The Hole In Her Heart by Mick
Well, Lola and I are back. This is going to be another sweet little story. It'll be a little sad, but not for long. Lots of happy times are included too and there's nothing too angsty, more like intense drama. Oh, and there is a happily ever after. A few things before we begin...
Stephenie Meyer owns all these wonderful characters. I promise she will get them all back, slightly worse for wear, at the end of my story.
Chapter 5 – Words Of Omission
I'm not sure how to go about answering all the reviews...My responses aren't recorded anywhere so I have to wonder if anyone cares if I respond or not? I respond to all my reviews on Twilighted, but everyone is able to see those reviews. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. For the record, I LOVE them, and I wouldn't mind answering them, if you guys want, I mean, I don't have to. I just don't know if you guys want me to respond? For what it is worth, I appreciate all the reviews and they make me smile. Thank you very much for each and every one of them.
"Bella, how is Tansy doing today?" Carlisle asked the question as he took the infant car seat from her hands, placing it safely on the living room floor before embracing Bella in a hug.
Bella sighed, grateful to finally be at their destination. After hugging Carlisle she turned around to take a couple of bags from Edward as they entered the Cullen house.
"She's fussy today that's for sure." Edward's voice had a light laugh to it but Bella still elbowed him playfully as Carlisle asked him 'Bella or Tansy'?
"Play nice or I'll put you in a corner!" She replied to Edward, giving him what she hoped was a stern look before turning her body to face Carlisle. "She is fussy today. She cried the entire way here and only just settled down in the driveway when she saw Edward's face." Bella managed to avoid looking at Edward's smirk as she admitted to the words he had spoken.
Over the past few weeks, Edward had taken his family's warning to heart, treading slowly and carefully where Bella was concerned. He never intruded fully into her life, preferring instead to hang out in the background, and just being there for her when needed. It seemed to be working as he anticipated when she might need help, knowing that Bella would never come right out and ask for it.
He had spoken more to Alice and Jasper, convinced that if he asked Bella directly he would receive the standard 'I'm fine' from her. He could depend on Alice and Jasper more for the honest details, which was how he found out that Bella would be arriving at his parent's house today to start drawing in the room and decided to be there by coincidence to help.
"She has another appointment in two more weeks. If she remains healthy between now and then, it's possible they could do the heart surgery as early as June. It would be so much easier if she would just keep food down and her weight up." Glancing at her now quiet daughter, Bella walked silently into the kitchen to get herself a glass of water and calm down before settling in.
Alice jumped up from the stool she was sitting on next to Jasper. "Bella's finally here!"
Bella opened her arms to her friend and was rewarded with a warm embrace. As she took in the scene before her she couldn't help but comment on it.
"Wow, full house huh?" Looking around at the table loaded with food she took note of everyone's presence. She noticed that Rose and Emmett were still even in their pajamas, casually eating and talking.
"Help yourself Bella." Esme stood making her way to a cabinet before pulling out a plate and handing it to Bella.
"Thanks Esme, but I really should go get…" Bella's words fell silent as she looked at Edward walking into the kitchen carrying her daughter; her heart melted. She had seen Edward hold Tansy before, but it never ceased to amaze her how comfortable he was doing it, and moreover, her daughter's seemingly easy acceptance of Edward's arms. She smiled as he moved the baby up to his shoulder before sitting down in a chair Emmett had pulled up next to the table.
"Problem solved. Now eat will you? We made plenty." Esme handed her a cup of coffee and nodded toward an empty seat at the table. Obliging her, Bella quickly found herself hungry for more than just the quick granola bar she eaten when she had left her house.
Talk centered on the work that Esme wanted done in the new nursery. Bella was pleased to hear that the window went in without complications and that she could start her work.
She was grateful too, for everyone's input as they spoke about the room. She nodded and smiled at their suggestions but silently she hoped that no one would be upset if she didn't use their ideas.
She knew that she was becoming close with Esme's family but she also knew how much it would hurt if they were to pull away from her, which she fully expected them to do. As she crunched into a slice of bacon she retreated into her own little world. After what she guessed was a few minutes, she looked up and saw everyone staring at her, as if waiting for a response to a question she didn't hear.
