Disclaimer: I don't own CATS!
Sorry it took me so long to get back to this particular story, but hey, I'm back!
And I must say, Chicago was amazing, I can't believe I've never left the South until now. I missed all the fanficky people so much, it's good to be back!
Note: I just wanted to thank Cocobutterrox and Phantom's Ange for reviewing this, yall are great.
Lyplora sits alone, huddled in a corner between an old refrigerator and some car parts, taking a long drag of catnip. She blows the smoke in a hard puff, closing her eyes as she finds she can't even look at herself.
She had been here for hours, sad and angry and alone, just wanting the pain to go away.
But of course it won't, it never does when you try to drown it or make yourself forget... Forget that on this very day, her old fiance Orangelow was hit by a car, that on this very day, she saw his innerds smeared across the street, his blood on the pavement...
She gives a small squeak as she looks up at the darkening sky, the wind chilling her fur but the joint in her paw burning her skin slightly. The smell of slightly singed fur wafts through the air with the smoke.
But it wasn't just Orangelow, although the guilt from still being sad about that is eating her up inside, it's more about all the death she had seen, her, the healer.
She killed Macavity with her own paws, without even realizing what she was doing, as she was having a flashback of her fiance dead on the pavement after seeing Misto get killed.
Of course, she was able to save Misto in the end, able to bring him back, but it was still traumatizing and emotionally scaring to see him like that.
Just holding Misto's lifeless body for those frightening moments, that would haunt her for the rest of her life. The fear she had experienced, so scared she wouldn't be able to start his heart again.
She grips her chest with one paw, the ache deep within coming from the culmination of all of these things and more. Her eyes drooping from the effects of the nip, every burden stays with her, she knows she can't escape from them. She can't escape the fact that she killed someone, however evil; that fear that still looms over her, that she'll somehow lose Misto, the loss of Orangelow-
She shakes her head at the thought, since Orangelow has been dead for two years, and she loves Misto now; but witnessing Orangelow's death was traumatic. And now that she knows she can heal, it hurts even more to know that she might have saved him, but then she wouldn't be with Misto...
She loves her life here, and wouldn't want to have done it any other way, but did that mean Orangelow had to die?
Lyplora's eyes grow wide at this realization and she quickly takes another drag at the remains of the joint in her paw, wanting to block out these thoughts, surround herself in nothingness, but reality is too strong to drown out forever.
Like the darkness slowly overtaking the land, the sun just dissapearing over the horizon, the first stars barely visible. To hide and become a part of this twilight so that no one will see her doing nip.
Full of Anger, she crushes the butt of the joint into the ground, feeling sick from it more than anything, not to mention horrified that she would actually resort to this.
She doesn't even smoke, ever, this being the first and last time; and she doesn't even find the effects pleasant.
Trying desperately to get rid of the taste in her mouth and the smoky scent all over her, she coughs and spits, the burnt taste on her tongue making her gag as she finally gives up and wipes her mouth, tears beginning to well up in the corners of her eyes.
The sky is slowly getting darker, the stars beginning to show themselves more brightly, and at the hopeful sight Lyplora dares to smile for the first time that day even as the tears fall. The cool evening air is so refreshing, it helps to clear her head as she sits and watches the stars for a few moments.
The dark sky seems to calm her anguish, replacing it with sadness and regret of what she was just doing.
Lyplora knew it was horrible, doing this to herself, but didn't care, just wanting to get it over with, and now it was done. And it was just as empty as she had expected.
The moon seems to reflect back in her teary, bright blue eyes, as she stares up at it and then looks down at herself again. There's nothing inside of her except confusion and remorse.
Slowly, she rises to her feet, knowing no amount of nip or anything else will erase these burdens. She'll have to live with them, her hurts and regrets, and this day she now can't erase... Misto, Orangelow, Macavity, catnip, death, it won't go away.
But she can live with it now, at least, face it and deal with it. Maybe she needed to be broken the way she was today, to realize this. Either way, Lyplora has one more regret, and that is wanting to numb herself and not face her problems.
She walks back home to her den, stronger now that she's knocked back straight shots of pain, and realized she doesn't need a cushion to dull the blow. She walks with strength and resolve in her eyes, through the dark junkyard, back to her love Misto, alone in the moonlight.
Please review! I sat here and wrote this even though I have a bruise the size of an orange on my outer thigh, and sitting is a pain, literally! You see all I go through for yall?