AN: OMG! I actually updated, right? I know, it's been like almost a year. I was a bad bad writer. It wasn't that I forgot about the story. More like I forgot about my entire fanfic account. I stopped using the email linked to this account and started using another one, which meant I stopped getting alerts to all my stories. Then, with life and everything whirling around me, I just... forgot about all my stories.
I logged back into my account again yesterday after almost a year of not touching it and read this story again. I like it a lot. I like the idea behind it, the themes. I like writing about their inner conflicts and such. So here's a very very very late update, if any of my reviewers are even still interested... Sorry...
Dean didn't know what to do. For the moment, Sam was unfindable. The guy had up and disappeared once he figured he didn't want his soul back. What a damn ass. Downright infuriating. Now he was all on his own and had no luck on finding out how to retrieve Sam's soul from hell. It seemed almost hopeless, but still, Dean would never give up.
The other person predominantly on his mind and worries was little Sam. Surely it wasn't healthy for a kid to spend his whole life up there alone in a place made of memories. It was Heaven anyway. Dean was pretty sure such a thing wasn't allowed. He tried calling Cas down to reason with him, but didn't get any response. Nothing. Nada. Zip, zilch, zero. No matter how much he ranted. How much he raved, the kid would not come down.
The little Sam ate in silence as Castiel stared at him with longing, wanting the child to talk to him. Sam was nothing if not stubborn, so he stayed silent, refusing to speak a word. Castiel sighed. Samuel had been like this for a while now. At first, he tried to lock him out, but that didn't work since Castiel could just appear in the room with Sam. Then, he tried to hide, but Castiel always found him. So now he settled for stubborn silence. He hadn't spoken a word in weeks.
"CAS!"
That scream in his head made Castiel wince and clutch his head. Ouch. Did Dean really have to keep doing that? He'd thought that the man would have gotten the hint by now that Castiel wasn't going to speak with him. He was not giving up his child nor was he going to bring Dean to see Sam. It was a bad situation and would only harm Samuel emotionally even more. He'd done enough damage with a single visit. Cas didn't want to see what would happen with a second one.
"Headache?" Sam asked.
Castiel looked down at Sam, surprised that he was speaking to him. Then he smiled, happy for the long awaited break of silence. Upon further examination of Sam's face however, Castiel could see that Sam didn't look happy with him. In fact, he seemed angrier than ever.
"Excuse me?" Castiel asked.
"It's Dean, isn't it?" Sam asked, voice as sharp as a knife.
Castiel looked away, unable to meet Samuel's eyes.
"It doesn't matter," he said simply.
"Yes it DOES! He's my brother. LET ME SEE HIM!" Sam shouted.
Great, now Castiel had two people shouting at him.
"CAS! YOU GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!"
Damn Winchesters teaming up on him. If Castiel hadn't known better, he could have sworn they planned this.
"It isn't fair," Sam said, tears streaming from his eyes, "You have no right to keep him from me. He WANTS to see me. I want this so badly. I need it!"
"He's not your brother Sam."
"Yes he is!" Sam snapped.
"No, he's not. He only sees you as a nostalgic reminder of what he used to be. His Sam is in hell and when he comes back out, he might lose interest in you altogether."
"I... I don't care!" Sam said, but his eyes said otherwise, "If that's the case, then I want to see him while I still have the chance."
"He's a hunter. He kills demons and monsters every day and he has no safe haven to bring you to like I do."
Sam looked confused. "So what? I just want to go see him."
"Down on Earth? That's dangerous. What if a demon finds out what you are? Or a creature? They'll capture and hurt you again. I simply won't allow it."
"Then bring him up here," Sam said, "I don't care. I just want to see him. Here is fine too."
"He's not supposed to be here. This isn't a place for living humans."
"It's not a place for me either. I'm not allowed here and yet here I am. Do the same for him."
"He will hurt you."
"No he won't. I'll be fine, better than fine. I just want to spend some time with him. Please."
Castiel was silent. He shouldn't give in, not even this once. Sam pressed to his side, wrapping his arms around him.