"Sorry. What was the question?" Bella took a minute to hide her face behind a coffee cup, glancing around to see who would ask it again.
"You really are in your own world aren't you?" Rose reached over patting her gently on the shoulder while glancing at her sympathetically.
That was when Bella noticed that the room had cleared some. While Jasper remained at the table, she noticed that Alice was gone, and that Edward's arms were now empty, leaving her to figure out that Alice must be changing her somewhere in another room. Bella tried to blink away the confusion while trying to think of the last topic.
"There was no question. We were just mentioning that since the weather is so warm, we might just skip out of the workday and go play at the zoo." Esme smiled brightly at her.
"Oh. Well, I guess I could put off the sketches and start maybe tomorrow instead if that will be better for you?" Bella tried not to let her disappointment show through, but realizing that she had made the trip all the way into the city for nothing left her slightly miffed. Why couldn't they have told her that before she packed up her stuff and hauled Tansy all the way out here?
"If it's okay with you, I'd like to just leave my supplies here in the room. There's really no point to hauling them back home. Will you be there all day? I can come back and work on it later if you'd like."
"What do you mean dear?" Esme's brow furrowed in confusion. "We will be there all day. It's a beautiful day Bella, we shouldn't waste it indoors. And by 'we' I am including you and Tansy. Believe me, I am as anxious as you are to start this project, but it's a rare treat when we are all able to take time off together. Jasper can work from anywhere and Edward just needs to call Ben. Even Carlisle is able to take a break today."
"The zoo? Today?" Bella repeated Esme's words while trying to let them sink in. "Tansy's been really fussy this morning. I'm not sure that she'll tolerate another car trip right now." Bella's nerves frayed just thinking of the screaming infant inside a confined space.
"Bella, Alice just went to go feed her for you so she should be able to take a nap on the way there. Plus, we're going to the one in the suburbs so it will be closer for you to go home afterward. If you want, Tansy can ride with us, no big deal." Jasper's smooth explanation left Bella looking for another loop hole.
Glancing around, she noticed the remaining Cullen's staring at her as if daring her to come up with another excuse so they could shoot it down.
"You guys do realize that none of the babies will actually get anything out of this right? I mean, they might when they're older but right now it'll just be us walking around a park filled with animals." Bella was on the verge of caving and began wondering if she was trying to convince them or herself.
"I know! It'll be so nice. We had such a good time at your house just going for a walk. Let's face it, I love the city, but we never really did that when our kids were growing up. I never knew that a walk could be so calming." Esme's face became a soft expression of contentment complete with a beautiful smile. "Besides, Carlisle and I just bought a membership there so we want to break it in."
"I guess we can go. I just need to make sure I have everything I need in the diaper bag. Can you excuse me for a moment?" Bella scooted off the chair and went in search of Alice, who she found in the family room repacking the diaper bag.
"Bella, it'll be so fun! I am so happy you caved. Why don't you and Tansy ride with Jasper and I? That way neither of us has to pay for parking." Alice's words came out in their usual bubbly effervescence and Bella could only smile at her friend as she watched her take care of her daughter like she was her very own.
"That's fine Alice. Hey, thanks for watching her. I was in my own little world back there. I never even heard her fussing." Bella crossed her arms, trying to stop the need to go take her daughter in her arms. Realizing that she needed a break was the hardest thing for her to admit. It felt wrong to her, as if she was pushing her responsibilities off on someone else. Deeper down, Bella knew the real reason. It made her feel like Jacob; like she was putting her own needs above that of her daughter. Even though it was only Alice, Bella still had a hard time letting go.
"Oh, she wasn't fussing. Edward suggested that if we were going to try for a fieldtrip that we should maybe feed her and she would fall asleep in the car. I figured even if she spits up a little, at least she had something in her." Alice said the last sentence with a smile and in a cutesy voice as she stared at Tansy in front of her on the floor. Bella couldn't help but laugh as her daughter smiled making a grab for her Auntie Alice's short, spiky hair, always out of reach of her tiny hands; where when Bella did that, her long hair was easily within reach and would always occupy her daughter.
