Chapter Eleven

Cricket opened up her closet door and stared at the clothing inside. She and Violet had purged her wardrobe of clothes that did not fit recently and now it was neat and tidy. There were a few dresses inside that she and Violet had pieced together to make new and interesting and there were a few items that her mother had purchased for her recently to make up for all the old things she had purged. At the time her mother brought them home, Cricket was largely uninterested in dresses and skirts. She had preferred trousers paired with a button shirt or blouse. Her favorite pair of trousers had been damaged by Frank James. They weren't beyond repair, but the sight of that pair of pants made Cricket angry and scared at the same time. It was just a reaction to what Frank did to her, of course, but she had a hard time keeping the memories out of her head and looking at those pants seemed to trigger them.

Cricket discarded all her trousers on the bed and looked at what else was available to wear to school today. She had a few dresses. She pulled them out, one by one, and held them up against her body. The mirror on the closet door reflected each choice as she held up the different options. She couldn't decide. She could feed and groom Speedy in a dress but she couldn't ride, but somehow she just couldn't bring herself to go out in public in a pair of pants. None of her dresses was right either. Everything she usually wore just seemed so wrong now. She felt like a different person now than she was. Maybe she was older and a bit wiser. Her normal choices seemed so much younger than she was.

Cricket pulled out a couple of new skirts. Her mother had bought them recently because she was growing up and needed some new clothes. At the time, Cricket had sneered at them, but they really were quite tasteful. They seemed so much more grown up than anything else in her closet. Cricket selected a nice soft twill skirt the color of cinnamon and paired it with a cream colored calico blouse with swirling lines of cinnamon brown and yellow and green flowers on it. The skirt was long like the kind that women and ladies wore. Cricket slipped it on and felt a lot more comfortable in it than she thought she would. She tucked her blouse into the skirt and started to mess with her hair. She had no idea what to do with it. She sat on a chair and put her face in her hands. Cricket wished that getting dressed and ready for school wasn't so hard today.

Cricket felt her hair being gently brushed and looked up and saw her mother standing behind in the closet mirror. There were no words spoken between them, but Cricket had never felt as much love from her mother as when her mother would brush her hair. It was her favorite time spent with her. Cricket watched in fascination as her mother deftly did her hair into an age appropriate style that pulled some of her hair back but left much of it loose in the back.

Buck spent most of the afternoon and night meditating and thinking about his life and his feelings. He came back steadfast in his belief that he couldn't possibly have feelings for Cricket. He was too old for her and it would be wrong to feel anything other than friendship toward her. He had spent much of the morning defending that belief to Jimmy and Cody who seemed to be enjoying taunting him.

The three riders were outside brushing their horses when the Jones' buckboard stopped in front of the schoolhouse. Cricket's father helped her down and Violet met her at the stairs to the building.

Buck dropped the brush he was holding and felt the corners of his mouth curl into a silly grin. When he realized what he was doing he quickly tried to cover up his reaction. It was too late as Jimmy and Cody had both noticed and were laughing.

"So, no feelings for her at all then?" Jimmy said smiling as he walked up next to Buck on one side.

"Well, if you're not going to sweep that girl off her feet, I reckon I'll give it a try," Cody taunted as he settled in on the other side.

"You leave her be, Cody," Buck said slightly menacing. "She looks nice today, that's all."

"I'd say she looks very pretty," Jimmy remarked.

"Real grown up," Cody agreed.

"Give it a rest, please?" Buck asked.

"We're just funnin' ya, Buck," Cody said. "Besides you seem to need a little push."

"I don't need a push," Buck complained. "I just need to be left alone. We're friends and that's it."

"Uh huh," Jimmy said as he left dragging Cody with him.

Buck watched them go and then stole a look back at Cricket. Jimmy and Cody were both right. Cricket looked very pretty and all grown up. Buck reached down for his dropped grooming brush and picked it up. He looked back to make sure Jimmy and Cody weren't watching and looked over at Cricket once more. After a few moments he caught himself staring at her. Maybe he should ask Teaspoon if he could use his sweat lodge again.

Buck was in the barn feeding the horses some grain and hay when Cricket came by to see Speedy after school. He felt tongue tied and nervous. He had never felt that way around her before. Cricket looked even prettier up close.

Cricket went up to Speedy's stall and the horse wandered up to greet her.

"I was hoping you would come by today," Buck said and smiled.

Cricket jumped, she didn't know anyone was in the barn.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," Buck said quickly.

"No, I just didn't know anyone was in here."

Cricket and Buck just looked at each other for a moment. Cricket was the first to look away.

"Thanks for the ride yesterday," Cricket answered.

"Anytime," Buck said. "Like I said yesterday, Speedy misses you and…"

"I don't think I can help you train Speedy anymore," Cricket said interrupting. "I just wanted to say goodbye to her."

Buck felt his stomach lurch. He looked surprised over at Cricket trying to gauge what was going on.

"What? Why not?" Buck asked in shock. He had no idea what to say or how to react.

Cricket looked longingly at Speedy. She twisted her fingers in Speedy's mane and petted her neck.

"I don't know, I guess I feel like I'm not that girl anymore," Cricket said. "You know the one that wants to ride horses instead of learning to keep house, the one that wants adventures instead of wanting to be a normal girl. I'm not sure I want to be her anymore. She gets hurt."

Buck put down the fork full of hay and started to walk toward Cricket. He still didn't know how she felt about being alone with a man after what happened with Frank. The last thing he wanted to happen was for Cricket to be scared of him. She didn't move as he neared and Buck felt good about that.

"I don't want to be the girl that men think they can use," Cricket said stoically. "I don't want people to think they can take things that don't belong to them from me. I don't want people to think of me as…"

"I don't think of you that way," Buck said carefully moving closer. "Most people I know don't think of you or anyone else that way. People like Frank are the ones that are wrong. Nothing anyone does or doesn't do will affect who and what they are."

"If I was different, I never would have gone with him," Cricket argued.

"If you hadn't gone with him, he would have tried to make you," Buck countered. "Cricket, one of the most beautiful things about you, is the way you make friends with people. You are bright and funny and people like to be around you."

"You don't like being around me," Cricket said looking into Buck's eyes. "You are always looking for a way not to be alone around me."

Buck leaned against the stall behind him. He wasn't prepared to talk about his feelings for her. For one thing, he didn't completely understand them and some were feelings he wasn't ready to admit to himself let alone, Cricket. Buck didn't have the words to tell her that she meant a great deal to him. He stood up and walked over to Cricket looking sweetly into her eyes the whole time. Buck could hear his heart beating nearly out of his chest as he neared her. He started to lower his face to hers.

"There you are Buck," Cody said loudly upon entry to the barn. "I've been looking all over for you."

Buck snapped his head back up and looked at Cody with a mixture of relief and frustration before turning away and putting his hands on his hips.

"I better go," Cricket said as she hurried past both Buck and Cody. "My parents are probably looking for me."

Buck turned and watched Cricket leave. He then turned his attention to Cody. "What?"

"What do you mean, 'what'?" Cody asked.

"You said you were looking all over for me, so what did you want?" Buck asked.

"Me? Nothing, I was just trying to help you out," Cody answered.

"Well thanks, Cody, thanks for nothing."

Cody smiled as Buck went about his chores. He knew he did Buck a favor even if Buck was not exactly grateful now.