"Please?" he pleaded with those puppy eyes of his.
Castiel sighed.
"Come on Cas. You've got to talk to me sooner or later."
"Please?"
A short time later, Dean was sitting cross-legged on the floor with Sam on either side of a small wooden coffee table. This room of the 'house' was run down. Peeling wallpaper, weak looking wood. A window leading outside so dirty he could barely see the snow outside. He remembered this place. They'd been in the woods, staying in an abandoned cabin for the night. Well, that had been the plan. A storm had come in that night and stormed them in, forcing them to stay in for weeks. Weeks with just the three of them. John, Dean, and Sam.
It made Dean's heart warm to know that the favorite memories of the Sam in front of him were of him and Dad, unlike the grown Sam who favored memories of being away from the two of them and with some sense of normalcy. This Sam though was before the Sam that had gotten a taste and craving for life outside of Dean and John. All he knew was them and their family, so all of his desires were still wrapped up in the two of them.
Sam smirked in that special way of his when he got exactly what he wanted as he moved a red checker piece to jump over two of Dean's black pieces on the board and smirked up at his brother. Dean gave him a glare and removed his pieces from the board, putting them off to the side with a huff.
"Brat," he bit out.
Sam laughed in that special, damn near musical way of his that made Dean smile despite it being at his expense, causing him to damn near eat up the sheer joy on his little brother's face.
"All these years and you still suck at checkers," Sam teased.
"Shut up," Dean responded, causing Sam to laugh once more.
The checkerboard was old and worn, made out of cardboard that folded up easily with the paper of some of the squares peeled off in places. They'd found this board at a motel and Sam had taken it with them, keeping it as long as possible so that he and his brother could play. Over time, the board got old and they lost so many of the pieces they had to replace some with random things they found around the house. Spare keys, buttons, paper clips, some of Sam's toy soldiers. Still, that didn't stop them from loving the game until it caught fire when their dad aimed a makeshift flamethrower at some creature or another and the board got burned in the crossfire.
Dean smirked as he jumped a piece of Sam's. "Ha!"
But that opened up one of Dean's pieces to get jumped by Sam's. So Sam jumped it immediately with another smirk. Whatever, it was worth it.
"So you hunt now?" Sam asked.
Dean felt a bit of anger at Cas, turning to give him a slight glare. Sam, at the age he'd been recreated as, hadn't known yet about the supernatural world. Dad just told them they had to travel a lot and left Dean to make up some stories about what they were doing to keep Sam in the dark for as long as they could to save some form of innocence... while it lasted.
Castiel shrugged. "I told him the truth. It had to be done considering what happened to him. There was no way to keep it from him."
While that probably true, Dean still felt angry at the angel. He always was far too blunt to people when he didn't have to be. Sam cleared his throat, causing Dean to turn back to Sam, absentmindedly moving one of his pieces in a random direction as his brother waited for an answer. Dean nodded.
"Yeah."
"You and Sam?" the little Sam asked with a surprising amount of venom.
"Well, Sam's a bit out of reach at the moment."
"In hell, yeah. The other part of him though?"
"I don't know where the non-soul part is. He ran off somewhere."
"Are you going to find him?" Sam asked.
"Yeah," Dean said.
"Are you going to be able to get his soul out of hell?"
"Yeah, as soon as I find out how."
"What if you can't?" Sam asked.
Dean glared darkly at the checkerboard, gritting his teeth. "There is a way. There's always a way. I just have to find it."
"What if you can't find one?"
"I'm not giving up on him. I won't leave him to burn in hell. He's my brother."
Sam looked taken aback with the acid in Dean's voice and the burning glare given to him, leaning back a little in alarm and surprise.
"Dean, watch it," Castiel hissed.
Dean redirected his glare down at the board, falling silent while he tried to cool off. It wouldn't accomplish anything to get angry at the kid. It wasn't this Sam's fault his brother was in hell. Yet, how dare he say such a thing? He had no right to speak such a way about his brother. He wasn't even real. He was a fake with fake memories and experiences. He wasn't even a real human when it came down to it.
