[8] {Your reviews are so lovely. I honestly think I might have the best readers ever. Anyway, I wrote this in the car yesterday because it'd been over a week (the length it usually takes me to post) and hours of driving tends to leave you with a lot of time on your hands. I hope you're still planning on sticking with me as I tell this particular story about Meredith and Derek, please review!}
Sometimes in the blink of an eye, a person's whole life can change. And this can happen more than once. When Meredith left, it was so sudden and abrupt that Derek never really believed it'd happened until she was so gone that he didn't know if he could run after her anymore. And then he stopped hearing from her for four years, stopped seeing her, stopped knowing her. No matter how many times he blinked, his life never changed back to where she was in it. And today he'd blinked, and she'd been right there. They'd both stopped moving, the seconds slowing to hours. Then he blinked again, and she wasn't there anymore, replaced by the endless crowd of medical staff that he didn't want to see.
The initial shock at seeing Meredith left Derek with what felt like a tumor pressing on his whole brain. He was a neurosurgeon; he knew what it was supposed to feel like and he knew all the symptoms a patient was supposed to have if they did have brain cancer. He wasn't stupid; he knew that there was nothing wrong with him, that a tumor couldn't magically appear that suddenly. He could very well have had a heart attack, but even though he wasn't a heart surgeon, he knew he wasn't going into cardiac arrest either.
He wanted to go after her. But the more people that crossed over the space she'd just been, the more he was unsure if she'd even been there at all.
When time resumed its normal pace and Derek couldn't take up his space by the door anymore, he continued on the bridge in the direction he'd been heading before he'd seen Meredith. Everything hurt, but he ignored it because he didn't want to hurt anymore. He subconsciously hated how easily she could trigger his emotions but he kept walking, gripping the chart so hard that his knuckles were white. His steps took him to Mark, not even realizing that the first person he'd turned to was the best friend that had been his rock for longer than he could even remember.
Mark took one look at a fast-approaching Derek and immediately handed Jackson a stack of charts. "Avery," he said calmly, turning the fifth year in the opposite direction. "Go handle my patients for five minutes. And then prep for our facial reconstruction in two hours."
"Mark," Derek muttered, slightly out of breath from his search for the plastics surgeon.
"Yeah," Mark leaned an elbow on the nurses' station, slowly figuring out all of Derek's emotions. "What's going on?"
"I saw her," he said, his voice low as Mark leaned in to hear better. "Meredith," Derek clarified at Mark's confused expression. "I saw Meredith."
"What?" Mark was in obvious disbelief, his question exclaimed so loudly that the nurses turned to hear. He gave each of them a smile, waving his hand to turn them away—everyone knew nurses liked to gossip, it was part of their qualifications. "That's not possible." He could sense that Derek was about to counter his statement and he held up a finger, interrupting him. "She said she wasn't coming back, Derek. Why would she be here now?"
"I don't know," Derek replied, frustrated as his palms smoothed back his hair, not caring that he might've just made it anything short of perfection. "I don't know," he repeated, placing his hands on his waist, glancing over at Mark who was watching him intently. "I was walking on the bridge, reading this chart," he slammed the clipboard on the counter and Mark once again waved away the nurses' prying stares. "And I looked up for some reason, and she was there. Right in front of me. Then she walked away."
"She walked away?" Mark echoed. "She walked away?"
"D*** it," Derek said, picking up his chart again. "I don't know; she was there and then she wasn't. But I swear she's here. She's in Seattle, Mark, and I don't… I don't know what to do." He drew in a quick breath, trying to steady his emotions. "How can she be here? She didn't say anything, didn't tell anyone. She's not supposed to be back. I love- she's- but—"
"Okay," Mark took a hold on his friend's shoulders, making him focus. He gave a quick look around, making sure Addison wasn't in the vicinity. He knew Derek still loved Meredith—he was the best friend, somewhere inside of him he knew that Derek would always love Meredith. But Addison was in Seattle, and Derek didn't have the time to fall apart like this. "You have surgery in half an hour, I checked the board. So you're going to go scrub in and save someone's life, and forget for a few hours that you saw Meredith."
"How am I supposed to do that?" Derek asked, the retort quick. "I swear she's here. She broke me, Mark, and I don't know how you expect me to go into surgery when I feel so broken. I was making progress. I have Addison. I thought, maybe I could love the woman who doesn't hurt me like Meredith does. But one look at her, Meredith Grey, and I'm right back to where I was. I can't do this." He turned, walking rapidly away from the nurses' station, aware that Mark was keeping up close behind. He entered an empty conference room, hitting the table with his palm while Mark closed the door behind them. "I need to push back my surgery," he said, louder now that they were away from anybody intent on listening.
