Chapter 2: The Voice
!WARNING: Explicit mentions of cutting, depression, and self harm! General mentions of child abuse and drug abuse. READ AT OWN RISK!
Disclaimer: Anything recognizable I do not own.
A/N: Um...don't kill me? –dodges rotten fruit- yes, I know I've been gone a long time! And the only excuse I have is that I finally graduated high school (later bitches! Mama's movin' on!) So been prepping for university, blah blah boring shit, yadda yadda...Anyways, decided enough was enough and finally pulled my shit together enough to get this put together in some semblance of order (I think). Updates are sporadic with me (and probably will be for some time) HOWEVER I will finish ALL of my stories, even if I have to die to do it...that may have come out a bit more dramatic than I intended.
Anyways! I have a pole up on my profile (please vote) it involves Twitter and stuff and things, give me your opinion. To all my friends (if you're even still reading this, shit this is long) I'm sorry...but, yeah...life. I'll try and get back to you guys as soon as possible.
Unbeta-ed cuz I don't have time, used Google translate for the meagre amount of German. Forgive me, I know that thing is useless, but I'm lazy.
Wow, really long author note. On with the show!
oOo
A few days later Kurt was actually better, surprisingly. Going back to school and falling into his normal routine again was easy and he found it was even easier to pretend like everything was fine.
It wasn't.
Every night he woke up from nightmares of past tragedies, and they were getting worse. Bloodier, gorier, and it didn't help that Kitty made him watch Hotel Rwanda with her a few days ago. He'd watched it with her before and really enjoyed it, but now machetes decided to join his dreaming, even if he had no memory of them in real life. Either way he shuddered at the thought and didn't even go into the kitchen before dinner, knowing Ororo had to use knives to prepare the food. He was being incredibly paranoid, he knew that, but it was a natural instinct for him to run from anything that could cause him harm.
What he really needed was a therapist at that point, but really he didn't even feel comfortable telling his parents or the Professor about those nights and days where he lived a nightmare. So he continued to silently suffer.
They left the Danger Room after their most recent session and Kurt was fighting the urge to curl into a ball. They'd been working with Logan, and while the feral man barely ever scared him these days, the man's claws were another story entirely.
He felt weak, pathetic, and caged in.
Giving his friends a smile and some excuse he wouldn't remember in five minutes, he bamfed upstairs and got cleaned up in record time before grabbing his inducer and bamfing again, this time outside and past the boundary walls of the mansion.
Now in the fresh air, Kurt felt his head clear and he relaxed. It was beautiful, barely a cloud in the sky, the air rich with the scents of coming autumn, the air was cool but nothing his fur didn't counteract as he started down the sidewalk.
I'm going crazy. he thought to himself. He shouldn't be scared of Wolverine, it was stupid and he shouldn't be scared of Ororo's knives.
Yet he still shivered at the thought of them both.
Then why don't you get rid of the problem at its source? ~
Kurt froze. A foreign voice reverberated in his mind. It was a sleek, dark hiss that sounded as dangerous as it did safe and enticing. He almost wanted to follow the advice, but that made him start.
~Okay, calm down Nightcrawler, you just haven't gotten enough sleep. ~
~And whose fault is that? Certainly if you didn't have something to fear, you wouldn't be having nightmares. ~
The voice was back and he shuddered, hugging himself as he continued walking.
Ignore it, ignore it, ignore it. He told himself over and over, and the voice didn't speak again. He pushed it aside as an exhausted mind playing tricks on him.
In his distraction, he didn't realize where he was headed until he felt a flash of air breeze by him. He stopped and looked up feeling his heart drop at the sight that met him. He'd walked to the Brotherhood Boarding House, this was the last thing he needed right now.
"Well look who it is!" a quick paced voice stated snootily.
Quicksilver leaned against Kurt, his elbow resting on the other boy's shoulder, "Whatcha doin' here X Geek? This is our territory."
Kurt shrugged the mutant boy off, fighting a growl, "Just passing through, Quicksilver, I'm not looking for a fight."
"Oh really? Then why ya here?" he pretended to inspect his nails.
Kurt rolled his eyes at the other boy's vanity and continued walking.
Quicksilver appeared before him in a blur of motion, "Now, now, why are you leaving so soon? Come on in, take a load off. Just don't get any fur on the sofa, it takes long enough to get Toad's stench out."
"Hey, I resent that, yo!" Toad hopped into view from where he'd been doing God knows what in the garden –or what would have been a garden, now it was really just a lump of dirt and weeds.
Kurt fought a groan of annoyance; this was just what he needed, "I'll be leaving now." He stated coldly, shouldering past Pietro.
"What I say?" the blonde boy smirked but Kurt kept walking.
~You shouldn't have to take that. Be rid of him, wipe that smirk from his face! ~The voice was back, and louder than before. So much so that Kurt nearly stumbled and fell on his face.
Whoever you are, leave me the hell alone!
He hadn't realized he'd stopped again until he felt someone prodding his shoulder. Looking over he realized it was Toad, who had an oddly concerned look on his face."Uh, you okay dude? You're acting kinda...weird."
Kurt blinked, astounded by the true concern in his enemy's voice.
"I'm fine." He muttered. No I'm not.
Toad seemed to read his thoughts because he gave him a very doubtful look.
Kurt ignored him and kept walking, he didn't have to wait five seconds before he heard the slap of sneakers behind him.
"Don't follow me."
"I'm not gonna mess with you, yo, I'm just..." he trailed off and Kurt turned to see the boy looking very out of place.
"Just vhat?"
"Concerned?" Toad looked up; returning with what sounded more like a question than a statement.
Kurt sighed and ran his hand through his hair, and in a move very reminiscent of the time he helped Toad save Wanda, he replied with, "Someone slap me." He turned and kept walking, but this time didn't comment when Toad came up and started walking beside him.