"That's a smart idea actually. Did I pack enough for today do you think?" Bella crossed the room to peek into the diaper bag.
"You packed plenty. Besides, Rose and Emmett will have plenty of baby stuff, we'll be fine. Her sling is in there too so you won't have to hold her the entire time." Alice stood and picked up the baby. "Just grab the bag Bella, I've got her." Alice said, leaving the room and a confused Bella behind her.
Walking back into the kitchen, Bella noticed a flurry of activity going on around her. Esme was loading up the dishwasher as Rose finished up feeding one of the twins. Emmett came hopping in on one foot as he pulled his jeans up over his boxers, laughing a quick apology when he saw Bella blush and turn away quickly. Bella left and in the dining room came across Alice who was playing an intense game of peekaboo with Tansy as Jasper stood nearby. He held a phone between his shoulder and ear as he skillfully balanced a laptop with one hand while typing on it with the other. Bella caught on that this was indeed a last minute trip as everyone tied up loose ends of work before beginning what was to be a day of fun.
Bella made her way to the front door, feeling prickly and closed in with all the people around. Needing the calm that the outdoors always offered her, she broke away from all the commotion, deciding instead to wait on the front porch for the others. She went to her car and grabbed a few toys from the back seat for Tansy to play with in whichever car they would be going in, straightening up as she heard a voice in the driveway behind her.
She hadn't notice Edward at first. He was walking around silently through all the cars in the driveway with his phone to his ear. When Bella did notice him, he was nodding and weaving his way around all the cars with no particular pattern that she could pick out. She laughed as she saw him stop beside one immaculate pick-up truck and using the edge of his t-shirt swipe at it to remove some invisible stain.
Bella began walking toward the porch again as Jasper and Alice emerged from the house. Noticing that Alice was carrying the diaper bag and Jasper carried the car seat holding her daughter did nothing to ease Bella's guilt. She felt guiltier now that she realized she was foisting off her parenting duties on someone else besides Alice. She made a reach for the car seat with the hand not holding toys, but Jasper just smiled, lifting it easily above his head and out of her reach. Panicking, Bella looked at him, her eyes wide before realizing that he held it securely with both hands out of her reach and that her daughter was never in any danger. She relaxed allowing Alice to pull her away slightly as Jasper kept walking toward his car.
"What Alice?" Bella asked, preparing to fall into step with Jasper as he lowered her daughter and held the carrier with one hand as he dug into his pocket for his keys with the other. She immediately stopped walking, standing next to Alice as they watched Jasper continue toward his car.
"Meow! What I wouldn't give to be those keys and be in that pocket!" Alice's voice at Bella's side made her jump. When she finally deciphered Alice's words, she looked incredulous at her friend.
"Oh my gosh Alice! Tell me you didn't just say that out loud?" Groaning, Bella began to walk before Alice reached out again and stopped her.
"Well, look at him Bella. Doesn't he make your toes curl?" Alice's eyes became bright as she was sucked into an intent stare at Jasper's butt as he was leaning into the backseat to buckle Tansy in.
"Um, no! Get a grip Alice. Have things between you two gotten that serious?" Bella felt bad for not taking more time to talk to Alice about their friendship and having everything center around Tansy. She never thought, before this moment, to question Alice how things were going with Jasper.
"Yeah, but it's so fast. We both realize that though. We are trying to be careful and not rush into things, but geez Bella, I think about him all the time! Even when I am with Tansy." Alice pulled desperately onto Bella's shirt. "Sometimes I have her with us and I imagine that she's our child, I mean, these are serious daydreams Bells." Her voice almost seemed panicked.
"Wow. Well, he is really good with his niece and nephew. Tansy seems to tolerate him too. I mean, I don't know him all that well yet, but he seems like a decent person. I doubt Esme would raise a slacker."
