CHAPTER TWO: EQUANIMITY
Carth's cumbersome footsteps echoed dully through the vacant halls of the hotel as he aimlessly wandered about, not caring where his weary feet led him. It had been a restless night spent tossing and turning as he thought about the revelations on the Leviathan. For some reason, that night and the days that followed kept replaying themselves in his mind. Sometime in the predawn hours Carth resigned from attempting sleep and settled for pacing the long corridors of the hotel. His thoughts were an array of memories from the past weeks, flashing in fragments as the moments immediately following their escape from the Leviathan replayed themselves in his mind.
"We've all seen the things she's done. Sure, most of them have been good, honest things that have really helped people. Things even you or I might not have done, but we've also seen the flip side of the coin," Carth stated quietly as he stared down the corridor that led to Revan's cabin where she retreated, "Can we really trust her?"
For the second time that evening Canderous was the first to back Revan. She had helped the entire crew in more ways than one. Even after everything she had done for Carth, he still didn't trust her? Canderous glared at him, hoping the flyboy would get his system off autopilot and look around for a change.
"Let me put it to you like this, Republic," he stopped tinkering with the armor long enough to scowl at Carth, "The way I see it, its like she has two Kath hounds constantly fighting inside of her. One's your lightside, one's your darkside, always tugging one way or the other." Canderous tore his gaze away from Carth resentfully and once again began to reassemble the armor. The way Carth became so dubious when it came to Revan rubbed Canderous the wrong way.
Carth stared at the Mandalorian, utterly confused. "But which one wins?"
Jolee sighed deeply, rubbing his temples, "Whichever one she feeds the most."
Carth still couldn't believe everything that had happened since the Leviathan; it had all been so much. He never understood how Revan had dealt with her past, but somehow she both embraced it and shunned it. Whether that was for the best, though, still remained to be seen. She wouldn't talk about it with him, even when he questioned her.
Those few days before they found the last Star Map had been hell for the both of them. Carth had felt so many feelings arise within him that he became a disarray of emotions. A fleeting feeling of betrayal, followed by a quench of his thirst for vengeance, rage at the Council and the heavy weight of guilt for feeling that Alora Lantra had deceived him by concealing an identity she never knew, had all sunk into his soul. They coursed through him, muddling his senses.
But among the medley of confusion and anger, he had felt something for Revan. A feeling so long forgotten that its memory was no more than a vague twinge. Carth's emotions perplexed further when he came to the realization of his love for Revan. A love that he couldn't justify, but understood in every aspect. He had tried with every ounce of his being to hate her, but he could never hate her. Not Revan.
Carth smiled as he found himself in front of her quarters. The blasted woman made his head spin backwards, but he wouldn't have it any other way.
Bastila paced across the small room, unconsciously counting her steps corner to corner. Wringing the sleeves of her robes she mumbled incoherently to herself, unable to decide if speaking to Revan would prove a wise course of action. Revan knew something was going on and Bastila feared that if she didn't tell her, Revan would soon find out on her own under far worse circumstances.
After their unexpected encounter with Carth on Telos, Bastila lagged behind the others long enough for a quick exchange of heated words. Carth had accused her of guarding Revan from him as if he were the darkside himself. He knew Bastila abused the bond she held with Revan to monitor her feelings for him under the Council's strict orders. Bastila declared it was for Revan's own good, but she hadn't been able to make him understand before he stormed off mumbling about manipulation.
Bastila had found herself seeking Revan's approval, mostly out of her growing respect for the woman. Revan handled everything with such strength and vivacity and had kept Bastila from adhering to a life she abhorred. But on the other hand, she felt Revan was anchoring too much to Carth. She could almost sympathize with her need, but feared Revan was becoming too dependent on Carth for equanimity, one of a Jedi's most necessary tools.
A sharp rap on the door quickly followed by a swish as it slid open interrupted her thoughts. Jolee entered the room with a whirring T3 at his heels.
"I don't have anything to say to you," Bastila declared turning away from him.
