Life is Lettuce
Hermione was looking around the library one night when she found a book. It had a big sticker on it that said "DO NOT READ THIS; IT HAS BAD THINGS IN IT". Being the annoyingly nosy bookworm bitch that she is/was/whatever the tense is/was, she took the book and read it right then and there. It turned out to be a horcrux made by the evil wizard Jasper, whose sexyness and awesome is/are unparalleled in any dimension or time. The horcrux then possessed her to bring it to Oliver Wood. Then it possessed Oliver Wood because he has a sexy unibrow and made him kill Hermione with a broomstick cleaning kit.
The possessed Oliver Wood went into Hogwarts and killed Millicent Bullstrode because Jasper doesn't like ugly fat people very much. He also shot Umbridge with an umbrella because they both start/started with the letter U.
So Oliver Wood went up the Gryffindor stairs to fetch a pail of water. Dean and Parvarti ran into him after having hot wild sex in the closet. Also Parvarti had a penis because she is/was a transsexual in secret. But Oliver Wood opened his mouth and blasted Raining Blood by Slayer out of it and it was so loud it knocked both of them down the stairs. They died of broken necks because they are/were minorities and der fuhrer does not/did not before he blew his mustached brains out in a bunker in Berlin approve of minorities.
Anyway, then Oliver Wood killed everybody else at Hogwarts except Colin Creevy, whom he turned into a head of lettuce. Oliver Wood then ate the head of lettuce that used to be Colin Creevey. It turned back into Colin Creevey's body parts in his stomach and made him explode. That made Jasper become real and he went and resurrected his beta-reader/frequent sex partner who is/was currently asleep at this/that moment and wasn't/isn't dead and then they fucked forever the end.
Also Harry got sent to the rainbow factory because he is/was clearly gay and gay people like rainbows. Sadly he didn't fit into the grinder so I came in with a meat cleaver and chopped him into pieces while he was still alive to help out. Then I killed every brony ever because bronies are gigantic faggots and I like killing people because I'm a fucking evil psychopath. Dumbleore gave me an award while I ate Voldemort's brains because he is secretly Princess Molestia.
Then we fucked forever the end.