Dude.
I poked water today.
And ya know what?
IT POKED BACK.
This is Emby, bringing you the newer and stupider edition of………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
THE SHOW: FRUITS BASKET OF DOOM!
Note: We no longer take MasterCard, Visa, AmericanExpress, or credit cards like that. We do also not take checks, for many are forged.
We only take hard cash, now.
Meaning: Quarters. Duh.
Akito: Yet again, I have taken control of this fanfiction!
Me: You have certainly no- -gets DUCK TAPE'D!-
Akito: HAHA! Shee, I roole.
Hatori: You also can't speel.
Akito: Neither can you, damnit! –throws Emby off cliff-
Ayame: -poof!- Y'know, the last time you did that, she lived.
Akito: Who asked you?
Ayame: No one! Akito, you are beautiful! –kisses- -pop!-
A/N: If I survived the fall, I would yet again question Akito's gender.
Akito: -throws A/N off cliff-
Hana: -poof!- Jesus Christ! What is with you and throwing stuff off cliffs!
Akito: Not Jesus Christ. Yuki Sohma. Remember, we worship Sohman, which a beautiful person named AKITO.At the Disco made up. WHAT THE HELL AM I SAYING!
A/N: I still control them from the dead. Muaha.
Hatori: MOST CANADIANS ARE BALD!
Hana: UNIGOAT!
Akito: CEMENT DEERS AND CERAMIC BIRDS!
Hatori: God damnit…
Akito: No, Akito damnit. See? I am Akito, GOD! of the Zodiac, Kyo, some cookies, a "What Would Tohru Say?" eightball, and a microwave!
Me: Hiya.
Hana: What the froggies?
Me: Froggies? Where?
Akito: WHERE- WHAT- DAMNIT!
Me: Unnecessary swearing! Tsk tsk!
Hatori: Lemme guess. Edward Elric saved you.
Me: Nope.
Hatori: -sweat drop-
Me: It was a Chobit! HECK YEAH!
-silence-
Me: Quite ironic. I'm gonna list off oxymorons. Don't interrupt.
Akito: But-
Me: DON'T INTERRUPT! Oxymoron 1: Army Intelligence. 2: Jumbo Shrimp. 3: Smart Akito. 4: Harmless Chainsaw. 5: Sane Emby. 6: Microwaves. 7: Artificial Grass. 8: Microsoft Works. 9: A Fair Government. 10: Sane Emby.
Hana: Repeat!
Hatori: Damn author.
Me: Another oxymoron! GOOD JOB, HATORI!
-silence-
Me: Oh yeah. I promised…. FAN MAIL!
FANMAIL:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------w00t!----------
Me: -opens fanmail- Okay, first question:
To Emby: How did you become so cool?
Me: Um, um…. –twiddles thumbs- It's…. Like… A long story…. Having to much with chainsaws, electrical outlets, dumb people, sugar, insanity, caffine, and manga –nervous!- The short version is, I drank non-caffeinated drinks and ate pretend sugar.
To Akito: Why are you claiming to be God? Doesn't that make you the Antichrist?
Akito: I AM NOT THE ANTICHRIST, DAMNIT! I AM GOD! SO DEAL!
Me: And the reason he/she/it claims to be God is because a), Akito has a giant ego, b), The title makes Akito feel special, and c), Because Akito can.
Akito: -red face- If I was the antichrist, I would be on Touched by an Angel or something! AKITO!
To Ayame: If you really wanted to bond with your younger brother, why not just eat him? Snakes eat mice so why don't you?
Ayame: Well, because my awesome morals are so high, I don't want to eat beloved Yuki!
Me: What he really means is that he's a vegetarian, and that he's been sickened by Yuki ever since Yuki tried to kill me.
Ayame: Oh no, I wanted Yuki to kill you. Don't put words in my mouth, dear authoress!
To Kyo: Why do you say such awful swear words? It's killing me from the inside out!
Kyo: Because I can, damnit! Hurry up and die!