"Stop," Jolee ordered.
Bastila jerked around at the command. "Stop what?"
"Trying to keep them apart. Stop reporting everything that happens between them to the Council."
"Do you realize you're asking me to directly disobey the Council?"
"Yes."
"And," Bastila inhaled sharply, adding a shrill edge to her voice. "You know I could get cast out of the Order for that?"
"Yes," Jolee replied, smiling. He could feel the irritation flowing through her.
"Don't you think this could end horribly?" Bastila asked him incredulously, "On the Leviathan she resisted Karath's questioning at first, but when Carth nearly passed out from the pain she cracked. She was acting passionately instead of peacefully and could have jeopardized the entire mission!"
Jolee grinned coyly, "But she didn't did she?" He leaned back on his heels, crossing his arms nonchalantly, "Revan has an unusual destiny and Carth is a part of that. Regardless of what you may believe, Revan's destiny has yet to be fulfilled. The Star Forge was only one stepping stone along the way. As for Carth, we have yet to see how he will react to Revan's decision with the Council and what role he'll play.
"I thought you didn't meddle in affairs with the Council," Bastila replied pompously.
"I'm not meddling," Jolee huffed. "I'm merely rooting for the other side."
"And you think you know what decision Revan will make? She could very well agree with the Council."
"Where have you been, Bastila? Revan never agrees with anything," Jolee mused, "That's the problem with you kids these days. Never agree with anything your elders tell you and you always take the path you presume is easiest without weighing the consequences..."
Bastila threw her hands up in frustration, "Why do I even bother?" She stalked out of the room and down the hall towards Revan's quarters, leaving Jolee still rambling.
As she arrived in front of Revan's door, she could hear Carth's muffled voice resonating throughout the room.
"...but they've been trying to keep us apart, Revan! You may not see it, but take Telos for example. The second I saw you who came ushering you away? Last night, who was it that insisted you see the Council when we finally saw each other again?" Carth's eyes were fuming. "You have to see it."
"Carth, stop this," She began placidly, "If it wasn't for Bastila I wouldn't be here in the first place. Besides, she's just following her orders."
"Dammit, Revan" Carth turned away from her. He had never meant to get into this discussion with her this morning, but he couldn't help himself. Her faith in the Council irked him beyond belief, especially while he watched them manipulate her into doing their every will. Moving over to the floor-to-ceiling windows, he stared down to the streets three stories below. There were still crowds lingering in front of the hotel, but it was nothing compared to the uproar of last night. After a silent moment he spoke defeated, "I'm sick of watching them manipulate you."
Revan smiled at him earnestly. "They aren't manipulating me, Carth," she began as she walked toward him, maneuvering him so that he faced her, "The Council is doing what they think is best for me."
Carth sighed, wrapping his arms around her, "Is what they want truly best for you?"
"No," Revan answered, her lips closing on his, "What I want is what's best for me."
Grinning, Carth pressed his forehead against hers. He eased down, brushing her lips lightly. Pulling him closer, Revan deepened the kiss, relishing his nearness. He grasped her hand, following her lead into the adjoining room. Leaning her back on the bed, he once again claimed her lips for his own, planting teasing kisses at their edges. Revan ran her hands through his hair, brushing those two stubborn strands away from his eye. She followed his game, laying her own light kisses. But Carth took it one step further, slowly making his way down with a trail of tantalizing kisses along her neck, leaving her skin tingling with his touch.
Revan suddenly pulled away, mumbling. Carth looked at her, baffled.
"Bastila," she whispered and nodded toward the door. Revan could feel the sudden change within the Jedi. She'd gone from feeling ashamed to guilty to enraged in a matter of seconds. Revan could almost hear Bastila muttering the code through their bond. Straightening her tousled robes, she moved from under Carth, giving him an empathetic look and made her way towards the door.
On queue, Bastila knocked on the door twice before letting herself in. Carth sat himself up on the bed and grumbled something about vowing to plant HK outside the door with strict orders to blast anyone wanting to enter. Revan laughed quietly, silently agreeing. Turning, she met with a very perturbed Bastila staring at her with a furious glare.
