Chapter 4
~ Katniss ~
Gale... come back...
He was gone as quickly as he'd appeared. My eyes were readjusting, the sky was gone and replaced with a dim fluorescence. Ceiling tiles? Something clicking, whooshing. I felt a rush of pressure, then slow release. It happened again, in exactly the same tempo as before. And again. My head felt thick and slow. I was somewhat aware that I was no longer wet, and as my vision sharpened a bit, I realized it was partially obscured by something being held very close to my face. I couldn't feel it, but it was there. And then my arm wouldn't lift when I wanted to grab whatever it was, to pull it away. My fingers could flex a bit, but my arms... yes, both now... were useless. Legs too. Tried to swallow, for some reason it felt wrong. Or rather, didn't feel at all. Pressure still building and releasing.
I didn't have anything left in me to panic with. Or I didn't care. Either one worked.
A door clicked open. A forehead and dark brown hair entered my vision, and I had to strain my eyes left to see the rest of the face it belonged to. A young, palefaced man was asking me, quietly, by name if I could hear him.
Well of course I could... but with this thing on my face and useless limbs, how was I to tell him this?
"Blink if you understand me," his voice offered.
I blinked once.
"Good," his voice sounded relieved. "My name is Simm, you were brought to our clinic, and you're safe here. Do you understand?"
Why am I here? I blinked again.
"That's good," he seemed satisfied. "Your family is here, would you like to see them?"
My family is dead. At least the parts that matter. I blinked again, wondering who he could possibly mean.
I couldn't strain my eyes any further, so when Simm left my field of vision, I had to wait impatiently for my next visitor to hopefully get that I can only see so far on either side from this position.
"Afternoon, Sweetheart." Haymitch Abernathy. Gross.
"Katniss? You with us, honey?" Greasy Sae. Now her, I guessed I could accept as family. I blinked again. I was getting good at the blinking thing. Couldn't do much else.
"Don't worry about a thing, Sweetheart. We have it handled." Haymitch. Worry? About what? Doesn't worrying require some form of motion? Can't do that right now.
"Are you going to tell her?" Sae to Haymitch, hushed. Like I didn't have ears.
"Don't make her worry, she's in no shape to help him right now."
"Help him? I'm talking about him helping her!"
"He doesn't even want to see her!"
"Well he would if you'd stop being a pushover and make him do it!"
"Who you calling a pushover?"
I was blinking spastically. They finally noticed I was still there.
"Now look what you did!" Sae thwacked Haymitch on the shoulder, then returned her attention to me. "Katniss honey, he's just scared. I'll see if I can coax him in later, would that be all right?"
Who? I looked around. Peeta? You mean Peeta? Where is he? Is he all right? Why won't he... oh. Images came flooding back to me, the black eyes. The vacant, yet hateful expression. His fingers closing around my throat. Now I had an idea what the device over my face was for. And why I couldn't move. My head swam. What did I do that triggered him?
"She looks pretty upset. Maybe it's a bad idea." Haymitch again.
"Well why don't you go talk to him again, I'll stay and keep Katniss company, all right?"
Haymitch paused. "Hmph," he muttered, and left my field of vision.
Sae stared at me critically for a moment, then sighed. Focus, Sae, I need to know. Somehow I think she heard me. Or was thinking what I was. She was fairly okay at the latter, most of the time. We were practical like that, probably why we got along so well.
"Do you remember what happened?"
Yes. Blink.
She nodded. "And you want to know what caused it."
Yes. Another blink.
She considered this for a moment, then smoothed my hair back with her hand. It only took me a second to get it. My eyes widened. Sae saw this and nodded. She continued by summing up what Haymitch told her, so I only got the short, short version. But I understood. How could I have been so stupid not to know this? I started blinking, but not in answer, just to stop the tears that were gathering. He'd done that, trying to protect me. He had no idea this would happen. He must be beside himself.
"Oh honey, he scares you doesn't he?" Sae looked more than a little shocked, like this possibility had just dawned on her. One of the few times she was way off, and it had to happen now.
No, I wanted to tell her. But they hadn't given me a sign for that. Whatever drugs they'd given me that were fogging my mind must have started to wear off, because suddenly the panic started creeping back in. I could see it happening; Sae thought the tears meant I was scared, she'd leave and tell Haymitch, who would make Peeta stay away, making Peeta think I was afraid of him, and making whatever horrible guilt he was going through that much worse. I had to stop her. I wanted Peeta.