"Vhy are you concerned Todd?"
He shrugged, "I don't know yo...I just...you helped me with Wanda so..."
Despite himself, Kurt felt his lips twitch upwards slightly, "Vell...thanks I guess." He took a sideway glance at his walking mate. "So...vhen did you start?"
"Huh?" Todd gave him a confused glance, but his eyes showed a tenor of fear.
"I can see the scars on your wrist, Todd, so vhen did you start? I started vhen I was twelve."
Toad's jaw went slack at both the reveal and the admission, so much so his reply was almost immediate, "Thirteen."
Kurt nodded, "Vhy, might I ask?"
Todd shrugged, "Mama was into the drug scene, Pop was gone, kids teased me at school, it was a way to relieve stress. But what about you, yo, the X Men's fuzzy mascot cuttin'? Don't sound like you."
Kurt smirked darkly and Todd stared, a shiver running through his center, it was a very unpleasant expression.
"There's a lot of stuff I've done that vouldn't sound like me." Kurt took in a breath, losing the expression that had thrown Todd for a loop. "I vas scared, tired of being a demon freak that everyone tried to kill. I was sick of having to wear a hood if I ever vent outside and vear a cloak even in the middle of summer. It gave me a sense of control over my own body, I vas the one causing my blood to run...It was oddly satisfying." Kurt finished.
Todd nodded in understanding, "I get that, yo. My Mama...she'd come home off her head, y'know. She'd be so out of it she wouldn't even recognize me." Toad's voice tightened and they took a turn into the park; the old, overgrown one no one ever went to. "She yelled at me, slapped me around a bit. I got that same feeling of control, no one was making me bleed but me."
"It vas like all your stress vas running from your skin." Kurt finished for both of them.
"Yeah..." Todd muttered softly, head down turned as they continued walking.
The wind blew through the trees, causing Toad to shiver but Kurt welcomed it as it ran through his fur and lapped at the skin beneath. The leaves rustled and a few stray papers were thrown into the air and flew for a distance before cart wheeling out of sight.
"Do you still...y'know." Toad looked up at the taller mutant, slightly wishing he could see through the hologram to read his eyes. The computer generated facade had entirely blank, sapphire slates for eyes, the exact opposite of his normal, expressive golden orbs.
Kurt shook his head, "Stopped a year before I came here. You?"
"Same. I couldn't...not living with people who were more sane than Ma."
Kurt chuckled darkly, "How I managed to keep it from my parents I'll never know, guess there is something to say for dark German forests. Surprised no animals ever came at the scent of blood though." The way he spoke was flippant, like he wouldn't have cared if such a thing had happened and some wolf or bear tore into him.
They fell into silence again as they walked, doing a circle of the dusty pebble path of the park.
"I never told anyone about the cutting. None of the Brotherhood ever pay that close attention, how'd you catch it?" Toad asked curiously.
Kurt smiled slightly, "Vhen ve vent to save Vanda, I noticed the scars, and I kept seeing them every time we crossed paths. I recognized them all too easily." He explained.
Todd nodded, satisfied with the answer, "Did I ever thank you for helpin' me with that?"
Kurt shrugged, "Doesn't matter."
"Thanks either way, man."
Kurt somehow managed to smile at his enemy, they were more alike than he first thought.
"How's that going anyvay? Vith Vanda, I mean."
Todd sighed sadly, "It isn't, I mean I'm not being thrown into as many walls now, but she's still disgusted by me."
"Maybe if you took a shower more often." Kurt taunted gently.
Toad smiled, chuckling, "Wondering when the Wild Blue Yonder Boy would come out."
Kurt gave him an odd look before rolling his eyes, "Vhy Tabby?" he asked the sky.
Toad laughed out loud and Kurt found himself laughing along.
They quieted after a while, but there was now a sense of companionship between them, instead of a dark tenseness.
"What about you and Shadowcat?" Todd asked.
Kurt sighed, "Eh, she doesn't scream vhen she sees me."
Toad rolled his eyes, "Dude, I've seen her with you! Don't try and pull that shit on me, I've seen the looks she gives you."
"Looks?" Kurt gave him a surprised stare.
"You seriously haven't seen them?" Toad was shocked, from how much Kurt saw in others, he missed the most obvious girl Look. The: "I really like you, so ask me out." Look. It appeared that it happened with all guys, mutants not excluded.
Kurt shook his head and Toad smiled slightly, "Dude, she's totally into you, yo."
Kurt shook his head, "Impossible, Katzchen vould never- scratch that, could never be vith someone like me. Someone that looks...the vay I do... Unmöglich." (Impossible)
Toad sighed, "Just pay attention a bit more, yo. You'll see what I mean."
Kurt didn't respond to that, but didn't react in any negative way so they continued on in silence.
oOo
It was past midnight by the time Kurt reappeared at the gates of the mansion. He didn't even blink as he bamfed from the sidewalk up to his bedroom and started pulling off his clothes. He and Toad had literally done circles in the park until the moon was high in the sky and they both decided they'd bled out old wounds enough to sleep soundly.
It was odd, but telling Toad about everything that he'd done to himself, and some of what others had done to him, had been like draining a festering wound. And something told Kurt that Todd felt the same way.
In an unspoken agreement, they wouldn't tell anyone else of what the other had said, but something had been built between them. Kurt wouldn't call it a friendship, but the next time the X Men and the Brotherhood met...
He'd focus on kicking Lance's ass more than Toad's.
oOo
(another) A/N: Chapter three is already in the works, hope you guys liked this chapter. And YES it's only going to get worse from here. Any guesses on the origin of the voice (creepy music in background)
Read, review and show some love!