I do Voldemort's job for him.

At exactly 11:58 PM on the night before Halloween I show up outside the Potters' cottage in Godric's Hollow. I am wearing black jeans, a black hoody, a ski mask, and leather gloves, and I am carrying a backpack. The reason I am not wearing an epic futuristic badass United States SEAL Marine Black Ops outfit with night vision and a built in toilet is because I am ghetto and I don't have any money. In fact I stole all this stuff too.

Anyway, I jump the hedge and creep up to the front window so I can be a peeping tom. I spy with my little eye THREE MAGICAL PERSONS. One of them is James Potter. One of them is Lily Potter (hawt). One of them is Harry Potter, who is small and chubby and annoyingly cute and I hate it.

I unsling my Russian-made AK-74 (yes you read that correctly) assault rifle and load a 30 round magazine into it. Then I shoot the lock off the door on full auto, wasting half the magazine, and kick the door in with my steel toed boot.

"Lily!" James Potter yells. "Take Harry and g- Who the fuck are you?"

"I is The Psychotic House-Elf, bitch!" I exclaim in a passible imitation of house-elf lingo. Then I kneecap him in both legs with the AK-74 because in this universe I am a highly trained ex-military drug mob enforcer with perfect aim instead of an AIDS-ridden closet homosexual Washington lawyer played by Al Pacino.

While James Potter howls in agony (I may have kicked his blown-out knees a few times on the way past, lol), I go upstairs and shoot open the nursery.

"HANDS UP, BITCH!" I bellow after kicking in the door.

Lily Potter is smart enough to put her hands up when I point the AK-74 at the crib. Then I start laughing at her, holding the rifle precariously with one hand while I fish another magazine out of my bag.

After speed-reloading, I cackle, "The mag was empty, stupid."

Then I kneecap her, too. And break her hands. And her arms. And her nose, just for the hell of it.

Laughing like a maniac, I go down and drag James Potter upstairs by his shredded legs. One of them falls off on the way up, but in the end it works out pretty good. I throw him and Lily Potter into the corner of the room and tie them together with rope.

I take out some Satanic ritual supplies I bought at Wal*Mart and draw a big pentagram in the middle of the nursery after kicking all the boxes and shit out of the way. Babby Harry is crying so I tell him to shut the fuck up or I'll cut him. Surprisingly, he shuts up. Satisfied, I place black candles around the room and light them.

"What are you doing with Harry?" the Potters demand as I pick him up out of his crib and place him in the center of the pentagram.

"Wouldn't you like to know. Actually, you will in about... 5 seconds."

After saying this I unsheath my awesome Satanic ritual knife, which was given to me personally by Beelzebub. I strip Babby Harry naked, draw some Satanic symbols on his body with charcoal, and begin to chant over the Potters' screaming and struggling:

"EGO EXCLAMO MAGISTER SATANAS AD INDICO LUCTUS SUPER OMNES MUNDI HOC MUNDO EST A VERMIS EGO IN PISCIS UNCUS EGO RAPTUS TUUM AVIAE TURPIS STUPRI MORTUUS! ARANEA HOMO CANCER! PISTRINUM DOMO EST CANCER! MANNIS SUNT CANCER! AVE SATANAS! SUMUS NIGRI LEGIONES ET VOLUNTATE APSORBEO NOSTER GALLUS VOBIS IUDAEUS!"*

After saying the unholy words I plunge the knife into Babby Harry's tiny, innocent body and begin to carve him open, careful to avoid any vital organs so he suffers as long as possible (because I'm a psychopathic sadist hehe). He screams and vomits blood and is generally very funny, and the Potters are almost as funny with their pleading for me to kill them instead, as if it would actually help (he's going to die no matter what; it'll just take a fucking long time).

At last I reach into Babby Harry and grab a handful of his viscara. I then stuff the miniature intestines/liver/kidney/whatever the fuck that is into my mouth and begin chewing. It's all delicious. I crave more of it. I need it. I lift Babby Harry up to my mouth an take a huge bite out of his stomach, savoring the succulent taste of dying babby. His sreams grow weaker and weaker until at last I simply rip out his babby lungs and eat them along with his still-beating heart.

The pentagram glows as his blood touches it.

The Potters are practically catatonic by the time the ritual is finished. I consider torturing them, but Dumbledore will probably be here soon so I had better leave. Instead I shoot them both in the head like worthless dogs and walk out of the nursery whistling the Andy Griffith theme.

Dumbledore is waiting downstairs, to my horror. But my horror turns to lulz as I remember that I don't care about anything at all.

"You are not Tom," he says, confused. Then I shoot him in the head and he dies. I step in his brains and make brainy footprints around the sitting room, laughing merrily.

When I go outside, Snape is skulking around in the bushes. I shoot him too, but only in the testicles because lol.

Then I run into You-Know-Who and I stab him in the head and he dies but he has horcruxes so he comes back in like 10 years but I don't give a shit and I cheer him on from the safety of Brazil.

Anyway, after I get home that night, I have 50000 sex with my girlfriend and post this story because it's awesome.

*I CALL UPON MY MASTER SATAN TO INFLICT MISERY UPON ALL THE WORLD FOR THIS WORLD IS A MAGGOT I PUT ON A FISHHOOK WHILE I RAPE YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S DIRTY FUCKING CORPSE! SPIDERMAN IS CANCER! MILLHOUSE IS CANCER! PONIES ARE CANCER! HAIL SATAN! WE ARE THE BLACK LEGIONS AND YOU WILL SUCK OUR COCK YOU (AL SHARPTON DOES NOT APPROVE)!