"Siha, I-" Warm breath, the rippling vibration between their bodies as he spoke. So comforting the sound of his voice, wonderful the way it drove her to distraction. He was looking up at her with that tender look in those dark eyes, so wide and trusting. Warmth in the center of her chest, spreading to every bit of her extremities, the sense of contentment. Gone momentarily were the thoughts of the Collectors, the dark threat of the Reapers. "You're a wonderful woman, Jane."

Unfamiliar the sound of her name on his tongue, entirely unexpected. Surprise that he even knew it, delayed joy. He seemed unsure at the use, nervous in the most charming of ways. Gods, she really had fallen for him. Being in love...it wasn't something she'd ever begun to expect out of life. It wasn't that she'd never wanted to, it was that the thought had never drifted across her mind in more than a fleeting wondering.

A quick smile, unequivocal happiness spreading through her limbs, so simple. A change that was not at all unwelcome. The dull thump as she threw her arms about his neck, the force sending them falling into the soft mess of her bed. She nuzzled against the ridges at his throat, an action that earned a low sound not entirely unlike a purr.

She never wanted to lose this.

Heat. Fierce and unexpected, blistering pain blossoming throughout her body. The acrid taste of smoke on the tongue. It stole the air from her lungs, the happiness from her heart. Hated, the touch of reality. Her eyes refused to open, to face the light of destruction about her. There was a comfort in memories.

Trembling hands and tear-stained cheeks. Adrenaline continued to pump a fierce course through her system, body ready to leap forward, run. Only there was no place left to go. She'd made it aboard the Normandy, was safe.

Unlike the countless Batarians that she'd just wiped out, that she hadn't managed to warn. Gods she'd tried, just couldn't get through, not enough time. There was never enough time. Never did get used to civilians dying. She wanted to reduce it to the math, to think that this was an easier end than being destroyed by the Reapers, that they would be gone either way. Too bad it didn't work that way. Too bad her body betrayed her, made her run, fear even as they retreated through the mass relay hardly a minute before its destruction.

She gripped the back of Joker's seat a bit too tightly, her eyes intent on his hands at the controls, moving with such steady precision. His hands became her point of focus, so solid, almost artistic the way they moved. Best damn pilot in the galaxy, and probably the only damn one who could get out of a pinch like this. The way he'd handled the Omega 4 relay had been magic, now this wasn't the same, but it was still damn impressive. Her body decelerated alongside the Normandy as they cleared the jump into the haven of Citadel space.

"I don't suppose you want to talk about what just happened?" There was more pity in his voice than she cared for, lighting the small bit of anger in her chest. At the Reapers, at the whole damned situation. She opened her mouth to speak, only to find it better to bite her tongue. It would do no good to snap at the friend that always had her bad, that only wanted to make sure she was okay.

"No." Her voice had the consistency of sandpaper, the single word scraping an already tender throat. The dangers of breathing too hard and yelling too loud. "Maybe later, I need to write up the report for Hackett, he's going to need to know what the hell just happened." There was a look in the bright green eyes glaring up at her from under the battered brim of Joker's hat that told her she was going to make good on that "maybe". It wasn't like she kept any secrets from the Flight Lieutenant, just that she'd been sharing less as of late.

And he'd taken notice.

"I'll hold you to that Shepard." She turned on her heel to leave, ready for some privacy and maybe a long shower to clear her head when he spoke again in a softer tone. "Glad to see you back in one piece, and I know Thane will be too, he was pacing the ship like a madman, might wanna go check on him when you get the chance." Still wasn't used to the casual references to her relationship, but this time she could only be grateful, having momentarily forgotten that she had someone on whose shoulder she could rest. It was a nice change.

"Thanks."

The air was thinner, smoke flooding freely into her lungs, a slow death.

The crew was avoiding her.

Had been since the moment she boarded the ship, news traveled fast. The Citadel was drenched in more than the blood of innocent civilians. She felt for them, knew the fear and knew the pain, dealt in blood almost every day. Only she hadn't expected...couldn't have guessed. Even sick he seemed so indestructible. Her assassin, her love. So skilled, so swift. A rookie mistake and a blade that moved faster than her eyes could follow.

She knew better than to stand there. Too frightened to pull the damn trigger and accidentally hit Thane. No matter how good her aim was, it was too great a risk. But she'd taken greater, often with her squad's lives on the line. By the time the elevator reached her floor she was on her knees. No tears, only rage making her body quake. His blood was on her hands. Any time he might have had otherwise, any chance at them seeing the end of this war together, it was gone.

His name joined the others on the memorial wall with no remark, only the pressing silence of a crew who didn't know how to react, afraid that any comment might make their Commander splinter and break. It was a slim chance, they all knew her record, but it didn't change the fact she was human. Had weaknesses just like the rest of them.

Better to mourn in silence.

