Preparations for the pirate attack go less than well.

Father: TO THE SWISS FAMILY ROBINSON MOBILE!

Mother: We don't have one anymore. We had to leave it in Switzerland.

Father: Oh, crud. Okay. To the fortress we made! But first: Release the heavy wooden logs of doom!

(At his word Fritz cuts loose the ton or so of logs to fall and crash the pirates. Despite the fact that logically about ¾ of them would have been crushed/mortally wounded, about 99/100 of them keep coming.)

Pirates: Gougaboctfaudgi!

Pirate King: Now: We cross the bridge! (The pirates do so.)

Father: COLLAPSE THE BRIDGE!

(Someone does something to make the bridge collapse.)

Pirate: I'M DROWNING I'M DROWNING!!!

Other Pirate: The water's only three feet deep, moron.

Pirate: Wow. So it is. Carry on, old chaps!

(The pirates keep coming)

Father: And now, everyone's favorite part, THE COCONUT BOMBS!

Fritz, Ernst, Francis, Father, and Roberta: YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!

Mother: (to her new pet coconut bomb) I'm gonna take yo hom with me and love you and hug you and call you Bob.

Father: GODDAMMIT, WOMAN, WILL YOU CUT IT WITH THE FRICKIN' BOB ALREADY?

Everyone: (silence.) (wait for Tinkerbell to come down upon his head with full fairy wrath.)

Tinkerbell: (appears in a huge flash of angry forboding smoke) WHAT DID I HEAR YOU SAY, SWISS PUNK?

Everyone: (gulp)

(The battle continues, with Tinkerbell beating up Father in the background. Eventually the pirates lighten up as to the bombs)

Pirates: We are not wimps to be stopped by stupid coconut bombs. We climb up on fort's blind side and kill you all.

(They try to do so.)

Cannon: BOOM!

Pirate: Oh crud. Cannon is headed for my head. Crud.

Pirate's Head: Oh crud. I am smashed.

Pirates: RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (They do so.)

Roberta: (looks to Ernst.) They're running away suddenly. You must have taken off your shirt again.

Ernst: (has done so.)...Maybe…..

Fritz: Don't worry, Roberta. I look sexy enough to make everyone forget about Ernst.

Roberta: True. (glomps)

Father: That's enough. Now. Who is our wonderful savior?

Old Guy: ME!!!!

(Cut to next day.)

Old Guy: Me rich.

Roberta: Yes Granddaddy.

Old Guy: Well, I guess we'll just have to claim this island for Switzerland. By the way, Mother and Father, do you want to go on to New Guinea or go back to Switzerland?

Father: I want to stay here.

Mother: I want to go to Hollywood.

Old Guy: No. You're a horrible actress.

Mother: PUNK! YOU DO NOT GET TO CONTRADICT ME!

Father: Seriously. You do not want to. She is a psychopath.

Mother: NO I'M NOT!

Old Guy: How about you stay here?

Mother: Alright. But only because I get to be the governor of this new province, right?

Old Guy: Oh…sure…despite the fact that this movie is set in an extremely sexist time period… (To Father) Let her be the president of the island. Everyone knows they hold no real power.

Father: Quite so.

(Cut to Fritz and Roberta)

Roberta: Heh…heh…cutie Swiss boy…(drool)

Fritz: Uh… I guess you'll be going back to Switzerland with your grandfather now. By the way, do you have a fiancé or anything?

Roberta: Not here I don't.

Fritz and Roberta: (Kiss)

Ernst: HIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ROBERTA AND FRITZ I SEEEEEEE YOUUUUUU!!!!

Roberta: Don't tell me someone hasn't killed him yet…

Ernst: But not for lack of trying! (Shakes off Montparnesse, who has been trying to saw his head in half)

Montparnesse: WHY WON'T YOU DIE?!!!!

Ernst: Don't worry. Others better than you have tried and failed. By the way, why do you want to kill me?

Montparnesse: Eponine sent me.

Ernst: But Eponine is so nice in our meetings for Marian-Like-Characters-Unite…

Montparnesse: Trust me. She hates your guts. And by contact, I have come to hate you to Hades and back.

Ernst: Oh… (Shakes off Montparnesse, who pops back into Paris, 1832.) Hey Roberta, Fritz. Whatcha doing?

Roberta: I think it's a bit obvious. Go let Montparnesse kill you.

Ernst: Anything you say, my love. By the way, your granddaddy pulled some strings and got me into Alcatraz University!

Roberta: Uh…Alcatraz is a prison in California. Which won't be settled by Europeans for another two hundred years.

Ernst: Oh well. Ta! (Walks away)

Roberta: 'Alcatraz University' is slang for 'Tying to the mast as a sacrifice to Tinkerbell the first chance we get'.

Fritz: So he's gone?

Roberta: Uh…yeah.

Fritz: ALL HAIL OLD GUY! THE STUPID JERK IS DEAD!

Everyone save Ernst and Old Guy: ALL HAIL OLD GUY! THE STUPID JERK IS DEAD!

Ernst: Hey. I'm not dead yet….

Old Guy: (cries) I'd like to thank my granddaughter Roberta, who is currently over there glomping Fritz for giving me this wonderful opportunity to rid the world of another self righteous jerk, and my chia pet and…

Ernst: I'm not dead yet!

Tinkerbell: THAT'S IT! TOO MANY DEATH REFERENCES! CUT TO THE CREDITS!