"GIR! GIR!" Zim screamed, his back pressed against the basement door, panting like he had run a mile. "There's a laser-gun ghost down there! It almost fired a laser right through my squeedily-spooch!"
GIR did not respond and his glowing teal eyes were nowhere to be seen. Zim stepped away from the door and wrung his gloved hands, realizing he had dropped the candle in the basement. But he couldn't go back and get it—not with the ghost standing there waiting to skewer him with a laser beam!
Zim clenched his fists at the very idea of this. His base, his home-on-Earth, his one sanctuary from filthsome humans—haunted! Compromised!
He… he… he needed to shout at something.
"COMPUTER! Answer me and rid the basement of that hideous spirit! And don't bother ignoring me, you worthless machine. I know you can hear me. I know you're listening. And you planted that ghost in my basement to try to scare me, didn't you! DIDN'T YOU!"
The following silence was answer enough for Zim.
"I KNEW IT! But Irken Invaders don't get scared, Computer. I demand that you end this tiresome prank at once. Or I'll… reprogram you! I'LL DO IT! I'LL DO IT, YOU HORRIBLE PIECE OF MACHINE… machiney… MACHININESS!"
Anger surged from every pore in Zim's body. He was furious at the computer for doing this and ruining his plan. He was furious at GIR for deserting him, he was furious at the resident ghost for existing at all, and most of all he was furious at whoever had designed this house for making it impossible to navigate in the darkness!
Wait… he had designed the house. Zim paused. There must have been something wrong with the building drill. Later he'd have to send an angry message, preferably with some explosives, to the manufacturers.
But in the meantime! He had a ghost to get rid of. He hurried across the room and crashed into what felt like a flat barrier. Aha! A wall! He felt along the smooth surface until he came across a large button and pounded it, again and again, with all his strength.
There was a creaking and wrenching sound as if something were trying to force its way through a door that wouldn't open on its own. A male voice sounded from the darkness.
"You called for us, Son?"
"Perfect!" Zim said, backing away from the button and planting his hands on his hips. "Roboparents! I can see that the two of you were not affected by the Computer's foolish joke, and that the alert system works as well."
"Actually we didn't hear an alert," Robodad said. "We just heard you screaming to yourself again. Would you like another throat lozenge, Champ?"
The unmistakable voice of Robomom chimed in. "Oh, honey! It's so darn dark in here that I can't see your pretty l'il face without that new Infar-Red stuff you gave us! Are you okay, sweetheart? Do you need a band-aid and a hug?"
Cold robotic claws suddenly closed around Zim's waist and he felt himself lifted into the air and snuggled into Robomom's chest.
"NO! NO HUGS!" Zim screamed, struggling to get down. "For Irk's sake, you're worse than GIR! RELEASE ME AT ONCE!"
Robomom obediently let go and Zim landed hard on the floor with an "Oof!" He stood up and glared at the robots, glad they had night vision so they could see the look of intense hatred on his face. "Roboparents! I have a job for you. I need you to—"
There was the sound of a door quietly opening and closing. Zim turned to yell over his shoulder. "GIR! FINALLY! Good! Come over here and I shall give you instructions!" He turned back to where he assumed the Roboparents stood. "As I was saying, I need you to capture a ghost that has taken up residence in the basement. It is an ugly, pathetic thing, all white and glowy and see-through-y and gross." He tilted his head and wiggled his fingers in disgust as he spoke`.
"Like the one standing behind you?" Robodad asked. Whirling around, Zim saw a ghostly white shape attempting to sneak past him.
Zim let out a blood-curdling shriek like he had just been attacked by animatronics, germs, and Halloweenies all at the same time. Still screaming, he dashed around and ducked behind Robomom in an effort to put some protection between himself and the grisly specter floating there.
Robomom crooned. "Aw, you're so adorable when you're terrified, Kidney-Pie!" she said to Zim. "I've got to take a picture! Your father would be so proud, if he was here…"
"I am here!" Robodad said.
"Oh! Yep! There you are, Honey! Don't worry, little Zimling, your daddy's here. He'll protect you from wandering remnants of the undead while I go get started on the family photo album!" She rolled off happily and Zim scurried behind Robodad instead.
The ghost didn't move and seemed to be staring at them. "Little Zimling?" it mocked in a familiar-sounding voice.
Zim shot out from behind Robodad and pointed a trembling finger at the white figure. "Don't move, apparition! You will rue the day you came from the Other Side to haunt my amazing base! Don't come any closer! I have ways! WAYS! I'M WARNING YOU!"