My hands clenched and released, and I made my feet squirm. I could sort of feel my arms now, and tried to lift them. I felt restraint; I must have been tied down. Sae watched me, looking confused. I had to tell her. Make her see that I needed him. The thing on my face, it prevented me from talking. Oh I got it now, it was making me breathe. Like I'd forgotten how, or couldn't on my own. Well I'd show them. I waited for the pressure to build, then I tried to make some kind of sound. Nothing. I tried again on the next forced breath, and I managed to create something that sounded vaguely like a squeak. Again, and the squeak was a little louder. I felt something shift in my throat, now that I could sort of feel my throat, and it was like knives. My head, I realized, was pounding. I tried swallowing again, and whatever success I had with that brough on a fit of coughing, which definitely made noise, but the pain was unbearable.
Sae left my line of vision, and the pale face from earlier returned, speaking soothing words but none I could discern from the spasms. Something sharp entered my arm, and my head swam, the throbbing dulled, and my eyelids got heavy. No, I don't want to sleep. I need a sign for 'no.' No, no, no no no no...
~ Peeta ~
One-way glass was all that stood between me and the girl I loved. The girl I had almost ended. Haymitch made me stay in the waiting room while he checked on her. We stayed all night, they said she was resting comfortably. I had no idea what that meant, but it couldn't have been true after what I'd done to her.
I could see her, watched the machines breathe for her, give her medicine. I hoped it did what it was supposed to, and took all the pain away. She didn't deserve to endure any of it. I'd take it all on myself if I could. I felt the prelude of a tremor buzzing in my head as a stole short glances at her. Anything longer would be too dangerous. So I sat on the tile floor under the window, facing away. Terribly close, but painfully far.
One of the medics made me sit still while they put some kind of treatment on my face. I told them I didn't want it but Haymitch insisted. I wished he'd hit me again, I deserved it and more. So much more. I didn't sleep.
Sae came in the morning. She wouldn't look at me after Haymitch told her what happened. She spoke like she knew I hadn't meant it, but I could tell she was afraid and angry. I didn't blame her. Then the medic... Simm was his name... came to us and updated her condition. Her recovery depended on remaining absoutely still over the next few days, while her new trachea set. There was nothing more to do but wait.
I slept on the floor as well, or at least attempted to. Sae was across from me in a chair, her head occasionally rocking back and hitting the wall behind her. She'd startle awake, glance in my direction to make sure I hadn't run off, then go back to sleep. Haymitch came back around dawn to relieve Sae, not quite sober but definitely able to handle me if the need arose.
Day three. She started to wake up, they made her sleep again. Probably best, but my stomach twisted knowing that she'd been conscious, and I hadn't been able to look at her long enough to see her eyes, even for only a moment, to see that this was her and not the illusion, in a desperate attempt to change her in some other way as to keep her safe from my rages. I hoped the drugs they gave her provided a break from the nightmares. Haymitch made me eat a sandwich, and every swallow brought a fresh awareness of her pain. I slept on the floor again.
Haymitch brought clean clothes, made me change and eat another sandwich. The bathroom mirror showed my cheek had turned a sick yellow-green. I slapped it, hard, and it brough tears to my eyes. It was the least I could do.
Haymitch went into her room sometimes. Sat by her feet, sometimes talked, sometimes didn't. He kept asking me to go in, that he'd hold me back if he had to, but I just shook my head. I was so bitterly ashamed of myself.
The floor under the window was my companion again that night. In the afternoon, Medic Simm asked Haymitch and Sae in to see her, she was awake. My palms pressed to the glass and I endured the needling in my head for as long glances as I could steal. I was glad she couldn't see me.
I watched them argue over her. Her eyes, the only way she could communicate, blinking rapidly. Haymitch came out and said I should let her see me, that he thought I could handle it. I shook my head again.
"She'll forgive you, you know," he consoled me.
"I don't deserve it."
He snorted. "That's exactly why she will."
She was suddenly fighting the restraints, and then it sounded as though she was choking.
Katniss, please... just stay still, I willed to her. Peripherally, I saw the medic inject something into her arm, and the spasms stopped.
Sae marched out and addressed me, for the first time in days, her Seam drawl sticking to me like tar. "Well, that's it. She's terrified of you." She half-heartedly patted my arm, and left.
It wrenched my heart, to have confirmed what I already knew, but I was stunned all the same. Hot tears streaked down my cheeks.
I'd lost her. Forever.
There was no going back. I crumpled to the ground, my legs sprawled out before me. Haymitch was saying something to me, but I couldn't hear him. My heart pounded in my ears, and I hoped it would stop altogether. Maybe, I'd make it stop, myself.
"Haymitch..." I croaked. He just looked at me. "Is she sleeping now?"
He nodded.
I swallowed, then got shakily to my feet. "I want you to come with me, hold me back." I sniffled, closed my eyes. "I need to say goodbye to her."