It was a few hours into the night cycle when Tali finally pulled away from the screen and flexed her fingers; she had been working for hours now and they'd gone stiff in the cold air. She checked over her shoulder to see where the others were, and realized that Donnelly and Adams had already packed up, leaving just her and Gabby. She saved the repair data she had spent most of her day on and powered down the console, then picked up her omnitool off the desktop.
"On your way out miss?" Gabby asked, looking up at her with a kind smile. Tali nodded, as she fixed the bracelet around her wrist.
"I've had enough for today, I think."
"Enjoy the rest of your day, then."
"I will," she paused, then added with a grumble, "whatever's left of it anyway." Gabby's laugh echoed softly behind her as she left the room to pause in the hallway, her gaze floating absently over to the cargo hold as she tried to figure out what to do. She hadn't had much free time lately, mostly because she tried to avoid it as much as possible to keep disparaging thoughts out of her mind. She'd been on this emotional rollercoaster for nearly three days now, and the side effects were just starting to settle in. She supposed she could go find someone to talk to, but she wasn't quite in the mood for socializing at the moment, and all the chores she used to do had been taken over by Traynor. Well, all except for tidying up the mess Shepard always left in the loft, but she'd already done that this morning. Going back to her own quarters was out of the question, as she'd spent too much time brooding in there and it didn't feel comfortable anymore. She entertained the thought of visiting the observation decks; Kaidan had taken over the starboard one, but perhaps the lounge would be empty at this hour. She had always loved staring out at the stars as a child, and even now they gave her a sense of peace that was hard to find these days.
She made her way to the crew deck, and managed to not run into anyone, to her relief. She considered knocking on the door beforehand, but decided against it and opened it without another thought. She regretted her decision immediately as she recognized both Shepard and Liara sitting on the couches across from each other; the former seemed rather concerned and the latter looked like she was ready to break down any moment now. At first, she didn't understand why Liara was losing her composure like this, until she suddenly remembered her conversation with Shepard the night before and remembered where they were heading tomorrow. She winced internally; no wonder the poor woman was a mess.
They both looked up at her as she stood in the doorway, her body language conveying her embarrassment. "I'm sorry," Tali started, beginning to backpedal, "I didn't know anyone was here, I'll just -" She stopped when Shepard shook his head lightly, then gestured for her to come closer. Liara's eyes had flickered away to focus on the bottom of the mug she was cradling on her hands, so she took that as approval to enter. Still, she was hesitant as she walked over to them, gingerly sitting beside Shepard. Liara looked up again and gave her a weak smile, then took a sip from what must have been tea. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."
"Not at all, we were just talking about tomorrow's mission," Shepard said, leaning back into the cushions and relaxing slightly. She glanced at Liara, whose thoughts seemed to be a mile away.
"I'm sorry about Thessia," Tali said softly, pressing her hand against Liara's arm.
The asari shook her head. "I'm not sure what it's going to be like. Whether everything's..." she trailed off, taking in a deep breath, and Tali's heart went out to her. All of her friends were losing their homes, and here she was the odd one out, the one who had something to come back to still.
"We'll take it back." Shepard said, giving Liara a comforting look. She nodded absently in reply, not quite believing.
After a moment, Liara looked at Tali over the rim of her mug. "Are you coming with us tomorrow?"
Tali shook her head. "Javik is, I think." Liara's nose crinkled distastefully at that, and she fought the urge to laugh, despite the grim atmosphere.
"We'll need the extra biotics," Shepard added, resting his hand on Tali's knee. "Reports aren't... looking good."
Liara stilled at this. "What exactly did the asari councillor tell you?"
He shrugged. "All I know is that we're picking up an artifact at a temple, Athame, I think she called it. The councillor was vague."
Liara hummed in curiosity, and Tali took the moment to look at Shepard, her head tilted in a question. How are you?,she asked silently, and he replied with a half-hearted quirk of his mouth. Alive, was his response. She patted his hand lightly, then pulled away when she noticed Liara was watching them. If she wasn't wearing the mask she might have given the asari a sheepish smile in way of apology, but had to settle with lowering her head slightly.
"There's nothing of real value there, if I remember right," Liara said, pretending like she hadn't seen the moment between them. "Just ancient asari relics. So why..." she trailed off, getting lost in her own thoughts again.
"Well," Shepard said with a contemplative nod, "whatever it is, I'm sure she wouldn't send us there for no reason."
Silence hung over them for a moment, as Shepard and Tali watched Liara carefully. Eventually, she spoke again in a rather soft voice. "Did Kaidan speak with you already?"
Shepard quirked a brow, somewhat surprised. "He did. You shouldn't worry about it."
"I am though." She sighed and her lips twisted into a small frown. "He has a point, I might not be in the best condition to go on a mission right now, and I don't want to endanger -"
He cut her off with a gesture of his hand. "Just stay focused, and it'll be fine."
"But -"
"You'll be fine."
After a moment, she nodded. "I'm sorry, it's just... Thessia is my home," she finished weakly.