Me: Don't worry. He really loves you, actually. Just hiding his feelings.
Kyo: I AM NOT, DAMNIT! GO TO HELL!
Me: -pokes- Take that back.
Kyo: NEVVVVEEERRRR! What kind of question was that, anyways!
Me: A valid one.
Kyo: IT WAS NOT! I mean, disarming me like that!
Me: Oh yeah…. I just signed the marriage contract.
Kyo: M-marriage…. Contract?
Me: Meaning, I get a dowry, and you get to be married to Dukoro-chan. A.K.A Teh Future Mrs. Kyo Sohma.
Kyo: NOOOOOOOO!
Akito: What's a dowry?
Me: I get paid for Kyo to get married.
Akito: Hey, Kyo… You're gonna have multiple wives…. Heh heh heh….
Me: I ART A CHRISTIAN! THOUST SHALL NOT DESPETE MY RELIGION-O! DOYEE! DIE!
-silence-
Me: I admit it. That was just random stupidity.
Kyo: -twitch- -twitch-
Me: Hey, he twitched! DO IT AGAIN! –pokey!-
Kyo: LEAVE ME ALONE!
Me: You need to get like, a new saying. Like, yeah.
Akito: Since when did you use "like" so much?
Kyo: A new…. Saying….
Me: It could be, "Moo!"
Kyo: Doesn't work for me, sweetheart. I'm just not feeling it. We're gonna hafta vote you off the island.
Me: But…. We're on the Mainland….
Kyo: Honey, just jump into the flaming pit.
Me: This is so unlike Kyo. What have I started!
Kyo: I need some time away from you darling. No bad feelings, I really love you, but I need my space. Maybe we should see other people. –poof!-
Me: -sniffle- Why… Why would Kyo say those things…? –sob!- What we have is special!
Akito: ….By the way, what do you have, you evil s-
Me: Nothing much…… A demeaning relationship where every few moments I embarrass him further…. A relationship where I have dreams about Kyo in a pink dress and Haru marrying Yuki….
Yuki: GOD! Who do you think I am, a ♥♠♣♦? GOD! I mean, why would I want to marry Haru? GOD! Vote for Pedro! GOD! GOD! GOD!
A/N: Yuki in kid-friendly version.
Akito: Yes?
Me: I hope…. I hope that Kyo and I… Can work out our differences…. –sniffle- PORSCHE!
Yoda: -floaty!- Porsche, you say? Must acquire, this lovely car, I must! Kick this clone's butt, I must! –fiddles with XBOX controller-
Me: Yoda….?
Yoda: Play Versus mode against myself, I shall. Earn my character and kick clone butt, yes.
Me: Good –giggle- I mean, bad news, Yoda-chan. Clone Wars for Xbox doesn't have you.
A/N: This is Dedicated to DesirePassion, Teh Future Mrs. Kyo Sohma, and AKITO. At the Disco.
Akito: Isn't the honorific '-chan' usually used on a girl…?
Yoda: Forget Clones, we must! Kill LucasArts, we shall, for they do not have my character! HEHEHE! –waves around lightsaber, singing Akito's hair-
Akito: YOU FAT ♥♣♦•♣♦☻♥♠♥♣♦•♣♦☻♥♠! HAND OVER THE LIGHTSABER, BUDDY! –chops off Yoda's hand-
Yoda: Chopped off my hand, you have! Time to blame LucasArts for my injury, I shall! –poof!-
Akito: -smug- I love the weird blaming on someone else.
Me: HAHA! –grabs lightsaber-
-----------------------------------------------BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!-----------
-Fuzzyness-
-static-
Guy in a Expensive Looking Blue Suit and Blonde Helmet Hair: We interrupt this damn stupid seri- I mean, this program to bring you an IMPORTANT! news bulletin.
Woman with A Moustache: So important, it was capitalized!