"Come," Bastila ordered reaching for Revan's arm, "I need to speak to you." Bastila set a fast pace for the two of them as they exited the building and began to walk through the hotel's gardens. It was a humid morning and dew still dampened the ground, soaking the ends of their robes. Fog rolled across the horizon, casting a foreboding shadow across the landscape. The ocean seemed to yawn, stretching with the waves as it greeted the somber morning.
"Revan," Bastila paused, "I ...I'm sorry, Revan, for trying to come between you and Carth, but there's something you must understand." She paused expecting some sort of reaction, but Revan waited patiently.
"The Council feels that you may become too indulging in him. He distracts you from your meditations, and you are beginning to rely on him for your peace instead of the Code and the Force. I understand your need to be with him, but you can't just toss away the Council's teachings!"
Revan replied calmly, "I have not tossed away the Council's teachings, Bastila. I haven't been neglecting meditations. They seem to be the only peace I can find these days. With the tour and all this prancing around I've barely been able to just be."
"But you haven't been mediating, Revan, at least not on the Council's teachings. When you meditate you're thinking about him!"
Revan's brow furrowed, "As for Carth, what do you know of it Bastila? I have not seen him in a solid month. I think I at least deserve a day or two to be with him, but even that you won't allow me. Being without him is like losing my affinity with the Force. I lose my means to fight, and have nothing to defend myself with. He keeps me going, Bastila. He gives me the strength I need to move on and get past this.
"I don't know if you've noticed but every night I dream horrible, agonizing nightmares that I can't see or remember. I wake up with only a ricochet of feeling. I don't know what I dream, but I can feel it. The pain, the torment, all the suffering I've caused; it's all there, echoing inside of me." Revan fought for control of her emotions.
"Revan I-" Bastila began but was cut short.
"Don't," Revan commanded angrily, "I must go speak with the Council."
Bastila shifted her weight uncomfortably as she watched Revan disappear into the enclave. Revan's expression of her emotions worried her. When she was with Carth, Revan became oblivious to the world around her, aware of nothing but him. Anchoring to his presence, she let it overwhelm her. For a Jedi to feel that nothing mattered but them was a shortcut to the path of turmoil. Sighing, Bastila left the gardens, following Revan's path as an intense feeling of apprehension seeped into her.
Revan stood before the Council, masking her uneasiness. The conversation with Bastila stirred up emotions she would rather not have coursing through her as she spoke with them.
"Good morning, Revan," Master Vandar greeted upon her entrance.
"Good morning," she replied warmly, putting on an air of easiness.
"As you may know, Dustil Onasi, a former student of the Sith Academy on Korriban, joined the Order," Master Vrook began, cutting straight to the point. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Bastila and Jolee enter the circular room.
"Yes, I have been informed."
Carth had told her how Dustil joined, and how proud he'd felt to see Dustil follow in his footsteps of serving the Republic.
"We would like you to take him as your padawan."
Revan stared at the Council, bewildered. They want me to what?
"I...but I'm still only a padawan myself," she stammered.
"We've spoken with the Jedi Council on Coruscant and they feel that you have more than earned your title as Jedi Knight," Vandar explained.
Jedi Knight? Revan's mind was reeling, "What about the trials?"
"Defeating Malak and destroying the Star Forge were your trials. That proved well enough that you are on the path of the light," Zhar stated.
"No," Revan answered firmly. She was not going to take Carth's son as her padawan. Talk about conflict of interest. Dustil had only just begun to talk to his father. Revan seriously doubted that he was ready to accept the fact that his father was in love with the woman who indirectly caused the death of his mother and destruction of his home planet, much less eagerly agree to spend his every waking moment following her teachings.
Behind her, Jolee grinned. "I told you," he whispered, leaning toward Bastila, "Revan never agrees to anything."
Bastila turned a cold shoulder, "You just wait old man. She's not been dismissed yet."