He forced down the hostility he felt in his chest. No, it wasn't fair to take it out on the kid. It wasn't his fault he existed. Dean had to constantly struggle with himself. He felt so many things towards the kid in front of him. Hostility, resent, hate, greed, longing, need, affection, nostalgia, love. He let out a long sigh.
Sam shifted uncomfortably in front of his brooding brother. He hadn't meant to make Dean angry. He just... kind of hated that other Sam. He envied him, wanted to take his place. Not to hunt of course. He had no interest in that sort of thing. He even hated the idea of it. Hunting, he learned, was what his original father had been busy with all those years back on Earth. Hunting was the reason Dean and he moved from place to place, never having any friends or place to call home. Hunting was the reason Dean and he had never seen their father, the reason for all the pain and sorrow.
He had no interest in hunting with Dean, even if that meant they would be together. No, he just wanted to take the other place in Dean's heart. He wanted Dean to see him as his brother, not the other Sam. Maybe it was selfish, but it's what he wanted more than anything. The perfect scenario in Sam's mind would be for Dean to give up on hunting altogether and live up here with him and Dad, but he knew that would never happen.
"Didn't mean to make you angry," he muttered.
Dean shook his head. "Let's just talk about something else. What's it like up here? How does Cas treat you?"
"I treat him fine," Cas said defensively.
"I didn't ask you Cas. Go back to being a wallplant."
"I can put you right back down on Earth and leave you there, so WATCH what you say."
"Guys, stop fighting!" Sam said.
He was frustrated at the both of them. At Dean for talking to Dad that way and at Dad for threatening to take Dean away. He didn't want him to go away. He wanted him to stay here as long as he could.
"He treats me okay. It's nice up here. The whole... structure of this place was confusing at first, but I got used to it after a while."
Dean agreed with Sam on that one. Heaven was confusing. He remembered the last time he and the real Sam were up here. It was damn hard to move around with the whole damn place shifting from memory to memory with environments and houses changing all around them. This place was thankfully, a bit more structured, but still confusing. Every room in this place was from a different state, environment and memory, yet somehow linked together in one house.
Some places, like this room, was especially confusing. The window outside was dirty, but showed snow falling and ice caked around the edges from the outside. Dean knew for a fact though, that the outside of this place was a wilderness with hills and trees. There was also another room too that led to an outside pool, a completely different environment around them than he would find from walking out the regular front door that led to the wilderness.
Another thing was the shifting temperature. The room they were in was freezing and the two of them wore thick, tattered sweaters to protect themselves from the cold. The other rooms ranged in temperature from regular air conditioned to nearly unbearably hot.
"My memory is pretty good now too. I mean, better than before. I used to only think back on some memories with only a vague impression or a general feeling, but now I can recall every detail of some things with perfect clarity, especially the ones I used to re-live."
"Used to?"
Sam shook his head. "Dad fixed the place so I can't play the memories back. I did have really good control over them at one point though. I could pick and choose what memories to go over and I could play them again and again and again if I wanted."
One part of Dean felt angry at this. Sam should be allowed to see the memories of him and Dad if he so wanted and it wasn't Cas's right to take that away. On the other hand though, he could see why Cas did it. It could probably mess with the kids sense of reality and hurt him on top of it, knowing he couldn't ever really go back to the way things were.
"Do you go to school?" Dean asked.
Sam shook his head. "I live here. Cas teaches me stuff though like math, english, science. It's really cool. Sometimes, he takes teachers from their Heavens and has them tutor me. That's always fun too. He always erases their memories right after though so they never remember me."
Sam frowned.
"You don't have any friends?" Dean asked.
"No..."
"Don't you get lonely?"
"Sometimes, but I never really had friends before either, so it's not much of a difference."