"No, he's a consultant for an architecture company and does really well from what I can see, but it isn't about money. You know the only reason he is still living here with his parents is because Edward and Emmett were both gone. You see how Esme is when she has her family around her. Jasper would do anything for his parents." Alice stepped slowly toward the car keeping her voice quiet, not wanting Edward or Jasper to hear them talking.
"That's obvious Alice. He seems really sweet. Are you sure though? I mean, short and spastic teaming up with tall and tranquil?" Bella regretted the words as she said them and covered her mouth, mumbling a pathetic apology.
"No, you're absolutely right Bells. It makes no sense at all. But then again, neither did you and Jacob right? But at least I kept my true feelings about him away from you. I want your honest opinion of him Bella. I only kept my mouth shut about what an ass Jake was because you were so smitten. I am not like you though. I couldn't make you see the truth about Jake but I do need you to tell me the truth about Jasper." Alice's eyes shined with unshed tears as she fumbled in her purse for her sunglasses.
"Alice, I am so sorry." Bella's apology became more sincere as she began realizing once again how much Alice meant to her and how much Jasper obviously meant to Alice. "Jasper is really perfect. He balances you out completely and you two complement each other really well. Just promise me you will take things slow. I mean, I think two of us walking around with broken hearts is plenty, don't you?" Bella tried to make a joke and Alice caught on.
"Aww, honey." Alice began hugging Bella enthusiastically, obviously moving on from the topic of Jasper. "That's the thing about broken hearts. They can always be fixed. After we get Tansy's fixed, then we'll get to work on yours okay?" Linking her arm through Bella's she pulled her toward the car where Jasper stood with his hands on his hips.
"I give up. I put it in there okay but I'm not sure what to do next? What did people do before car seats?" Jasper shook his head, not really expecting an answer.
"Here Jasper, I got it." Bella said, handing him the toys she still held in her hands. She crouched down and bent forward into the back seat of his car to show him how. "First you need to face them backward. Then the buckle goes around the whole seat like this. I swear she has radar and knows when we are going in a car." Bella fixed the seat and adjusted it properly, murmuring to Tansy the entire time to try to quiet her small whimpers that were just starting.
As Bella stood herself upright, she reached for the toys, taking them from Jasper's hands and quickly reaching back in the car to hand one to Tansy. The baby took it halfheartedly, not sure whether she wanted to play, or just throw down and have a full-on cry about being buckled into a car. To Bella's torment, she opted for the full-on cry. Looking apologetically at Jasper and Alice, Bella closed the car door, effectively muffling the cries.
"Lovely." She said sarcastically. "Sorry you two. Are you sure you're up for this?" Bella asked, eyeing them doubtfully.
"We're fine Bella, just get in." Jasper replied, reopening the door and laughing as the sound of Tansy's cries increased exponentially.
As they sat in the driveway waiting for Esme's SUV to fill up with the rest of the family Bella leaned toward her daughter, trying to quiet her. She jumped as she noticed Edward tapping on Jasper's window, not having seen him even walk up to the car.
"Got room for a stowaway? There's six of them and the baby gear takes up the extra seat." Edward looked for sympathy at Bella as she snorted from the back seat of the car.
"If you don't mind the noise level, sure." Jasper said, clicking the lock to allow Edward to get in.
Over the cries, Bella heard Edward's 'excellent' as Jasper began rolling up his window. She watched as Edward walked around to get in the car, sitting behind Alice.
"Sorry Edward. I didn't plan on any of this today." Bella almost had to yell the words to be heard. She had no idea what she was apologizing for or why. None of this was her fault, and yet her desire to please shined through as she thought again, of everyone except herself.
"Silly girl." Edward said just as loudly, reaching over to yank on a chunk of Bella's hair playfully. "It's my family's doing, why should you apologize? It was my mother who decided at the last minute to have everyone go out. We never used to be like this. We haven't really gone out like this in years. Only since Emmett came back with the twins did she really start wanting to do this whole family field-trip thing again."
"Well, there's that and the fact that Mother's Day is coming up too. None of us ever tell her no as it is, but it gets much worse around Mother's Day." Jasper all but yelled the words as he turned the key in the ignition to start the car.
