Disclaimer: Not Mine
So What Am I So Afraid of?
Chapter Eight: It Gets Worse….
Lily woke up and immediately hated herself. Her head hurt; her stomach twisted, and worst of all, she felt guilty. She remembered all too clearly the disdain she had seen in James's eyes the night before. His one look had been enough to make her cheeks burn with shame and send her creeping up the stairs to her dormitory, guilt churning in her stomach. She knew he had every right to be mad. She imagined he felt betrayed; she had taken advantage of him.
Lily heard a rustling sound across the room and watched as Quinn's head emerged from a tangle of sheets. "I had the worst night," Quinn said in a choked voice, seeing that Lily was awake.
"No," came the muffled protest from Bree, "I'll bet mine was worse. You, after all, didn't get sent to bed."
"No use arguing," Lily announced, "My night tops both of yours." The girls quickly filled each other in on the events of their evenings. "I'm considering using my position to prohibit all future parties."
"Well," Bree said, smirking, "Apparently from your behavior last night, you might not keep that position."
Lily groaned audibly and sank further into her bed. She could not imagine what possessed her to drink last night. Now, every time she closed her eyes, she saw James's pained face.
Quinn, being the most sensible of the girls, soon convinced the other two that they had to eat. Checking her watch, Lily saw that it was only 6:30. If they went now, it was unlikely the Marauders would be at breakfast yet. The girls hurried to the Great Hall.
As soon as she crossed the threshold, Lily knew that the Fates were against her. There, at the far end of the table, the Marauders sat eating in what appeared to be almost complete silence. The girls chose seats at the opposite end of the table, choosing to avoid the Marauders but not hesitating to send scathing glares their way.
"I don't know what to do about James," Lily whined, looking for any advice.
"Talk to him." Quinn said, "It'll work unless he's completely closed off like Remus. Why do you think he won't go with me anymore?"
"But he was so upset with me," Lily told her best friends, "I really feel like I let him down."
All three girls jumped in surprise as the Marauders got up and walked right past them out of the Great Hall. Quinn put on her brave face; she didn't need Remus. Bree put on her mean face; Sirius Black was, after all, her nemesis. Lily put on her desperate face and followed James into the Entry Hall.
"James?" she uttered timidly, "Can I talk to you for just a second?" As he hung back from his friends, looking at her, she had a weird sense of déjà vu. "James, I am so sorry. I know you must be so mad, and I completely understand. I would be livid with you. I just really hope you can forgive me."
James stood staring at her as she rushed out her apology. Then shrugged. "Don't worry about it," he told her in a voice that seemed oddly indifferent. "I know now that I shouldn't bother counting on you. I thought you cared and wanted this to work, but it's no big deal. Forget it." And he abruptly turned and left her standing alone in the hall. Lily had woken up that morning thinking things couldn't get any worse; she now knew that things may never get any better.
The next day, the Gryffindor seventh years found themselves reluctantly returning to classes. This reluctance was largely due to the fact that they were avoiding each other.
First thing in the morning, the six Gryffindors made their way to the North Tower to what was sure to be an excruciating Divination lesson. Their teacher was a very old woman with infinite wrinkles. She was constantly getting off topic, telling some fractured story about people her students had never heard of.
"Today, class," she wheezed at them, "we will explore the very primitive forms of muggle Divination. The two variations we will concern ourselves with are the Ouija board and the Magic 8 Ball. Kindly divide into groups, and see if you can determine how these contraptions are used."
James, Sirius, and Remus quickly selected a table in the back corner of the class room. James lounged casually in his chair, waiting for class to end. Sirius put his head down on the table. "Don't leave for Transfiguration without me." Remus started writing essays for other classes.
On the opposite side of the room, Quinn and Bree sat with there finger on the Ouija board, sliding the pointer around haphazardly. Lily was frantically shaking the Magic 8 Ball, mumbling to it about reconciling with James.
The class passed slowly and accomplished little. Lily gave up "asking again later," deciding that Magic 8 Balls were the most useless muggle invention yet. Quinn and Bree were inclined to agree as their Ouija board produced little result. For example, when Quinn asked who she was going to marry, the Ouija board slowly spelled out the word 'moon.'
Heading to Transfiguration, Lily's mind again wandered to James. "How long do you think it'll be until he forgives me?" she asked her friends.
Suddenly, Bree rounded on her, stopping in the middle of the corridor. Her face was flushed, and she seemed annoyed. "I have heard enough about James," she said, glaring at Lily. "You have been so concerned with your screw-up you can't talk about anything else. It's all about fixing things with James. Yet somehow, you seem to forget that you made a mistake. You think you can just erase the whole thing. And you can't be bothered to comfort Quinn. Well that's fine. I hope you and your guilt and your denial will be very happy together."
Bree stormed down the hallway, and Quinn, with a quick glance at Lily, ran to catch up with her. Lily had never felt so alone in her entire life.
That night, the boys sat talking and doing homework in their own dorm. Still avoiding the girls, they considered the dormitory much safer than the common room.
"Full moon Friday night," Sirius said, tossing his rolled up socks into his trunk one by one from across the room.
"Yeah, I know," Remus mumbled, looking up from his Potions essay. "Why do you think I had to break off my Hogsmeade date with Quinn?"
James jumped up from his bed unexpectedly. "You know, I'm really excited about this Hogsmeade trip. In fact, I think I'm going to ask someone to go with me."
Remus sighed. "That may not be the most effective way to prove your true feelings to Lily."
"Funny thing about that," James said. "I don't care…because I'm over her." As he left the dormitory to find himself a date, there was an overwhelming air of finality.
James wandered the corridors aimlessly, unsure of who he wanted to ask to Hogsmeade. The idea of asking someone besides Lily was both freeing and terrifying. Intent on going to the kitchens instead, James headed towards the portrait of the fruit he knew so well. He stopped in the hall, however, when he heard his name.
"Hi, James," breathed Alexandra Crosby, a pretty Hufflepuff sixth year. "Where are you headed?"
"Actually," James blatantly lied, "I was coming to find you. I was wondering if you might accompany me to Hogsmeade this Saturday?"
A wide smile appeared on her face. "I wonder love that!"
"Great, I'll meet you in the entryway around 11, then," and James confidently continued to the kitchens.
Lily sat in the library, feeling frustrated and abandoned. She had mounds of homework to be concentrating on, but her friends were mad at her. She felt her eyes wandering around the room, watching people who were surely having better days than she. She felt the shock of surprise run through her when she saw none other than Sirius Black walk through the library doors. Certainly he had never been in there before. Her shock was increased when, spotting her, Sirius walked directly to her.
Pushing his hair out of his eyes, Sirius looked straight at her. "Lily, I wanted to ask you something."
(AN: Hello, All! So here's another chapter for you, to entice you to keep reviewing. I really love hearing what you have to say, and I'm always looking for ideas or suggestions. So keep the reviews coming and I'll have another update soon! Love, Cali And PS: To answer a reviewer, Peter isn't in my story because I think it's unfair how he is portrayed in most fics, as though they always knew he was a traitor. At the same time, I couldn't trust myself to portray him fairly either! Love, Cali)