Fritz: Whew. That was a close one.
Pirates: Hey! One of them just said, 'Whew. That was a close one.' Now we can pinpoint where they are!
(Fritz, Ernst, and Roberta find themselves being chased again. Eventually they are safe. Really. They arrive at a river to cross.)
Fritz: Okay. Take off your clothes. It's river wading time! (Takes off shirt)
Roberta: (stares at Fritz) Heh…heh…cutie Swiss guy… (Drools)
Ernst: Hey, Bertie! Clothes off. Of are you even wimpier than me? I can take my shirt off! (Does so) Oh yeah! My manly hotness! Check out these manly rugged arms!
Roberta: (sees Ernst without a shirt) MY EYES! MY EYES! SOMEONE GET ME SOME ACID!
Ernst: (Is sad) Why do people always do that?
Roberta: (steals Ernst's gun) I'LL SHOOT! DON'T MAKE ME UNDRESS! AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON!
Ernst: (comes at Roberta)
Roberta: Oh come on. You could at least try to make me shoot the one I won't mind shooting. (Shoots easily over Ernst's shoulder) That was a warning. Don't come closer.
Fritz: (has snuck up behind Roberta, and pulls off her hat/scarf thing. Therefore, it is apparent she is a girl. Don't ask how.)
Ernst: Heh…heh…pretty girl… (Drools)
Roberta: (starts crying) My granddaddy told me to cut my hair an it was really pretty but I had to cause otherwise I would be-
Tinkerbell: (appears, her wand stained with blood) Don't make me kill you too. I got a pretty good crime ring going here. You wouldn't be safe anywhere, punk. Don't say the "r" word.
Roberta: Uh….so I wouldn't have to marry one of the pirates…
Tinkerbell: That's better. (disappears)
Roberta: Anyhoo, I'm a girl and my name's Roberta.
Ernst: Heh…heh…you're purdy. (Drools)
Fritz: I'll help you, Roberta.
Ernst: I will too.
(Together they help Roberta across the river.) (The Emcee from Cabaret appears and starts singing to the tune of Two Ladies, which I do not own. Most of the words are written by my sister, persephone-goddess, and are put here with her permission.)
Emcee: Beedle dee dee dee dee!
Two Swiss Guys.
Beedle dee dee dee dee!
Two Swiss Guys.
Beedle dee dee dee dee!
Und she's the only girl,
Ja!
Beedle dee dee dee dee!
She likes Fritz.
Beedle dee dee dee dee!
Fritz likes her.
Beedle dee dee dee dee!
Ernst is upset.
(The Emcee disappears.) (Cut to later)
Roberta: I'm tired an hot an thirsty an I wanna go home. (Starts crying)
Fritz: Don't worry, Roberta-Schnooky-Pie. I'll find a way back to the tree house.
Ernst: Roberta-Girl-Who-I-Love-With-All-My-Heart, let's go back to the coast and wait for your grandfather to get out of the hospital due to Tinkerbell injuries. He's certain to rescue us.
Roberta: Okay!
Fritz: NOOO! (Big fight with Ernst) (Fritz wins) Ha. Survival of the fittest, man. Your genes will eventually be eliminated fro the gene pool because you fail at life. Ha. I know more about biology than you. Ha.
Ernst: (picks up gun) As you often say, knowing stuff doesn't matter here.
Fritz: Idiot, there's no shots in there. And I can still whup your as-
Tinkerbell: (pops up) PUNK! YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE THE THEATER! KEEP (hits Fritz with machete) IT (hits him again) KID (again) APPROPRIATE (and yet again)!
Fritz: I don't like the amount of blood coming from my head…
Tinkerbell: Oh dear. No blood in Disney movies. (Heals Fritz) (Pops away)
Ernst: (checks.) Why so you're right about the number of bullets in the pistol! Ten fold, old chap!
Fritz: Don't think you can faux-British accent your way out of this one, jerk. When we're home, I'm so not gonna stand up for you when Father wants to eat you.
Roberta: I love it when guys fight over me. Fritz, I don't wanna walk.
Fritz: I'd give you a piggy back ride, but it's too suggestive for Disney movies.
Tinkerbell: (appears) No. You're good with the piggy back ride. As long as you don't make any innuendos. And was that Cabaret music I heard a little while ago?
Emcee: (appears) Beedle dee dee dee dee!
Two ladies.
Beedle dee dee dee dee!
Two Ladies
Beedle dee dee dee dee!
Und I'm ze only man.
Ja…
Tinkerbell: THAT'S SO NOT EVEN AN INNUENDO! KEEP IT G RATED! NOT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS!
(The Emcee and Tinkerbell fight it out, in a gory, bloody and definitely not G rated battle scene)
Roberta: I'm never doing a Disney movie again…