As they began driving, Bella became more aware of Edward sitting in the backseat with her. His tall frame was folded neatly next to the car seat and although he gave no indication that he was squished, Bella scooted closer to her door tugging slightly on the seat to give him more room. Looking over at her, he smirked.
"I promise I won't bite her Bella. I swear it." Edward tugged back on the seat, pulling it closer to him. The movement caused Tansy to halt her cries for a moment and open her eyes. She let out a whimper that ended as a hiccup as she stared at Edward.
"I was just trying to give you more room." Bella said as she turned quickly from his face and busied herself with the glare that Alice threw her from the front seat.
"See? She likes me." With that Edward began talking absolute nonsense to the baby between them. Soon enough the cries subsided completely and were turned into soft laughs and giggles as the rich sound of Edward's voice caused Tansy, and in turn, Bella, to relax. She felt so much better that as Tansy gripped her finger tightly; she turned her head to lean it on the cool glass and closed her eyes.
She wasn't sure when exactly she fell asleep, she remembered Jasper signaling a turn and she briefly remembered entering the expressway but all she could clearly recall was Edward's soft voice and her daughter's even softer laugh. The next thing she knew she was being jarred awake as Edward shook her gently. Bella looked around, panicking as she noticed the empty car seat and still out of it from her nap.
"She's already with Alice. Come on sleepyhead, we let you sleep as long as possible." Edward said, answering her unspoken question as he reached over to unbuckle her seatbelt.
"Wow." Bella looked around at everyone as she stepped from the car. "Sorry for keeping everyone. I'm tempted to tell you all to go on ahead and I'll pay Jasper to drive me around like that. Best nap I've had in years!" Bella joined in as everyone shared a laugh.
"Okay, everyone have their buddy? I want us to stay together as much as possible but always keep at least your buddy with you." Esme's voice surprised Bella but she just smiled at the woman's words and then snickered with everyone else as Edward commented on her maternal voice.
"What are we five?" Edward asked as he and Emmett leaned toward each other snickering. He then followed with a quick 'owww' as Esme pinched his ear and replied that he was never too old to be put in a time out.
Glancing around, Bella saw that everyone had a 'buddy' except her…and Edward. Emmett and Rose hovered over the twins in the stroller. Alice leaned toward Jasper, with Tansy snug in her sling around her. Carlisle and Esme couldn't stand any closer together without being on top one another.
"Sorry Edward, looks like you drew the short straw. You're stuck with me like it or not." Bella, knowing that she made Edward nervous, and yet not knowing exactly why, tried to make a joke of it. As everyone began walking forward, she fell into an easy step behind their large group.
Once again, Bella was amazed at how comfortable she felt among the Cullens. Their easy acceptance of her and her little family had her questioning all she had known growing up with Renee. She found herself wondering what it would have been like growing up with Esme as a mother instead of Renee. She was pretty sure Esme had never burned a meal and then insisted that the burnt parts were more nutritious and that they would be burning more things in the future on purpose just so they could get healthier.
She would bet money on the fact that Jasper, Edward and Emmett never went to school with a paper unsigned or not having money for a fieldtrip because Esme thought it wasn't 'educational' enough. Bella thought back to her elementary school days and remembered that it took her until 6th grade to realize that she was better off just signing things herself, with Renee's name of course. She saw no point in bothering Renee with little details that were sure to be scorned at, depending on her mother's mood. Instead of getting herself upset, as she normally would at her childhood memories, she strengthened her inner resolve to give Tansy a better upbringing. More like Esme and less like Renee.
As they walked, Bella became lost in her little make believe world. She was aware of people talking and assumed that if anyone asked her a question she answered it appropriately. She realized that she shouldn't have chastised Alice for her little daydreams about Jasper when she was just as guilty of duplicating those same daydreams. Sure, it was a different Cullen, but it was the same daydream. She felt hideous for her earlier treatment of Alice and made a mental note to talk to her one on one later that night about her relationship.
It took Alice hopping up and down, handing off Tansy to her and bolting for the bathroom that Bella snapped out of her trance. She looked around and realized that they had walked half the zoo yet she hadn't seen a single animal. Now, holding her daughter awkwardly and blinking away her daydream haze, she spoke to their group.