"Ways of doing what?" the ghost asked in confusion.
"DO NOT QUESTION ZIM!"
The ghost suddenly moved and Zim thought it was about to attack, but it simply pulled out a rectangular thing and held it up. There was a sudden series of flashes that made spots pop in front of Zim's eyes. He yelped and jerked backwards, covering his face.
"What is this?!" he demanded. "Some kind of phantasmal defense mechanism?!"
"It's a camera, Zim!" the ghost said. "I've finally got indisputable proof of your alien-ness!" It paused. "Your alien… ness… like your eyes and antennae… which are… hidden under a disguise right now. Uh."
"You've blinded me!" Zim cried. "I can't SEE!"
The ghost sighed. "Yeah, that's probably because it's pitch-black in here," it said. "I'll be sure to take note of the fact that you're using human electricity to power everything in your base! It gives me a huge advantage!" The ghost put out one hand to feel its way and started moving over the floor. "I'm leaving now, Zim! I'm going to show these pictures to Mysterious Mysteries!"
"The producers of that slime-ridden show would never accept pictures from a ghost!" Zim said.
The ghost goaned. "You moron, Zim! I'm not a ghost! It's just a poncho!"
"YOU'RE LYING!" Zim shouted.
The ghost made no comment to that, but then stopped and put its arms back down. "…Hey… Zim? Where exactly is your front door?"
Suddenly the front door in question was flung open and someone toppled inside, moaning and falling to the floor; Zim let out another little yelp.
The man looked up. "Hey! I recently crashed my car into a telephone pole and I kinda need some help gettin' to the hospital. Seems my arm is a bit broken. D'ya think you could help a guy out?"
Robomom clapped her metallic claws as though applauding, startling Zim because he hadn't heard her return to the room. "Ooh, wonderful! A ghost and an insurance salesman! You know what? We should throw a party!"
"That's a great idea!" Robodad agreed.
"We need one of them strobe light thingies!" Robomom enthused, and rolled off to find some.
"I'll invite everyone in the neighborhood!" Robodad said.
"NO! No parties!" Zim cried, running forward to stop Robodad from calling the neighbors. The ghost, who had been watching the entire time, stuck out an oddly corporeal leg over which Zim tripped and skidded across the floor.
"What's goin' on?" the man who had come in for help steadied himself against the wall. "Why's it so dark in here?"
"You have to get out of here!" the ghost told him, running over. "This is the house of an evil space alien! My sister was supposed to call 911 for you, but I guess she didn't." The ghost paused. "Just for the record, you can tell there's an alien here, right?"
"I dunno. I can't see anything. Who're you?"
"IT'S A GHOST!" Zim screamed.
The man spoke again, sounding thoroughly confused. "A ghost and an alien? Am I at some kinda fantasy convention?"
"Nope, it's our happy little family!" Robodad said. He was holding a banana up to his ears and talking into it like a phone… eh, probably trying to call people over for a party. Hm. Zim breathed a sigh of relief. At least he didn't have to worry about that anymore.
"Get out of my house!" He turned and shouted at the human that had come in. He stumbled to the stand beside the couch, fumbled inside the drawer, and pulled out a gross stubby candle and a box of matches. Despite the fact that he couldn't see squat he managed to slide open the box, pull out a match, and strike it. He lit the candle and a tiny flame illuminated his face and a small circle around him.
"Huh," the ghost said. "I'm surprised you know how to work candles."
"Silence!" Zim snapped. The ghost took a step toward him and he hopped away. He jabbed the lit candle at the ghost. "And I'm not through with you! What have you done with GIR?"
"Me? Nothing." The ghost shrugged. "I dunno where your stupid robot ran off to."
Zim was still holding the smoldering match. He threw it to the side. "Roboparents! Detain the ghost!"
"That's no way to speak to your mother!" Robodad said.
"Yeah! I ain't a ghost!" Robomom's muffled voice said. Zim had no idea where she had ended up.
"No, I mean THAT ghost!" Zim gestured at the specter, then lunged forward and snatched the camera that the disgusting ghost was holding.
"Hey!" The ghost tried to grab it back but Zim dodged out of the way. "Give that back!"
Zim jumped to the side, the ghost blocked him. He jumped to the other side. Same. The… the ghost wasn't going to give up, was it. Zim let out a gasping scream and darted to the other side of the room; the ghost chased after him. He spun on his heel, dropped the candle, and tore across the living room. He barged through the front door and tumbled outside.