"No," Mark shook his head, crossing his arms as he stood in front of the door. "No, you're not going to do that, because you can't let her hurt you like this anymore. I won't have it," he said, every word increasing in volume level, his voice loud but not quite at a yell. "It's been four d*** years Derek, and I don't care that she might be back, I'm not going to stand by and let you crawl back into your hole because it hurts so d*** much. I know it hurts, I've seen you like this and Derek, it hurts me too. You don't think I loved her? She was like my little sister. I hate that she left." He paused to let his words sink in before continuing again. "I'm your best friend, and I know you think she's the love of your life, but you can't push back your surgery. You can't let her affect you. You have to live your life and keep going despite everything that's happened, because everything's happened."
"She is the love of my life," Derek yelled. "And don't you think I want to be able to let it not affect me? It's not that easy."
"Fine," Mark yelled back. "But you're going into that surgery, and you're going to be successful. I'm going to look for her, see if she's really here."
"Fine," Derek said, walking toward the door as Mark stepped to the side to let him through. "She's here," he said, his voice level returning back to normal as he walked out, the door slamming behind him.
Meredith ended up in an on-call room, the sheets and the pillows and the bed familiar to SGMW and the nights she spent there as an intern. She locked the door, sliding to the floor before she wrapped her arms around her knees, pressing her forehead into her jeans as she took in and exhaled deep breaths. She let the oxygen calm her flustered emotional state before she pulled out her cell phone, finding Max's name.
"Hello?" The bartender picked up, the concern already in his voice. "Meredith?"
"Yeah, it's me."
"Is everything okay?"
"No," she said, her voice cracking on the single syllable, biting her lip so she wouldn't start crying. "No, it's not okay. Max, I'm not okay. I saw Derek." She closed her eyes, leaning her head back on the door. "I saw him, and I just walked away, because he didn't look happy to see me. And I thought- I thought he would be, that he'd, I don't know, but he didn't."
"Okay," Max said quickly. "Okay. Breathe. It's going to be okay, Mer. He was just… he hasn't seen you in four years."
"I know," Meredith said, her voice saying anything but that.
"Do you want me to come over there?" Max asked finally, after a few seconds of Meredith inhaling and exhaling again.
"No," Meredith shook her head in the quiet of the on-call room before pausing. "You would do that?"
"Yeah," he said, chuckling a little bit over the miles between them. "I'd do that for you." He knew she was smiling, and that relieved him. "So, are you sure you don't want me to? Because I will."
"No, I'll be okay," Meredith said somewhat firmly. "But thank you, Max. Really. I- you're too good to me."
He laughed. "I'm not. I've just grown quite fond of you, doctor."
She smiled, opening her eyes and getting to her feet. "I've grown quite fond of you too," she said honestly. "How's Zeus?"
"Fine, I think. I took him back to my place and left him there, I'm actually standing right outside the bar about to start my shift."
"Oh, okay. I should let you go then."
"Probably," he cracked a smile. "Would kind of suck if I got fired because of you."
She laughed, nodding even though he couldn't see her. "Right. Bye, Max."
"Bye, doctor. You can do this."
"I can do this."
Richard Webber looked up from his stack of paperwork when he heard a knock at the door, watching it push open slightly before Meredith walked in. "Meredith," he said, a small smile on his face as he stood up immediately, walking around his desk.
"Hi, Chief," Meredith managed a smile back, stepping forward cautiously before Richard pulled her into a hug. It almost made her cry, how readily he was willing to accept her even though she'd fled his hospital without so much as a proper goodbye.
"How are you?" He asked, motioning for her to sit while he headed back to his chair.
"Fine," she nodded.
"Good," he nodded back, smiling at her. When Ellis had passed away, she'd made him promise that he'd always look after her little girl. Fine job he'd done of doing that; Meredith had taken off across the country shortly after. "So, the heart," he finally said, when he couldn't just sit there and enjoy the fact that she was back in Seattle again.
"Yeah," another nod. "Dr. James talked to you?"
"Of course," Richard replied. "The surgery's going to be done sometime in the next two days; our cardiothoracic surgeon's just going over some last details."