Guy in a Expensive Looking Blue Suit and Blonde Helmet Hair: Barney has been found dead in his cave with severe burns. Kids everywhere were crying for joy until Barney suddenly stood up, glowed green, and vowed revenge on someone named Pembury. Also-
Woman with A Moustache: Wait, Guy in a Expensive Looking Blue Suit and Blonde Helmet Hair!
Guy in a Expensive Looking Blue Suit and Blonde Helmet Hair: What do you mean wait, Woman with A Moustache?
Woman with A Moustache: An update! Barney actually said, 'Emby!'
Guy in a Expensive Looking Blue Suit and Blonde Helmet Hair: -whispers to camera men- Oh. Well, anyways, scientists reckon that Barney was exposed to a radioactive chainsaw soon after death. This has not been confirmed, but it is suggested that if you see Barney, you call 1-800-WE-WANT-BARNEY-DEAD. Yes, you heard it, 1-800-WE-WANT-BARNEY-DEAD. There is a negative three dollar reward for the caller.
Woman with A Moustache: This reward is in quarters, too!
Guy in a Expensive Looking Blue Suit and Blonde Helmet Hair: So, you see a glowing green Barney, and call us!
Woman with A Moustache: KSTUPID47 is not liable for any complaints. Lifetime warranty of full-money back guarantee on your phone if it explodes in your hand through a nanobot we will send through. KSTUPID47 cannot be sued. Any user damage cannot be paid by KSTUPID47. Warranty is null and void if phone is sniffed, smelled, scratched, tasted, looked at, murdered, touched, listened to, or slammed into a brick of concrete. Best used connected to wall.
Guy in a Expensive Looking Blue Suit and Blonde Helmet Hair: Now, back to your program.
Camera Man: CUT!
Guy in a Expensive Looking Blue Suit and Blonde Helmet Hair: Thank god that's over, Mary-sue.
Mary-sue: I agree, Gary-sue! We're both so perfect and preppy, I'm always afraid I'll break like a porcelain doll!
Gary-sue: -picks nose- -looks at booger- Eww. I need my nose checked.
Mary-sue: Let's pretend we're boyfriend and girlfriend!
Gary-sue: Why not! Random relationships that come from two people hating each other always happen in illiterate roleplays, why can't it happen right now!
Mary-sue: You're right! I LOVE YOU! –kisses-
Gary-sue: I LOVE YOU TOO, SALLY-SUE!
Mary-sue: I'll never leave you!
Gary-sue: Me either!
Mary: I'm leaving you for the hot gay boy band across the street!
Gary-sue: I'm leaving you for them too!
Camera Man: What the hell….! THE CAMERA'S STILL ON!
-GASPEH!-
Hot Boy Band: OH NO! NOW EVERYONE KNOWS OUR SECRET! LET'S COME OUT OF THE CLOSET!
Everyone: Uhh….. –whisper whisper- Everyone knew you were gay.
Magazine: THEY'RE COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET!
Camera Man: THE CAMERA'S STILL ON! DAMNIT!
--------------------------------------BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!----------☻----
Me LIGHTSABER! HAHA! Wait, wait…. I feel like… This has already happened…..
Akito: You're the only one.
Me: God.
Akito: Yes?
Me: I'm gonna go run a confessional stand. Hehehehhe.. –gets in stand- LINE UP, EVERYONE!
Yuki: -poof!- I hast sinned, father.
Me: That's ma'am to you.
Yuki: Ma'am, then.
Me: Tell me.
Yuki: I wear Care-bear undies, and I-
Me: Not that again. Tell me something REAL bad. –microphone hangs in-
Yuki: Well… It's what I did in the Care-bear undies….
Me: You…. You…. You didn't!
Yuki: Yes, I did. I ordered Pork chops.
Me: -gaspeh!- The Harvest Goddess hasn't forgiven thou! YOU SHALT PAY!
Yuki: -poof-
Barney: -walks up-
Me: Oh, hiya Barney. How you doing? Thought you died a crispy death. –giggle-
Barney: Naw. I suffer from Radioactivity.
Me: I feel for ya.