"All she had to do was say so." Bella turned away, searching for an animal or something nearby to look at, coming up empty. She saw a restaurant with a pretty fountain and beyond that a huge open space that was at the center of the zoo. The building had no animals in front of it, so Bella didn't know where to turn.
"She did say so actually. About ten minutes ago. You are really in your own world Bella. Anything you want to talk about?" Edward came up behind her, having taken the sling and diaper bag from Jasper.
"I apologize. I keep losing myself in my thoughts. Edward, would you mind holding her while I put the sling on?" Bella took the sling from Edward as he carefully took the baby from her. She soon adjusted it to her own small height, not much different from Alice's and Edward opened the pouch and easily slid Tansy into the material.
"And you stay there until we say it's time to come out young lady." Edward said the words in a mocking voice while shaking his finger, causing Tansy and Bella both to laugh at him.
"Not a very effective punishment if they're laughing at you Edward." Emmett came up behind his twin and rubbed his head playfully.
"Not a punishment at all if I get to carry my daughter. I don't think anyone could consider carrying a baby as punishment." Bella thought on her own words before she realized that she could easily come up with two people. "Well, almost anyone."
Edward gave her a quizzical look as he stared at her. Shaking her head, she indicated toward Alice, now walking toward them and mouthed the words 'later' to him.
"Alice, I'm sorry. I was spacing out." Bella said as her friend joined the group again.
"That's alright Bella, we all get lost in our own little dreams now and then don't we?" She said the words sweetly, reminding Bella of her comments that morning in the driveway.
"We do. Point taken." Bella turned noticing that the Cullen's were making their way into the building and questioned Edward, having no idea what was going on anymore.
"Dolphin show. All you have to do is sit and watch. You really are in your own world. Bella, come on, what's wrong?" Edward brushed a stray hair from Bella's face and looked her straight in the eye.
She would have loved to pull him aside and tell him all the wonderful things that she thought he was. How good-looking, how everyone stared at them together. She wanted to tell him, but she scarcely admitted it to herself, so she knew there was no way to tell him, that she loved how he could easily calm Tansy down and make her laugh. She loved that he looked out for her and took his time with her, just staying in the wings and being her friend above everything else. Never putting any pressure on her and just supporting her. Instead, she chickened out…and lied.
"I'm just worried about how things will go with Tansy in the future. I keep looking ahead to years from now and then realize that I have to get her through these next few months first. I've just got a lot on my mind." Bella climbed the bleacher seats carefully as she spoke, reaching out to take Edward's arm when she needed to hop over a seat. She sat down directly behind Esme and Carlisle sandwiching herself in between Jasper and Edward, who was still carrying the diaper bag and stashed it by their feet.
"Bella, did Dr. Smith give you any idea of what the surgery will involve?" Esme turned and asked her gently, fanning herself with a map of the zoo in the warm climate. It seemed to Bella that everyone gathered closer, not crowding, but close enough that they would all overhear.
"Oh sure, it's easy. All they have to do is stop her heartbeat and place a patch on the hole, then restart her heart and voila, it'll be good as new." Bella's casual assessment fooled no one, least of all herself.
"But it's not really that easy is it?" Jasper reached over to put his arm around Alice's shoulder to draw her in closer as she started to tremble. There was no doubt in Bella's mind that Alice filled Jasper in on everything.
"No, of course it's not. But I'm trying to convince myself it is. She's already had a few episodes of heart failure. Each time she does, some of the heart muscles become damaged. Of course, no one can predict how much more damage it can take before it gives out completely. But the medications she is on help. They make her pretty sleepy, not to mention that they cost an arm and a leg even with the crappy insurance." Bella took a deep breath needing to calm herself down, not wanting to break out into an all-out tirade. "No Jasper. It's not going to be easy. But hey, she's got me, and Alice. And our neighbors, and Seth and the other guys at the bar. We may not have any family left, but we make up for it with friends in spades." Smiling, she reached over and accepted Alice's hug as she switched seats with Jasper to sit closer to Bella. It was awkward in the narrow rows of seats, and even more awkward as Bella was holding Tansy in front of her in the sling.