Dean frowned. Sure, this kid might not exactly be a normal kid, but he still deserved something of a normal life. Sam especially deserved one. He knew Sam well, knew how the kid longed for being normal, craved interaction with people and a sense of stability. He knew just how damn happy he would be if he could get a real life down on Earth with a home, a school together and friends to make. He was real smart too. He'd thrive under knowledge and actually make something of himself, something normal without the threat of dying every day from some supernatural baddy or another.
"It would be real nice if you could actually go to school, huh?" Dean asked, "Back on Earth..."
Sam paused, thinking about it and Dean sure as hell didn't miss the agreement and longing for such a thing flashing in his eyes, but the kid shook his head a moment later. "Dad says it's too dangerous for me down there."
Castiel walked by and grabbed Dean's arm then, tugging him off the floor. Sam looked up at his Dad with alarm in his eyes.
"Samuel," Castiel said to his son, "Dean and I need to talk in private for a minute."
"Dad," Sam whined.
"It's okay Sam. Cas and I really do have some things to talk about," Dean said.
Sam still looked upset, but was silent as he watched Dean and Castiel leave to another room. Dean looked around at it briefly. A kitchen and dining room crammed together looking as if it belonged to one of the many ratty motels they'd stayed at. Before Dean could place the memory of where it came from, Cas started speaking to him.
"You can't put ideas like that into Samuel's head," Cas said.
"But there's truth in them Cas," Dean said, "He's just a kid, as you've said before. Kids deserve a normal life. Sam deserves it."
"First of all, you can't give that to him," Cas said darkly.
His arms were straight down at his side, shoulders squared as he gave Dean an intense glare, looking right into his eyes in that uncomfortable way that he always did.
"I've lived a normal life for a year on my own once before," Dean said, "I could do it again."
"And give up on your brother's soul burning in hell? Let's face it, you're not going to rest until you save him, which might never happen."
"I meant after I saved Sam. And it can happen by the way. I can do it."
"You'll always go back to hunting," Cas said, "It's what you do. It's in your blood. You won't be able to stop yourself. If this fantasy of yours played out, it would only last a few years at most. And that's being generous."
"I could do it!" Dean insisted.
Castiel shook his head. "In any rate, even if you could, it's too dangerous for him down there."
"It's not healthy for a kid to grow up in heaven, completely isolated. You could end up doing damage to him yourself by making him live this way."
"It's better than the alternative."
"How exactly is he even a danger as long as we don't go around telling everyone what he is?"
"He's in danger from everything. Angels, demons, creatures. If they found out what Samuel is, they would take away and torture him, take him apart and rip him to pieces to put him to use. Surely, you don't want that."
"Of course not Cas! I'd make sure he was safe obviously."
"They can still find out. They have ways of finding out or sensing something is different about him."
"Then we just hide him from them with magic or whatever. Sam and I did it all the time. There are spells and rituals to block out the angel and demon radar."
"Right, and that worked so well for you and Sam," Cas said darkly with bitter sarcasm, "Remind me again, how many times did the two of you die? Not to mention where Sam is now."
Dean felt anger rush through him and punched Cas in the face before steaming at the angel. Castiel looked surprised, but mostly unaffected. He touched his cheek and looked at his hand in contemplation before going back to staring at Dean, who continued to steam at him. Of course, the punch did nothing to the angel. With him being an angel, he wouldn't even bruise.
"I think this visit has gone on long enough," Cas said.
He brought Dean back down to Earth and left him there, steaming in the dark of the night. Cas was wrong. He could find a way to get Sam to live a normal life. Just like he could find a way to get Sam's soul out of hell.
A few days passed with Dean looking for ways to save his brother and getting frustratingly nowhere. All three Sams, the one in hell, the soulless body, and the little clone up in Heaven, were all on his mind. He got nowhere with calling Cas. He got nowhere with finding the soulless asshole, and he got nowhere with finding ways into the cage of hell. It was frustrating as hell and grating on Dean's last nerve.
Eventually, he did the one thing he didn't think he'd ever get the courage to do. If not for everything going on at the same damn time, he probably wouldn't have, but here he was, at that familiar door to see that familiar face.