Instead of going down the walkway he turned and ran onto the grassy lawn, and… and… Oh, Irk. It was raining. A lot. The water wasn't burning him due to the ingenious paste covering he was wearing but who knew how long that would last… he should get back inside before it—
Zim attempted to skid to a halt but his feet slipped on the wet grass and he toppled face-first into the mud. He lifted his head and twisted around, then shrieked.
Lightning flashed behind the looming, bright white figure of the ghost, floating above him, huge and terrible… but—but they were out on the lawn! Where were the gnomes? Why weren't they doing anything?
The ghost leaned down and Zim froze, images flashing through his head of being torn apart or eaten or whatever on Irk it was that ghosts did to people and… the ghost just tried to wrestle the camera from his grasp.
"NO!" Zim wailed. He tightened his grip on the camera and pulled away.
"Knock it off, Zim!" the ghost said.
"Stay away from my little darling!" a female voice shrieked. Lightning flashed again and Robomom stood behind the ghost. She lashed out with one gloved hand and grabbed it. Something white slid off its head and Zim stared at the pale face that was revealed—it… it wasn't a phantom! It was human! Not only that… it was DIB.
"DIB! I knew it!" Zim leapt to his feet, covered head-to-toe in mud.
Dib pulled himself away from Robomom and attempted to pull his horrible hood back over his horrible head. "Yeah, that's what I was trying to tell you!"
"You disabled my computer and pretended to be a ghost! I knew the computer was too loyal to do something like that. It's stupid, but loyal. What did you do with GIR?!"
"I never pretended to be anything!" Dib shouted. "It's just a poncho!"
"Where is GIR?"
"I don't know!"
Zim leapt. He bowled Dib over—he'd scratch the filthy human's eyes out! How dare he attempt to trick the ALMIGHTY ZIM?
Dib did a backwards somersault thing in the mud and kicked Zim off, planting the heel of one boot into his squeedily-spooch. Zim wheezed and fell to the side. Before he had fully recovered he sprang again. Dib blocked Zim's blow to his face but skidded backwards and fell to the ground.
"No fighting!" Robomom, standing on the sidelines, reprimanded. "GET THAT GHOST, ZIMMY! GET IT!"
Zim lunged at the human again but Dib swung his camera in an arc—it collided with the side of Zim's face with a force that nearly popped out one of his eyes. He changed his tactic and went for the camera again. He grabbed it, dug his heels into the sodden ground, and yanked the camera away. Of course, he fell on his butt in the mud again. Ow.
"What is with you?" Dib demanded. He reached for his camera once more but Zim backhanded him across the face. Dib, thrown onto his back, gasped in pain and struggled back onto his knees. Zim laughed. Victory! Hah, foolish human. Dib had no idea what he was—
Zim's laugh turned into a choke. Dib had pulled a slender metal thing out of his pocket and was pointing one end at Zim. A red laser fired from the thing—so close that Zim could feel the heat scorch the air by his cheek—and he yelped.
"Give my camera back," Dib said, brandishing the metal thing. "I won't miss this time!"
"Never!" Zim shouted. Which… which he had to admit, was probably not the best decision. But before Dib could fire again, Robomom stuck her nose in the air and sniffed.
"Do y'all smell somethin' burning?" she said.
Zim and Dib, kneeling in the mud, froze. And together they looked up, over at Zim's house, as if they had had the exact same thought… at the exact same time.
There was a bright orange light dancing in the windows of Zim's freaky house. A light that had certainly not been there before.
"Fire!" Dib leapt to his feet, his eyes wide.
"Not my base! Not again!" Zim screeched. He sent up a spray of mud in his attempt to get his footing once more, dropped the camera and raced to the house, flinging open the door and darting inside. Dib put the laser gun thing in his pocket, grabbed up his camera again and followed. His heart was pounding. A fire in an alien house could not be good. He thought of all the unearthly things that might be burning, releasing deadly chemicals into the atmosphere… and what if the fire spread? Huh? What if it got out of control? His dad wasn't here to develop some sort of chemical thing to instantaneously put it out!
Dib crashed into the base and immediately fell to coughing. A wave of heat met his face; Zim's couch was completely engulfed in flame, as were the walls and the TV and pretty much everything else that could be at all flammable… The guy from the car crash was huddled in the corner, whimpering. And GIR had reappeared. He was standing in the middle of the floor, staring at the blaze expressionlessly with the flames reflected in his glass eyes.
