Dolohov is Very Stupid and Mulciber Becomes a Seal

Once upon a time (actually somewhere between 1970 and 1997), there lived a man by the name of Antonin B. Dolohov. Dolohov was a complete badass who frequently ate at Indian restaurants, which made him universally loathed by the Lupin family since all Lupins hated Indian food by default and there was just nothing to be done about it. Oh and also he killed Remus Lupin's parents while he was high on methamphetamine or something, but if you want to know about that you should check the official court records.

Mr. Dolohov was a smartly dressed man overall: he wore his Death Eater robes and mask all the time because he was kinda sorta the kind of guy who, were he a Muggle, might strap a lot of military-grade Muggle explosives to his chest and go forth for his 72 virgins. Except he wasn't a Muggle and he hated Muggles, and liked to torture countless masses of them, as well as non-supporters of the Dark Lord. Let it not be said that Bellatrix Lestrange was the only person with a Voldemort fetish.

On one particularly gay day in May, Dolohov happened to come upon a completely random Pakistani man on a tractor. Being a Pureblood, he scratched his head and wondered if the Muggle had managed to domesticate a small dragon. Dolohov decided to take the Pakistani back to the Dark Lord to use as a dragon handler, since he apparently had a gift for it.

"What is this Muggle doing in my throne room, Dolohov?" Voldemort asked coldly, eyeing the Pakistani with his scarlet, slightly bloodshot, not that you would notice it (he had been drinking the night before... being a Dark Lord was hard on the nerves) eyes.

"This Muggle is able to control dragons, My Lord," said Dolohov. "He would be a great asset to our Dark Army."

Dolohov and Mulciber took the Muggle down to the dungeons.

"You will work for us," Dolohov informed him. "Or we will kill you."

The Pakistani spouted something in his native language, since he was scared and when foreigners get scared they always forget how to speak English.

"What?" said Mulciber. "What the fuck's he saying, Dolohov?"

"I don't know."

"Well, know!"

They tried casting translation charms on the Pakistani, but unfortunately the uranium hidden in the man's turban fucked with the spell and turned Mulciber into a seal instead.

"ARUGH ARUGH ARUGH!" barked Mulciber. Dolohov tried to turn him back, but sadly the accidental Transfiguration was permanent.

To avoid having to write up a report for the Death Eater IAB, which was Avery and therefore not very stable, Dolohov just killed Mulciber and force-fed the whole body to the Pakistani, who died from a burst stomach.

"I am sorry to bother you, My Lord," he said to Voldemort five minutes later, "but Mulciber just turned into Harry Potter, killed the Pakistani by force-feeding him a seal, and danced out of the dungeon naked while I shot Killing Curses at him."

"CRUCIO HARRY POTTER IS MINE HOW DARE YOU SHOOT KILLING CURSES AT HIM I WILL TURN YOU INSIDE OUT CRUCIO CRUCIO CRUCIO SOMEONE FIND WORMTAIL SO I CAN CRUCIO HIM AS WELL CRUCIO!"

Dolohov lay in a mess of drool and misery and contemplated how he would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids, or something. As he did, Gamma danced naked through the room in anticipation of a threesome with Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy.

THE END