"I know." Shepard's voice was gentle. "You need to be there, I get that. And soon, we'll take it back."
"You're right. If anyone can do this, it's you." The edge in her voice was not lost on Tali, who regarded her carefully; Liara was a creature of subtlety, after all, and her motives were hidden in the details. The tone of her voice was the same one she used when talking about their commander on the original Normandy, the one that was a cocktail of admiration, smugness, and infatuation that used to drive Tali insane. She wasn't a jealous woman by nature, far from it, but Liara had a tendency of reminding her that she had been Shepard's lover once, even though the situation had clearly changed. She wasn't above making passes at him either apparently, if her constant appearances in his cabin were anything to go by.
Shepard didn't seem to notice the edge in her voice, as he let out a weak laugh. "That's the plan. We're getting close to the final stretch."
"Do you think so?" Liara asked softly. Tali resisted the urge to grit her teeth; a year ago she would have said that asari were just naturally flirtatious and that it wasn't Liara's fault, but she knew better now. She decided to give Liara benefit of the doubt this time, blaming her behaviour on the distressing situation she was in.
"All we need now is the Catalyst, and I have a good feeling we'll find it here." He smiled, genuinely this time, giving them both a sense of hope that only Shepard could inspire. "I know we will."
His words hung in the air, and Tali marvelled, not for the first time, how he always succeeded to motivate others, even in the most desperate of times. It had been one of the things that attracted her to him, his capability to wield words as a weapon; she'd seen solid proof of that on Rannoch. In their quiet moments he admitted to not being a people person, for choosing the forceful way out sometimes that could potentially harm people, but she had reassured him that when it mattered most, he always chose what was right. He may have held doubts about his abilities, but she certainly didn't.
It was Liara who broke the comfortable silence between them again, this time addressing Tali. "Are you alright? You haven't spoken much."
Tali jerked back to reality and blinked at her. "Oh, I'm fine." Liara's eyebrows drew together a tiny bit, so she elaborated further. "Just didn't get enough sleep last night, that's all."
In her peripheral vision, she caught the playful quirk of Shepard's eyebrow, asking a silent and very inappropriate question that she would have preferred to not answer right now. Liara didn't seem to notice though. "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Though I assume you won't be getting much sleep tonight either."
Tali blinked even more rapidly, clearly taken aback. She couldn't figure out if Liara was simply playing along with Shepard's insinuations or was asking a different question entirely. "What?"
"Weren't you helping Garrus tonight?"
Within the span of a second, the blood froze in Tali's veins. She stared at Liara motionlessly, trying to wrap her head around what she had just said. She had no idea what the other woman was talking about, but the best conclusion she could come to was that Garrus wanted to see her tonight. But no, this wasn't the place to show weakness; Liara would pick up on any emotion her body betrayed within a moment. She inhaled shallowly and managed to regain her composure, and just in time, as Shepard straightened up beside her and looked over at her.
"I forgot to mention, Garrus wanted your help with the guns today or tomorrow, whenever you had time. I don't know the details -"
"You mean you don't remember them," Liara interjected with an amused huff. He chuckled at that too, but Tali didn't dare open her mouth.
"Yeah, it's something complicated and he just told me to pass the message along."
Somewhere beneath the numbness of her exterior, Tali's blood screamed in her ears. "Hmm. Okay." She turned her head away to focus on the lights dancing across the bar. "I'll talk to him tomorrow about it."
She could hear, more so than see the smile on Shepard's face. "Sounds good." He turned to Liara then. "Are you alright now?"
Out of the corner of her eye, Tali could see Liara nod. "Yes, thank you for everything, Shepard." There was that tone again in her voice; between Garrus and Liara, she was going to go insane from pure anger.
Shepard rested a hand on her shoulder, drawing her gaze up to his. "Come see me tomorrow before I leave," he said quietly. Tali didn't trust her own voice, and simply nodded in reply. "I should go, then." He nodded at Liara, squeezed her own shoulder, and headed towards the door. She could feel Liara's stare burning into the side of her head as she watched him leave, the shreds of her heart going with him.
She didn't get time to put herself back together this time, for the moment the doors closed, Liara was on her. "Are you alright?" she asked in a gentle voice. Tali turned abruptly to face her, but Liara seemed nothing but concerned for her own well being. What she didn't know was if the other woman was being genuine, or simply lulling her into a false sense of security. Either way, the question caught her off-guard.
"I'm fine." She paused, then added, "why do you ask?"
"You seemed a little flustered there, that's all." She turned down her blue eyes into the mug she was still holding in her hands, though the liquid had clearly gone cold. "I wasn't sure if something had happened between you two."
Tali knit her brow, rather confused. How had Liara come to that conclusion? She fleetingly thought that perhaps Liara was looking for a gap in their relationship, and really, it came as no surprise that she wanted to be the first to know if there were problems. "No, not at all." She couldn't keep the sliver of venom out of her voice. "He just needs my support right now, he's feeling the pressure of this war." Liara studied her intently for a moment, then nodded and looked away.