"GIR!" Zim said over the roar of the fire. He grabbed GIR's metal arm and pulled him toward the door.
"The couch caught on fire," GIR said, pointing.
Robodad was still in the house, too. He leaned over and picked up the burning box of matches from the floor, and shook it at Zim. "How many times do we have to tell you not to play with FIRE?"
Realization struck Dib in a second. "You set fire to your own base! You left the candle on the floor!" he shouted at Zim. "Why would you do that?!"
Zim ignored him and instead dragged GIR over to Robodad. He grabbed his fake father by the arm in his free hand and tugged them both toward the door. Zim made a bizarre appearance. His wig had fallen off somewhere outside and his antennae stood up tall and alert on top of his head. The heat from the fire had half-melted his contact lenses and left them in a plastic-y goo in the bottoms of his eyes. The white melted plastic ran in rivulets down his face like milky tears. It was… really disturbing, actually. Dib snapped a picture.
Something was burning his leg. He reached in his pocket and yelped when it burned like he had touched a hot stove. The laser-thing he had gotten in the basement! Quickly he plunged his hand into his pocket again, grabbed the metal wand with his fingernails, and threw it on the ground. A blast of red light flew out of it and charred the wall. Then another, shooting in a different direction. Dib ducked.
"AAHH! What are you doing?!" Zim screamed, leaping out of the way of a laser.
"It's your laser gun thing!" Dib shouted, dodging another shot and covering his head with his hands. "I was going to keep it for evidence but it must be overheating!"
"What laser gun?"
"The one from your basement! It was in a stack of boxes and stuff you ordered! What, you don't remember buying it?"
"You expect me to keep track of what I buy?" Zim dove to the ground to avoid one of the lasers. "I've NEVER seen that before! GIR probably bought it!"
"No I didn't!" GIR chirped.
Dib stood and kicked the laser gun as hard as he could. It flew into the television, which promptly exploded, sending out a shower of sparks. So much for that.
"Help me," a voice moaned. The car crash guy! He'd forgotten! Dib ran over to him and pulled him to his feet.
"C'mon!" Dib said. "We have to get out of here!" He coughed again. Smoke and who-knows-what-else coated his throat and made it difficult to breathe. He dropped to the ground, motioning for the car crash victim to do the same, and crawled toward the door.
"Hey! Hey! It's raining!" Zim realized from somewhere behind Dib. What, did he keep forgetting about the rain or something? Stupid alien. "The rain'll put out the fire! HAH!"
"Not if the fire's inside the house, you moron!" Dib shouted. He kept crawling forward until he was close enough to roll out the door. He landed in a crouch and turned to see the guy he had rescued crawl out after him.
The guy stood up shakily. "I am so outta here!" he said. And he loped off unsteadily.
Dib let him go. He certainly wasn't going to call him back to a burning house. Zim emerged next, shoving GIR outside and yanking Robodad behind him. The three of them stumbled over the yard, through the gap in the fence, and collapsed in the street. More explosions sounded from inside the house. That stupid laser gun must still be firing.
Panting, Dib sat up. Something flew by him and he ducked, his heart pounding in panic again.
Robomom brushed by Dib and ran to Zim. "My hero!" She scooped the alien into the air, squeezing him in a creepy robotic hug. "You saved your daddy! And our dog!"
"AAAHH!" Zim yelled. He struggled to get down and landed on the road with a painful-sounding thump.
Dib laughed halfheartedly and with a start realized that he no longer had hold of his camera. He… he must've left it inside… Dib looked at the house, where the fire was glowing even brighter than it had before. Drat. He pushed away the sad image of his camera—and all the pictures on it—slowly smoldering in the flames.
"You alien jerk," he muttered darkly to Zim. "You owe me one hundred fifty dollars for a new camera." Knowing full well that Zim would never pay up, Dib turned and trudged away through the rain.
The entire night had been wasted.
Zim ignored the Dib-worm and stared at his home impassively. The fire burned brightly through the darkness and seemed completely undeterred by the rain. That was stupid.
"GIR," he said finally, his voice coming out in a rasp, "I thought you told me the base was fireproof."
"It is!" GIR replied. He was smiling.
Zim didn't say anything to that. He just stood silently with GIR and the Roboparents, out in the road, drenched by the rain. Watching the house burn ever lower.
He hated Earth.