Disclaimer: My pocket lint has gone up another .0000000000000000000000000000 1th percent in value. That's right; HIMYM will be mine any day now.
A/N: You guys are, in Barney's words, legen–wait for it–dary. Thank you so much for joining me on this journey and for all of your kind reviews! I've never churned out a chaptered fic on such a consistent (and – for me – quick) schedule before and my having done so is largely thanks to all of you. While I believe in writing for the sheer sake of creation, I won't deny that I have found your feedback both helpful and inspirational. ;-)
Hopefully the B/R talk in this chapter isn't too out of character. Since neither Barney nor Robin is big on discussing their feelings (especially directly), it's rather difficult to write them doing so... but they need to do it if they're going to lay the groundwork for a healthy, long-lasting relationship.
Chapter Seven
And so Robin told Barney the whole story, from their dance at Punchy's wedding to her attempts to break him and Nora up; from her court-mandated therapy sessions to her reasons for staying with Kevin; from her discovery of her infertility to her short-lived engagement; from the origins of his relationship with Quinn to its end, and everything in between.
She talked until her voice was hoarse and then she talked some more. When she'd finally finished, she fell silent and awaited Barney's judgment.
"Why didn't you tell me any of this before?" he asked at last, voice quiet and face unreadable.
Robin shrugged awkwardly.
"Because I'm really, really screwed-up?" she said. "Look, remember when you asked me why I was so afraid of giving us a chance all those years ago?"
"You said it was because you were scared by how much you liked me," Barney said.
"Well, that pretty much says it all," Robin said. "And I've made some colossally selfish and stupid decisions because I've been scared shitless."
She shrugged again, then said, "I'll understand if you hate me; I hate me for some of what I've done."
The cell was heavy with silence.
Then Barney said, "I'm not going to lie; you hurt me, Robin. And I hate the fact that you didn't tell me any of this earlier; the fact that you felt you couldn't tell me any of this earlier. I hate that you had to deal with some of this stuff alone. I hate that I'm the last one in our group of friends to know about a lot of this when I should have been the first. I hate the fact that we missed so many damn opportunities. But… I don't hate you. I could never hate you – even though that that made me really angry sometimes." His face and voice were almost painfully vulnerable throughout this entire speech. "I have to ask, though: why tell me all of this now?"
"Because you deserve to know, even if it comes too late," Robin said, stumbling to make herself clear. "And because you need to understand that you – you aren't that guy you think you are. Any girl would be lucky to have you, Barney; I mean it. Yeah, you have your annoying traits, but you're one of the best men I know. And, uh, any woman who doesn't choose you is an idiot of the first degree. Because, y'know, you're awesome; in fact, you're the awesomest person I know. And that guy who lives in the mirror? Totally a pale imitation of the real thing."
A small smile tugged at the corner of Barney's mouth.
"So, uh, not to sound like Ted or anything, but what does this mean?" he asked at last.
Robin took a deep breath and, trembling, replied, "It means that I'm in love with you. And I understand if you don't –"
Barney (who had been steadily moving closer as she talked), cut her off with a finger to her lips.
"Robin," he said, "you're an idiot."
And then he kissed her.
-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–
Future!Ted: "Kids, to this day, Barney and Robin swear that that kiss caused what happened next."
-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–
The lights in the jail flickered then abruptly went out.
Deeply absorbed in their kiss, neither Barney nor Robin noticed this at first. After a few minutes, though…
"What the hell?" Robin said, reluctantly pulling away from Barney. "Is it just me, or did the lights go out?"
"They couldn't take our combined awesomeness," Barney said with a small shrug. "True story. Besides, this is Canada, Robin, of course there are going to be technical problems."
Robin rolled her eyes and bit back a laugh.
Trust Barney to still be ragging on Canada.
"So, uh," she began hesitantly, "not to be the Ted or anything, but…"
Barney immediately said, "Of course I still want you. And I don't care about the infertility thing. Even if I wanted kids, I'd still take you over them any day. But I don't want kids. Yeah, they're cute and all, but they're just… well, they're decidedly un-awesome for years, what with poopy diapers and tantrums and stuff. Why deal with kids full time when I can get away with being the cool uncle instead?"
"Are you sure?" Robin asked him. "Really, truly sure? Because this is a big thing, Barney, and it's not going to change. I don't want you to wake up some day with regrets and resent me."
"Pfff," Barney said. "Robin, I'm as sure of this as I'm sure that suits are awesome." Sensing her uneasiness, he added in a more serious tone, "I mean it."
"So…" Robin said, smile beginning to unfold, "We're really doing this?
"We're really doing this," Barney confirmed wonderingly.
They exchanged smiles (even though they couldn't see one another) and moved in for another kiss.
Suddenly there was a muffled thump and metallic clang.
"God damn it!" Barney cursed.
"What happened?" Robin asked.
"These effing stupid cell bars happened, that's what," Barney muttered, rubbing his newly-bruised forehead. "Why do they put them there, huh? Canada."
