Chapter 5: Abyss

And so, I died.

Death was a lot more different than how I-- anyone would have previously imagined. I mean, you hear all of those religious hoopla stories, folk tales, what have you about wandering around aimlessly until you come to some light at the end of the tunnel, but that's bullshit. There's no faint light that grows stronger and stronger with each step, and there is no tunnel. The only thing even remotely true about those tales of make-believe is the fact that it is extremely dark after your life has ended. Dark and cold… freezing cold; at least a hundred degrees below zero, but the cold doesn't bother you that much; sure, you shiver-- I'm pretty sure I turned blue, but once you're dead, and in that endless void, I'm pretty sure frostbite just isn't an option for you. It's pitch black, and it's freezing cold. And the whole time, you're spinning; just spinning around and around in endless circles; you can't even become dizzy for the fact that both the abyss is endless, and nothing but the cold and dark exist inside.

The abyss was a void of complete silence-- but sometimes, however, the silence was slightly interrupted by whispered names-- not just mine, for I heard an eerie "Beatrice…" a time or two, but for the most part, foreign names. Some of them, names I'd never heard before. I knew that there were others spinning with me, but we could not communicate; we were both blind and mute. The few times I tried to speak, I found that my tongue seemed stiff in my mouth. I wondered who it was that was whispering names; it wasn't us. The abyss seemed to grow colder still, and I sensed that more had died-- more spirits had become trapped with me, and I could not even see them; I could merely feel them-- I sensed their fright mingled with mine.

Time passed-- much time passed, actually, but there was no way to measure it. However, I knew that I had been spinning for many hours-- days, probably, and it caused me to panic, Will it ever end? I asked myself as I continued to shiver, Is this everlasting? Why won't the abyss end?

And what about my parents...? I suddenly asked myself, as the frightening voices continued to whisper my name from all around me. I looked around wildly to spot the source of the whispers, as I had many times before, but there was nothing to be seen but the darkness and the nothingness that filled the abyss. What if this is hell? I suddenly wondered after much time passed without change in the atmosphere of the place, What if this is nothing but a slow descent into the world of fire and brimstone? For I had realized that I was spinning downwards; another frightening thought entered my mind: Will I find Jacqueline at the bottom of it all?

An eternity stuck with Jacqueline-- now that would be hell-- or could one call the abyss hell? Because there was no way it could be considered a heaven-- although religious dogma could be vastly false; after all, hadn't they stated that when you die, you know pretty soon after whether you're going to heaven or hell? I wanted to vent out my angers and frustrations by screaming, but I knew that that was impossible, as I could not unglue my tongue from the bottom of my mouth.

And then, for no apparent reason whatsoever, my thoughts returned to him-- the boy who had sent me to this place by murdering me; Travis… why the hell had he done it? Why had he so maliciously drowned me in that tub full of fragrant water-- and why had he killed Carla as well-- a girl who had been blinded with love for him. Nothing added up. Could he have honestly killed Carla and me for our hatred towards him from school? No, that just didn't make sense. If that had been the reason, why would he have waited so long to kill Carla-- and why had he chosen the day I returned to my hometown to do the deed-- had he been waiting for it? No. He couldn't have. Everyone-- Carla included, had believed me to be dead, and Travis was not a seer or a gypsy. But, all the same, his tongue-- the forked tongue. It could only mean that he was a shas--

NO-- that couldn't be it. The very thought of it was insane-- but on the other hand, it was the only thing that made sense…

My thoughts returned to my now very deceased best friend: Carla-- why had he done this to her…? She hadn't done anything to him other than love him with all of her heart for months on end. Suddenly, something-- a spirit-- passed directly through me, and I felt the frightening sensation of wanting to scream, though lacking the ability, once again.

After my momentary state of panic ceased, my mind returned to the events that had led up to my death… It was crazy-- CRAZY! Everything that had happened to me during the past couple of days was simply insane; what with the dream and the murders-- and Carla's death was all my fault. I knew it. If I hadn't been seduced into the warm waters, she would still be alive-- hell, I would still be alive, and I could have easily stopped Travis from committing the crimes, had I not been so fucking vulnerable… But, still, there still was that slight off-chance that everything could just be a dream-- a very bad dream. I played with the idea-- for all I knew; I would wake up in an alleyway, or in a cot in a homeless shelter, and thank my lucky stars for it. But, like it had for the past five years, my common sense kicked in, and I realized that nothing would end happily for me-- never again.

I was dead now. There were no second chances.

I had thought my life to have been so complicated, but this-- this put everything into perspective. Death made every other thing pale in comparison. The first twenty years of my life had been utterly meaningless; nothing but a title page in The Great Book of Life.

For The Great Book of Death was just beginning for me now-- so, in a way, life would be never ending, for death was everlasting-- but then again, could one call death living?

It was no use. I needed to clear my head-- my thoughts were confusing the hell out of me, and were getting me nowhere. I just needed out of this abyss… the oasis of dreams. The strange combination of heaven and hell-- this purgatory.

In the strange abyss, time was meaningless, and even if I had a watch, it wouldn't have mattered in the least.

The small stone that hung around my neck burned white hot-- I realized that I had never taken it off, and I felt a slight gasp escape from me at its heat-- never had I known such extreme feelings of loss and terror. Everything was changing too quickly, and I knew that I could not deal with an everlasting afterlife-- I hadn't even been ready to die.

Suddenly, something totally unpredictable occurred; the dark world was suddenly thrown into light as if someone had simply flicked on a switch. It was blinding white light, and I did not know what was going on; my eyes widened as if I were a deer in front of headlights, and the warm, white light enveloped me, and then began to burn me-- everywhere; I screamed in pain, and then passed out.