it I never would've turned away. It's done though I only want you back." I sniffled wiping my eyes and he sat beside me pulling me against him. I gripped the front of my t-shirt and cried realizing that years ago Severus had been right "The only person you want when you're crying is the person who made you cry in the first place."
So ya...there you go. I will fix this. I mean I always viewed James as loyal and I plan on keeping it that way :) Also A.L.E.K if you're reading this CHECK YOUR DANG DEVIANART. That is all
-Little Miss Fake It