Lisa was really gracious considering. She let him through the door anyway and had him sit down. She made him a coffee and demanded to know what had happened with him breaking in and breaking out after shoving Ben. He didn't want to tell her. Hell, he'd rather tell her just about anything but the truth. He tried to stumble around the subject, lie, or give vague details, but she took none of that shit. She demanded to know the truth, the real truth, and wouldn't let him say anything else until she got it.
So he told her, reluctantly and slowly with long pauses in between sentences. He watched the horrified look on her face grow and grow and was so convinced that any second, she'd shove him out the door in disgust and tell him to never come back, but she didn't. She had to sit down for the shock and didn't speak for a long time after he finished his story. Dean didn't say anything either, having nothing more to say about it.
But suddenly, she surprised him by reaching across the table to grab and squeeze his hand. He looked down at hers, saying nothing before looking up to her face in question. Her eyes looked haunted as hell, but there was the smallest hint of a smile on her face.
"Thanks."
"For what?" Dean asked, shocked beyond belief.
"You actually told me."
"I kind of had to. You weren't giving me an option here."
"Still, that's really honest, especially for you. I know it was hard... Thanks."
Dean smiled back unsteadily and nodded.
"Now you can tell me why you're here," Lisa continued.
So Dean told her. She seemed happy at the fact that Sam wasn't hanging around him anymore, but sympathetic for him that his soul was in hell. When she heard about the clone Sam up in Heaven, Dean saw that light of protectiveness in her eyes and he understood what it meant. She was a mother and even though she didn't like how the actual Sam apparently had a bad influence on Dean(If she only understood the entire truth, she'd know that really, it was the other way around entirely), she felt sympathy on a child who was being deprived of a normal life.
"So you want to get this kid away from... Heaven."
She was more than a little confused too, of course, but that was understandable. It was a lot of information to take in at once. Even Dean didn't really understand everything entirely.
"Yeah, if it was possible."
"But he doesn't really exist," Lisa said, "How would you make it possible for him to live in the real world normally without any proof of birth, no birth certificates, no anything?"
Dean rolled his eyes and laughed. Of all the questions... "Piece of cake. I've forged more ids and crap than I can remember."
"Oh, right... Well, if you did find out a way to get him here after you work everything out with your brother and all... and you wanted to come back and live here, he could stay with us."
Dean beamed. This was the reaction he had hoped for and his imagination was running wild. Making a normal life for this other Sam seemed closer to a reality now. He could make things right. He could make at least some form of Sam live a normal and happy life. He hugged her. Then he kissed her. It was deep and passionate. Dean was reminded of how much he missed her, so aware of all the time he'd spent apart and every night he'd spent in an empty bed and a cold morning. He missed her. He missed Ben. He missed this life.
Of course, a part of him was happy on the road, hunting bad things and saving lives. He felt like a hero and it felt right. It sent his blood pumping and filled him with euphoria, excitement. Even though he'd been reluctant to leave Lisa and Ben at first, there was a big part of him that was damn thrilled to be back in action. If he really did come back to live this life after everything got fixed and settled, there would always be a big part of him missing. He'd always have to live with that craving to be on the road from place to place doing the only thing he really knew, but he just had to live with that.
Everything Dean wanted out of life was split completely in half. Half hunter, half normal. He was either a killer with dreams of a perfect, apple pie life, or a guy living in the cozy, but constraining said apple pie life with the dreams to be on the road killing bad things with his brother and living like a damn vigilante. He could never be completely happy, no matter what he did. He would always long for what he wasn't doing. The grass was always greener on the other side.
He spoke to Ben next. The kid was really happy to see him and filled Dean with a sense of pride and importance. He told Ben, not of the whole deal with Sam, but the idea that a kid a bit younger than Ben might come to live with him if he came back after everything was settled. Ben asked questions, but seemed almost excited by the idea of having something of a little brother.
