(Cut to the next day.)
Father: The pirates will come after us. We must be prepared.
(The family proceeds to create many intricate traps fro the pirates.)
Francis: We have to have pits with tigers in them!
Father: We can have pits, but no tigers.
Francis: (does Jedi mind thing) We will have tigers.
Father: We…will…have…tigers…
Ernst: (makes top hat out of straw, singing as he works.) I love Roberta, I love Roberta…
Roberta: (has intimate conversation with Fritz)
Ernst: (appears) HI! I MADE A HAT!
Roberta: Oh…you look….uh…nice…
Fritz: She means stupid.
Ernst: No she doesn't'!
Roberta: Yeah I do…
Fritz and Ernst: (fight it out)
Roberta: FIGHT! FIGHT!
Francis: FIGHT! FIGHT!
Mother: KILL HIM, FRITZ! KILL HIM! WE'LL EAT WELL TONIGHT!
Father: Oh, come on now! What have I said about bruises messing up the taste of the meat? BREAK IT UP! By the way, this must have happened because everyone's all stressed out. We shall have a holiday tomorrow.
(Later on the bridge)
Roberta: Hey, utterly hot without a shirt Fritz. Wanna teach me how to shoot a gun?
(Apparently the above act requires Fritz basically touching Roberta on the back and arms. The two are very close. And it would have been a very romantic moment complete with a kiss, had Ernst not appeared.)
Ernst: I LOVE YOU ROBERTA- oh. Fritz. Uh….Father wants to talk to you…
Fritz: I'm busy.
Ernst: Uh…he wants to rant with you about how unnecessary and stupid and good for food I would be.
Fritz: Always a good topic. Ta, Roberta! (Goes away)
Ernst: Hi, Roberta. (Drools.) Whatcha doing?
Roberta: Fritz was teaching me how to shoot a gun.
Ernst: Need me to help? (Drools)
Roberta: I got the hang of it. (Shoots a perfect bull's-eye, proving that she only asked Fritz for the romantic opportunity.) (Walks away to glomp over Fritz.)
Ernst: I upset.
(Cut to the next day.)
Father: YAY! IT HOLIDAY! Now we have a race. Roberta can ride Bob the Zebra, Fritz can ride Bob the Donkey, Francis can ride Bob the Elephant, and uh…now which animal would be impossible to win the race and make Ernst look really stupid while riding…OSTRICH! Ernst will ride Bob the Ostrich!
Ernst: (on ostrich) I hate it here.
Mother: Francis. You hurt my Bob the Elephant an we eat you along with Ernst.
Francis: (gulp) Rightly so, Mother.
Mother: Okay. Now go!
(They race. Fritz looks hot. Ernst looks stupid. Roberta goes off on her own to the beech, and sees the pirates coming.)
Roberta: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! FRITZ-Y CUTIE-SWEETIE-PIE SAVE ME! (rides Bob the Zebra back to the house.)
Everyone: Oh. We though you had gone to glomp Fritz again.
Fritz: No. (tear)
Roberta: (cries) The pirates are here an if they find me I'll get-
Tinkerbell: (appears) Don' make-a me keel you. (shakes now completely covered in blood wand.)
Roberta: I'll…uh…have to uh…marry…one of the pirates…
Tinkerbell: That's-a more like it. (disappears in a flash of fairy dust.)
Francis: OOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW! THE DEMON FAIRY GOT DEMON FAIRY DUST IN MY EYE!