Barney: Anyways…. I have sinned! I tried to do some things to small children!
Me: What….. Did you do?
Barney: Oh, I tried to play Hide the Soul. You know, from that one Child's Play movie? 'Cept, well, we played Rip out the Hair.
Me: The Harvest Goddess hasn't forgiven you! AWAY, EVIL DEMON! AWAY, I TELL YOU!
Barney: -poof!-
Shigure: Forgive me, for I have sinned. I have touched Emby's chainsaw!
Me: OH. MEH. AKITO! THIS IS UNFORGIVABLE! DIE!
Shigure: -struck by lightning!- -crispy- -poof!-
Me: Next.
-silence-
Me: Oh. Um, I guess…. –looks at watch- Does anyone have a crayon? My watch is wrong.
-crickets-
Me: D'ya think we're out of time? Oh no! IT RAN AWAY!
Time: DIN'T!
Me: Someday, I aspire to be on Dukoro-chan's friend-like person-like wicked awehsome list. That would be… Well…. WICKED AWEHSOME…
-silence-
Me: Ever tried to talk to yourself? I have.
-silence-
Me: I've also had sweat go down my face, and then up my nose. That was a weird experience. Gravity-defying.
Akito: Damn, you just like to talk about yourself, don't you!
Me: Yes I do. Thank you for noticing.
Akito: Isn't this chapter…. A little….. LONG!
Me: Why yes, it is. I just hit page ten. With a stick, mind you.
Akito: Sometimes, I wonder….
Me: About what? Huh? Huh? TELL ME!
Akito: Your sanity.
Me: What about it?
Akito: It looks like someone just jabbed a knife into the black hole that used to be your sanity and now sucks up everything, including any ranks you had in Intelligence, Wisdom, or Smartness.
Me: Oh, no, I never had those ranks in the first place. I put ALL of my points into Charisma. And I put ALL of my skill points into stuff like Craft/ Disturbing Mental Image. That was a good bargain. Got all that last level. Yep.
Akito: What the HELL are you talking about, woman!
Me: Girl, thanks. And what about your gender? HUH! HUH! BEAT THAT, SLACKER! YOU'RE TALKING TO THE MASTER OF THE SIMS! I ROOLE ALL!
Akito: 'Cept for spelling. Teme….
Me: When we speak in Japanese, it confuzzles people. Ja?
Akito: It's even worse in German.
Me: Nien?
Akito: DIE! –holds knife to throat- -knife disappears-
Me: I knew you were acting sane for some special reason……
Akito: Sanity? Where? –poof!-
Me: So now I am alone. 'Cept for dummy silence, always coming in and raining on my parade.
Silence: Hey, I don't rain until episode 34.
Me: No, you mean episode eighty-three! GET THE EPISODES RIGHT!
Silence: BE THAT WAY!
Me: I WILL!
-cricket!-
Me: I don't know how to talk like a gangsta…. –sad- So it's hard to make fun of it.
-cricket?-
Me: OH WELL!
This is….
MY LONGEST CHAPPIE EVER.
HAPPY HAPPY!
Anywho. Much ♥ to DesirePassion, THE ONLY ONE OF YOU WHO DECIDED TO GRACE THIS FANFICTION WITH HER QUESTIONS. (Guilt trip!)
She sent in all four.
So. Yeah. She rawks our sawks.
-hint hint-
Yeah. Just so you know, I also turned on anonymous reviews…. XD Sorry. I'm kinda begging, right? XD XD XD XD! THAT GIVES ME AN IDEE!
Read and review?
♥♥♥- Emby!
P.S. The Future Mrs. Kyo Sohma rawks. Dunno if she reads this. I hope so. XD My inspiration!
P.S.S. AKITO. At the Disco also rawks. I also hope she reads this. Also my inspiration!
♥ TO THEM!
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥-------
E!
M!
B!
Y!
WHAT'S THAT SPELL!
IDIOCY AND STUPIDITY AND RANDOMNESS!
♥♥♥- E.M.B.Y.