Dean ate dinner with Ben and Lisa feeling like a normal family and went to bed with Lisa that night, sleeping with her in his arms and feeling like he belonged. That morning, he made breakfast and helped get Ben ready for school. They were all happy and things seemed so normal, so right. Dean knew he had to leave soon and continue the search for answers he might never find, but he liked enjoying this fantasy that maybe, it could all be okay in the end.
He was going to leave that day and explained to Lisa that he had to look for ways to save his brother's soul from hell. He called up Bobby and the man assured Dean he could handle the task of focusing on tracking down soulless Sam. Lisa convinced him to stay though with such a simple argument. Why couldn't he look for solutions for Sam here? If he had no leads yet, he could stay at the house while making calls and looking for them. It was probably even easier that way. Dean wouldn't have to worry about driving from town to town or staying at different cheap motels every night. After a long talk, Dean agreed.
Everything was peaceful for a few more weeks. Lisa and Ben even managed to keep his mind stable enough that he could focus entirely on finding a way to save Sam's soul. It wasn't easy. Dean still had nightmares and worries and periods where he was damn near falling apart and restless, but it was a damn lot better with the emotional support from Lisa and the comfort even Ben had to offer.
The little clone of Sam was still on Dean's mind as well of course, but he figured that he'd focus again on the kid when everything else was settled. Lisa and Ben managed to sate Dean's pain over all the Sams just enough that Dean wasn't spending hours of screaming at Cas to let him see the clone again.
Back up in Heaven, things were anything but peaceful. Sam screamed and screamed at Cas to let him see his brother, demanded to know where he was, what he was doing, and why he wasn't here. He didn't want to hear any of Castiel's assurances that Sam was better off and when Cas broke down and said that Dean hadn't even contacted him again, Sam completely broke down. He wanted to know why, why, and when Castiel didn't have any answers, he fell silent.
He remembered at some point during his conversation with Dean, he'd mentioned the time he spent up here with Sam and how their friend Ash had found ways to break into other Heavens. This made Sam experiment when Castiel wasn't there. With all of his focus and concentration though, he didn't seem to get anywhere. It wasn't surprising considering he had no idea how to go about it.
One day, when he was concentrating really hard, suddenly something happened. The world around Sam changed, just like it had before Castiel had made his Heaven a solid structure. Sam got excited, thinking that he was going to another Heaven, that he'd finally succeeded... but as the world came into focus again, he frowned. This wasn't another heaven. It was just the kitchen. All he'd done was go from the bedroom to the kitchen without moving. He sighed. Well, while it wasn't what he wanted to do, it was something he'd never done before and well, at least that was something.
Castiel came to him again soon after and by this time, Sam was a little happier about what he'd done, feeling proud of it. It was something new he could do and his dad would be so proud! He wanted to brag to Dad and try to do it again so he could show off... but he stopped. No, he should probably keep this a secret so he could use it to his advantage without Dad knowing.
"Samuel... please talk to me," Castiel simply said with a frown, "I'm worried about you."
Sam sighed and walked forward, hugging his father. As much as he wanted to stay mad, his dad was the only person he had to talk to and when your entire life revolves around only one person, going too long without talking to that person was damn near impossible. Right now, he was starting to feel the all too familiar agony well up in his chest and it was too much for him to deal with alone. He needed the comfort that only Dad could give him.
"I just want to see him again. I want him to love me..." he said tearfully.
"Oh Samuel," Cas said sadly.
The angel knelt down to get to Sam's level and held him close while the child cried into his shoulder.
Back down on Earth, things had changed completely for Dean with a single phone call. Dean picked up the ringing phone, expecting it to be for Lisa or Ben, but the two had gone out shopping for the moment and so Dean would take a message for them.
"Hello?"
"It's Sam," came the gruff, deep, emotionless voice on the other end.
Dean nearly dropped the phone.
"Sam?! Where the hell are you?"
"Tell you what. Not only will I answer your question, but I'll stay put while you get in your car and drive down here. I want to talk. In person."
Dean got the information from Sam quickly and hung up, grabbing the impala and leaving Lisa and Ben nothing but a note telling him he had to leave and meet up with Sam.