"I understand how he feels." And what, I don't?, Tali wanted to reply with. "First Earth, then Palaven, and now Thessia..." Liara's voice nearly cracked on the last word, just as Tali felt the slow burn of anger in her bloodstream spike. Was it really that unbelievable that the asari could be impacted by the war as well? She was hard-pressed to find sympathy for Garrus these days, but the man had seen dozens of his friends and colleagues die to the Reapers already, and as far as she knew, Liara hadn't gone through anything like that. And yet she seemed to be more of an emotional mess than everyone else who had lost family, friends, and homes to this war already.
Tali forcefully pushed the thought aside. It wasn't her place to snipe about Liara's psychological tendencies, when her largest fear would be someone doing the same to her. She bowed her head slightly in a gesture of respect, despite the fact that she didn't have much of it right now. "If anyone can save Thessia, it's Shepard," she consoled, hesitating for a moment before patting her arm. Liara gave her a weak smile that held a kind of sad innocence, which made Tali feel a little bad about her earlier thoughts.
"I know. I trust him, we all have to. It's just... difficult."
"I understand." In all honesty though, she didn't. Perhaps it was the fact that she hadn't experienced the loss of a homeworld, when instead she'd gone through the exact opposite, or perhaps it was because Liara seemed to be hit so much harder than everyone else. Whatever it was, she hoped her empty words were convincing enough for now.
Silence stretched between them then, as Tali pulled away and folded her hands in her lap. Liara was lost in her thoughts once again, in some far-off place that Tali tried so desperately hard to stay away from, for in the span of three days, her conscience had become her worst enemy.
"I should let you go," Liara said suddenly, looking up at Tali again with unnerving severity that made her want to fidget.
Personally, she wanted to jump on the opportunity, but she didn't want to be rude. "Will you be okay?"
The other woman nodded. "I'll be fine. I'm leaving soon anyway."
Tali squeezed her hand in one last comforting gesture, then rose. She had just turned away to leave when she felt a hand latch around her wrist, stopping her. She spun around in surprise, almost too quickly.
"Wait," Liara said, looking up at her. "If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here." The words were said kindly, but there was something in her eyes, something that sent bolts of ice up Tali's spine until she finally realized it. There was a kind of vigilance in them, hints of knowledge crackling underneath the light blue irises and it hit her exactly what Liara knew, and Tali cursed herself for not thinking about it before. Keelah, the woman was the Shadow Broker, after all, it wouldn't be beyond her ability to rig the entire ship with bugs, of course she would know by now. Her skin felt numb as she registered this, understood the implications of it and what it could mean for her relationship with Shepard. She nearly opened her mouth to beg her not to tell him, to keep quiet about it, but she clamped it shut the moment she realized what she was doing. On the odd chance that Liara actually didn't know, she couldn't just blurt it out like that. No, there was no way she could confirm her own suspicions, but the look in her eyes gave away enough.
Panic was seeping into her mind slowly, but she had to pull herself out. She'd already spent too long staring at Liara, if the way her grip was loosening was any indication. She breathed in deeply, stuffing the panic and fear into some dark corner of her mind and bringing herself back to the present. "It's appreciated, Liara, but I think others, including you, will need that more than me right now."
Liara didn't reply as she let go of her wrist, a decidedly fake smile making its way across her face. It was disconcerting, so Tali turned away towards the door. "Thank you," Liara said finally. "For everything." She didn't know if there was a double meaning to those words or not, and honestly, Tali didn't want to know. She simply nodded and made her way out, though every step was heavy as she felt Liara's stare burn into the back of her skull.
She breathed a sigh of relief as the doors hiss shut behind her, muttering curses under her breath in every Quarian dialect she could think of. She was completely exhausted from that brief encounter, though she dreaded sleeping on her own. Crawling into bed with Shepard was out of the question; he had work to do tomorrow and after waking up this morning with a bitter taste in her mouth from what she'd done the night before, she wasn't too keen on visiting him again, even if it meant a good night's rest. No, she thought, she'd have to go back to her own room and attempt to sleep for a couple of hours, if the ghosts of her misdeeds decided not to haunt her too much.
Imaginary shadows danced on the ceiling above, as her head pounded from trying to force herself to sleep. Her mind was a complete blank, which was probably not a good thing but most likely a side effect from everything she'd been through. For a moment she almost pitied herself, until she realized that it was her own damn fault for being in this situation, and within an instant that pity was replaced with hatred. She'd become nothing, she realized, nothing but a vessel of disappointment because she couldn't control her alcohol intake. Sometimes, she thought, it was too easy to ruin your own life.
The chime of her omnitool suddenly echoed through the room. She breathed in, pushing aside all the thoughts floating around in her head, and reached for the bracelet to snap it around her wrist. She powered it on quickly and checked her messages. Her heart almost gave out on her as she read the sender's name. She could hear pounding in her ears as she stared at the name, then finally mustered the confidence to push the icon.
"I was serious about what I said to Shepard. Come see me after he leaves tomorrow. G."
And just like that, she gave up on whatever pathetic hope she had for getting some sleep tonight.