Disclaimer: Since I posted Chapter Four, I've entered negotiations for the rights to HIMYM. It may be several centuries before the deal goes through, though; my pocket lint won't be worth enough until that point. So until that happy day arrives, the show belongs to CBS, Carter Bays, and Craig Thomas.

A/N: Once again, thanks to everyone who has been reading and reviewing! Your responses truly brighten my day.

Chapter Five

"You know her as Robin Sherbatsky, WWN's evening news anchor. Made famous by her helicopter exploits, America welcomed her into its homes – and hearts. But what do you really know about her? In tonight's exclusive report, we cover Robin's life story from her origins in the wilds of Canada to her recent rise to reporting fame… as well as a surprising new revelation. Could WWN's best-known reporter be… gay? Tune in at six for more."

Marshall and Lily sat silently in front of the TV, mouths open at the images of their friends marching in a Gay Pride Parade.

Lily turned to Marshall and asked, "Do you think –"

"– no," Marshall said.

"Your proof?" Lily asked.

"Uh, if Robin was gay, she'd have been way more into kissing you," Marshall said. "Also, I've never seen her checking you out."

Lily wavered, then said, "Maybe – maybe I'm just not her type."

"Lily," Marshall said, "you are the hottest woman I've ever seen. The only reason someone wouldn't want a piece of you would be because they're batting for the other team. Robin's never shown any interest in you sexually, ergo she can't be gay. Lawyered."

"Aww, you're so sweet… you liar," Lily said with a sigh. "But you have a point; I've never seen Robin show interest in a woman before. And when she's really horny, she'll go for any attractive Tom, Dick, or Harry, since she's such a huge fan of di –"

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Future!Ted: "Lower male appendages, kids; she said 'lower male appendages.'"

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"But what're they doing at a Gay Pride Parade?" Lily finished.

"It's Barney and Robin, Lilypad," Marshall pointed out. "Who knows why they do anything."

"True," Lily said with a sigh. "Let's see what else is on TV."

She clicked through a couple of channels, nothing catching her eye.

"Wait… go back a channel," Marshall said suddenly.

Lily clicked back and half-grinned, half-groaned at the now-familiar footage of Robin and Barney marching in the parade.

"Born 'Robin Charles Sherbatsky' to a man who desperately wanted a son, Robin was raised as a boy. Yet at some point during her teen years she became the ultra-girly pop star Robin Sparkles. What changed? Could she have discovered her preference for females? And just how much did her family background affect her sexual orientation? Stay tuned for the true story behind the well-known face at WWN… coming up on the news at seven."

"We're never going to let her live this down, are we?" Marshall asked, a smile growing on his face.

"Nope," Lily confirmed.

They high-fived and exchanged matching smirks.

-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–

All the way in Toronto, Robin felt a disturbance in the force and shivered.

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"What's the plan?" Barney asked Robin for what must have been the twentieth time as she dragged him back over to the parade.

Robin ignored him, scanning the crowd for something.

When she finally spotted – well, whatever she was looking for – she turned to Barney and said, "Look, you're probably the only straight guy here."

Barney's brow furrowed as he tried to figure out where she was going with this. "OK…?"

"Or at least you're the only guy here that I know is straight," she continued, now babbling. "And I don't have time to try to find another one."

"You could always take off your top and see which guys ogle you," Barney pointed out. "That'd weed the straight dudes out from the gay ones."

"True," Robin agreed. For a split-second it looked as though she was actually considering it, so Barney was a bit disappointed when she shook her head abruptly and said, "No! With my luck, a reporter would catch that on camera too. Can you imagine the spin they'd give that?"

Barney chortled. "This just in: famous news anchor Robin Sherbastsky has gone wild, showing off her girls for the ladies!"

"Oh, shut it," Robin muttered, but there was a hint of a grin on her face. She took a deep breath and said, "Look, I'm really sorry about this, but if I don't correct this mistake soon, it'll be bad. If I keep denying that I'm gay, everyone will just think that I'm trying to go back into the closet or whatever, and if I don't deny it, gay kids will look up to me as their role model or something and I'll have to pretend to be gay for the rest of my life so I don't let them down! I'll have to move to upstate New York and wear flannel plaid like my Aunt Liza and find a woman who's willing to act as my beard and –"

Barney, bemused, cut her off to say, "Breathe, Sherbatsky."

Robin nodded and took a deep breath before continuing.

"I guess what I'm just trying to say is… play along," she said, eyes pleading with him. "Please?"

Baffled, Barney gave a small nod of consent.

Looking at once relieved and even more nervous, she pulled him back into the parade proper.

He had a suspicion as to what was coming, but he couldn't be right. Nah. Robin wouldn't –

And suddenly she was kissing him; wildly, passionately.

Apparently she both could and would. There must be a reporter somewhere in the crowd.

A small portion of him was furious with her for using him like this. Despite everything, he still loved her; she had to know that, had to be taking advantage of that.

On the other hand, surely this was preferable to her making out with some other guy?

Although his initial response to her kiss was tentative, soon hormones and feelings won out and he had lost himself in the sheer Robin-ness of her. It was, he reflected, a bit like coming home. It felt right.

And that just made him angrier. Because what right did she have to kiss him? What right did she have to remind him of what he'd never be able to have?

Frustrated in both senses of the word, Barney fought for control of their kiss, which was quickly turning bruising.

Robin gasped into his mouth, then let out a small moan and wiggled in closer to him, his forcefulness apparently turning her on.

The breathy sounds that she was making caused white-hot desire to pound through his veins and straight down to his groin.

He bucked slightly against her; her hips rose to meet his and –

To hell with complications; they'd deal with those later.

For now, all that mattered was that she was Robin and he was Barney, and they were finally, finally where they belonged.

-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–

Future!Ted: "And that, kids, is how Uncle Barney finally scored a 'lesbian.'"

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[Commercial Break.]

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