-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–
Future!Ted: "Marshall and Lily needed someone to post their bail, so Victoria and I drove the 240-odd miles back to Manhattan as soon as I got off the phone. Victoria was a pretty good sport about our trip getting cut short, and that only made me want to tell her the 'L' word more."
-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–
"This has been a lot of fun, Ted," Victoria said, changing the radio station.
"Yeah, it has, hasn't it," Ted agreed with a smile. "We should do this again sometime. Soon."
"I'd love to," Victoria said. "Only I can't leave my bakery for too long very often. Jill is a great baker and a really sweet girl, but not the best business manager."
The song on the radio changed, and Victoria clapped her hands in delight.
"I love this song!" she said excitedly, and turned up the volume.
"I love –" he began, briefly taking his eyes off the road.
"You do? That's awesome." Victoria said. "I've never met anyone else who loves this song. Wanna sing it with me?"
Ted stifled a sigh of disappointment and said, "Sure."
Much though he adored her, Victoria really was a godawful singer.
Still, as Ted watched her bob her head to and fro, belting out the song's chorus, he realized that there was nowhere else he'd rather be.
-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–
Future!Ted: "When we finally reached Manhattan, I bailed Marshall and Lily out of jail and took them back to their apartment. Once there, Victoria cooed over a miraculously placid Marvin while Lily heated up some leftover pizza for all of us. Meanwhile, Marshall turned the TV on to the local news."
-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–
On the TV, a pretty female news anchor proclaimed, "And reports are pouring in from those who know the reporter… or at least thought that they did. Mrs. Goldstein says: 'I've watched them at that bar for years. But never did I think… well, let's just say that some things make a lot more sense now. I always thought that she was that Ted boy's beard – and what a shame for such a lovely young woman! – but it turns out it was the other way around! Didn't I tell Mrs. Madsen that there was something off in that relationship?'"
Ted froze, before dismissing his initial thoughts as paranoia. After all, Manhattan was a big city; surely there were many Mrs. Madsens in Manhattan who knew Teds that they thought were gay.
Still…
He turned his attention back to the TV, where the female anchor was still speaking.
"Ex-boyfriends of Robin's have been weighing in too: former co-host of Come On, Get Up, New York!, Don Frank says: 'I should have known; I mean, she turned me down when I performed the Naked Man! What straight woman would do that?'
Kevin Venkataraghavan, on the other hand, says: 'Wow. Talk about a surprise! I'd always thought that she still had feelings for one of her male friends and that that's why we didn't work out. Well, that and the fact that she didn't want kids.'"
The reporter smiled sympathetically and added, "Well, Kevin, at least you know the truth now!"
Ted's jaw dropped.
What the…
On the television, the news anchor continued, "Meanwhile, Betty Albers, lover to one of Robin's aunts, says: 'Good for you, Robin, sweetie! You have our support.'"
"Marshall?" Ted said weakly. "Do you know anything about this?"
Chortling, Marshall filled Ted and Victoria in on the story, Lily adding the occasional bit of commentary from the kitchen.
No sooner had Marshall and Lily finished telling Ted the story than Victoria drew their attention back to the TV.
"Guys, I think you'll want to see this," she said, eyes wide.
Everyone turned to the TV. Upon seeing the latest video footage of Robin and Barney locked in a kiss, Ted choked on his sip of water.
Lily let out a squeal.
"I knew it!" she told a slightly shell-shocked looking Marshall. "Pay up!"
Grumbling, Marshall dug in his pocket for his wallet, from whence he procured a crisp twenty dollar bill. He silently passed the bill over to a beaming, entirely smug Lily.
"You bet on Robin and Barney?" Ted said disbelievingly. Then, with a shake of his head, he corrected himself. "Wait, what am I saying? Of course you two bet on their love life. I mean, you bet on Robin and I, why wouldn't you bet on Robin and Barney?"
He tried to push down the sudden shameful jealousy that had bubbled in his stomach when he'd seen Robin and Barney kiss.
Robin didn't love him and he'd thought that he'd gotten over that. Only… understanding that Robin didn't want him and being confronted with the evidence that she seemingly did want Barney were two very different things.
But he had Victoria now. Sweet, funny, pretty Victoria. Victoria, who had left Klaus for him on the day of their wedding. Victoria, who wanted the same things he did.
Besides, Robin and Barney were both his friends. Yeah, they were probably a disaster waiting to happen – again – but that was their decision to make. And who knew? Maybe the whole thing would blow over by the time they came home anyway. He was probably worrying about nothing.
Yeah, that sounded about accurate. After all, this was Robin and Barney. They were probably due for a no-strings-attached relapse, right?
And with this settled, he turned his attention back to Marshall and Lily's spirited discussion of the importance of betting.
Unbeknownst to him, however, Victoria had noticed his distraction and was regarding him with a small frown as she rocked Marvin back and forth in her arms.
-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–
Future!Ted: "I didn't know it at the time, but this was the beginning of the end for Victoria and me. But I'll get back to that in a bit… after all, we didn't break up until several months later."
Son: "Dad? Please tell me we're almost done here."
