there are bees everywhere and honey and the air is amber-colored and i am looking at the world through this sicksweet haze and he is there, hurting me, and i am helpless but i cannot feel pain. he stings me again and again. i am incapable of caring
She woke abruptly, her heart racing. In the darkness of her room she thought she saw a soft shadow moving in the corner, in the silence of the night she thought she heard a faint low drone. She blinked, shook her head, and the ghosts slipped away and everything was black and quiet.
She brushed at her arm, the bruises faded but the memory of each tiny sting still alive on her skin. She took a deep breath and could taste honey on her tongue.
i am different now, jane, i am different now, i have spent time sleeping at the bottom of the sea and i have spent time staring at the face of god and i am suffused with honey now
She breathed again, the taste dissipating. It always left her, the buzzing always faded, but it still took time. When it was gone she felt a peculiar emptiness, a loss, there was a room inside her with a locked door, she could not find the key and was only now aware of the desire to know what was hidden there.
She sighed. The night had resolved itself into reality again, as it always did. It had been days and weeks since she had been taken, days and weeks of waking up abruptly, trying to shake the fog from her mind. Days and weeks of catching herself just before slipping into that otherworld of honeylight and soft humming.
i am different now, whether i want to be or not. i have spent time sleeping at the bottom of the sea, i have seen the face of god
She touched her arm again softly, once more, and lay back down. She thought of anything else, she thought of places she'd been, of people she'd known, she drifted back into sleep wrapped in the arms of ancient memories.
"Maura?" Jane said, in the quiet way she now had sometimes.
Maura started, she had been lost somewhere, again.
"Yes?"
"Are you feeling all right?"
"I'm fine, Jane," she said. Her time spent floating in a different world had made her understand that some things were not lies.
"Are you . . . sure?" and Maura could hear the fragile humming uncertainty in Jane's voice, could taste her caution like drops of honey on her tongue.
"I'm fine," she said again, and smiled. "My head aches sometimes, but the occurrence is less frequent."
"And you're doing . . . okay other than that?"
Maura smiled again, more gently. "Yes," she said softly. "There are still moments when things . . . come back, but for the most part I feel very much myself."
myself who is a lost thing suffocated and stung, myself who still lives there, helpless, waiting to be swallowed by honey
"Okay," Jane said, but her voice was faintly sad. "Maura—"
"Yes?"
There was a long pause. Jane turned her face away briefly, rubbed at her own scars. Maura felt her wounded places start to hum, the thick amber perfume start to creep into her nose, her mouth.
she came to me and she held me close to her and this is love
"I'm—I'm so sorry."
"Jane—" she whispered, at a loss.
lost
It had been days and weeks since she was taken and nobody yet would speak to her about it. Days and weeks of feeling more alone and still safer in the dim gold light that still surrounded her when she let it. Days and weeks when she yearned for it, when she secretly wanted the sweet sting that plunged her to the very depths of the great amber sea, when her ears were filled with low drones, even when he came to her—
She shook her head. She still could not remember all of what happened; she had been told this was a blessing.
sometimes the light comes on and i know it because shadows move; i know i will feel his hands on me, i know if he touches me softly it is love. soon will come the sting and then he will be hurting me but i cannot feel pain, i am lost, i am drowning, bees drown in the honey when they cannot keep flying
She worked, she slept, she spent long hours staring blankly out windows. She spoke to Jane rarely, only when Jane spoke first. She was not sure how to be, now, she could see Jane was not either, she could hear the hesitation in Jane's footsteps, could taste the distance between them.
She had not been ready for how solitary this would make her feel, how apart, how marked. She had not been ready to let the weight of it drag her away from the life before, from Jane, from herself, but she could not help it, sometimes she was still so tired. Sometimes her head throbbed and she had to lie down. Sometimes she forgot why it hurt, she forgot what had happened to make her hurt so badly.
They had gotten the poison out of her and they had closed her wounds; they had told her over and over what had happened. They had told her what might happen but none of them had known about the drone of bees, the way their voices turned into the drugged low hum of bees, the way she slipped so easily underneath.
in the night he comes for me and stings and stings, i am nothing, there is nothing, i still remember a woman and her face means something and sometimes i do not know what it is but she came to me and she held me close to her and it was love
Jane sometimes looked at her as though she wanted to speak but she said nothing. They did not know how to be.
you saved me from falling into the deepest dark, jane, you came to me and saved me, you stayed with me through the whole long climb out of the night, what is that if not
Maura shook her head. The taste of honey had come back.
i am there again. the shadows are moving. he touched me but it was not with love and i could taste blood in my mouth, i was falling to the floor. i hear the low drone of bees, my voice is the low drone of bees
something is happening, the shadows are moving, there is a woman's face like the moon eclipsing the sun and i feel the woman's hands soft on me, soft as love
i could slip so deeply into this heavy honeyed fog that nobody could find me, not even i would be there, only the slow hum and the suffocating sweetness, i am on the edge, one sting left, but then there is a woman and her face is the moon and her hands are sparrows
Maura jerked awake. There was a soft knocking at her door. She paused, made sure the long silver knife was within reach.
"Hello?" she called, still half-dreaming, her ears still half-filled with the drone.
"Maura?"