If nobody said it, if the words never hung so awkward and heavy in the air then maybe it wasn't real. Maybe she could continue on as if nothing happened. Or maybe her body could act on autopilot, defeat the reapers while drowning out any stray emotions with liquor and violence. At least, that's what she fooled herself into thinking. Nobody ever taught her how to grieve, she'd never really had the time, was always racing off after the next threat, dodging bullets while trying to concoct some genius plan to bring everyone back alive. The nightmares were proof enough of that.

It shouldn't have come as a surprise when it all came crashing down about her. Fragile delusions and the need for companionship. Thessia was another turning point. Shattered delusions and painful accusations. Her fault for heading straight for the Citadel, desperate for shore leave, thirsty for something stronger than the private reserves in her cabin. Her fault when it was stronger than expected.

Her fault when she couldn't hold her tongue. When she lashed out at the one friend who still tried to bring her back into the world. He was finally happy after all, had been asking advice on talking to Edi. Confided those blooming feelings out of the mutual trust they had built over the years since they had first met. And she just had to fuck it up. Drank too much too fast, bleary thoughts and bold words. Regret the moment he met her gaze, surprise and indignation coloring his features as the pulsing neon lights of the club bounced between them.

"Hypocrite."

It was practically a whisper in the din of the club, one small word in the ebbing sea of sound, but it would have cut just as much if he had screamed it. And yet he continued to sit there, silently nursing his drink as if nothing had been said at all. That's all it took. A nod towards the bartender and there were two fresh shots y in front of her. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Joker's posture stiffen, all too aware of what happened when the she decided to drink. The liquor burned a trail of confidence down her throat, settling into righteous fury after a matter of moments.

"Think before you speak Shep, you know I'm in the right here."

He knew her so damn well. There was nothing but patience in his voice, however bitter it might taste on the tongue. Too bad she really wasn't in the mood for this patronizing bullshit. He had no right. There wasn't a fool in the galaxy that would call her on something so…personal.

"You have two seconds to get off your ass and walk out of here for a private talk Lieutenant." She cracked her knuckles to hide the fact her hands were beginning to shake. Adrenaline and alcohol weren't exactly the best combination. "Otherwise I drag you out of here over my shoulders just like the good ol days."

Silence greeted her. Joker raised a hand for a refill only to be greeted by his seat being kicked out from underneath him. There was a sharp thud as he fell to the ground, silence from the assembled patrons soon instant pang of regret as he glared up at her from under the brim of his hat, betrayal in those generally comforting features."You really want to talk Shep?" Venom in his voice, a groan as he started to pick himself up from the floor, the obvious check for any broken bones.

Fear.

She instinctively took a step back. "Because I have a few things I've wanted to say to you for awhile. Fuck rank and fuck you. I'm sick of you acting like you're the only one that has it tough right now, that you're the only one with goddamn issues!" Another step back. Her heart hammering, palms sweating. Everything she didn't want to hear. "I get that you're lonely, I get that all of our friends are dying, but that doesn't give you a free bitch pass whenever you're feeling feisty. Some of us want to enjoy the time we have left, some of us want to believe we're going to have a future once this is over."

"Joker-"

"I'm not done Commander." The sharp intake of breath, calculating just how quickly she could run back towards the docking bay before he caught up to her. How much longer before the entire Citadel knew what a proper fool she was. "You want to know why I turned you down? I want to look to the future and not have to worry if the woman I love is going to come home at the end of the day. I want to know that there's not always going to be something dark around the corner trying to take her away from me. Chances are you're not coming out of this one alive Shep, and we've all seen what's happened since Thane died, I don't want that. I'm a coward, I get that, but I deserve to be. I can't lose you again, but that's not my choice."

He was right, of course he was right. It wasn't fair, not by a long shot, but it was right. Shame settled in her gut, she wanted to say something, to apologize at the very least, but the words just wouldn't come. Figured. She knew how he felt though. Could understand that line of logic, the one she might have taken with Thane if she could have helped it. But there was that hope, that fire that she couldn't resist.

And here she was, already throwing herself at another man hardly a month since he passed. So damn foolish! She couldn't meet Joker's gaze again, could only turn her back and get the hell out of the club as fast as her wobbly legs would carry her. Never again. It was high time she got her act in order, so when at last her time was up she could die with honor. She would do make him proud.

He was owed that much.

Crumbling walls, the thunderous crash as the Citadel seemed to release a breath. Exhalation of annihilation. The towering structure that had been the conduit for this finale fell, red flames sparking as it went. The first chunks of steel fell a ways from her, still sparking red. Her breaths came in shallow coughs, wracking her damaged form with a force that brought her back to the present, if for but a moment. Just long enough to swear she the Normandy in the distance, flying towards what remained of the fleet.

She couldn't recall Joker ever saluting her, and yet here they stood. Momentarily surprised, questions better left unanswered. They were of a similar height, him having the slight advantage, yet she had never felt so small in front of him. Just a girl with a big gun. This war made her feel so small.

"Stay safe."

If only she'd known what to say, things might have gone differently.