"Well, if you need any medical advice, you know where to find me. And if you can't find me, you can probably throw some ideas around Edward. I'm sure he's remembered a bit of his training." Carlisle put his arm around his wife's shoulder turning to face forward as the show began to start.
Giving Edward a puzzling look, she smirked as he threw her own words back at her. "Later." He mouthed as he began clapping in rhythm with everyone else, indicating that the show was starting.
After the show, the group began walking again. Alice was perched on Jasper's back as they walked beside Bella.
"What time is your appointment on Monday?" Alice asked as she lay her head down on Jasper's shoulder and looked sideways at Bella. Of course, with Jasper being so tall, Bella now had to look up at Alice to talk to her.
"Tansy's appointment is at nine o'clock." Bella blinked several times as she looked at Alice and pretended the sun was in her eyes. Looking away, she hoped her friend wouldn't call her on it. She did.
"I thought you said it was eleven o'clock, I was sure that's what was written on the calendar at home." Alice's voice was accusing.
"No. It's nine o'clock. I'm sure of it." Bella pretended to be interested in a sign for the pinniped exhibit and strolled over to read it.
"Liar!" Alice's voice hissed in Bella's ear, causing the tears in Bella's eyes to fall. They glanced around; making sure no one was around them.
"What would you have me do then Alice? Beg? Rob a bank? Sell the house and live in a rat infested apartment? It's the only way." Bella blinked, still trying to pretend it was the sun in her eyes.
"I just think you're rushing into it. Ask Esme for an advance on the nursery job. I've got some savings. As long as you have the insurance for six more months, please don't do this Bella." Alice pleaded with her friend as she peeked into the sling in front of her. "Do this for her Bella. Do you really want to put her on public assistance?"
"Do I really have a choice? Listen, the caseworker I spoke with said I should just apply for assistance. There's no guarantee I'll actually get help but I at least need to try. Alice, the co-pays for all the medication alone are just too high." Bella's arms were intertwined underneath the cloth of the carrier as she held her daughter and moved her hand under the baby's head, stroking it softly.
"And you really aren't going to ask Jake? I mean, for anything? I'm all for kicking him in the balls the next time I see him, but this is his responsibility too." Alice looped her arm through the crook of Bella's tugging at her lightly to pull her away from the sign.
"No! I can't. Look, even if I could find him, he's made it clear enough that he wants nothing to do with me. That part is fine. I've accepted knowing that I wasn't really good enough for him. The part that hurts is that Tansy isn't good enough for him either.
Look, Charlie did the best he could. He was a great father, as much as he could be for what Renee gave him to work with. I only hope that when Tansy gets to be my age, she realizes that Jake may not be much of a father, but he is her biological father and he dealt with her situation the only way he knew how." Bella slowed her steps as Alice began waving the rest to the group on ahead toward the path of the big cat exhibit.
"By leaving you both? That's how he dealt with it Bella. He left you. He's not dealing with it, he's running from it." Alice shook her head, disbelieving the fact that Bella held no hatred for Jacob, but just accepted it for what she thought it was.
Where Alice clearly thought Jake should be beaten for his desertion of his wife and sick child, she knew Bella thought of it simply as they weren't good enough for him.
"We all deal with things in our own way. I've broken down to you plenty of times Al. If this is how he's able to handle it, I can't make him see he's wrong. Given the same luxury, I might make the same choice." Bella stopped and pulled Alice to face her. "Alice, if right now, you were to say you would take Tansy for the next few months, get her through surgery and once she is healthy I'd be back to pick her up, I'm not so sure I would refuse that offer."
"The difference is you would come back for her Bella. Jacob. Is. Not. Coming. Back. Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?" Alice did her best to soften the blow of her words.
"Not for me, no. I know that Alice and I am okay with that, seriously. But he will come back for Tansy. How could he not? He can't leave her forever. No one can do that." Bella smiled slightly, trying to get herself to believe her own words.
