He wakes up and he knows that it was his fault.
He doesn't often admit that to himself. He cannot bear to be wrong. It s not in his nature to accept the blame for things that he has done wrong. More often than not, he would blame his brother, and his parents would so easily believe him. Because he is their beloved son, their golden prince, while Loki is simply his trouble making younger brother. Not to be trusted. Never to be believed. Thor would pout and point fingers while Loki stood there, never dropping the sly smile on his face, never losing the cold, mischievous glare in his eyes. Loki would be punished, again and again, and it was always Thor's fault.
When they were younger, it was easy enough for him to convince his younger brother to take the blame for him. He would beg Loki to do him such a great service, and he would promise to make it up to him later. And Loki, never the fool who believed him, but always wanting to impress his older brother, would do anything that he was asked. Including standing up to Odin's harsh punishments and cruel words. It never fazed him, because all the while Thor was there, and he would be there after, to comfort and love him as a brother should. It was many years before he realized how wrong that was.
As they grew older, it became harder to convince Loki to willingly take the blame for his wrong doings. He was much more clever now, and more often than not, it was he who led Thor in clever schemes and mischievous wrong doings. It was Loki who would smoothly talk his way in and out of dangerous situations, weaving webs of lies and deception with his clever tongue. Thor would never admit it then, but he admired his brother. Loki was clearly the cleverer of the two. But still, Thor had his father's approval, and that meant more to him than anything else. So he continued to bask in the glory of being prince of Asgard, while Loki sat alone, always watching, never joining in. And Thor never once saw a problem with that.
And why should he? He was Thor Odinson, first born and prince of Asgard. He would be king, not Loki. He was brave and strong and powerful, traits admired and revered by the Aesir. He was a god, and he was made to rule. Never once did it occur to him that he overshadowed his little brother. Never once did it occur to him that Loki secretly craved the spotlight. He craved to be noticed, to be loved, just as much as Thor was. And if it did occur to him, he simply could not find it in himself to care. Until he fell.
His fall from grace was truly the beginning of his journey towards becoming a better man and a better ruler. He found love in the form of a mortal woman, his beloved Jane, so unlike any woman that he had ever met before. He found salvation in the mundane lives of the Midgardian people, and the value of sacrifice became known to him. His eyes were opened to the suffering of his younger brother, and he became aware of how much Loki had been neglected by those who should have been his family. How much he himself had neglected Loki. And despite his best wishes to make amends, it was all too late.
His fall had bettered him, but truthfully, he was not so great a man until he joined his new team and became an Avenger. They were an odd bunch, but together they were an unstoppable force, working together in a way that he had never before experienced. Individually, they were flawed, he just as much as the others, but together, they were strong. Strong enough to defeat his brother once more. But alone, he was not strong enough to convince his brother of his love.
He was a better man, yes. But he still was not a good man. He knew that if it had not been for him, Loki would never have turned his back on his own family, not only his father of the flesh but the man who had raised him, and sought to take the throne of Asgard, His only desire was to bring himself out of his brothers shadow, to be seen by Thor as the great and powerful god that he truly was. Thor had acknowledged his brother's strength, but too late, and Loki had fallen even farther than Thor ever had. Far enough to seek even the help of The Other, and to seek the rule of another planet. Thor's beloved Midgard.
Thor never once told his team the true origin of Loki's pain and suffering. It was, in part, the realization that he had been lied to all his life, and that the family he had been raised to consider his own was not truly his. That he was, in fact, the very monster that he had been raised and taught to fear. If Thor was being honest, part of the blame could fall on his father, on Odin, for lying so and for neglecting Loki as he had. But Thor knew that the blame was truly his, if it belonged to anyone.
Just once, he could have told Loki that he loved him. Just once, he could have told him that he was his brother, undoubtedly and eternally. Just once he could have turned the spotlight on to his younger brother, giving him the glory instead of claiming Loki's quick witted diplomacy as his own. Just once, he could have held his brother close and said nothing. He could have let him know that he belonged. He could have told Loki that yes, he was a Jotun by birth, but he was an Asgardian by nature. He was Thor's brother, and he was proud. But he never did. And so it was all his fault.
When he woke up every morning, whether he was on Midgard, lying in bed next to Jane or on Asgard in his quarters in the palace, before he even opened his eyes, he would pray to every god he knew for his brother. He would beg peace for Loki's mind and soul, he would implore rest and comfort for his body and heart. On occasion, he would pray to Loki himself, begging forgiveness for all of the wrongdoings he had committed against his brother in his life.
He prayed for the day when he no longer felt so guilty.
He knew that that day would never come, however, until he was ale to face his brother again. Until the day when he could stand before Loki, rather, fall to his knees before his brother and beg forgiveness. He knew that he would feel his guilt until the day when Loki was in his arms again, accepting his apology as he once did, many years ago when they were still young. Before they had broken apart as brothers, and had been forced to become enemies.
Before, when nothing was ever his fault.
Well, that's all I have planned for this fic. I don't know, should I keep going?
I have about the first 6 chapters of my full length Avemgers fic done, and two other random chapters from the middle. I'm not sure when I 'll publish that, it depends on the interest.
Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing this!