"Dr. Burke?"
"No," Richard shook his head. "Dr. Altman—she's been here for about a year, from the military."
"Oh, a military surgeon," Meredith said, surprised. She thought of Cristina and the driven doctor's relationship with Preston Burke. Was he still here?
"I'll let Dr. Yang or someone else explain," Richard said, reading her thoughts.
"Yeah. Cristina," Meredith faked a smile, pained at the friendship that had deteriorated along with all the others she'd left behind. A few awkward seconds passed before Meredith quickly stood up. "Well. I should probably go and… talk over things with Dr. Altman."
"Good idea," Richard got to his feet as well, walking Meredith to the door. "We've missed you," he told her honestly as she stood beneath the doorway. "You know if you ever want to return, there's still a spot for you."
"I know," Meredith replied, trying to manage another smile although the two words told Richard that she still wasn't planning on coming home anytime soon.
She kept a low profile as she tried to locate Dr. Altman, even opting to take the stairs for fear of running into someone she knew in the elevator. She'd just made it into the cardio wing of the hospital when a familiar attention-getting cough behind her made her turn.
"You're a hard woman to track down, Grey."
"Mark!" Meredith was unable to hide her smile as she stepped into Mark's welcoming hug. For some reason, this was someone she didn't mind seeing and wasn't inclined to run from. "How are you?" She asked, pulling away.
"I've missed you," Mark pulled her back for another few seconds before holding her at arms' length. "My, you've grown," he teased.
"Very funny. Are you still a man-whore?" She teased back, making him laugh.
"Somewhat," he said sheepishly. "So, back to business. What are you doing back in Seattle? And be honest Grey, you know I can always catch you when you're lying."
"I'm… Is this for Derek?" She asked suddenly.
"He said he saw you."
"He did," she said, quiet now. "I'm here for a heart. The Chief back in New York sent me to bring back the donor heart for her patient so…"
"So here you are."
"Here I am," she affirmed.
"New York, huh?" Mark crossed his arms, studying the resident he hadn't seen in four years. "Glad to hear you haven't run from there."
"Mark," Meredith's voice took on a tone of subtle pleading.
"I'm sorry," he sighed. "Just hurts, you know? Everyone missed you."
"'Missed' or 'misses'?"
He shrugged, starting to walk and expecting her to follow. "I guess you'll have to find out. First, coffee?"
Despite the rough beginning, the day had turned out okay. She hadn't seen Mark in years but the few cups of coffee they shared had felt exactly like old times. When she was talking to him, she was almost able to imagine that she'd never left.
A talk with Dr. Altman informed Meredith that she would be bringing back a healthy heart to New York, what she was sent to Seattle to do. She didn't see Cristina anytime during her conversation with Teddy, and Meredith wondered whether her ex-best friend was still interested in cardio. How much had changed since she'd been gone? And how much could she be caught up on during the few days she would be staying here?
She hadn't seen any of the other residents either, but Meredith wasn't all too relieved to have missed an encounter with any of them. She missed them; they were her friends and they were her family. But she knew that they wouldn't be able to understand why she left because she didn't understand herself either. She told herself that the first resident she planned on seeing was Lexie, and although her relationship with her sister was probably strained because Meredith constantly dodged the phone calls and Skype sessions Lexie tried to plan, she still wanted to see the fourth year.
It was around 7pm when she decided to head back to the hotel, and after she checked in with Richard again, she walked across the bridge much more calmly than she had that morning. The elevator hummed as she stood in front of the doors, waiting for them to open because she was too worn out to take the stairs.
But maybe giving into her exhaustion had been a mistake. Derek looked up when the elevator doors opened on his way down, taking in a sharp breath to see Meredith. Although he tried to smile, sticking with Mark's order to not let seeing her affect him, the smile that he was able to form was far short of the McDreamy grin.
"Hi." Meredith said hesitantly, taking his semi-smile as a good thing. She was still standing in front of the doors, not having stepped into the elevator yet.
"Hey." Derek's voice sounded like he'd just woken up, and all Meredith wanted to do was cross the few feet between them and bury herself in his arms, waking up in his bed at the trailer, just the two of them.
But she didn't, because she didn't see how they could ever get back to that.
The doors slid shut, and when Derek's hand finally hit the "open door" button, the elevator had already begun its descent to the first floor.
Meredith steadied her breathing, avoiding any hyperventilating. Maybe she should've just taken the stairs.