"You're wrong Bella. That's exactly what my parents did. They left and never looked back." Alice's words hit Bella like a bucket of cold water and as she watched the tears fall down her friend's cheeks, she felt like she was punched in the stomach.
In the years that she had known Alice Brandon she had always made it seem as though it didn't matter, thereby giving Bella carte blanche to think it right along with her. After Bella had Tansy, she had no reason to believe that Alice would change her mind. She had no idea that her best friend identified so closely with her daughter. The idea that she never considered Alice's true feelings sickened her. And watching the tears fall down her face, knowing she made her best friend cry with her own ignorance, made the tears fall down her own face as well.
"Alice, I'm so sorry I never made that connection before. I mean, I didn't realize it before. No wonder you are so good with her. I'm so sorry Alice." Bella's own tears dripped freely down her cheeks as the two of them stood there embracing in the middle of the woodchip covered path until Jasper and Edward pulled the gently apart.
"Come on Alice. Let's go look at the minx's." Jasper's arm around Alice's shoulder left her with no room for negotiation as the women separated and now each clung to someone else.
"Bella? Want to talk about it?" Edward, mindful of Tansy's position in front of Bella held her gently and rubbed her shoulders softly.
"No." Bella answered his question with both spoken words and a definitive shake of her head before continuing on. "I feel sick. I never realized just how much Alice identifies with Tansy. I always knew she saw a little of herself in Tansy, but I never realized how much she identified with the position that Tansy is in." Bella began to tremble and Edward pulled her toward a bench, sitting down on it before pulling her and Tansy onto his lap.
"That's got to be rough. Poor Alice must be feeling pretty bad right now. She never knew her parents?" Edward rubbed Bella's back as they spoke.
"No. Or, if she did, she never mentioned them to me. I'm a horrible friend Edward. Everything and everyone I touch turns South. I'm so tired of all this emotional baggage. At what point do people finally break? Snap? Give In? Surrender? At what point do you say, I've had it and I don't want to do this anymore?" Bella wasn't really expecting an answer but Edward gave her one anyway.
"You don't get that choice when you have children Bella. You have to be there for them, not yourself." Edward chuckled at Bella's expression. "Keep in mind, I am only going by talks I've had with Emmett, I have no actual basis for comparison. But he's talked to me quite a bit about it. It's not just you, as a parent of a sick child. Just so you know, you're nothing special when it comes to feeling tired and drained. My brother has felt that, and both his kids are healthy. You don't get sole ownership over those feelings.
"All parents feel an overwhelming need to protect and keep watch over their children all day, every day. He's admitted that he's tired and can be a grouch. I've seen him and Rose both snap at each other and I've seen my parents retreat when it gets really bad. But you never give up that feeling of need to protect them from everything and everyone. My own parents still protect us from things they think we can't handle. From what I understand, that feeling doesn't go away, no matter how healthy or sick your children are."
Bella had no words of retaliation. She sat quietly in Edward's arms while he comforted her and she in turn comforted her daughter. There was no need for words as she let his hand wander in slow circles on her back. She smiled, staring at the magnificent creature she held and when she was done with the emotional breakdown she looked up to see Alice and Jasper standing in front of them again, with the rest of the family no too far off.
"We good here?" Alice seemed to have completely recovered from her little show of emotion and stood, hands on hips waiting for Bella to finish hers.
"We're good." Bella blinked a few times to let Alice's words sink in. Laughing she stood and flung her arms around her. If Alice was done with their argument, Bella wasn't about to upset her again. They continued walking side by side for a bit, neither one saying but both of them wondering. Bella had a notion that if she were to ask, Alice herself couldn't even identify the trigger that set both of them off and caused their fight.
"So Bella, maybe Tuesday then you can come and start on the room then?" Reaching around Bella's shoulder to pull her into a hug, Esme Cullen pulled Bella away from Edward and Alice.
"Tuesday sounds good Esme, I'll be there." Bella's reply came with a shy glance at Edward and she inwardly wondered why she felt it necessary to say the words so loudly when Esme was now right next to her.