She slipped off the couch and padded to the door, opening it slowly. Jane stood on the stoop, bathed in a dim golden light. Her breath caught in her throat; Jane's hair was highlighted with threads of amber, Maura could taste the heavy sweetness of honey in her mouth.
she came to me and held me close to her and this is love
"Can I come in?"
"Of course," and Maura stepped back to let Jane pass.
Jane stood in the living room, rubbing her hands together, all sharp angles and uncertain eyes.
"Maura, I haven't been there for you very much," she said suddenly, in a single breath. "And I wanted to tell you I'm sorry. I just—I haven't known what to say, you know? How to talk to you."
Maura said nothing. She returned to the couch.
"I mean, I know we've been through stuff like this before but none of it . . . none of it really felt like this. You were gone so long, and I didn't know where you were, and all I could do was look for you, but every day that went by, I got more and more afraid."
Maura closed her eyes. She unconsciously stroked at the crook of her elbow.
"I was afraid, Maura, that you were—you know. And then I found you and I didn't know if I was just going to lose you again right then. And then it took you so long to wake up, I didn't . . . I couldn't . . ."
"Sit down," Maura said softly, taking Jane's hand and pulling her down beside her.
Jane sat, leaving a space between their bodies. She looked away. Maura's hands slid back to the places where she had been stung.
"I was so scared, Maura. I was so scared." She took a deep breath. "And then you were so hurt, and I felt like . . . I felt like it was my fault, like I didn't get to you fast enough, and then when I found out what . . . happened, I—"
the taste of honey in my mouth, i cannot feel pain
"Jane," she whispered. She didn't look at her but Maura could hear the tears on her face. She did not know what else to say beyond her name, could not think, was starting to slip again.
"Maura, I'm so sorry."
Maura reached out and touched Jane's hand. Jane flinched.
if you do not want me i will stay here and here and here until the bees stop humming their droning songs
"I don't know what to do," Jane mumbled. "I feel like I screwed up so bad, Maura, that you went through things no person should ever have to because I wasn't there, because I couldn't find you fast enough."
jane, jane, you came to me and you saved me, you pulled me away from the long dark night, you came to me and your voice was the drone of bees and your body made of honey and you saved me
Maura did not understand why Jane would not look at her. She felt the thinnest silver tendril of anguish course through her, she heard the far-off hum.
"Whatever you think you've done or not done, Jane, you have to know I don't agree. You saved my life," Maura said. Her head was beginning to ache. "I don't feel betrayed by you, I feel indebted."
and this is love, you came to me and held me close to you and this is love
"Whatever forgiveness you're looking for," she whispered, "I offer it to you. Please, Jane. Please."
"I just . . . I don't know if I want you to forgive me. I don't know if I can forgive myself," Jane said, her voice shot through with fine cracks. Maura could taste her despair like drops of honey on her tongue.
i am so weary, everything is the drone of bees, everything is slipping farther and farther away from me, i am falling deeper and deeper into this warm blank sea
She sighed and placed her hand on Jane's, weaving her fingers through Jane's before Jane could pull away. She pulled at Jane's hand until Jane shifted toward her, still looking down, the tears shimmering like honey in the sunset glow. Jane's breath caught in her throat as she ran her fingers trembling up the length of Maura's arm, barely making contact with her skin, her touch so light Maura was not sure it was real.
when she touches me softly it is love. i cannot feel pain but the difference between hard and soft is love
"I know you don't remember what happened," Jane said so quietly Maura had to close her eyes to hear. "And trust me, Maura, that's for the best, and I hope it never comes back to you. But I—I know what happened, and Maura, I'm so sorry."
i was drowning in honey and you saved me
"Jane," she whispered again, reaching up to touch her cheek.
your tears shine like honey on your cheeks and i would kiss them away and taste that honey on my tongue, there is only you, there is your face, a woman's face which means something and sometimes i know what it is
Jane flinched again but did not pull her face away. "I was so scared," her eyes huge and dark, her lip trembling, the muscles of her jaw standing out in sharp relief.
you saved me
Maura closed her eyes and pushed hard against the swelling drone and the thick perfume of honey in her nose, her mouth, she did not want to feel safe in the still embrace of that submerged world. Maura closed her eyes and held Jane's hand tightly, she leaned forward and tasted the honey sweetness of the tears on Jane's cheek.
Jane gasped lightly but did not pull her face away. Maura rested her lips against Jane's skin, held Jane's hand in her own, feeling a tremendous weariness wash over her.
i want to lift my head and speak but it is too heavy, it is so difficult, it is such a great effort, please jane you came to me once and if you do not want me i will stay here and here and here until the bees stop singing, i will only break into more pieces if you leave
"I don't know, Maura," Jane mumbled. "I don't know-"
"Shh," Maura murmured. "Please don't."
She kept her lips pressed against Jane's cheek until she felt Jane exhale, slowly, shudderingly, and the stiffness of her body began to give. She leaned back slowly, allowing herself to sink against the couch, gently directing Jane's face to the hollow of her neck, Jane's head resting on her shoulder. Jane's breathing the low hum of bees, her tears like drops of honey on Maura's tongue.
you came to me and you saved me
and this is love
A/N Okay you guys thanks a million for reading and enjoying this weird story (i mean if you enjoyed it which i hope you did). And thank you for your comments and reviews, they make me feel good about the kinds of writing I do, and that means everything, pretty much.