Daughter: "Yeah, I actually have a life outside of this house; or at least I used to have one. It feels like we've been here for eight years or something."
Future!Ted: "Don't exaggerate, kids; we haven't been here that long. At the most, it's been seven years."
[The kids silently groan as he chuckles at his own joke.]
Future!Ted: "After getting out of jail the next day, Barney and Robin flew back to Manhattan. And so Lily got her wish after all: we were all there for that Fourth of July."
-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–
"Sparklers?" Lily barked.
"Check!" Ted replied, brandishing the box.
"Burgers and hot dogs?"
"Check!" an aproned Marshall called from his place at the grill.
"Independence Day?"
"Uh…" Barney said.
Lily looked as though she was about to breathe fire.
"It's right here," Robin said from her place beside Barney on the couch, holding up the DVD.
Pacified, Lily continued her interrogation.
"A Christmas Story?"
"Already in the DVD player, Lily," Ted said. "Which, by the way, is where it was at my apartment too."
"Dude!" Marshall said. "Why didn't we think to check there?"
Lily, however, was already thinking about something else.
"Has anyone seen my camera?"
"I think I saw it over on the kitchen counter," Victoria offered.
"Thank god," Lily sighed, rushing to grab it.
Ted leaned over to where Marvin was resting in his cradle.
"We're all kind of crazy," he informed Marvin. "But we're the best sort of crazy, I promise."
Barney snorted. "Please, Ted, don't go giving the kid false information. We aren't crazy here… we're crazy awesome. Well, most of us are. OK, fine, maybe just Robin and me."
Ted rolled his eyes but Robin laughed and gave Barney a quick kiss.
"Not in front of Marvin!" Lily snapped, re-entering the room with her camera. "I know you two and you never stop at just one kiss; Marvin's too young to get a s-e-x education."
Barney and Robin exchanged amused glances.
"Uh, Lily, I don't think that Marvin even recognizes the word 'se–" Robin began.
"Don't!" Marshall said, re-entering the room with a plate of grilled meat. "We want Marvin to remain innocent for as long as possible."
"Sex, sex, sex!" Barney sing-songed, leaning in towards Marvin.
Grinning, Robin joined in to the tune of the Bang Song: "I said a sex, sex, a sexy sex sex, I said a sex sex sexy sex sex!"
Soon she and Barney were harmonizing, much to the rest of the group's reluctant amusement.
"OK, picture time!" Lily finally said, adjusting a paper party hat on Marvin's head. "C'mon, I want all of you over here by the couch."
Everyone crowded in.
"On the count of three…" Lily said, setting the timer and rushing into the picture. "One… two…"
"Cheese!"
Click.
-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–
Future!Ted: "Due to Marshall's legal skills and my testimony, Marshall and Lily only got a fine and community service for breaking into my apartment. As for Robin…"
-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–
"Next up on Entertainment Daily… why famous reporter Robin Sherbatsky's latest make-out session with GNB's hunky Barney Stinson doesn't mean that she isn't gay."
-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–
Future!Ted: "Eventually, however, things died down and Robin's life continued as usual. Of course, a year later, there was a whole new media frenzy when she and Barney announced their engagement. But I'll get to that in a bit… don't want to get ahead of myself.
Kids, there's a reason for everything in this world. Barney didn't want to go to Canada for Canada Day, but if he hadn't, he and Robin might not have gotten back together. And if he and Robin hadn't gotten back together, then I might not have met your mother…"
-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–
A little while down the road…
"Hey, Robin," Ted said, stepping into Robin's dressing room. "You look beautiful."
"Really?" Robin asked, nervously smoothing her skirt.
"Really," Ted assured her. "So… what was the cause for my summons?"
"Can't a bride just want to talk to her best man before the wedding?"
"… no. Not really," Ted told her. "Sorry."
"Eh, it was worth a try," Robin said. "Just… are we doing the right thing here, me and Barney?"
"Robin, do you love Barney?" Ted asked patiently.
"Of course I do!" Robin said.
"And Barney feels the same way," Ted told her. "Look… I never thought you guys would have a big white wedding. Frankly, I never thought that you two would last for more than a month, let alone get married."
"Thanks, Ted," Robin said dryly. "That's really reassuring."
"Hey, you didn't let me finish!" Ted protested. "I didn't think that you guys would last… but I was wrong. You two are the real deal, Robin. I didn't get it at first, but you guys fit together like a keystone and a masonry arch, like a –"
"Let's save something for the Best Man speech, shall we?" Robin said, looking amused.
"Right," Ted said. "Look, what I'm trying to say is that you and Barney belong together. And after all we've gone through to get to this day, I swear to God that if you don't march down that aisle and marry him, I will drag you there."
Robin's smile softened.
"Thanks, Ted," she said.
The chatter of guests in the church could be faintly heard, as could the beginning strains of the opening music.
"So, are you ready?" he asked her.
Robin took a deep breath.
"Yeah," she said. "I am."
-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–
[The HIMYM closing theme music plays and the end credits begin to roll.]
-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–